Pastoral care and counselling slides

THIS SLIDE IS DESIGNED TO HELP TEACH/RESEARCH ON THE SUBJECT" PASTORAL CARE" AND "COUNSELLING". DO YOU WANT TO LEARN THE SKILL ON COUNSELLING THIS SLIDE WILL GIVE YOU A HELPING HAND AS YOU DO MORE RESEARCH

1. SUBJECT: PASTORAL CARE AND COUNSELING PREPARED BY: ABIOLA ODUNLAMI YEAR :2020

2. A. COURSE OBJECTIVE This course will is intended to introduce students to the theory of and practice of Pastoral care and counseling. It will equip students for effective Pastoral Ministry. To reflect on the purpose and practice of pastoral care from a Christian perspective. To develop participants’ understanding of helping relationships. Reflect on their personal experience of pastoral care Show an understanding of the place of pastoral care and their own role within the life of a Congregation or a chosen setting. Reflect theologically on the relationship of pastoral care to Christian Faith. To address Complex Human Experiences in the lives of people. To identify and use basic listening skills.

3. B. COURSE CONTENT LESSON ONE: PASTORAL CARE AND COUNSELING LESSON TWO: THEOLOGICAL & PSYCHOLOGICAL FOUNDAT LESSON THREE: COUNSELLING AND ETHICS LESSON FOUR: QUALIFICATION OF A CHRISTAIN COUNSELOR LESSON FIVE: UNDERSTANDING STRESS LESSON SIX: COMPLEX HUMAN EXPERIENCES LESSON SEVEN: FAMILY AND MARRIAGE COUNSELLING LESSON EIGHT: CONFLICT AND CRISES MANAGEMENT

4. TEXTBOOKS: Counselling &psychotherapy : Siang- Yang Tan Theological Foundation for counselling : Thomas Edginghon , PhD. Christain counsellor : Dr. Ron Hawking, Dr. Tim Clinton. The family therapy treatments : Frank. M. Dattilio . Arthur E. Jong Doing Effective couples therapy : John. M. Gottman , Julie schwartz The Marriage Clinic : John M. Gottman Basic types of pastoral & counselling : Howard Clinebell

5. RESOURCE SITES : http://www.religiononline.org/listbycategory.asp?Cat=110 (Kierkegaard) http://biblicalcounselingcoalition.org/ Society for Christian Psychology: http://www.christianpsych.org/ European Movement for Christian Anthropology, Psychology and Psychotherapy (EMCAPP) http://www.emcapp.eu/ (The e-journals Christian Psychology Around the World) Christian Association for Psychological Studies: http://www.caps.net/ American Association of Christian Counselors:

6. ABSTRACT OF THE COURSE CONTENT   Today clients in swelling numbers seek therapy not because they feel bad but because they do not feel good. The helpers, to be sure, may uncover hurt beneath or beside aimlessness, or pain hidden in ennui, but the contemporary client is ready for more than cure, more than recovery of a status quo ante. Pastoral care and counseling are valuable instruments by which the church stays relevant to human need. And its continues to contribute to the renewal of a church’ vitality by providing instruments for the renewal of person’s, relationship and groups. This study will take us through the lesson of knowing that counseling is an instrument of continuing renewal through reconciliation, within individuals, church, families even to those outside the church and from an enlivening, growing relationship with God.

7. INTRODUCTION The Christian ministry of the cure of souls, or pastoral care, has been exercised on innumerable occasions and in every conceivable human circumstance, as it has aimed to relive a plethora of perplexities besetting persons of every class and condition and mentality. To view pastoral care in historical perspective is to survey a vast endeavor, to appreciate a noble profession, and to receive a grand tradition. Christian pastoral care being its very nature no simple cumulative skill, defiles neat classification and systematization .

8. For ours is a day in which pastoral care is everywhere challenged and stimulated by fresh insights into problems of being human, insights developed by behavioral scientists and by those adept at the healing arts no less than by philosophers and theologians. Pastoral care today is underground a swift and sweeping transition. This transition begs a necessity to appropriate and appreciate the lore of a long and fruitful experience of Christian pastors in helping troubled people. Pastoral care calls forth questions and issues of deepest meaning and highest concerns, for it is exercised at a depth where the meaning of

9. LESSON ONE PASTORAL CARE AND COUNSELLING WHAT IS COUNSELLING ? Let us begin by knowing what counselling is not. What counselling is not? It is not giving; Sermon or Prayer Warning to people Advice to individuals Threats to people

10. What is counselling? Counselling is a dialogical relationship in which one person helps another in crisis. Counselling is a specialized field of health science that gets people unstuck from their places of addiction, wrong belief and attitudes and made to move on using talk therapy… Counselling is a process that requires time. It is not a lecture. Problems are not solved simply because someone talks with another for a few minutes. Counselling focuses on the highly in depth specific personal needs and problems of individuals using two way communication. This requires time because both counsellor and counselee develop thorough understanding of the problem itself and seeks the true cause; -of the problem. Through communication, the parties involves in the counselling are able to clarify otherwise confusing situations.

11. A counsellor is more than techniques or bags of ideas. l--le or she is a true man and woman of God who firmly believes in the Lord Jesus Christ and Christian principles. He is the only one better qualified to counsel. Galatians 6: l says that those who help others must spiritual. With a bold approach to behavioral health care based on scriptural therapeutic techniques and foundation principles of Christian faith and practice, the Christian well equipped to help in a tremendous way those who are hurting. The most important thing in counselling is the Counsellor himself. They must not be wounded sheep themselves. They must have healed of their own issues, then in an impartial empathetic way, are able to bring complete healing and restoration to people who are emotionally mental, and psychologically stuck in life.

12. He or she is one who is called by God to tender shepherd, feed and protect the flock of God especially those who are going wayward or are suffering psychological difficulties and distress.

13. CARE VERSUS COUNSELLING Care is the general concern for the other! Counselling is the specific time and place of meeting where one person helps another in crisis. Counselling, therefore, emanates from care and general concern.

14. WHAT IS PASTORAL CARE? A pastor is a shepherd, a guide, one who leads his flock along paths where they will flourish and prosper. Therefore, pastoral which comes from the Pastor means shepherding. The word “care” express concern – showing general concern for others (Sidney Journad : Prof of Psychology University of Florida). “Pastoral care is the total set of resources of church and community that a pastor uses to meet grief and separation” (Wayne Oates). “Pastoral care springs out of genuine concern of well-being of another person”) Michael Taylor ) “Pastoral care is the board inclusive ministry of mutual healing and growth within a congregation and it community through the life cycle” ( Howard Clinebell : Pastoral Care and Counselling) “ Pastoral care is a supportive ministry to people and those close to them who are experiencing the familiar cares that characterize life in this world, such as illness , surgrey , incapacitation, death and bereavement , etc ” ( William Hulme , Pastoral Care and Counselling)

15. The ministry of the care of souls or pastoral care, consist of helping acts, done by representative Christian persons directed toward the healing , sustaining , guiding , and recording of noble persons whose troubles arise in the context of ultimate meaning and concern. Representative person; According to the definition, pastoral care is done by Christian representatives who may not hold specific offices in the Christian church. They could be pastors, deacons, elders, presbyters etc. Trouble Pastoral care is also directed towards people who are troubled, depressed or are in stress situations. Ultimate concern: Pastoral are calls for questions and issues of deepest meaning and highest concern , for to be exercised at a depth where the meaning of the life and faith is involved on the part of the helper as well as on the part of the one helped. Helping Acts: A plethora of helping acts stands in stands in contiguous relations of pastoral care but nevertheless do not properly belong to that specific ministry. Example are works of charity, acts of mercy, welfare, education, neighborliness and binding wounds. Such helping acts, however admirable, are hardly pastoral. It is when the helping acts done by Christian representative persons and directed at ultimate meaning and concern that it is pastoral care.

16. FUNCTIONS OF COUNSELLING a. Sustaining Helping a hurting person to endure and transcend a circumstance in which restoration to his former condition or recuperation from his malady is either impossible or so remote as to seem impossible. b. Healing A pastoral function that aims to overcome some impairment by restoring the person to wholeness and by leading him to advance beyond his previous condition . c. Guiding Assisting perplexed person to make confident choices between alternate courses of thought and action, when such choices are viewed as affecting the present and future state of the soul. d. Reconciliation Seeks to re-establish broken relationships between man and fellow man between and God.

