Bart Simpson's Guide-To-Life
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About This Presentation
Live the Bart Way!
Slide Content
Dedicated to the memory of Snowball I:
Whenever we hear a cat young at 3 AX. whenever we
slp on a slimy harbal, whenever we inhale the tart aroma
of a neglected cat box. we think of you
>
The Simpsons”, created by Matt Groening, re the copyrighted
end trademarked property of Twentieth Century Fox film Corporation
‘Used with pernisson. All ichs reserve.
BART SIMPSONS GUIDE TO LIE. Copyright © 1993 by Matt Groening
Productions, Inc. Al ists reserved irte inthe United States of Arena
[No part of this book may be used er reproduced in any manner whatsoever
without written permission except in he case of brief quotations
embodied in crea articles and reviews. For information address
HarperColirs Publishes, nc,
10 Fast 53rd Stee, New Yor, NY 10028
HarperColins books may be purchased for education, busines,
‘or sles promotional use. For information, please call or mr:
Special Merkes Department, HaperColins Publishers Inc,
10 ast S3r Steet, New York, NY 10022.
ISSN 0-06-096975
(00 01 02 03 04 RRD(C) 36 35 34 33 32 31 30 29
Concepts Direction: ML SMYTHE.
Supreme Sevens:
JAME ANGELL
Logistical Overlord: DOUG WHALEY
Design. PETER ALEXANDER, DOUG WHALEY
‘Whiz: DANIEL AMANTE
BLL MORRISON, MIU SMYTHE, MARY TRAINOR, DOUG WHALEY
Research Boy: IM JENSEN
‘Artis: BL MORRISON, DALE HENDRCKSON, JOHN ADAM
Legal Guardian. SUSAN GROVE
Editor: WENDY WOLF
Film Separations: GRAPHICS PLUS
Printed by: RR DONNELLEY & SONS
‘Special Thanks to Christina Simonds and the LA. Pubic Library System
k
SER Eel
RN
np
Aer ki re 0 0, cs We
HEALTH FITNESS. 33
Tics» isle of Üngerheine "totem pudor cua
WORK MONEY 45
embalmprs > Me ltlony. sche url of bade,
AFTER HOURS ...57
dolls sugree milkegithie gargoyles
PARENTS...
67
y lala" lies they toll you
‚RT & CULTURE... 75
fellas the dont jchodah + lage guido bra tribleks
SCIENCE... 85
noto» qecelevation + the amakıng antigravity bey
LANGUAGE & COMMUNICATIC
the loft-hamiled taboo » pig Ai, GE
A: 9 erh
iv shoals =
ANIMALS ...103
congelé ee years © ullimblo dream pol
SEX. 113
cm babicy® love Hank for grade-ichedferg
‘PSYCHOLOGY... 121
Sombreros « Herönephihia » wopclegn
LAW 8 ORDER... .131
umgheng mire ys he "shiver Hola ha” defen
XMAS... 139
(un Hg sembicaesante leap »faper clip sud
STRANGE FACTS... 151
weret sauce © ation boervier © filler quale
RELIGION. 166
Geren shall ten days
CONCLUSION ..-176
Peel further adeicaid ents
\ INDEX...177,
bore ef Masai aipdaletical rte?
Whenever we hear a cat young at 3 AX. whenever we
slp on a slimy harbal, whenever we inhale the tart aroma
of a neglected cat box. we think of you
>
The Simpsons”, created by Matt Groening, re the copyrighted
end trademarked property of Twentieth Century Fox film Corporation
‘Used with pernisson. All ichs reserve.
BART SIMPSONS GUIDE TO LIE. Copyright © 1993 by Matt Groening
Productions, Inc. Al ists reserved irte inthe United States of Arena
[No part of this book may be used er reproduced in any manner whatsoever
without written permission except in he case of brief quotations
embodied in crea articles and reviews. For information address
HarperColirs Publishes, nc,
10 Fast 53rd Stee, New Yor, NY 10028
HarperColins books may be purchased for education, busines,
‘or sles promotional use. For information, please call or mr:
Special Merkes Department, HaperColins Publishers Inc,
10 ast S3r Steet, New York, NY 10022.
ISSN 0-06-096975
(00 01 02 03 04 RRD(C) 36 35 34 33 32 31 30 29
Concepts Direction: ML SMYTHE.
Supreme Sevens:
JAME ANGELL
Logistical Overlord: DOUG WHALEY
Design. PETER ALEXANDER, DOUG WHALEY
‘Whiz: DANIEL AMANTE
BLL MORRISON, MIU SMYTHE, MARY TRAINOR, DOUG WHALEY
Research Boy: IM JENSEN
‘Artis: BL MORRISON, DALE HENDRCKSON, JOHN ADAM
Legal Guardian. SUSAN GROVE
Editor: WENDY WOLF
Film Separations: GRAPHICS PLUS
Printed by: RR DONNELLEY & SONS
‘Special Thanks to Christina Simonds and the LA. Pubic Library System
k
SER Eel
RN
np
Aer ki re 0 0, cs We
HEALTH FITNESS. 33
Tics» isle of Üngerheine "totem pudor cua
WORK MONEY 45
embalmprs > Me ltlony. sche url of bade,
AFTER HOURS ...57
dolls sugree milkegithie gargoyles
PARENTS...
67
y lala" lies they toll you
‚RT & CULTURE... 75
fellas the dont jchodah + lage guido bra tribleks
SCIENCE... 85
noto» qecelevation + the amakıng antigravity bey
LANGUAGE & COMMUNICATIC
the loft-hamiled taboo » pig Ai, GE
A: 9 erh
iv shoals =
ANIMALS ...103
congelé ee years © ullimblo dream pol
SEX. 113
cm babicy® love Hank for grade-ichedferg
‘PSYCHOLOGY... 121
Sombreros « Herönephihia » wopclegn
LAW 8 ORDER... .131
umgheng mire ys he "shiver Hola ha” defen
XMAS... 139
(un Hg sembicaesante leap »faper clip sud
STRANGE FACTS... 151
weret sauce © ation boervier © filler quale
RELIGION. 166
Geren shall ten days
CONCLUSION ..-176
Peel further adeicaid ents
\ INDEX...177,
bore ef Masai aipdaletical rte?
lo there, Friend,
and welcome to Bar? Simson
Gute t Life. VF you didnt
swipe this book.* and it waseit
a gift. then we here at the
Bart Simpson Foundation for
Personal Enrichment most
‘assume that you actualy paid
money fr this merchandise.
Therefore we must assume that
you are a concerned and
sensitive individual seeking
truth and understanding, one
who cares deeply about the
environment and his or her
fellow human beings. one who is
eager to embark on the
et worth ploy
enlightenment. ERIK,
s u.
Welcome to Suckersville, man.
.
To lo eh e Ml ia shred to
Maa mo! tha werk, majo o mest we. nomades, wham yo leal expect 1... aire desd mes man. di
and welcome to Bar? Simson
Gute t Life. VF you didnt
swipe this book.* and it waseit
a gift. then we here at the
Bart Simpson Foundation for
Personal Enrichment most
‘assume that you actualy paid
money fr this merchandise.
Therefore we must assume that
you are a concerned and
sensitive individual seeking
truth and understanding, one
who cares deeply about the
environment and his or her
fellow human beings. one who is
eager to embark on the
et worth ploy
enlightenment. ERIK,
s u.
Welcome to Suckersville, man.
.
To lo eh e Ml ia shred to
Maa mo! tha werk, majo o mest we. nomades, wham yo leal expect 1... aire desd mes man. di
FORGERY
Okay, listen up, man! We all know that kids have to do tons of stuff that really
stinks. But only one thing is so bad, so vile, so unfair, so downright awful, they had
to pass a /awto make us do it. That's right, school. Twelve years of hard time. Tote
that book! Lift those grades! Learn to read! You can't get away! ...Or can you?
By mastering one simple skill, you can slip through the clutches of the law and
take the breaks you deserve, The art of forging signatures-smoothly, cleanly, and
repeatedly—will let you live your life the way you see fit. Here
are a few crucial documents you'll use again and again. 2 © D
Take these examples, memorize ‘em, use ‘em, and >
practice, practice, practice, man!
Y
HE ULTIMATE HALL Pass
m: =
I Trigger à relapse,
—— (ur name hr)
Mission, r;
¡GUN
O y _—
By now, you can see the power and the freedom that is yours to
command, man. So start a-forgin’ with your folks’ signatures, then learn your
teachers’ (good for one year and worth it), and your principal (good for your
entire stay at that school) Proof that the pen can be mighter than the sword! 5
Okay, listen up, man! We all know that kids have to do tons of stuff that really
stinks. But only one thing is so bad, so vile, so unfair, so downright awful, they had
to pass a /awto make us do it. That's right, school. Twelve years of hard time. Tote
that book! Lift those grades! Learn to read! You can't get away! ...Or can you?
By mastering one simple skill, you can slip through the clutches of the law and
take the breaks you deserve, The art of forging signatures-smoothly, cleanly, and
repeatedly—will let you live your life the way you see fit. Here
are a few crucial documents you'll use again and again. 2 © D
Take these examples, memorize ‘em, use ‘em, and >
practice, practice, practice, man!
Y
HE ULTIMATE HALL Pass
m: =
I Trigger à relapse,
—— (ur name hr)
Mission, r;
¡GUN
O y _—
By now, you can see the power and the freedom that is yours to
command, man. So start a-forgin’ with your folks’ signatures, then learn your
teachers’ (good for one year and worth it), and your principal (good for your
entire stay at that school) Proof that the pen can be mighter than the sword! 5
3. Potato chips in the shape of
Cllebrties (Rehard
Nixon is a sure~
ee
de)
02...
oor before os rase
its Show & Tell day?
Here ara soma offical
Bart-tested
pleasers guaranteed to
pull you Through in a
cd Olof
4. Stitches (Always impressive;
be creative in explaining how
they gat there) 7
beep a straig
And if all ele fai
gross ‘em out!
AROUND THE HOUSE
1. Scars (Will do in a pinch;
make vp a good story)
2. Grannys dentures
es 5. Baby teeth (Wait “tl they
Fa out before taking.)
6. The baby (Wait ‘til Moms
not looking before taking.)
Your dads toupee
8. Your parents’ rifle
9. A sibling’ art project
O. Your dad size XXXL briefs
XXXL -sized laughs)
1. A picture of
your uncle’ tattoo
Cllebrties (Rehard
Nixon is a sure~
ee
de)
02...
oor before os rase
its Show & Tell day?
Here ara soma offical
Bart-tested
pleasers guaranteed to
pull you Through in a
cd Olof
4. Stitches (Always impressive;
be creative in explaining how
they gat there) 7
beep a straig
And if all ele fai
gross ‘em out!
AROUND THE HOUSE
1. Scars (Will do in a pinch;
make vp a good story)
2. Grannys dentures
es 5. Baby teeth (Wait “tl they
Fa out before taking.)
6. The baby (Wait ‘til Moms
not looking before taking.)
Your dads toupee
8. Your parents’ rifle
9. A sibling’ art project
O. Your dad size XXXL briefs
XXXL -sized laughs)
1. A picture of
your uncle’ tattoo
More
FROM THE GARDEN
17. The DO NOT 20. Rotten fruit or vegetables
REMOVE label forn Greferably with mold)
rom the end of your
mattress 21. Tomato worms
in we nates 22. Stinkbugs
atte w
where thay are Or ack a Pesan Get an
dette Flght=the
Feng seer % wine: ale tha Lee)
WHEN ALL
ELSE FAILS
32. Your invisible
Y
FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD | 29. Your neighbors garba,
28. Lingerie mailorder catalogs | (Garbology is now a legal an
gee | enforcement procedure.)
30. NO TRESPASSING signs
= A. Dit (Add water t
19. Rotten milk (Pass it ne
around to smell.)
FROM THE GARDEN
17. The DO NOT 20. Rotten fruit or vegetables
REMOVE label forn Greferably with mold)
rom the end of your
mattress 21. Tomato worms
in we nates 22. Stinkbugs
atte w
where thay are Or ack a Pesan Get an
dette Flght=the
Feng seer % wine: ale tha Lee)
WHEN ALL
ELSE FAILS
32. Your invisible
Y
FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD | 29. Your neighbors garba,
28. Lingerie mailorder catalogs | (Garbology is now a legal an
gee | enforcement procedure.)
30. NO TRESPASSING signs
= A. Dit (Add water t
19. Rotten milk (Pass it ne
around to smell.)
YOUR PLAYFUL GUIDE TO
PLAYGROUND
PLAYMATES
THE
ATTENTION
SEEKER
01101
PLAYGROUND
PLAYMATES
THE
ATTENTION
SEEKER
01101
How To DO A
BOOK REPORT
THIS IS FOR YOU POOR SUCKERS
WHO HAVEN'T YET PERFECTED
RT OF GETTING
THE A OUT OF
DOING IT ALTOGETHER.
aD
F 37 Bartholomew |
Br Bra.
Book ReparT Simpson
9: The title of my 7 bk thet this report
is Ea on is Calle“ The Book
Report." T+ was 638 Pages Lone,
m 24° TK. TH5 the
of how This One kid had to de
A Book Report, owıy te Wasnt
Sure how to & pretty m
was e ae a |
Name of a Book that didnt |
y txist so the teen re
ER the book a Guldnt
compare his Teport À Anybody
les. Then he made p FRE
ne The Stuy had à really
1)
HAPPY endin Bu teacher
gave the kid for
So rente
bei
E T could peally Wentify
with +he-main CharacTER
Cuz he Seemed totally rea}.
seat
or
2 ‘Blowing
( «gt tg ea ely
en o les aaa
W TO DO A BOOK REPORT LIKE THE PROS DO! |
er
es marae
ee
a)
a
+ Start a classroom revolt,
T would recomeno this Book |
to any bedy , except i+ May —
be feo intellectual For
most Grade SCtioe Lens Awd
tven igh School Kids. -
Sé In cunclusion, IA Say À
E
En
There's A Degin the
this was a great Book I+
taught me one of Life's most
important. ee El Java
coma Cheat, Cheat whole -
heartedly. Lastly i il bikes
hy that “e only MORE,
ple al Sta me A
par Read, Wed frs
> 56% Tess Crime
in America—Feda) E
Thank You
And hare a lovely’ day !
BOOK REPORT
THIS IS FOR YOU POOR SUCKERS
WHO HAVEN'T YET PERFECTED
RT OF GETTING
THE A OUT OF
DOING IT ALTOGETHER.
aD
F 37 Bartholomew |
Br Bra.
Book ReparT Simpson
9: The title of my 7 bk thet this report
is Ea on is Calle“ The Book
Report." T+ was 638 Pages Lone,
m 24° TK. TH5 the
of how This One kid had to de
A Book Report, owıy te Wasnt
Sure how to & pretty m
was e ae a |
Name of a Book that didnt |
y txist so the teen re
ER the book a Guldnt
compare his Teport À Anybody
les. Then he made p FRE
ne The Stuy had à really
1)
HAPPY endin Bu teacher
gave the kid for
So rente
bei
E T could peally Wentify
with +he-main CharacTER
Cuz he Seemed totally rea}.
seat
or
2 ‘Blowing
( «gt tg ea ely
en o les aaa
W TO DO A BOOK REPORT LIKE THE PROS DO! |
er
es marae
ee
a)
a
+ Start a classroom revolt,
T would recomeno this Book |
to any bedy , except i+ May —
be feo intellectual For
most Grade SCtioe Lens Awd
tven igh School Kids. -
Sé In cunclusion, IA Say À
E
En
There's A Degin the
this was a great Book I+
taught me one of Life's most
important. ee El Java
coma Cheat, Cheat whole -
heartedly. Lastly i il bikes
hy that “e only MORE,
ple al Sta me A
par Read, Wed frs
> 56% Tess Crime
in America—Feda) E
Thank You
And hare a lovely’ day !
ANNOYING QUESTIONS TO ASK YOUR TEACHER
CAN 1 GO TO THE ‚ROW DO WE KNOW WHY DO DOGS SNIFF x
KLE-DINKLE- THE SKY ISN'T REALLY pons te
TINELE-DINKLE Ce AO TRE OUR BUTTS? DIET GOING?
= COLORBLIND?
ca
HAVEN'T PERSONAL
DID YOU GET UP ON
CALCULATORS RENDERED
LONG DIVISION THE WRONG SIDE OF THE
IRRELEVANT? BED THIS MORNING?
IS ANY OF THIS
INFORMATION PERTINENT.
TO REAL LIFE?
WHY DID THEY NAME
URANUS URANUS?
OULD YOU REPEAT
THE QUESTION? I
WASN'T LISTENING?
IF YOU STICK YOURSELF ?
WITH A PENCIL, WILL YOU DO/AMDEEAS FEEL LOVE!
GET LEAD POISONING?
CAN 1 GO TO THE ‚ROW DO WE KNOW WHY DO DOGS SNIFF x
KLE-DINKLE- THE SKY ISN'T REALLY pons te
TINELE-DINKLE Ce AO TRE OUR BUTTS? DIET GOING?
= COLORBLIND?
ca
HAVEN'T PERSONAL
DID YOU GET UP ON
CALCULATORS RENDERED
LONG DIVISION THE WRONG SIDE OF THE
IRRELEVANT? BED THIS MORNING?
IS ANY OF THIS
INFORMATION PERTINENT.
TO REAL LIFE?
WHY DID THEY NAME
URANUS URANUS?
OULD YOU REPEAT
THE QUESTION? I
WASN'T LISTENING?
IF YOU STICK YOURSELF ?
WITH A PENCIL, WILL YOU DO/AMDEEAS FEEL LOVE!
GET LEAD POISONING?
Uhzohl A epic qu popped om gos a the let mite?
Did you sud
terror? Fear nat! Jost follow my easy-toruse.
Handy-Dandy Cheating Guide and yoor fears will melt
away: Take if from a pro. man: Good cheaters aren't born—
Some
Expert
Tips
Can't get anyone ete interested? Its OK. Here are a
87 Fae Tips that can save your but
Make smart
Invalvable if you have the
be Before dae friends
nly realize that dreaded history test is Unocledgcabl friend). Bee
Has your apathy suddenly turned into Si down and collect Callin any favors
sry bts you thik you ‘owed fo you
if need Then wrife on nn
wren, cp bein. ara RTE
— à EF neck
thegre made. Just practice these techniques and you'll be getting Cs instead undershirt, socks,
of Pain no Tina! But If anyone asha, yoo did't har If Som me.
rk thas fers ath à
partner The rove aka
assed age
ki $3 SEA With on and
signal the mer of the gestion
Taling ve Pesca ond hen
rics Sin Tea Sor panal
ing e for tre de
een
Hold your perl with the
Hel goth I,
right Sor Be straight
dow for Coto the eft far
Date perch nhl nd
a rose attr of ou
16
rear it from me. man! pant legs. ete ‘could mean ruin
Practice having
shifty eyes
nt
At in real estate, the most important & : O
three words are: location, location, ame principle as Crib Notes. Dar
location sit near the Teacher! rly you rite al yer inf on :
‘That obrioos. Here are à fem more Heel Ela Wey Look innocent
specifics, Use exeting cover—at behind four sleeve or in or 4
“See ith real ig hur, Don at omega that ment Be Sent
mear ang known anifchet. Aloays Try To acl an Dont shift
be near a smart person, but ff thet you read it.
Fah it pear coal person ho wont and squirm
It ee ig Rule en Drop your pencil or paper and sneak a Vek tea a
Cooper th She ser to podes? other kids’ papers when you and pensive
ways thi? the lame band down to pick it op Don't attract
Attention
Look around
on the teacher
Use this valuable at all Times
ne Pretend hat
m 1 rate
Don't get
u
Don't mention
Did you sud
terror? Fear nat! Jost follow my easy-toruse.
Handy-Dandy Cheating Guide and yoor fears will melt
away: Take if from a pro. man: Good cheaters aren't born—
Some
Expert
Tips
Can't get anyone ete interested? Its OK. Here are a
87 Fae Tips that can save your but
Make smart
Invalvable if you have the
be Before dae friends
nly realize that dreaded history test is Unocledgcabl friend). Bee
Has your apathy suddenly turned into Si down and collect Callin any favors
sry bts you thik you ‘owed fo you
if need Then wrife on nn
wren, cp bein. ara RTE
— à EF neck
thegre made. Just practice these techniques and you'll be getting Cs instead undershirt, socks,
of Pain no Tina! But If anyone asha, yoo did't har If Som me.
rk thas fers ath à
partner The rove aka
assed age
ki $3 SEA With on and
signal the mer of the gestion
Taling ve Pesca ond hen
rics Sin Tea Sor panal
ing e for tre de
een
Hold your perl with the
Hel goth I,
right Sor Be straight
dow for Coto the eft far
Date perch nhl nd
a rose attr of ou
16
rear it from me. man! pant legs. ete ‘could mean ruin
Practice having
shifty eyes
nt
At in real estate, the most important & : O
three words are: location, location, ame principle as Crib Notes. Dar
location sit near the Teacher! rly you rite al yer inf on :
‘That obrioos. Here are à fem more Heel Ela Wey Look innocent
specifics, Use exeting cover—at behind four sleeve or in or 4
“See ith real ig hur, Don at omega that ment Be Sent
mear ang known anifchet. Aloays Try To acl an Dont shift
be near a smart person, but ff thet you read it.
Fah it pear coal person ho wont and squirm
It ee ig Rule en Drop your pencil or paper and sneak a Vek tea a
Cooper th She ser to podes? other kids’ papers when you and pensive
ways thi? the lame band down to pick it op Don't attract
Attention
Look around
on the teacher
Use this valuable at all Times
ne Pretend hat
m 1 rate
Don't get
u
Don't mention
SMIK, CHEWING TALKING WITH YOUR
de Wary of you hava pr asa MOUTH FULL ioe
AU 4 ah
SMAK! ee Sad no Be Bod o
1 isis à que alce sore that what You any le entertain
ur Wamanknd for alce MI a “cine Tepic) and thatthe other
| can tell sos mei her dinner guests can understand you.
| rape of the seres that ve mag
| re {ily understand. And perhaps
poets left that way, man.
HELPINGS
We ant know MANNERS ELBOWS ON THE TABLE Tho goal here is to keep your siblings
This is always acceptable. In fact, in from getting anything. IF you keep
ou chewing 1 3 mirmam ab farce
AT THE TABLE ARE ‘the United States it is considered
IMPORTANT. HOWEVER,
SOME OF YOU READERS
mate
hi par to let your elbows I =
rhea tases, |
‘hing down with lots of carbo
water you Can probably ingest
3754 timate much food as a
MAY BE A TAD CONFUSED ermal human con In the same amount ER
WHEN IT COMES TO OF Tine: So keep on ahora man, TRANGATION:
THE FINER POINTS (| DRESS DONT TALK WITH JOUR MOUTH FULL!
OF MEALTIME For camel O MEALTIME TOPICS
ETIQUETTE. NEVER FEAR, iin of der are recommended Clans sur acre hn
MY ILL-BRED FRIENDS: oer a Mall mere fin tan
THE FOLLOWING ARE SOME stupid balls een fel tar testes eae watching an angry per
SIMPLE GUIDELINES FROM : Ws ted yd at the
EATING WT 5 fave tie
YOURS TRULY, APPROPRIATE Catan Rode hod NEVER baten 7
with the fing Basically. anythi
FOR ANY OCCASION. = sith the Phere Bn wating
a OT a EE ee Ange Th
verubody knows that the shortast A ces: pudängeremmen com ri
BE do pod leo ston. he Beare areas Hee
straight line. So I recommend the ‘ry a8 we might, our experts were
forward pass. Bonus points if the unable To suck steak through straws,
makes it into the intended so you will have To eat this with
recipients mouth. (Not recommended °°" fingers.
for passing hot grease.)
THE PROPER
OF UTENSILS
rensis can be useful from time to
‘great for flossing after meal
SLURPING SOUP
In this camry tte
erde
2 Een Tid form.
de Wary of you hava pr asa MOUTH FULL ioe
AU 4 ah
SMAK! ee Sad no Be Bod o
1 isis à que alce sore that what You any le entertain
ur Wamanknd for alce MI a “cine Tepic) and thatthe other
| can tell sos mei her dinner guests can understand you.
| rape of the seres that ve mag
| re {ily understand. And perhaps
poets left that way, man.
HELPINGS
We ant know MANNERS ELBOWS ON THE TABLE Tho goal here is to keep your siblings
This is always acceptable. In fact, in from getting anything. IF you keep
ou chewing 1 3 mirmam ab farce
AT THE TABLE ARE ‘the United States it is considered
IMPORTANT. HOWEVER,
SOME OF YOU READERS
mate
hi par to let your elbows I =
rhea tases, |
‘hing down with lots of carbo
water you Can probably ingest
3754 timate much food as a
MAY BE A TAD CONFUSED ermal human con In the same amount ER
WHEN IT COMES TO OF Tine: So keep on ahora man, TRANGATION:
THE FINER POINTS (| DRESS DONT TALK WITH JOUR MOUTH FULL!
OF MEALTIME For camel O MEALTIME TOPICS
ETIQUETTE. NEVER FEAR, iin of der are recommended Clans sur acre hn
MY ILL-BRED FRIENDS: oer a Mall mere fin tan
THE FOLLOWING ARE SOME stupid balls een fel tar testes eae watching an angry per
SIMPLE GUIDELINES FROM : Ws ted yd at the
EATING WT 5 fave tie
YOURS TRULY, APPROPRIATE Catan Rode hod NEVER baten 7
with the fing Basically. anythi
FOR ANY OCCASION. = sith the Phere Bn wating
a OT a EE ee Ange Th
verubody knows that the shortast A ces: pudängeremmen com ri
BE do pod leo ston. he Beare areas Hee
straight line. So I recommend the ‘ry a8 we might, our experts were
forward pass. Bonus points if the unable To suck steak through straws,
makes it into the intended so you will have To eat this with
recipients mouth. (Not recommended °°" fingers.
for passing hot grease.)
THE PROPER
OF UTENSILS
rensis can be useful from time to
‘great for flossing after meal
SLURPING SOUP
In this camry tte
erde
2 Een Tid form.
N NUTRITIONAL INST,
simPso TUTE p,
ART RES.
En,
7,
s
FU ain wheat Gad cat muaa ake sure
you're eating right. The handy chart below
THE FOOD PYRAMID
BARTERING GUIDE
Yo, kids! Not sure of the exact street value of your lunch contents?
Been left holding the (empty) bag one too many times? Cut out this
hhandy pocket guide and make sure you never get ripped off again, man!
lists all the foods you're likely to need to build a LEVEL am (LET'S MAKE A) ant
strong and healthy bod like mine. LEVEL 8
2. Dovble-chocelate ice cream
{As you may have noticed, some essential food items did not fit en
properly in the four main food groups, but since we figured they're of
vital nutritional value, we've assigned them subgroups of their own.)
train bona
ee
si
he
gain parfait
A (gepe-flavored)
vag
ted Perk Rinds
3. Mayonnaise sandwich
Kidman pl
> Coat ant
27. Soy mil lain}
En) ft
Each iter is worth 2 tems in trade from the Level below it
: For example: 2 items from LEVEL E
mat cakes (I pickled egg +1 pimento loaf sandwich) could
imburger croquet tes be traded for itemon LEVEL D ( plain cake donu),
rain
ert ee ees es ES
ee
22 diy encon men aci MO roma 36. Pork
crackline 2
simPso TUTE p,
ART RES.
