Attraction & Close Relationship

1. PS28A
Interpersonal Attraction
&
Close Relationship

2. Communication & Relational Dynamics
For communication to have
meaning it must have a life. It
must transcend “you” and “me”
and become “us” … In a small
way, we then grow out of our
old selves and become
something new
(Hugh Prather)

3. Introduction
•Why do we find it important and sometimes
even compelling to form relationships?
•Why are we attracted to some people more
than others?

4. Definition - Attraction
•Interpersonal Attraction is defined as the
evaluation one person makes of another
along a dimension that ranges from strong
liking to strong dislike
(Baron & Byrne, 2000)

5. Definition - Attraction
Attraction depends on :
•The person who is doing the evaluation;
•The similarities and differences between the
evaluator and the person evaluated;
•The situational context in which they are
interacting

6. Reasons for Building Close Relationships
•The need for affiliation – a desire to
establish and maintain relationships with
others (Wong & Csikzentimihalyi, 1991)
•Affiliation provides:
–Emotional support
–Attention
–Opportunity

7. Reasons for Building Close Relationships
•The need for intimacy - a desire for close
and affectionate relationships in which
personal information is disclosed and
sharing occurs (McAdams, 1982)
•Intimacy with friends and lovers involves
sharing and disclosing personal information

8. Emotions that block us from forming
relationships
Loneliness
•It is a subjective experience and not
dependent on the number of people we have
surrounding us;
•Our feelings of loneliness are strongly
influenced by how we evaluate our personal
relationship (Peplau & Perlman, 1982).

9. Emotions that block us from forming
relationships
Social Anxiety
•Is a feeling of discomfort that arises from a
person’s expectations of negative encounters with
others (Leary, 1983). Tendencies include:
–sensitivity and fearfulness of disapproval and criticism
–Foresee negative outcomes to anticipated social
interactions which arouses anxiety
–Fear of being evaluated by otehrs

10. Attachment and Close Relationships
•The patterns we have in our relationships largely
grow from habits learnt from our earliest
relationships. Patterns of attachment styles evolve
into working models

•Working Model - mental representation of what
an individual expects to happen in a close
relationship (Shaver, Hazan & Bradshaw, 1988).

11. Theories on Attraction
•Reward theory
•The degree of attraction we feel toward
another person varies according to the
frequency with which that person rewards
us (Theodore Newcomb, 1961)

12. Theories on Attraction
How are we rewarded?
•Simply being near people we like is
rewarding (physical proximity)
•When others agree with our ideas
(similarity)
•When others fulfill our needs
(Complementarity)

13. Theories on Attraction
Reinforcement-affect theory
•This theory builds on the basic principles of
learning (classical conditioning)
–We associate positive affect with people and
events that are rewarding to us
–We associate negative affect with those that are
distasteful to us

14. Factors That Influence Attraction
Physical Proximity
•Propinquity, physical proximity or physical
immediacy is an important determinant of
attraction, especially at the beginning of a
relationship. It facilitates:
–Familiarity: constant exposure to the person
–Opportunity for interaction: increase chance for
attraction

15. Factors That Influence Attraction
Similarity
•Similarity in attitudes, beliefs, interests,
personality and even physical appearance
strongly influences the likelihood of
interpersonal attraction, not in number of
similar attitudes but the proportion and
importance of similar attitudes.

16. Factors That Influence Attraction
Complementarity
•When each partner’s characteristics satisfy
the other’s needs (opposites attract).
Example, partners agree that one will
exercise control over certain areas (money)
and the other will take the lead in different
ones (house décor)

17. Factors That Influence Attraction
Competence
•We like to be around those who are skilled,
talented, or intelligent, probably because we
hope display their level of talent, have their
skill.

18. Factors That Influence Attraction
Physical Attractiveness
•Research shows that we find physical attractive
people more appealing than unattractive people, at
least on initial contact (Eagly, et al 1991).
•Dimensions of Physical Attractiveness
–Facial expression: facially attractive people are seen
(perceived as warm, honest)
–Physique: we hold notions of which bodily attributes
are attractive

19. Factors That Influence Attraction
Reciprocal Attraction
•We are attracted to people who we believe
are attracted to us
•Conversely, there are people who you don’t
like who likes you (and vice versa).
•Reciprocal liking builds attractiveness and
people who approve of us bolster our
feelings of self esteem.

20. Factors That Influence Attraction
Disclosure
•Revealing important information about
yourself gives another the opportunity to
how similar you are, which can build liking.
•Not all disclosure leads to liking. If sharing
is poorly timed, results can be negative.

21. Evaluating Relationships
Social Exchange theory
•It is described as an economic model of
relationships as it looks at the rewards vs
costs that you have in a relationship.

22. Evaluating Relationships
Social Exchange Theory (con’t)
•How people feel about the relationship
depends on their perceptions of
–The rewards and cost of the relationship,
–The kind of relationship they deserve, and
–Their chances of having a better relationship
with someone else.

23. Intimacy
Largely when we use the word intimacy or
intimate we refer specifically to a close
sexual relationship.
The concept of intimacy, however, is much
broader. It varies in meaning from one
relationship to another

24. Intimacy
Intimacy may include:
•Disclosing secrets/sharing feelings (JoHari
Window)
•Spending time together
•Having sexual intercourse

25. Dimensions of Intimacy
Intimacy has several dimensions including:
•Physical
•Intellectual
•Emotional

26. Dimensions of Intimacy
•Physical
One example is the relationship between a fetus
and its mother. At this stage the unborn child
develops a closeness with its mothers and at birth
it continues – breast feeding, bathing, constantly
held and hugged.
Other examples?

