Why Attorneys Lose Jobs and Opportunities_The Top 5 Toxic Behaviors to Avoid.pptx

Reveals why attorneys lose jobs and career opportunities by engaging in toxic behaviors. This presentation identifies the top five habits that damage reputations and relationships—and offers practical guidance on how to build professionalism, trust, and long-term success in the legal field.

1. Why Attorneys Lose Jobs and Opportunities: The Top 5 Toxic Behaviors to Avoid BY HARRISON BARNES

2. Introduction

3. In the legal profession, success is rarely just about how smart you are, where you went to law school, or how hard you work. Time and again, I’ve seen attorneys rise—or fall—not because of their legal skills, but because of how they make others feel. Introduction

4. There are certain attorneys who naturally draw people to them. Partners want to work with them. Clients trust them. Recruiters seek them out. Introduction

5. They build strong relationships inside and outside their firms, and as a result, doors open for them—constantly. They are offered new opportunities, invited into key networks, and positioned for long-term success. Introduction

6. And then there are others—just as smart, just as credentialed—who consistently push people away without even realizing it. These attorneys struggle to hold onto jobs, alienate colleagues, lose clients, and are passed over for promotions or partnership. Introduction

7. I've watched careers unravel not because of a lack of ability, but because of unaddressed, toxic behaviors that quietly sabotage everything. The good news is that these behaviors can be identified—and corrected. Introduction

8. The most powerful thing you can do for your legal career is to recognize whether any of these behaviors apply to you and commit to changing them now. Because in this profession, the people who succeed are not just the best lawyers. They are the ones others believe in, trust, and want to be around. Introduction

9. 1. Constantly Needing Validation

10. One of the most destructive patterns I see among attorneys—especially those in the early to middle stages of their careers—is the constant need for validation. It shows up in subtle ways: needing praise from partners, constantly seeking reassurance from clients, obsessing over peer recognition, or chasing external accolades just to feel a momentary sense of worth. Constantly Needing Validation

11. On the surface, it may seem harmless—even normal—but underneath, it’s often driven by deep insecurity. And in the long run, it can quietly erode your potential, your credibility, and your peace of mind. Constantly Needing Validation

12. Many attorneys come into the profession believing that if they work hard enough, earn the right degrees, get hired by prestigious firms, and hit certain milestones, they will finally feel whole—finally feel seen. But what they discover is that the legal profession rarely offers the kind of validation they’re really looking for. Constantly Needing Validation

13. It’s a high-pressure world, and no matter how good you are, the approval you crave is always conditional and fleeting. One mistake, one bad review, one missed origination goal—and it can all feel like it’s slipping away. Constantly Needing Validation

14. This need for validation often begins long before law school. It’s rooted in childhood—perhaps in feeling unseen, unworthy, or not good enough. Constantly Needing Validation

15. Many attorneys were the overachievers growing up, using performance and accomplishment as a way to gain attention, affection, or acceptance. But once you’re in the world of law, the stakes are higher, and the approval much harder to come by. Constantly Needing Validation

16. If you’re operating from a place of constantly needing to be liked, admired, or applauded, your emotional state will rise and fall based on how others treat you. You’ll take criticism personally, fear being overlooked, and burn out trying to prove yourself again and again. Constantly Needing Validation

17. You’ll also make poor career decisions—taking or leaving jobs based on how validated you feel, rather than what’s truly right for your growth and well-being. Constantly Needing Validation

18. Here’s the hard truth: if you are driven by the need for validation, you have a serious obstacle standing in your way. You won’t find lasting fulfillment in this profession—or in any area of life—until you break free from this pattern. Constantly Needing Validation

19. The first step is recognizing it. The second is doing the difficult inner work to build a sense of worth that isn’t dependent on applause, status, or anyone else's opinion. Only then can you truly lead, stand out, and sustain long-term success in law. Constantly Needing Validation

20. In my career as a legal recruiter, I have always been amazed when I meet the people who are the most successful. The people who graduated first in their class from a top law school and have had a series of stunning accomplishments throughout their lives rarely feel the need to brag. Constantly Needing Validation