17. PASTORAL COUNNSELLING. “Pastoral Counselling is either one to one relationship or group ad is a ministry to person, couples or families that assists them in working through pressing problem in their relationship to themselves to others and to God” ( William Hulme : pastoral cure and counselling). “Pastoral counselling is an essential means by which a church is helped to be a lifesaving station and not a club, a hospital ad a garden of the spiritual life - not a museum” (Howard Clinebell : pastoral care and counselling ). “Pastoral counselling is an attempt by a pastor to help people help themselves through the gaining of understanding of their own conflicts” (Seward Hiltner : pastoral counselling ). “Pastoral counselling is the relationship entered activity to enhance a person’s ability to relate in mutual need – satisfying way. Pastoral counselling as dimension of pastoral care is the utilisation of a variety of healing (therapeutic) methods to help people handle their problems and crises for more growth fully and thus experience healing of the brokenness” (Howard Clienbell ).

18. “Pastoral counselling is an experience in which pastor rates to his or her parishioner and feels the deep burden of his/her client without trying the burden himself or herself” (Richard Young: pastoral counselling ). The pastoral counselling approaches his work from a framework and value system that is God - oriented. He doesn’t force his value system of his client but his particular value system gives him (1) a greater sense of the dignity of the person as a child of God, a brother (or sister) in Christ as well as (2) a greater motivation to reach the client with the redeeming love of Christ (James E. Sullivan). “To speak of a pastoral” counselling is to speak redundancy. A pastor is a shepherd, a guide, one who leads his flock along paths where they will flourish and prosper. A counsellor, likewise, is a guide to good life. Like any guide he leads by stepping ahead, severing as living exemplar of the path” (Sidney Jourard , Prof. of Psychology University of Florida).

19. LESSON TWO THEOLOGICAL & PSYCHOLOGICAL FOUNDATION FOR COUNSELLING. Theological Foundations  is designed to give an understanding of a biblical theory of personality. That theory provides a set of "lenses" through which the biblical  counselor  can look as he/she works with clients. Please allow me the freedom to change a few of à Brakel’s words in order to make a point: “If the Word of God is the only criterion by which we can determine biblical counseling to be true counseling, then we must first acknowledge Scripture to be the Word of God before acknowledging the counseling to be biblical. Furthermore, we cannot receive the testimony of the counselor unless we acknowledge him or her to be truly biblical.

20. Thus, we do not believe the Word to be the Word of God because the biblical counselor affirms it, but on the contrary, we believe counseling to be truly biblical because the Word validates it as such. A house rests upon its foundation, and the foundation upon the house. A construction is subordinate to its cause rather than the cause being subordinate to what it has constructed.” What’s my point? Biblical counseling has authority over people’s lives only to the degree that it espouses, and adheres to, the Word of God, which is the revealed mind of the Living Word, the Lord Jesus Christ (1 Cor 2:11-16). If the foundations of sound theology are undermined by anyone who claims to be a lover of biblical counseling then he may claim all he wants, but what he has actually done is subordinate the foundation to its construction, which results in the weakening, and ultimate demise, of both. When the foundation is compromised it is only a matter of time before the construction begin to tilt.

21. Psychological Foundation is a formal arrangement between two parties (helper and helpee ) who consciously consent to address themselves in communications, solution to problems presented” (Edgar Draper). “Psychology strictly defied means treatment by psychological methods but the term as at present implies an eclectic approach to the patient free from too close no adherence to any particular technique” ( Ethed Veable : counselling, pg.6). “Pastoral psychotherapy in a long term helping process aimed at effective fundamental changes in the counsellee’s personality by uncovering and dealing with hidden feeling, intrapsychic conflicts. And repressed early life memories” (Howard Cliebell : Basic Types of Pastoral Care and Counselling 1992 ). “Pastoral psychotherapy is an interpersonal process in which one person communicates to another that can understands him, respect him and wants to be of help to him” (Living B. Weiner ). “Psychotherapy is the treatment of diseased by psychological means. It is branch of medicine – it is in main employed in the treatment of so – called functions nervous disorder which are now regarded as mental in origin” ( Encyclopaedia Britannica).

22.   “Psychotherapy is the treatment of emotional illness by various psychological techniques, used when the source of the problem is chiefly personal (not situational) as in counselling” (Clyde M. Narramore : The Psychology of Counselling ).

23. WHO IS A PASTORAL COUNNSELLOR? A pastoral counsellor is the one who…. Is interested in people. Believes in each person’s good qualities. Has respect for each accept himself. Inspires trust and confidence. Has the necessary knowledge and experience.

24. LESSON THREE COUSELLING AND ETHICS GOALS OF COUNNSELLING Helping persons for: Growth Insight/Understanding Develop abilities Change Reconcile with God, others and self

25. Legal/Ethics of counselling Beneficence: This implies enhancing the client’s well-being. No maleficence: This means doing o harm (vulnerability) (sexual harassment). Autonomy: This refers to clients’ self – determination or freedom of choice (inform consent, rumors and referred). Justice: This implies providing equal ad fair treatment to all clients. Fidelity: This refer to honesty and faithfully honorial promises. Confidentiality: This means protecting (security, trust).Unless – pose danger to others or themselves. Minor Court action Hospitality Clients’ request

26. BASIC SKILLS IN COUNSELLING The basic skills in counselling include the following: Effective Listening James 1:19, “Quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger” Listen with undivided attended attention without interrupting. Five senses: sight, sound, touch, small and taste. Remember what has been said including the details (the more you listen and the less you say, the better your money) Listen to the “baseline” (what is not openly said but is possibly being felt) Water for non – verbal clues to help to help understand feelings. Tolerate pauses and silence Help yourself and other feel comfortable and relaxed with each other, keeping calm even when you don’t feel calm. Sitting positions Space and boundaries

27. CON’T Responding Paraphrase – and reflect accuracy A way of promoting An indication that you have been listening A way of checking to see if you have hard correctly Be as accuracy as possible in describing feelings/ideas that you perceive. Feeling Word. Anger (frustration, annoyed, bitter, and pissed) Keeping questions to minimum Precise information (precise questions) Open up an area (open ended questions) – avoid why questions Prompt (rhetorical questions) Avoid changing the subject or interrupting unnecessarily. Use minimal prompts; “mm” “yes”, or the last few words. events , reactions and ideas.

28. Growth Name and clarify problem – insight “aha” especially bringing into consciousness

29. Confront problem Explore alternatives (engage Christian Faith Tradition) Set Goals (offer concrete response to life challenges) war vs. battles Decide Act

30. Other skills Respect Empathy Genuineness/congruence Acceptance

31.   LESSON FOUR QUALIFICATION OF A CHRISTAIN COUNSELOR Completion of a master's degree program is required to become a counselor. Programs specific to this field, such as the Master of Arts in Christian Counseling, are available. Graduate courses may focus on ministry, biblical studies, Christian thought, mental disorders and clinical counseling. However for you as a pastor you should have an idea as a leader for the sake of the group of people you lead daily and for the care of their lives. Therefore we look at the biblical qualification for you to counsel people. The Bible outlines several qualifications for ministry. Below are three qualifications I believe can be specifically applied to counseling ministry.

