Khushwant singh's joke book 5

Here you go for the hero of humar Khushwant Singh and his endless eternal jokes....

3. Khushwant

Si
ngh, hum
ouri
s
t
,
racont
eur, edi
t
o
r, short
-
st
ory
wri
t
e
r, novel
i
s
t
,
com
m
e
nt
at
or, has earned
a
new
accolade
— "the m
a
ster spinner of jokes." He has been
cl
ubbed
t
oget
h
er
wi
t
h
B
i
rbal
, Tenal
i
R
a
m
a
n and Gopal

B
hore
as
one
of Indi
a'
s al
l
t
i
m
e great
hum
ouri
s
t
s
. Hi
s
ability
to
m
a
ke Indians laugh at them
selves, and at their
own foi
b
l
e
s, has earned hi
m
a readershi
p
and fan
fol
l
o
wi
ng t
h
at
i
s
unparal
l
e
l
e
d.
As Indi
a'
s best
known journal
i
s
t
and sy
ndi
cat
ed
co
lu
m
n
ist, h
e
is ad
m
i
red
an
d
lam
b
asted
in

eq
u
a
l
m
easure
because of his
often irreverent and
cont
roversi
a
l
vi
ews. However, even hi
s st
aunchest

critics ag
ree th
at h
e
is em
in
en
tly read
ab
le.
Born in 1915, Khushwant Si
ngh
received his education
i
n
Lahore, Del
h
i
and London. Aft
e
r a bri
e
f
l
a
w
pract
i
ce
at
Lahore Hi
gh C
ourt
and a st
i
n
t
wi
t
h
t
h
e
M
i
ni
st
ry

of
Ex
tern
al
Affairs,
h
e
sh
o
t
to
literary fam
e
with
h
i
s
award-wi
nni
ng novel

Trai
n t
o
Paki
st
an
and t
h
e t
w
o-
vol
um
ed
Hi
st
ory of
t
h
e Si
khs.
He di
st
i
ngui
shed
hi
m
s
el
f
as editor of
The Illustrated Weekly of India
(1969-
1979), and
The Hi
ndust
an Ti
mes
(1980-1983).
M
a
st
er craft
s
m
a
n of hi
s art
,
Khushwant
Si
ngh l
i
v
es i
n

Delhi and continues to "hold a m
i
rror
to
our
face
...
frank, but
not
venom
ous, fearl
e
ss but
not
i
n
t
i
m
i
d
at
i
ng.'
'

5. CHANDIGARH OR JALANDHAR
Santa was flying to Chandigarh from Pune. He was
allotted a middle seat but decided to take the window seat
instead, which had been allotted to an old lady.
The lady requested Santa to exchange the seats and let
her sit on the seat allotted to her. He refused, saying, 'I
want to see the view from the window.' The old lady
complained to the air hostess who requested Santa to sit
on his allotted middle seat. Santa was adamant and
bluntly refused.
The air hostess went up to the co-pilot. He too came
and requested Santa, but in vain.
Finally, the captain of the aircraft came. He whispered
something in Santa's ears. Santa immediately vacated the
window seat and took the middle seat.
Astonished, the air hostess and the co-pilot asked the
captain what he had said to Santa. The captain replied:
'Nothing, I just told him that only the middle seats will go
to Chandigarh. All others were going to Jalandhar.'
Contributed by Jyotica Sikand, New Delhi
9

6. B
R
I
G
H
T
IDEA

Just m
a
rried, Sukhwant had bad news
for
her
husband
when he returned hom
e from
his day
's work. 'I feel so
sorry
,'

Sukhwant
said
with
a sob, '
I
was pressing y
our best
suit and burnt a hole in the seat of the trousers.'

'D
on'
t worry
, darling,'
said the husband am
orously
,
'I

have another pair of trousers to m
a
tch that suit.'

'Y
es, I know,'
Sukhwant replied. '
Y
ou'
re lucky
that
y
ou have. Thanks to that, I was able to patch up the hole!'

Contributed by Shashank Shekhar, New Mumbai

RIDDLE

Santa and Banta m
e
t on a
village
road.
Santa
was
carry
ing
a large gunny
bag over his shoulder.

