A Collection of Little Johnny Jokes.pptx

A Collection of Little Johnny Jokes

1. LITTLE JOHNNY JOKES

2. Little JOHNNY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks his father. "The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied little JOHNNY. "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?' "What's the fucking difference? " asks the father. "That’s exactly what I said Dad!"

3. One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautifully." The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called on little JOHNNY. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, that’s just fucking beautiful!"

4. Little JOHNNY was sent back to bed for the tenth time that evening and his mother was not amused. She says, “JOHNNY, if I hear one more time you say ‘Mommy, I want this, or mommy, I want that’, you will be in big trouble! I don’t want to hear the word mommy again tonight. Now off to bed you go!” There’s a short pause, after which JOHNNY says hesitantly, “Mrs Lambden, may I have a glass of water, please.”

5. A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?” Steven raises his hand and says, “He’s in Heaven.” Mary answers, “He’s in my heart.” Little JOHNNY waves his hand furiously and blurts out, “He’s in our bathroom!” The surprised teacher asks little JOHNNY how does he knows this? “Well,” little JOHNNY says, “Every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells ‘Jesus Christ, you are still in there?'”

6. Little JOHNNY and a little girl are playing. Little JOHNNY pulls down his shorts and says, “I have one of these, and you don’t.” The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother. The next day little JOHNNY and the girl are playing together again. Once again little JOHNNY points to his private parts and says, “I have one of these and you don’t.” But this time the little girl just keeps on playing. “How come you’re not crying today,” asks little JOHNNY. “My mother told me,” says the little girl, pulling up her dress, “With one of these, I can get as many of those as I want!”

7. Little JOHNNY skipped school one day… and since his house was next to his school, the teacher decided to visit little JOHNNY’s parents the next day after school, but his granddad was the only adult home. When he saw the teacher coming, he said “JOHNNY! Your teacher is coming, hide and I will say you aren’t at home. “No,” JOHNNY replied “You have to go and hide. I told the teacher that I went to your funeral.”

8. A teacher asks the kids in the class: “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Little JOHNNY says: “I want to start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest prostitute, give her a Ferrari worth a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while bang her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.” The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little JOHNNY, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. “And how about you, Sarah?” “I want to be JOHNNY’s prostitute.”

9. Teacher: “Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?” Michael: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’ Teacher: ‘That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’ Sherman: ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.’ Teacher: ‘That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, JOHNNY, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?’ JOHNNY: ‘I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.’

10. Little JOHNNY comes running into the house and asks, “Mommy, can little girls have babies?” “No,” says his mom, “of course not.” Little JOHNNY runs back outside yelling to his friends, “It’s okay, we can play that game again!”

11. Teacher: “Anyone who thinks he’s stupid may stand up!” Nobody stands up. Teacher: “I’m sure there are some stupid students over here!!” Little JOHNNY stands up. Teacher: “Ohh, JOHNNY you think you’re stupid?” Little JOHNNY: “No… I just feel bad that you’re standing up alone…”

12. A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little JOHNNY. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like you’re thinking." Then little JOHNNY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married? The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little JOHNNY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like you’re thinking."

13. The teacher was explaining all of the different punctuation marks. She listed the comma, question mark and when she got to period. Little JOHNNY raised his hand. “Why are periods so important?” he asked. The teacher responded: Well, they are a fundamental part of the written language; why do you ask? Little JOHNNY replied: Yesterday my sister said she missed a period, and my Mom fainted. My Dad started yelling, and said his going to shoot the next door neighbour.

14. One day little JOHNNY got home early from school. His elder sister asked, “Why are you home so early?” He answered, “Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class.” She said, “Wow, my brother is a genius. What was the question?” JOHNNY replied, “The question was ‘Who threw the trash can at the principal’s head?’”

15. Little JOHNNY gets back from school and his dad says to him “JOHNNY, where is your report card?” JOHNNY replies “Sorry dad, I don’t have it”. His father is furious and says “Why not?” JOHNNY replies “I lent it to my friend, he wanted to scare his parents.”