32. The first biblical qualification for any ministry is a godly life,  like that described in 1 Timothy 4. What I like about this text is you have the apostle Paul, an older godly man, who is shepherding, loving on, encouraging, equipping, exhorting, and spiritually fathering Timothy, a younger man in pastoral ministry. 1 Timothy 4:16,  “Pay close attention to yourself and to your teaching; persevere in these things, for as you do this you will ensure salvation both for yourself and for those who hear you.” This verse contains a powerful, weighty truth as Paul talks to his spiritual son in the faith. He tells Timothy to pay special attention to a couple things. The very first thing on that list is not a doctrine, not pastoral education, not how many degrees he owns or how many commentaries he has. The first thing he says is your life — How are you doing? Not as a pastor or a theologian or as a shepherd, but how are you doing as a child of God? (See also Ezra 7:10; 1 Tim 3)

33. Pay close attention to yourself; watch over your life. This is the issue of character. You must always remember that who you are as a believer in part qualifies you for ministry. It’s not just what you know — it’s not just the skills and gifts and talents you have — but it’s who you are. This is the first application from 1 Timothy 4:16. I keep a prayer journal, and at the top of the list are these words: “Who I am before the Lord is who I really am.” There is great joy in that because there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. What the Law could not do, weak as it was in the flesh, God did. And so if you’re a Christian you are in Christ today, and his righteousness alone is what qualifies you to come into his presence in prayer each morning. And to know that you are received as all believers are, as a sign to the presence of my heavenly father. Who you are before the Lord is who you really are. That statement also slays me sometimes, because sometimes there is a disconnect between my heart and what’s going on in my life; that verse is there to rebuke me. You may be fooling everybody else, but you’re not fooling the Lord. Pay close attention to your life, pay close attention to yourself.

34. What I want you to see is that the first thing the Scripture goes to and what it thinks about for qualifications for ministry is character. In any ministry that we’re aspiring to, we ought to be people growing in character. The parallel passage in Titus 1 gives us the same list. Additionally, look at 2 Timothy 2:20-21. Let this verse challenge you and remind you what God thinks about ministry: “Now in a large house there are not only gold and silver vessels, but also vessels of wood and of earthenware, and some to honor and some to dishonor. Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from these things, he will be a vessel for honor, sanctified, useful to the Master, prepared for every good work.”

35. God uses all of us in spite of us because none of us is where we need to be in Christ; yet, we’re moving toward Christ likeness in sanctification. Even though that’s true, God says the person he is inclined to use is the person who is growing in Christ. A person who is being sanctified is useful to the Master and prepared for every good work. One of the biggest temptations and challenges in any ministry is to let your own heart grow cold though you continue in active flourishing ministry. And I can’t tell you how dangerous that is. I know that from personal experience, and maybe you can relate to that also. Character is always on the top of the list in terms of qualifications. Notice what is not there, it’s not giftedness, it’s not talent, it’s not skill. Those are important, but God cares fundamentally about who you are as a believer first and foremost.

36. The second application from 1 Timothy 4:16 is pay close attention to your teaching. If we are going to open the Word of God and claim to be a biblical counselor where we’re not just giving our own opinion or our own advice, but we are planning to give what God actually thinks and what God actually says on the matter, we better get it right. It is an awesome responsibility to represent the God of the universe. And yet you don’t have to be a pastor, you don’t have to be an elder or missionary, you don’t even have to be a biblical counselor. 2 Corinthians 5:17-21 tells that we are all ambassadors of God; we all represent him with gospel ministry. That is an overwhelming responsibility, which means when we open the Word of God, administering counseling, or teaching — teaching Awana kids or whatever we’re doing — we want to make sure that our doctrine, our theology, our instruction is accurate. When we say this is what God says, we want to have a confidence that it is really what the text says. It’s solid theology that forms the foundation then to application and ministry in that counseling and discipleship. We have got to get our theology right.

37. The Second thing is perseverance.  Pay close attention to yourself; to your teaching. Persevere in these things. Any gospel ministry, including biblical counseling and discipleship, is a marathon not a 100-yard-dash. There is heartbreak, there are long nights, there are times when you are giving every ounce of everything you have into a person who is hurting and needs Jesus. And when you sign up for this, as Paul instructs Timothy here, you’re signing up for the marathon. This is a long haul. You occasionally may meet people that by God’s grace you get a couple sessions with them in the counseling office and then just like that, some people change real quickly. Praise God for that. But most of us change slowly. Most believers change slowly, and that is normal sanctification. Paul was a wise pastor, theologian, apostle, and he knew that Timothy needed not just to watch over his life and his doctrine but also needed perseverance. We see throughout Scripture that faithfulness, perseverance, continuing in the ministry, means leaving the success and fruit up to the Lord. Faithfulness is what God is looking for.

38. The third thing you need are appropriate skills.  When we talk about counseling, we want to add to character, content, commitment, and appropriate skills. You can be a person of character, medically qualified, responsible, know all sorts about how airplane wings work, control services work, and engine management; but that’s very different from getting in your own airplane and taking off by yourself. A pilot can know a lot about things, but he needs skills in order to fly the airplane correctly. The sailor needs skills to move the vessel along and sail correctly. A lot of things require skills to be successful, to be effective, and counseling is one of those disciplines .

39. Admonishment, encouragement, help and — I love how Paul throws this in — patience with everybody. So patience is always something we can pursue. But you need to have skills in counseling for discerning what is necessary. We want to help you with your own walk with God, your life. We want to help you with your doctrine, biblical truths, and theological truths so you are standing on solid theological ground. We want to encourage you in your pursuit of God that you are in this for the long haul. Preserve, commit to the ministry that you see God telling you to do. And we also want to help you to develop the skills that are necessary for effect counseling.

40. Drawing out the heart, Proverbs 20:5 says,  “A plan in the heart of a man is like deep water, But a man of understanding draws it out.”  This means we live out of our hearts. The heart is like our mission control center. When you’re ministering to people, there are things going on in their heart, and God does not give us a spiritual MRI machine to be able to see what’s going on in their heart. In order to minister to them, this verse tells us that as you grow in maturity and skills in ministry, you learn the skill of drawing out the issues of the heart. Like a person might drop a pail down a well to bring water up from the well. A man of understanding draws it out and part of the counseling ministry is learning how to do that. How do you draw out the issues of the heart? By listening. I think a great thing that every Christian should do, and certainly every Christian counselor should do, is ask his or her spouse — or if not married a friend that loves you enough to be honest with you — ask them, “Am I a good listener? Do I make quick judgments about what I think I’m hearing before the person is done speaking?” As a counselor, and as a person growing to be like Christ, we need to learn to listen well.

41. In biblical counseling, we are also learning the skills of restoring people to a place of spiritual service (see Gal 6:1-2). The picture here is that when a Christian gets caught up in sin, it affects their ministry; it affects their service. Part of helping them with that and leading them to deal with that in a godly way is helping them to be restored to God, to others, and to restore the ministries that have been negatively affected by it . In biblical counseling, we are also learning the skills of restoring people to a place of spiritual service (see Gal 6:1-2). The picture here is that when a Christian gets caught up in sin, it affects their ministry; it affects their service. Part of helping them with that and leading them to deal with that in a godly way is helping them to be restored to God, to others, and to restore the ministries that have been negatively affected by it. Those are issues that we need to resolve in our own hearts, character, content, commitment and appropriate skills.

42. LESSON FIVE UNDERSTANDING STRESS STRESS Stress is a feeling of emotional or physical tension. It can come from any event or thought that makes you feel frustrated, angry, or nervous. Stress is your body's reaction to a challenge or demand. In short bursts, stress can be positive, such as when it helps you avoid danger or meet a deadline. Stress is the body's reaction to any change that requires an adjustment or response. The body reacts to these changes with physical, mental, and emotional responses. Stress is a normal part of life. You can experience stress from your environment, your body, and your thoughts. Even positive life changes such as a promotion, a mortgage, or the birth of a child produce stress.

43. How does stress affect health? The human body is designed to experience stress and react to it. Stress can be positive, keeping us alert, motivated, and ready to avoid danger. Stress becomes negative when a person faces continuous challenges without relief or relaxation between stressors. As a result, the person becomes overworked, and stress-related tension builds. The body's autonomic nervous system has a built-in stress response that causes physiological changes to allow the body to combat stressful situations. This stress response, also known as the "fight or flight response", is activated in case of an emergency. However, this response can become chronically activated during prolonged periods of stress. Prolonged activation of the stress response causes wear and tear on the body – both physical and emotional.

44. Stress that continues without relief can lead to a condition called distress – a negative stress reaction. Distress can disturb the body's internal balance or equilibrium, leading to physical symptoms such as  headaches , an  upset stomach ,  elevated blood pressure ,  chest pain ,  sexual dysfunction , and problems sleeping. Emotional problems can also result from distress. These problems include  depression ,  panic attacks , or other forms of  anxiety  and worry. Research suggests that stress also can bring on or worsen certain symptoms or diseases. Stress is linked to 6 of the leading causes of death: heart disease, cancer, lung ailments, accidents,  cirrhosis of the liver , and suicide.