'O
ye,
Santa,'
hailed Banta, '
w
hat is in the bag?'

'M
urgiyan
— Chickens,' cam
e the reply
.

'If I guess how m
a
ny
, can I have one?
' asked Banta

'Y
ou can have both of them
.'

'OK,' said Banta, 'five.'

Contributed by Jyotica Sikand, New Delhi


G
R
E
E
D
UNLIMITED

Lala Garib Chand was a
wealthy

zamindar.
He asked his
maneem
(accountant) to add
up
all he owned and how
long it could last. The
muneem
added up all his assets and
assured
him

that
it would certainly
hold out till the
traditional
saat pusht
— seven generations. Far
from

being relieved Lala Ga
rib Chand looked m
o
re
disconsolate
than
before
and
with a great sigh of sorrow
exclaim
e
d,
Hai!

Hamaaree aathveen pusht ka kya hogaV
(Oh! What will happen to
our eighth generation?)

Contributed by UK. Malhotra, New Delhi


INDIA — THE NEW
MILLENNIUM

Cheer up m
y
son, buck up m
y
boy
,

You are living in '
T
he Land of Joy
'. You go to
school where they
do not teach,

In the House of God, they
hatred preach. If y
ou
have m
e
rit, y
ou will sigh and sob,

If y
ou are backward, y
ou m
i
ght get a job. Out of
caste, if y
ou dare to wed,

Your kith and kin will chop y
our head. If y
ou are
honest, in north or in south,

You will live from
hand to m
outh. If y
ou
are wily
and y
our m
eans sinister,

You are likely
to becom
e
a chief m
i
nister. But
r
e
me
mb
e
r
t
h
e
n
e
w
ma
x
i
m,
my
l
a
d
,

Defection is good, conversion is bad.

Contributed by G.C. Bhandari, Meerut

7. LIKE MOTHER,
LIKE DAUGHTER

While being interviewed an actress was asked whether she intended to get m
a
rried in the near future.

The lady
replied, '
N
ever, I will follow in the
footsteps of m
y
m
o
ther. Like her, I will rem
a
in single.'

Contributed by J.P. Singh Kaka, Bhopal

LABOUR WOES

The Indian and Cuban labour
m
i
nisters were in the m
i
dst of a m
eeting.

Cuban
labour
m
i
nister: '
L
abour problem
s in our nation
produce hundreds of ty
pes of tensions for m
e
.'

Indian labour m
i
nister: '
T
hat'
s nothing.
Labour
problem
s in our nation produce 50,000 babies every
day
.
'
HAND BAGGAGE

Uijaagar
boarded
a crowded bus with a bagful of
purchases.
There was no vacant seat. As the old bus
rattled and sway
ed, he supported
him
self
precariously
,
holding
the bag in one hand, the other hand holding the
bar provided near the ceiling.

'T
icket ... ticket ... ticket,'
the conductor m
a
de several
rounds past Ujaagar. His wallet in his hip pocket and
both
hands engaged, Ujaagar didn'
t know what to do.

'T
icket, Sardarji,'
the conductor asked
again.
Ujaagar
thrust
the
bag into the conductor'
s hand and struggled to
take
the wallet out, when the conductor protested: T can'
t

be carry
ing passengers' baggage like this — I'm

the
conductor, after all!'

'O
kay
,

then give m
e
the bag, and here, will y
ou please
hold the bar,'
replied Ujaagar.

Contributed by S.A. Baseer, Hyderabad


NEW INVENTION

■
Santa said to Santa, T have invented a
new
kind
of
com
puter which behaves like a hum
an being.'

'In what way
?
' asked Santa.

'Whenever it m
a
kes a m
i
stake,' replied Banta,
'it
blam
es other com
puters.'

Contributed by J.P. Singh Kaka, Bhopal

WHAT A CHEAP ...!

Banta went to a cheap restaurant to have
dinner.
He
ran
into his friend Ram
Lai who was working
there
as
a
waiter.

'Ram
Lai, aren't y
ou asham
ed of working in this third-
class restaurant?
' he asked.

T m
a
y
work in a third-class restaurant,'
replied
Ram

Lai, '
but I don'
t eat in one like y
ou.'