16. While grading essays, the teacher noticed that little JOHNNY’s paper about ‘Family Pets’ was the same as his twin brother’s. So she asked, “Why did you copy your brother’s homework?” Little JOHNNY said, “No, I didn’t! We just have the same pets.”

17. Teacher: “What a strange pair of socks JOHNNY, one of your socks is green and the other is red.” Little JOHNNY: “Yes, it is very strange. I have another pair at home exactly the same!”

18. Teacher asks little JOHNNY, “Johnny, how old is your father?” “He’s as old as me,” JOHNNY informs her. “Now how would that be possible?” inquires the surprised teacher. “Well, he became a father the day I was born!”

19. At school, little JOHNNY’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little JOHNNY decides to go home and try it out. JOHNNY’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Very pleased with himself, JOHNNY waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” JOHNNY is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Thank god! You give your Dad a great big hug!”

20. The teacher decided to teach the children in her class how to count. When it was JOHNNY’s turn, the teacher asked what came after the number ten. JOHNNY replied, “That’s easy. A Jack.”

21. One day, little JOHNNY told his parents that he was ready to live alone. They were very proud of him and supportive. JOHNNY replied, “Great, I left all of your luggage at the front door !”

22. Little JOHNNY is watching his mum rubbing cold cream on her face and he asks her “Why are you rubbing that stuff on your face mom?” His mother replies “To make myself look beautiful JOHNNY.” A few minutes later she starts rubbing the cream off with a tissue. JOHNNY says to her “What is the matter? Are you giving up?”

23. Teacher: "If 1 + 1 = 2 and 2 + 2 = 4, what is 4 + 4?" Little JOHNNY: "That's not fair you answered the easy ones, and left us with the hard one!"

24. Teacher asks, “Who can tell me the chemical formula for water?” Little JOHNNY pipes up, "HIJKLMNO"! The teacher is puzzled, “What on Earth are you talking about, JOHNNY?” Little JOHNNY looks hurt, “You yourself said yesterday that it's H to O!”

25. A science teacher wanted to teach her 6th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so she produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the teacher, putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water wiggled about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, she put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the teacher asked. Little JOHNNY, who naturally sits in the back, raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

26. While playing in the backyard, little JOHNNY kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, “No honey for you for one month!” Later that afternoon, JOHNNY’s dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. “That’s it! No butter for you for one month!” says his dad. Later that evening as JOHNNY’s mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find little JOHNNY and her husband watching her. Little JOHNNY looks at his father and says, “Are you going to tell her Dad, or do you want me to?”

27. Little JOHNNY's family is sitting at the dinner table. Father, "Can you please pray for dinner!" Little JOHNNY, "Dear God. Please, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on Dad’s computer. Amen!"

28. Little JOHNNY was having trouble in math, so his parents sent him to catholic private school. On the first day he came rushing back home and started working furiously on his math. He did the same after supper. His mother was impressed and commented to him, "Wow, Johnny, you're really working hard" JOHNNY looked up and said, "Well, when I went in there, I saw that guy was nailed to the plus sign, I just knew they weren't messing around."

29. Little JOHNNY’s father, mother and brother are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while." Pretty soon l ittle JOHNNY becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom. "Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same mother who whacked our bums for sucking our thumbs."

30. Little JOHNNY goes to his father and says “Do you know the difference between snow men and snow women?” Father, “I haven’t got a clue JOHNNY!“ Little JOHNNY replied “Snow men have s nowballs”!

31. Little JOHNNY goes to his father and says “ Why wasn't Jesus born in the U.S.A ? ” Father, “I haven’t got a clue JOHNNY!“ JOHNNY looks at his father and says ‘ Because god couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. ”

32. Little JOHNNY asked his mom, “Why is your hair turning gray?” His mom replied, “Every time you misbehave, I get a new gray hair.” Little JOHNNY thought for a moment and said, “Mom, how come all of grandma’s hair is gray?”