21. Deep down, they are very secure with who they are. These people never tell others about their accomplishments, and their success (more than often) comes from within. Constantly Needing Validation

22. This is one of the most powerful lessons any attorney can learn. The legal field is full of impressive resumes, prestigious titles, and high-stakes victories—but what separates those who quietly thrive from those who constantly struggle is often a matter of internal confidence. Constantly Needing Validation

23. The most respected attorneys don’t seek out praise or attention. They don’t need to be told they’re smart or successful. Their sense of self-worth is internalized, stable, and independent of external feedback. Constantly Needing Validation

24. Years ago, I had a childhood friend with low self-esteem that used to send me a three-page email each week about what he had done. No one liked him growing up because he was always talking about himself. Constantly Needing Validation

25. I would generally read his email over briefly and offer a few comments: “Great job on that date!” “Looks like you are getting closer to another promotion!” “I told you that they would really like you!” Constantly Needing Validation

26. After years of being friends with this person, he did something pretty shocking that violated my trust, and I told him I could no longer be friends with him. He realized there was no way I could be friends with him either. Constantly Needing Validation

27. To my astonishment, though, after a few weeks he wrote me the following email: “I really miss being able to send you an email about my week and have you comment on it. I do not know why, but I need this. I realize you cannot be friends with me anymore, but could I continue to email you each week?” Constantly Needing Validation

28. What this person was doing, of course, was emailing me because he needed validation and approval. His self-esteem was literally dependent on my weekly feedback. Constantly Needing Validation

29. In this person’s life, he did things mainly in order to get approval. He also based how he felt about himself on how he was perceived by others. Constantly Needing Validation

30. I’ve met many attorneys like this—brilliant, accomplished individuals who are constantly chasing the next accolade or affirmation, not because they love the work or are driven by purpose, but because their self-worth depends on being admired. Constantly Needing Validation

31. These attorneys often burn out. They struggle with rejection. They fear criticism. And they make career decisions based on how they will be perceived, not what is genuinely fulfilling. Constantly Needing Validation

32. Your self-esteem should come from within and not from getting validation from other people. Your life is about the process and not each and every step, acquisition and achievement. Constantly Needing Validation

33. If you constantly need validation, work through this with a therapist, take a course, read a book or something along those lines, but do not involve others in your need to feel good about yourself. Constantly Needing Validation

34. In the legal profession—where stress is high, judgment is constant, and feedback is often critical—you must build an internal foundation of self-belief. Otherwise, every setback will feel like a crisis, and every success will only provide temporary relief. Attorneys who succeed long-term are those who do the work for the sake of the work, not for the applause. Constantly Needing Validation

35. When you need validation from others, you drain them of their energy. This is especially true in the legal profession, where emotional and mental demands are already high. Constantly Needing Validation

36. If you constantly need to prove your worth and accomplishments to others around you, they are not going to like you. In fact, they’ll begin to avoid you. Not because you aren’t accomplished—but because your need to be seen as accomplished consumes the room. Constantly Needing Validation

37. It doesn’t make others feel good about themselves when you are acting like this all the time. It makes them feel smaller, unseen, and exhausted. This kind of behavior is more common in the legal industry than many realize. Constantly Needing Validation

38. Attorneys often feel pressured to lead with their résumé, to project superiority, to constantly justify their value. But ironically, the people who are most secure—the ones others admire most—rarely say much about themselves at all. Constantly Needing Validation

39. Which person do you think I liked more? We’ve all encountered people like this—people who make us feel like they are performing, not connecting. Attorneys who lead with ego instead of authenticity. Constantly Needing Validation

40. You likely know colleagues or acquaintances who: Constantly talk about who they know Talk about how big their house is Always have the latest and greatest of something and brag about it Are constantly talking about their latest promotion or accomplishments Dress and act in a way that gets them constant attention Constantly Needing Validation

41. People who are like this are using the approval of others as a measure of their own self-worth. These people have a hole in their lives and do not have a deep-down sense of their value. Constantly Needing Validation

42. In law, where image and perception often carry heavy weight, it can be tempting to try to stand out by signaling success. But this kind of behavior almost always backfires. Constantly Needing Validation