Contributed by J.P. Singh Kaka, Bhopal

8. CATCH THEM ...!

An Englishm
an, an Am
erican, and a Sardarji were
called
upon to test a lie detector.

The Englishm
an said, T think I can em
pty
20
bottles
of
beer.'

BUZZZZZ went the lie detector.

'OK,'
he said, '10 bottles.' And the m
achine was
silent.

, .

The Am
erican said, 'I think I can eat 15 ham
burgers.'

BUZZZZZ went the lie detector.

'A
lright, 8 ham
burgers.'
And the m
achine was silent.

The Sardarji said, ‘I think ...'

BUZZZZZ went the m
achine!

Contributed by Hardip Kaur Sandhu, Denmark

SMART MOVE

Rakesh: '
B
roken off y
our engagem
e
nt to Meena?'

Mahesh: '
S
he would not have m
e
.'

Rakesh: '
Y
ou should have told her about y
our rich
uncle in Bom
b
ay
.'

Mahesh: T did. She is m
y
aunt now.'

Contributed by Kesava Prasad, Tamilnadu

9. B
E
T
T
I
N
G
BLUES

5anta saw that his friend Ram
Lai was very
depressed.

'W
hat happened?'
asked Santa.

'Yaar,
I lost Rs 800 in a bet y
esterday
.
'
'Ho
w
co
me?
'
'W
ell,
y
esterday
,

the one day
m
a
tch between India and
England was being shown live on TV I bet Rs
500
that
India would win, but I lost the bet.'

'B
ut that'
s
only
Rs 500, where did the rest go?'

'Yaar,
I bet on the highlights too!'

Contributed by A
i
nit Kachnt,
W
a
shington DC

COVERING YOUR TRACKS

An editor once wrote: '
D
on'
t be
surprised
if
y
ou
find
m
i
stakes in this editorial newsletter. We
print
som
e
thing
for every
one. And som
e
people are alway
s
looking for
m
i
stakes.'

Contributed by Gagan Dhir,
New Delhi

ONE FOR IMAMDIN

Subedar Lehna Singh and Subedar Im
am
din were in the
sam
e
regim
e
nt
in the British Indian Arm
y
. They
were
inseparable
friends and spent their evenings drinking
together. The partition separated them

as
Subedar
Im
am
din was absorbed in the Pakistan Arm
y
.

To keep his friend'
s m
e
m
o
ry
alive
Subedar
Lehna
Singh
alway
s
filled two glasses with rum
and water and
sipped from
each alternately
!

When som
e
body
asked him
why
he did so, he
explained:
'This glass is Im
am
din's; this one is m
i
ne. So I
take
a
sip
from

each
— one on behalf of Im
am
din, the
other for m
y
self.'

Suddenly

one
evening Subedar Lehna Singh was seen
with
only

one
glass
on
his table. He was asked what had
happened. He replied, 'You
see, I have given up
drinking
but Im
am
din has not. So I have put away

m
y

glass
and
drink only
on behalf of m
y
friend.'

Contributed by Dr D
hanul Haq Haqqi,
Karachi



HONOURABLE POLITICS?

A m
a
n saw an epitaph in a cem
etery
which read: 'Here
lies an honest m
a
n and politician.'

'Sham
e
,' he cried, 'two people in the sam
e grave!'

Contributed by H.
D.
Shourie,
New Delhi

CAREER PLANNING

Banto took her son Ghanta to the headm
aster and
said,
'M
asterjee,
m
y

Ghanta thinks about a lot of things but
when it com
es to work, he does nothing. What
should
we
do for his career?
'
The headm
aster replied, 'Get him
to apply
for a job in
the Planning Com
m
i
ssion.'

Contributed by J.
P
. Singh Kaka,
B
hopal

10. WHODUNIT?

I hree m
e
n applied for
the
job
of
a
detective:
Santa from
India, Marc Gray
berg, a Jew; and
Tom
Silanti, an Italian.

The
chief
decided
to ask each applicant just one
question
and base his decision upon the answer. When
Gray
berg arrived for his interview, the
chief
asked
him
,

'W
ho killed Jesus Christ?'
He answered without
hesitation, '
T
he Rom
a
ns killed him
.
' The chief
thanked
him
and he left.

