GC UniversitY STATE OF ART LECTURE- Copy.pptx

Forgiveness

1. Forgiveness Education & Therapy Dr. Iffat Batool Director, Forgiveness Unit Government College University, Lahore

2. Forgiveness is “To be Good with Those, who are not good to you”

3. Contents What constitutes forgiveness? What is Forgiveness ……and What It Is Not Why to Forgive Consequences of not forgiving Forgiveness: A Path to Freedom The Process Model of Forgiveness

4. what constitutes Forgiveness There are two central ideas about what constitutes forgiveness: 1-Morality 2-Transformation

5. Forgiveness is centered in morality, which in its simplest form is concerned with the quest for the good. When people seek the good, they do so in relation to others. Thus, morality has an interpersonal sense about it. It is not a self-satisfying, hedonistic pursuit. Two aspects of human goodness that are connected with forgiveness are Justice and mercy. Justice issues precede mercy when someone forgives. A person who forgives has been treated unfairly (unjustly) by another person or group of people. Morality

6. Forgiveness is the merciful response to this injustice. In other words, the one who forgives has a clear sense of what is right and what is wrong, concludes that other acted wrongly and offers mercy. Forgiveness is centered in forgiver’s genuine desire for good toward the one who unfairly hurt him or her. When a person is merciful, he or she gives a person, good, or things that he or she does not necessarily deserve (because of unjust actions) and refrains from revengeful punishments. Justice not only precedes but also can coexist with forgiveness. It is possible for a wronged person to choose forgiveness and justice at same time. For example: the person from whom someone stole Rs 100 could forgive the thief and ask for money back. Morality

7. Transformation Whether one examines the idea of forgiveness within the ancient religious traditions or modern philosophical or social scientific fields, forgiveness implies transformation. By this we mean, the qualitative alterations in a number of areas: the forgiver changes previous responses towards the offender, the forgiver’s emotional state may change for the better, and relationships may improve.

8. Forgiveness is a developmental variable that shifts perspectives, feelings, attitudes, behaviors, and interactions. To transform in case is to begin moving in a new direction: from judgmental to understanding, from resentful to loving, from anxious to more relaxed, from conflicted to a willingness to cooperate. Transformation

9. Forgiveness Defined “ When we unjustly hurt by another, we forgive when we overcome the resentment toward the offender, not by denying our right to the resentment, but instead by trying to offer the wrongdoer compassion, benevolence, and love; as we give these, we as forgivers realize that the offender does not necessarily have a right to such gifts” (Definition by Joanna North )

10. Definition 1 st __ We acknowledge that offense was unfair 2 nd __We have a right to feel resentful 3 rd __Giving up something to which we have a right (Anger/resentment) 4 th __ Forgiveness is an act of mercy toward offender, one who doesn’t deserve our mercy It’s a gift to offender which he/she don’t deserves. It helps us in changing relationship between offender and forgiver.

11. Definition Dr North’s definition make it clear that forgiving begins with pain and that we have a right to our feelings. First, we are acknowledging that the offense was unfair and will always continue to be unfair. Second, we have a moral right to anger; it is fair to cling to our view that people do not have a right to hurt us. We have a right to respect. Third, forgiveness requires giving up something to which we have right – namely our anger or resentment.

12. Forgiver offers Mercy Forgiving is an act of mercy toward an offender, someone who does not necessarily deserve our mercy. It is a gift to our offender for the purpose of changing the relationship between ourselves and those who have hurt us. Even if the offender is a stranger, we change our relationship because we are no longer controlled by angry feelings towards this person. In spite of everything that the offender has done, we are willing to treat him or her as a member of the human community. That person is worthy of the respect due to every being who shares our common humanity.

13. What Forgiveness Is Forgiveness begin with acknowledging that “ We are people, who have a right to be treated with respect” Forgiveness doesn’t require denial of hurt, rather it’s admitting that we’re hurt and we have a right to feel hurt, angry and resentful. Forgiveness doesn’t require denial of feelings of anger Unwillingness to admit the feelings of anger is hindrance to the process of forgiveness We don’t have to forget in order to forgive & Forgiveness doesn’t produce amnesia We can’t will our feelings to change but we take certain actions that will change our patterns of thinking, our feeling change in response to our actions.

14. Forgiveness is not Reconciliation Condoning (feeling that we deserve abuse) or Excusing (Offense doesn’t worth a quarrel, pretending we are not injured/hurt) Forgetting Justifying Calming Down Pseudo-Forgiving

15. Difference from Reconciliation 15 Reconciliation is an act of two people coming together following separation. It requires forgiveness by both parties, also requires renewal of trust and Readiness to resume relationship, requires offender to change. Forgiveness is a private act starts from single abused/hurt person; one may forgive but not reconcile. Forgiveness is a step in reconciliation.

16. Condoning or Excusing Condoning (feeling that we deserve abuse) or Excusing (Offense doesn’t worth a quarrel, pretending we are not injured/hurt) When we condone, we put up with the abuse by suffering in silence, or we convince ourselves that we deserve the abuse. When we excuse, we are saying that the offense is not worth a quarrel, or we pretend that we weren’t injured or that the offender didn’t really mean to hurt us. People come to think that forgiving means allowing yourself to be hit again, and this not true, forgiving means admitting that what was done was wrong and should not be repeated.

17. Forgetting Our brains appear to be designed to remember painful experiences. By remembering the pain and associating it with particular experience, we hope that we will avoid Painful activities in the future. We can forgive, but we should not expect to forget. The forgiveness process will not produce amnesia. Trying to forget is unhealthy. The forgiveness process will, however, change the way you remember the past.