43. It makes clients uneasy, alienates colleagues, and blocks meaningful relationships with mentors, peers, and even friends. People sense when you’re operating from insecurity, and over time, it repels them. Constantly Needing Validation

44. While the need for love, respect and admiration is instinctual and is something that is important for many people, it is draining on others to give you this constant praise. The attorneys who go far in their careers are the ones who make others feel good about themselves—not the ones who make others feel like they have to constantly affirm them. Constantly Needing Validation

45. If your sense of identity is based on how others react to you, it’s time to take a deeper look inward. Because no title, no firm name, no courtroom win will ever fill a void that only internal self-worth can satisfy. Constantly Needing Validation

46. 2. Thinking Nothing But Negative Thoughts

47. One of the most damaging patterns I’ve observed in attorneys is a persistent tendency to focus on the negative. It’s more common than people realize—and often more professionally destructive than any résumé gap or lack of experience. Thinking Nothing But Negative Thoughts

48. There are a tremendous number of people out there who cannot stop being negative. They constantly speak about: negative things that have happened to them, how people have treated them poorly, why a given situation is bad, how things are not as good as they were before. Thinking Nothing But Negative Thoughts

49. All of this negativity is something that is not fun to be around. In fact, it’s toxic. And in law, where morale can already be strained under high stress and pressure, it creates an environment others want to flee. Thinking Nothing But Negative Thoughts

50. This negativity is upsetting to the people around us. It affects the culture of a firm, poisons collaboration, and erodes trust. Thinking Nothing But Negative Thoughts

51. I was at a party before for someone celebrating their wedding anniversary. I was standing next to another man, and he was talking about how cheap the wine tasted and how insulting it was that he was being served such bad wine. Thinking Nothing But Negative Thoughts

52. I was about ready to walk away when the husband having the party walked over to speak with us. He was friendly and we spoke for a few minutes. When he walked away, the man standing next to me said: “He looks terrible and as if he is about to die. He should not be having a party.” Thinking Nothing But Negative Thoughts

53. The husband looked fine to me. I was again about ready to walk away and get away from this negativity when another man walked up and started chatting with us about his new career in the financial services industry. We had a pleasant talk for a few minutes, and then he too walked away. The man standing next to me said: “He looks like he got his suit from the Salvation Army. No one is ever going to give him any money.” Thinking Nothing But Negative Thoughts

54. I instantly disliked the negative man and wanted to get away from him. What’s the point of spending time with someone who has nothing but bad things to say about others? Thinking Nothing But Negative Thoughts

55. Now imagine someone like this in a law firm—constantly criticizing their colleagues, complaining about clients, griping about firm leadership, or always pointing out why something “won’t work.” These people become social liabilities. Thinking Nothing But Negative Thoughts

56. They aren't seen as leaders, but as distractions. They don’t build teams—they fracture them. And when firms start making cuts or passing people over for advancement, these are almost always the first to be let go or left behind. Thinking Nothing But Negative Thoughts

57. At work, there are always people that are more than happy to talk negatively about their employer. These people are generally the first to lose their jobs when things are not going well. Thinking Nothing But Negative Thoughts

58. Attorneys must be especially careful of this trap because negativity often disguises itself as intellect or insight. But being critical is not the same as being discerning. A constant focus on what’s wrong doesn’t make you smarter—it makes you harder to trust and less desirable to work with. Thinking Nothing But Negative Thoughts

59. You need to be positive. People are attracted to and want to be around those who are positive and not negative. Clients want lawyers who inspire confidence. Partners want colleagues who energize a room. Law firms grow when they’re filled with people who believe in what’s possible—not just what’s flawed. Thinking Nothing But Negative Thoughts

60. Negative people sap the energy out of the organizations they are a part of and create problems. If you want a lasting legal career, you need to be the person who lifts the room, not the one who pulls it down. Thinking Nothing But Negative Thoughts

61. 3. Always Acting Like a Victim

62. One of the fastest ways to stall or even destroy a legal career is to adopt a victim mindset. I’ve seen this over and over again—attorneys who might have immense talent but can never seem to move forward because they’re too focused on blaming others for where they are. Always Acting Like a Victim

