I'm OK, You're OK, by Thomas A Harris MD
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May 02, 2012
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About This Presentation
I'm OK, You're OK, by Thomas A Harris MD, is one of the best selling self-help books ever published. It is a practical guide to Transactional Analysis as a method for solving problems in life. From its first publication during 1967, the popularity of I'm OK, You're OK gradually incre...
Slide Content
I’m OK,
You're OK
Thomas Harris
You're OK
Thomas Harris
EQ ©
Introduction Y ©
e Transactional Analysis
e Ego States
e Four Life Positions
e Stroking
e Transactions
e Change
Introduction Y ©
e Transactional Analysis
e Ego States
e Four Life Positions
e Stroking
e Transactions
e Change
Transactional Analysis ©
Freud, Penfield, & Berne
e Freud's Sex & Ego
+ Id Birth Pleasure
e Ego By3 Reality
e Superego By5 Moral
Preconscious
Superego
Ego”
Unconscious
ld
Freud, Penfield, & Berne
e Freud's Sex & Ego
+ Id Birth Pleasure
e Ego By3 Reality
e Superego By5 Moral
Preconscious
Superego
Ego”
Unconscious
ld
) (2)
Transactional Analysis 9 ©
Freud, Penfield, & Berne
e Penfield’s Electrodes
e The Brain is a Recorder
+ Feelings are permanently locked to
associated Experiences
e People can exist in two states — in an
Experience and Observing it
e Recorded Experiences & Feelings can be
Replayed & Relived
e Ever hear music or conversations in
your head? Ever felt déja vu?
Transactional Analysis 9 ©
Freud, Penfield, & Berne
e Penfield’s Electrodes
e The Brain is a Recorder
+ Feelings are permanently locked to
associated Experiences
e People can exist in two states — in an
Experience and Observing it
e Recorded Experiences & Feelings can be
Replayed & Relived
e Ever hear music or conversations in
your head? Ever felt déja vu?
Transactional Analysis ©
Freud, Penfield, & Berne
e Eric Berne
+ Transactional Analysis — social intercourse
+ Transactional Stimulus
+ Transactional Response
e Ego states - Parent, Adult, Child
+ Four Life Positions
+ Time Structuring
e The Goal is Autonomy
e Release or recovery of:
+ Awareness
+ Spontaneity
+ Intimacy
Freud, Penfield, & Berne
e Eric Berne
+ Transactional Analysis — social intercourse
+ Transactional Stimulus
+ Transactional Response
e Ego states - Parent, Adult, Child
+ Four Life Positions
+ Time Structuring
e The Goal is Autonomy
e Release or recovery of:
+ Awareness
+ Spontaneity
+ Intimacy
990
9090
Transactional Analysis
e A Language of Psychology
+ A Model of Regularities for explaining why and how:
+ People think like they do
+ People act like they do
+ People interact/communicate with others like the do
e A Tool - Parent, Adult, & Child
+ Anew meaning against traditional ones
e They all apply to every transaction
» Normal people oscillate between them
e Freedom of choice in communicating with people
e Languaging — getting an idea from A to B is as
important as getting an idea
9090
Transactional Analysis
e A Language of Psychology
+ A Model of Regularities for explaining why and how:
+ People think like they do
+ People act like they do
+ People interact/communicate with others like the do
e A Tool - Parent, Adult, & Child
+ Anew meaning against traditional ones
e They all apply to every transaction
» Normal people oscillate between them
e Freedom of choice in communicating with people
e Languaging — getting an idea from A to B is as
important as getting an idea
=
/
oMo
Transactional Analysis 9 ©
e Structural Analysis
+ Individual personality
e Transactional Analysis
+ What people do and say to one another
e Game Analysis
e Ulterior transactions leading to a payoff
e Script Analysis
+ Specific life dramas compulsively played
out
/
oMo
Transactional Analysis 9 ©
e Structural Analysis
+ Individual personality
e Transactional Analysis
+ What people do and say to one another
e Game Analysis
e Ulterior transactions leading to a payoff
e Script Analysis
+ Specific life dramas compulsively played
out
) (2)
Transactional Analysis 9 ©
- in Management
e Simple Language
Non-Threatening Self Analysis
Existing Success in Organisations
Built in Humour
Appropriate for “Normal” People
Useful at Work & Home
Personality Theory simplified
Motivation Theory simplified
A Leadership Style
A Training Tool
An aid in dealing with Conflict Problems
Transactional Analysis 9 ©
- in Management
e Simple Language
Non-Threatening Self Analysis
Existing Success in Organisations
Built in Humour
Appropriate for “Normal” People
Useful at Work & Home
Personality Theory simplified
Motivation Theory simplified
A Leadership Style
A Training Tool
An aid in dealing with Conflict Problems
Ego States
990
Does not mean responsible
Does not mean mature
Does not mean childish
9090
990
Does not mean responsible
Does not mean mature
Does not mean childish
9090
(90,0)
Ego States
Recording of External Events
Taught Concept of Life
(© 9 ©)
Ego States
Recording of External Events
Taught Concept of Life
(© 9 ©)
Ego States
(90,0)
Recording of External Events
Taught Concept of Life
Recording of Internal Events
Felt Concept of Life
(© 9 ©)
(90,0)
Recording of External Events
Taught Concept of Life
Recording of Internal Events
Felt Concept of Life
(© 9 ©)
Ego States
Parent
birth to 5
Adult
10 months on
Child
birth to 5
(90,0)
Recording of External Events
Taught Concept of Life
Recording of Data acquired &
computed through exploration &
testing
Thought Concept of Life
Recording of Internal Events
Felt Concept of Life
©OO
Parent
birth to 5
Adult
10 months on
Child
birth to 5
(90,0)
Recording of External Events
Taught Concept of Life
Recording of Data acquired &
computed through exploration &
testing
Thought Concept of Life
Recording of Internal Events
Felt Concept of Life
©OO
) (2)
050
Ego States 9 ©
Critical Lecturing, Judging, Traditions, Criticizing, Should & Don’t
Parent
Nurturing
Parent
Consoling, Sympathy, Advising, Guides, Taking Care Of
Objective, Data, Rational, Problem Solving, Less Emotion
Manipulative, Submissive, Conform To Adult Expectations
Adapted
Child
Natural
Child
Playful, Impulsive, Curious, Creative, Fun, Rebel
050
Ego States 9 ©
Critical Lecturing, Judging, Traditions, Criticizing, Should & Don’t
Parent
Nurturing
Parent
Consoling, Sympathy, Advising, Guides, Taking Care Of
Objective, Data, Rational, Problem Solving, Less Emotion
Manipulative, Submissive, Conform To Adult Expectations
Adapted
Child
Natural
Child
Playful, Impulsive, Curious, Creative, Fun, Rebel
86
0-0
Ego States 90
Critical
Parent
e Can't you turn in a
report on time just
once?