33. Little JOHNNY asked his dad, “Dad, can you write in the dark?” His dad replied, “I think so. What do you want me to write?” Little JOHNNY said, “Write your name on this report card.”

34. Little JOHNNY is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. Little JOHNNY is sitting on the toilet reading a book, but about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand. His mother says: "JOHNNY, are you all right? You've been in here for a while... JOHNNY says: "I'm fine, mommy. I just haven’t done a 'doody' yet." Mother says: "Ok, you can stay here a few more minutes. but, JOHNNY, why are you hitting yourself on the head?" JOHNNY says: "Well it works for getting ketchup out of the bottle.”

35. Little JOHNNY and his friend are standing at the toilet to pee. His friend says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!" "I've been circumcised." little JOHNNY replies. "What does that mean?" "It means they cut the skin off the end." "How old were you when it was cut off?" "My mom said I was two days old." "Did it hurt?" the friend asked inquiringly. "You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

36. Little JOHNNY and a 10 year old girl approach the little girls dad one day, "I want to marry your daughter" l little JOHNNY says. Thinking how cute this is the father asks the little JOHNNY "Well where will you live?" Little JOHNNY replies we will live here in Suzie's room because it's bigger than mine. Laughing the father continues … "Well, what will you do for money?“ Little JOHNNY replies "Well I get 5 dollars a week and Suzie gets 10 so that's 60 dollars a month between the two of us.“ The father still thinking how cute this all is asks "Well what if she gets pregnant? How will you take care of a baby?“ Little JOHNNY says "Well, we have been pretty lucky for the last 4 months!"

37. A third grade teacher always does role call each morning and had the pupils' answer by reciting a short poem. The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can." The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby ... if I can, and I think I can." The next on the list was Little JOHNNY , a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a darn about Japan, but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can ... and I think can!"

38. A Sunday school teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned. Susie said, "He was born in a manger." Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple." Little JOHNNY said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it." Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?" "From my daddy," said JOHNNY . "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled “Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"

39. Little JOHNNY comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?" Little JOHNNY replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."

40. Little JOHNNY : I can’t go to school today. Father: Why not? Little JOHNNY : I don’t feel well! Father: Where don’t you feel well? Little JOHNNY : At school!

41. A teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?” After a confused silence, l ittle JOHNNY says , “I guess you’d be eating lunch alone.”

42. While leading a tour of kindergarten students through the hospital, the teacher overheard a conversation between l ittle JOHNNY and an x-ray technician. “Have you ever broken a bone?” – he asked. “Yes.” l ittle JOHNNY replied. “Did it hurt?” “No.” “Really? Which bone did you break?” “My brother’s arm.”

43. “Mummy, could you give me two dollars for this old man on the street?” “Oh darling, of course, you’re so nice to think of other people. Where is he JOHNNY ?” “There on the corner, selling ice cream for two dollars.”

44. “Mummy, I do not want to watch Bugs Bunny anymore?” “Oh, why is that Johnny!” his mother replies. “ He stands with one hand on his hip, frequently dresses in drag, loves to throw on a top hat and tails, and belts out Broadway show-tunes with his buddy Daffy , who talks queer! ”

45. L ittle JOHNNY runs to his father and starts talking to him urgently, “Dad, dad…” His father turns to him angrily and says, “ JOHNNY had it with you constantly interrupting me. From now on you’ll speak only when I’ve asked you something!” JOHNNY thinks for a second and continues, “OK dad, can you please ask me if you’ve forgotten to put on the handbrake because your car is rolling down the road?”

46. L ittle JOHNNY and his friend are walking outside and JOHNNY finds a hundred dollar bill. His friend suggests that they should take it to the lost-and-found office. L ittle JOHNNY replies: “No point. This is my mom’s money.” His friend is startled, “But how can you know that?” “Because my father keeps saying that my mother is just throwing money out the window.”

47. One Sunday morning, the priest noticed Little JOHNNY was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names. And small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Little JOHNNY ." Little JOHNNY : "Good morning! Father Scott, what is this?" Father Scott: "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Little JOHNNY : "Which service, the 9:00 or the 11:00am?"