En,
7,
s
FU ain wheat Gad cat muaa ake sure
you're eating right. The handy chart below
THE FOOD PYRAMID
BARTERING GUIDE
Yo, kids! Not sure of the exact street value of your lunch contents?
Been left holding the (empty) bag one too many times? Cut out this
hhandy pocket guide and make sure you never get ripped off again, man!
lists all the foods you're likely to need to build a LEVEL am (LET'S MAKE A) ant
strong and healthy bod like mine. LEVEL 8
2. Dovble-chocelate ice cream
{As you may have noticed, some essential food items did not fit en
properly in the four main food groups, but since we figured they're of
vital nutritional value, we've assigned them subgroups of their own.)
train bona
ee
si
he
gain parfait
A (gepe-flavored)
vag
ted Perk Rinds
3. Mayonnaise sandwich
Kidman pl
> Coat ant
27. Soy mil lain}
En) ft
Each iter is worth 2 tems in trade from the Level below it
: For example: 2 items from LEVEL E
mat cakes (I pickled egg +1 pimento loaf sandwich) could
imburger croquet tes be traded for itemon LEVEL D ( plain cake donu),
rain
ert ee ees es ES
ee
22 diy encon men aci MO roma 36. Pork
crackline 2
“Accidental”
ai yor il We youre mapping it op
eas into the paper Towel and Take
hr
GROSS-OUTS ehe
‘Compare what other people are eating Deo yoda at The wrong 20% candowl” While everyone looks. sneak
to gross things ther food looks Ike Gore te thes Joe Shaner ont yor the brother
Stk with Es rate bot nd 2 en glk tc, jr ng, “So
Tapioca pudding = fish eyes
spaghetti = bloody worms
sof t-boied eggs = chicken embryos
tuna casserole = cat vomit
sausage links © intestines
liver = liver
Kidneys = kidneys
You get the picture.
‘Stories about car wrecks. broken
bones. disfiguring accidents. serial
furs ale Does elie
arms dentures. the
Sabo meek
larvae. pupae. worms.
rotten eggs. boogers.
mocus. BO. and other
wonders of nature are
sure to prevent some
o grany for your mashed potatoes? Time ta
eine ae
al off your plate. man! Try these
TO ACQUIRE FOOD:
+ Conyers tre
tp off thar gard Tey thing
de, gore en
ee ar e
pato in Ben or "on.
Lande: ur toh ok so ral eight = Doge wl only eat estr
Mind akg ma Tom re From the be If you an ga something
pipa er ye bo yo lp the nat tp oF gating
ee we ol ie fe woh als Eat
desperate maman Try something Ike st a or Pace ven ging
SHE Lea Move yoo dar fe that Moe nch a münchen a pce of mes:
ba don ni de aM
oj breath “(nthe year 2014)" fern er
or sucker from fishing ox con ther the pat after Mp of Sod i dat
fear lo, Ask gow ster dhe woud
Bey moles are fun and Ms some re pone
etching Toy ono dl nie era gee nh nd
of the le Sec? Food People pat love
(sd ss green nd ary, it i
Te moving too fast for you to see it. T
gu”
— This can also be
weed as à cover for getting rid of unwanted
items. While everyones heads are bowed
and eyes closed. shift the food of f your
pie ad to ya bp Alo work wl fr
Sbtaining desirable food items.
Hanke a higee noise with your
wed trot 7
Fake Mee you're poling
Play an armyit smphony
Make ggg rois
See
ESS
13
— Chew vp
a mouthful of food and show it to your
brother or sister. Then have them try to
de the same fo you The First one to get
caught by your parent loses.
3 = Some foods cry
cout Tobe scdpted Mashed potatous (mixed
with ost about anything) are perfect. but
ice cream, oatmeal. and gelatin all work well
Have a contest To see who can make the
highest tower. Remember arf knows no
bonds.
(or water glass) This is a realy cool
Ma gas aw ala ed ee
of a crystal glass and it makes a musical
sound. The rote will be higher or lower
depending on how much laud is in the glass.
Have everyone at the table play. and you'll
be condheting a symphony!
= Pat
hot paper sauce in zomaonai water whan
theyre not looking. See if cae rotice
ee are
Be
it... youl be amazed!
ai yor il We youre mapping it op
eas into the paper Towel and Take
hr
GROSS-OUTS ehe
‘Compare what other people are eating Deo yoda at The wrong 20% candowl” While everyone looks. sneak
to gross things ther food looks Ike Gore te thes Joe Shaner ont yor the brother
Stk with Es rate bot nd 2 en glk tc, jr ng, “So
Tapioca pudding = fish eyes
spaghetti = bloody worms
sof t-boied eggs = chicken embryos
tuna casserole = cat vomit
sausage links © intestines
liver = liver
Kidneys = kidneys
You get the picture.
‘Stories about car wrecks. broken
bones. disfiguring accidents. serial
furs ale Does elie
arms dentures. the
Sabo meek
larvae. pupae. worms.
rotten eggs. boogers.
mocus. BO. and other
wonders of nature are
sure to prevent some
o grany for your mashed potatoes? Time ta
eine ae
al off your plate. man! Try these
TO ACQUIRE FOOD:
+ Conyers tre
tp off thar gard Tey thing
de, gore en
ee ar e
pato in Ben or "on.
Lande: ur toh ok so ral eight = Doge wl only eat estr
Mind akg ma Tom re From the be If you an ga something
pipa er ye bo yo lp the nat tp oF gating
ee we ol ie fe woh als Eat
desperate maman Try something Ike st a or Pace ven ging
SHE Lea Move yoo dar fe that Moe nch a münchen a pce of mes:
ba don ni de aM
oj breath “(nthe year 2014)" fern er
or sucker from fishing ox con ther the pat after Mp of Sod i dat
fear lo, Ask gow ster dhe woud
Bey moles are fun and Ms some re pone
etching Toy ono dl nie era gee nh nd
of the le Sec? Food People pat love
(sd ss green nd ary, it i
Te moving too fast for you to see it. T
gu”
— This can also be
weed as à cover for getting rid of unwanted
items. While everyones heads are bowed
and eyes closed. shift the food of f your
pie ad to ya bp Alo work wl fr
Sbtaining desirable food items.
Hanke a higee noise with your
wed trot 7
Fake Mee you're poling
Play an armyit smphony
Make ggg rois
See
ESS
13
— Chew vp
a mouthful of food and show it to your
brother or sister. Then have them try to
de the same fo you The First one to get
caught by your parent loses.
3 = Some foods cry
cout Tobe scdpted Mashed potatous (mixed
with ost about anything) are perfect. but
ice cream, oatmeal. and gelatin all work well
Have a contest To see who can make the
highest tower. Remember arf knows no
bonds.
(or water glass) This is a realy cool
Ma gas aw ala ed ee
of a crystal glass and it makes a musical
sound. The rote will be higher or lower
depending on how much laud is in the glass.
Have everyone at the table play. and you'll
be condheting a symphony!
= Pat
hot paper sauce in zomaonai water whan
theyre not looking. See if cae rotice
ee are
Be
it... youl be amazed!
ALL TIME
LMR. TEENYS
MONKEY BITES
2. FROSTED KRUSTY
FLAKES
3. EXTRA-
FROSTED KRUSTY
FLAKES
4 EXTRA-
FROSTED.
CHOCOLATE-
COVERED KRUSTY
FLAKES
5. BOBBY
PLUNKER'S
POCKET-PALS
6.1 CANT BELIEVE
ITS ONLY 97%
SUGAR!
7. KRUSTY'S SUGAR
HIGH FIVETTES
8. PLUTONIOS (THE
CEREAL THAT GLOWS IN
THE DARK)
9, SIDESHOW MEL'S
FRUITY CANNON
BALLS
10. CANDY-
COATED KRUSTY.
CAJUN CRAWDADS
11. FALLOUT BOYS |
SUCROSE
‘SPRINKLES
12 ZORCH!
Raw bacon makes
an excellent
face
mask.
ren
we pe surte
rue y ypu jou ave
SpuOWe pue Sued
“nag Of 2Ajeu
sı ojeWo, ay |
SNOLL4O
LSHNVIAR 5208
MOHSAQIS Zt
en Abby eam gon
SM
13H ITR
NMA9-L'OI
| /o9 nono une
[Cana asıyaa
SIYH EWN 8
SO-WOOT) L
The peach is a
Chinese symbol of oon
immorality. ar
ara. à raw
it dish served in SIKSRN 1330'S
e OA OWN
agp? ès flavorin :
a pie anes} Dingredients. ©
squioy UT u puro, S Auld aaa E
À sooye10d paper y << o
A > 3, SAWN WD
ln Coke cleans SLI FOWNG Z
RIDE
arnes X3HD HO 1
penny info à
see MIL TIV
egg.
shiny again!
LMR. TEENYS
MONKEY BITES
2. FROSTED KRUSTY
FLAKES
3. EXTRA-
FROSTED KRUSTY
FLAKES
4 EXTRA-
FROSTED.
CHOCOLATE-
COVERED KRUSTY
FLAKES
5. BOBBY
PLUNKER'S
POCKET-PALS
6.1 CANT BELIEVE
ITS ONLY 97%
SUGAR!
7. KRUSTY'S SUGAR
HIGH FIVETTES
8. PLUTONIOS (THE
CEREAL THAT GLOWS IN
THE DARK)
9, SIDESHOW MEL'S
FRUITY CANNON
BALLS
10. CANDY-
COATED KRUSTY.
CAJUN CRAWDADS
11. FALLOUT BOYS |
SUCROSE
‘SPRINKLES
12 ZORCH!
Raw bacon makes
an excellent
face
mask.
ren
we pe surte
rue y ypu jou ave
SpuOWe pue Sued
“nag Of 2Ajeu
sı ojeWo, ay |
SNOLL4O
LSHNVIAR 5208
MOHSAQIS Zt
en Abby eam gon
SM
13H ITR
NMA9-L'OI
| /o9 nono une
[Cana asıyaa
SIYH EWN 8
SO-WOOT) L
The peach is a
Chinese symbol of oon
immorality. ar
ara. à raw
it dish served in SIKSRN 1330'S
e OA OWN
agp? ès flavorin :
a pie anes} Dingredients. ©
squioy UT u puro, S Auld aaa E
À sooye10d paper y << o
A > 3, SAWN WD
ln Coke cleans SLI FOWNG Z
RIDE
arnes X3HD HO 1
penny info à
see MIL TIV
egg.
shiny again!
oe THE WAY-OUT WORLD
OF TABLE MANNERS
with your host and tour guide.
‘Bartholomew J. Simpson 45
In Arab countries. never eat
sath gow left hand
Dos ak ve aby)
ep itis Pre weh to Li re
an fa the Bons so much)
|
Inf
Fe
In Bola you are expected
I |
Pie [tor B|
EATING
iret, then NE
OF TABLE MANNERS
with your host and tour guide.
‘Bartholomew J. Simpson 45
In Arab countries. never eat
sath gow left hand
Dos ak ve aby)
ep itis Pre weh to Li re
an fa the Bons so much)
|
Inf
Fe
In Bola you are expected
I |
Pie [tor B|
EATING
iret, then NE
THE DONUT
Mature s Perfect Snack Treat
FROSTI Phan
360 degrees of pure. crear blas LIKE GATING Below
ional for sora healthy
Fifty or flaky. Optional Eo nei
vive la difference
o o
o o
THE HOLE:
Empty space never
meant so much.
SATURDAY
Powdered
. Fructose-Dextrose-
WA, Sal Glucose: Free at last!
tion of the 1 GO NUTS
Tout Rich veins of Hopp (GAS
“Flavored pel
Fe [_ More About Donuts
WILL YOU BE
MY PASTRY PAL?
Win 1
center 0
TONE a domi often
Measurement of the reaches peaks of ghelds the donuts fragile A chocolate Each dorwt Dinkinga Somewhere The
Date Pare 10.000 calories eer from the harsh adela per ON er ah
jective incremente andmore effacts of utraviclet contains than 1% of coffee is, at any given“
can predict future radiation However. doug LÉ u considered moment, is der
magnitude ol Carming threatens to - amount someone it
strointestinal destroy this very essential chocolate of anything. Arte ‘eating a “dough.”
ae part of the dorkephere. «8. hice ae
Mature s Perfect Snack Treat
FROSTI Phan
360 degrees of pure. crear blas LIKE GATING Below
ional for sora healthy
Fifty or flaky. Optional Eo nei
vive la difference
o o
o o
THE HOLE:
Empty space never
meant so much.
SATURDAY
Powdered
. Fructose-Dextrose-
WA, Sal Glucose: Free at last!
tion of the 1 GO NUTS
Tout Rich veins of Hopp (GAS
“Flavored pel
Fe [_ More About Donuts
WILL YOU BE
MY PASTRY PAL?
Win 1
center 0
TONE a domi often
Measurement of the reaches peaks of ghelds the donuts fragile A chocolate Each dorwt Dinkinga Somewhere The
Date Pare 10.000 calories eer from the harsh adela per ON er ah
jective incremente andmore effacts of utraviclet contains than 1% of coffee is, at any given“
can predict future radiation However. doug LÉ u considered moment, is der
magnitude ol Carming threatens to - amount someone it
strointestinal destroy this very essential chocolate of anything. Arte ‘eating a “dough.”
ae part of the dorkephere. «8. hice ae
Health & Fitness
Noggin
~ Heavy brow ridge
Inner child (The sure sign of
\ superior intelligence)
Eye tooth
Schnozzola
The human body, je) The longest hair aver e When we sneez.
contains 3,000,000 belonged to Swami the air shoots out o
sweat glands Panderasannadhi, an Indian — our noses at 100 ms
monk. It was 26 feet long.
The kin weighs Scientists have
From 6-10 fou It ir The human bedy is recently found that *
were spread out flat, it about 2/3 water: sagen ass a un
eN 308 rain the ode
about 34%. X 76 e average person well-being and tha
vu PMS 116 in Den oral Concave Islet of Langerhans
color the skin isthe cable Feet of air na death.
bodys largest orgon, ‘lifetime.
LE you get your
ado Ta poled
Less than half of
ne kidney con de the work you become a
E
of two kidneys! lhardy person. z Athlete's faor Achilles" heel
Four little piggies
The The Doubl e Bar
Whörl The Loop "Loop The-Arch eee
WAX Va =
(( \ N
KE IIND
Zippy Loopy Grmpy Doofy Master, as
This is what your hair looks like in
cross-section if it is:
© = ==
Straight Curly Frizzy Permed
~ Heavy brow ridge
Inner child (The sure sign of
\ superior intelligence)
Eye tooth
Schnozzola
The human body, je) The longest hair aver e When we sneez.
contains 3,000,000 belonged to Swami the air shoots out o
sweat glands Panderasannadhi, an Indian — our noses at 100 ms
monk. It was 26 feet long.
The kin weighs Scientists have
From 6-10 fou It ir The human bedy is recently found that *
were spread out flat, it about 2/3 water: sagen ass a un
eN 308 rain the ode
about 34%. X 76 e average person well-being and tha
vu PMS 116 in Den oral Concave Islet of Langerhans
color the skin isthe cable Feet of air na death.
bodys largest orgon, ‘lifetime.
LE you get your
ado Ta poled
Less than half of
ne kidney con de the work you become a
E
of two kidneys! lhardy person. z Athlete's faor Achilles" heel
Four little piggies
The The Doubl e Bar
Whörl The Loop "Loop The-Arch eee
WAX Va =
(( \ N
KE IIND
Zippy Loopy Grmpy Doofy Master, as
This is what your hair looks like in
cross-section if it is:
© = ==
Straight Curly Frizzy Permed
HICCUPS
1. Put your elbow in
your mouth and hold
it there for 30 minutes,
7. Have someone run
‘over your toes with a
skateboard.
7 3. Get nose-to-nose
DY wii someone you
2. Hold your breath,
and while you're
holding it drink an
entire 8 oz. glass of
water without
stopping to breathe.
3. Turn your pockets
inside out.
4. If that doesn't work,
turn someone else's
pockets inside out.
dislike and stare at him
or her for 15 minutes.
9, Put ice cubes in
your shoes and walk
backwards in them for
36 paces.
10: Think of three bald
E men.
fac! AD)
=} 11. Put a bunch of
potato bugs ina sack
fend tie it around your
neck with a sting
5. Place a wastebasket
D on your head and
have someone play
the drum solo from
*In-e-gadda-da-vida.”
6. Eat a spoonful of
sugar.
19. Stand on your head,
13. Accuse the victim
‘of something he or shel
has not done.
14. Breathe into a
paper bag.
15. Bungee Jump.
16. Pour salt on your
tongue.
17. Bite your thumbs
and blow hard against
them for one minute
18. Write “I will not
hiccup" 50 times on a
blackboard,
19. Whistle in the dar
20. Eat 10 candy bars.
Who cares if the
hiccups don't stop?
ES ee Oe ene
—
—
SUNBURN
Appiy an ice-cold
Stich ee to the
eflected area. Always
fee cup first
For severe burns,
cover your entire
body with a salve of
blueberry gelatin
mixed with avocado.
paste. Dot with
‘miniature marsh- YA
mallows. =
WARTS
There's an ol wives!
Ue thot ays hogs ave
you war fot ete
Fes: actly can cure
wore To get sdf
wer pei at teas
ine hour et aap
foncling Being, or
ssing a frog. After
maybe one the
ar should eae
HAY FEVER
Apply waffle batter on
and around the navel.
Leave on overnight.
WARNING: If you roll
over onto your
stomach in the night,
it may be difficult to
remove yourself from
bed in the morning,
COUGHING
Frogs also make
excellent cough
suppressants. To
‘get rid of a cough,
put a live frog in your
‘mouth, then release
it. Repeat 3 times,
The cough should
disappear, maybe.
Or eat several bowls
of chocolate ice
cream, followed by a
big handful of breath
mints. Wash everything
down with a bottle
of whiskey.
ACNE
Cover
pimples
with a
yellow
highlighter.
If condition
persists,
cover head
with a brown
Paper bas.
ENNUI
a. Avoid any
school-related activity
for at least a week.
b. Body should be
kept in a prone
position, preferably in
the living room on a
long, comfortable
sofa.
€. Intensive comic
book reading and
heavy doses of
cartoon watching are
advised. These
activities have been
clinically proven to
speed recovery.
Unfortunately, there
is no cure for lockjaw.
However, lockjaw
js à great cure for
IF ALL
ELSE FAILS,
TAKE TWO
ASPIRINS
1. Put your elbow in
your mouth and hold
it there for 30 minutes,
7. Have someone run
‘over your toes with a
skateboard.
7 3. Get nose-to-nose
DY wii someone you
2. Hold your breath,
and while you're
holding it drink an
entire 8 oz. glass of
water without
stopping to breathe.
3. Turn your pockets
inside out.
4. If that doesn't work,
turn someone else's
pockets inside out.
dislike and stare at him
or her for 15 minutes.
9, Put ice cubes in
your shoes and walk
backwards in them for
36 paces.
10: Think of three bald
E men.
fac! AD)
=} 11. Put a bunch of
potato bugs ina sack
fend tie it around your
neck with a sting
5. Place a wastebasket
D on your head and
have someone play
the drum solo from
*In-e-gadda-da-vida.”
6. Eat a spoonful of
sugar.
19. Stand on your head,
13. Accuse the victim
‘of something he or shel
has not done.
14. Breathe into a
paper bag.
15. Bungee Jump.
16. Pour salt on your
tongue.
17. Bite your thumbs
and blow hard against
them for one minute
18. Write “I will not
hiccup" 50 times on a
blackboard,
19. Whistle in the dar
20. Eat 10 candy bars.
Who cares if the
hiccups don't stop?
ES ee Oe ene
—
—
SUNBURN
Appiy an ice-cold
Stich ee to the
eflected area. Always
fee cup first
For severe burns,
cover your entire
body with a salve of
blueberry gelatin
mixed with avocado.
paste. Dot with
‘miniature marsh- YA
mallows. =
WARTS
There's an ol wives!
Ue thot ays hogs ave
you war fot ete
Fes: actly can cure
wore To get sdf
wer pei at teas
ine hour et aap
foncling Being, or
ssing a frog. After
maybe one the
ar should eae
HAY FEVER
Apply waffle batter on
and around the navel.
Leave on overnight.
WARNING: If you roll
over onto your
stomach in the night,
it may be difficult to
remove yourself from
bed in the morning,
COUGHING
Frogs also make
excellent cough
suppressants. To
‘get rid of a cough,
put a live frog in your
‘mouth, then release
it. Repeat 3 times,
The cough should
disappear, maybe.
Or eat several bowls
of chocolate ice
cream, followed by a
big handful of breath
mints. Wash everything
down with a bottle
of whiskey.
ACNE
Cover
pimples
with a
yellow
highlighter.
If condition
persists,
cover head
with a brown
Paper bas.
ENNUI
a. Avoid any
school-related activity
for at least a week.
b. Body should be
kept in a prone
position, preferably in
the living room on a
long, comfortable
sofa.
€. Intensive comic
book reading and
heavy doses of
cartoon watching are
advised. These
activities have been
clinically proven to
speed recovery.
Unfortunately, there
is no cure for lockjaw.
However, lockjaw
js à great cure for
IF ALL
ELSE FAILS,
TAKE TWO
ASPIRINS
De of
BA HIN
4 pot Ns ra
DONA
0
Bah. hub at way To 20° h
ee Ea BE 1 also N
off pia E Flies avayı man Y
PREPARATION — PROCEDURE @ :
You will need: 1 Turn on water.
1. Towel 2. Once water has filled tub to
2. Bath toys desired level hop in.
3. A beat 3, Remove clothing
disregar: First.
for others
DID YOU KNOW
The Phoenicians in Oth
century 3c. were the first
people to use soap. They made
it by bolling goat fat.
and ash.
FOR THE ADVENTUROUS
Human Prine
1
st in the tub for as. as:
A ee
er
2 on care the dats of your
Jorger sblings by teling them
ve a strange, nour ta
cont gis skin disease in the bathtub,
2. Bithroom Tunari
Stir vp a "storm at sea” by swirling the
water in the bathtub around and around
¿jar body. Whip things into a fren
Ed wach ae Re el Poe:
ducs struggle in vain to stay afloat
agaist the awesome majesty of
“Hurricane Jim” or “Typhoon Bobs”
3. Voyage to the Bottom of the Tib
Submerge your entire head in the water
and soe how long you can hold
breath. Or, for you thei EE
your eyes under the water (if it's not too
3026) and Take a look around down
there. if you dare!
4. The Instant Jacuzzi
Drop several handfuls of seltzer
e into the water.
are
om beg te
of delight!
THE BATH
THE SHOWER
BATH-
The
SAN à ;
q co
Drgrtocks The dow
reskzaton thet
fore seal
aes
SHOWER-
Adantage You
can sing lo there
Fee
Drawbacks The
letdown hen you
1 pos
er
Q)
BA HIN
4 pot Ns ra
DONA
0
Bah. hub at way To 20° h
ee Ea BE 1 also N
off pia E Flies avayı man Y
PREPARATION — PROCEDURE @ :
You will need: 1 Turn on water.
1. Towel 2. Once water has filled tub to
2. Bath toys desired level hop in.
3. A beat 3, Remove clothing
disregar: First.
for others
DID YOU KNOW
The Phoenicians in Oth
century 3c. were the first
people to use soap. They made
it by bolling goat fat.
and ash.
FOR THE ADVENTUROUS
Human Prine
1
st in the tub for as. as:
A ee
er
2 on care the dats of your
Jorger sblings by teling them
ve a strange, nour ta
cont gis skin disease in the bathtub,
2. Bithroom Tunari
Stir vp a "storm at sea” by swirling the
water in the bathtub around and around
¿jar body. Whip things into a fren
Ed wach ae Re el Poe:
ducs struggle in vain to stay afloat
agaist the awesome majesty of
“Hurricane Jim” or “Typhoon Bobs”
3. Voyage to the Bottom of the Tib
Submerge your entire head in the water
and soe how long you can hold
breath. Or, for you thei EE
your eyes under the water (if it's not too
3026) and Take a look around down
there. if you dare!
4. The Instant Jacuzzi
Drop several handfuls of seltzer
e into the water.
are
om beg te
of delight!
THE BATH
THE SHOWER
BATH-
The
SAN à ;
q co
Drgrtocks The dow
reskzaton thet
fore seal
aes
SHOWER-
Adantage You
can sing lo there
Fee
Drawbacks The
letdown hen you
1 pos
er
Q)
WE'RE NOT ALL
BAD, YOU KNOW!
1. There are no known
‚entive measures that can
ken against cooties.
However, a guarded
attitude and quick reflexes
Jr
lp.
he cootie has a low
igence quotient.
Some scientists have
owever. if un
“passing” technique
deca work,
or theres ho one
around to pass your
cooties to. may we suggest
the following: : ISTLEI or
N €
‚FROM BERND: AE Norms foliage i r
a
THe) cs
N RUN LÉ a angerous decoy | (OH, B AAA E Te
arg
been able to train cooties Meee ea
fo jump through Tiny
oscopic hoops.
1. Scrub infected area immediately _|
witty bocca gen ere DA
pad. You may notice some redness
at first, but it should subside.
2. Keep infected area dry.
3. Don't scratch, whatever you do, man!
4, If condition persists, consult your
local physician or à reliable entomologist.
Micrm — whichever is more convenient.
ANNOg,
BAD, YOU KNOW!
1. There are no known
‚entive measures that can
ken against cooties.
However, a guarded
attitude and quick reflexes
Jr
lp.
he cootie has a low
igence quotient.
Some scientists have
owever. if un
“passing” technique
deca work,
or theres ho one
around to pass your
cooties to. may we suggest
the following: : ISTLEI or
N €
‚FROM BERND: AE Norms foliage i r
a
THe) cs
N RUN LÉ a angerous decoy | (OH, B AAA E Te
arg
been able to train cooties Meee ea
fo jump through Tiny
oscopic hoops.
1. Scrub infected area immediately _|
witty bocca gen ere DA
pad. You may notice some redness
at first, but it should subside.
2. Keep infected area dry.
3. Don't scratch, whatever you do, man!
4, If condition persists, consult your
local physician or à reliable entomologist.
Micrm — whichever is more convenient.
ANNOg,
HEY, MAN. ADMIT IT. EVEN 40V CARE ABOUT JOUR API
SO I'VE ENLISTED THE AID OF THE TWO MOST CONVENIEI
PERSONAL GROOMING. (AND CONFIDENTIALLY, 4
NCE AND ANIMAL MAGNETISM. IT'S HUMAN NATURE, RIGHT?
