Building Healthy Relationships is necessary in the community

Happy relationship is necessary in life

1. Building Healthy Relationships Knowledge Risk Factors Prevention Communication Problem Solving Enhancement

2. Building Healthy Relationships Know… Know we are all different! Know that every marriage will have disagreements! Know that God never intended for us to be alone! Know that we react, think, and do things due to our worldview! Know that if anything is to be accomplished, we must work as a team!

3. Building Healthy Relationships Knowledge A Christian marriage is one that both partners (man and woman) seek to follow God’s plan for their lives and in their relationship.

4. Building Healthy Relationships Knowledge There is a mystery of the marriage of a man leaving his family to join a “life together” with a woman.

5. Building Healthy Relationships Knowledge There is a covenant before God and man. There is a foundation of “oneness” in every good relationship. A Christian marriage is permanent!!!

6. Building Healthy Relationships Knowledge A Christian marriage is where a man and woman seek to follow God’s plan for their lives.

7. Building Healthy Relationships Knowledge It is viewed as a covenant before God and man. Marriage is honorable. Marriage is Oneness. Marriage is permanent. God takes marriage serious.

8. Building Healthy Relationships Knowledge Belief and Expectations: Are often assumed and expected but seldom discussed. A lack of communicated expectations lead to frustration and disappointment. Everyday assumptions on job, fidelity, sex, career, children/child raising, loyalty, household tasks, commitment, forgiveness/problem solving, etc.

9. Building Healthy Relationships Knowledge Spiritual Belief and Expectations: Reflects the core philosophy, moral, ethical, and cultural beliefs and practices. What is your core spiritual belief? Is regular church attendance important? Will we raise our children in church? What is your belief on divorce, abortion, and forgiveness. Church giving and commitment to God.

10. Building Healthy Relationships Knowledge Risk Factors Prevention Communication Problem Solving Enhancement

11. Building Healthy Relationships Risk Factors The key is to PREVENT serious problems. How you communicate and handle conflict is crucial for how your marriage will go. All couples will have problems. It’s how you handle them that counts most.

12. Building Healthy Relationships Risk Factors While researchers may not agree there is no special formula that will guarantee a successful marriage, they all agree there are warning signs:

13. Building Healthy Relationships Risk Factors Criticism: Everyone may have criticism in their relationship but it is the degree and frequency of criticism that is important. Negative statements with the word “you always” or “you never” are terms we used often in heated conversations, bringing no praise or validation to the relationship. If escalation continues, this could lead to verbal and physical aggression. (women criticize more than men)

14. Building Healthy Relationships Risk Factors Criticism: Successful couples don’t escalate that easily Successful couples limit and exit negative situations when they are occur Successful couples understand they can each be different and disagree but not become disagreeable

15. Building Healthy Relationships Risk Factors Defensiveness: Most couples become defensive once arguments start, often trying to justify their actions or statements. While it may be natural at times, it is not good for the relationship when it overlooks the other person’s feelings, emotions, and existence. When this happens, there is no unity and oneness in a relationship. (Both men and women are guilty of this)

16. Building Healthy Relationships Risk Factors Successful couples understand differences but allows the emotional state to validate each other to communicate differences. Successful couples will give each other the benefit of the doubt stressing there is oneness instead of selfishness .

17. Building Healthy Relationships Risk Factors Stonewalling: Whenever escalations or arguments occur, many will pull back, withdraw, and put up a “stonewall” or barrier in between each other. This is to avoid the issue at hand. (Men stonewall more than women)

18. Building Healthy Relationships Risk Factors One reason why men stonewall is to avoid arguments, others believe that men do not like to be challenged on their rules or positions that may be changing, and a third reason may lie with men not wanting to feel they are wrong.

19. Building Healthy Relationships Risk Factors Stonewalling does not allow proper dialog with any issue or understanding one another better. Refusing to deal with an issue will never bring a solution or the oneness in any relationship.

20. Building Healthy Relationships Risk Factors Contempt: This is the most dangerous of all warning signs! There is no validation to this factor. It is more than being insensitive to your partner’s feelings, it escalates to a point of “insults” and “putdowns” beyond a reasonable manner. There are plenty of “you” statements, such as, “You’re Stupid” or “You Can’t Do Anything Right”, etc. Again, this is the most dangerous sign of all!!!

21. Building Healthy Relationships Risk Factors Successful marriages created more positive than negatives in their relationships Successful marriages avoid contempt—It is a killer of every relationship!!

22. Building Healthy Relationships Prevention Repair Attempts: While all marriages have some form of criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling, successful relationships will focus on repair attempts made after arguments or disagreements occur.

23. Building Healthy Relationships Prevention Repair attempts are not to correct the other person but to bring efforts to improve any disagreements from happening again. The focus is on their love and commitment to one another.

24. Building Healthy Relationships Prevention Repair attempts takes away the “wedge” that separates them from unity and oneness. The more repair attempts, the more your partner understands you really care for them.

25. Building Healthy Relationships Prevention Remember: 5 t0 1 Positive-To Negative Ratio Positives may include: Touch, kiss, or any kind of affection. A look, nod, some type of validation that one is being heard. A smile, wink, or expression of love.