18. Justifying Sometimes we realize that we were not wronged, that the person we thought offended was acting justly. For example, suppose someone stole a car to drive an injured child to the hospital. Upon receiving the car again, the owner recognizes that the ‘thief’ was justified in taking the car. The owner in this case may say ‘I forgive you’ but real forgiveness as I understand it is not necessary .

19. Calming Down Some people react to minor offenses with major displays of anger and afterward realize that they had overreacted. Calming down is not the same as forgiving. In some cases, outrage diminish over time. The incident that seemed so important at the time becomes less important. Although calming down is certainly beneficial, it is not forgiving does not lesson what happened it alters how we view the person in spite of what he or she did.

20. Pseudo-Forgiveness Pseudo-Forgiveness is Identified by smug attitude towards offender Used by manipulative people to gain control Denial of being hurt, not accepting hurt, as a narcissistic tendency Some use it as a psychological defense mechanism Forgiveness for attention seeking (Dr. Hunter)

21. Why to FORGIVE? FORGIVENESS…..is a pathway to freedom freedom from despondency (loss of hope/courage, dejection, low spirits) Freedom from anger, resentment, bitterness, and self-destructive behavioral patterns.

22. Are you looking for Conditional Forgiveness? Some people are willing to forgive only if they can be assured that the people they forgive will change. If only offender come to them on bended knee begging for forgiveness and promising to never hurt again. Want revenge; they just want everyone to change First Person that forgiveness changes is the person doing the forgiveness.

23. Why to FORGIVE? Benefits of Choosing to Forgive Changes in mood, Physical well being, Change in basic outlook of life, Improvement in Relationships Changes in Work habits When a person forgives, fear reduces Gain an emotional maturity. Forgiver’s transformation required two important steps; first a readiness to forgive and second, an openness to love.

24. Religion and Forgiveness The concept of forgiveness is found in many spiritual traditions, such as Christianity, Islam, Judaism, and Confucianism, which suggests that despite some differences, the act of forgiving holds great importance for human social functioning both culturally and cross-culturally (Enright & The Human Development Study Group, 1991). The spiritual and philosophical tradition of promoting forgiveness is at least 4000 years old; however, clinicians and psychologists have underestimated the therapeutic power of forgiveness due to its complex nature and spiritual origin, and have been hesitant to apply forgiveness techniques in clinical situations (Hope, 1987). Furthermore, only about 110 scholarly works on forgiveness were available until the 1970’s, while in the past 45 years over 2000 scholarly works appeared, testifying for the newly sparked interest in examining forgiveness related concepts (Hughes, 2016). 24

25. Islam & Forgiveness Muslims are defined as those who call their religion Islam and believe in the One God- Allah, Who created the world. The Arabic word Islam implies the attainment of peace through submission to Allah (The Islamic Bulletin, 2017). In Islam forgiveness is a prerequisite for genuine peace. Forgiveness is held as the better course of action whenever possible describe in a quote from the Al- Qu’ran : “The reward of an evil deed is its equivalent. But whoever pardons and seeks reconciliation, then their reward is with Allah. He certainly does not like the wrongdoers.” (Qur’an 42:40). 25

26. Surah Al-Imran “Who spend in the way of Allah both in plenty and hardship, who restrain their anger, and forgive others. Allah loves such good-doer. (Qur’an 3:134) .

27. Forgiveness is a Process Forgiveness is for imperfect people, those of us who are not necessarily the saints of the world .we less-than-saintly types sometimes find that the release from resentment is less than complete months or even years after we forgave. Sometimes we are awaken with the sense of anger that surprises, especially when we thought that our bitterness was on a speeding train south. Some-times we get discouraged about the injustice that we experienced in our distant past. Forgiveness is a process, It is not enough to say “I Forgive You” Although the words are said, the angry feeling often return. People need to go through a process to understand their feelings .

28. The Process Model of Forgiveness

29. Are you Angry? Mostly you get answers or advices Cheer up Try to be happy Look for the positive things Just don’t think about it........... First step is to recognize that you are angry (Hardest Step)

30. Phases of forgiveness An overview of the four phases of forgiveness Phase 1 ----UNCOVERING YOUR ANGER Client gains insights into whether and how the injustice and subsequent injury has compromised his or her life. How have you avoided dealing with anger? Have you faced your anger? Are you afraid to expose your shame or guilt? Has your anger affected your health? Do you compare your situation with that of the offender? Has the injury caused a permanent change in your life? Has the injury changed your worldview?

31. Unhealthy Anger Unhealthy Anger …..that is disproportionate to the cause, anger that is directed not at the person who has injured us but at innocent bystander, anger that lingers long after the event, anger that causes self-destructive behavior, anger that destroys families, marriages, and communities.

32. decide that what you have been doing hasn’t worked. Be willing to begin the forgiveness process. Decide to forgive. Forgiveness requires a decision and a commitment. Because this decision is such an important part of the process, we have broken it down into three parts: Turning your back on the past, Looking toward the future, and Choosing the path of forgiveness. Phase 2 DECIDING TO FORGIVE

33. Work toward understanding. Work toward compassion. Accept the pain. Give the offender a gift. Simply making a decision to forgive isn’t enough. People need to take concrete actions to make their forgiveness real. This phase culminates with the giving of a moral gift to the one who hurt you, Phase 3----WORKING ON FORGIVENESS

34. Discover the meaning of suffering. Discover your need for forgiveness. Discover that you are not alone. Discover the purpose of your life. Discover the freedom of forgiveness. Phase 4 DISCOVERY AND RELEASE FROM EMOTIONAL PRISON

35. Forgiveness leads to discover the meaning of suffering پی جا ایام کی تلخی کو بھی ہنس کر ناصر غم کو سہنے میں بھی قدرت نے مزا رکھا ہے

36. Any Questions

37. Thank You