63. I know a woman who constantly talks about how awful her father was to her 20 years ago. I’ve known more people than I can count who love to obsess about how terrible an ex-wife or lover was. Always Acting Like a Victim

64. Many people blame the circumstances of their lives on others. I would estimate a significant portion of the population does. Always Acting Like a Victim

65. I know a man who was a cocaine addict for a few years back in the 1980s, quit in 1990 and for the past quarter century, has been blaming this former drug addiction for every problem he has ever experienced in his life. Always Acting Like a Victim

66. In the legal profession, this mindset is especially dangerous. If you are acting like a victim, you are putting the responsibility for your life on someone (or something) outside of yourself. Always Acting Like a Victim

67. You’re essentially saying: “I have no control.” And once you internalize that belief, you stop growing. You miss opportunities. You alienate those who might otherwise help you. You are basing your life on various assumptions about what “should be” rather than what “is”. This also makes you seem powerless. Always Acting Like a Victim

68. No law firm wants to promote or retain someone who is constantly talking about how they’ve been wronged—by prior employers, clients, colleagues, or the system itself. It drags down morale and signals a lack of resilience. Always Acting Like a Victim

69. Law is a profession that rewards ownership, responsibility, and forward motion. If you can’t accept where you are and take charge of your next step, you’ll be passed over every time for someone who can. Always Acting Like a Victim

70. People are attracted to and want to be around those who are self-directing, have power over themselves and do not drag others down with stories about how bad the world and others are. Employers want to hire people who can make things happen. Always Acting Like a Victim

71. And the truth is, some of the most inspiring people in the world are people who have overcome great obstacles and misfortunes to become extremely successful. They’ve been through trauma, loss, discrimination, addiction, poverty—but they didn’t stay there. They used their challenges as fuel, not as excuses. Always Acting Like a Victim

72. Attorneys who take responsibility for their lives—regardless of what has happened to them—stand out. They lead. They inspire. And they build reputations based on strength, not self-pity. Always Acting Like a Victim

73. If you find yourself constantly telling stories where you are the victim, it may be time to rewrite your narrative. Because the legal world doesn’t reward victims. It rewards problem-solvers, fighters, and those who take full ownership of their path forward. Always Acting Like a Victim

74. 4. Do Not Take Things So Personally

75. In the legal profession—where egos run high, tempers flare, and criticism is often blunt—it’s incredibly easy to take things personally. Many attorneys do. Do Not Take Things So Personally

76. They internalize every offhand comment from a partner, every negative review from a client, and every silence after a networking event as a reflection of their worth. And that kind of thinking can slowly destroy your confidence and career. Do Not Take Things So Personally

77. Many people become incredibly unhappy and unfulfilled based on things outside of their control. Most people who are unhappy and difficult to be around think that every negative thing that happens to them is about them (and not the other person). Do Not Take Things So Personally

78. In reality, most people are far more concerned about themselves than you at all. Very little that people say often applies directly to you. If you see everything as a reflection of yourself, your self-worth is coming from somewhere external. Do Not Take Things So Personally

79. Attorneys who take everything personally tend to live in a heightened state of defensiveness. They second-guess themselves. They hold grudges. They build narratives around slights that never actually happened. Do Not Take Things So Personally

80. And worst of all, they react emotionally in environments that require calm, objective thinking. This damages relationships with colleagues, makes them difficult to manage, and causes their careers to plateau. Do Not Take Things So Personally

81. Years ago, I took a girlfriend of mine to party in a large townhouse in New York City. The girl having the party was not too friendly (to anyone) and, as we were walking away getting a cab, my girlfriend asked: “Why do you think she was so rude to me?” “I do not think she was just rude to you. I think she was rude to everyone. In any event, she probably thought she was richer and better than you or something.” Do Not Take Things So Personally

82. To my astonishment, my girlfriend went absolutely ballistic. She started screaming at me, called me various names and in no uncertain terms told me that she was much higher class than me. She then proceeded to rattle off the names of several of her wealthy relatives and why they were so great. Do Not Take Things So Personally