26. Building Healthy Relationships Prevention Remember: 5 t0 1 Positive-To Negative Ratio Positives may include: Helping one another without having to be asked to. Cards, notes, gifts, or something special. Anything courteous or kind for one another.

27. Building Healthy Relationships It is not about buying something special for your partner, it is about displaying something positive, just showing care, you are interested in them, what they say and do. They are special! If you don’t give attention to your spouse, someone else will!!! We are not ignorant to Satan’s devices. Protect what we have. Remember, anything valuable is worth protecting!

28. Building Healthy Relationships Forgiveness: Forgive often!!! Many marriages have been ruined/destroyed by an accumulation of mistrust and lack of forgiveness. A lack of forgiveness negates the possibility for restoration and healing.

29. Building Healthy Relationships Forgiveness is critical for maintaining a oneness. Many Christians have a hard time forgiving even though Jesus spoke on forgiving others over and over again. There is no greater expression of love in a marriage than forgiveness. Mark 11:25 says, “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

30. Building Healthy Relationships Forgiveness: Does not mean you forget! Many couples will throw up the statement that forgiving means forgetting. That statement is totally absurd. Forgiveness is a gift from a wounded party to the offender. One may never be able to ever forget the harm done and over time, it will be less damaging or hurting to the individual but one can still remember things.

31. Building Healthy Relationships Forgiveness: Trust is earned! If you are the offender, you have to be patient to allow the person being hurt or injured to heal and trust again. It takes time to trust again. If you have a hard time forgiving, you must have to turn this situation over to God and trust him to bring restoration and healing to your relationship.

32. Building Healthy Relationships Keep restoring the positives-to-negatives in your relationship as mentioned earlier. The more positives there are in a relationship, the greater chances for restoration.

33. Building Healthy Relationships Reasons to forgive: Jesus commanded for us to forgive. Not doing so hinders our relationship with God. Because we have experienced God’s Grace our self. Forgiveness sets us free!

34. Building Healthy Relationships Steps to forgiving: Set an agenda to discuss issues surrounding the wrongdoing. Pray together for guidance and patience through this discussion. Examine the hurts and concerns this wrongdoing caused to your relationship.

35. Building Healthy Relationships Steps to forgiving: The offender must ask forgiveness from the person hurt. Discuss whether there is true remorse or sorry for being caught. Discuss the safeguards from this ever happening again. Offender agrees to forgive. Pray for God’s protection every day!!!

36. Building Healthy Relationships To prevent anything to happen to your relationship, you must make sure your relationship is protected every day with a prayer:

37. Building Healthy Relationships Praying for God to bless and send guardian angels over your home, finances, children, relationship, work, etc., setting a hedge of protection all around them, guarding and protecting them at all times. If you are not concerned enough to pray…Who will?

38. Building Healthy Relationships Communication Filters in communication: When we communicate, we have someone who is talking (sending a message) and the other person trying to listen (receiving a message).

39. Building Healthy Relationships Many times, the receiver never receives the message as it is intended. Who’s fault is it? We may blame each other but in truth, we all have filters that cause us to perceive different images or messages. These filters may be due to our upbringing, beliefs, emotional state, environment, social norms, etc. and are a result of our worldview.

40. Building Healthy Relationships It is also very hard for someone to receive a clear message if they have never experienced the same things.

41. Communication: Open and honest communication:   Active listening:   Clear and concise communication:  

42. Placing too much emphasis on verbal communication . Most people will argue and fight over what is being said rather than how it is being said or the body language of the person giving it.

43. When communicating, One needs to talk openly and safe: Emotional safety is critical to great communication and preserving the oneness.

44. People are more vulnerable when they do not feel safe People may respond defensively if they do not feel safe Remember communication is more than just words

45. Inattention: Speech problems, environment (noises or TV, Gadget), or just not having the energy to talk.

46. Emotional state and reactions: Many feelings of anger, embarrassment, fear, disappointment, etc.

47. Past experiences & communication styles: Many people communicate in the same manner they were taught.

48. Self Preservation: Many will communicate things and in ways to protect themselves from hurt or rejection.

49. Ground rules- Time Out: Speaker/Listener Technique: XYZ Communication:

50. XYZ Communication: This allows a person to state a message using their own feelings to a certain behavior or setting. It consists of using more “I” statements. When You did X (specific behavior) In Situation Y (specific setting) I felt Z (specific feeling)

51. “When you threw your dirty clothes on the floor last night after I had asked you to not do so, I felt my wishes are not important to you. “ “When you come home late at night with the guys and don’t give me any attention, I feel that you like them more than me”

52. XYZ Communication: Any feeling words, such as glad, happy, sad, lonely, anxious, scared, frustrated, irritated, excited, angry, embarrassed, etc. are effective in being able to communicate the hurt or feeling properly.

53. Ground rules- Time Out: Speaker/Listener Technique: XYZ Communication:

54. Problem Solving Hidden Issues: Are issues that may be hidden from plain sight or previously revealed or communicated. These issues are often revealed during times of tension, anxiety, negative events, and arguments.