+ What? It takes 1
week to answer an
email?
e I’m surprised at you.
The quality of this
work is terrible.
0-0
Ego States 90
Critical
Parent
e Can't you turn in a
report on time just
once?
+ What? It takes 1
week to answer an
email?
e I’m surprised at you.
The quality of this
work is terrible.
(90,0)
(0:00)
Ego States
Nurturing
Parent
e I’m only trying to
help you
e Let me clean up that
desk for you
e You've done a good
job
(0:00)
Ego States
Nurturing
Parent
e I’m only trying to
help you
e Let me clean up that
desk for you
e You've done a good
job
Ego States ©
e What are the
alternatives
+ Can't we reach
some sort of
agreement?
e What consequences
will this action have?
e What are the
alternatives
+ Can't we reach
some sort of
agreement?
e What consequences
will this action have?
Ego States
e Anything you say
sir.
e Sorry, I'l try to
improve.
+ What would we do
without you?
Goo
Oo 0)
e Anything you say
sir.
e Sorry, I'l try to
improve.
+ What would we do
without you?
Goo
Oo 0)
8-6
0-0
Ego States 90
e Nobody follows that
rule anyway
e Forget about it. He
is just the boss
e Let's take off work
today. Who wants to
work Friday
afternoon anyway?
Natural
Child
0-0
Ego States 90
e Nobody follows that
rule anyway
e Forget about it. He
is just the boss
e Let's take off work
today. Who wants to
work Friday
afternoon anyway?
Natural
Child
Ego States
1. Parent
(archaic)
Exteropsychic
Neopsychic
Computer
3.Child
(archaic)
Archeopsychic
Decisions
Probability Estimating
990
9090
1. Parent
(archaic)
Exteropsychic
Neopsychic
Computer
3.Child
(archaic)
Archeopsychic
Decisions
Probability Estimating
990
9090
Ego States
Updated validated Parent data
Updated Adult data
Updated appropriate Child data
Parent
(archaic)
=.
€
5
a
S
Ss
S
fay
Child
(archaic)
REALITY
990
9090
Updated validated Parent data
Updated Adult data
Updated appropriate Child data
Parent
(archaic)
=.
€
5
a
S
Ss
S
fay
Child
(archaic)
REALITY
990
9090
Ego States
OE ©
Ego States 9 ©
We need all Ego States — dropping one
means 2/3 human potential
States, and not Roles
Realities
Unedited recordings
What the child understood at the time
— differs from reality?
e TA is like sorting your mind into
drawers
Ego States 9 ©
We need all Ego States — dropping one
means 2/3 human potential
States, and not Roles
Realities
Unedited recordings
What the child understood at the time
— differs from reality?
e TA is like sorting your mind into
drawers
) (2)
Ego States — Parent Clues 90
/ * Physical
/ + Furrowed brow, pursed lips, pointing
| finger, head wagging, horrified look, foot
tapping, hands on hips, arms folded,
wringing hands, tongue licking, sighing,
patting another on the head, & other
individual ones
Ego States — Parent Clues 90
/ * Physical
/ + Furrowed brow, pursed lips, pointing
| finger, head wagging, horrified look, foot
tapping, hands on hips, arms folded,
wringing hands, tongue licking, sighing,
patting another on the head, & other
individual ones
)
/
) ©
Ego States — Parent Clues YU
e Verbal
Stupid, naughty, ridiculous, disgusting, shocking,
lazy, poor thing, sonny, honey, ridiculous,
disgusting, now what, not again,
How dare you?
I'm going to put a stop to this
I can't for the life of me..
Now always remember...
If I were you..
How many times..
The use of “always” & “never”
The use of “should” & “ought”
/
) ©
Ego States — Parent Clues YU
e Verbal
Stupid, naughty, ridiculous, disgusting, shocking,
lazy, poor thing, sonny, honey, ridiculous,
disgusting, now what, not again,
How dare you?
I'm going to put a stop to this
I can't for the life of me..
Now always remember...
If I were you..
How many times..