48. Mother: "How was math today?" Little JOHNNY : "Our teacher has a bad memory. For three days she asked us how much is two and two. We told her it was four. But she still doesn't know. Today she asked us again today!"

49. Teacher: “Today we will learn this spelling rule “I“ comes before “E" except after “C. “ The teacher writes a couple of words on the blackboard, and turns the class “Can anyone give me another example? Little Suzie says: “Height” Teacher: Excellent Suzie! Little JOHNNY puts up his hand! Teacher: Ok, Johnny, what is your word? Little JOHNNY : “I’m confused, because isn’t "science" spelt incorrect !"

50. Little JOHNNY ’s teacher asked him, “Can you name three animals that live in the ocean?” Little JOHNNY replied, “Yes, a dolphin and two whales.”

51. Little JOHNNY’s mum found him in the bathroom taking a bath. “Do not forget to wash behind your ears? ” she asked. JOHNNY replied, “But no one looks there?”

52. Little JOHNNY’s dad found him in his room with a calculator. “Are you doing your homework?” he asked. JOHNNY replied, “No, I’m just checking if the calculator agrees with me.”

53. Little JOHNNY asked his friend, “Do you know your online porn name?” His friend answers, “No, Johnny?” “Well, you take the name of your first pet, and then take the name of the first street you lived in!” says JOHNNY “Oh, so what is yours Johnny” “My online porn name is Rusty Price”

54. Little JOHNNY heard his mom swear. Little JOHNNY asks his mom “What does "fuck" mean?" So his mom not wanting to teach her kid a bad word she says “It means cutting" Little JOHNNY goes upstairs and sees his dad in the bathroom, his dad yells "SHIT" Little JOHNNY asks “Dad what does shit mean?" His dad also not wanting him to learn a bad word at his young age replied “It means shaving" then the bell door rings, JOHNNY runs to the door and opens it to greet the people that were coming over “Hello, mom's fucking the chicken and dad is shitting in the bathroom."

55. L ittle JOHNNY, a little black kid is helping his mum cook and he puts flour on his face and says “Look Ma, I'm a white man!" She slaps JOHNNY and tells him to go say that to his grandma. He goes to his grandma and says “Look, I'm a white man!". She slaps him too and tells JOHNNY to go tell his father. He goes to his father and says “Look dad, I'm a white man!" He slaps him too and asks “What have you learned?" L ittle JOHNNY says, "I've only been white for two minutes, and I already hate you black bastards.”

56. L ittle JOHNNY asks his father: "Dad, what does it mean to be a man". The father replies: “Well son, being a man means that you're the person in control of the situation, you're the one who takes all the important decisions". "Well" JOHNNY answers “Then I hope to be a great man when I grow up, just like mom is!"

57. L ittle JOHNNY was lazy and couldn't wake up early.. His mom wanted to teach JOHNNY a lesson about the benefits of waking up early. She said: “ JOHNNY , I am going to tell you a little story, and then I want you to tell me what did you learned from it ok?” JOHNNY : Ok Mom says: “Imagine two birds. The first bird always wakes up early and can find bugs to feed himself and his family. The second bird wakes up late everyday and cant find anything to eat. So what did you learn from this”. JOHNNY : “I learned that the bugs that wake up early gets eaten by birds.”

58. “Mama, there’s a man at the door,” said little JOHNNY . “He says he’s collecting for senior citizens. Do you think we should hide Grandpa?”

59. It was the end of the school year and little JOHNNY’s mother asked: “And were the exam questions difficult?” “They weren’t bad at all,” JOHNNY replied. “It was the answers that gave me all the trouble.”

60. Little JOHNNY and his brother wanted to ask a favor of their mom. “You ask her.” demanded Eric, 10 years old. “No, you ask her.” said JOHNNY , age 9. “You’ve known her much longer.”

