851D27D3-6FE8-4D93-A17B-0B9E84EA2C92_NVC Conference Setting Loving Boundaries.pdf

NVC Conference Setting Loving Boundaries

1. Setting Loving Boundaries
Yvette Erasmus, PsyD

2. www.yvetteerasmus.com
Orienting …
•Teaching, followed by Q&A and applications
•Write questions/comments in the chat
•Choice: Journal or discuss in pairs/small groups
•Meet your needs for choice and sovereignty
•Brave Space of Self-Discovery

3. What questions do you have
about setting loving
boundaries?
Share in Chat

4. What makes boundary setting
hard, challenging or confusing
for you?
Share in Chat

5. What makes boundary setting
hard, challenging or confusing
for you?
Share in Chat

6. www.yvetteerasmus.com
Share:
•How well do you protect and care for yourself?
•How well do you protect and care for others as you set those
boundaries?
•What’s the difference between making demands and having
boundaries?

7. www.yvetteerasmus.com
Why are Boundaries Important
Distinguish between settling
for good enough choices, as
opposed to meaningful, life-
affirming and energizing
choices.
What do you need to prune
and weed in your
relationships?
Prevent Harm

8. www.yvetteerasmus.com
Why are Boundaries Important
To protect and guard your
heart, mind and soul’s well-
being
•What choices would help you
protect and guard your well-
being?
Protective

9. www.yvetteerasmus.com
Self-Care Landscape: Range
What behaviors, experiences, structures and agreements …
•Will you welcome into your space given your values?
•Are you willing to work with in your space even though you
don’t like it, given your values?
•Won’t you allow in your space, given your values?

10. www.yvetteerasmus.com
Setting Boundaries in Various Situations
•What are the costs of not setting this boundary?
•What are the benefits of setting the boundary?
•What are all the possible next steps I could take that
represent honoring and treasuring myself? (possibilities!!!!!!)

12. Boundaries vs Demands
•“I” focus
•Aim to foster trust, clarity and safety
•Express needs, desires and wants
•Doesn’t ask the other person to
change their values, identity or
beliefs, just to treat yours with
dignity and respect
•Nurtures interdependence
•“You” focus
•Aim to foster power and control
•Express conditions and threats
•Requires the other to adjust their
values, identity or beliefs
•Nurtures either merging or
fragmentation
A boundary is clarity about what behaviors from yourself and others you're willing
to work with, and what your response will be if certain behaviors continue.
A demand expects someone else to change their behavior.

13. A boundary is clarity about what behaviors from yourself and
others you're willing to work with, and what your response will
be if certain behaviors continue.
A demand focuses on exerting pressure to get someone else to
change their behavior.

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Readiness Checklist
•You’re setting the boundary as an act of self-care and integrity,
not to try to change the other person.
•You’re willing and able to work with the person as they are and
accept that adults are “allowed” to have any response they
choose.
•You understand they will likely keep doing the this behavior
regardless of your boundary, at least initially and you’re doing
this to take care of yourself.
•You are committed to following through on the boundary and
to fielding the potential consequences of setting it.

15. www.yvetteerasmus.com
Non-Negotiable Boundaries
•State your values/principles/needs
•State what you want
•State what you will do if they aren’t able or willing to give you
want you want/need

16. www.yvetteerasmus.com
Intention: Protective
•Protective: Use enough “force” to protect the well-being of
both people, honoring their choices and self-sovereignty
while keeping everyone safe.
•Punitive: Use psychological aggression and withdrawal
tactics to make others uncomfortable (afraid, hurt etc.) so that
they do want you want, or comply to what you think is best
from a place of superiority (“it’s for their own good.” )

17. Gentle/Light Style
Firm/Heavy Style
Punitive Intent Protective Intent
Coaching
Learning
Growing
Dialogue
Guiding
Scaffolding
Reinforcing
Leading
Covert
Control
Manipulation
Overt
Control
Aggression
Style and Intent: Context Matters

18. www.yvetteerasmus.com
Make peace with …
•Sometimes we will disappoint people. That doesn’t mean
we’ve done something wrong.
•Sometimes, people will feel hurt or angry. Don’t confuse
being hurt, with being harmed.
•Sometimes, people will increase pressure on you. Stay
grounded in your values and principles.

22. Thank you
www.yvetteerasmus.com