The use of “always” & “never”
The use of “should” & “ought”
oMo
Ego States — Child Clues 90
/ * Physical
/ + Tears, quivering lips, pouting, temper
| tantrum, high pitched whining, rolling eyes,
shrugging shoulders, downcast eyes,
teasing, laughter, delight, hand raising, nail
biting, squirming, giggling
Ego States — Child Clues 90
/ * Physical
/ + Tears, quivering lips, pouting, temper
| tantrum, high pitched whining, rolling eyes,
shrugging shoulders, downcast eyes,
teasing, laughter, delight, hand raising, nail
biting, squirming, giggling
oMo
Ego States — Child Clues 90
) e Verbal
/ e I wish, I want, I dunno, I don't care, I
| guess, when I grow up, bigger, biggest,
better, best, look no hands
e Why, what, where, who, when, & how are
the Adult operating in the little person
Ego States — Child Clues 90
) e Verbal
/ e I wish, I want, I dunno, I don't care, I
| guess, when I grow up, bigger, biggest,
better, best, look no hands
e Why, what, where, who, when, & how are
the Adult operating in the little person
) (2)
Osa 0
Ego States — Adult Clues 90
+ Physical
/ + Continual movement of the face, eyes,
| body
+ Non movement is non listening — cultural?
+ Head tilted is listening with an angle
e Adult allows the curious & excited child to
show it’s face
Osa 0
Ego States — Adult Clues 90
+ Physical
/ + Continual movement of the face, eyes,
| body
+ Non movement is non listening — cultural?
+ Head tilted is listening with an angle
e Adult allows the curious & excited child to
show it’s face
990
990
Ego States — Adult Clues
e Verbal
e Why, what, where, who, when, & how
+ How much, in what way, true, false,
comparative, probable, possible, unknown,
objective, I think, I see, it is my opinion
990
Ego States — Adult Clues
e Verbal
e Why, what, where, who, when, & how
+ How much, in what way, true, false,
comparative, probable, possible, unknown,
objective, I think, I see, it is my opinion
OE ©
Ego States 9 ©
e Parent
e Prejudicial views (not based on logic or facts) on things
such as: religion, dress, salespeople, traditions, work,
products, money, raising children, companies
e Nurturing views: sympathetic, caring views
+ Critical views: fault finding, judgmental, condescending
views
e Adult
e Thoughts, feelings, attitudes, behavioral patterns based
on objective analysis of information (data, facts)
e Make decisions based on logic, computations,
probabilities, etc., not emotion
+ Child
+ Thoughts, feelings, attitudes, behavioral patterns based
on child-like emotions, impulses, feelings we have
experienced
+ Child-like examples: Ein, self-centered, an
Ss
fearful, happy, pleasure seeking, rebellious, Curi fhe
eager to please
Ego States 9 ©
e Parent
e Prejudicial views (not based on logic or facts) on things
such as: religion, dress, salespeople, traditions, work,
products, money, raising children, companies
e Nurturing views: sympathetic, caring views
+ Critical views: fault finding, judgmental, condescending
views
e Adult
e Thoughts, feelings, attitudes, behavioral patterns based
on objective analysis of information (data, facts)
e Make decisions based on logic, computations,
probabilities, etc., not emotion
+ Child
+ Thoughts, feelings, attitudes, behavioral patterns based
on child-like emotions, impulses, feelings we have
experienced
+ Child-like examples: Ein, self-centered, an
Ss
fearful, happy, pleasure seeking, rebellious, Curi fhe
eager to please
OE ©
Ego States 9 ©
e All are present
e All have value
+ Child — intuition, creativity, spontaneous drive, enjoyment
e Adult — survival, dealing with the world, mediate Parent &
Child
e Parent — parent of children, automatic responses
+ One is usually dominant
+ Different States for different communications
e Different States for different people
e Message sent and received from different States
+ How people say something (what others hear) is just
as important as what is said
+ Parent runs on ‘old tapes’ — 20+ years old
Ego States 9 ©
e All are present
e All have value
+ Child — intuition, creativity, spontaneous drive, enjoyment
e Adult — survival, dealing with the world, mediate Parent &
Child
e Parent — parent of children, automatic responses
+ One is usually dominant
+ Different States for different communications
e Different States for different people
e Message sent and received from different States
+ How people say something (what others hear) is just
as important as what is said
+ Parent runs on ‘old tapes’ — 20+ years old
009
009
ITIONS
Four Life Pos
IOOUDS - YHIG |e!90g
SunoJ]s - ung ¡eo1BojoyoÁsg
SulyjeaJg - yHIg ¡eo!sÁyd
uoldeouo9 - UuIg Jeln¡¡99
Age 5
EEE ment
009
ITIONS
Four Life Pos
IOOUDS - YHIG |e!90g
SunoJ]s - ung ¡eo1BojoyoÁsg
SulyjeaJg - yHIg ¡eo!sÁyd
uoldeouo9 - UuIg Jeln¡¡99
Age 5
EEE ment
Four Life Positions
e I’m not OK
e I’m not OK
e I'm OK
e I'm OK
990
990
You're OK
You're not OK
You're not OK
You're OK
e I’m not OK
e I’m not OK
e I'm OK
e I'm OK
990
990
You're OK
You're not OK
You're not OK
You're OK
) (2)
Four Life Positions Y ©
+ ImnotOK - You're OK
Every Child — even happy childhood ones
Happens around the age of 2 — first 3 positions
Happens due to on 8 off Stroking
This position has hope as there is Stroking from the
You're OK position
The first understanding or equilibrium
Built on the appraisals of others
Tf this is not confirmed or settled it give rise to the next 2
positions
Unless changed to the 4* position it remains lifelong
People do not shift back and forth
The first 3 positions are non verbal — conclusions vs. the
4% position of explanation
Results in “Mine is Bigger” game for relief of this unjust
position
I’m not OK comes from Adaptive Child
However, everyone is born OK — a baby is in fact perfect
Four Life Positions Y ©
+ ImnotOK - You're OK
Every Child — even happy childhood ones
Happens around the age of 2 — first 3 positions
Happens due to on 8 off Stroking
This position has hope as there is Stroking from the
You're OK position
The first understanding or equilibrium
Built on the appraisals of others
Tf this is not confirmed or settled it give rise to the next 2
positions
Unless changed to the 4* position it remains lifelong
People do not shift back and forth
The first 3 positions are non verbal — conclusions vs. the
4% position of explanation
Results in “Mine is Bigger” game for relief of this unjust
