The Importance of True Connections (and how to make and keep them)

Exploring the importance of true connections at work and ways to foster authentic relationships at work and in life.

Topics explored:
• Why do connections matter?
• What does it mean to be a best friend at
work?
• Unlocking the science of friendship
• What are true connections?
• Practical ways to connect

1. David P. Moore
The Importance of True
Connections
And how to make and keep them
September 26, 2024

2. David P. Moore
•Working in software for over 20 years
•Student of Agile and DevOps
•Reside in Goochland, VA
•Married, with adult son and daughter
•Enjoy learning, spending time with
friends, going for walks, playing guitar,
and recently disc golf
About Me
Learning to live, love and be loved,
so that I can become and help others to become
more of who they are truly intended to be.

3. Today’s agenda
•Why do connections matter?
•What does it mean to be a best friend at
work?
•Unlocking the science of friendship
•What are true connections?
•My personal journey with connection
•Practical ways to connect

4. Why do connections matter?
The Harvard Study of Adult Development* - “The Grant Study”
•Longitudinal study followed two groups of men for
now over 80 years with the goal of understanding
the psychosocial predictors of healthy aging
“The Key Finding from this 75 year study is this:
good relationships keep us happier and healthier.
Period.”
“The people who were the most satisfied in their
relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age
80.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KkKuTCFvzI
*Robert Waldinger - TEDx talk: “What makes a good life? Lessons from the
longest study on happiness”

5. People need other people
3 Key Lessons from the Harvard study*:
1.“Social connections are really good for us, and
that loneliness kills.”
2.“It’s the quality of the close relationships that
matters”
3.“Good relationships don’t just protect our
bodies, they protect our brains.”
*Robert Waldinger - TEDx talk: “What makes a good life? Lessons
from the longest study on happiness”

6. “The only way you can ensure that you
have a best friend at work is to be a best
friend at work - to actively seek out,
establish, build, and nurture these deep
and long-lasting relationships with the
people with whom you work.”
The Ally Mindset
“Am I a best friend at work?”
“The Ally Mindset is an intentional, conscious choice
to be proactive and thoughtful in your relationships
rather than reactive and defensive in your
interactions…It’s adopting a we instead of me
mindset where we all win together.”
- Morag Barrett, Eric Spencer, Ruby Wesely, from “You Me We”

7. Unlocking the science of friends
Robin Dunbar - Dunbar’s Number
“The bottom line is that our
social world is by far the
most complex thing in the
universe precisely because
it is so dynamic and in
constant flux, and keeping
track of that and managing
it is very demanding in
information processing
terms.”
Robin Dunbar
Friends (150)
Good
friends (50)
Best
friends (15)
Close
friends (5)

8. What is a true connection?
You
Real Self
Ideal Self
Other

9. What is a true connection?
You
Real Self
Ideal Self
Other

10. True
connection
Pseudo
connection
Deeper and more meaningful
Durable
Fewer (higher quality)
Sacrificial
Unconditional
Intrinsically rewarding (end-in-itself)
Superficial
Ephemeral
More (higher quantity)
Transactional
Conditional
Means to an end

11. True connection starts with self awareness
“Know Thyself”
Real Self
Ideal Self
Which self are we connected with?
Real Self
Ideal Self

12. True connection starts with self compassion
Kristen Neff - Self-Compassion researcher
•“From the Buddhist point of view, you have to care
about yourself before you can really care about
other people. If you are continually judging and
criticizing yourself while trying to be kind to others,
you are drawing artificial boundaries and
distinctions that only lead to feelings of separation
and isolation.”
-Dr. Kristen Neff, from “Self Compassion: The Proven Power of
Being Kind to Yourself”

13. True connections require a solid base
•Honesty
•Trust
•Vulnerability
•Acceptance
“A true friend will not tell
you what you want to
hear, but what you need
to hear”

14. True connections are hard to make and keep
‘you can’t make old friends’
•Close relationships take time to form (~200
hours)
•Require courage and vulnerability
•Need persistence and patience
•Emotional intelligence, understanding, and
empathy

15. My connection
journey

16. How to Connect?
Be Intentional
•Face to face (if possible)
•Ask questions
•Listen
•Remember names
•Schedule regular get-togethers on a
natural rhythm (weekly, monthly)
•Do things together

17. Take an “API-first” approach
(Assume Positive Intent)
Something
happens
What we see
and hear
Feelings Actions
*Model borrowed from Brandon Linton, by way of the book “Crucial Conversations”

18. Take an “API-first” approach
(Assume Positive Intent)
Something
happens
What we see
and hear
Feelings Actions
Stories we tell
ourselves
*Model borrowed from Brandon Linton, by way of the book “Crucial Conversations”

19. Be an illuminator not a diminisher
“In every crowd there are Diminishers and there are Illuminators.
Diminishers make people feel small and unseen. They see other
people as things to be used, not as persons to be befriended.”
“Illuminators, on the other hand, have a persistent curiosity about
other people. They have been trained or have trained themselves
in the craft of understanding others. They know what to look for
and how to ask the right questions at the right time. They shine the
brightness of their care on people and make them feel bigger,
deeper, respected, lit up.”
David Brooks - How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others
Deeply and Being Deeply Seen

20. What about Technology?
The over reliance on technology can kill true connection
•“Technology gives us the illusion of companionship without the
demands of friendship”
•“People in their teens and twenties tell me that the most
commonly heard phrase at dinner with their friends is ‘Wait,
what?’”
•Every time you check your phone in company, what you gain is a
hit of stimulation, a neurochemical shot, and what you lose is
what a friend, teacher, parent, lover, or co-worker just said,
meant, felt.”
- Sherry Turkle, Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age

21. Practical Ways to Connect
•Food & Meals
•Walks or Hikes
•Hobbies & Book clubs
•Sports
•Volunteering
•Religious or social groups
•Meetups

22. Further reading
Some recommended books…

23. Thank you.