Managing Conflict at Home and Church.ppt

Managing Conflict at Home & Church.ppt

1. Managing Conflict at Home Managing Conflict at Home
and Churchand Church
How to resolve disagreements How to resolve disagreements
in close relationshipsin close relationships

2. ““Good marriages take work. Contrary Good marriages take work. Contrary
to popular belief, it is not how much to popular belief, it is not how much
you love each other that can best you love each other that can best
predict the future of your relationship, predict the future of your relationship,
but how conflicts and disagreements but how conflicts and disagreements
are handled.are handled.

3. ““Unfortunately, conflict is inevitable --Unfortunately, conflict is inevitable --
it can’t be avoided. So if you want to it can’t be avoided. So if you want to
have a good marriage, you’d better have a good marriage, you’d better
learn to fight right.” – Markman, learn to fight right.” – Markman,
Stanley and Blumberg in Stanley and Blumberg in Fighting for Fighting for
Your Marriage Your Marriage

4. Why do we have conflicts in Why do we have conflicts in
relationships?relationships?
Different backgroundsDifferent backgrounds
Different trainingDifferent training
Different orientationDifferent orientation

5. Why we have conflicts in Why we have conflicts in
relationshipsrelationships
Different mindsetDifferent mindset
Different past Different past
experiencesexperiences

6. Why we have conflicts in Why we have conflicts in
relationshipsrelationships
Different sexesDifferent sexes
Difficult persons to Difficult persons to
get along withget along with

7. Why we have conflicts in Why we have conflicts in
relationshipsrelationships
Different ways Different ways
of viewing of viewing
thingsthings
Different Different
temperament temperament
or personality or personality
typestypes

8. Temperament types Temperament types
SanguineSanguine
““Let’s have fun doing it”Let’s have fun doing it”
InfluencerInfluencer
MelancholyMelancholy
““Let’s do it perfectly”Let’s do it perfectly”
ThinkerThinker
CholericCholeric
““Let’s get it done now”Let’s get it done now”
LeaderLeader
PhlegmaticPhlegmatic
““Let’s do it peacefullyLet’s do it peacefully
Peace-makerPeace-maker

9. Temperament types Temperament types
SanguineSanguine
Carefree, excitable, fun-Carefree, excitable, fun-
loving, adventurous, loving, adventurous,
spontaneousspontaneous
MelancholyMelancholy
Meticulous, careful, Meticulous, careful,
fastidious, perfectionist, fastidious, perfectionist,
CholericCholeric
Bossy, arrogant, Bossy, arrogant,
controlling, opinionated, controlling, opinionated,
determined determined
PhlegmaticPhlegmatic
Easy-going, laid-back, Easy-going, laid-back,
peaceful, slow, relaxedpeaceful, slow, relaxed

10. Temperament types Temperament types
SanguineSanguine
Carefree, excitable, fun-Carefree, excitable, fun-
loving, adventurous, loving, adventurous,
spontaneousspontaneous
MelancholyMelancholy
Meticulous, careful, Meticulous, careful,
fastidious, perfectionist, fastidious, perfectionist,
CholericCholeric
Bossy, arrogant, Bossy, arrogant,
controlling, opinionated, controlling, opinionated,
determined determined
PhlegmaticPhlegmatic
Easy-going, laid-back, Easy-going, laid-back,
peaceful, slow, relaxedpeaceful, slow, relaxed

11. Temperament types Temperament types
SanguineSanguine
Carefree, excitable, fun-Carefree, excitable, fun-
loving, adventurous, loving, adventurous,
spontaneousspontaneous
MelancholyMelancholy
Meticulous, careful, Meticulous, careful,
fastidious, perfectionist, fastidious, perfectionist,
CholericCholeric
Bossy, arrogant, Bossy, arrogant,
controlling, opinionated, controlling, opinionated,
determined determined
PhlegmaticPhlegmatic
Easy-going, laid-back, Easy-going, laid-back,
peaceful, slow, relaxedpeaceful, slow, relaxed

12. Temperament types needs Temperament types needs
SanguineSanguine
Organization, Organization,
structure, planning, to structure, planning, to
listen, disciplinelisten, discipline
MelancholyMelancholy
Flexibility, patienceFlexibility, patience, ,
sense ofsense of humor, humor,
tolerancetolerance
CholericCholeric
Humility, tolerance, Humility, tolerance,
to slow-down, to slow-down,
compassioncompassion
PhlegmaticPhlegmatic
Drive, passion, Drive, passion,
promptness, promptness,
diligence, goalsdiligence, goals

13. It is in the order of God to bring It is in the order of God to bring
persons of different temperament persons of different temperament
types together so that their blend can types together so that their blend can
be a benefit to both.be a benefit to both.
When different temperament types When different temperament types
marry, they should see how their marry, they should see how their
differences can complement each differences can complement each
other, rather than fight over their other, rather than fight over their
differences.differences.