position
I’m not OK comes from Adaptive Child
However, everyone is born OK — a baby is in fact perfect
Four Life Positions
e Imnot OK - You're not OK
+ Slowing Stroking and Increasing Punishments
+ Longs to be an infant again
+ Loses interest in living
+ In Autism this may be the first position
+ Possibly 1%
990
990
e Imnot OK - You're not OK
+ Slowing Stroking and Increasing Punishments
+ Longs to be an infant again
+ Loses interest in living
+ In Autism this may be the first position
+ Possibly 1%
990
990
) (2)
Four Life Positions Y ©
/ e ImOK - You're not OK
/ + Abused child
e I’m OK comes from being OK when alone
e Strikes back when older
e No matter what they do the fault is with
Others
e Will not believe future Strokes from others,
as are Not OK
The ultimate expression here is Homicide
4% of Cases, two facing each other a big
problem
Four Life Positions Y ©
/ e ImOK - You're not OK
/ + Abused child
e I’m OK comes from being OK when alone
e Strikes back when older
e No matter what they do the fault is with
Others
e Will not believe future Strokes from others,
as are Not OK
The ultimate expression here is Homicide
4% of Cases, two facing each other a big
problem
) (2)
Four Life Positions Y ©
e ImOK - You're OK
+ People live out their positions
me 4t position is the only real way forward — only
lope
It is a Position not a Feeling
Includes infinitely greater amount of data than the
others
Includes eos and things not yet
experience:
The only Conscious and Verbal Position
The only Proactive (not Reactive) Position
Cannot Guarantee instant OK feelings but can
switch off Feelings from past Positions
First 3 is Why? 4% is Why Not?
Can accept uncertainty unlike the other 3 -
rationalise
+ We can change - Thinking is separate from Cause
& Effect
Data Processing Order — Parent, Child, Adult
Goal is the Emancipated Adult — Freedom to Choose
Four Life Positions Y ©
e ImOK - You're OK
+ People live out their positions
me 4t position is the only real way forward — only
lope
It is a Position not a Feeling
Includes infinitely greater amount of data than the
others
Includes eos and things not yet
experience:
The only Conscious and Verbal Position
The only Proactive (not Reactive) Position
Cannot Guarantee instant OK feelings but can
switch off Feelings from past Positions
First 3 is Why? 4% is Why Not?
Can accept uncertainty unlike the other 3 -
rationalise
+ We can change - Thinking is separate from Cause
& Effect
Data Processing Order — Parent, Child, Adult
Goal is the Emancipated Adult — Freedom to Choose
) (2)
Four Life Positions 9 ©
OK
| Pm not ok, you're ok I’m ok, you're ok
) -ve Adaptive Child All states +ve
Get Away From Get on with
Introjective Position Ideal Position
You
I’m not ok, you're not ok Pm ok, you're not ok
-ve Adaptive Child 8. -ve Critical Parent
Critical Parent
Get nowhere Get rid of
Futility Position Projective Position
Not OK
Four Life Positions 9 ©
OK
| Pm not ok, you're ok I’m ok, you're ok
) -ve Adaptive Child All states +ve
Get Away From Get on with
Introjective Position Ideal Position
You
I’m not ok, you're not ok Pm ok, you're not ok
-ve Adaptive Child 8. -ve Critical Parent
Critical Parent
Get nowhere Get rid of
Futility Position Projective Position
Not OK
) (2)
Four Life Positions ORO
y About oneself — Higher is Adult, lower is Child
/ + Ican think for myself
+ I’m worth knowing
+ I'm stupid
+ I’m worthless
e About others — Higher is Adult, lower is Parent
e People can be trusted
+ Everyone has good points
+ People are bad
e Everyone is incompetent
Four Life Positions ORO
y About oneself — Higher is Adult, lower is Child
/ + Ican think for myself
+ I’m worth knowing
+ I'm stupid
+ I’m worthless
e About others — Higher is Adult, lower is Parent
e People can be trusted
+ Everyone has good points
+ People are bad
e Everyone is incompetent
) (2)
Four Life Positions Y ©
e You're OK for children comes from Stroking
e I’m Not OK is also with happy children; happy
children = parents unconditional love
e Knowing the positions does not mean feeling
OK; but you can make bad feelings go away
e I’m OK does not mean I’m perfect
e Treat a person the way they are and they will
become worse; treat them as their potential
and they will be as they should be
Four Life Positions Y ©
e You're OK for children comes from Stroking
e I’m Not OK is also with happy children; happy
children = parents unconditional love
e Knowing the positions does not mean feeling
OK; but you can make bad feelings go away
e I’m OK does not mean I’m perfect
e Treat a person the way they are and they will
become worse; treat them as their potential
and they will be as they should be
oMo
Stroking 9 ©
Need Solitude
e Positive Strokes
Negative Strokes
Conditional Strokes
Comfort Zone
Need Strokes
The types of Strokes you seek depend
on your Okayness
No Strokes is the worst
+ The worst punishment in Prisons is Solitary
Confinement
Stroking 9 ©
Need Solitude
e Positive Strokes
Negative Strokes
Conditional Strokes
Comfort Zone
Need Strokes
The types of Strokes you seek depend
on your Okayness
No Strokes is the worst
+ The worst punishment in Prisons is Solitary
Confinement
oMo
Stroking 9 ©
+ Positive Strokes
/ + Praise, complements, recognition, affection,
f rewards, sympathy, consolation, self-satisfaction
from job well done
+ Negative Strokes
e Put-downs, criticism, degrading, ridicule, scolding,
punishment, discounting
+ Conditional Strokes
+ Strokes with Ulterior Motives
e Strokes given for what you do, rather than for what
you are:
+ Performance oriented strokes
+ Accommodation & conformity oriented strokes
Stroking 9 ©
+ Positive Strokes
/ + Praise, complements, recognition, affection,
f rewards, sympathy, consolation, self-satisfaction
from job well done
+ Negative Strokes
e Put-downs, criticism, degrading, ridicule, scolding,
punishment, discounting
+ Conditional Strokes
+ Strokes with Ulterior Motives
e Strokes given for what you do, rather than for what
you are:
+ Performance oriented strokes
+ Accommodation & conformity oriented strokes
oMo
Stroking 9 ©
e Physical from parents, partners
e Psychological from teachers, friends, partners,
acquaintances, managers
e Physical Strokes early in life move to
Psychological Strokes later
e Positive for Being
. SCENES: Karen. Morning, John, you're looking very
smart.