45. Stress also becomes harmful when people engage in the compulsive use of substances or behaviors to try to relieve their stress. These substances or behaviors include food, alcohol, tobacco, drugs, gambling, sex, shopping, and the Internet. Rather than relieving the stress and returning the body to a relaxed state, these substances and compulsive behaviors tend to keep the body in a stressed state and cause more problems. The distressed person becomes trapped in a vicious circle. We cause events to be satisfied by the meaning we give them. It’s not events, but our interpretations of events, which cause symptoms and tension.

46. Stress affects physical. SYSTEM SYMPTOMS 1. Cardiovascular Rapid heartbeat, High blood pressure, Migraines 2. Gastro-intestine Stomachache, Ulcer, Diarrhea, Constipation 3. Musculeo-skeletal Headache, Back pain, Muscle aches/spasms

47. Chronic stress can wear down the body's natural defenses, leading to a variety of physical symptoms, including the following: Dizziness  or a general feeling of "being out of it." General aches and pains. Grinding teeth , clenched jaw. Headaches. Indigestion  or  acid reflux symptoms. Increase in or loss of appetite. Muscle tension in neck, face or shoulders.

48. Problems sleeping. Racing heart. Cold and sweaty palms. Tiredness, exhaustion. Trembling/shaking. Weight gain or loss. Upset stomach,  diarrhea. Sexual difficulties.

49. Almost any physical illness can be made worse through stress. (Stress can bring on depression, anxiety, and frustration)

50. WHAT CAUSE STRESS? (STRESS ITSELF IS NEUTRAL) Your mind distinguishes between good and bad, but your body does not. Some stress keeps you motivated and competitive. WHAT ARE THE RESULTS? 80% of all headaches are stress induced Many major illness are caused by stress ( i.e. skin disorders, alcoholism, drug addiction, allergies, arthritis, asthma, gout, headaches, heart diseases, hypertension, nervous breakdowns, ulcers, backaches, grinding teeth , cold sore , and hives)

51. IMPROPER EXPRESSION – INADEQUATE WAYS SOME PEOPLE DEAL WITH STRESS: Obsessive – compulsive behavior “I must do this” Regression – “Remember when…” Non – compliance- “I’m not going to do it” Self-indulgence – “ I want it now” Projection – it’s going to get better” Withdrawal – I’ve got to get away” Depressive behavior – I ‘ll never get over things”

52. COMMON CAUSES OF STRESS Time Demands: “ I don’t have time to do it” Unexpected Demands: “I already have enough to do” Trapped Feelings: “I do not really want to” Unrealized goals: “I’m a failure” Over commitment: “ I cannot get everything done” Too many “Should” “I know I should ….” Family Demands Physical Problems Financial Problems Being projectionist

53. OVERCOMING STRESS 1. Thinking Therapy (Stop stinking Thinking) If you think right you will feel right Our thoughts create our moods Negative thinking is the outgrowth of wrong thinking Negative thinking – Mental anguish, depression anxiety All your moods are created by your thoughts If you feel stressed out and depressed , it’s because your thoughts are dominated by negative , critical thinking Negative thoughts nearly always contain distortions, untruths

54. OUR THINKING GOD’S THINKING It’s impossible All things are possible ( Luke 18:27) I’m too tired I will give you rest ( Matt. 11:28) Nobody really loves me I love you ( John 3: 16) Nobody really cares for me I care for you ( 1 Peter 5:17) I can’t go on My grace is sufficient ( 2Cor.12:9) I can’t figure things out I will direct you paths ( Prov. 20:24) I can’ do this I can do all things ( Phi. 4:13) I’m not able I am able ( Cor. 9:8) It’s not worth it It will be worth it ( Rom. 8:28) I can’t forgive myself I forgive you ( Psalm 103:12;1John 1:9) I can’t afford to I will supply all your needs ( Phil. 4:7)

55. The 2nd key in the thinking Therapy System. Thinking right thoughts will result in speaking right words. With negative thinking comes speaking –negative speaking creates a stressful environment.

56. PRACTICAL WAYS OF HANDLING STRESS Personal check-up -What am I doing, thinking, or saying that is causing me stress ? Learn to say – No! Recognize your limitations Recognize self-imposed stress – “ I’m causing myself to be stressed out” Exercise Watch what do you eat Learn to relax – have fun , do things you enjoy Recognize and admit that you are under stress Learn to trust the Lord.

57. HERE ARE FEW SUGGESTIONS THAT MAY HELP A PERSON TO TOLERATE THE STRESS AND PRESSURES OF LIFE Tips for reducing stress People can learn to manage stress and lead happier, healthier lives. You may want to begin with the following tips: Keep a positive attitude. Accept that there are events that you cannot control. Be assertive instead of aggressive. Assert your feelings, opinions, or beliefs instead of becoming angry, defensive, or passive. Learn and practice relaxation techniques; try meditation, yoga, or tai-chi. Exercise  regularly. Your body can fight stress better when it is fit. Eat healthy, well-balanced meals. Learn to manage your time more effectively.

58. Set limits appropriately and say no to requests that would create excessive stress in your life. Make time for hobbies and interests. Get enough rest and sleep. Your body needs time to recover from stressful events. Don't rely on alcohol, drugs, or compulsive behaviors to reduce stress. Seek out social support. Spend enough time with those you love. Seek treatment with a psychologist or other mental health professional trained in  stress management  or biofeedback techniques to learn more healthy ways of dealing with the stress in your life. Reserve some time for yourself

59. Do not struggle with things you cannot change Do not deal with any big problems late at night Try making a list Seek divine assistance

60. DEPRESSION AND DISCOURAGEMENT HOW TO RECOGNISE DEPRESSION AND DISCOURAGEMENT ? Relationships with others Physical problems Disorganization Self-condemnation Financial and material problems Loneliness, fear, self-pity, self-condemnation

61. WHAT IS DEPRESSION? A feeling of hopelessness, despair, sadness and apathy. It is a feeling of overall gloom. A move toward depression is a move toward deadness and emptiness. A loss of perspective – the way you perceive you job, family, your life (You look at things differently) Depression produces a negative thinking pattern toward life. Change in physical activities, loss of sleep General loss of self-esteem, being anxious or tense

62. A withdrawal from others – a fear of being rejected A desire to escape from problems, even from life. (Run away syndrome) Often misdirects anger, or, uses anger as a defensive mechanism Guilt – “This is my fault”

63. LESSON SIX COMPLEX HUMAN EXPERIENCES The complex human experiences that would be tackled include: Drug Addiction Prostitution Sexual Abuse Street Children The Aged The Bereaved These human experiences would be understood if a fair knowledge of psychology is gained.

64. PSYCHOLOGY . Is the science of mental processes and behavior It is the study of the psychical realm which has to do with mind ( though realm); the will (decision and responsibility realm) and emotions( feeling realm). It is the study of how people feel, think and act ( behavior)

65. THE PROCESS OF BEHAVIOR CORE BELIEFS ( EXPERIENCES STORED IN HISTORICAL MEMORIES) AUTOMATIC THOUGHTS Emotions ( feelings) Behavior ( action )

66. PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS Galatians 5:19-21 the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these Adultery , fornication, uncleanness , lasciviousness, [20] idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations , wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, [2] envying , murders, drunkenness, reveling ( KJV)

67. SPECIAL AREAS OF COUNSELLING (GALATIANS 5: 19-21) SINFUL BEHAVIOR Addiction ( alcohol, drug , food , media sex) Adultery ( including lusting after a person in one’s heart and getting into “ spiritual friendship” that contradict commitments to married or single) Ambition( self-seeking , putting our interest first) Anger ( out of control, repressed, or expressed in a sinful way)

68. Bitterness ( holding grudges , refusing to forgive) Competitiveness ( always opposing oneself against others) Curiosity ( prying , being a busybody) Depression Despair ( giving up on God or oneself) Drunkenness( and getting high on drugs) Envy Fantasy( daydreaming, losing touch with reality , sexual thinking) Fear

69. Gossip Guilt Hatred Homosexual behavior Idolatry ( worshipping something other than God ) Irresponsibility Jealousy Laziness Loss

70. Manipulation Masturbation Materialism ( attachment to things) Moodiness ( foll9owing one’s feeling) Negativity Over spirituality ( avoiding human responsibility under the guise of being “ spiritual often saying “ That the Lord told me”) Pornography

71. Pre-marital sex Presumption( often saying that they are using “ faith”) Pride Quarrel Rebellion Revenge Self-condemnation Sander Suicidal Tendencies

72. Teasing Unreliability Vulgarity Worry The source: All these sinful behaviors come from mental faculties. The solution: With proper management of thinking processes we are able to change wrong or sinful behavior.