83. My girlfriend back then took my statements about the party host (who simply was not very nice) very personally and made it 100% about herself. In reality, the host and my actions had nothing to do with her. Do Not Take Things So Personally

84. This kind of reaction is common among people with low self-esteem. They take things that have nothing whatsoever to do with them very personally. And attorneys with this mindset can sabotage even the best professional environments. Do Not Take Things So Personally

85. Instead of focusing on legal work, they obsess over office politics, comments in meetings, or who did or didn’t acknowledge them in an email. Their energy gets misdirected, and their performance suffers. Do Not Take Things So Personally

86. If you take every piece of feedback, every firm policy, or every passing comment as a personal attack, you will burn bridges, alienate allies, and constantly feel under threat. This isn’t sustainable. Do Not Take Things So Personally

87. In general, if people are very insulting to you and put you down (or otherwise do things to upset you), it is about them and not you. They are the ones with a problem. Do not let their issues drag you down and create problems for you. When confronted with their nastiness, just walk away. Do Not Take Things So Personally

88. If you want to succeed and be someone people enjoy working with, you need emotional resilience. You need the ability to separate who you are from what others say or do. Do Not Take Things So Personally

89. Because in law, the people who thrive are not the ones who take everything personally. They’re the ones who stay centered, calm, and focused—no matter how chaotic the world around them may be. Do Not Take Things So Personally

90. One of the most important lessons you can learn as an attorney is this: very little of what happens around you is actually about you. And even if it is, it often doesn’t matter. Do Not Take Things So Personally

91. The more successful you become, the more you’ll need to master the ability to stay centered and not take things personally—especially in high-pressure, competitive environments like law firms, courtrooms, and client boardrooms. Do Not Take Things So Personally

92. Years ago, I was in the asphalt business. As part of this, I used to go to a factory to pick up hundreds of gallons of asphalt sealer every few days. There would traditionally be a line of trucks towing tanks at the plant each day having their tanks filled up. Do Not Take Things So Personally

93. There was an older man who had been in the asphalt business for 40+ years who generally would cut the line and drive right past a row of waiting trucks to the front of the line. He had been in the business a long time and felt he deserved the respect of others there. Do Not Take Things So Personally

94. At least a couple of times per year, someone who did not understand the ways of the plant (and was new to the business) would get out of their truck and start yelling, swearing and fighting with the old man. When this occurred, others in line (who gave the older man respect) would all hop out of their trucks and come to the old man’s defense. Do Not Take Things So Personally

95. These screaming (and in a few cases “pushing”) matches would go on for several minutes and would always end with the person who challenged the old man being forced to apologize (or, if not, he would storm away from the plant). Do Not Take Things So Personally

96. What was interesting about this was that the old man was cutting the line for reasons that had to do with him. It never had anything to do with the people who got upset about it. The people who got upset were taking it personally. Do Not Take Things So Personally

97. This kind of dynamic plays out constantly in the legal profession. A partner doesn’t respond to your email. A colleague is short with you in a meeting. A client questions your recommendation. Do Not Take Things So Personally

98. It’s easy to internalize these things, to assume they’re an attack on your competence or worth. But most of the time, they’re not about you at all. The partner may be overwhelmed. The colleague may be dealing with pressure at home. The client may just be trying to protect their own interests. Do Not Take Things So Personally

99. Most things are generally not about you. Even if they are, it is irrelevant. As an adult in the working world, your self-esteem and identity should be such that you know exactly who you are and where you are going (even if someone insults you). Do Not Take Things So Personally

100. Attorneys who take everything personally are constantly thrown off course. They lose focus. They let emotions guide their decisions. Do Not Take Things So Personally

101. But those who learn to stay grounded—those who can separate their identity from the noise around them—develop a kind of quiet strength. That strength makes them reliable under pressure, resilient in the face of criticism, and respected by clients and colleagues alike. Do Not Take Things So Personally

102. In the end, your success in law won’t just come from your ability to argue, research, or write. It will come from your ability to remain calm, composed, and inwardly secure—no matter what’s happening outside of you. Do Not Take Things So Personally

103. 5. Not Having Empathy for Others

104. One of the most dangerous characteristics an attorney—or any professional—can have is a lack of empathy. In a field as adversarial and competitive as law, empathy is often mistaken for weakness. Not Having Empathy for Others