e Positive for Doing
e “This report is excellent.”
e Negative for Being
e “Why are you so unhelpful ?”
e Negative for Doing
+ “You're late again.”
Stroking 9 ©
e Physical from parents, partners
e Psychological from teachers, friends, partners,
acquaintances, managers
e Physical Strokes early in life move to
Psychological Strokes later
e Positive for Being
. SCENES: Karen. Morning, John, you're looking very
smart.
e Positive for Doing
e “This report is excellent.”
e Negative for Being
e “Why are you so unhelpful ?”
e Negative for Doing
+ “You're late again.”
oMo
Stroking 9 ©
e Maslow lists ‘optimum stimulation’ with food &
water as a primary need
+ Stoking mostly comes from people — charity
baskets do not fill hungry hearts
e We will get Strokes one way or another - like
in the case of starvation
e Most common way getting strokes is Games
e One source is reliving Stroking from the past
— think of a hobby & it will mostly connect to
someone
e People entering a room always have a
question: “How do I get Strokes around here”
+ Some people need more than others
+ Scientists may need only one a year
Stroking 9 ©
e Maslow lists ‘optimum stimulation’ with food &
water as a primary need
+ Stoking mostly comes from people — charity
baskets do not fill hungry hearts
e We will get Strokes one way or another - like
in the case of starvation
e Most common way getting strokes is Games
e One source is reliving Stroking from the past
— think of a hobby & it will mostly connect to
someone
e People entering a room always have a
question: “How do I get Strokes around here”
+ Some people need more than others
+ Scientists may need only one a year
oMo
Stroking 9 ©
Stroking is needed and seeked daily by most
of us
Relationships get reliable Stroking
Need to see the whole person to be able to
give Positive Strokes — specially the Child
However beware of “Peda Throwing”
While we give Strokes, understand that others
also ‘need’ to give Strokes
People in grief do not need advice or material
— they need you
Listening is one of the biggest strokes
Stroking 9 ©
Stroking is needed and seeked daily by most
of us
Relationships get reliable Stroking
Need to see the whole person to be able to
give Positive Strokes — specially the Child
However beware of “Peda Throwing”
While we give Strokes, understand that others
also ‘need’ to give Strokes
People in grief do not need advice or material
— they need you
Listening is one of the biggest strokes
4
Stroking - Relationships
Stroking - Relationships
) (2)
Stroking - Forms 9 ©
1. Eye Contact
+ lookto validate
2. Listen
+ empathically at the other person’s pace
3. Ask Questions
e keeping the other in mind
4. Use Names
e to validate the individual
5. Give Yourself Away
e risk a real conversation or encounter
6. Be À Rewarder
+ thank you, letters, compliments — do it today
Stroking - Forms 9 ©
1. Eye Contact
+ lookto validate
2. Listen
+ empathically at the other person’s pace
3. Ask Questions
e keeping the other in mind
4. Use Names
e to validate the individual
5. Give Yourself Away
e risk a real conversation or encounter
6. Be À Rewarder
+ thank you, letters, compliments — do it today
) (2)
O0
Stroking - Forms 9 ©
7. Carry an Address Book, Postcard, & Pen
e never lose travel or waiting time
8. Plan
. ie things happen to planners (bird on a
si
9. Don’t Allow Discounting
e reinstate a hello or other transaction
10. Loosen Up
e humour diffuses any situation (kiss kid)
11. Doers Do, and Tryers Try
e new feelings only come out of action
12. Don’t Be Over Numerous in Your Intentions
+ one call vs. a list of 99 that you will call in the
year
O0
Stroking - Forms 9 ©
7. Carry an Address Book, Postcard, & Pen
e never lose travel or waiting time
8. Plan
. ie things happen to planners (bird on a
si
9. Don’t Allow Discounting
e reinstate a hello or other transaction
10. Loosen Up
e humour diffuses any situation (kiss kid)
11. Doers Do, and Tryers Try
e new feelings only come out of action
12. Don’t Be Over Numerous in Your Intentions
+ one call vs. a list of 99 that you will call in the
year
Transactions
©OO
COO
©OO
COO
990
990
Transactions
Complimentary Crossed Ulterior
POO POD
HOO 000
OD COO
Coon (one
Expected Response Produce Conflict Non Verbal
No Conflict Stop Communication Psychological Level
Hurt Feelings
Social Level
—
990
Transactions
Complimentary Crossed Ulterior
POO POD
HOO 000
OD COO
Coon (one
Expected Response Produce Conflict Non Verbal
No Conflict Stop Communication Psychological Level
Hurt Feelings
Social Level
—
3-8
00
Transactions - Complementary 8-6
e Appropriate & Expected response
e Parallel communication arrows
e No Conflict
e Communication continues
SES.