27. Dimensions of Intimacy
•Intellectual Intimacy
This takes place when one person engages
another in an exchange of important ideas.
From the discussion, which can be powerful
and exciting, a type of bonding takes place.

28. Dimensions of Intimacy
•Emotional Intimacy
Involves the sharing of important feelings.
Is it possible to experience emotional
intimacy from our “chat room” encounters?

29. Dimensions of Intimacy
•Shared Activities
When partners spend time together, they
can develop unique ways of relating that
transform the relationship from an
impersonal one to a personal one.

30. Factors Influencing Intimacy
•Emotional Expression vs. Doing
Previously it was held that women are
better at developing and maintaining
intimate relationships than men. Do you
agree?
(J.T. Wood & C.C. Inman, 1995, “In a
Different Mode: Masculine Styles of
Communicating Closeness”)

31. Factors Influencing Intimacy
•Timing and Meaning of Sex
Differing ideas along this factor can lead to
misunderstanding as it is shown that:
•Women think of sex as a way to express
intimacy that has already developed
•Men are more likely to see it as a way to
create that intimacy

32. Models of Relational
Development and Maintenance
Dialectical Perspectives
•Some theorists argue that communicators
seek important but incompatible goals
throughout virtually all their relationships.
The struggle to achieve these goals creates
dialectical tensions: conflicts that arise
when two opposing or incompatible
forces exist.

33. Dialectical Tensions
1.Connection vs. Autonomy
•We seek out involvement with
others but at the same time we
do not want to sacrifice our entire
identity to even the most
satisfying relationship.

34. Dialectical Tensions
2.Predictability vs. Novelty
•Stability is an important need in
relationship but too much can lead to
feelings of staleness. The
predictability-novelty dialectic reflects
the tension of knowing your spouse so
well that it can lead to boredom.

35. Dialectical Tensions
3.Openness vs. Privacy
•Intimacy is one characteristic of
interpersonal relationship. Yet, along
with the drive for intimacy, we have an
equal need to maintain some space
between ourselves and others. These
conflicting needs create the openness-
privacy dialectic.

36. Dialectical Tensions –
Strategies to Manage Them
1.Denial
•In this strategy, communicators
respond to one end of the
dialectical spectrum and ignore
the other.

37. Dialectical Tensions
2.Disorientation
•Communicators feel so overwhelm and
helpless that they are unable to
confront their problems. In the face of
a dialectical problem, they may freeze,
fight or leave the relationship.

38. Dialectical Tensions
3.Alternation
•This strategy is used when
individuals choose one end of the
dialectical spectrum at some
times and the other at other
times.

39. Dialectical Tensions
4.Balance
•Individuals who use balance strategy
recognize that both forces are
legitimate and try to manage them
through compromise – which is
inherently a situation where
everybody loses at least a little of
what he or she wants.

40. Dialectical Tensions
5.Recalibration
•Communicators respond to dialectic
challenges by reframing them so that
the apparent contradiction disappears.
E.g. change in thinking can transform
your attitude from loving someone in
spite of your differences to loving that
person because of these differences.

41. Dialectical Tensions
5.Reaffirmation
•This strategy acknowledges that the
dialectical tensions will never
disappear. Instead of trying to let
them disappear, reaffirmation
communicators accept – or even
embrace – the challenges that the
tensions present.

42. Kahlil Bilbran, The Prophet
Love one another, but make not a bond of
love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the
shores of your soul.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from
one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat
not of the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each one of you be alone.
Even as the strings of a lute are alone
though they quiver with the same
music.

43. Self Disclosure in Relationships
Degrees of Self Disclosure
•Depending on the breadth and depth of
information shared, a relationship can be
defined as casual or intimate.
–Breadth of information given – the range of
subjects covered
–Depth of information given – the shift from
relatively non-revealing messages to more
personal ones

44. Reasons for Self-Disclosure
Self clarification
•Sometimes you clarify your beliefs,
opinions, thoughts, feelings and attitudes by
talking about them with another

45. Reasons for Self-Disclosure
Catharsis
• You self disclose “to get it off your chest”.
In a moment of candor you might reveal
your regrets for behaving so badly in the
past

46. Reasons for Self-Disclosure
Relationship Maintenance
• Research shows a strong relationship
between the quality of self disclosure and
marital satisfaction (Fincham & Bradbury,
1989)

47. Reasons for Self-Disclosure
Reciprocity
• You may choose to disclose information
about yourself to encourage another person
to do so – but do this responsibly as the
other may not follow suit.

48. Guidelines for Self Disclosure
Is the other person important to you
•Is the person someone you have an ongoing
relationship with so sharing will deepen this
relationship; or is it someone you relate to
on a less personal level but you see a
chance for it to grow closer – disclosing
may be the path to develop that personal
relationship

49. Guidelines for Self Disclosure
Is the risk of disclosing reasonable
•Even if the probable results are great,
opening yourself to almost certain rejection
may be asking for trouble.
•On the other hand, knowing your partner is
trustworthy and supportive makes the
prospect of speaking out more reasonable.

50. Guidelines for Self Disclosure
Is the disclosure relevant to the situation at
hand
•The kind of disclosure that is often a
characteristic of highly personal
relationships usually isn’t appropriate in
less personal settings.

51. Guidelines for Self Disclosure
Are the amount and type of disclosure
appropriate
•Gradual disclosure makes better
relationship.
•Sharing too much too soon can lead to
negative outcomes

52. Alternatives to Self Disclosure
•Lying – reasons include to save face; avoid
tension or quarrel (white lie)
•Equivocating – language with two or more
meanings
•Hinting – more direct than equivocal
statements; seeks to get a desired response
without embarrassing the receiver