73. MENTAL DISORDER A look at what people go through in life shoes that people are

74. MENTALLY AND EMOTIONAL ILL. The Scope of Mental Disorders: Mental illness affects all our homes Current trends suggest that good mental health is not merely the absence of mental diseases. It is dynamic balance in the midst of stress and the strain of life.

75. World Health Organization (WHO) said a person is considered mentally or emotionally ill when anxiety and confusion interferes with his or her life. According to the WHO, good mental health is when a person whether male or female enjoys a state of personal good health of mind and emotions and has the capacity for free feeling right about him or herself, about others and about the world around them.

76. THE RESULT OF THE MANAGING WRONG THINKING : There will be effective, optimum development of one’s personality to the level where he or she attains the level of maturity appropriate to his to her age and the society in which he or she grows.

77. 1.ABOUT THEMSELVES. They feel comfortable about themselves They are not overwhelmed by their own emotions, fear, anger, love, jealousy, or worries They can take the disappointments of life in stride They have a tolerant attitude towards themselves as well as others, they can laugh at themselves. They neither underestimate nor overestimate their abilities They can accept their own shortcomings

78. They have self-respect They feel able to deal with most situations that come their way.

79. 2.About others: They feel right about other people They have personal relationships that are satisfying and lasting They are able to give love and consider the interest of others. They expect to like and trust others and take it for granted that others will like them They respect many differences they find in people

80. They do not push people around, nor do they allow themselves to be pushed around They can fed they are part of a group They feel a sense of responsibility to their neighbors and fellowmen

81. 3.About their environment. They are able to meet the demands of life They do something about their problems as they arise They accept their just responsibilities They shape their environment whenever possible , they adjust to it whenever necessary They plan ahead but do not fear the future They welcome new experiences and new ideas

82. They make use of their natural capacities They set realistic goals for themselves They are able to think for themselves and make their own decisions They put their trust in God, which enables them to trust man. They put their best effort into what they do and get satisfaction from it.

83. Signs of mental illness Change of behavior – Strange or unusual behavior, inconsistent or dependable of the person who were to was not so. Such may say or do thing that normally are completely foreign to him. Many times the mentally ill person is not aware of the sudden changes in his behavior and may become antagonistic when his attention is called by friends or family members.

84. General appearance- usually the mentally ill may be so absorbed with their problems that they may not consider how they look. This is a symptom that signals to people that the person is no longer well organized. Preoccupation – This self –preoccupation in which the mentally ill is more concerned about him/herself and is less interested in others.

85. Memory – The mentally ill may have period of confusion or loss of memory. They may repeated forget they are, that they are married , or what the day of the month or the year is . they get so worried and involved in their own problems that nothing else seems to matter Self-concepts- They may believe that an acquaintance is plotting against them even though such thoughts may be completely unfounded. There is also a consideration of grandeur ( prominent figure)

86. Distorted Communication – They may talk vigorously to themselves even though there are people around. They may tell you sincerely that they are responding to some voices that is talking solely to them. These are characteristics of psychotic persons. Suspicion – An extremely sensitive feeling that his or her movements are being watched and a thinking that people are always thinking or staring at them.

87. Sensory Stimuli- They may tell you that they see things that obviously do not exist or smell a sickening odor in the room. They may complain of terrible taste in their month caused by poison being out in their food . Physical concern- They begin to complain about physical disorders that do not exist. They may feel that their heart is no more beating or that they are suffering from a fatal disease.

88. Repetitive Acts- They may perform certain acts many times over. So instance, they may spend hours in such acts as hand washing or other compulsive activity. This is actually a case of “Obsessive compulsive behavior” and is being treated with drugs. Depression – Almost everyone at some time fells “blue|” or discourage. These are normal reactions most often following some loss. Dangerous acts- This is doing harm to a person whom he/she feels is persecuting him/her.

89. WHAT CAUSES PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS Stage 1. Genetic Background/Hereditary Endowment (What your parents are) Manic – depressive psycliosis (Parents or relatives may have such problems) Depression can also be a learned pattern Personality traits do run in families

90. Stage 2. Early Environment (Birth to 6 years) social, religious, physical factors. 1. Defensive mechanisms developed to handle stress. Daydreaming – not able to focus Hypochondriasis – using illness as an excuse not to deal with a problem Projection – displaced anger , blaming others Depression – unconsciously blocking out strong feelings

91. Suppression – consciously holding back feelings Rejection, resentment , creating

92. 2. Personality traits are developing ( 85% developed by age 6) 3. If defensive mechanisms develop, it leads to the development of personality disorders.

93. Stage 3. Stressful situations develop an adult years (that are not dealt with) such as unsolved conflict. For example, neurosis which is a .functional personality disorder without severe loss of contact with reality may develop. Many problems are brought about irresponsible behavior (Gal. 6:7 – whatsoever a man sows that shall he also reap).

94. TREATMENT OF ANTISOCIAL BEHAVIOR Imprisonment does not treat it. Punishment does not treat it. It takes only Christian Conversion to bring change into their lives. Many emotional problems are brought about by sin (wrong behavior)

95. COUNSELLING THE EMOTIONALLY/MENTALLY ILL Accept the illness as a natural condition for him Do not argue with a person who is seriously disturbed Encourage the patient to express himself Do not expect the mentally ill person to respond in a normal fashion Pressure the patient that he will get well Show a genuine interest in the person

96. Encourage the patient in his treatment Be sensitive about the demands you place in one who is mentally ill Be discreet in the use of devotional materials Emphasis God’s love and comfort May

97. SOME EMOTIONAL DISORDERS ANGER CAUSES OF ANGER Extreme fatigue produces a response which has the earmarks of anger Extreme embarrassment typically produces a reaction which is categorized under the same overworked heading.

98. Rejection is another occurrence which often generates a kind of angry response . Extreme frustration gives rise to an emotional response which we call anger

99. HOW TO OVERCOME ANGER Recognized anger as a sin –“put away anger and forgive “Eph:4:30-32 Confess it as a sin –“if we confess our, he is faithful to forgive “1john 1:9 Receive God’s release –“if we ask anything according to his will he hears and answer “1john 5.14-15

100. Ask God to fill you with His Holy Spirit you heavenly father will give Holy Spirit to those who ask Luke 11:13 Ask God to forgive your anger and give you His love for those that have angered you. Ask those with whom you are angry with to forgive you, and thank God for the victory over anger.

101. SOME SCRIPTURE REFERENCES Prov 14:7 He that is angry does foolishly Prov 14.29 He that is hasty of spirit exalteth folly Pov 15:18 A wrathful man stirreth strife

102. Prov 19:19 A man of wrath shall suffer punishment Prov 22:24 Make no friendship with an angry man Prov 3:21 Fathers, provoke not your children to anger

103. TREATMENT FOR OBSESSIONS Thought Stopping Thought modification Thought substitution Antisocial personality From 2 Peter 2 we have a list of sociopathic signs

104. SOCIOPATHIC CHARACTERISTICS Here are some of the traits of the character under description Superficial charm and good intelligence Presence of delusions and other signs of irrational thinking Presence of nervousness and other signs of neurotic illness Unreliability Untruthfulness and insincerity

105. Lack of remorse or shame Adequately motivated antisocial behavior pattern Poor judgment to learn from experience Pathological egocentricity and incapacity for love General poverty in major effective reactions Specific loss of insight

106. Unresponsiveness in general interpersonal relations Suicide Sex life is impersonal , trivial and poorly integrated Failure to follow any life plan , good or evil Record of trouble with the law Record of truancy, job instability, pathological lying and nomadic lifestyle.