SA
. What time do you have? E
2. I've got 11:15 2,
You're late again
I'm sorry, it won't happen again
00
Transactions - Complementary 8-6
e Appropriate & Expected response
e Parallel communication arrows
e No Conflict
e Communication continues
SES.
SA
. What time do you have? E
2. I've got 11:15 2,
You're late again
I'm sorry, it won't happen again
) (2)
050
Transactions 9 ©
Critical Lecturing, Judging, Traditions, Criticizing, Should & Don’t
Parent
Nurturing
Parent
Consoling, Sympathy, Advising, Guides, Taking Care Of
Objective, Data, Rational, Problem Solving, Less Emotion
Manipulative, Submissive, Conform To Adult Expectations
Adapted
Child
Natural
Child
Playful, Impulsive, Curious, Creative, Fun, Rebel
050
Transactions 9 ©
Critical Lecturing, Judging, Traditions, Criticizing, Should & Don’t
Parent
Nurturing
Parent
Consoling, Sympathy, Advising, Guides, Taking Care Of
Objective, Data, Rational, Problem Solving, Less Emotion
Manipulative, Submissive, Conform To Adult Expectations
Adapted
Child
Natural
Child
Playful, Impulsive, Curious, Creative, Fun, Rebel
EQ ©
O0
Transactions - Crossed Y ©
+ Not Appropriate & not Expected response
e Crossed communication arrows
+ Conflict
+ Communication breakdown
What time do you have? You're late again
The clock is on the wall for you to see 2. | know, | had a flat tire
O0
Transactions - Crossed Y ©
+ Not Appropriate & not Expected response
e Crossed communication arrows
+ Conflict
+ Communication breakdown
What time do you have? You're late again
The clock is on the wall for you to see 2. | know, | had a flat tire
) (2)
050
Transactions 9 ©
Critical Lecturing, Judging, Traditions, Criticizing, Should & Don’t
Parent
Nurturing
Parent
Consoling, Sympathy, Advising, Guides, Taking Care Of
Objective, Data, Rational, Problem Solving, Less Emotion
Manipulative, Submissive, Conform To Adult Expectations
Adapted
Child
Natural
Child
Playful, Impulsive, Curious, Creative, Fun, Rebel
050
Transactions 9 ©
Critical Lecturing, Judging, Traditions, Criticizing, Should & Don’t
Parent
Nurturing
Parent
Consoling, Sympathy, Advising, Guides, Taking Care Of
Objective, Data, Rational, Problem Solving, Less Emotion
Manipulative, Submissive, Conform To Adult Expectations
Adapted
Child
Natural
Child
Playful, Impulsive, Curious, Creative, Fun, Rebel
EQ ©
(0
Transactions - Ulterior 9 ©
Disguised Communication
+ Non Verbal communication arrows
e May or may not be in conflict
e May or may not be communication breakdown
mo) À e SS eS
The Sale ends tomorrow Please come into my office
2. I'll have one of those 2. l'ma little busy right now
(0
Transactions - Ulterior 9 ©
Disguised Communication
+ Non Verbal communication arrows
e May or may not be in conflict
e May or may not be communication breakdown
mo) À e SS eS
The Sale ends tomorrow Please come into my office
2. I'll have one of those 2. l'ma little busy right now
) (2)
050
Transactions 9 ©
Critical Lecturing, Judging, Traditions, Criticizing, Should & Don’t
Parent
Nurturing
Parent
Consoling, Sympathy, Advising, Guides, Taking Care Of
Objective, Data, Rational, Problem Solving, Less Emotion
Manipulative, Submissive, Conform To Adult Expectations
Adapted
Child
Natural
Child
Playful, Impulsive, Curious, Creative, Fun, Rebel
050
Transactions 9 ©
Critical Lecturing, Judging, Traditions, Criticizing, Should & Don’t
Parent
Nurturing
Parent
Consoling, Sympathy, Advising, Guides, Taking Care Of
Objective, Data, Rational, Problem Solving, Less Emotion
Manipulative, Submissive, Conform To Adult Expectations
Adapted
Child
Natural
Child
Playful, Impulsive, Curious, Creative, Fun, Rebel
) (2)
Transactions Y ©
Direct or Indirect
e Speaking so a third person can overhear
+ I wonder if the boss knows that he is upsetting
people
e Straightforward of Diluted
e Half hostile and half affectionate
+ Hey genius, when are you going to finish this book?
e Intense or Weak
+ Superficial or lack of feeling
+ Whatever you say
Gallows Transactions
e Amusement at a persons misfortune
e Reinforces negative behaviour
e Losers game
Transactions Y ©
Direct or Indirect
e Speaking so a third person can overhear
+ I wonder if the boss knows that he is upsetting
people
e Straightforward of Diluted
e Half hostile and half affectionate
+ Hey genius, when are you going to finish this book?