105. But the opposite is true: it’s one of the most powerful traits an attorney can develop. Without it, you risk not only damaging others—but ultimately undermining your own career. Not Having Empathy for Others

106. There are many people out there who have a complete lack of concern and feeling for others. They are more than happy to tear others down, make others feel bad about themselves, humiliate others anonymously online in a cowardly way, or just be plain cruel to others because they have the opportunity to do so. Not Having Empathy for Others

107. This kind of behavior is not just unethical—it’s toxic. And while it may appear to grant temporary power or superiority, it always backfires in the long run. People remember how you make them feel. And in the legal world, your reputation—especially your character—follows you everywhere. Not Having Empathy for Others

108. One of the best ways to judge people is by how they treat others beneath them. In restaurants I have often been with people who constantly leave very low tips and treat servers horribly. Not Having Empathy for Others

109. I have seen people demean others who are working for them as maids, gardeners and so forth. I have known women that took pleasure in humiliating men and men who took pleasure in demeaning women. Not Having Empathy for Others

110. As an attorney, how you treat staff, assistants, paralegals, junior associates, receptionists, and even opposing counsel matters more than you may realize. Firms are watching. Clients are watching. And the people around you are forming opinions that will shape your future opportunities. Not Having Empathy for Others

111. When I see others who treat other people horribly and talk poorly about others, it upsets me. It makes me believe that these people will do the same to me (and they usually do). Not Having Empathy for Others

112. Years ago, I had an employee working for me that took pleasure going onto blogs and writing anonymous (and cruel) comments about other lawyers and his former law firm. I never thought much of it, but I remember it made me uncomfortable. Years after he stopped working for me, he started doing the same thing to me and tried to do damage to me. Not Having Empathy for Others

113. This is always how it works. If someone has a pattern of cruelty toward others, it’s only a matter of time before that behavior is turned on you. People with a lack of empathy will eventually damage every relationship they’re a part of—professional or personal. Not Having Empathy for Others

114. If you have a mean streak in you and like to hurt others, others will see you as toxic and avoid you. This will end up doing far more harm to you in the long run than it is worth. Not Having Empathy for Others

115. In law, empathy is not just about being kind. It’s about understanding clients’ needs, building real relationships, earning trust, and working effectively in teams. Not Having Empathy for Others

116. The best attorneys can see through others’ eyes. They can anticipate concerns, navigate difficult personalities, and defuse conflict—not escalate it. Those are the attorneys who build lasting careers. Not Having Empathy for Others

117. If you want to be successful in this profession—not just on paper, but in life—learn to put yourself in the other person’s position. Develop empathy. Lead with compassion. Because in the end, your ability to elevate others will define how far you go. Not Having Empathy for Others

118. Conclusion

119. Your Behavior Is Your Brand—Change It, and You Change Everything In your legal career—and your life—how you make others feel will determine the trajectory of your success far more than your résumé, your pedigree, or even your raw intelligence. Conclusion

120. The most accomplished attorneys I’ve known are not just brilliant legal minds—they are people others want to be around. They lift others up, not drag them down. They take responsibility, not refuge in blame. They project confidence, not insecurity. They bring calm, not chaos. Conclusion

121. Toxic behaviors—whether it’s needing constant validation, thinking like a victim, radiating negativity, lacking empathy, or taking everything personally—may seem small in the moment, but over time, they compound. They corrode your relationships, your reputation, and your professional momentum. They turn opportunities into obstacles and push away the very people who could help you grow. Conclusion

122. But the good news is this: every behavior that pushes people away can be unlearned. Every mindset that limits you can be replaced. Self-awareness is the beginning, and intentional change is the path forward. Conclusion

123. In law, where the stakes are high and the pressures relentless, those who master themselves are the ones who ultimately master the game. The most powerful move you can make isn’t in the courtroom or the boardroom—it’s in choosing to become the kind of person others trust, respect, and want to support. Conclusion

124. Because when others believe in you, everything changes . But it starts with how you show up, every day, when no one is watching. Conclusion

125. QUESTIONS?