107. DEFINITIONS AND SIGNS OF DEPRESSION, MANIA, ANXIETY, WORRY, TENSION, STRESS ETC. DEPRESSION Persistent sad, anxious, or empty mood Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism Feeling of guilt , worthlessness and helplessness Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that you once enjoyed including sex.

108. Insomnia, early morning awakening , or oversleeping Appetite and or weight loss, overheating and weight gain. Decreased energy , fatigue , being “ slowed down” Thoughts of death or suicide Restlessness, irritability Difficulty concentrating , remembering and making decisions Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment such as headaches, digestive and disorders and chronic pain.

109. CAUSES DEPRESSION It is anger that has been repressed or turned inward Proactive depression is caused by an overwhelming situational problem Depression is a learned lifestyle. It is learned as a way to handle stress Depressed families can pass the depressive lifestyle from one generation to another

110. In depression, the self is turned against itself. In other words, one becomes his or her own worst enemy There is a need to stop being so critical of oneself so stop riding yourself so hard.

111. MANIA In appropriate elation In appropriate irritability Severe insomnia Grandiose notions Increased talking

112. Disconnected and racing thoughts Increased sexual desire Increased energy Poor judgment In appropriate social behavior

113. COUNSELLING TO REBUILD SELF-ESTEEM AND SELF-VALUE QUESTIONS TO ADDRESS WHEN COUNSELLING THE PROBLEM OF SELF –ESTEEM What do you like most about yourself? What do you like least? What are your string points?

114. What are your weak points How important is physical attractiveness to you? How did you like to change about yourself If could have done the following, what would it be, beauty, brains, or material things? What would you most like to change about yourself: looks, personality (both/neither)?

115. How do you want others to see you? Do have to become someone else to be like? Do you have a lot of friends? Are friends important to you? At home, are you allowed to be “The Real You”? Who is the “Real You”?

116. How can you think God sees you? What are your worth as a person? Are you excited or happy about who are? Scriptural principles for self-value Your life is the sum total of your choices and decision

117. HOW TO WALK OUT LOW SELF-ESTEEM Take control of your life. Be an action –person Never expect circumstances to be perfect Remember that knowledge, dreams, and even faith are not enough. Action is the power –ignitor

118. If there is fear, deliberately do what frightens you and destroy the negative power of fear Get yourself in gear. GO! Never wait for an emotional surge Think in terms of “NOW” not tomorrow , not next week , not next year

119. TIPS OF SELF-ESTEEM BUILDING Give yourself credit for being you. Be as good as anyone and no better than anyone Take care of personal hygiene. When we look better we feel better! Work through feelings a. Identify them b. Identify them

120. c. Decide how to express them d. Let them go Keep in contact with humor Appear confident Self –talk. Weed out in talking to yourself negative thoughts and irrational thoughts Learn to accept compliments

121. Take time for yourself Do not depend on others for your self-worth Take risk a. Expand Horizons b. Try New Experiences Self-esteem is not only feeling good about what you can do, but accepting what you don’t do.

122. Be yourself. Not everyone is going to like you-you don’t like everyone you meet. If you are yourself, you are more likely to find genuine friends who are interested in you and not some character you have created Do not be afraid to make mistakes. Do not try to deny that you have made them. Use those mistakes to learn so that you can improve yourself

123. Accept your limitations. everyone has them Make time for yourself. It’s easy in today’s world to run around doing plenty of things for other people: friends, parents and siblings; you meet those demands because you like need time to relax and enjoy life in the way you want. Always work towards some goals. Make sure it’s realistic Get involved. Meet new people. While learning about other people , you are learning about yourself

124. Try to look on brighter side. Worrying and dwelling on the negative doesn’t do anything good for one’s self-esteem. It only makes the problem seem bigger and harder to handle.

125. One study produced evidence that a new more demanding marriage style has emerged among young adult couples –the mutual potential marriage. The study discovered that many such couples chose marriage mainly because of the expectation that it would provide a satisfying relationship, meaningful communication, and personal growth. When such couples enter marriage without the relationship-building (communication) skills required to fulfill these expectations, disillusionment is almost inevitable. This disappointment, plus the increased willingness of couples to end unsatisfying marriages, feeds the rising incidence of marital separation, desertion, and divorce.

126. All marriages and all families have problems, of course, Psychiatrist Harry Stack Sullivan expresses this with a touch of humor.

127. Marriage enrichment and education can increase the growthfulness of many reasonably adequate marriages. Marriage crisis counseling can help some couples face their problems and resolve them in growthfull ways. In deeply disturbed marriages, marital therapy is essential. Family life offers many people opportunities for “covenants of intimacy” in our lonely culture, and it is important that the Good News come alive in the dailyness of family relationships. A healthy growing marriage is one of the most psychologically intimate of all relationships. This makes it both one of the most rewarding and one of the most demanding of human relationships. In short, marriages and families are places where people can “live their religion” (Regina Westcott).

128.   LESSON SEVEN FAMILY AND MARRIGE COUNSELLING According to Charles Stewart suggestion, there are three basic dimensions to a church’s strategy for strengthening families: Develop a network of caring and expressing family concerns through visitations, intercessory prayer for those undergoing crisis which may become a regular part of the church’s order of service .

129. Family counselling should be available to those families for whom group interaction and support are not enough to help them through critical period. The pastor needs to be aware of those under stress and who need more counselling help.

130. FAMILY CRISIS COUNSELLING When the lives of individuals are hit by traumas, their entire family network is impacted. It is important to provide pastoral care and some counselling for the whole family. To help families use their problems for growth, it is essential to intervene pastorally in the whole family. The most difficult transition in moving into whole-family counselling is helping family members change their definitions of the problem from the one obviously disturbed, to the whole family system.

131. Family recontracting , using the pastoral methods, often can help functional families improve their interaction in a few sessions. In negotiating a family change plan it is essential to work out an agreement about precisely what each person will do - what each will give and get as the plan is implemented. In this way, a family can revise their family contract to make it fairer and more effective in coping with the family’s crisis.

132. Mutual family affirmation can well be repeated occasionally during the process of family counselling as a way of making them aware of positive changes they are accomplishing.

133. METHODS FOR MARRIAGE AND FAMILY CARE AND COUNSELLING. The statements following each category illustrates some alternative ways a counselor can lead a couple /family into that type of experience. Active imagination: “picture yourself and your relationship inside each other’s skin. “Surround your partner with caring energy”. Stories and parables: “I knew a couple once who …….” “this happened in our marriage…….sharing vignettes of your own struggles, with your partner permission.

134. Dreams: “describe of our dream”. In your imagination, be the various parts of your dream”.” tell a daydream where your conflict is healed. Re -framing a problem: “do you see any positive message to you in your spouse’s nagging? What have you learnt from your family crisis?”. Aphorisms, jokes, and paradoxes: “instead of trying hard ( to maintain erection), let yourself relax and enjoy the closeness. Don’t try to have erection. Just flow with the pleasure, wherever it takes you” (example of a paradoxical technique).

135. A NEW STRATEGY FOR MARRIAGE AND FAMILY To help people respond creatively to the stress and changes in marriage and family life, churches needs to develop innovative programs. Such program should have two thrusts – a pastoral care-education dimension consisting of a variety of attractive marriage enrichment and family-strengthening events (including classes, workshops, retreats and camps) and a pastoral counseling dimension consisting of growth-centered marriage and family counseling for those going through periods of storm and stress. Each of these can under grid and complement the other.

136. A marriage enrichment program will enable some couples needing marital counseling or therapy to seek the help sooner.it does this by making them more aware of the painful inadequacies of their current relationship and the possibilities that their marriage can become less frustrating and more mutually satisfying. The long-term effects of marriage counseling can be enhanced significantly by referring couples who complete counselling to a marriage growth group or to regular enrichment events that will support their continuing growth.

137. With all the chaos and problems in marriages today, there are also greater possibilities and strivings for depth relationships than ever before in human history. The increasing liberation of women and men from the growth-limiting bonds of traditional one-up and one-down roles opens new possibilities for deeper closeness and love. If a church is to be a human wholeness center, it must include a robust emphasis on helping couples learn how to develop this quality of liberated and liberating love. In no other area does the use of the wholeness model of ministry have more exciting and satisfying possibilities. The challenge is to help people learn practical methods for nurturing their own and each other’s wholeness in their intimate communities of caring.