e Intense or Weak
+ Superficial or lack of feeling
+ Whatever you say
Gallows Transactions
e Amusement at a persons misfortune
e Reinforces negative behaviour
e Losers game
=
/
EQ ©
Transactions - Differences Y ©
e We differ in 2 ways
+ Content of Parent, Adult, & Child
e Function of Parent, Adult, & Child
+ Contamination
+ Exclusion
e Ideally Parent, Adult, & Child should be
separate
e Smooth transitions between the three
e Too rigid means slow people
+ Too fast means unpredictable
/
EQ ©
Transactions - Differences Y ©
e We differ in 2 ways
+ Content of Parent, Adult, & Child
e Function of Parent, Adult, & Child
+ Contamination
+ Exclusion
e Ideally Parent, Adult, & Child should be
separate
e Smooth transitions between the three
e Too rigid means slow people
+ Too fast means unpredictable
(90,0)
Transactions
Differences - Contamination
Parent
birth to 5
> Prejudice (parents beliefs)
Adult
=> Delusion (grounded in fear)
Hallucination (abuse as child)
Child
birth to 5
Decontaminate your Adult
[0.0 0)
Transactions
Differences - Contamination
Parent
birth to 5
> Prejudice (parents beliefs)
Adult
=> Delusion (grounded in fear)
Hallucination (abuse as child)
Child
birth to 5
Decontaminate your Adult
[0.0 0)
) (2)
Transactions ome
Differences - Exclusion
e Parent contaminated
Adult with blocked
= out Child
e A person who
cannot play
e Unhappy and
controlled childhood
Transactions ome
Differences - Exclusion
e Parent contaminated
Adult with blocked
= out Child
e A person who
cannot play
e Unhappy and
controlled childhood
© ©
Transactions | 9 2
Differences - Exclusion
e Child contaminated
Adult with blocked
out Parent
en ° A person without a
conscience
e Extremely brutal
Parents
e No remorse
+ Can bea
Psychopath
Transactions | 9 2
Differences - Exclusion
e Child contaminated
Adult with blocked
out Parent
en ° A person without a
conscience
e Extremely brutal
Parents
e No remorse
+ Can bea
Psychopath
EQ ©
Transactions 0510
Differences - Exclusion 9 ©
e Blocked out or
decommissioned
Adult
° Out of touch with
reality
+ Conflicting info gives
up on being Adult
e Psychotic
e Can be Manic-
Depressive
Transactions 0510
Differences - Exclusion 9 ©
e Blocked out or
decommissioned
Adult
° Out of touch with
reality
+ Conflicting info gives
up on being Adult
e Psychotic
e Can be Manic-
Depressive
) (2)
O0
Transactions ORO
Differences - Programming
Adult using
Q Parent Programming
——
© ©. Adult rejecting
@ == Parent or Child
Programming
a ©
® — Adult using
(one) Child Programming
O0
Transactions ORO
Differences - Programming
Adult using
Q Parent Programming
——
© ©. Adult rejecting
@ == Parent or Child
Programming
a ©
® — Adult using
(one) Child Programming
) (2)
Transactions Y ©
e Being in one State evokes a response
from a Complimentary State — Child
evokes Parent
e In a Conflict, first compliment the
other's State and then move both to
Adult
e Discounting is a big crossed transaction
e Ulterior happens when one is hiding
the Parent or Child
e TA encourages Honesty vs. Ulterior
Transactions Y ©
e Being in one State evokes a response
from a Complimentary State — Child
evokes Parent
e In a Conflict, first compliment the
other's State and then move both to
Adult
e Discounting is a big crossed transaction
e Ulterior happens when one is hiding
the Parent or Child
e TA encourages Honesty vs. Ulterior
) (2)
Transactions - Tips at Work 9 ©
D - How I see them: e How they see
/ themselves:
e Boss: Critical Parent + Boss: Nurturing
Parent
e Peers: Nurturing e Peers: Adults
Parents
+ Support Staff: Most + Support Staff:
Natural Children, Mostly consider
some Adapted themselves Adults
Children, few Adults except some admit
to being Natural
Children
Transactions - Tips at Work 9 ©
D - How I see them: e How they see
/ themselves:
e Boss: Critical Parent + Boss: Nurturing
Parent
e Peers: Nurturing e Peers: Adults
Parents
+ Support Staff: Most + Support Staff:
Natural Children, Mostly consider
some Adapted themselves Adults
Children, few Adults except some admit
to being Natural
Children
990
9900
Transactions - Tips at Work
e Try mostly to keep Adult to Adult
e Do not get your Parent or Child “Hooked”
° Do divert into Natural Child to Natural Child
sometimes
+ Holidays, sport, music, etc
e Don't get into Critical Parent to Adaptive Child
+ “You haven't given me any reason for...”
e Nor Nurturing Parent to Adaptive Child
e “If I were your boss, I would agree...”
e “I agree, threshold assessment is nonsense”
+ Certainly, don't do Adaptive Child to Nurturing
Parent (with a hidden third party Critical
Parent)
. cuil sorry I have to ask this, but the .... demands
e Nor Critical Parent to Critical Parent
e “I agree, young people today are illiterate”
9900
Transactions - Tips at Work
e Try mostly to keep Adult to Adult
e Do not get your Parent or Child “Hooked”
° Do divert into Natural Child to Natural Child
sometimes
+ Holidays, sport, music, etc
e Don't get into Critical Parent to Adaptive Child
+ “You haven't given me any reason for...”
e Nor Nurturing Parent to Adaptive Child
e “If I were your boss, I would agree...”