55. Some of the things in our baggage may include: Jealousy, control issues, self esteem, acceptance, rejection, caring, alcohol or drugs in family, sex, religion, integrity, forgiveness, neglect, abuse, etc.

56. Hidden Issues: Validation and support is needed. Attentive Listening Reflective Feelings Summarize from Other’s Perspective Show Tolerance/Benefit of Doubt Take the Person Seriously Provide Support

57. Most issues or problems go unresolved due to a lack of good problem solving techniques.

58. Listed below are some important steps in problem solving:

59. Pray Together

60. Pray Together Identify the Problem/Issue

61. Pray Together Identify the Problem/Issue Create a Platform to Honestly Discuss Solutions

62. Pray Together Identify the Problem/Issue Create a Platform to Honestly Discuss Solutions Write Down as Many Suggestions/Brainstorm

63. Pray Together Identify the Problem/Issue Create a Platform to Honestly Discuss Solutions Write Down as Many Suggestions/Brainstorm Agree on a Plan/Compromise

64. Enrichment Commitment: Is the glue that keeps a relationship together. A good relationship is one about unity (oneness). You have made a vow before God and each other to commit a “shared” way of life to one another.

65. Two forms of commitment: 1. Personal Dedication: Refers to a desire to improve the quality of one’s relationship for the joint benefit of both partners.

66. 2. Negative Constrains: There are certain things that will force individuals to remain in a relationship regardless to personal dedication.

67. Personal Dedication: Personal dedication is more fulfilling, rewarding, satisfying, and creates stability for the future because both partners are working to make their relationship better every day.

68. Even thought all relationships will have a measure of constraint, those who personally invest into the other’s well being without selfish desires.

69. To be selfish is to ignore or not be sensitive to your partner. To seek things for your own way, for your good, is above all, empty, lonely, sad. Jesus taught dedication, faithfulness, and keeping the bond of oneness.

70. Negative Constraints: These constrains may arise from external or internal sources to keep the relationship alive. Having kids may keep a marriage alive even though their personal relationship with each other is not perfect. They merely exist for the sake of the children.

71. One has to guard and protect from outside forces to take away any commitment or happiness. Invest in your relationship with time, money, intimacy, and value.

72. . They help create shared meaning, strengthen your emotional bond and nurture a strong sense of “we-ness.” Here are some examples: Say goodbye and greet hello  with a hug, kiss or loving phrase. Leave notes for each other. Text  or call during the day just to check in. Participate together in Christ-centered activities such as praying, attending church and reading the Bible.

73. Read a book together . Drive together. Spend part of a morning together in bed talking and holding each other. Sit outside over coffee or eat at a favorite restaurant. Remind each other that  you are partners  on the same team.  Your spouse is not your adversary .

74. Make date night a weekly habit . This isn’t the time to discuss hot topics like in-laws or finances or to chat about the kids; it’s time for you to  have fun together ! Use  conversation starters for couples  and take turns answering the questions anytime you can find 10 minutes to talk at a deeper level — like over coffee, during dinner, driving together or lying in bed.

75. Create a 10-minute daily conversation ritual by asking, “What was the  high  of your day, and what was the  low  of your day?” Go to bed at the same time as your spouse. Whether you have sex or cuddle and have pillow talk, make it a priority to pray together and say goodnight before drifting off to sleep.

76. Do some of your individual chores together. Make the bed  together . Cook meals  together . Wash the dishes  together . Prioritize sexual intimacy  in ways that feel good to you both. (Put the kids to bed early and turn off the TV!)

77. Go on walks together.  Talk about special moments you’ve had as a couple and how God might use those as a springboard for a great future . Dream together . Develop a vision for your life as husband and wife.  Consider how God might use your marriage to bless others .

78. SEX One of three couples struggle with problems associated with sexual desire. Even when we struggle with other problems in a marriage, we can still make love to soothe the bad feelings.

79. Fluctuating hormones, medication(diabetic, high blood pressure, birth control pills, and more), and illness can greatly affect how you feel and being able to function in sexual activity. A person can have a high or low sex drive but have little or nothing to do with his/her level of love for his/her spouse.

80. Never compare your sex life to someone else. It is all about you and your spouse!!!

81. A lack of sexual interest with your spouse may result in deeper questions by your spouse, such as you not caring for our relationship anymore. “Sex is not important to you anymore, you are not attracted to me anymore.”

82. Touching: Being touched in stimulating ways often lead to arousal. Arousal leads to a strong desire to continue being sexual. Whenever your spouse touches, kisses, and holds you, it feels good and increases the likelihood for a desire to continue.

83. There are some factors when sexual desire is missing: Childbirth Poor self-esteem menopause Body Image Male menopause Medications & Illness Depression Grief over loss Motherhood Mid-life Crisis Fatigue/Stress Infidelity Sexual or emotional abuse as a child

84. Putting fun back in your marriage through: Regular date. Touching more. Opening doors and ordering for your mate. Go to a spa or having your spouse’s nails done. Switch roles in the home in duties. Be creative, laugh more, and have fun!!!