138. The common goal of wholeness-oriented marriage counselling and enrichment (including premarital training) is to help each couple co-create a relationship where both partners are enabled to discover and develop their maximum gifts as individuals in mutually enhancing ways. Each couple creates its own unique variations on this theme. Liberating love in any relationship can be defined as caring about and commitment to each other’s full becoming. This is a working definition that can be used by couples and by counselors to discover how liberating and mutually growth-producing what is called “love” in a particular relationship really is.

139. MAKING MARRIAGE ENRICHMENT AND COUNSELING LIBERATING Every committed relationship is based on an understanding (usually implicit) of what each person’s privileges and rights, obligations and duties are within that relationship. In marriage, this is called the marital contract or covenant. Often there are major differences in two partners’ implicit understanding of their working contract. This discrepancy is a hidden source of conflict between them.

140. Marriage enrichment and counselling sometimes enables couples merely to adjust to their existing contract more comfortably without evaluating and changing its unfair and unequal aspects. Such an approach is inherently unliberating and will in the long run prevent them from strengthening their relationship in a continuing way.

141. The ideal toward which couples should be helped to grow is two autonomous, growing individuals who choose to develop loving independency rather than the symbiotic dependency of two half-persons. To be genuinely liberating and growth producing (rather than merely sugar-coating an unjust relationship), marriage counselling and enrichment should always include consciousness-raising. This means increasing couples’ awareness of the ways in which the unequal allocation of power, decision-making, and opportunities for growth are root causes of marital anger, unhappiness and conflict. Consciousness raising should increase couple’s understanding of how their sexist social programming as women and men diminishes mutual growth in marriage. (for methods of consciousness raising, see Charlotte Holt Clinebell’s Counseling for Liberation).

142. Marriage counseling and enrichment should challenge and teach couples how to revise their contracts to make their relationship as just and equal as possible. The principle that the only solid foundation for love is justice should be implemented in all marriage counseling and enrichment. Sexism is a central cause of both diminished and destructive marriages. Therefore, pastoral counselors cannot nurture the mutual growth of married persons fully unless they actively help couples grow mutually liberating and equal, as well as intimate marriages.

143. The institutional male chauvinism of most churches and theologies militates against such liberating marriage counseling and enrichment. We must take seriously the freeing insight of Paul that in Christ there is neither male nor female (Gal 3:28), that one’s humanity, not one’s gender, is what really matters. The most important implications of all that is that pastoral marriage counselors and enrichers must have a raised consciousness in the area of both women’s and men’s liberation.

144. THE INITIAL SESSION IN MARRIAGE COUNSELING What occurs during the first interview in marriage counseling or therapy determines whether or not the foundation is laid for an ongoing, workable therapeutic relationship. During the first session, the pastor should: Communicate warmth, caring, and a willingness to help, and affirm the couple for seeking help. Find out how each feels about being there, why each person came now, what each wants, fears, expects, and hopes for from improve their side of the relationship.

145. Help motivate the less-motivated partner by building rapport with that person and awakening realistic hope for more satisfaction and less pain in the marriage. Discover how long the crisis or problems have been going on. Is the alienation chronic and protracted, or does the couple have periods of connectedness between crisis? Provide comparable opportunity for each person to describe the problems, express their feelings, and say what changes must occur (usually in the other) to make the marriage workable for them, (i.e., which clauses of the marriage contract are unfair and unsatisfying and therefore must be revised?)

146. After their anger and hurt are expressed and reduced, find out what each person still values about the marriage and about each other, and affirm whatever strengths and potential resources they have with which to strengthen their marriage through counseling. Make a tentative decision (based on what is discovered in 2 and 4) concerning whether to try short-term marriage crisis counseling or refer the couple to a marital therapist. If. After three to five sessions of crisis counseling, the couple has made little or no constructive movement, they probably need longer-term marital and/or individual therapy.

147. If short-term counselling seems likely to help, ask the couple to agree to come for three or four additional sessions with the expectation that at the end of the series, they and the counselor will decide what is needed. If in the initial session referral obviously is needed, the pastor should explain why and assure the couple that she or he will assist them in finding the specialized help they need.

148. Help the couple decide on and commit themselves to some between –sessions at home assignment-some small, constructive action they will take to help make their relating more mutually satisfying as soon as possible. Near the close of the first session (and other sessions) ask them how they feel about what has occurred-drawing out and accepting any negative feelings they may have.

149. Use prayer or other religious resources only if clearly appropriate with that couple. After the interview, reflect on what was learned, and make tentative plans for helping the couple: check with a consultant or colleague (peer consultant) if the situation is complicated or confusing.

150. LESSON EIGHT CONFLICT AND CRISIS MANAGEMENT Conflict is a serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one. It is a clash of interest. The basis of conflict may vary but it is always a part of society. Basis of conflict may be personal, racial, class, caste, political and international. Conflict in groups often follows a specific course. Conflict management  is the process of limiting the negative aspects of  conflict  while increasing the positive aspects of  conflict . The aim of  conflict management  is to enhance learning and group outcomes, including effectiveness or performance in an organizational setting.

151. What Are the Five Conflict Resolution Strategies ? Avoiding . Someone who uses a strategy of " avoiding " mostly tries to ignore or sidestep the conflict, hoping it will resolve itself or dissipate. Accommodating . … Compromising . … Competing . … Collaborating . Conflict Management Skills

152. Effective  communication Skills . Effective  communication skills  are of utmost importance to prevent conflicts. ... Listening Skills . An individual must not give his expert comments unless and until he is very clear what the other person wants. ... Discussion. ... Patience . ... Impartial. ... Never Criticize. ... Positive  Attitude . ...

153. Ignore others. A  crisis  is defined as a situation or event in which a person feels overwhelmed or has difficulty coping. ...  Crisis counseling  involves providing support and guidance to an individual or a group of people such as a family or community during a  crisis . Crisis counseling involves providing support and guidance to an individual or a group of people such as a family or community during a crisis. The purpose of crisis counseling is to decrease emotional pain, provide emotional support, make sure that the person in crisis is safe, and help develop a plan for coping with the situation. Sometimes it also involves connecting a person to other community or health services that can provide long-term support.

154. Crisis counseling can be linked to health education if it is used to increase knowledge of how to avoid or cope with a crisis in the future. It can also be used to change people's attitudes and beliefs about people in crisis, and to provide people with information about help available in their community. Public health professionals, for example, might educate a community on how to cope with a natural disaster such as a hurricane or an earthquake.

155. Crisis counseling is also related to health promotion. People can be taught useful skills that will help them to anticipate and cope with a crisis. Skills, information, and support services gained through crisis counseling can also help a person or a group of people to improve their health and quality of life. Crisis counseling can also be tied to health promotion through the development of health-related public policy and supportive environments. For example,  public health  professionals might create a policy to build crisis counseling centers or to develop a peer counseling program in high schools or colleges.

156. A valuable tool for  public health , crisis counseling has several advantages over other types of counseling or health services. It is relatively low-cost and simple to provide, and it is flexible and easy to learn. A wide variety of health professionals, including doctors, nurses, psychologists, and social workers, can be taught to help people through the application of crisis counseling techniques. Crisis counseling services can also be provided in a wide variety of places or settings, including hospitals, community clinics, military bases, and police stations, as well as through telephone-based services. New technologies have also created the possibility of Internet-based crisis counseling.

157. THE GOALS OF MARRIAGE CRISES COUNSELING The overall goal of marriage crisis counseling and also marriage therapy is to help couples learn how to make their relationship more mutually needs-satisfying and therefore more growth –nurturing. To help them accomplish this, certain operational goals should be in the counselor’s mind during the process. In short-term marriage crisis counseling, the counselor seeks to help the couple: Reopen their blocked communication lines and learn more effective communication skills (which are essential for accomplishing the other goals).

