Jokes For Magazine

1. -A teacher is talking to a student.
Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
-What does a spider do when it gets angry?
It goes up the wall.
-What kind of noise annoys a noisy oyster?
A noisy noise annoys a noisy oyster.
-A: "I was born in California."
B: "Which part?"
A: "All of me."
-The mother says to her daughter, "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
The daughter answers, "First day? Do you mean I have to go back again
tomorrow?"
-Principal: "I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all of your teachers.
What have you been doing?"
Johnny: "Nothing, sir."
Principal: "Exactly!"
-A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a
boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
-The patient says, "Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea."
The doctor says, "Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink."
mug = cup
-The patient says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. Nobody ever listens to me.
No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.
The doctor says, "Next, please."

2. -A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. When I touch my
knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really
hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you. You've broken your finger!"
-A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad
news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
-Two children are talking.
A: Meet my new born brother.
B: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name?
A: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.
-An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day
of school.
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I
will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home”.
-A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
-A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then
she hung up.

3. "Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours.
What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.