When Silanti arrived
for
his
interview, the chief asked
him
the sam
e question. He replied,
'Jesus
was
killed
by

the Jews.' The chief thanked him
also and he left.

Finally
, Santa arrived for his interview
and
was
asked
the
sam
e
question.
He
thought for a long tim
e, before
say
ing, '
C
ould I have som
e
tim
e
to
think
about
it?'

The
chief said, '
O
k, but get back to m
e
tom
o
rrow.'

When
Santa
arrived
hom
e, his wife asked, '
H
ow did
the interview go?'
Pat cam
e the reply
,

'G
reat,
I
got
the
job,
and I'm
already
investigating a m
u
rder!'

Contributed by Hardip Kaur Sandhu, Denmark

TONGUE OF SLIP

An
Akali
leader
was fulm
inating against the Congress.
Addressing a crowded university
m
eeting,
he
thundered,
'T
he Congress
wallahs
are all waters of the first rogue.'

The audience burst into laughter over
his
lapse
of
tongue. The Akali leader realised he had m
a
de
a
m
i
stake.
He joined the palm
s of his hands
to
ask
for
pardon,
T
am

very
sorry
, it is a tongue of slip.'

This tim
e the laughter was louder than before. The
gentlem
a
n that he was, the Akali leader was genuinely

contrite, '
Y
ou m
u
st pardon
m
e
.
I
am

alway
s

lim
iting
the
cross.'

Contributed by S.R. Patnaik, Cuttack


FAIR EXCHANGE

When I

was

a

y
oungster,'

com
p
lained

the

frustrated father
Ujaagar, T was disciplined by
being confined
to
m
y

room

and
not
allowed
to play
with friends. But m
y
son has his
own colour TV, telephone, com
puter, and CD play
er
to
keep him
self am
used.'

'S
o what do y
ou do?'
asked his friend.

T send him
to m
y
room
!'
Contributed by Atul Kamath, Kumta

11. OH GOD!

A
disciple went to his Guru asking for tips to attain
enlightenm
e
nt. The Guru advised, 'Take a
mala
(rosary
)

and go up into the Him
a
lay
as and m
e
ditate.'
The
disciple
went away
.

Several
m
onths
later, the Guru paid him
a visit and
asked, '
H
ow do y
ou like it up here in the snows?'

'J
ust fine,'
replied the disciple.

'A
nd what about the weather? Don'
t y
ou freeze?'

'A
s long as I have m
y

mala
and m
y

chillum
(bowl full
of tobacco), I don'
t care how cold it is.'

T
am
glad to hear it. Can I also have a
chillum
for
m
y
self right now,' asked the Guru, shivering with cold.

'W
hy
not!'
said the disciple.
'M
ala!
Would
y
ou
bring
us two
chillumsl'

Contributed by Anirban Sen, New Delhi

ALIVE OR DEAD

Banta and Ram
Lai were working
on
a
roof,
when
Banta
slipped
and
fell
to the ground. Ram
Lai leaned over and
called out: '
Y
ou dead or alive, Banta?'

'Alive,' m
o
aned Banta.

'Y
ou'
re a liar. I don'
t know whether to believe y
ou or
not,'
said Ram
Lai.

'Then I m
u
st be dead,' said Banta, 'because y
ou
wouldn'
t dare call m
e
a liar if I were alive.'

Contributed by Shivtar Singh Dal la, Ludhiana.

12. SPEAKER Vs MP

I wo dogs were discussing their m
asters.

The
first said, 'My
m
aster is
the speaker of the House,
when I start barking, he cannot stand it and keeps
say
ing,
"please, please, please ..." to stop m
e
from
barking.'

The other, belonging to an MP, said, '
A
t least
y
our
m
aster
is
polite.
Mine
is a m
o
st devious m
a
n. After
abusing
every
one
in
the
house
he has the audacity
to put a
signboard on his gate, "Beware of the dog"

Contributed by T.R. Rishi, Alwar

HARD TO PLEASE


When Balwant Kaur disapproved the
girl
her
son
wanted
to
m
a
rry
,
a
friend
told
the y
oung m
a
n, '
Y
ou m
u
st find a
girl who is like y
our m
o
ther.'