158. Interrupt the escalating, self-perpetuating cycle of mutual attack and retaliation, triggered by their severe frustration of mutual need-satisfactions; and become aware of the futility and self-sabotaging consequences of their own behavior, including their efforts to reform each other. Become aware of the strengths and unused assets in themselves and their relationship which they can use to make constructive changes in themselves and their marriage. Identify specific areas where change-growth must occur in each person’s own behavior to interrupt their crisis and make their marriage more mutually need-fulfilling.

159. Negotiate and then implement workable and just change plans in which each person takes responsibility for changing her/his side of the interactions between them. This is a renegotiation of their marriage covenant, In this process, they will mobilize some latent coping resources, learn new problem-solving skills (e.g. constructive conflict resolution) and raise the level of mutual –satisfaction in the relationship.

160. Experience the reawakening of the energy-for change in realistic hope. Realistic hope is generated in three ways in counseling. It is first caught empathetically from the counselor’s expectation that the couple has the capacity to change and grow. Hope is then nourished by increased awareness of their strengths and assets with which they can rebuild malfunctioning aspects of their relationship. Hope is strengthened and reinforced as they actually change self-hurting behavior in and between themselves. Constructive change generates realistic hope, and hope generates further change.

161. Marriage crisis counseling and marriage therapy are actually on a continuum. Marriage therapy shares the above goals, but in addition seeks to help couples: Discover, explore, and to some degree, exorcise the subconscious or unconscious roots of conflicted role image and neurotic (exaggerated and conflicted0 needs learned primarily from their parents: deal with relationship-diminishing fantasies, fears and rage. Individual psycho-therapeutic sessions may be needed concurrently with joint couple sessions, to facilitate this individual growth.

162. Renegotiate and revise major aspects of the marital contract that are unjust and/or unworkable. Marriage therapy is longer term than marriage crisis counseling because it involves a greater degree of learning of relationship-building skills and a more basic reconstruction of the relationship. (For a detailed description of methods used in marital therapy relationships, see chapter 3 in Growth Counseling. Many of these methods can also be used in shorter-term marriage counseling).

163. METHODS OF MARRIAGE CRISIS COUNSELING These goals will become clearer when viewed operationally in the following account of crisis counseling with Joan and Bill Sheldon (This is a composite case based on several similar experiences of marriage crisis counseling). Joan Sheldon phones the Reverend Sally Marks to ask if she would see her about a marital problem. Joan (34) and Bill (36) are members of Sally’s church. They have been married eight years and have two children, ages 5and 1½. Sally responded: “Yes, of course I’ll be glad to be of whatever help I can, Joan. Tell me a little about what’s happening” (This question was aimed at finding out how acute the crisis was and enough about its nature to decide whether to begin with individual or couple counseling) Joan on Bill’s excessive drinking. Their marital conflict had skyrocketed since he had been terminated three months ago from his position as an engineer with a nearby aerospace company.

164. Joan: He’s unbearable! So discouraged about not finding another job he often just sits in front of the tube and drinks beer most of the day. Yells at me when I ask him why he isn’t out looking for a job. I should find a job again- his unemployment compensation will run out soon. But I’m afraid to leave our kids with him-he’s so upset and half-drunk much of the time, shouts at them when they make any noise. I suspect his heavy drinking is one reason he was let go!

165. Pastor: Sounds as though you’ve about had it! Things are really rough! How would Bill feel about the three of us getting together to talk? Since the problem is at least partly in your relationship, it would be helpful if I could hear how both of you see it. Joan: He’s very upset about the mess we’re in and what’s going on between us, but he feels our main problem is his being out of work.

166. Pastor: That certainly is a major problem, but from what you say, it seems that the suffering for all of you is made worse by what this is doing to your relationships as a family. Do you suppose he would be willing to come at least once so that I could hear both of your viewpoints about the crisis you’re in and what you can do to make things better? Joan said he probably would and a tentative appointment was made for the next day, to be confirmed after she had talked with Bill. When the Sheldons ’ came to the pastor’s study, she greeted them warmly and asked them to have a seat in a small cluster of three comfortable chairs away from the desk.

167. Pastor: I appreciate your accepting my invitation to come, Bill I can understand how you might be feeling some resistance since it wasn’t your idea to talk to me. As I explained to Joan when she phoned, I think I can be more helpful if I know how each of you sees and feels about your situation. Bill: Things have been going downhill since I lost my job. I’m willing to talk if it might help. Pastor: Joan told me a little about the problems on the phone, but I suspect that you may have some different views on the situation. How do you see the problem, Bill?

168. Bill: I lost my job and with the economy being in the miserable shape it’s in I haven’t been able to find a comparable position in my field. It’s been damn discouraging and I guess I’ve guess I’ve been kinda hard to live with. But her nagging me hasn’t exactly helped! Pastor: The whole job situation must be very rough on you, Bill I realize that finding another job has to be your biggest concern right now and talking with me won’t be of direct help on that. But it sounds as if the conflict between the two of you are making being out of work even harder for both of you. Perhaps we can discover some ways that the two of you can make things better in that area.

169. The lines of meaningful communication were gradually reopened as the pastor encouraged Bill and Joan to describe their perceptions of their crisis. This produced heated disagreement, especially about the role of Bill’s drinking in his firing. Sally watched their pattern of communication carefully, nothing that they talked to each other only through her This suggested that their communication, except for circular arguing, mutual attack, and accusation (stemming from their anger and suffering) had become constricted and ineffective as a means of problem-solving.

170. Effective communication, including all the verbal and nonverbal ways people exchange ideas, attitudes, meanings, desires, hopes, angers, fears, warmth, and caring is what nurtures love in a relationship by feeding the basic psychological hungers and satisfying the basic human will-to-relate. The pathology of the Sheldons ’ communication system was both a cause and an effect of their increasing alienation. (Marriages where there has been little if any effective communication for years are not a rarity. The needs-starvation in such relationships produces intense suffering, with consequent anger and mutual attack).

171. THE COUNSELOR’S ROLE It is evident that the minister took an active role in working with the Sheldons ’. I agree with the view that “if joint interviews are to be constructive, the counselor must assume responsibility for establishing limits, structure, balance, and focus during the interview. “The pastor was, in Sullivan’s phrase, a “participant observer,” but also an “observant participant”. She was a referee who saw that both persons had a fair chance to express their views and participate equally in decisions affecting them both.

172. The minister was also a coach who helped them learn how to play the game of marriage more creatively, a teacher who suggested or recommended actions for them to consider. She was a communications-facilitator who helped them practice the art of getting messages through to the other effectively. She was an accepting authority figure with some expertise in relationships. As such she was not shy about confronting them(caringly) with the hurtful consequences of their immature behavior affirming them when they responded to each other more constructively. By her sensitivity to what was happening in their interaction, the minister was an awareness stimulator.

173. She was a reality-tester for them, allowing them, allowing them to check their perceptions of the realities of their relationships against hers. She was a guide who encouraged them to explore some of the dynamics of their relationships. The pastor was also a role-model, particularly for Joan, of a strong, competent, caring woman. She shared some of her learnings from her own marriage. She was a pastor who symbolized and sought to be a channel for the healing love of God to flow into the lives and the marriage of this couple. Most of all, Sally marks was a warm human being who reached out, not down, to help Joan and Bill.

174. Being actively involved as a counselor does not mean making decisions for counselees, doing for them what they could do for themselves, pushing them toward solutions chosen by the counselor. To illustrate, if persons ask. “Should I get a divorce?” it is important to accept their feeling of desiring (ambivalently in most cases) authoritative advice, but then (gently but firmly) make it plain that this is too compels and personal a decision for anyone else to make for them.

175. Being actively involved as a counselor does not mean making decisions for counselees, doing for them what they could do for themselves, pushing them toward solutions chosen by the counselor. To illustrate, if persons ask. “Should I get a divorce?” it is important to accept their feeling of desiring (ambivalently in most cases) authoritative advice, but then (gently but firmly) make it plain that this is too compels and personal a decision for anyone else to make for them.

176. In conclusion: the just complete study will enable you both spiritual and educational to help everyone which is our call to service. Pastoral care and counselling is a great help to functioning as counselors to the congregations given to us to care for as a shepherd cares for his sheep.

177. SUGGESTED READINGS Clinebell , Howard, Basic types of Pastoral Counseling , Nashville Abingdon Press 1992.