61. Little JOHNNY and his brother are in the pharmacy when his little brother sees the condom display. " JOHNNY, w hat are those for? "Well, those are for when a man and woman love each other and want to have safe intercourse, says JOHNNY. "Oh", JOHNNY’s brother replied, "Why do they have a three-pack?" "That's for a college junior: one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday morning". "And why do they have a 6-pack?" "That's for college seniors: two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday Morning." "And why do they have a 12-pack?" "Well, that's for married men... one for January, one for February..."

62. Little JOHNNY and his brother were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said JOHNNY , “But we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away. JOHNNY shook his head and laughed. "We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

63. Hey, JOHNNY ! “You think your teacher knows that I help you with homework?” “I think she does, mom!” JOHNNY replies. “She said it was impossible to get so many wrong answers on my own.”

64. Little JOHNNY asks his father what an alcoholic is? His dad replies, “See those 4 cars? An alcoholic would see 8" JOHNNY says, “But dad, there are 2 cars over there!"

65. Little JOHNNY and his father are walking down the street when a tourist approaches him asking: " Parlez vous francais ?" His father looks surprised and says nothing. The tourist changes the language: " Sprechen Sie Deutsch?" Again, no response. The tourist tries his luck once more: "Habla español ?" Seeing that he receives no answer, the tourist moves on. H is father looks at JOHNNY , " JOHNNY , did you see how many foreign languages that man knew?" JOHNNY says, "Yes, so? It didn't help much, did it?"

66. Little JOHNNY was talking to his grandpa. "Grandpa, can you give that bucket over there?" "Yes I can ! But why are you asking?“ Grandpa replies. "Because Dad told me that we're gonna be rich when you kick the bucket!"

67. Little JOHNNY : Mom, do you know what I’m going to give you for your birthday? Mom: No, dear, what? Little JOHNNY : A nice teapot. Mom: But I’ve got a nice teapot. Little JOHNNY : Not anymore - I’ve just dropped it.

68. The young parents were concerned because little JOHNNY , who had begun using unkind words that he learned in school. One day, the mother overheard JOHNNY calling his sister a “stupid head.” “ JOHNNY ,” she said. “Your birthday is next week. Your father and I bought five presents for you. From now on, every time you use a bad word, I’m going to take one of the presents away.” “That’s stupid,” said JOHNNY . “O.K., young man,” said the mother, “You just lost one of your presents. Now you only have four. What do you have to say for yourself?” “If I tell you the sentence I’m thinking of right now,” said JOHNNY , “I’ll lose all of the other four.”

69. Little JOHNNY’s friend says: “ When is your birthday?” JOHNNY: “ 17th January!” “What year?” “Every year!” JOHNNY replied.

70. Little JOHNNY was on the bus yesterday heading to school when he suddenly realized he desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so he decided to time his flatulence with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, he started to feel better. He suddenly glanced up and noticed that everybody was staring at him…. Then JOHNNY suddenly remembered that he was listening to his iPod.

71. While visiting a country school, the chairman of the Board Of Education became aggravated by the noise coming next door from unruly students. Angrily, he opened the door and grabbed one of the taller boys who seemed to be doing most of the talking. He dragged the boy to the next room and stood him in the corner. A few minutes later, little JOHNNY stuck his head in the room and pleaded, “Please, sir, may we have our teacher back?”

72. Little JOHNNY: “ My little sister is so smart! She’s only in nursery school and she can spell her name backwards and forwards!” Friend: “Really? What’s her name?” JOHNNY: “ Anna.”

73. “It’s clear JOHNNY ,” said the teacher, “You haven’t studied your geography. What’s your excuse?” “Well, my dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait a little while until it settles down!”

74. Little JOHNNY teacher always rewarded good work by putting a gold star at the top of her students’ homework. One day JOHNNY came home with a big zero at the top of his paper. “ JOHNNY , what does this mean?” asked his mother. “Oh,” JOHNNY explained, “My teacher ran out of stars, so she gave me a moon.”