TS | COULD FIND TO GIVE YOU SOME POINTERS ON
ART BY CHEWING ON SOME BREATH MINTS, MAN.)
When in doubt about The best way To main Get twice the mileage out of The way to a man's
jour hale. fesse ff. that peaches-and-cre ‘the vary last | your underwear by tune heart is through his
y conpleson le oF cel hd eee per had land Shar has
Make sure your outfits mich of peaches and e z ; Voli. Frech at ran! rie get
ue pds e
Just remember the remove the fuzza MM If you are lucky enough |) Contact your inner child by
Four Seasonings: 0 be bald, polish pr grunting and slapping your A great way to show
Parsley. Sage. Sucking in your stemachfl head o 2 bril en bely Frequently Saw Free spirit a o
e only ged you a sinmall se tha! the object of Egiing an uninhibited.
sikovetTe. 1 also la your desire may view Avoid work at al cost, Ir
more room for his, herself therein. produces swest and unsightly
calluses.
Pre
Sep Í ¿ES +
y
TEL EH jo Raven vy, nowy ag 29 7
‘manly belch,
Flour je an Masters
substitute for Palcom
een
ae ge
aay aah afte ya
shower If can keip
oor dates i place all
ad
Straighten your eyels À mar: hairstyle should
20 that thes point atra no! exceed the ig oF
vp. dicas wale à croquet bal
admiration for your bd
Buttons on clothing are
To manta that irren the devs handimotk =
“inner glow.” vat y void them.
Bu un
once a week. The scent of chili dogs.
onions. and beer, when
‘eaten in combination,
makes women swoon
Cosrseness and vga
are unforgivable 5
thats the mans k
Asus wear loafers.
After a bath. rub toll 24 you don't have
water all over your your shoes to put
be sore to Fish Firs them on.
A Flower may wow her
but with donuts she'll
go mute.
Always keep your chin
‘Always keep your chin, Demonstrate your ‘out of the rain,
of the sin ‘ulness whenever
At the end of
The number one be a heavy beard
secret of the Simpsor
Let it all hang out.
“inning personal:
SO I'VE ENLISTED THE AID OF THE TWO MOST CONVENIEI
PERSONAL GROOMING. (AND CONFIDENTIALLY, 4
NCE AND ANIMAL MAGNETISM. IT'S HUMAN NATURE, RIGHT?
TS | COULD FIND TO GIVE YOU SOME POINTERS ON
ART BY CHEWING ON SOME BREATH MINTS, MAN.)
When in doubt about The best way To main Get twice the mileage out of The way to a man's
jour hale. fesse ff. that peaches-and-cre ‘the vary last | your underwear by tune heart is through his
y conpleson le oF cel hd eee per had land Shar has
Make sure your outfits mich of peaches and e z ; Voli. Frech at ran! rie get
ue pds e
Just remember the remove the fuzza MM If you are lucky enough |) Contact your inner child by
Four Seasonings: 0 be bald, polish pr grunting and slapping your A great way to show
Parsley. Sage. Sucking in your stemachfl head o 2 bril en bely Frequently Saw Free spirit a o
e only ged you a sinmall se tha! the object of Egiing an uninhibited.
sikovetTe. 1 also la your desire may view Avoid work at al cost, Ir
more room for his, herself therein. produces swest and unsightly
calluses.
Pre
Sep Í ¿ES +
y
TEL EH jo Raven vy, nowy ag 29 7
‘manly belch,
Flour je an Masters
substitute for Palcom
een
ae ge
aay aah afte ya
shower If can keip
oor dates i place all
ad
Straighten your eyels À mar: hairstyle should
20 that thes point atra no! exceed the ig oF
vp. dicas wale à croquet bal
admiration for your bd
Buttons on clothing are
To manta that irren the devs handimotk =
“inner glow.” vat y void them.
Bu un
once a week. The scent of chili dogs.
onions. and beer, when
‘eaten in combination,
makes women swoon
Cosrseness and vga
are unforgivable 5
thats the mans k
Asus wear loafers.
After a bath. rub toll 24 you don't have
water all over your your shoes to put
be sore to Fish Firs them on.
A Flower may wow her
but with donuts she'll
go mute.
Always keep your chin
‘Always keep your chin, Demonstrate your ‘out of the rain,
of the sin ‘ulness whenever
At the end of
The number one be a heavy beard
secret of the Simpsor
Let it all hang out.
“inning personal:
Work & Money
UFO Pilot LE
WhEN You GR NW Professional Karacke Singer
Ice Cream Taste Tester
Mad
Scientist
Professional Yo-yo-ist
— Embalmer
Millionaire
Miniature
Golf Pro
Cat Burglar
Monster Truck Racı Video
ame
Water-slide Tester
Guinea Pig
Tight-rope Walke Trillionaire 47
WhEN You GR NW Professional Karacke Singer
Ice Cream Taste Tester
Mad
Scientist
Professional Yo-yo-ist
— Embalmer
Millionaire
Miniature
Golf Pro
Cat Burglar
Monster Truck Racı Video
ame
Water-slide Tester
Guinea Pig
Tight-rope Walke Trillionaire 47
Human Sacrifice
Bl. eens
Biss
(
22. Lipstick
\
Tester
Septic Tank
Repairman
18. er Man in
a Circus
Wacheir
Artist
I I + Romance Novelist
12. infomercial
Host or Hostess
13. 1...
show Hosts
À Wim
E. Liposuctionist Packer @ Sicekick
glas Tex 24. wart
I Specialist
i Janitor
5. political at an Adult De A Clone
* Prisoner Movie Theater of Your
Parents
Republican
Bl. eens
Biss
(
22. Lipstick
\
Tester
Septic Tank
Repairman
18. er Man in
a Circus
Wacheir
Artist
I I + Romance Novelist
12. infomercial
Host or Hostess
13. 1...
show Hosts
À Wim
E. Liposuctionist Packer @ Sicekick
glas Tex 24. wart
I Specialist
i Janitor
5. political at an Adult De A Clone
* Prisoner Movie Theater of Your
Parents
Republican
BART SIMPSON'S E-Z-DOES-IT GUIDE T!
AG
LAL
AND HOW TO AVOID IT AT ALL C
OUR MOTTO: 99
PERCENT INSPIRATION
AND ONLY 1 PERCENT
PERSPIRATION, MANS
) L Never Too long after a meal.
ee
che flee gat To watch TV!
RCE y td
recommend sticking the chores to
Older snake. or Stronger sings
‚to act
ge ane DA
tora, “Cant you sia In tryng à
improve my PE Then loup off
gor roo a huff.
BUT
ROD'S TOO LONG.
it. Takes a Ile patience but WHERE'S THE SANE
the results are well worth it,
EX youre te
Hee at Po
heme Tol, you may want to
rer ing al
after-school Soo 1
rn gn tog thi an
roo fe na
more so than,
Gores, Yow also may be
subjected to humil
IF you mat know chat the meaning of Ife in Run to page 123.
BUT THE BROOM
HANDLE'S BROKEN,
7. Pretend you're hurt or.
Se os mr have lit
3 Finger. a
ADE
FEATURE of being waited
on hand and foot by those
Si Taskmasters themsehres-
Jour parental
AG
LAL
AND HOW TO AVOID IT AT ALL C
OUR MOTTO: 99
PERCENT INSPIRATION
AND ONLY 1 PERCENT
PERSPIRATION, MANS
) L Never Too long after a meal.
ee
che flee gat To watch TV!
RCE y td
recommend sticking the chores to
Older snake. or Stronger sings
‚to act
ge ane DA
tora, “Cant you sia In tryng à
improve my PE Then loup off
gor roo a huff.
BUT
ROD'S TOO LONG.
it. Takes a Ile patience but WHERE'S THE SANE
the results are well worth it,
EX youre te
Hee at Po
heme Tol, you may want to
rer ing al
after-school Soo 1
rn gn tog thi an
roo fe na
more so than,
Gores, Yow also may be
subjected to humil
IF you mat know chat the meaning of Ife in Run to page 123.
BUT THE BROOM
HANDLE'S BROKEN,
7. Pretend you're hurt or.
Se os mr have lit
3 Finger. a
ADE
FEATURE of being waited
on hand and foot by those
Si Taskmasters themsehres-
Jour parental
COLD CASH, BUCK, SIMOLEONS, C-NOTE, PESO, CLAM, SMACKEROO, CABI
$ COOKIES, PAYOLA, DINERO, SMALL POTATOES, WAMPUM, SPINACH, SPONDOOLICKS, BEANS, BISCUIT, FROG SKINS,
¿
E
>
8
E
MOGEBR: CHICKEN FEED, LETTUCE, GLORY ROLL,Ws
ee, fo $ HE HARDEST WAY
DA for mou bi
DS (heck your local phone $ Manual (Ugh!) Labor
pile) to evidence of Bigfoot Aa a hat resort. many of us are
ect Bigfoot in Seattle. forced io the most base and mundane
Washington. will pay $1,000 for actions. A few standards that stand
is is the nineties. Selling lemonade ee engine en
st won't cut it anymore, man. A quarter itch, Try to fool “em with your cold cam $0 sn hour which ah
ale Here are aig ideas a teu wl O ee
cas Most Wanted” wil lawns (the same
ee ene ies ote formation badge ae Factors apply)
nviction of many of Americas Sweeping ee (take advantage
infamous criminals. Also. check of the fact That no homeowner ls
THE HARD WAY vil your local FBI branch and state — to do this.)
bang associations for rewards.
$ The Lottery (cbviouly) De Le ler clact nl
DE, Sark (in London England)
$ dor om se s ils $2 milo to the perso ho
a ially on Fridays, E "es a spaceship of a being
Aroca | IE
ou om gute the sed
Gert =
Teal sister's dis yr dad's
ambre LOU: me ater te
entra want
rel of the Hard E so, nd charge
‘hem big bucks 18 get Them back
Warring: This method may result in
nnd
we“
THE HARDER WAY
$ Information
We nan the Information Age
nowedge ls power, Keep your eyes
RES oped chains se
Denafit iat from chat you ses and
hear and offer if to them for a
price, Bookies and stockbrokers
o tu every de:
#15 ONIGYAL “LIVE “LNSGISSYd GY ATV ZOZV “SLANYSS
¥BUG “IW 3B Od 'SADYANIIAO "B3ds '5 HSM 'LN30 134 “SILOS 40
$ COOKIES, PAYOLA, DINERO, SMALL POTATOES, WAMPUM, SPINACH, SPONDOOLICKS, BEANS, BISCUIT, FROG SKINS,
¿
E
>
8
E
MOGEBR: CHICKEN FEED, LETTUCE, GLORY ROLL,Ws
ee, fo $ HE HARDEST WAY
DA for mou bi
DS (heck your local phone $ Manual (Ugh!) Labor
pile) to evidence of Bigfoot Aa a hat resort. many of us are
ect Bigfoot in Seattle. forced io the most base and mundane
Washington. will pay $1,000 for actions. A few standards that stand
is is the nineties. Selling lemonade ee engine en
st won't cut it anymore, man. A quarter itch, Try to fool “em with your cold cam $0 sn hour which ah
ale Here are aig ideas a teu wl O ee
cas Most Wanted” wil lawns (the same
ee ene ies ote formation badge ae Factors apply)
nviction of many of Americas Sweeping ee (take advantage
infamous criminals. Also. check of the fact That no homeowner ls
THE HARD WAY vil your local FBI branch and state — to do this.)
bang associations for rewards.
$ The Lottery (cbviouly) De Le ler clact nl
DE, Sark (in London England)
$ dor om se s ils $2 milo to the perso ho
a ially on Fridays, E "es a spaceship of a being
Aroca | IE
ou om gute the sed
Gert =
Teal sister's dis yr dad's
ambre LOU: me ater te
entra want
rel of the Hard E so, nd charge
‘hem big bucks 18 get Them back
Warring: This method may result in
nnd
we“
THE HARDER WAY
$ Information
We nan the Information Age
nowedge ls power, Keep your eyes
RES oped chains se
Denafit iat from chat you ses and
hear and offer if to them for a
price, Bookies and stockbrokers
o tu every de:
#15 ONIGYAL “LIVE “LNSGISSYd GY ATV ZOZV “SLANYSS
¥BUG “IW 3B Od 'SADYANIIAO "B3ds '5 HSM 'LN30 134 “SILOS 40
DEAL
IE ART OF T
5. Arouse and direct
their emotions
toward your desired
goal. BUT IF YOU
LOVE ME, HOW CAN
you EXPECT ME TO
ENDURE THE CONSTANT
HUMILIATION OF NEVER
HAVING ENOUGH CHANGE
TO BUY BIRTHDAY GIFT!
FOR My BELOVED
FAMILY?
4. Dress for success.
May)
HAVE A
MOMENT
OF JOUR
TIME,
DEAR
ONES?,
ONE
O — ><
How fo Negotiate a Decent Allowance Without Getting Spanked eeky tie
Spit-polished
A 6. State your
ee his
needs clearly.
SO WHAT PM
ASKING FOR IS
A MEASLY $50
A WEEK,
7. Restate your request in
woke eS Simpry__) an easy-to-swallow form.
UNACCEPTABLE, WAY, THAT'S MERE
I NN, z ( € 2
N 8. Move in for the kill.
À q
3. Know your opponents!
weaknesses.
2. Maintain a pleasant
but firm demeanor.
THEREFORE, oe"
GIMME MONEU IE N
MAN. 7
TM AFRAID
‘YOUR OFFER OF
104 MORE PER
PERHAPS:
THESE REVEALING
PHOTOS WILL
LOOSEN THE OLD
PURSE STRINGS?
eee
Bartholomew J. (for jillionaire) Simpson
Jou KNOW
Love YOU,
DON'T you?
9. And always 3
remember to offer
reassurance.
emma
eran
Be
THE RIGHT
DECISION,
YOU SHREWD
DEVIL YOU,
2. Start by
securing minor
agreements and 4
work your way up
to the big ones.
IE ART OF T
5. Arouse and direct
their emotions
toward your desired
goal. BUT IF YOU
LOVE ME, HOW CAN
you EXPECT ME TO
ENDURE THE CONSTANT
HUMILIATION OF NEVER
HAVING ENOUGH CHANGE
TO BUY BIRTHDAY GIFT!
FOR My BELOVED
FAMILY?
4. Dress for success.
May)
HAVE A
MOMENT
OF JOUR
TIME,
DEAR
ONES?,
ONE
O — ><
How fo Negotiate a Decent Allowance Without Getting Spanked eeky tie
Spit-polished
A 6. State your
ee his
needs clearly.
SO WHAT PM
ASKING FOR IS
A MEASLY $50
A WEEK,
7. Restate your request in
woke eS Simpry__) an easy-to-swallow form.
UNACCEPTABLE, WAY, THAT'S MERE
I NN, z ( € 2
N 8. Move in for the kill.
À q
3. Know your opponents!
weaknesses.
2. Maintain a pleasant
but firm demeanor.
THEREFORE, oe"
GIMME MONEU IE N
MAN. 7
TM AFRAID
‘YOUR OFFER OF
104 MORE PER
PERHAPS:
THESE REVEALING
PHOTOS WILL
LOOSEN THE OLD
PURSE STRINGS?
eee
Bartholomew J. (for jillionaire) Simpson
Jou KNOW
Love YOU,
DON'T you?
9. And always 3
remember to offer
reassurance.
emma
eran
Be
THE RIGHT
DECISION,
YOU SHREWD
DEVIL YOU,
2. Start by
securing minor
agreements and 4
work your way up
to the big ones.
110
t
bl
ee "ee
Simpson
SK
4
t
bl
ee "ee
Simpson
SK
4
Me
Serpeon
©
O
©
a
©
©
®
©
@
®
@
@
Serpeon
©
O
©
a
©
©
®
©
@
®
@
@
y Wake up in
discussion with you about morning with
your hurt ul (born, s
merde. uncooperative embedded in
) behavior. face.
Esgla tar cen Ike
Il grown-ups, have different
bain jthms and that
begin to = you happen To be a night owl.
BBR ee ——|
thideh trivial school-day Get a 0
babble. anecdotes. tn
joure
ue
Pretend that youre
Parents looking for the
fall asleep des
listening To an
a we
Fanblings. all the d
e house.
Get sent to brush
‘your teeth.
/ANNOS NNÁ SANOS
ua
Parent goes
rserk ar
FUN,
os FUN RO,
es À
‘Now wna Sano
chases you. Ask to have glass
bellowing tke aff — ——— of warm mik fist
rogue elephant.
62
discussion with you about morning with
your hurt ul (born, s
merde. uncooperative embedded in
) behavior. face.
Esgla tar cen Ike
Il grown-ups, have different
bain jthms and that
begin to = you happen To be a night owl.
BBR ee ——|
thideh trivial school-day Get a 0
babble. anecdotes. tn
joure
ue
Pretend that youre
Parents looking for the
fall asleep des
listening To an
a we
Fanblings. all the d
e house.
Get sent to brush
‘your teeth.
/ANNOS NNÁ SANOS
ua
Parent goes
rserk ar
FUN,
os FUN RO,
es À
‘Now wna Sano
chases you. Ask to have glass
bellowing tke aff — ——— of warm mik fist
rogue elephant.
62
Your ID
d what they are trying to tell you:
YOU SEE YOURSELF ER
IN A DREAM... IT
ing in a lake of Squshees ee _
as delcate as a flower gour breath wil stink.
gargling creamed corn you wil join the circus.
wrestling a fish things will sip through your
fingers.
you will visit ah amusement park.
reams
EN
sitting on thumbtacks — 2 gl bite you.
bring pled nt the sy by a ite gow wl became a moni tr.
seling beets to taking pigs sete be sett the rca
will strike Terror into the
of your enemies.
someone will tie your shoelaces
AAA
d what they are trying to tell you:
YOU SEE YOURSELF ER
IN A DREAM... IT
ing in a lake of Squshees ee _
as delcate as a flower gour breath wil stink.
gargling creamed corn you wil join the circus.
wrestling a fish things will sip through your
fingers.
you will visit ah amusement park.
reams
EN
sitting on thumbtacks — 2 gl bite you.
bring pled nt the sy by a ite gow wl became a moni tr.
seling beets to taking pigs sete be sett the rca
will strike Terror into the
of your enemies.
someone will tie your shoelaces
AAA
Think
ie AMYTHUE,
nis
|
EE
©
What Pa
ie AMYTHUE,
nis
|
EE
©
What Pa
LIES YOUR PA
PM ONLY DOING THIS
FOR YOUR OWN GOOD,
IF YOU TELL ME,
| PROMISE | WON'T
GET MAD.
IF YOU POINT, YOU'LL
GET WARTS.
ENTS TELL YOU
Gare) LL UNDERSTAND
WHEN Gare) OLDER.
SOMEDAY YOU'LL
THANK ME FOR THIS)
IF YOU CROSS YOUR
EYES, THEY'LL
STAY THAT WAY, ONLY GONNA
SAY THIS ONCE.
one I WAS
R AGE, | HAD IF YOU EAT ALL YOUR
TO WALK 7 MILES CARROTS, YOU CAN
TO GET TO SCHOOL. SEE IN THE DARK.
IF YOU CRACK YOUR
KNUCKLES, YOU’LL
GET ARTHRITIS.
54
YOU'LL BE SORRY.
NO MATTER WHAT
HAPPENS, YOULL
ALWAYS HAVE
YOUR FAMILY,
PM ONLY DOING THIS
FOR YOUR OWN GOOD,
IF YOU TELL ME,
| PROMISE | WON'T
GET MAD.
IF YOU POINT, YOU'LL
GET WARTS.
ENTS TELL YOU
Gare) LL UNDERSTAND
WHEN Gare) OLDER.
SOMEDAY YOU'LL
THANK ME FOR THIS)
IF YOU CROSS YOUR
EYES, THEY'LL
STAY THAT WAY, ONLY GONNA
SAY THIS ONCE.
one I WAS
R AGE, | HAD IF YOU EAT ALL YOUR
TO WALK 7 MILES CARROTS, YOU CAN
TO GET TO SCHOOL. SEE IN THE DARK.
IF YOU CRACK YOUR
KNUCKLES, YOU’LL
GET ARTHRITIS.
54
YOU'LL BE SORRY.
NO MATTER WHAT
HAPPENS, YOULL
ALWAYS HAVE
YOUR FAMILY,
AT FANCY RESTAURANTS
38. Request a booster seat.
39. Call the waiter “ggrcon.”
40. Blow bubbles in your mill.
41. Tie your napkin on your head.
42. Send back your ice water, saying
its not cold enough.
43. Eat everything with your
ingers
U. Ask to see the chef.
45. Ask to have a sip of Their wine.
46. Order the most expensive thing
on the mens.
ATTHE GROCERY STORE 47. Eat only» few bites of yor
meal, then complain of 2"
IR, SHE IZ
ENO!
ZS WAH-TA
NOT COLD ENOUGH,
GARGON.
IN THE CAR
2 Forget to go te the bathroom
before you leave on a long trip.
3. Ask “Are we there yet?”
every 20 secon
4 War ‘Tl youre on a lonely. barren
stretch oF highway, then el
them youre real hungry.
5. Whine.
6. Start a contest with your Ite
26. Sneak things into their shopping stomachache.
ster te who can talk in
re 27 (Fake fingernails, corn pads, ie dese
The squeakiest voice. ey = ee Se
7. Offer to diva tha tar fra 77. Claim you're lost and have your ard et theca a Titre.
while so they can get some shut eye. ra en y ave dessert. throw a Tanfrim.
D'ART Re 28. Practice your „ogglng with a ALWAYS
9, Instigate a rousing round of pa Fou grade À eggs. FO nimes aile
“99 Bortles of Beer on the Wall” Al 29. Lick the fruit. them 30 much you never,
10. Insist they pick up hitchhikers. < Bo m ever want To leave home.
11. Once youve arrived at your pretend youre frozen.
destination, day you want To go home.
1. Rearrange the merchandise.
12. Put your moodiness to work
IN CHURCH 32. Change the price tags on
for youth the Se mitin
scbBlng. aking. and screaming: 1H ested afta the mue eee
12. Lutigate a rovehg round of 15. Yell “I have to peepee!” L Eat 8 much stuff an sou
"998 Bottles of Beer on aa portly cn before
the Walk” (For the truly a ge Yo the checkout tne.
17. Doodle in the missal.
18. During the offering. hel
peice At ft Bd
19. Fidget.
20. If the minister looks at you.
stick out your Tongue.
34. Demand to sit in the cart.
35. Squeeze the cream
flied donuts.
1. Open all the cereal boxes on
the shelves and
sh out the prizes.
daring!)
21. Yan. 27. See if you can
move the bottom
22. Burp loudly during the homily. ee ‘gant
23. Fall asleep. med beet display.
24. Stare at the people in the
vow behind you.
25. Snore.
72
38. Request a booster seat.
39. Call the waiter “ggrcon.”
40. Blow bubbles in your mill.
41. Tie your napkin on your head.
42. Send back your ice water, saying
its not cold enough.
43. Eat everything with your
ingers
U. Ask to see the chef.
45. Ask to have a sip of Their wine.
46. Order the most expensive thing
on the mens.
ATTHE GROCERY STORE 47. Eat only» few bites of yor
meal, then complain of 2"
IR, SHE IZ
ENO!
ZS WAH-TA
NOT COLD ENOUGH,
GARGON.
IN THE CAR
2 Forget to go te the bathroom
before you leave on a long trip.
3. Ask “Are we there yet?”
every 20 secon
4 War ‘Tl youre on a lonely. barren
stretch oF highway, then el
them youre real hungry.
5. Whine.
6. Start a contest with your Ite
26. Sneak things into their shopping stomachache.
ster te who can talk in
re 27 (Fake fingernails, corn pads, ie dese
The squeakiest voice. ey = ee Se
7. Offer to diva tha tar fra 77. Claim you're lost and have your ard et theca a Titre.
while so they can get some shut eye. ra en y ave dessert. throw a Tanfrim.
D'ART Re 28. Practice your „ogglng with a ALWAYS
9, Instigate a rousing round of pa Fou grade À eggs. FO nimes aile
“99 Bortles of Beer on the Wall” Al 29. Lick the fruit. them 30 much you never,
10. Insist they pick up hitchhikers. < Bo m ever want To leave home.
11. Once youve arrived at your pretend youre frozen.
destination, day you want To go home.
1. Rearrange the merchandise.
12. Put your moodiness to work
IN CHURCH 32. Change the price tags on
for youth the Se mitin
scbBlng. aking. and screaming: 1H ested afta the mue eee
12. Lutigate a rovehg round of 15. Yell “I have to peepee!” L Eat 8 much stuff an sou
"998 Bottles of Beer on aa portly cn before
the Walk” (For the truly a ge Yo the checkout tne.
17. Doodle in the missal.
18. During the offering. hel
peice At ft Bd
19. Fidget.
20. If the minister looks at you.
stick out your Tongue.
34. Demand to sit in the cart.
35. Squeeze the cream
flied donuts.
1. Open all the cereal boxes on
the shelves and
sh out the prizes.
daring!)
21. Yan. 27. See if you can
move the bottom
22. Burp loudly during the homily. ee ‘gant
23. Fall asleep. med beet display.
24. Stare at the people in the
vow behind you.
25. Snore.
72
Art & Culture
Museum Erral
MUSEUMS ARE OUR HALLOWED HALLS OF CULTURE,
BUT DON'T HOLD THAT AGAINST "EM. THEY
DEMAND RESPECT, MAN. SO THE NEXT TIME YOU GET |]
DRAGGED INTO ONE OF THESE DUSTY OLD DUMPS,
REMEMBER TO BEHAVE. HERE'S HOW:
AT THE NATURAL
HISTORY arica as
< Arta brgan price Togo o the stuffed animal
oa E ot eg es Ms gray
NEANDERTHAL MAN
+ CE nal y Grater dato and pta tra
een
+ Rues nacho’ reve the ardor geral
ea la.
= When ys lok a the wonky mammoth
ion. ok “Wheres the beef”
Soe nda dp ed
re the apa en of a
ten
AT THE
SCIENCE MUSEUN
ace samples of your ala on
the micraecope als
+ Use the gant magnet to se 6
of classmates have
nda pos in ther head
e Mera dile
Gba, and periodica sho
aie
+ Aa the tor pe“
y ina Ja US
your aur gua how much lnger
À (Ce pl rro
hare,
tly mage the seamogeigh
cama major esti
duc. and soe iF the other
rons admire i. =
amine a blank wall as though
rola Cl thee
SD Take off ah go delas
and pose like Les if
ie tatoo
thing of beauty,
[certo
be ride of.
+ Put SOLD stickers
one
* ape your teachers photo to
ie wall with a note that eye
WILL POSE NUDE”
ROAM
a ANY MUSEUM
een
pe) moog Me cattle.
nil
= Rama eh GOOD)
Pep ia
Pa . a hip an echo.
Teer
TER
that says "Special Exhibit This Way”
+ Have a contest to see who
ee
‘the polished floors.
for coins in the donation boxes.
wah
kerio a ad. 000002 À
E
€
5
TAL A
ion B.C. _100 million 8.