Several m
onths later, the y
oung m
a
n told his
friend,
T
finally

found
a girl who looks, talks, and acts just like m
y

mo
t
h
e
r
.
'
'C
ongratulations!'
said his friend.

'N
ot
y
e
t'
,
said the y
oung m
a
n and added, '
t
his tim
e m
y

father objected!'


BLOODY ONION

My
father

was

a

strict

vegetarian

He forbade m
e
to eat. Even
onion, a harm
less edible

That has nothing to do with m
eat. I
wondered why
father serm
onised,

'B
eware of onion, touch it not It has a
bitter taste,

With danger it is fraught.'
I
realised the wisdom
of father's serm
on,

When election results were out. Is not
onion, the bloody
onion,

That caused the BJP's rout?

Contributed by G.C. Bhandari, Meerut


SARDARS AGAIN

Santa
and Banta went fishing. They

caught a lot of fish and returned to the shore.

Santa:
T
hope
y
ou rem
e
m
b
er the spot where we
caught all these fish,'

Banta:
'Yes, I m
a
rked X on the side of the boat to
m
a
rk the spot.'

Santa: '
Y
ou idiot! How do we know we will get
the
sam
e boat tom
o
rrow?
'

13. W
I
S
H
FULFILLED

God created a m
u
le, and told him
,

'Y
ou
will
be
a
m
u
le,
work
constantly

from

dawn to dusk, and carry
heavy

loads on y
our back You will
eat
grass
and
lack
intelligence You will live for 50 y
ears.'

The
m
u
le
answered, '
T
o live like that for 50 y
ears will
be too m
u
ch. Please, Lord, give m
e
no
m
o
re
than
20
y
ears. And it was so.
Then
God
created
a dog, and told him
,
'
Y
ou will hold
vigilance
over the dwellings
of
m
a
n, to whom
y
ou will be
his
greatest
com
p
anion.
You
will eat his table scraps and
live for 25 y
ears.'
The
dog
responded,
'L
ord,
to live 25 y
ears as a dog
like that will be too m
u
ch. Please, Lord, give m
e
no m
o
re
than 10 y
ears.' And it was so.
God then created a m
onkey
,
and told him
,

'Y
ou
will
be
a m
onkey
.
You will swing from
tree to tree and act
like
an
idiot.
You will be funny
, and y
ou will live for 20
y
ears.
The
m
onkey

responded,
'L
ord,
to live 20 y
ears as the
clown of the world will be too m
u
ch. Please, Lord, give
m
e
no m
o
re than 10 y
ears.' And it was so.
Finally
, God created m
a
n and told
him
,

'Y
ou
will
be
the
only

rational
being that walks on the earth You will
use y
our intelligence to have
m
astery

over
other
creatures
of
the
world.
You will dom
inate the earth and live for 20
y
ears.'
The m
a
n responded, '
L
ord, to be a m
a
n for only

20
y
ears
will
be
too
little. Please, Lord, give m
e
the 30 y
ears
the m
u
le refused, the 15 y
ears the dog refused, and the
10
y
ears the m
onkey
refused.'
And it was so.
Ever since the grant of that wish m
a
n's life
goes
som
e
what like this:
He
lives
the
first
20 y
ears as a m
a
n enjoy
i
ng him
self
without a worry
in the world, then he
m
a
rries
and
have
children, to support them
he has to work
like
a
m
u
le
and
carry
the heavy
responsibility
(load) of his fam
ily
on
his
shoulders.
This
goes
on till he is 40. The next 15 y
ears he
lives
a
dog'
s
life guarding his house and eating leftovers
after the children have em
ptied the pantry
. Finally

in
his
old age he lives the last 10 y
ears as a
m
onkey
,

entertaining his grandchildren by
acting like an idiot.
And
so, it has been ever since.
GRANDFATHER OR
GRANDMOTHER?

Ujaagar'
s
eldest daughter had been
taken
to
the
delivery

room
in a hospital and he
was
anxiously
waiting outside,
when he heard the cry
i
ng of a newborn
babe.
A
few
m
i
nutes later a nurse cam
e out of the delivery
room
.
Ujaagar rushed up to her and enquired, '
S
ister, am
I a
grandfather or a grandm
other?'

Contributed by S. Parameswaran, USA