14. Why we have conflicts in Why we have conflicts in
relationshipsrelationships
Satan is at work in the family and in the church. 1Pet. 5:8; Job 1:6Satan is at work in the family and in the church. 1Pet. 5:8; Job 1:6

15. Ellen White saysEllen White says
““He, (Satan) is intruding his presence in He, (Satan) is intruding his presence in
every department of the household … every department of the household …
breaking up families…” breaking up families…” Great Controversy, Great Controversy,
p. 508p. 508
““In the family, Satan is at work. His In the family, Satan is at work. His
banner waves even in professedly banner waves even in professedly
ChristianChristian householdshouseholds.” Great Controversy, .” Great Controversy,
p. 585p. 585

16. Conflict definedConflict defined
A conflict is “a situation in which two or A conflict is “a situation in which two or
more human beings desire goals which more human beings desire goals which
they perceive as being attainable by one they perceive as being attainable by one
or the other but not by both.”---or the other but not by both.”---
–McSwain, Treadwell, McSwain, Treadwell, Conflict Ministry In theConflict Ministry In the
ChurchChurch, p. 25, p. 25

17. Conflict definedConflict defined
A conflict is “a struggle over values and A conflict is “a struggle over values and
claims to scarce status, power and claims to scarce status, power and
resources in which the aims of the resources in which the aims of the
opponents are to neutralize, injure or opponents are to neutralize, injure or
eliminate their rivals.”—eliminate their rivals.”—
–Coser, Coser, The Functions of Social Conflicts, The Functions of Social Conflicts, p. 8p. 8

18. Myths about ConflictMyths about Conflict
Christians don’t have conflict with each Christians don’t have conflict with each
other.other.
If you love someone, you won’t have If you love someone, you won’t have
conflicts with each other.conflicts with each other.
It is sinful to have conflicts.It is sinful to have conflicts.
Good Christians never get angry because Good Christians never get angry because
anger is sinful.anger is sinful.

20. Typical conflict areas in the Typical conflict areas in the
homehome
Conflict over moneyConflict over money
Conflict over child Conflict over child
trainingtraining
Conflict over in-lawsConflict over in-laws

21. Typical conflict areasTypical conflict areas
Conflict over goalsConflict over goals
Conflict over unmet Conflict over unmet
needsneeds
Conflict over sexConflict over sex

22. Conflict situationsConflict situations
Conflict over Conflict over
expressing loveexpressing love
Conflict over workConflict over work
Conflict over religionConflict over religion

23. Conflict situationsConflict situations
Conflict over time Conflict over time
distributiondistribution
Conflict over friendsConflict over friends
Conflict over loyalty Conflict over loyalty
or fidelityor fidelity

24. Typical conflict areas in the Typical conflict areas in the
churchchurch
PositionPosition
DoctrinesDoctrines
Ways of doing thingsWays of doing things
Personality differencesPersonality differences
StandardsStandards
Power strugglesPower struggles
Gender rolesGender roles

25. Why marriage produces conflictsWhy marriage produces conflicts
More time spent with each otherMore time spent with each other
The depth of contactThe depth of contact
Unrealistic expectationsUnrealistic expectations

26. Why marriage produces conflictsWhy marriage produces conflicts
Power strugglesPower struggles
Autonomy and interdependenceAutonomy and interdependence

27. Four Destructive Patterns to WatchFour Destructive Patterns to Watch
EscalationEscalation
InvalidationInvalidation
Withdrawal and Withdrawal and
avoidanceavoidance
Negative interpretationsNegative interpretations

28. Strategies to Strategies to avoidavoid in dealing with in dealing with
conflictconflict
MinimizingMinimizing
BlamingBlaming
Killing the mosquito with a sledge hammerKilling the mosquito with a sledge hammer
Surrendering for peaceSurrendering for peace
Exploding and/or violenceExploding and/or violence

29. More strategies to avoidMore strategies to avoid
The pressure cooker approachThe pressure cooker approach
The cold warThe cold war
Revenge or retaliationRevenge or retaliation
MurderMurder

30. Dirty fightingDirty fighting
Name callingName calling
Over-generalizingOver-generalizing
Alluding to family patternsAlluding to family patterns
BankingBanking
Counter accusationsCounter accusations

31. More dirty fightingMore dirty fighting
Verbal or physical abuseVerbal or physical abuse
Angry outburstsAngry outbursts
Temper tantrumsTemper tantrums
Running awayRunning away
AccusingAccusing
Mind readingMind reading

32. Fair fightingFair fighting
Use positive namesUse positive names
Use “I” messagesUse “I” messages
Allude to past positivesAllude to past positives
Keep currentKeep current
Admit mistakesAdmit mistakes

33. More fair fightingMore fair fighting
Hear the whole story before responding.Hear the whole story before responding.
Repeat self-calming phrases.Repeat self-calming phrases.
Look for the humor in the situation.Look for the humor in the situation.
Make an appointment to deal with the Make an appointment to deal with the
problem.problem.
Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt.Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt.