WL oF
THE
a a ee
MUSEUMS ARE OUR HALLOWED HALLS OF CULTURE,
BUT DON'T HOLD THAT AGAINST "EM. THEY
DEMAND RESPECT, MAN. SO THE NEXT TIME YOU GET |]
DRAGGED INTO ONE OF THESE DUSTY OLD DUMPS,
REMEMBER TO BEHAVE. HERE'S HOW:
AT THE NATURAL
HISTORY arica as
< Arta brgan price Togo o the stuffed animal
oa E ot eg es Ms gray
NEANDERTHAL MAN
+ CE nal y Grater dato and pta tra
een
+ Rues nacho’ reve the ardor geral
ea la.
= When ys lok a the wonky mammoth
ion. ok “Wheres the beef”
Soe nda dp ed
re the apa en of a
ten
AT THE
SCIENCE MUSEUN
ace samples of your ala on
the micraecope als
+ Use the gant magnet to se 6
of classmates have
nda pos in ther head
e Mera dile
Gba, and periodica sho
aie
+ Aa the tor pe“
y ina Ja US
your aur gua how much lnger
À (Ce pl rro
hare,
tly mage the seamogeigh
cama major esti
duc. and soe iF the other
rons admire i. =
amine a blank wall as though
rola Cl thee
SD Take off ah go delas
and pose like Les if
ie tatoo
thing of beauty,
[certo
be ride of.
+ Put SOLD stickers
one
* ape your teachers photo to
ie wall with a note that eye
WILL POSE NUDE”
ROAM
a ANY MUSEUM
een
pe) moog Me cattle.
nil
= Rama eh GOOD)
Pep ia
Pa . a hip an echo.
Teer
TER
that says "Special Exhibit This Way”
+ Have a contest to see who
ee
‘the polished floors.
for coins in the donation boxes.
wah
kerio a ad. 000002 À
E
€
5
TAL A
ion B.C. _100 million 8.
WL oF
THE
a a ee
IF WIEDERSEHEN, MY DUMPLING (A Song of
How TO BE A ¿ANS As am Een
Tabot J. Daverport III
ja x + Busted te Abo Ente
"a
<e- is e Ji now the tine To say gocdhue—. Zong ang Zane © THIGH?
ree E A) Zang Korg stur
$ Auf Wiedersehen. my dumpling. noing Doing poing ?
as. MN q ae gre ia LYE?
ua Wine, © ETF ON FRENCH
GENIUS eb, ne FRU?
© Dedicate your poem to @ Or, use ONLY fee 5 ed know. PORK
somebody famous: That — punctuation. Anything =
Why be a poet? Asa way everyone will know goes. man your brain was a bi © My PIE?
full-time job its the ou are a deep and Sheet fled wth ve © althe RABBI?
closest thing there is / Important thinker: @ The bigger the reequited $
clio words, the better 1 prog mg wd fy hate ? 2-PLY?
being alv i part © Always use foreign me was
ci D Lee © SCI-FI?
oe you can act any so smart, one langvage o Use ore that here of the universe
ag you wart, isn't enough fo say what begin with the same Has illgnn ge? Hs ©
Whether you're sur on your mind. letter. People will be ahr h Keep my vel
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Bit
A Wiedersehen my darling.
$4 8 Pike Petar al
O Here is one of th
png dons chen A ps
u have
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Find out youre Poems rhyme. I
wri f these. it
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eversthing and they | osier fo pick the words of oe eg rar a
leave you alone. y That's right. Just er
Bord ects net to Subject as you go along.
ad ve caos
lay the hongos Hoi You can write
SER | eee lee ee SO YOU THINK
are gaines ard The mora hopehes SA 8 poem tf yal YER A POET, EH?
dy he beastfol A of gro pom 246 2 let of space
make “em up.
= ore vet ee. Then prove it. Use the words from tip #3 to
Page and you Too ee way gov want: Jos a COMP ONE JOUE ORNINRAE RCE”
la he's posit starters: hate. love, writing the meani
gerin. man death gut homework <P We = Bu ee ata
mb rule book. but dr your 2
Y ets ds a The time is nigh, for you to ___—_
enga O det atan Ent a)
write a poem. Sounds deep. and i
Fills up the page.
eA, 5 at e NE 1 E RON ZE ace
MA fa 2milonac. 1,250,000 80, M © me 200008, 64008, Pan A, 15008<.
TE nos 2 Fa! ö
nn a = : ;
A ER!
How TO BE A ¿ANS As am Een
Tabot J. Daverport III
ja x + Busted te Abo Ente
"a
<e- is e Ji now the tine To say gocdhue—. Zong ang Zane © THIGH?
ree E A) Zang Korg stur
$ Auf Wiedersehen. my dumpling. noing Doing poing ?
as. MN q ae gre ia LYE?
ua Wine, © ETF ON FRENCH
GENIUS eb, ne FRU?
© Dedicate your poem to @ Or, use ONLY fee 5 ed know. PORK
somebody famous: That — punctuation. Anything =
Why be a poet? Asa way everyone will know goes. man your brain was a bi © My PIE?
full-time job its the ou are a deep and Sheet fled wth ve © althe RABBI?
closest thing there is / Important thinker: @ The bigger the reequited $
clio words, the better 1 prog mg wd fy hate ? 2-PLY?
being alv i part © Always use foreign me was
ci D Lee © SCI-FI?
oe you can act any so smart, one langvage o Use ore that here of the universe
ag you wart, isn't enough fo say what begin with the same Has illgnn ge? Hs ©
Whether you're sur on your mind. letter. People will be ahr h Keep my vel
ee amazed. Ger ea
Bit
A Wiedersehen my darling.
$4 8 Pike Petar al
O Here is one of th
png dons chen A ps
u have
ce Tose its. coolest poetic secreta
Find out youre Poems rhyme. I
wri f these. it
2 post, it expaine Yo write one of these. its Coat gouts secret homes hs had O)
eversthing and they | osier fo pick the words of oe eg rar a
leave you alone. y That's right. Just er
Bord ects net to Subject as you go along.
ad ve caos
lay the hongos Hoi You can write
SER | eee lee ee SO YOU THINK
are gaines ard The mora hopehes SA 8 poem tf yal YER A POET, EH?
dy he beastfol A of gro pom 246 2 let of space
make “em up.
= ore vet ee. Then prove it. Use the words from tip #3 to
Page and you Too ee way gov want: Jos a COMP ONE JOUE ORNINRAE RCE”
la he's posit starters: hate. love, writing the meani
gerin. man death gut homework <P We = Bu ee ata
mb rule book. but dr your 2
Y ets ds a The time is nigh, for you to ___—_
enga O det atan Ent a)
write a poem. Sounds deep. and i
Fills up the page.
eA, 5 at e NE 1 E RON ZE ace
MA fa 2milonac. 1,250,000 80, M © me 200008, 64008, Pan A, 15008<.
TE nos 2 Fa! ö
nn a = : ;
A ER!
How TO BE AP
HANDY
PHRASES FOR
THE BUDDING
ARTISTIC
GENIUS
+ When Im famous,
you'l be sorry.
+ No one understands
me
+ No one understands
my wor
+ Is there free food
at that opening?
+ You're all a buncha
sellouts.
+ Suffering feeds
my art
+ Wheres my
unemployment check?
+ Could you front me
10 bucks. man?
+ 1 coulda done that
in my sleep
NOW THAT YOU'VE \
GOT THE LOWDOWN
ON HOW TO
LIKE A GENIUS, IT’S
TIME TO LEARN HOW
TO PLAY THE
PART OF
A GENIUS, MAN.
"WORKS JUST AS Wi
FOR WOULD-BE
PAINTERS,
PERFORMANCE
ARTIS’
AND MUSICIANS.
et
THE TRON AGE]
2000 B.C.
8008.c.OrPO/ — 6008. 40B.C.
EU AGE OF
ze > 1 t
"6 ETE
PERHAPS A LITTLE TV AND À
NAP WOULD REKINDLE MY MUSE.
Scorn for
umanits
a tapefty
is
bourgeol
E AGE
E [THE AGE OF BOREDOM
OF GLADIATORS
HANDY
PHRASES FOR
THE BUDDING
ARTISTIC
GENIUS
+ When Im famous,
you'l be sorry.
+ No one understands
me
+ No one understands
my wor
+ Is there free food
at that opening?
+ You're all a buncha
sellouts.
+ Suffering feeds
my art
+ Wheres my
unemployment check?
+ Could you front me
10 bucks. man?
+ 1 coulda done that
in my sleep
NOW THAT YOU'VE \
GOT THE LOWDOWN
ON HOW TO
LIKE A GENIUS, IT’S
TIME TO LEARN HOW
TO PLAY THE
PART OF
A GENIUS, MAN.
"WORKS JUST AS Wi
FOR WOULD-BE
PAINTERS,
PERFORMANCE
ARTIS’
AND MUSICIANS.
et
THE TRON AGE]
2000 B.C.
8008.c.OrPO/ — 6008. 40B.C.
EU AGE OF
ze > 1 t
"6 ETE
PERHAPS A LITTLE TV AND À
NAP WOULD REKINDLE MY MUSE.
Scorn for
umanits
a tapefty
is
bourgeol
E AGE
E [THE AGE OF BOREDOM
OF GLADIATORS
BARTHOLOMEW J. (for JENUINE!) SIMPSON PRESENTS THEN) 4. TY'S BRA
guess at the
W ib ENS Ori e
7 :
HE WORLD | Le ©
iria
04
5.THE DEVIL'S SINKHOLE
Countless daredevils have attempted
Yo trudge swampy.
2 Fodcamalin mora Rove
1.HEIDI, made it witl loss of at least
He doesnt he shoe. thy
him Jue right. M Phenomena crated this
squeaks oof the biicon vray never
WARNING! DON'T STAND know. Former e site of The
2. THE SHROUD OF JEBEDIAH 700 LONG In OME SPOT? Devils Corroded Cesspool
SPRINGFIELD
. MARGE
IMPSON'S
ARDO
17 2990 fais
‘uy my “SHROUD
JEBEDIAN”
or tow snare ago. Sara u the
Frage I nöfhing fora then a gran
ake but o the farthful itis rua
miracle.
36 ACRES OF FUN, SURROUNDED
‘BY AN ELECTRIC FENCE!
7. KRUSTYLAND
No one knows how! is that these AMUSEMENT PARK
incredible receive radio Undoubtedi of the
Traremissios A tations, 22 Seven Wonde In our ophion,
AM stations ar Thrill-tastic rides; : The
but they del wonders does it Remarkable Leakiy Tugboat. Cactus
probing into’ th conceal within? Patch, and the ending Line!
fo explain Ke We may never Not responsible for vomiting. loss of
“receiver” works, know, But it once limbs, drowning salement. or heat
come vp empty-handed. housed a nest of
Te EXPERIENCE THE HINDENBURG!
See the ae? IBURG:
Fran manne (OUR NEWEST SHRIEK-TACULAR RIDE!
guess at the
W ib ENS Ori e
7 :
HE WORLD | Le ©
iria
04
5.THE DEVIL'S SINKHOLE
Countless daredevils have attempted
Yo trudge swampy.
2 Fodcamalin mora Rove
1.HEIDI, made it witl loss of at least
He doesnt he shoe. thy
him Jue right. M Phenomena crated this
squeaks oof the biicon vray never
WARNING! DON'T STAND know. Former e site of The
2. THE SHROUD OF JEBEDIAH 700 LONG In OME SPOT? Devils Corroded Cesspool
SPRINGFIELD
. MARGE
IMPSON'S
ARDO
17 2990 fais
‘uy my “SHROUD
JEBEDIAN”
or tow snare ago. Sara u the
Frage I nöfhing fora then a gran
ake but o the farthful itis rua
miracle.
36 ACRES OF FUN, SURROUNDED
‘BY AN ELECTRIC FENCE!
7. KRUSTYLAND
No one knows how! is that these AMUSEMENT PARK
incredible receive radio Undoubtedi of the
Traremissios A tations, 22 Seven Wonde In our ophion,
AM stations ar Thrill-tastic rides; : The
but they del wonders does it Remarkable Leakiy Tugboat. Cactus
probing into’ th conceal within? Patch, and the ending Line!
fo explain Ke We may never Not responsible for vomiting. loss of
“receiver” works, know, But it once limbs, drowning salement. or heat
come vp empty-handed. housed a nest of
Te EXPERIENCE THE HINDENBURG!
See the ae? IBURG:
Fran manne (OUR NEWEST SHRIEK-TACULAR RIDE!
We hold these truths to be self-evident.
Do not Try to avoid these laws.
for they refuse to be avoided.
BART'S FIRST LAW OF MOTION:
À body rest ana a rest ut pac
I to mow the lan
ea
ay ethers Sl
eg
BART'S
UNIVERSAL
LAW OF
MOTION
en
ce acting on a bos
Y The force e carr
Do not Try to avoid these laws.
for they refuse to be avoided.
BART'S FIRST LAW OF MOTION:
À body rest ana a rest ut pac
I to mow the lan
ea
ay ethers Sl
eg
BART'S
UNIVERSAL
LAW OF
MOTION
en
ce acting on a bos
Y The force e carr
an ooze of network executives
2 squelch of chaperones
a swaddle of baby-sitters
2 grumpy of principals
a deft of magicians
a chill of assassins
a scam of televangelists
a creep of thieves
a muddle of experts
M NT!
TECHNICAL
J TRYING
THE RIGHT WORD FOR
THE RIGHT DEELY-BOB,
| ALWAYS SAY. NOW,
WE’VE ALL HEARD OF A
FLOCK OF SEAGULLS, A ff
HERD OF COWS, A SCHOOL
THE SCIENCE OF
ame
DR, HO
XP
a renzy of psychopaths
a cnide of gossips
a drab of accountants
‘latter of hairdressers
slither of yes-men
remble of freshmen
<crimp of landlords
challow of debutantes
loth of roommates
a pester of perfectionists
a squint of astronomers
OF UNRULY STUDENTS,
BUT WHADDYA CALL
A GROUP OF LANDLORDS
OR A COLLECTION OF
DRUNKARDS? READ
ON, MAN, AND RAISE
YOUR VOCABULARY TO
a cram of students
a shout of ventriloquists
a quagmire of bureaucrats
à Ab of bullies
a primp of fashion models
a crimp of chiropractors
a cruller of dieticians
a briny of sailors
a chirp of cheerleaders
carp of critics AN
a gloat of millionaires
gripe of actors
Sombast of politicians
dribble of Republicans
tubble of uncles
sleak of pessimists
lack of procrastinators
drone of teachers
sroan of comedians
AWE-INSPIRING NEW
HEIGHTS. AND THE
NEXT TIME SOMEONE
MISTAKES YOU FOR A
NOBEL PRIZE-WINNING
SCIENTIST, YOU*LL
HAVE ME TO THANK.
2 squelch of chaperones
a swaddle of baby-sitters
2 grumpy of principals
a deft of magicians
a chill of assassins
a scam of televangelists
a creep of thieves
a muddle of experts
M NT!
TECHNICAL
J TRYING
THE RIGHT WORD FOR
THE RIGHT DEELY-BOB,
| ALWAYS SAY. NOW,
WE’VE ALL HEARD OF A
FLOCK OF SEAGULLS, A ff
HERD OF COWS, A SCHOOL
THE SCIENCE OF
ame
DR, HO
XP
a renzy of psychopaths
a cnide of gossips
a drab of accountants
‘latter of hairdressers
slither of yes-men
remble of freshmen
<crimp of landlords
challow of debutantes
loth of roommates
a pester of perfectionists
a squint of astronomers
OF UNRULY STUDENTS,
BUT WHADDYA CALL
A GROUP OF LANDLORDS
OR A COLLECTION OF
DRUNKARDS? READ
ON, MAN, AND RAISE
YOUR VOCABULARY TO
a cram of students
a shout of ventriloquists
a quagmire of bureaucrats
à Ab of bullies
a primp of fashion models
a crimp of chiropractors
a cruller of dieticians
a briny of sailors
a chirp of cheerleaders
carp of critics AN
a gloat of millionaires
gripe of actors
Sombast of politicians
dribble of Republicans
tubble of uncles
sleak of pessimists
lack of procrastinators
drone of teachers
sroan of comedians
AWE-INSPIRING NEW
HEIGHTS. AND THE
NEXT TIME SOMEONE
MISTAKES YOU FOR A
NOBEL PRIZE-WINNING
SCIENTIST, YOU*LL
HAVE ME TO THANK.
FIG NEWTS
$ TAPEWORM
1022
ST E
p
a
FRILLED LAPS ue.
= /
NEWTS
1840
Looking
LEECHES &
Ay mue, Da
SNAKES
RED
FLINTSTONE
SEA
NoNKeys BS
ING KONG'S:
KING Kc
GREAT-GREAT-GREAT
“GRANDFATHER
Sc > SS
LOOFAHS BRILLO PADS
En
Alexander Graham fist oler
Bel invents the coaster
graham cracker “uit
mueres
E
pt
no
The arme o the meaning of Me may be found on page 167.
9
$ TAPEWORM
1022
ST E
p
a
FRILLED LAPS ue.
= /
NEWTS
1840
Looking
LEECHES &
Ay mue, Da
SNAKES
RED
FLINTSTONE
SEA
NoNKeys BS
ING KONG'S:
KING Kc
GREAT-GREAT-GREAT
“GRANDFATHER
Sc > SS
LOOFAHS BRILLO PADS
En
Alexander Graham fist oler
Bel invents the coaster
graham cracker “uit
mueres
E
pt
no
The arme o the meaning of Me may be found on page 167.
9
"THE MIND-BOGGLING
La of ETERNITY
Cut a strip of paper
* wide by 18" long
So Er
Gé R bles" below
unatmales er 8
dogs salivale 9,9) Q
Bi À, §
= V
| 4
1) A juicy steak Y
La of ETERNITY
Cut a strip of paper
* wide by 18" long
So Er
Gé R bles" below
unatmales er 8
dogs salivale 9,9) Q
Bi À, §
= V
| 4
1) A juicy steak Y
Language & Communication
"New poque sp ang, 1909 ma sap Fed pa ox Bop Buona yh o
An alternative to
for the true aficionado,
de: Insert “op” af ter the first
consonant of ar lable. For
angle Du becomes
doprude.” “gromnj becomes
card become
“thoprate-beproard”
And now a complete sentence
comal wormest Englah: Dont
L the
first letter
off each word and move it
to the back of the word and add an “ay.”
If the word starts with a vowel
Cntey. oil. egghead) just add “ay”
bad
at the end of it (antes wie ao bags “aha,
clas, egghead-ay)- ET’S-LAY Einer the word th op
op-odd. oprig-nopro
‘armop us. op-eb bop
N
2
Hold this page
| Qs ¡ps peousrqo
apd Turn it upside down to read
Song
Roy ort yps
bp ves due
mp pre pacobjsr
Fe pra
wRsurone 1969
ejsquê pre
beobjs ¿Low
oxger 40 feeb
packmangen
a x
cncL ap rbege” y
100° 20 ps mis
accu, jsn®nsBee
wey HE mes
ge Awe! o Aon,
ayy
pued aqu u 9805004 Jos
LETS
GROOPLE?
YOU BIG,
CRENOOTIE
NYLON 6
FROIN 8
NYA
GUADA
ONLIVOINIKWOD 9
Sad S
FANS A
anıs €
MANS 2
WISSEN 1
An alternative to
for the true aficionado,
de: Insert “op” af ter the first
consonant of ar lable. For
angle Du becomes
doprude.” “gromnj becomes
card become
“thoprate-beproard”
And now a complete sentence
comal wormest Englah: Dont
L the
first letter
off each word and move it
to the back of the word and add an “ay.”
If the word starts with a vowel
Cntey. oil. egghead) just add “ay”
bad
at the end of it (antes wie ao bags “aha,
clas, egghead-ay)- ET’S-LAY Einer the word th op
op-odd. oprig-nopro
‘armop us. op-eb bop
N
2
Hold this page
| Qs ¡ps peousrqo
apd Turn it upside down to read
Song
Roy ort yps
bp ves due
mp pre pacobjsr
Fe pra
wRsurone 1969
ejsquê pre
beobjs ¿Low
oxger 40 feeb
packmangen
a x
cncL ap rbege” y
100° 20 ps mis
accu, jsn®nsBee
wey HE mes
ge Awe! o Aon,
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pued aqu u 9805004 Jos
LETS
GROOPLE?
YOU BIG,
CRENOOTIE
NYLON 6
FROIN 8
NYA
GUADA
ONLIVOINIKWOD 9
Sad S
FANS A
anıs €
MANS 2
WISSEN 1
Western cultures,
“Whos, mama.”
The Ear Grasp
ing one’ ears
in India à sign of
repentance or
Sheerity. In Brazil
a similar gesture
EN
The Nove Thunb
Hot
countries. A more
atic variation is
Fae arb
_—
Pr
The "Come Hither"
In most Middle Eastern
aed fa Eastern
countries, ifs an insult
toa fg
“Whos, mama.”
The Ear Grasp
ing one’ ears
in India à sign of
repentance or
Sheerity. In Brazil
a similar gesture
EN
The Nove Thunb
Hot
countries. A more
atic variation is
Fae arb
_—
Pr
The "Come Hither"
In most Middle Eastern
aed fa Eastern
countries, ifs an insult
toa fg
HOW TO BE A TRANSCO
EFUL PHRASES FOR THE INTERNATIONAL SMART-ALECK
MURTESY OF BARTHOLOMEW J.
(MENTAL TROUBLEMAKER
(FOR “JE T'AIME”) SIMPS!
ITALIAN Má vattene. mah VAH-Tehnay. But get out of here.
E CHINESE Wid, kif. ! MAY muhn HOO-OH- gee. No door.
£ | PORTUGUESE Nem morta, fia a JAN. MOHRR-tah FEEL-yah. Not even dead, daughter.
= | RUSSIAN AAKAMYBAK LAH-tha choo-VAK. Paddle, dude.
E FRENCH Pas question. mon view. a ah kehesteeOHN, mohn vee-UH. No question, old one.
O | JAPANESE we teo ete L e-YAH nah KOH-tah yoh ‘An unpleasant thing!
E GERMAN Nix da, Alter. a necks dah AHL=rah. Nothing there. old one.
SPANISH N loco. to nee LOH-koh TEE-ch. Not even crazy, uncle
ITALIAN Manco per le pale. MAHN-ko pare lay PAH-lay. Not even for my Testies.
E CHINESE y GWEN DAN Roll egg;
PORTUGUESE Euro 18 mem a. M ho TORNAN IE. Lam not even there.
3 RUSSIAN HA-KA BBIKYCH nah-kah VOO-ee-koo-see. Bite through.
E FRENCH Uche moi la grappe. a ash muah la GRAHP. Let go of my grape.
JAPANESE HN HL À &. OY nah-MEN nah yoh. Hey, don't lick mel
5 GERMAN Do kannst mich mal im Mondschein begrüssen. do co md mm OA bGROO | You can greet me sometimes in the nooshine
SPANISH Chupane el alo. choo PAH-may el COO-Ioh Lick my butt.
ITALIAN Non Yincazzare ragazzo. D SS es Don't get plssed off. kid
< CHINESE ABE. LUNG CHING EE-dee-ehn. Cold and quiet. a little.
Wz | PORTUGUESE Fica frio, cara. FEE bah FREE 00. KAH-rah. Stay cold, dude.
ES RUSSIAN HETICHXYA, 4YBAK sch puh-see-HOO-ee. choo-VAK. Don't psycho. man.
EZ FRENCH Trescite pas, mec. Teck-SEET pah, mehk. Don't get excited. man.
ge JAPANESE | GAR Je) 4B 2x uw Lthe vu EE re SOs K OH Wu ZN] You'd better not be “electric.
GERMAN Reg Dich ab. Mann. rayg deskh AHP. mah. Excite yourself down, man.
SPANISH No te calientes. hermano. Don't overheat, man
roh cahrlee-EN-tess, ay-MAH-noh.|
x Peter St motes
S shoes “dressing See
> hassie-free. ‚Earth.
OTERO
The keine
AGE
et rocks and
EFUL PHRASES FOR THE INTERNATIONAL SMART-ALECK
MURTESY OF BARTHOLOMEW J.
(MENTAL TROUBLEMAKER
(FOR “JE T'AIME”) SIMPS!
ITALIAN Má vattene. mah VAH-Tehnay. But get out of here.
E CHINESE Wid, kif. ! MAY muhn HOO-OH- gee. No door.
£ | PORTUGUESE Nem morta, fia a JAN. MOHRR-tah FEEL-yah. Not even dead, daughter.
= | RUSSIAN AAKAMYBAK LAH-tha choo-VAK. Paddle, dude.
E FRENCH Pas question. mon view. a ah kehesteeOHN, mohn vee-UH. No question, old one.
O | JAPANESE we teo ete L e-YAH nah KOH-tah yoh ‘An unpleasant thing!
E GERMAN Nix da, Alter. a necks dah AHL=rah. Nothing there. old one.
SPANISH N loco. to nee LOH-koh TEE-ch. Not even crazy, uncle
ITALIAN Manco per le pale. MAHN-ko pare lay PAH-lay. Not even for my Testies.
E CHINESE y GWEN DAN Roll egg;
PORTUGUESE Euro 18 mem a. M ho TORNAN IE. Lam not even there.
3 RUSSIAN HA-KA BBIKYCH nah-kah VOO-ee-koo-see. Bite through.
E FRENCH Uche moi la grappe. a ash muah la GRAHP. Let go of my grape.
JAPANESE HN HL À &. OY nah-MEN nah yoh. Hey, don't lick mel
5 GERMAN Do kannst mich mal im Mondschein begrüssen. do co md mm OA bGROO | You can greet me sometimes in the nooshine
SPANISH Chupane el alo. choo PAH-may el COO-Ioh Lick my butt.
ITALIAN Non Yincazzare ragazzo. D SS es Don't get plssed off. kid
< CHINESE ABE. LUNG CHING EE-dee-ehn. Cold and quiet. a little.
Wz | PORTUGUESE Fica frio, cara. FEE bah FREE 00. KAH-rah. Stay cold, dude.
ES RUSSIAN HETICHXYA, 4YBAK sch puh-see-HOO-ee. choo-VAK. Don't psycho. man.
EZ FRENCH Trescite pas, mec. Teck-SEET pah, mehk. Don't get excited. man.
ge JAPANESE | GAR Je) 4B 2x uw Lthe vu EE re SOs K OH Wu ZN] You'd better not be “electric.
GERMAN Reg Dich ab. Mann. rayg deskh AHP. mah. Excite yourself down, man.
SPANISH No te calientes. hermano. Don't overheat, man
roh cahrlee-EN-tess, ay-MAH-noh.|
x Peter St motes
S shoes “dressing See
> hassie-free. ‚Earth.