e “I agree, threshold assessment is nonsense”
+ Certainly, don't do Adaptive Child to Nurturing
Parent (with a hidden third party Critical
Parent)
. cuil sorry I have to ask this, but the .... demands
e Nor Critical Parent to Critical Parent
e “I agree, young people today are illiterate”
OE ©
Change 9 ©
+ What makes People Want to Change?
j e Pain
+ They are hurt sufficiently
+ They have invested in the same slot machines
without any returns for a long time
+ They are severely ill and want relief
e Boredom
+ “So what” becomes “there is more to life than
this”
e Enlightenment
+. Im OK - You're OK is the only Proactive
Position to initiate change
Change 9 ©
+ What makes People Want to Change?
j e Pain
+ They are hurt sufficiently
+ They have invested in the same slot machines
without any returns for a long time
+ They are severely ill and want relief
e Boredom
+ “So what” becomes “there is more to life than
this”
e Enlightenment
+. Im OK - You're OK is the only Proactive
Position to initiate change
OE ©
Change ORO
We are not helpless even though we
feel we are
When we are responsible (response
able) then we can change
If we are part of the problem then we
can be part of the answer
We cannot change others; others
change only when we change ourselves
— start with yourself
Change ORO
We are not helpless even though we
feel we are
When we are responsible (response
able) then we can change
If we are part of the problem then we
can be part of the answer
We cannot change others; others
change only when we change ourselves
— start with yourself
=
/
) (2)
Change - Requirements YU
e Wanting comes first
. eus Child participation — Want instead of Have
(e)
Positives work, negatives don't
e New Year's don'ts — replace with something first
+ Dos are exhilarating, don’ts are depriving
Have a Reward in sight
+ Continuous ones — not only a big one at the end
A new Internal Model
e If parents are not good enough pick & be another
e We change a little at a time
. a change over time becomes large (airplane 1
eg
e Record your Gains
+ The Child likes to see progress - proof
/
) (2)
Change - Requirements YU
e Wanting comes first
. eus Child participation — Want instead of Have
(e)
Positives work, negatives don't
e New Year's don'ts — replace with something first
+ Dos are exhilarating, don’ts are depriving
Have a Reward in sight
+ Continuous ones — not only a big one at the end
A new Internal Model
e If parents are not good enough pick & be another
e We change a little at a time
. a change over time becomes large (airplane 1
eg
e Record your Gains
+ The Child likes to see progress - proof
=
/
oMo
Change - Requirements 9 ©
e Change produces Loss as well as Gain
e We feel Loss before Gain
e Freedom & Responsibility is related
e Have Options
+ Nothing in life is sure
+ Otherwise you will go back
° Get Help
+ One and Only, None and Lonely
e Be shown where to look, not what to see — magic
answers
+ TA does not work, you do
e The Power of a Habit
+ Time saving
+ Energy repeatedly applied or we do the old way
/
oMo
Change - Requirements 9 ©
e Change produces Loss as well as Gain
e We feel Loss before Gain
e Freedom & Responsibility is related
e Have Options
+ Nothing in life is sure
+ Otherwise you will go back
° Get Help
+ One and Only, None and Lonely
e Be shown where to look, not what to see — magic
answers
+ TA does not work, you do
e The Power of a Habit
+ Time saving
+ Energy repeatedly applied or we do the old way
Change - Requirements 9 ©
Brain Physiology
Each nerve cell produces 20 mv of power
Brain Cell Neuron | Synapse
jumps avg 100 times a second
Dendride
receiving wire
Axon
sending wire
Nucleus Boutons eceptors
«More Boutons (upto 80,000) = less energy needed = Habits
«We do not lose our Boutons, but we can build new ones
«For this we need Energy
Brain Physiology
Each nerve cell produces 20 mv of power
Brain Cell Neuron | Synapse
jumps avg 100 times a second
Dendride
receiving wire
Axon
sending wire
Nucleus Boutons eceptors
«More Boutons (upto 80,000) = less energy needed = Habits
«We do not lose our Boutons, but we can build new ones
«For this we need Energy
) (2)
Change - Requirements 9 ©
) e Energy
/ e Energy creates new Habit pathways
| e Change takes energy — see Stress
situations
e Avoid too many changes at once
+ Concentrate it (10 units of energy on cake)
e Energy comes from people — strokes
Change - Requirements 9 ©
) e Energy
/ e Energy creates new Habit pathways
| e Change takes energy — see Stress
situations
e Avoid too many changes at once
+ Concentrate it (10 units of energy on cake)
e Energy comes from people — strokes
) (2)
Summary 9 ©
e Transactional Analysis
e Ego States
e Four Life Positions
e Stroking
e Transactions
e Change
Summary 9 ©
e Transactional Analysis
e Ego States
e Four Life Positions
e Stroking
e Transactions
e Change
) (2)
Summary 9 ©
’ « There are many lessons here...
e The first three are:
1. Bein your Adult !
2. Be in your Adult !!
3. Be in your Adult !!!
Summary 9 ©
’ « There are many lessons here...
e The first three are:
1. Bein your Adult !
2. Be in your Adult !!
3. Be in your Adult !!!
Q Q
O0
Recommended Reading
1. I’m OK, You're OK
+ Dr. Thomas Harris
2. Staying OK
+ Dr. Thomas Harris
3. Games People Play
e Dr. Eric Berne
O0
Recommended Reading
1. I’m OK, You're OK
+ Dr. Thomas Harris
2. Staying OK
+ Dr. Thomas Harris
3. Games People Play
e Dr. Eric Berne
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