34. Knock out with loveKnock out with love
Love will win the day when argument, Love will win the day when argument,
quarrelling and fighting are powerless.quarrelling and fighting are powerless.
““If I could speak in any language in If I could speak in any language in
heaven or in earth but didn’t love others, I heaven or in earth but didn’t love others, I
would be making meaningless noise, like a would be making meaningless noise, like a
loud gong or a clanging symbol.” Apostle loud gong or a clanging symbol.” Apostle
Paul, 1 Cor. 13: 1 (NLT)Paul, 1 Cor. 13: 1 (NLT)

35. Principles for effective conflict Principles for effective conflict
resolutionresolution
Draw on your spiritual resources.Draw on your spiritual resources.
Keep on the high road.Keep on the high road.
Don’t judge the other person too quickly or Don’t judge the other person too quickly or
too harshly.too harshly.

36. Principles for effective conflict Principles for effective conflict
resolutionresolution
Be patient under pressure.Be patient under pressure.
Make every effort to see the other Make every effort to see the other
person’s point of view.person’s point of view.

37. More principlesMore principles
Try to see the good in the problem.Try to see the good in the problem.
Take the long view of the situation.Take the long view of the situation.
Study and employ the best strategies of Study and employ the best strategies of
successful people.successful people.
Realize that all that annoys is but for a Realize that all that annoys is but for a
moment. 2 Cor. 4:17moment. 2 Cor. 4:17

38. More principlesMore principles
Be Christian and professional in all your Be Christian and professional in all your
dealings with others.dealings with others.
Be mature even if others behave Be mature even if others behave
childishly.childishly.
Be supportive even when others let you Be supportive even when others let you
down. Don’t render evil for evil.down. Don’t render evil for evil.
Don’t let others dictate your behavior.Don’t let others dictate your behavior.

39. Still more principlesStill more principles
Communicate, communicate, Communicate, communicate,
communicate.communicate.
Try to maintain a sweet personality, even Try to maintain a sweet personality, even
under pressure.under pressure.
Do not be afraid to confront, but do it with Do not be afraid to confront, but do it with
love.love.
Be ready to admit your mistakes, and to Be ready to admit your mistakes, and to
forgive the mistakes of others.forgive the mistakes of others.

40. Steps in settling conflictsSteps in settling conflicts
1. Admit that there is a conflict.1. Admit that there is a conflict.
2. Identify who has the need.2. Identify who has the need.
3. Brainstorm to find as many possible 3. Brainstorm to find as many possible
solutions.solutions.
4. Discuss the possible solutions and pick 4. Discuss the possible solutions and pick
the best one. the best one.
5. Follow through.5. Follow through.

41. Steps continuedSteps continued
6. Reassess to see if the solution is 6. Reassess to see if the solution is
working.working.
7. If the solution is 7. If the solution is notnot working, try working, try
another solution.another solution.

42. One more thingOne more thing
Don’t be afraid or reluctant to seek the Don’t be afraid or reluctant to seek the
help of your pastor or another trained help of your pastor or another trained
professional, if your own attempts to settle professional, if your own attempts to settle
the conflict prove futile. Eph. 4:11 - 13the conflict prove futile. Eph. 4:11 - 13

43. CONCLUSIONCONCLUSION
The difference between The difference between
successful marriages and successful marriages and
failing ones is not the absence failing ones is not the absence
of conflict, but the ability of the of conflict, but the ability of the
two persons to say, “Look, we two persons to say, “Look, we
have a problem, let’s work it have a problem, let’s work it
out.”out.”

44. God is the Author of marriage and the God is the Author of marriage and the
family; and He has a deep and abiding family; and He has a deep and abiding
interest in its happiness and success.interest in its happiness and success.

47. DiscussionDiscussion
What do you think are the major conflict What do you think are the major conflict
areas in modern marriages in this country?areas in modern marriages in this country?
What advice would you give a young What advice would you give a young
couple for dealing with them?couple for dealing with them?