OTERO
The keine
AGE
et rocks and
HOW TO BE A TRANSCO
BROUGHT TO YOU BY THAT SUAVE, SOPHISTICATED GLOBI
TINENTAL TROUBLEMAKER
HIMSELF, BARTHOLOMEW J.
‘Damn to the misery!
Meet ghost!
Ay caramba!
Jour mama!
Ay caramba!
Serious!
Sack of cement!
ice!
Done NET AO sac | Thave an announcement fo make: Jm bored.
ITALIAN “NAH jh lah MEE say EE
a CHINESE LE! CHEE-EHN GWAY!
¿ PORTUGUESE A caramba! a lee cah-RAHM-bah!
RUSSIAN TBOW MATE | tuh-VOS-00 MAHT!
$| macı RE a 1 cah-ROOM-bab!
a JAPANESE Te Ort AH-ray MAAAH!
| German Sack Zement a sable tah MENT!
SPANISH Carajo! gah-RAH-ho!
Eg] um Deve fare un importante amando: Sono
E CHINESE 334 Für ABN wie, Mao Er ules
= PORTUGUESE | Eu terhoum anındamento 3 fazer Ev 18 de sao hal era
BE! russian YCTAA A CAYIIATE co-STAHL yah SLOO-hAUHT.
€ | FRENCH ai o dédhrsion fre eme fin cher, nl FAR in fy at
22 JAPANESE AM Det Set. PRS À mee NAH CHOH-toh CHOH-th, thoo-mah-RAH mn.
Zo| semi hab ne Poking zumachen Hi st lange) SMA create
SPANISH Tengo un anuncio: Estoy podrido. “TENG oh com abr NOON-seerchs es- TOS pobrDREE-doh.
q ITALIAN Levati dalle pal. lay-VAH-tee DAH-lay PAHHIy
£ CHINESE MA. GWEN KIGH.
3 | PORTUGUESE Sai da frente, cara. 5 S1GH-ee dah FREN-chee, KAH-rah.
$ RUSSIAN OTBAAK uht-vah-LEE.
2 FRENCH Dégage. mec! day-GAHJ. mehk.
< JAPANESE DN 111 7%. ah-CHEE-ay EE-KEE-NAH.
E GERMAN Hav ab. how AHP.
3 SPANISH Salite del medio. loco! FAR
Fezzes we haute
“coute ie open rater een me
a vite
creo
Ihave an announcement to make: No fun
The an amnauncement to make: My bag à fi.
Tred listening.
have a decaration to mala: moka myself damp.
Everybody a te. a He À tefl
ha an amouncment make I bored.
1 have an announcement to make: Tin rotting.
Go off my testicles.
Roll away.
Get out of my front. dude.
Roll away.
Get lost, man!
Go away.
Get st.
Get out of the middle, crazy person!
BROUGHT TO YOU BY THAT SUAVE, SOPHISTICATED GLOBI
TINENTAL TROUBLEMAKER
HIMSELF, BARTHOLOMEW J.
‘Damn to the misery!
Meet ghost!
Ay caramba!
Jour mama!
Ay caramba!
Serious!
Sack of cement!
ice!
Done NET AO sac | Thave an announcement fo make: Jm bored.
ITALIAN “NAH jh lah MEE say EE
a CHINESE LE! CHEE-EHN GWAY!
¿ PORTUGUESE A caramba! a lee cah-RAHM-bah!
RUSSIAN TBOW MATE | tuh-VOS-00 MAHT!
$| macı RE a 1 cah-ROOM-bab!
a JAPANESE Te Ort AH-ray MAAAH!
| German Sack Zement a sable tah MENT!
SPANISH Carajo! gah-RAH-ho!
Eg] um Deve fare un importante amando: Sono
E CHINESE 334 Für ABN wie, Mao Er ules
= PORTUGUESE | Eu terhoum anındamento 3 fazer Ev 18 de sao hal era
BE! russian YCTAA A CAYIIATE co-STAHL yah SLOO-hAUHT.
€ | FRENCH ai o dédhrsion fre eme fin cher, nl FAR in fy at
22 JAPANESE AM Det Set. PRS À mee NAH CHOH-toh CHOH-th, thoo-mah-RAH mn.
Zo| semi hab ne Poking zumachen Hi st lange) SMA create
SPANISH Tengo un anuncio: Estoy podrido. “TENG oh com abr NOON-seerchs es- TOS pobrDREE-doh.
q ITALIAN Levati dalle pal. lay-VAH-tee DAH-lay PAHHIy
£ CHINESE MA. GWEN KIGH.
3 | PORTUGUESE Sai da frente, cara. 5 S1GH-ee dah FREN-chee, KAH-rah.
$ RUSSIAN OTBAAK uht-vah-LEE.
2 FRENCH Dégage. mec! day-GAHJ. mehk.
< JAPANESE DN 111 7%. ah-CHEE-ay EE-KEE-NAH.
E GERMAN Hav ab. how AHP.
3 SPANISH Salite del medio. loco! FAR
Fezzes we haute
“coute ie open rater een me
a vite
creo
Ihave an announcement to make: No fun
The an amnauncement to make: My bag à fi.
Tred listening.
have a decaration to mala: moka myself damp.
Everybody a te. a He À tefl
ha an amouncment make I bored.
1 have an announcement to make: Tin rotting.
Go off my testicles.
Roll away.
Get out of my front. dude.
Roll away.
Get lost, man!
Go away.
Get st.
Get out of the middle, crazy person!
le
THE TINKLER
(leo known as Pee Dog.
Stare 2000, ®
and The Wiz) -
PROS: es
‘Always happy
To see
CONS: Pees when happy.
DROOLY
LAZY-BOY
(also known as The :
teed cada len do
Sack-O-Bones) he
PROS: Roques teten.
ENS. Cal a dd aan
before ou rela th
106
DOG YEARS
Every year of our Ives
Segal to boit
Here S some
RUTUS MAXIMUS comparative
Ed
BROS: Cani gow namas obrado, = ales
CONS: ne you vith your enemies. stance from
RARE earth to the nearest
THE YAPPER star (H light-years)
228 dag ight yes
ata
me
Time it takes on
average to bathe
jour dog (26
witha) shoes
OL” SMELLER and 2 minutes
Length of time it
takes to get through
pa sur
Bt dog years
me
Durration of a de
aay ln ©
Chow) =
42 dog hours
ita
me
WONDER-PUP Age of the universe
a Bde Mites (60.000.000.000 year)
end. and Sweetie)
Mont Best Fe = 420,000,000,000
08 Da o om deg years
ONS, Cold ange aj min ie
ore of the 8 other types of doggies. 7
(leo known as Pee Dog.
Stare 2000, ®
and The Wiz) -
PROS: es
‘Always happy
To see
CONS: Pees when happy.
DROOLY
LAZY-BOY
(also known as The :
teed cada len do
Sack-O-Bones) he
PROS: Roques teten.
ENS. Cal a dd aan
before ou rela th
106
DOG YEARS
Every year of our Ives
Segal to boit
Here S some
RUTUS MAXIMUS comparative
Ed
BROS: Cani gow namas obrado, = ales
CONS: ne you vith your enemies. stance from
RARE earth to the nearest
THE YAPPER star (H light-years)
228 dag ight yes
ata
me
Time it takes on
average to bathe
jour dog (26
witha) shoes
OL” SMELLER and 2 minutes
Length of time it
takes to get through
pa sur
Bt dog years
me
Durration of a de
aay ln ©
Chow) =
42 dog hours
ita
me
WONDER-PUP Age of the universe
a Bde Mites (60.000.000.000 year)
end. and Sweetie)
Mont Best Fe = 420,000,000,000
08 Da o om deg years
ONS, Cold ange aj min ie
ore of the 8 other types of doggies. 7
Large, extra-sensitive
ars that con hear a pin
250 miles aay,
or your sister whispering
an the Telephone in =
the next room
Brain large enough to
understand everything you say
Friend)
of its original
size for easy
transportation
Flea repellent skin
Waterproof fur
Chameleontke ability
o blend in with
lings
Powerful haunches for
Razor-sh
Fly retractable dit” 109
ars that con hear a pin
250 miles aay,
or your sister whispering
an the Telephone in =
the next room
Brain large enough to
understand everything you say
Friend)
of its original
size for easy
transportation
Flea repellent skin
Waterproof fur
Chameleontke ability
o blend in with
lings
Powerful haunches for
Razor-sh
Fly retractable dit” 109
Husk of Hares Kindle of Kittens Knot of Toads Leap of Leopards Litter of Pigs
Crash of Rhinoceri Drift of Swine Gam of Whales Gang of Elks Grist E
2
A
5
É
=
E nya ns th ‘THE SILVERFISH El
=
THE SILKWORM neither made E
is neither silk, ver, nor is it a A
A norisita g
3 worm. It is a 3
E caterpillar, a
3 E
2
i THE HAMSTER pili gh i
is neither a ham, nor
3 do you stir it. It is a THE CONGO SNAKE E
furry rodent, related is neith E
3 to the guinea pig. found in tl E
E sellike amphib a &
3 \ er found in the swamps of the E
THE JACKALOPE à Southern United Stat: Ao
3 is neither named e THE TITMOUSE ‘s £
i Jack, nor does it 2 is neither DL
lope. It is a bunny a fl
3 h 1 ie vn 190,
= with antlers. 00.096, é 7
# >
3 E
Pi THE HEDGEHOG is neither 7 £
3 a hedge, nor is it a ho y THE Ice eel a £
3 It is a small, insect-eating Mn Inte 4
E mammal found in Europe. a ESS > z
14 2
3 % THE GUINEA PIG =
3 fl is neither a pig, nor a
3 is it from Guinea. It
d is a person who submits g
E to experiments for money. =
3 Y | E
È E
3 "oxo jo 240, Sronoja JO Zum SopeSupu sin jo UREN SPA jo Auayon =. AL 83809 JO OqUL SON Jo ueds Saeag Jo ınnaıs 59xO jo HITS, Je upxs
Crash of Rhinoceri Drift of Swine Gam of Whales Gang of Elks Grist E
2
A
5
É
=
E nya ns th ‘THE SILVERFISH El
=
THE SILKWORM neither made E
is neither silk, ver, nor is it a A
A norisita g
3 worm. It is a 3
E caterpillar, a
3 E
2
i THE HAMSTER pili gh i
is neither a ham, nor
3 do you stir it. It is a THE CONGO SNAKE E
furry rodent, related is neith E
3 to the guinea pig. found in tl E
E sellike amphib a &
3 \ er found in the swamps of the E
THE JACKALOPE à Southern United Stat: Ao
3 is neither named e THE TITMOUSE ‘s £
i Jack, nor does it 2 is neither DL
lope. It is a bunny a fl
3 h 1 ie vn 190,
= with antlers. 00.096, é 7
# >
3 E
Pi THE HEDGEHOG is neither 7 £
3 a hedge, nor is it a ho y THE Ice eel a £
3 It is a small, insect-eating Mn Inte 4
E mammal found in Europe. a ESS > z
14 2
3 % THE GUINEA PIG =
3 fl is neither a pig, nor a
3 is it from Guinea. It
d is a person who submits g
E to experiments for money. =
3 Y | E
È E
3 "oxo jo 240, Sronoja JO Zum SopeSupu sin jo UREN SPA jo Auayon =. AL 83809 JO OqUL SON Jo ueds Saeag Jo ınnaıs 59xO jo HITS, Je upxs
LISA AND MARTIN,
Losa SITTIN IN A TREE,
of All
1 MY EARS GET
SWEATY (WHEN YOU
PASS MY WAY) | SEE PARIS, I SEE FRANG
see €
~ Frenchy McPhee Ga oe ct nee ar)
UNDERPANTS!
2 YD EAT A BARREL
OF LIVER "WN ONIONS
FOR YOUR LOVE
= Ding & the Dongs
3 POOPSIE! POOPSIE!
POOPSIE!
= Guy Trembell and his
Polka Rangers
4 SLICE MY HEART
INTO A HUNDRED
VE Cherished
ementos
~ Lurleen Lampkin (The lovesick grade-schoolers' most
‘rized possessions)
5 WUV ME OR WEAVE ME
ira ‘The bruise on my
arm from where she
ai punched me.
6 Ha ME ONFOR THIGHS The lock of hair 1
= Karsem and Jenny yanked out of her head.
7 1 THINK YOU NEED tee
la
AMASSAGE The death threat she
sent me.
8 IF YOU EVER LEAVE The Disk eve ane
ME I WILL HUNT SOU
> The permanent scar she
DOWN AND KILL YOU gave me, which 1 will
= Rash cherish for the rest of
a my life.
How to tell if someone likes you!
They:
Chase you around the schoolyard.
Giggle annoyingly every time you
see them.
Make fun of you.
Ignore you.
Call your house and hang up when
you answer the phone.
Insult you.
What to do:
Don't panic. Remain calm. The less you
react, the more agitated they become.
So stay cool!
Losa SITTIN IN A TREE,
of All
1 MY EARS GET
SWEATY (WHEN YOU
PASS MY WAY) | SEE PARIS, I SEE FRANG
see €
~ Frenchy McPhee Ga oe ct nee ar)
UNDERPANTS!
2 YD EAT A BARREL
OF LIVER "WN ONIONS
FOR YOUR LOVE
= Ding & the Dongs
3 POOPSIE! POOPSIE!
POOPSIE!
= Guy Trembell and his
Polka Rangers
4 SLICE MY HEART
INTO A HUNDRED
VE Cherished
ementos
~ Lurleen Lampkin (The lovesick grade-schoolers' most
‘rized possessions)
5 WUV ME OR WEAVE ME
ira ‘The bruise on my
arm from where she
ai punched me.
6 Ha ME ONFOR THIGHS The lock of hair 1
= Karsem and Jenny yanked out of her head.
7 1 THINK YOU NEED tee
la
AMASSAGE The death threat she
sent me.
8 IF YOU EVER LEAVE The Disk eve ane
ME I WILL HUNT SOU
> The permanent scar she
DOWN AND KILL YOU gave me, which 1 will
= Rash cherish for the rest of
a my life.
How to tell if someone likes you!
They:
Chase you around the schoolyard.
Giggle annoyingly every time you
see them.
Make fun of you.
Ignore you.
Call your house and hang up when
you answer the phone.
Insult you.
What to do:
Don't panic. Remain calm. The less you
react, the more agitated they become.
So stay cool!
BART AND LISA’S TOP 1
1. They smell lke fruity
chewing gum.
2. They never
wanna play rough.
ii
)
your-back
rudeness.
4. Their brainless giggling.
5. They sling mud about
each ol
©. They act so
smart bet to
get atfention.
10
7. They say things har
upon impact.
8. They
never stop
combi
ther Re.
9. They are soooo cruel
10. We have nothing in
common with one another.
| 6. They act
real dumb
just to get
attention.
7. They throw
to see ht effect it has
pRECONCEIVED NOTIONS ABOUT
1. They reek of ¿ ? §
corn nots and sweat. 44 &)
2. They abays ® (GS
wanna play rou;
peu ore
ney
4. Their idiotic guf fawing.
5. They hurl dirt clods
at each other.
Things just to see what
escrit has upon impact.
9. They are 50000 mean.
10. We have nothing in
common with one another.
1. They smell lke fruity
chewing gum.
2. They never
wanna play rough.
ii
)
your-back
rudeness.
4. Their brainless giggling.
5. They sling mud about
each ol
©. They act so
smart bet to
get atfention.
10
7. They say things har
upon impact.
8. They
never stop
combi
ther Re.
9. They are soooo cruel
10. We have nothing in
common with one another.
| 6. They act
real dumb
just to get
attention.
7. They throw
to see ht effect it has
pRECONCEIVED NOTIONS ABOUT
1. They reek of ¿ ? §
corn nots and sweat. 44 &)
2. They abays ® (GS
wanna play rou;
peu ore
ney
4. Their idiotic guf fawing.
5. They hurl dirt clods
at each other.
Things just to see what
escrit has upon impact.
9. They are 50000 mean.
10. We have nothing in
common with one another.
ae digs cute little babies, right? But
from whence do these bite-size bundles
of squealing humanoid flesh originate? Our
man-on-the-street. Bartholomew J.
(for “jestation”) Simpson. put the question
to some of Springfield’ finest. Here ==
are the answers we got.
MARGE SIMPSON RALPH WIGGUM KRUSTY THE CLOWN
Una tl your father “My parents eid they De tothe vokmnous
gets home and hel espa pez] me theaigh amb: il ana of mal that Katy
te you pti N) Be
ec Wa
JANEY POWELL TODD FLANDERS
“think the mikman "Im not ae exactly buf SIDESHOWMEL
brings them." | ansmer/Honking
HoureN
= NELSON MUNTZ
Nowe BGs Eatin | “From the looks of you Td
de” HE | p say the 200, Haw ha
JASPER
LEWIS J
“Ses lp and order ne | "Sebel Dagrabit yoo
tice a pezon i
a center ll
dalvery. But if
lve late the Babe
iby GRAMPA SIMPSON
EDNA KRABAPPEL “Rabe Heep th
ges Sand get Federer
Ble sacras. LISA SIMPSON inro time"
The best years of my lif 5 is you were
down the Yet and row ras of à bageneti
that Bilbo from the
HOMER SIMPSON .
“Go ask your mother.
9
L There, are
ed 7
from whence do these bite-size bundles
of squealing humanoid flesh originate? Our
man-on-the-street. Bartholomew J.
(for “jestation”) Simpson. put the question
to some of Springfield’ finest. Here ==
are the answers we got.
MARGE SIMPSON RALPH WIGGUM KRUSTY THE CLOWN
Una tl your father “My parents eid they De tothe vokmnous
gets home and hel espa pez] me theaigh amb: il ana of mal that Katy
te you pti N) Be
ec Wa
JANEY POWELL TODD FLANDERS
“think the mikman "Im not ae exactly buf SIDESHOWMEL
brings them." | ansmer/Honking
HoureN
= NELSON MUNTZ
Nowe BGs Eatin | “From the looks of you Td
de” HE | p say the 200, Haw ha
JASPER
LEWIS J
“Ses lp and order ne | "Sebel Dagrabit yoo
tice a pezon i
a center ll
dalvery. But if
lve late the Babe
iby GRAMPA SIMPSON
EDNA KRABAPPEL “Rabe Heep th
ges Sand get Federer
Ble sacras. LISA SIMPSON inro time"
The best years of my lif 5 is you were
down the Yet and row ras of à bageneti
that Bilbo from the
HOMER SIMPSON .
“Go ask your mother.
9
L There, are
ed 7
Psychology
WHAT THE HATS WHAT THE HANDS
ARE SAYING: ARE SAYING:
HAIR NET ACTION MEANING
‘hat mat be etn) Fingers drumming | Your actions are
a al cos. cesse ee,
THE BODY POSTURES AND. irate me jt a
HOW TO TELL IF a SHOWER CAP Rens Br
SOMEONE IS LYING WHAT THEY TELL YOU: ee
TO YO! en, controling my mind.
(arms folded over chest), A Lin ocd massaging | Lam eon thet
== You can't make me. 4) JESTERS HAT, Re ‘the temples. Ser sett
= vas jut Keldng when à
1) The person avoids MR. BOSSY re called you Od Yeller. ee
holding : your gaze. (hands on hips. arms akimbo) >
“gaze == Do as 1 say and you vl
a all cost. be priched les E than
the others.
BERET Hands pressed | Ibeg of you
==1 handrroll my cigarettes. | together as Sop tat Packet
THE EXTROVERT 3
te Me att or I
bh has take
(on tiptoes. arms extended) Ni fur action.
e wae ID Lupe
ne À = Pour me another NI
2) The person fidgets with his or
her clothing.
5 3) Beads of
ele a TH show you my Hands made ito | Iam Feelng very
sweat break out 3
gh the persons ca ESE \ Famous moonwalk fate nee now
forehead indecipherable bndle of
do corno \ JE
re He = Tm a rugged individuals.
4) Stink lines THE BULLY (chest N Dit Ike everyone else 1 sense my blood
ar Hhrat forward arm N progre rong
above the
=
holding lao. chblke object)
== re dead mest car.
CHEFS HAT
i: J Drag. 1 burned the
THE UNDERACHIEVER corndogs again.
Gene pasion ys com) inane
15) When yow look next to 77 Shhh Tn napping. behavior and feel
1 must take
the perso head, there a
france betwen har
These nung sd her
hough
Corrective action.
Stil conf sed? Learn what Kf rely mean by toning to page 20.
re
= E
THE GENIUS x SOMBRERO,
(prone position. eyes closed in deep thought)! ae di
rene postion, eye y thong Wess
== Shhhl Im concentrating, , = ‚go?
YOUR PARENTS’ EXPRESSIONS ANGRY: IRATE INCENSED FURIOUS MADDENED VEXED INDIGNANT HUNGRY
REVEAL THEIR MANY MOODS
“= guide to facial sbteties
and what they can tell you about
Those multifaceted folks
we call Mom and Dad.
ARE SAYING: ARE SAYING:
HAIR NET ACTION MEANING
‘hat mat be etn) Fingers drumming | Your actions are
a al cos. cesse ee,
THE BODY POSTURES AND. irate me jt a
HOW TO TELL IF a SHOWER CAP Rens Br
SOMEONE IS LYING WHAT THEY TELL YOU: ee
TO YO! en, controling my mind.
(arms folded over chest), A Lin ocd massaging | Lam eon thet
== You can't make me. 4) JESTERS HAT, Re ‘the temples. Ser sett
= vas jut Keldng when à
1) The person avoids MR. BOSSY re called you Od Yeller. ee
holding : your gaze. (hands on hips. arms akimbo) >
“gaze == Do as 1 say and you vl
a all cost. be priched les E than
the others.
BERET Hands pressed | Ibeg of you
==1 handrroll my cigarettes. | together as Sop tat Packet
THE EXTROVERT 3
te Me att or I
bh has take
(on tiptoes. arms extended) Ni fur action.
e wae ID Lupe
ne À = Pour me another NI
2) The person fidgets with his or
her clothing.
5 3) Beads of
ele a TH show you my Hands made ito | Iam Feelng very
sweat break out 3
gh the persons ca ESE \ Famous moonwalk fate nee now
forehead indecipherable bndle of
do corno \ JE
re He = Tm a rugged individuals.
4) Stink lines THE BULLY (chest N Dit Ike everyone else 1 sense my blood
ar Hhrat forward arm N progre rong
above the
=
holding lao. chblke object)
== re dead mest car.
CHEFS HAT
i: J Drag. 1 burned the
THE UNDERACHIEVER corndogs again.
Gene pasion ys com) inane
15) When yow look next to 77 Shhh Tn napping. behavior and feel
1 must take
the perso head, there a
france betwen har
These nung sd her
hough
Corrective action.
Stil conf sed? Learn what Kf rely mean by toning to page 20.
re
= E
THE GENIUS x SOMBRERO,
(prone position. eyes closed in deep thought)! ae di
rene postion, eye y thong Wess
== Shhhl Im concentrating, , = ‚go?
YOUR PARENTS’ EXPRESSIONS ANGRY: IRATE INCENSED FURIOUS MADDENED VEXED INDIGNANT HUNGRY
REVEAL THEIR MANY MOODS
“= guide to facial sbteties
and what they can tell you about
Those multifaceted folks
we call Mom and Dad.
Megalophobia x Septophobia
Fear of large Things _ \ = fear of decaying matter
+ Soceraphobia
Movies = Fear of parente-in-law
r of bees
Cherophobia
noise fear of gaiety
Acousticaphobia
= Fear of Metrophobia
~ fear of poetry
Amathophobia Ecophobia
DA PAU Sry Nebulaphobia
{eer = fear of fog
Soha
Hedonophobia Papaphobia = fear of learning
fear of pleasure > is cl E Stosibaihobi
igang aghabla = fear of standing
Amanophobia de MH Philophobia Stugiophobis
= fear of riding in a car responsibilit: - fear of E FH Il
tia falling in love ‘eer oF Me
Kinesophobia Tapinophobia
~ fear of movement Placeophobia =~ Toor of mal things
= fear of
Laliophobia tombstones Technophobis
~ fear of speaking ws ~ fear of arts and crafts
Anuptaphobia by Lilapsophobia — Triskadekaphobia
= Fear of remaining single = fear of tornadoes = fear of the number
Pogonophobia thirteen S
Autophobia > ~ fear of beards Usb ~ 7
= fear of oneself J-anophobia
ies Polotcoshalis ~ fear of Heaven
lennophobia Linenophobia = fear of politicians abbé (03
= fear of slime — fear of string Men
Bolshephobia Macrophobia Pteronophobia
~ fear of Bolshevism ~ fear of long walls = fear of
being Xylophobia
Cathisophobia Tickled by — Fear of wooden things
= Fear of sitting feathers
Pantophobia
Chaetophobia Rhytphobia = fear of everything
= Fear of hair - fear o
getting Phobophobia |
24 wrinkles = fear of fear itself es
Fear of large Things _ \ = fear of decaying matter
+ Soceraphobia
Movies = Fear of parente-in-law
r of bees
Cherophobia
noise fear of gaiety
Acousticaphobia
= Fear of Metrophobia
~ fear of poetry
Amathophobia Ecophobia
DA PAU Sry Nebulaphobia
{eer = fear of fog
Soha
Hedonophobia Papaphobia = fear of learning
fear of pleasure > is cl E Stosibaihobi
igang aghabla = fear of standing
Amanophobia de MH Philophobia Stugiophobis
= fear of riding in a car responsibilit: - fear of E FH Il
tia falling in love ‘eer oF Me
Kinesophobia Tapinophobia
~ fear of movement Placeophobia =~ Toor of mal things
= fear of
Laliophobia tombstones Technophobis
~ fear of speaking ws ~ fear of arts and crafts
Anuptaphobia by Lilapsophobia — Triskadekaphobia
= Fear of remaining single = fear of tornadoes = fear of the number
Pogonophobia thirteen S
Autophobia > ~ fear of beards Usb ~ 7
= fear of oneself J-anophobia
ies Polotcoshalis ~ fear of Heaven
lennophobia Linenophobia = fear of politicians abbé (03
= fear of slime — fear of string Men
Bolshephobia Macrophobia Pteronophobia
~ fear of Bolshevism ~ fear of long walls = fear of
being Xylophobia
Cathisophobia Tickled by — Fear of wooden things
= Fear of sitting feathers
Pantophobia
Chaetophobia Rhytphobia = fear of everything
= Fear of hair - fear o
getting Phobophobia |
24 wrinkles = fear of fear itself es
Putting Qu
Pay attention, now. Fear can be
put to good use. man. You
can get out of doing just about
4 oo
1. Rapid pulse rate 2. Sweating palme
3. Rapid breathing 4, Raised blood pressure
anything by using the $ 5. Increased muscle tension 6. Wet parts
following clinically Ber A
technique, courfes: ES Now you try. Match up some of the words below
Dr. Bartholomew J. in El and see what They can do for you.
wot 3 Greek ~ Englsh
art CNE A CPS ghxo - sweet hono = voice,
eae Pet ne Kleste-ar ‘gymn ~ naked E
Pres 5 Manemo - wind hagio - holy ploss - tongue
Just string some Greek root-words together athlet ~ contest hepar = liver presby = old
and stick “phobia” at the end. Tired of eating a bio - book herp ~ to creep psycho ~ spirit,
organ meats for dinner? No problem . . SM esco - bad hygro = wet mind
pts, 4 chacto - hair here . = rhino = er
” a a EM cholero - anger ara - he: sauro - lizar
4 + PHAGOHEPAROPHOBIAL een rk en
4 Ea NO LIVER FOR ME EVER AGAIN. IE copro - dung lat - worship script ~ to write
4 5 BB derma ~ skin lep = scaly skelet - dry. hard
CT oe SM didacto ~ to teach lipo - fat sphaira - ball
Os ER dus - badly. il myco ~ fungus tacho ~ quick
ID REALLY LOVE TO Kise EB eco - house odonto-tooth taph- burial
ar YOU, AUNT SELMA, BUT BUE emet - to vomit cion = egg ‘tempo — time
SA VVE GOT EN ergo - work orst-tospeak thana- death
U SM eroto - sexual love, oxy - sharp topo ~ place
Ÿ AE or the best one of all $ desire pater - father tribo ~ to rub
y GOSH, MISS KRABAPPELS 3 galacto - milk phago ~ to eat uro - urine
oy IF IT WASN'T FOR MY igastero — stomach philo ~ to love xeno ~ guest,
PD HAVE
stranger
ALL My REPORTS IN ON TIME! e
rorchill hag,
apo pa 3 plop pa of Buy jo eg sy pg jo 20 +
we,
"aeg 284 Jo 288) — epydagpeypeseyde “yay of Burn jo 23 ego
Pay attention, now. Fear can be
put to good use. man. You
can get out of doing just about
4 oo
1. Rapid pulse rate 2. Sweating palme
3. Rapid breathing 4, Raised blood pressure
anything by using the $ 5. Increased muscle tension 6. Wet parts
following clinically Ber A
technique, courfes: ES Now you try. Match up some of the words below
Dr. Bartholomew J. in El and see what They can do for you.
wot 3 Greek ~ Englsh
art CNE A CPS ghxo - sweet hono = voice,
eae Pet ne Kleste-ar ‘gymn ~ naked E
Pres 5 Manemo - wind hagio - holy ploss - tongue
Just string some Greek root-words together athlet ~ contest hepar = liver presby = old
and stick “phobia” at the end. Tired of eating a bio - book herp ~ to creep psycho ~ spirit,
organ meats for dinner? No problem . . SM esco - bad hygro = wet mind
pts, 4 chacto - hair here . = rhino = er
” a a EM cholero - anger ara - he: sauro - lizar
4 + PHAGOHEPAROPHOBIAL een rk en
4 Ea NO LIVER FOR ME EVER AGAIN. IE copro - dung lat - worship script ~ to write
4 5 BB derma ~ skin lep = scaly skelet - dry. hard
CT oe SM didacto ~ to teach lipo - fat sphaira - ball
Os ER dus - badly. il myco ~ fungus tacho ~ quick
ID REALLY LOVE TO Kise EB eco - house odonto-tooth taph- burial
ar YOU, AUNT SELMA, BUT BUE emet - to vomit cion = egg ‘tempo — time
SA VVE GOT EN ergo - work orst-tospeak thana- death
U SM eroto - sexual love, oxy - sharp topo ~ place
Ÿ AE or the best one of all $ desire pater - father tribo ~ to rub
y GOSH, MISS KRABAPPELS 3 galacto - milk phago ~ to eat uro - urine
oy IF IT WASN'T FOR MY igastero — stomach philo ~ to love xeno ~ guest,
PD HAVE
stranger
ALL My REPORTS IN ON TIME! e
rorchill hag,
apo pa 3 plop pa of Buy jo eg sy pg jo 20 +
we,
"aeg 284 Jo 288) — epydagpeypeseyde “yay of Burn jo 23 ego
A
Saal)
YN
19 SAR:
GPO?
E i
Saal)
YN
19 SAR:
GPO?
E i
THE
“SHI
CHINLARINS,
Tried-and-Kinda- True
responses to Gat l
you ouf of any, 5 1
su |
>
Trey des want TO
DISEASE”
2 y =
Te gt CHIGOWER
di
us E We are all chi
FREE Ay» acia à
Pardoner ==> h peace
ponia Beaks
€
«RAS
RETA
TAS am
“SHI
CHINLARINS,
Tried-and-Kinda- True
responses to Gat l
you ouf of any, 5 1
su |
>
Trey des want TO
DISEASE”
2 y =
Te gt CHIGOWER
di
us E We are all chi
FREE Ay» acia à
Pardoner ==> h peace
ponia Beaks
€
«RAS
RETA
TAS am
EXHAUSTED BY THE OLD 9 TO 5 GRIND? TIRED OF GA)
LOSER? EMBEZZLEMENT TOO RISKY? BANK ROBBERY
LIONEL HUTZ'S
€
MADE THOUSANDS
THANKS TO LIONEL
HUTZ’S MALPRACTICE,
TRAINING!
IF HE DID IT FOR ME,
HE CAN DO IT FOR YOU
HOW TO
+ SCREAM in pain!
© WRITHE in agony!
> MOAN with discomfort!
> WEEP pathetically!
+ LIE convincingly!
They'll memorize
your dossier and
give you all the f
credibility you
need!
Dr. Nick Ri
WORKING WITH PROPS
= How to apply a neckbrace!
> Wheelchairs: basic steering techniques
> Head bandages: Maximum results--minimum fuss
+ Crutches: not just a crutch anymore!
ea OUR GUARANTEE: WHETHER YOU WIN OR LOSE, WE GUARANTEE
WEEK AFTER WEEK ON LOTTERIES AND COMING UP A
DANGEROUS? BLACKMAIL TOO UNSAVORY? THEN CALL
sg *
FORTUNE N ¿Sour
"MISFORTUNE"!
Qu semis often feature real 3%
cstrirom lt stings! Practice 7,
telling your story o an actor who
looks JUST LIKE A REAL JUDGE!
Consult with me-Lionel Hote-in à
son that oaks eal LIKE A
REAL ATTORNEY'S OFFICE!
Yes!
we Offer
ADVANCED COURSES
+ How to slip and fall on cue
= How to back up really fast on a freeway
+ The art of the limp
+ How to fake your own death
K Li 5-S are SUE! by.
(THE EXTRA “E 5 FOR OUR EX Ss FE
> 2 KE We speak Urdu, Zande, Tho, Tulu, Dogri, Edo, Tongan, Min,
Sango, Kongo, Dong, Fon, Nung, Hindi, Ho, Gago, Fula, Fang-bulu,
Farsi, Byelorussian, Bemba, Uzbek, Wu, Yi, Yao, Tatar, Esperanto,
Luba-ulua, Oppish, Punjabi, Tagalag, Quechua, Swahili, and Hmong!
NOT ENDORSED BY THE
FREE esis moi fun colin! AMERICAN BAR ASSOCIATION
HAT SOMEONE WILL PAY THROUGH THE NOSE FOR OUR SERVICES! 5
LOSER? EMBEZZLEMENT TOO RISKY? BANK ROBBERY
LIONEL HUTZ'S
€
MADE THOUSANDS
THANKS TO LIONEL
HUTZ’S MALPRACTICE,
TRAINING!
IF HE DID IT FOR ME,
HE CAN DO IT FOR YOU
HOW TO
+ SCREAM in pain!
© WRITHE in agony!
> MOAN with discomfort!
> WEEP pathetically!
+ LIE convincingly!
They'll memorize
your dossier and
give you all the f
credibility you
need!
Dr. Nick Ri
WORKING WITH PROPS
= How to apply a neckbrace!
> Wheelchairs: basic steering techniques
> Head bandages: Maximum results--minimum fuss
+ Crutches: not just a crutch anymore!
ea OUR GUARANTEE: WHETHER YOU WIN OR LOSE, WE GUARANTEE
WEEK AFTER WEEK ON LOTTERIES AND COMING UP A
DANGEROUS? BLACKMAIL TOO UNSAVORY? THEN CALL
sg *
FORTUNE N ¿Sour
"MISFORTUNE"!
Qu semis often feature real 3%
cstrirom lt stings! Practice 7,
telling your story o an actor who
looks JUST LIKE A REAL JUDGE!
Consult with me-Lionel Hote-in à
son that oaks eal LIKE A
REAL ATTORNEY'S OFFICE!
Yes!
we Offer
ADVANCED COURSES
+ How to slip and fall on cue
= How to back up really fast on a freeway
+ The art of the limp
+ How to fake your own death
K Li 5-S are SUE! by.
(THE EXTRA “E 5 FOR OUR EX Ss FE
> 2 KE We speak Urdu, Zande, Tho, Tulu, Dogri, Edo, Tongan, Min,
Sango, Kongo, Dong, Fon, Nung, Hindi, Ho, Gago, Fula, Fang-bulu,
Farsi, Byelorussian, Bemba, Uzbek, Wu, Yi, Yao, Tatar, Esperanto,
Luba-ulua, Oppish, Punjabi, Tagalag, Quechua, Swahili, and Hmong!
NOT ENDORSED BY THE
FREE esis moi fun colin! AMERICAN BAR ASSOCIATION
HAT SOMEONE WILL PAY THROUGH THE NOSE FOR OUR SERVICES! 5
GARFIELD COUNTY, MT
‘You are not allowed to
A Pim
In à fay fr
a wife to
Er
MATERLOO. NE
bg may ot
cat ice irn
the hours of 7 am
wd Te
YUKON, OK
Patient are not allowed
‘to pal their denia teeth
NORMAL, OK ==
Iti
> 105
face at a
Tien to page 82 to renal the sacra meaning of He
‘You are not allowed to
A Pim
In à fay fr
a wife to
Er
MATERLOO. NE
bg may ot
cat ice irn
the hours of 7 am
wd Te
YUKON, OK
Patient are not allowed
‘to pal their denia teeth
NORMAL, OK ==
Iti
> 105
face at a
Tien to page 82 to renal the sacra meaning of He
Xmas
Cire, IS SAN A REAL? PES
FA CASE À A SEL A CASE
FOR AGAINST
We see him on TV. HELLO AGAIN, We see him riding shavers.
Milions of peopl MY GULLIBLE People will
cant be wrong FRIENDS. — W believe anything.
THIS HERE IS
Catchy Christmas ji er Cie How come you get presents
THe fet OF even when youre bad?
DEBATE THE
TIMEWORN
QUESTION: IS
SANTA CLAUS FOR
REAL OR JUST A
FIGMENT OF THE |
DERANGED |
IMAGINATIONS OF @
ADVERTISERS AND Y OF COURSE,
TV PRODUCERS? IF YOU DECIDE
YOU BE THE JUDGE, THAT THIS SANTA
Why does Santa give rich
Presents under the tree. | THING IS ONE BIG pele mors Tove than
fe ‘ HOAX, AND THEN poor people?
mas specials, ALL YOU GET FOR Xmas commercials.
Milk & cookies CHRISTMAS NEXT Kisses under
‚gone in morning.
| YEAR IS A LUMP OF
SG DON’T COME
the mistletoe.
Hes the embodiment
of crass consumerism.
Who the hell would choose
to live at the North Pole?
He’ part of our rich
cultural tradition.
The North Pole is
included on most
CRYING TO ME!
official maps.
How does a stranger
Stranger things know your shoe size?
have happened.
2 Elves.
Ehes.
Grow up man.
Our parents wouldn't
lie To us.
FA CASE À A SEL A CASE
FOR AGAINST
We see him on TV. HELLO AGAIN, We see him riding shavers.
Milions of peopl MY GULLIBLE People will
cant be wrong FRIENDS. — W believe anything.
THIS HERE IS
Catchy Christmas ji er Cie How come you get presents
THe fet OF even when youre bad?
DEBATE THE
TIMEWORN
QUESTION: IS
SANTA CLAUS FOR
REAL OR JUST A
FIGMENT OF THE |
DERANGED |
IMAGINATIONS OF @
ADVERTISERS AND Y OF COURSE,
TV PRODUCERS? IF YOU DECIDE
YOU BE THE JUDGE, THAT THIS SANTA
Why does Santa give rich
Presents under the tree. | THING IS ONE BIG pele mors Tove than
fe ‘ HOAX, AND THEN poor people?
mas specials, ALL YOU GET FOR Xmas commercials.
Milk & cookies CHRISTMAS NEXT Kisses under
‚gone in morning.
| YEAR IS A LUMP OF
SG DON’T COME
the mistletoe.
Hes the embodiment
of crass consumerism.
Who the hell would choose
to live at the North Pole?
He’ part of our rich
cultural tradition.
The North Pole is
included on most
CRYING TO ME!
official maps.
How does a stranger
Stranger things know your shoe size?
have happened.
2 Elves.
Ehes.
Grow up man.
Our parents wouldn't
lie To us.
1 Santa belches from
beer and cockies
left by kids.
beer and cockies
left by kids.
On the Ist day On the Sith day of Xmas
of Xnas thi cool guy gore to me
This cool guy gave tome FIVE RUDE TATTOOS. fou
Krusty dolls, three skateboards. Two
monster Trucks and soma bongos with
pe
On the Znd day of Xma f
this cool guy gave To me
= L
TWO MONSTER TRUCKS
= 9
Conger
ei On the 6th day of Xmas
goatee this cool gia gore fo ma
SIX COSMIC DEATH RAYS.
FIVE RUDE TATTOOS. four Krusty doll
three skateboards. Two monster
Trucks and some bongos with a goatee.
On the Brel day of Xmas [Dye
thie cool guy gave to me =
THR TEBOARDS.
Two monster Trucks and some bongos 5
with a goatee. =
o > J On the 7H day of Xmas
this cool guy gave to me
pies oo se SEVEN BOOTLEG T-SHIRTS.
six comic death rays, FIVE RUDE
FOUR KRUSTY DOLLS. thres Pros. four Kraaty dalle. three
skateboards, two monster trucks and [ST OCS de
two monster
trucks
and
bongos
ci
goatee.
m
j
On the Bl day of Xmas
Js cool guy gave To me
IGHT JUMBO SQUISHEES.
on bootleg T-shirts, si cosmic
ath rays. FIVE RUDE TATTOOS. four
ty dell, three skateboards. two
On the DH day of Xmas
This cool y
IDE TATTOOS. four Krusty dolls, three
ateboards, Two monster Trucks and
Eme bongos with a goatee.
On the TOM day of Xmas
his cool e e
FEN COBRAS SPITTING. ne
Re line. sight 5
lauren bostlag T-shirt. te
Bowie death rays, AVE RIDE
100$. four Krosty dll, three
barda, Tro mete Truck und
Ei Donges ith à gah
On the TH day of Xmas
this cool
LURCHING. ten cobras spitting.
ht Jumbo
Teshirt. six
TATTOOS, four Krusty dolls, three
skateboards. two monster trucks and
some bongos with a goatee.
On the 1241 day of Xmas
this cool guy gave to me
TWELVE MILLION
DOLLARS. even zones ching
ten cobras spitting. nine Toads
s-lesping. eight Jumbo Squshees. seven
bootleg T-shirts. sx cosmic death r
FIVE RUDE TATTOOS, four Krusty dolls,
three skateboards. two monster trucks
and tome bongos with a goatee.
of Xnas thi cool guy gore to me
This cool guy gave tome FIVE RUDE TATTOOS. fou
Krusty dolls, three skateboards. Two
monster Trucks and soma bongos with
pe
On the Znd day of Xma f
this cool guy gave To me
= L
TWO MONSTER TRUCKS
= 9
Conger
ei On the 6th day of Xmas
goatee this cool gia gore fo ma
SIX COSMIC DEATH RAYS.
FIVE RUDE TATTOOS. four Krusty doll
three skateboards. Two monster
Trucks and some bongos with a goatee.
On the Brel day of Xmas [Dye
thie cool guy gave to me =
THR TEBOARDS.
Two monster Trucks and some bongos 5
with a goatee. =
o > J On the 7H day of Xmas
this cool guy gave to me
pies oo se SEVEN BOOTLEG T-SHIRTS.
six comic death rays, FIVE RUDE
FOUR KRUSTY DOLLS. thres Pros. four Kraaty dalle. three
skateboards, two monster trucks and [ST OCS de
two monster
trucks
and
bongos
ci
goatee.
m
j
On the Bl day of Xmas
Js cool guy gave To me
IGHT JUMBO SQUISHEES.
on bootleg T-shirts, si cosmic
ath rays. FIVE RUDE TATTOOS. four
ty dell, three skateboards. two
On the DH day of Xmas
This cool y
IDE TATTOOS. four Krusty dolls, three
ateboards, Two monster Trucks and
Eme bongos with a goatee.
On the TOM day of Xmas
his cool e e
FEN COBRAS SPITTING. ne
Re line. sight 5
lauren bostlag T-shirt. te
Bowie death rays, AVE RIDE
100$. four Krosty dll, three
barda, Tro mete Truck und
Ei Donges ith à gah
On the TH day of Xmas
this cool
LURCHING. ten cobras spitting.
ht Jumbo
Teshirt. six
TATTOOS, four Krusty dolls, three
skateboards. two monster trucks and
some bongos with a goatee.
On the 1241 day of Xmas
this cool guy gave to me
TWELVE MILLION
DOLLARS. even zones ching
ten cobras spitting. nine Toads
s-lesping. eight Jumbo Squshees. seven
bootleg T-shirts. sx cosmic death r
FIVE RUDE TATTOOS, four Krusty dolls,
three skateboards. two monster trucks
and tome bongos with a goatee.
DECORATE YOUR O CANNIBALS, FLAKEY THE LEPER
FATHER'S BELLY © CANNIBALS (Song to the Tune of
Gong o the tos of 15 the tae of “Frosty the Snowman”)
"Deck the Hale”) “O Gwvistnae Tree") \ f
© Cannibal O Carnal,
What wil you eat for Christmas?
O Combäle, ok.
What wil you eat for Christmas?
Dear Auntie stuffed wold be divine
= Bat then on what woud Auntie din?
bel © Cannibals. O Cornibal.
lolo What wil you est for Christmas?
ve sleeping tally. i
weber Tete © Connie. O Cannibals ag he Leper
smeared in patterns Festive, Santi ca naa, But dance 3 merry Jig
SÉRLILERR OCanbals O Combe eu ted vane
Makes a centerpiace suggestive, TE a ia la hai would come
labia er youd have a Kite wig.
Next crete agrio borbon. once care down io cur tov
Talalala bala ld. ng an ha sak
Dei sora tal aca pon hin.
MONTS
de ee
ot DA E
CHANT
And when his ear
Fellin some beer
a
Colored hai bay wresthing.
Abit ts ah Start o ough
Blend to al with hi breath
> où TU da WER Beer.
ala stor above it. << À aa 3 ola. hy sr
reste
lala lala la la lala. Have turned To smiles, We ned
the . en ee
O Carnal O Comba il
Sov ctect nal ma neo \ Wenn mann
om Fk carefree pranks
© Camitale O Cannibals, y rhone
poes ‘We ad mary ansuer Think
1 wish I'd never met Soc000000.
1 ee ta er gobs st me. Fale e
et perce ES ha prac
Lame ea
Tat [oo
He hes never yet bet fica
FATHER'S BELLY © CANNIBALS (Song to the Tune of
Gong o the tos of 15 the tae of “Frosty the Snowman”)
"Deck the Hale”) “O Gwvistnae Tree") \ f
© Cannibal O Carnal,
What wil you eat for Christmas?
O Combäle, ok.
What wil you eat for Christmas?
Dear Auntie stuffed wold be divine
= Bat then on what woud Auntie din?
bel © Cannibals. O Cornibal.
lolo What wil you est for Christmas?
ve sleeping tally. i
weber Tete © Connie. O Cannibals ag he Leper
smeared in patterns Festive, Santi ca naa, But dance 3 merry Jig
SÉRLILERR OCanbals O Combe eu ted vane
Makes a centerpiace suggestive, TE a ia la hai would come
labia er youd have a Kite wig.
Next crete agrio borbon. once care down io cur tov
Talalala bala ld. ng an ha sak
Dei sora tal aca pon hin.
MONTS
de ee
ot DA E
CHANT
And when his ear
Fellin some beer
a
Colored hai bay wresthing.
Abit ts ah Start o ough
Blend to al with hi breath
> où TU da WER Beer.
ala stor above it. << À aa 3 ola. hy sr
reste
lala lala la la lala. Have turned To smiles, We ned
the . en ee
O Carnal O Comba il
Sov ctect nal ma neo \ Wenn mann
om Fk carefree pranks
© Camitale O Cannibals, y rhone
poes ‘We ad mary ansuer Think
1 wish I'd never met Soc000000.
1 ee ta er gobs st me. Fale e
et perce ES ha prac
Lame ea
Tat [oo
He hes never yet bet fica
.
LAST-MINUTE XMAS GIFTS
Es FOR UNDER 5BUCKS
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GS |
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Lucky Penny ®
nung
USEFUL ROCK !
PAPERWEIGHT ı
CONVERSATION I
PIECI
LAST-MINUTE XMAS GIFTS
Es FOR UNDER 5BUCKS
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PAPERWEIGHT ı
CONVERSATION I
PIECI
WE
OF THE UNIVERSE E
D How can we know
sure were not
reaming all this. and that |
actually were jst a brain
in a jar in some mad
scientists laboratory?
What if we think M
the jokes on them. |
but the joke is
really on us?
If Heaven is so great M
for eversbody, then
sersbi the Tollts up
there?
Is th deling |
In He a
Why isn't creamed corn
against the law?
Why are movie sequels
always so bad, yet so
irresistibler 7
Everyone knows that Secret Sauce is just
sugar, mayonnaise, salt, and... what?
What is that Tantalizing, mouth-watering,
mystery ge
What if God doesn’t reall
dig my youthful High Ja
VYSTERIES
VEN I CAN'T EXPLAIN
Y e
Why did God create
dung beetles?
Is there Secret Sauce
Heaven?
A a at the me
be a happier place
if everyone would
just strut around
le?
Why did God create tapeworms?
Does God like
Secret Sauce?
Isnt theultimate answer to on, no matter how profound,
{ters hard mia a
If God can do
anything. could He
Irinkt-so mud
Secret Sauce that
Hed get sick to
His Stomach?
OF THE UNIVERSE E
D How can we know
sure were not
reaming all this. and that |
actually were jst a brain
in a jar in some mad
scientists laboratory?
What if we think M
the jokes on them. |
but the joke is
really on us?
If Heaven is so great M
for eversbody, then
sersbi the Tollts up
there?
Is th deling |
In He a
Why isn't creamed corn
against the law?
Why are movie sequels
always so bad, yet so
irresistibler 7
Everyone knows that Secret Sauce is just
sugar, mayonnaise, salt, and... what?
What is that Tantalizing, mouth-watering,
mystery ge
What if God doesn’t reall
dig my youthful High Ja
VYSTERIES
VEN I CAN'T EXPLAIN
Y e
Why did God create
dung beetles?
Is there Secret Sauce
Heaven?
A a at the me
be a happier place
if everyone would
just strut around
le?
Why did God create tapeworms?
Does God like
Secret Sauce?
Isnt theultimate answer to on, no matter how profound,
{ters hard mia a
If God can do
anything. could He
Irinkt-so mud
Secret Sauce that
Hed get sick to
His Stomach?
How COME
they dont nate
ie
te
Ber thalocew I (for “tin Borebead) Spam presse
ve MOMER SIMPSON’S
HOWCUMZITA ©
call ita
oo theres
'reézing snow and
BES
‚(HOW COME you can't drive
ni
HOW the guy who invented
the hi isn't considered to be
the greatest genios who ever lived?
carts on the freeway?
HOW. COME two wengädont HOW
pla right no ren COME stamp
1 try
HOW COME cats think theyre so
smart with their fancy footwork and
their crafty schemes To eat
PR all my smelt? d
HOW COME someone with as
little hair as me has so much head
lice? a O
HOW COME:
corndogs
2 2
magic: é > .
pe) HOW COME they don't have
«per comfy soft vibrating. couches
st bowling alleys. so you can lie
down when you're waiting for your
next turn?
HOW COME people say that TV is
à land stipe fgng vaste of to,
sith no real Benefit To humanity when
1 ‘much Fine entertainment on
HOW COME you
have te buy a whale entire
show-cone when al you really
want is the sweet, sweet syrop
Flavoring?
HOW COME I sweat when I eat?
HOW COME women don't
realize that baldness is sexy?
Howe COME HOw aie Im cursed with a
n't serve the son who is alwa tin, inst
a ont bno el
beverage Im polishmybo 3?
a of c E
course, À veis really or
E ee
one thing In the
interesting and that’s food?
they dont nate
ie
te
Ber thalocew I (for “tin Borebead) Spam presse
ve MOMER SIMPSON’S
HOWCUMZITA ©
call ita
oo theres
'reézing snow and
BES
‚(HOW COME you can't drive
ni
HOW the guy who invented
the hi isn't considered to be
the greatest genios who ever lived?
carts on the freeway?
HOW. COME two wengädont HOW
pla right no ren COME stamp
1 try
HOW COME cats think theyre so
smart with their fancy footwork and
their crafty schemes To eat
PR all my smelt? d
HOW COME someone with as
little hair as me has so much head
lice? a O
HOW COME:
corndogs
2 2
magic: é > .
pe) HOW COME they don't have
«per comfy soft vibrating. couches
st bowling alleys. so you can lie
down when you're waiting for your
next turn?
HOW COME people say that TV is
à land stipe fgng vaste of to,
sith no real Benefit To humanity when
1 ‘much Fine entertainment on
HOW COME you
have te buy a whale entire
show-cone when al you really
want is the sweet, sweet syrop
Flavoring?
HOW COME I sweat when I eat?
HOW COME women don't
realize that baldness is sexy?
Howe COME HOw aie Im cursed with a
n't serve the son who is alwa tin, inst
a ont bno el
beverage Im polishmybo 3?
a of c E
course, À veis really or
E ee
one thing In the
interesting and that’s food?
1. THE DEADLY MANTIS.
2. BIGFOOT (Saat)
3. THE BLOB
4. THE 50 FT. WOMAN
5. THE LEPUS
6. GIANT SQUID
7. THE JOLLY GREEN GIANT
8. COLOSSAL MAN
9. ZOMBIES (The Ling Dead)
10. THEM
sé
11. WORLD'S LARGEST PEANUT.
12. KING KONG
13. SNOWBALL, THE KILLER GOAT
14. THE CREATURE FROM THE
BLACK LAGOON
15. THE THING
16. THE LOCH NESS MONSTER
17. MR. HYDE
18. JAWS
19. MONSTRO
20, THE WEREWOLF
24. THE INVISIBLE MAN
Y
22. THE HUNCHBACK OF Y
NOTRE DAME
23. THE PHANTOM OF
THE OPERA
24. MEDUSA
25. SPACE MUTANTS
26. FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER
27. COUNT DRACULA
28. THE GOLEM
29. THE CYCLOPS
30. THE MUMMY
31. BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN
32. CECIL THE SEASICK
SEA SERPENT
33. GHIDRAH
34, THE TRIFFIDS
35. YETI (Abominable Snowman)
36. MOBY DICK
37. MINSA (Tada)
38. GODZILLA
39. GIANT CLAM
40. GIANT OCTOPUS.
41, TASMANIAN DEVIL 157
2. BIGFOOT (Saat)
3. THE BLOB
4. THE 50 FT. WOMAN
5. THE LEPUS
6. GIANT SQUID
7. THE JOLLY GREEN GIANT
8. COLOSSAL MAN
9. ZOMBIES (The Ling Dead)
10. THEM
sé
11. WORLD'S LARGEST PEANUT.
12. KING KONG
13. SNOWBALL, THE KILLER GOAT
14. THE CREATURE FROM THE
BLACK LAGOON
15. THE THING
16. THE LOCH NESS MONSTER
17. MR. HYDE
18. JAWS
19. MONSTRO
20, THE WEREWOLF
24. THE INVISIBLE MAN
Y
22. THE HUNCHBACK OF Y
NOTRE DAME
23. THE PHANTOM OF
THE OPERA
24. MEDUSA
25. SPACE MUTANTS
26. FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER
27. COUNT DRACULA
28. THE GOLEM
29. THE CYCLOPS
30. THE MUMMY
31. BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN
32. CECIL THE SEASICK
SEA SERPENT
33. GHIDRAH
34, THE TRIFFIDS
35. YETI (Abominable Snowman)
36. MOBY DICK
37. MINSA (Tada)
38. GODZILLA
39. GIANT CLAM
40. GIANT OCTOPUS.
41, TASMANIAN DEVIL 157
MONSTERS MADE SIMPLE *
ee M on ace TRAITS we Heron LACE TRAIT
1. THE DEADLY MANTIS HO 1. THE INVISIBLE MAN (ge A 5
2. BIGFOOT (Suga E 22. THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME Par Fane
3. THE BLOB AS 23: THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA | Par Fane 2 ot
4. THE 50 FT. WOMAN Someter Ca aa, MEDUSA er ec
5. THE LEPUS Arizona as, SPACE MUTANTS Oster ace a
6. GIANT sau ELU ~ 26. FRANKENSTEINS MONSTER SEXI
7. THE JOLLY GREEN GIANT Ree “27. COUNT DRACULA De]
B. COLOSEAL MAN Satin US ante MT 28. THE GOLEM Drago Consors e
3, ZOMBIES (aang Dad Seaton US we a, THE CULOS ein AR
10. THEM Ne Hel Th rows 30, THE MUMMY
WORDS LARGEST PEANUT Alen Gorga 5a. BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN
22, KING KONG EAS tied 2 CECI THE SEASICK SEA SERPENT
13. SNOWBALL, THE KILLER GOAT
33, GHIDRAH
u crane Tati pen ne 34. THE Turn
<= SET na
15 THE THING Ge = 3. MODE DI
16. THE LOCH NESS MONSTER | Laden Some 37. MIA Ca
17. MR HIDE Per] = GOA
18. JAWS ieee Ocean. 39. GIANT CLAM
19. MONSTRO The Seven Seas. 40. GIANT OCTOPUS:
20. THE WEREWOLF
41, TASMANIAN DEVIL
ee M on ace TRAITS we Heron LACE TRAIT
1. THE DEADLY MANTIS HO 1. THE INVISIBLE MAN (ge A 5
2. BIGFOOT (Suga E 22. THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME Par Fane
3. THE BLOB AS 23: THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA | Par Fane 2 ot
4. THE 50 FT. WOMAN Someter Ca aa, MEDUSA er ec
5. THE LEPUS Arizona as, SPACE MUTANTS Oster ace a
6. GIANT sau ELU ~ 26. FRANKENSTEINS MONSTER SEXI
7. THE JOLLY GREEN GIANT Ree “27. COUNT DRACULA De]
B. COLOSEAL MAN Satin US ante MT 28. THE GOLEM Drago Consors e
3, ZOMBIES (aang Dad Seaton US we a, THE CULOS ein AR
10. THEM Ne Hel Th rows 30, THE MUMMY
WORDS LARGEST PEANUT Alen Gorga 5a. BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN
22, KING KONG EAS tied 2 CECI THE SEASICK SEA SERPENT
13. SNOWBALL, THE KILLER GOAT
33, GHIDRAH
u crane Tati pen ne 34. THE Turn
<= SET na
15 THE THING Ge = 3. MODE DI
16. THE LOCH NESS MONSTER | Laden Some 37. MIA Ca
17. MR HIDE Per] = GOA
18. JAWS ieee Ocean. 39. GIANT CLAM
19. MONSTRO The Seven Seas. 40. GIANT OCTOPUS:
20. THE WEREWOLF
41, TASMANIAN DEVIL
MMS À 7.
See
ÄNCESsAnT SCOWL
{Gained by ther digestive
system pay a handle oor
ade Food, dude
NOW JUST A DARN
JOOTIN' MINUTE, SONZ
DORKY HAIRSTYLE
= sl Mary ales wer tele removable
Varices: Actually ro Var a al
- These densa woven networks of
ranmisen fers enble the an o
(onmemizte vith central command.
TENS ¿
NOT TRE \ BAGS UNDER THEJEJES
NER acy or on seer
ra ef ted and tart
tom oureR (RIGID POSTURE AS
SPACE KIND, Try a0 they maggie
RSA KIND, | ne
AE AROUND
Us, TO THE DRAB ATTIRE
D Dose (trame
o | But coors ld
THES MAS) mere eye OUTMODED LANGUAGE
SEEM LIKE] ham rom hehe she. Adopted from ancient TV
NORMAL / Wit the beara they wed rain. That lan have
HUMAN ory dal er in apoco. decades
oe. BUT after their original broadcasts
THERE EASY
Te spor IE
04 KNOW
WHAT TO NEWSPRINT. MYSTERIOUS SPOT
LOOK FOR, ‘STAINS ON ja
JUST FOLLOW FINGERS Probably from most recen
"THIS SIMPLE. From cheap apermarker human sacrifice.
GUIDE AND). Tabloid, the sherk man
¿Qe
eee
aati a
nt,
o]
source for news of hie
extraterrestrial brothers
and homatown gossip.
Sou be
RE TO
OR
SPACE
N
Brock AU, | sacou pants
A fer ha
lea
ee
ae
OF PLANET
EARTH IS
DEPENDING a bower.
ON YOU, MAN.
DACRON SOCKS Feet
Arteria Mae and extreme
from the planet hard. More than a vial
Mis Din. (Note:
Although aken in
origin. Dacrop ias
been adopted
TD is required here.
ost stomp on the feet in
as hard as you
M a ln
things too. Che leer fel à things 1F
‘jour dads coset for oies
© a es a
See
ÄNCESsAnT SCOWL
{Gained by ther digestive
system pay a handle oor
ade Food, dude
NOW JUST A DARN
JOOTIN' MINUTE, SONZ
DORKY HAIRSTYLE
= sl Mary ales wer tele removable
Varices: Actually ro Var a al
- These densa woven networks of
ranmisen fers enble the an o
(onmemizte vith central command.
TENS ¿
NOT TRE \ BAGS UNDER THEJEJES
NER acy or on seer
ra ef ted and tart
tom oureR (RIGID POSTURE AS
SPACE KIND, Try a0 they maggie
RSA KIND, | ne
AE AROUND
Us, TO THE DRAB ATTIRE
D Dose (trame
o | But coors ld
THES MAS) mere eye OUTMODED LANGUAGE
SEEM LIKE] ham rom hehe she. Adopted from ancient TV
NORMAL / Wit the beara they wed rain. That lan have
HUMAN ory dal er in apoco. decades
oe. BUT after their original broadcasts
THERE EASY
Te spor IE
04 KNOW
WHAT TO NEWSPRINT. MYSTERIOUS SPOT
LOOK FOR, ‘STAINS ON ja
JUST FOLLOW FINGERS Probably from most recen
"THIS SIMPLE. From cheap apermarker human sacrifice.
GUIDE AND). Tabloid, the sherk man
¿Qe
eee
aati a
nt,
o]
source for news of hie
extraterrestrial brothers
and homatown gossip.
Sou be
RE TO
OR
SPACE
N
Brock AU, | sacou pants
A fer ha
lea
ee
ae
OF PLANET
EARTH IS
DEPENDING a bower.
ON YOU, MAN.
DACRON SOCKS Feet
Arteria Mae and extreme
from the planet hard. More than a vial
Mis Din. (Note:
Although aken in
origin. Dacrop ias
been adopted
TD is required here.
ost stomp on the feet in
as hard as you
M a ln
things too. Che leer fel à things 1F
‘jour dads coset for oies
© a es a
UTOMOTIVE
MBARRASSATORY
CTIVITY
1 driving cars alone, aliens
lieve theyre invisible To the
ld outside. Apparently. the
indows in their spaceships are
fade of one-way glass. and
Mag Baron
IT
us ey take advantage of their
N ceived privacy by cleaning out
à ir ears and noses. singing
ly. and playing imaginary
ical instruments.
| SSS
ZIPPERATIC
CHECKIFICATION
Upon exiting any rest room. the
male alien will automatically check
his Fly. This is a form of salvte
to the Supreme Commander who
is always watching. (The female
m counterpart to this tribute is a
quick tug on the skirt
or panty hose)
RELENTLESS FACIAL
INSPECTION
Aliens maintain elaborate
disguises in order To walk amor
humana undetected. The Fema
disguise is more complex than
male. and thus more fragile. A
Female alien may be seen
constant inspecting and
repairing
Although seemingly unconcert
ELEVATORIAL
ZOMBIFICATION
In an elevator. the alien will
always face front, stare
rotically af the
{ede
te 8, a with his appearance. the male
En ee = alien will de do a quick spot-
ae See
beat
Do
1
CHILD/ANIMAL
CONFUSIOTOMY
Aliens can often be seen walking
children on leashes and bart
commands lice "NO!" or "STADE
On the other hand. th
Mustache waxing Nail biting
Egg sucking jutt picking
Finger snapping Knuekle cracking
Boot licking fiveing
Leg jiggling Bird flipping
Foot tappi Hip wriggling
Grand standing Lick spittl
One upping Hair splitting
Finger pointing Arm twisting
Beard stroking Brown nosing
MBARRASSATORY
CTIVITY
1 driving cars alone, aliens
lieve theyre invisible To the
ld outside. Apparently. the
indows in their spaceships are
fade of one-way glass. and
Mag Baron
IT
us ey take advantage of their
N ceived privacy by cleaning out
à ir ears and noses. singing
ly. and playing imaginary
ical instruments.
| SSS
ZIPPERATIC
CHECKIFICATION
Upon exiting any rest room. the
male alien will automatically check
his Fly. This is a form of salvte
to the Supreme Commander who
is always watching. (The female
m counterpart to this tribute is a
quick tug on the skirt
or panty hose)
RELENTLESS FACIAL
INSPECTION
Aliens maintain elaborate
disguises in order To walk amor
humana undetected. The Fema
disguise is more complex than
male. and thus more fragile. A
Female alien may be seen
constant inspecting and
repairing
Although seemingly unconcert
ELEVATORIAL
ZOMBIFICATION
In an elevator. the alien will
always face front, stare
rotically af the
{ede
te 8, a with his appearance. the male
En ee = alien will de do a quick spot-
ae See
beat
Do
1
CHILD/ANIMAL
CONFUSIOTOMY
Aliens can often be seen walking
children on leashes and bart
commands lice "NO!" or "STADE
On the other hand. th
Mustache waxing Nail biting
Egg sucking jutt picking
Finger snapping Knuekle cracking
Boot licking fiveing
Leg jiggling Bird flipping
Foot tappi Hip wriggling
Grand standing Lick spittl
One upping Hair splitting
Finger pointing Arm twisting
Beard stroking Brown nosing
whey
HELLO THERE,
FRIENDS!
PLANNING ON A
HEAVENLY
AFTERLIFE? |
WOULDN'T COUNT ON
(TIF | WERE YOU,
BUT IF YOU SIMPLY
MUST KNOW WHAT
SORT OF FATE
AWAITS YOU IN THE
Tike to
2 PA off "tomorow hat Ian d Toda
«am occasion ap onthe Jobs
C Hibernate in winter. Pn
a Left restaurant without Teping.
6 Left restaurants without paging the check
© Made a King in cartoon merchandising
LUST
Ta gall weed og
2 Attract members of the opposite ses
À Artractve members of the sine x
€ Dranppes
gurrow
atmen eal sud.
Between between mal sack,
Theater lo
EY ot +
E Hair.
€ Toxpees,
ANGER
2 Get mad“
À: Get “really mad.”
€ Get my shot.
PRIDE
Tam:
3 Gods gift to the opposite sex
À Godt Sit fo the nad
€ God.
total ic
0-10 jure mor thnk gogo Hal
80-150. evar din on fol He
160-350. Mila or du
FRIENDS!
PLANNING ON A
HEAVENLY
AFTERLIFE? |
WOULDN'T COUNT ON
(TIF | WERE YOU,
BUT IF YOU SIMPLY
MUST KNOW WHAT
SORT OF FATE
AWAITS YOU IN THE
Tike to
2 PA off "tomorow hat Ian d Toda
«am occasion ap onthe Jobs
C Hibernate in winter. Pn
a Left restaurant without Teping.
6 Left restaurants without paging the check
© Made a King in cartoon merchandising
LUST
Ta gall weed og
2 Attract members of the opposite ses
À Artractve members of the sine x
€ Dranppes
gurrow
atmen eal sud.
Between between mal sack,
Theater lo
EY ot +
E Hair.
€ Toxpees,
ANGER
2 Get mad“
À: Get “really mad.”
€ Get my shot.
PRIDE
Tam:
3 Gods gift to the opposite sex
À Godt Sit fo the nad
€ God.
total ic
0-10 jure mor thnk gogo Hal
80-150. evar din on fol He
160-350. Mila or du
ANNOYING QUESTIONS TO ASK YOUR SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER
IS IT À SIN TO
MOUTH OBSCENITIES
IF YOU DON’T MAKE
ANY SOUND?
ONCE YOU'RE IN
HEAVEN, DO YOU GET
STUCK WEARING
THE CLOTHES YOU
WERE BURIED IN FOR
ETERNITY?
IS IT OK TO
LAUGH AT
PEOPLE IN
HELL WHEN
YOURE UP IN
HEAVEN?
IF THERE’S LIFE ON
OTHER PLANETS, ARE
THERE ALIENS IN
HEAVEN TOO?
3
DO DINOSAURS
HAVE SOULS?
/ IS NEANDERTHAL
\ MAN IN HEAVEN?
COULD GOD CREATE A
CORN DOG SO BIG
EVEN GOD COULDN'T
EAT IT ALL?
IF YOU TOLD A
REALLY, REALLY
WOULDN'T
ETERNAL BLISS
GET BORING
AFTER AWHILE?
IS IT À SIN TO
MOUTH OBSCENITIES
IF YOU DON’T MAKE
ANY SOUND?
ONCE YOU'RE IN
HEAVEN, DO YOU GET
STUCK WEARING
THE CLOTHES YOU
WERE BURIED IN FOR
ETERNITY?
IS IT OK TO
LAUGH AT
PEOPLE IN
HELL WHEN
YOURE UP IN
HEAVEN?
IF THERE’S LIFE ON
OTHER PLANETS, ARE
THERE ALIENS IN
HEAVEN TOO?
3
DO DINOSAURS
HAVE SOULS?
/ IS NEANDERTHAL
\ MAN IN HEAVEN?
COULD GOD CREATE A
CORN DOG SO BIG
EVEN GOD COULDN'T
EAT IT ALL?
IF YOU TOLD A
REALLY, REALLY
WOULDN'T
ETERNAL BLISS
GET BORING
AFTER AWHILE?
EVE
M
ANNOYING QUESTIONS TO AS JOUR SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER
IF YOU WERE A
MASOCHIST IN LIFE,
WOULDN'T IT BE
A REWARD TO BE
SENT TO HELL AND
PUNISHMENT TO
BE SENT TO
HEAVEN?
WHY DOESN’T PRAYER
BRING DEAD GOLDFISH
BACK TO LIFE?
IF I SPENT ALL MY
TIME PRAYING
INSTEAD OF
STUDYING, WOULD
I GET BETTER
GRADES?
IF MONEY IS THE
ROOT OF ALL EVIL,
THEN HOW COME
WE HAVE TO
HAVE JOBS?
CAN THE SPIRITS
OF YOUR DEAD
RELATIVES WATCH
YOU WHEN YOU'RE
GOING TO THE
BATHROOM?
IF SOMEONE’S BEEN
DECAPITATED, ARE THEY
STILL HEADLESS IN
Ne E
7>
M
ANNOYING QUESTIONS TO AS JOUR SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER
IF YOU WERE A
MASOCHIST IN LIFE,
WOULDN'T IT BE
A REWARD TO BE
SENT TO HELL AND
PUNISHMENT TO
BE SENT TO
HEAVEN?
WHY DOESN’T PRAYER
BRING DEAD GOLDFISH
BACK TO LIFE?
IF I SPENT ALL MY
TIME PRAYING
INSTEAD OF
STUDYING, WOULD
I GET BETTER
GRADES?
IF MONEY IS THE
ROOT OF ALL EVIL,
THEN HOW COME
WE HAVE TO
HAVE JOBS?
CAN THE SPIRITS
OF YOUR DEAD
RELATIVES WATCH
YOU WHEN YOU'RE
GOING TO THE
BATHROOM?
IF SOMEONE’S BEEN
DECAPITATED, ARE THEY
STILL HEADLESS IN
Ne E
7>
Which à better?
HEAVY METAL BANDS
AEAVEN VS. HELP
GET TO SEE GRANDMA AGAIN NEVER HAVE TO SEE GRANDMA AGAIN
ALL GOD'S FUZZY LITTLE CREATURES,
i
REECHING
BAGPIPES.
ONE BIG NO-SMOKING SECTION HUMONGOUS, TOWERING
WALLS OF FLAMES
MADE-FOR-TV MOVIES
THE NATURAL ORDER OF ALL THINGS
ETERNAL BLISS
JET BLACK SHROUDS
ENDLESS DRUM SOLOS
FIRE & BRIMSTONE
TATTOOED BIKER CHICKS,
ie
ROSY-CHEEKED CHERUBS
THE HARMONIOUS GATHERING Y
F ALL RACES AND CREEDS
ia
HEAVY METAL BANDS
AEAVEN VS. HELP
GET TO SEE GRANDMA AGAIN NEVER HAVE TO SEE GRANDMA AGAIN
ALL GOD'S FUZZY LITTLE CREATURES,
i
REECHING
BAGPIPES.
ONE BIG NO-SMOKING SECTION HUMONGOUS, TOWERING
WALLS OF FLAMES
MADE-FOR-TV MOVIES
THE NATURAL ORDER OF ALL THINGS
ETERNAL BLISS
JET BLACK SHROUDS
ENDLESS DRUM SOLOS
FIRE & BRIMSTONE
TATTOOED BIKER CHICKS,
ie
ROSY-CHEEKED CHERUBS
THE HARMONIOUS GATHERING Y
F ALL RACES AND CREEDS
ia
OTHER US
'S FOR THIS BOOK
1. Use it to start a fire if your
goes down in the Andes.
2 fie! ‘off the Empire State
Bulding and see how big à dent
it makes in the sidewall
3. Makes a handy coaster fr
Jumbo Squshees!
Start a movement fo ge it banned.
à case of them and put them
in the trunk of the car To improve
traction on snowy days.
Fa the pages y andern
and throw a parade Sr your
nr bag
Hollow out the center and use
it to hide your sensitive poetry.
Rercover i wth the jacket of
Quantum Mechanics Made Difficult
and impress your Friends.
10. Make apitwade out of the pages.
11. Get three and practice juggling.
12. Une it as a doorstop.
13. Create alittle test Sr your hamster.
14. Start your own religion and make
this Book.
15. Velen dee hamburger
6. Besta Brghan
16. Bequesth it to
Yang Unit
ar
ep ere
+
'S FOR THIS BOOK
1. Use it to start a fire if your
goes down in the Andes.
2 fie! ‘off the Empire State
Bulding and see how big à dent
it makes in the sidewall
3. Makes a handy coaster fr
Jumbo Squshees!
Start a movement fo ge it banned.
à case of them and put them
in the trunk of the car To improve
traction on snowy days.
Fa the pages y andern
and throw a parade Sr your
nr bag
Hollow out the center and use
it to hide your sensitive poetry.
Rercover i wth the jacket of
Quantum Mechanics Made Difficult
and impress your Friends.
10. Make apitwade out of the pages.
11. Get three and practice juggling.
12. Une it as a doorstop.
13. Create alittle test Sr your hamster.
14. Start your own religion and make
this Book.
15. Velen dee hamburger
6. Besta Brghan
16. Bequesth it to
Yang Unit
ar
ep ere
+
BALDNESS. 43, 154 BODY PARTS. 34-35 CHEESE:
I N D E X BARFING: BONGOS, 78. 144, 145 of the head. 29
“Barf-orina” 115 BOOTLEG T-SHIRTS. 144 y. low-budget zombie movie. 62
A cannibal, 146 BOREDOM. CURES FOR. 37 of the ton. 127
CR the politeness of. 81 BOWLING CHEWING, ETERNAL QUESTION
ede ee See also PUKING, VOMITING parents as boning pins. 65 ABOUT. 21
AFTER-SCHOOL ACTIVITIES. 51 ‘BARTERING, LUNCHTIME. 23 pin setters. 48 CHIMNEYS:
ALGREN. NELSON, 28 BRAS. 7.83 and babies, 119
ALIENS): BRECHT, BERTOLT. 29 the raining of. 65
behavior off a. BRIBERY. 24.133 CHURCHILL. WINSTON. 127
pr 99 BROOM: CLEOPATRA. 80
patos haere dest, 63 CLICK BEETLES, 69
for par. 163, of the stomach, 28 CONTRITION. ACT OUT. 169
160! BUBBLE FACTS. 38 COON-SKIN CAPS. 89
ve 170: BULL. BAFFLING EM WITH. 6 COOTIES. 40-41
Meforme chart, 58 BULLIES: CORN:
pit 123 dogs: dancing with. 65
See also SPACE MUTANT Chopra, 80, se cm 628 17)
ANT FARMS, 58. 59 the fine art of. 38-39 magical qalties of, 154
‘ARMPIT SYMPHONY, 24 and tet water. 42 creamed: the ediblity of. 28
ot. ART: ‘BEARDS. FEAR OF. 125 gerging of. 65
FRAP othe duh 55 BEES. toria of 152
” 4 toed ve. 25 the fear of. 125 nuts, the odor of, 117
of the lng. 135 ‘umusual facts about, 110 pads. 73
ARTISTS, BEET(S) COSMIC DEATH RAYS. 144, 145
an te. 128-29 ‚giant canned display of. 73 COTTON CANDY:
res “for 80 Krispies, 27 machine. 42
Pe pate origin sold o Taking pigs. 64 nériiral value of. 22
"MF WIEDERSEMEN HY DAMPUING? 79 BELCHING CANNIBALS, 146 COUCHES. VIBRATING. 155
inch 72 | CARTOONING. INVENTIONOF.79 COUGHING. CURE FOR. 37
B ‘the romance of. 43 CAR TRAVEL TEBAHPLA SDRAWKCAB YZARC, 97
" by Santa Clue, 142,143 ‘ers, 163 CRIB NOTES. 17
STEREO BELLIES: yard ane for. 72 CROCKETT. DAVY, 89
the decorating of. 146 CATS): CRYBABIES. 10
the fear of Their nakedness. 127 borglar 47
in greek. 127 0
sein contacting inver child. 43
BIG BANG. PICTURE OF. 76 Be
BIGFOOT:
description of. 158 chasing doge. 137
in scheme, 91 raftiness of 155)
location of. 156 observation of. 129
reward for. 53 vomit. 24
BIRTH CONTROL, 7 is CELLULITE. 68
BODY-BUILDING, 80 CHEATING TECHNIQUES. 16-17
79
I N D E X BARFING: BONGOS, 78. 144, 145 of the head. 29
“Barf-orina” 115 BOOTLEG T-SHIRTS. 144 y. low-budget zombie movie. 62
A cannibal, 146 BOREDOM. CURES FOR. 37 of the ton. 127
CR the politeness of. 81 BOWLING CHEWING, ETERNAL QUESTION
ede ee See also PUKING, VOMITING parents as boning pins. 65 ABOUT. 21
AFTER-SCHOOL ACTIVITIES. 51 ‘BARTERING, LUNCHTIME. 23 pin setters. 48 CHIMNEYS:
ALGREN. NELSON, 28 BRAS. 7.83 and babies, 119
ALIENS): BRECHT, BERTOLT. 29 the raining of. 65
behavior off a. BRIBERY. 24.133 CHURCHILL. WINSTON. 127
pr 99 BROOM: CLEOPATRA. 80
patos haere dest, 63 CLICK BEETLES, 69
for par. 163, of the stomach, 28 CONTRITION. ACT OUT. 169
160! BUBBLE FACTS. 38 COON-SKIN CAPS. 89
ve 170: BULL. BAFFLING EM WITH. 6 COOTIES. 40-41
Meforme chart, 58 BULLIES: CORN:
pit 123 dogs: dancing with. 65
See also SPACE MUTANT Chopra, 80, se cm 628 17)
ANT FARMS, 58. 59 the fine art of. 38-39 magical qalties of, 154
‘ARMPIT SYMPHONY, 24 and tet water. 42 creamed: the ediblity of. 28
ot. ART: ‘BEARDS. FEAR OF. 125 gerging of. 65
FRAP othe duh 55 BEES. toria of 152
” 4 toed ve. 25 the fear of. 125 nuts, the odor of, 117
of the lng. 135 ‘umusual facts about, 110 pads. 73
ARTISTS, BEET(S) COSMIC DEATH RAYS. 144, 145
an te. 128-29 ‚giant canned display of. 73 COTTON CANDY:
res “for 80 Krispies, 27 machine. 42
Pe pate origin sold o Taking pigs. 64 nériiral value of. 22
"MF WIEDERSEMEN HY DAMPUING? 79 BELCHING CANNIBALS, 146 COUCHES. VIBRATING. 155
inch 72 | CARTOONING. INVENTIONOF.79 COUGHING. CURE FOR. 37
B ‘the romance of. 43 CAR TRAVEL TEBAHPLA SDRAWKCAB YZARC, 97
" by Santa Clue, 142,143 ‘ers, 163 CRIB NOTES. 17
STEREO BELLIES: yard ane for. 72 CROCKETT. DAVY, 89
the decorating of. 146 CATS): CRYBABIES. 10
the fear of Their nakedness. 127 borglar 47
in greek. 127 0
sein contacting inver child. 43
BIG BANG. PICTURE OF. 76 Be
BIGFOOT:
description of. 158 chasing doge. 137
in scheme, 91 raftiness of 155)
location of. 156 observation of. 129
reward for. 53 vomit. 24
BIRTH CONTROL, 7 is CELLULITE. 68
BODY-BUILDING, 80 CHEATING TECHNIQUES. 16-17
79
D DONUT(S):
DACRON. 160 as an aphroduiac. 43
DARK AGES. 82 barter vale of 23
DA VINCI LEONARDO. 97 chocolatercoated. 23
DEAL. ART OF THE. 55 Dotonic Plates. 30
dm i | SE
rays. 144 160 re
threats, 114 Phincake, 23
DECAPITATION, 89, 173 ‘squeezing the cream. 73
“DECORATE YOUR FATHER'S DRACULA:
BELLY" 146 beth of. 86
DEGAS. EDGAR. 126 description ef. 159
DENTURES: location of, 157
radio. tion thre 82 See also VAMPIRES
for dond tell 6 = DRAINPIPES. 166
DEVIL'S SINKHOLE, 83 DREAMS:
DINOSAURS): Famous Women Select-s-Dream
Barney the, 153 Series, 61
in evolstionary scheme, 9O interpretation of. 64-65
roaming the earth, 76-77 invention of. 92
skeletons. 76 video dream recorder, 58
the sods iM DRESS FOR SUCCESS,
HOW TO. 55
the sound of 76-77
DIRT RECIPE. 9
DISCLAIMERS. 1.17.83
DISHPAN HANDS, 68
DOGS):
corn. 65.154.171
chom 146
food. 49
types. 106-07
years. 107
‘DOG FOOD COOKS, 43
EMC 2. 92. 128
“EAT MY SHORTS’:
foreign translations of. 100-101
hand signal or, 99
EGGNOG. 155
EMBALMERS. 46
ENVELOPE LICKERS. 48
ETIQUETTE:
mealtime. 20-21
museum. 76-77 i
seal 42-43
EXPERT WITNESSES, 134
EXTORTION/BLACKMAIL, 52, 55
E
FEAR. FEAR OF. 125
FEZZES, 102
“FIG” HAND GESTURE. 99
FINGERS, EATING WITH. 21. 28
FIRE-BREATHING. 108
FLATTERY. 24.133
FLOSSING, KNIVES USED FOR, 20
FOOD:
cae \
donut lore, 30-31, 43
far food group. 22
fan food fact. 26727. 28-29
¿tony 166.167
grecertaying. 24.169
reste Fon. 24-25
restaurants, annoying behavior at, 73
Fable manners. 20-21. 28-29, 81
FOUR SEASONINGS. 42
FRANKLIN. BENJAMIN. 88
FROGS, MEDICINAL USES OF. 37
FROST. ROBERT. 78
FRUITY CHEWING GUM. 116
G
GANGSTERS, 96
GARBOLOGY. 9
GASTROINTESTINAL TREMBLERS, 30
GENIUS. LOOK OF. 80-81, 122
GOAT(S):
boiled fat of. 38
Kr varity, 156, 158
‘tribe of. 111
GOLDEN EGGS. 109
GOLF CARTS, 154
GRACE-SAYING. 24. 169
GRAVITY, INVENTION OF. 87
GRAVY:
boat. 24
stan, 82
of the throat, 106
GREED:
demonstrations of. 166
religion of. 102
GROSS-OUTS, 24
GROVELING. 133
GYM CLASS, AVOIDING, 4
H
“HAIL UNDIES.” 169
HAIR:
ball the Fear of. 127
conbing of. 6, 117
dempetifiation of, 34
Fear of 124
in Greek, 127
hairdos of special intrest, 39, 83
‘and head lice. 154
“of my china chin-chin.” 153
mera of womens. 137
protection of. 123
HAIRPIECES:
lens use of. 161
he dorky variety, 160
res facng of 5
deg. 39
HAMMOCKS, 155
‚si
DACRON. 160 as an aphroduiac. 43
DARK AGES. 82 barter vale of 23
DA VINCI LEONARDO. 97 chocolatercoated. 23
DEAL. ART OF THE. 55 Dotonic Plates. 30
dm i | SE
rays. 144 160 re
threats, 114 Phincake, 23
DECAPITATION, 89, 173 ‘squeezing the cream. 73
“DECORATE YOUR FATHER'S DRACULA:
BELLY" 146 beth of. 86
DEGAS. EDGAR. 126 description ef. 159
DENTURES: location of, 157
radio. tion thre 82 See also VAMPIRES
for dond tell 6 = DRAINPIPES. 166
DEVIL'S SINKHOLE, 83 DREAMS:
DINOSAURS): Famous Women Select-s-Dream
Barney the, 153 Series, 61
in evolstionary scheme, 9O interpretation of. 64-65
roaming the earth, 76-77 invention of. 92
skeletons. 76 video dream recorder, 58
the sods iM DRESS FOR SUCCESS,
HOW TO. 55
the sound of 76-77
DIRT RECIPE. 9
DISCLAIMERS. 1.17.83
DISHPAN HANDS, 68
DOGS):
corn. 65.154.171
chom 146
food. 49
types. 106-07
years. 107
‘DOG FOOD COOKS, 43
EMC 2. 92. 128
“EAT MY SHORTS’:
foreign translations of. 100-101
hand signal or, 99
EGGNOG. 155
EMBALMERS. 46
ENVELOPE LICKERS. 48
ETIQUETTE:
mealtime. 20-21
museum. 76-77 i
seal 42-43
EXPERT WITNESSES, 134
EXTORTION/BLACKMAIL, 52, 55
E
FEAR. FEAR OF. 125
FEZZES, 102
“FIG” HAND GESTURE. 99
FINGERS, EATING WITH. 21. 28
FIRE-BREATHING. 108
FLATTERY. 24.133
FLOSSING, KNIVES USED FOR, 20
FOOD:
cae \
donut lore, 30-31, 43
far food group. 22
fan food fact. 26727. 28-29
¿tony 166.167
grecertaying. 24.169
reste Fon. 24-25
restaurants, annoying behavior at, 73
Fable manners. 20-21. 28-29, 81
FOUR SEASONINGS. 42
FRANKLIN. BENJAMIN. 88
FROGS, MEDICINAL USES OF. 37
FROST. ROBERT. 78
FRUITY CHEWING GUM. 116
G
GANGSTERS, 96
GARBOLOGY. 9
GASTROINTESTINAL TREMBLERS, 30
GENIUS. LOOK OF. 80-81, 122
GOAT(S):
boiled fat of. 38
Kr varity, 156, 158
‘tribe of. 111
GOLDEN EGGS. 109
GOLF CARTS, 154
GRACE-SAYING. 24. 169
GRAVITY, INVENTION OF. 87
GRAVY:
boat. 24
stan, 82
of the throat, 106
GREED:
demonstrations of. 166
religion of. 102
GROSS-OUTS, 24
GROVELING. 133
GYM CLASS, AVOIDING, 4
H
“HAIL UNDIES.” 169
HAIR:
ball the Fear of. 127
conbing of. 6, 117
dempetifiation of, 34
Fear of 124
in Greek, 127
hairdos of special intrest, 39, 83
‘and head lice. 154
“of my china chin-chin.” 153
mera of womens. 137
protection of. 123
HAIRPIECES:
lens use of. 161
he dorky variety, 160
res facng of 5
deg. 39
HAMMOCKS, 155
‚si
in tree of fe. 91
HAPPY LITTLE ELVES, 118, 140, 141
HATE = LOVE EQUATION. 115
HAY FEVER CURE. 37
HEADCHEESE. 29
HEDGEHOGS, 110
HEN-EGG RELATIONSHIP. 28. 29
HICCUP CURES. 36
“HOLE INTHE BUCKET”
STRATEGY, 51
HOMO ERECTUS, 91
HUFF, STOMPING
OFFIN A. 50.
t
“IN-A-GADDA-DA-
VIDA" DRUM SOLO, 36
INFOMERCIALS:
asa career, 48,
the entertainment valve of, 103
as a /-*sleep sbetitute, 63
INNER CHILD, 35, 43, 129
INVISIBLE FRIEND. 9
J
JACKALOPES, 110
JACUZZI, INSTANT, 39
JASPER'S DENTURES. 82
JAVA MAN, 91
JOLLY GREEN GIANT. 156, 158
JUGGLING LICENSES, 136
182
K
KILROY, CAMEO BY, 12
KING KONG. 91, 156, 158
KNUCKLES, CRACKING OF, 71.
KRUSTY THE CLOWN:
“LARDO'S PRAYER.” 169
LAUNDRY SOAP SAMPLES. 148
LEECH FARMERS, 49
LEFT-BRAINERS. 128-129
LEISURE SUITS, 101
LIONS, MAN-EATING, 47, 81
LIVER
Fear of 126
of a geose, 137
in prayer, 169
LOAFERS. ADVANTAGES OF. 43
LOCKJAW. OBESITY AND. 37
LOOP OF ETERNITY, 93
LOVE:
amoebas and. 14
costies and, 40-41
LOVE SONGS, DISGUSTING, 114
LUST. SIN OF. 166
M
MAD SCIENTISTS. 47
MAGIC FINGERS. 69
MALIBU STACY DOLL. 60. 61
MARGARINE, PINK, 137
MASOCHISTS. 172
MINES. 48, 89. 128
MIRACLE CURES. 36-37
“MISSING CHILDREN" ADS. 8
MONKEYS:
monsieur monkey man. 76
sea. 91,99
smoking, 135. 137
troop of. 11O
truck racer, Wo
‘See also ALIENS. RICHARD NIXON
MONSTER TRUCKS. 46, 144
MOVIE SEQUELS. 152
MURPHY. BLEEDING GUMS. 61.
MYSTERIES OF
THE UNIVERSE. 152-55
N
NAPOLEON. 126
NEANDERTHAL MAN, 76, 171. 133
NICKNAMES:
of Bart Simpson. 12. 54, 82.101.103.
118, 154, 168, back cover
self-serving, 12
NIXON, RICHARD. 6. 100
NOSE HAIR. DEALING WITH 42
“NO WAY. MAN":
in pig Latin. 96
foreign translations of. 100-101
NUCLEAR POWER:
inner glow and. 42
radioactive waste collector. 48
NUDITY:
art and. 77
dreams and. 64
niversal mystery of 153,
NUTS:
ood facts about. 26
hatch, 111
parents driven by kids, 72-73
NUTRITION GUIDE. 22
©
“O CANNIBALS. O CANNIBALS.” 146
ONIONS:
ans on eating. 136
worship of 27
OPPISH LANGUAGE, 97
E
PAGAN RITUALS. 79
PAPER CLIP SCULPTURES. 149
PARENTS:
bedtime game wth, 62-63
diving them nuts methods for, 72-73
lacs of mation. vse of 86-87
>
HAPPY LITTLE ELVES, 118, 140, 141
HATE = LOVE EQUATION. 115
HAY FEVER CURE. 37
HEADCHEESE. 29
HEDGEHOGS, 110
HEN-EGG RELATIONSHIP. 28. 29
HICCUP CURES. 36
“HOLE INTHE BUCKET”
STRATEGY, 51
HOMO ERECTUS, 91
HUFF, STOMPING
OFFIN A. 50.
t
“IN-A-GADDA-DA-
VIDA" DRUM SOLO, 36
INFOMERCIALS:
asa career, 48,
the entertainment valve of, 103
as a /-*sleep sbetitute, 63
INNER CHILD, 35, 43, 129
INVISIBLE FRIEND. 9
J
JACKALOPES, 110
JACUZZI, INSTANT, 39
JASPER'S DENTURES. 82
JAVA MAN, 91
JOLLY GREEN GIANT. 156, 158
JUGGLING LICENSES, 136
182
K
KILROY, CAMEO BY, 12
KING KONG. 91, 156, 158
KNUCKLES, CRACKING OF, 71.
KRUSTY THE CLOWN:
“LARDO'S PRAYER.” 169
LAUNDRY SOAP SAMPLES. 148
LEECH FARMERS, 49
LEFT-BRAINERS. 128-129
LEISURE SUITS, 101
LIONS, MAN-EATING, 47, 81
LIVER
Fear of 126
of a geose, 137
in prayer, 169
LOAFERS. ADVANTAGES OF. 43
LOCKJAW. OBESITY AND. 37
LOOP OF ETERNITY, 93
LOVE:
amoebas and. 14
costies and, 40-41
LOVE SONGS, DISGUSTING, 114
LUST. SIN OF. 166
M
MAD SCIENTISTS. 47
MAGIC FINGERS. 69
MALIBU STACY DOLL. 60. 61
MARGARINE, PINK, 137
MASOCHISTS. 172
MINES. 48, 89. 128
MIRACLE CURES. 36-37
“MISSING CHILDREN" ADS. 8
MONKEYS:
monsieur monkey man. 76
sea. 91,99
smoking, 135. 137
troop of. 11O
truck racer, Wo
‘See also ALIENS. RICHARD NIXON
MONSTER TRUCKS. 46, 144
MOVIE SEQUELS. 152
MURPHY. BLEEDING GUMS. 61.
MYSTERIES OF
THE UNIVERSE. 152-55
N
NAPOLEON. 126
NEANDERTHAL MAN, 76, 171. 133
NICKNAMES:
of Bart Simpson. 12. 54, 82.101.103.
118, 154, 168, back cover
self-serving, 12
NIXON, RICHARD. 6. 100
NOSE HAIR. DEALING WITH 42
“NO WAY. MAN":
in pig Latin. 96
foreign translations of. 100-101
NUCLEAR POWER:
inner glow and. 42
radioactive waste collector. 48
NUDITY:
art and. 77
dreams and. 64
niversal mystery of 153,
NUTS:
ood facts about. 26
hatch, 111
parents driven by kids, 72-73
NUTRITION GUIDE. 22
©
“O CANNIBALS. O CANNIBALS.” 146
ONIONS:
ans on eating. 136
worship of 27
OPPISH LANGUAGE, 97
E
PAGAN RITUALS. 79
PAPER CLIP SCULPTURES. 149
PARENTS:
bedtime game wth, 62-63
diving them nuts methods for, 72-73
lacs of mation. vse of 86-87
>
PEKING MAN. 91 PUKING:
‘PENICILLIN CULTURES. 92 fake. 24
PETS. “Pell” 115
alan resent o. 163
‘animal brain twisters, 10-11
batt=ariffng by. 15 R
decomposed pets, uses for, 8
‘See also BARFING. VOMITING
RABBIT WORSHIP. 65
gee types. 106-7 RABIES, 119
dressed in thing, 163 RELIGION
mealtime Fun and. 24 Bart Guide as basis of. 177
Ultimate dream pet, 108-9 church, annoying behavior at. 72
PIG LATIN. 96 donut worship. 31
PIGS: fighting and, 132
dinosaurs that sound Ike. 76 food proverbs related to, 29
liter of 111 grice-saging. 24, 169
taking. 64 “greediness au. 102
three little, 153 ‘onion worship. 27
PIRANHAS: phobias related to. 125
in evahtionary scheme, 90 prayers zesty, 168-69
warnings against. 39 rabbit worshp. 65
water beds with, 58 reading forbidden by, 13
REPUBLICANS, 49, 89
RHUMING SKILLS, 77, 78
RIGHT-BRAINERS. 128-129
[6
ROBOTS. 58, 59
ROCK PAPERWEIGHTS. 149
ROLLER COASTERS. 91
PIRATES. 87 ROTARIANS, 160
ATFORA SHOES 101.103 RUNNY FOOD GROUP. 22
mas Ss
nutritional value of. 22 SANTA CLAUS:
srsalted, 23 the belching of 142
tra ely, 23 “essence of Santa” debate, 140-441
POSTAL EMPLOYEES. 11 riding arazor 141
POTATO CHIPS: ‘tap for. 14243
facial Faites in, 6 See alo X-MAS
invention of. 30 SCABIES, 19
PRAIRIE OUSTERS. 29 SCI-FI MONSTER
PRAYER-GRADES RELATIONSHIP. 172 MOVIES. 98
PRAYING MANTIS FIGHTS. 8
PSYCHO DOG. 107
PUFFY FOOD GROUP. 22
84
SECRET SAUCE:
Gods fondness for. 153
the mystery of 152
in song 114
SEE? FOOD GAME. 24, 25
SEUSS, DR. 174
‘SHROUD OF JEBEDIAH, 82
SICK EXCUSES. 4
SILVERFISH, 110
SKATEBOARDING:
careers in 47
Christmas and. 1444
in dreams. Ob
first skateboard, 99
Hays and. 36
SUINKYS:
En gl
SNAKE CHARMERS. 46
SOAP, ORIGINS OF. 38
SOCK FULL O' RICE. 149
SPACE MUTANT. 132
SPACESHIP REWARD MONEY. 53
“SPAM OF GOD.” 168
SPITWADS, 114, 177
SPONGES. EVOLUTION OF. 91
SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION. 92
SQUISHEES. JUMBO:
) coasters for. 177
as gift, 145
medicinal properties of. 37
in a lake of. 65
STAMP GLUE.
STICKY FOOD GROUP. 22
STINKBUGS. 8
‘STINK LINES. ARTISTIC USES OF. 16.122
STOMACH. SUCKING IN. 42
STREAKING. 100
SUCKER(S): =
vention of. 91
Farewell 10. 176
in thought ballons. 122
‘SUNBURN CURES, 37
SWASHBUCKLE. INVENTION OF. 87
SWEAT
TABLE MANNERS:
American, 20-21
barfing.accoptbiity of BI
international, 28-29
TABLOIDS. SUPERMARKET. 160
‘TALKING WITH MOUTH FULL. 21
TATTOOS):
artist, 47
‘on biker chicks. 175
machine. 58 7
rode ones. 14H ‘
TELEVANGELISTS. 89
THUMBPRINT DECODER. 35
TINKLE-DINKLE-HA-HA ROOMS, 14
“TINKLE-MATIC WARNING SYSTEM. 58
TITHOUSE. 110
TOADS. 145
‘TONGUE. STICKING OUT OF. 98
‘TSUNAMIS, BATHROOM, 39
TWINKIES, 97
185
‘PENICILLIN CULTURES. 92 fake. 24
PETS. “Pell” 115
alan resent o. 163
‘animal brain twisters, 10-11
batt=ariffng by. 15 R
decomposed pets, uses for, 8
‘See also BARFING. VOMITING
RABBIT WORSHIP. 65
gee types. 106-7 RABIES, 119
dressed in thing, 163 RELIGION
mealtime Fun and. 24 Bart Guide as basis of. 177
Ultimate dream pet, 108-9 church, annoying behavior at. 72
PIG LATIN. 96 donut worship. 31
PIGS: fighting and, 132
dinosaurs that sound Ike. 76 food proverbs related to, 29
liter of 111 grice-saging. 24, 169
taking. 64 “greediness au. 102
three little, 153 ‘onion worship. 27
PIRANHAS: phobias related to. 125
in evahtionary scheme, 90 prayers zesty, 168-69
warnings against. 39 rabbit worshp. 65
water beds with, 58 reading forbidden by, 13
REPUBLICANS, 49, 89
RHUMING SKILLS, 77, 78
RIGHT-BRAINERS. 128-129
[6
ROBOTS. 58, 59
ROCK PAPERWEIGHTS. 149
ROLLER COASTERS. 91
PIRATES. 87 ROTARIANS, 160
ATFORA SHOES 101.103 RUNNY FOOD GROUP. 22
mas Ss
nutritional value of. 22 SANTA CLAUS:
srsalted, 23 the belching of 142
tra ely, 23 “essence of Santa” debate, 140-441
POSTAL EMPLOYEES. 11 riding arazor 141
POTATO CHIPS: ‘tap for. 14243
facial Faites in, 6 See alo X-MAS
invention of. 30 SCABIES, 19
PRAIRIE OUSTERS. 29 SCI-FI MONSTER
PRAYER-GRADES RELATIONSHIP. 172 MOVIES. 98
PRAYING MANTIS FIGHTS. 8
PSYCHO DOG. 107
PUFFY FOOD GROUP. 22
84
SECRET SAUCE:
Gods fondness for. 153
the mystery of 152
in song 114
SEE? FOOD GAME. 24, 25
SEUSS, DR. 174
‘SHROUD OF JEBEDIAH, 82
SICK EXCUSES. 4
SILVERFISH, 110
SKATEBOARDING:
careers in 47
Christmas and. 1444
in dreams. Ob
first skateboard, 99
Hays and. 36
SUINKYS:
En gl
SNAKE CHARMERS. 46
SOAP, ORIGINS OF. 38
SOCK FULL O' RICE. 149
SPACE MUTANT. 132
SPACESHIP REWARD MONEY. 53
“SPAM OF GOD.” 168
SPITWADS, 114, 177
SPONGES. EVOLUTION OF. 91
SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION. 92
SQUISHEES. JUMBO:
) coasters for. 177
as gift, 145
medicinal properties of. 37
in a lake of. 65
STAMP GLUE.
STICKY FOOD GROUP. 22
STINKBUGS. 8
‘STINK LINES. ARTISTIC USES OF. 16.122
STOMACH. SUCKING IN. 42
STREAKING. 100
SUCKER(S): =
vention of. 91
Farewell 10. 176
in thought ballons. 122
‘SUNBURN CURES, 37
SWASHBUCKLE. INVENTION OF. 87
SWEAT
TABLE MANNERS:
American, 20-21
barfing.accoptbiity of BI
international, 28-29
TABLOIDS. SUPERMARKET. 160
‘TALKING WITH MOUTH FULL. 21
TATTOOS):
artist, 47
‘on biker chicks. 175
machine. 58 7
rode ones. 14H ‘
TELEVANGELISTS. 89
THUMBPRINT DECODER. 35
TINKLE-DINKLE-HA-HA ROOMS, 14
“TINKLE-MATIC WARNING SYSTEM. 58
TITHOUSE. 110
TOADS. 145
‘TONGUE. STICKING OUT OF. 98
‘TSUNAMIS, BATHROOM, 39
TWINKIES, 97
185
U
UNDERACHIEVER(S):
arongrous. 140
‘award, 12
body position. 122
UNIVERSE, AGE IN DOG YEARS. 107
URANUS:
dose=up photos of, 76
ings srad 100
questions about, 15
URINE:
and food. 26
in gree. 127
Vv
VADOI-OI-OING. 79
VAMPIRES:
asa career. 46
scheme. 90
See also DRACULA
VAN GOGH,
VINCENT. 92
VOMITING:
eat, 2
came 83
KHe-sming tehriques. 132
W
WART(S):
“comes” of. 71
“ar for. 37
“hogs stuffed. 76
speciale, 49
WASHINGTON. GEORGE, 88
WEEDWACKER, 42
WHOOPEE 7
CUSHIONS, 93
WIGGLY FOOD e
GROUP. 22
186
WIGS:
alien, 160
maker of 4
x feet tall 89
WITCHES. 88
WOLFMAN. 91, 156, 158,
WORDS. MADE-UP. 78
WRESTLERS, PROFESSIONAL:
dreams of. 64
with Mohank baireuts, 59
WRINKLE REMOVERS. 42
WRONG-RIGHT RELATIONSHIP. 155
K
XMAS:
carols for, 146-477
dog chow. 146
ts. lactminte, 148-49
invention of. 81 |
12 days of Christmas, 144-45
See also SANTA CLAUS
X-TRA SALTY PORK RINDS, 23
y
‘YELLING AND SWALLOWING,
INCOMPATIBILITY OF, 21
JODELING IN HELL. 152
PA
ZIGMA WAVES, 160
ZIPPERS. ALIENS AND, 162
ZOMBIES,
Christmas and, 145
descrption of. 158
levatoral zombificaion. 162
Location of. 156
2 deep avoidance mechanisms. 62
50 Long,
Suck ay
1
i
UNDERACHIEVER(S):
arongrous. 140
‘award, 12
body position. 122
UNIVERSE, AGE IN DOG YEARS. 107
URANUS:
dose=up photos of, 76
ings srad 100
questions about, 15
URINE:
and food. 26
in gree. 127
Vv
VADOI-OI-OING. 79
VAMPIRES:
asa career. 46
scheme. 90
See also DRACULA
VAN GOGH,
VINCENT. 92
VOMITING:
eat, 2
came 83
KHe-sming tehriques. 132
W
WART(S):
“comes” of. 71
“ar for. 37
“hogs stuffed. 76
speciale, 49
WASHINGTON. GEORGE, 88
WEEDWACKER, 42
WHOOPEE 7
CUSHIONS, 93
WIGGLY FOOD e
GROUP. 22
186
WIGS:
alien, 160
maker of 4
x feet tall 89
WITCHES. 88
WOLFMAN. 91, 156, 158,
WORDS. MADE-UP. 78
WRESTLERS, PROFESSIONAL:
dreams of. 64
with Mohank baireuts, 59
WRINKLE REMOVERS. 42
WRONG-RIGHT RELATIONSHIP. 155
K
XMAS:
carols for, 146-477
dog chow. 146
ts. lactminte, 148-49
invention of. 81 |
12 days of Christmas, 144-45
See also SANTA CLAUS
X-TRA SALTY PORK RINDS, 23
y
‘YELLING AND SWALLOWING,
INCOMPATIBILITY OF, 21
JODELING IN HELL. 152
PA
ZIGMA WAVES, 160
ZIPPERS. ALIENS AND, 162
ZOMBIES,
Christmas and, 145
descrption of. 158
levatoral zombificaion. 162
Location of. 156
2 deep avoidance mechanisms. 62
50 Long,
Suck ay
1
i
tarved for the
whole truth, man?
bite out of this bitsy but
with
Take
heefy packs
g
flavorized morsels of wit, wisdom,
and worldly knowledge brought
to you by the one and on!
Bartholomew J? Simpson
facts of life fron
get the
hard-knoc
the guy whos seen it all,
heard it all, done it all
— and denies it all
NUTRITIONAL INFORMATION
Serving Size:
182 pages, plus cover
Number of Servings: 1
Contains less than 2%
of the minimum U.S. RDA of
niacin and riboflavin.
Contains 100% of your daily
er requirement
(served with whole milk.
INGREDIENTS
PAPER, GLUE, PROCESS INKS.
(CYAN, MAGENTA, BLACK,
YELLOW), CARDBOARD
N 0-D-DT7S-X
IN
51
whole truth, man?
bite out of this bitsy but
with
Take
heefy packs
g
flavorized morsels of wit, wisdom,
and worldly knowledge brought
to you by the one and on!
Bartholomew J? Simpson
facts of life fron
get the
hard-knoc
the guy whos seen it all,
heard it all, done it all
— and denies it all
NUTRITIONAL INFORMATION
Serving Size:
182 pages, plus cover
Number of Servings: 1
Contains less than 2%
of the minimum U.S. RDA of
niacin and riboflavin.
Contains 100% of your daily
er requirement
(served with whole milk.
INGREDIENTS
PAPER, GLUE, PROCESS INKS.
(CYAN, MAGENTA, BLACK,
YELLOW), CARDBOARD
N 0-D-DT7S-X
IN
51
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