75. Teacher: “ JOHNNY , spell mouse?” JOHNNY : “M O U S” Teacher: Yes, and what’s on the end of it? JOHNNY : A tail?

76. Little JOHNNY was sipping his favorite strawberry soda at McDonalds when his friend strolled in. JOHNNY looked up from the drink and said, “Thought you were over at Jenny’s house.” “I’m through with girls,” his friend said, “After all, they’re a dime a dozen.” “You mean it?” JOHNNY again halted his sipping. “A dime a dozen? Gee whiz. And all this time, I’ve been spending my money on sodas.”

77. Little JOHNNY and his friend were hiking when they came upon a huge bear. JOHNNY sat down, took a pair of track shoes out his knapsack and started to put them on. “You’ are wasting your time.” said his friend. “You can’t outrun that bear even with your track shoes on.” JOHNNY replied, “I don’t have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you.”

78. Littl e JOHNNY walked into a pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to give him something to cure the hiccups. The pharmacist merely leaned over and slapped the kid on the back. “Why did you do that to me?” asked JOHNNY . “Well, you don’t have the hiccups now, do you!” “No, but my Mom out in the car still does!” JOHNNY replied.

79. Little SUZIE: “My baby brother is only one year old, but he has been walking, now, for six months.” Little JOHNNY : “My goodness… he must be awfully tired?”

80. It was a wonderfully deep snow and the little JOHNNY stood at the top of a hill readying his sled for a slide downhill. Another boy came up to him and asked, “Can I share your sled?” “Sure,” JOHNNY said. “You take it uphill and I’ll take it down!”

81. Teacher: “ JOHNNY , why are you late for school?” JOHNNY : “Well, y’see , I was dreaming about a football game and it went into overtime. So, y’see , I had to… had to… stay asleep to see the finish.”

82. Little JOHNNY loved his daddy and hated to see him leave everyday to go to work. He asked his mom, “Mom, why does Daddy have to leave us and go to work everyday?” Mom replied, “So he can earn money to bring home so that we can pay our bills and put food on the table.” “Are you saying that if he doesn’t go to work everyday, we will have to eat off the floor?” JOHNNY replied.

83. “ JOHNNY !” exclaimed his mother, “You must not…simply must not pull the cat’s tail!” “But, Mama,” little JOHNNY insisted, “I’m not pulling its tail. I’m just holding on to it. It’s the cat that’s doing all the pulling.”

84. A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing what the dog's duties might be. "They use him to keep the crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, “He's just for good luck." Little JOHNNY concluded. "No silly, you're both wrong! They use the dog to find the fire hydrant!"

85. Little JOHNNY was kissed by a girl he really liked, but after only a few seconds, JOHNNY abruptly ended his first kiss. "I'm so sorry, but I can't continue!" he said. "Why not," the girl asked, “Didn't you like it?“ "No, that's not it," JOHNNY replied. "It's my mom. She said that if I kiss a girl before I'm sixteen, I'll turn into a statue, and I can start to feel it happening in my trousers!"

86. The teacher fell asleep in class and a little JOHNNY walked up to him... JOHNNY : "Teacher are you ... sleeping in class?" Teacher : "No I am not sleeping in class." JOHNNY : "What were you doing sir ?" Teacher : " I was talking to God." The next day the naughty boy fell asleep in class and the same teacher walks up to him... Teacher : “Young man, you are sleeping in my class." JOHNNY : "No not me sir, I am not sleeping." Angry teacher: "What were you doing.??" JOHNNY : "I was talking to God." Angry teacher: "What did He say??" JOHNNY : "God said He never spoke to you yesterday..."

87. L ittle JOHNNY goes to his dad and asks: 'Dad, what's Politics?' Dad says, 'Well JOHNNY , let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. Your nanny, we will consider her the Working Class , a nd your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.' So little JOHNNY goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little JOHNNY goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, little JOHNNY say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. ' The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.’ Little JOHNNY replies, 'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class, while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

88. Little JOHNNY and a little girl are in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl starts to cry so JOHNNY asks her "What's wrong?" The little girl responds "I have to get a blood test, so they're going to cut open my finger." JOHNNY’s jaw drops and he says "Oh shit! I'm getting a urine test."

89. L ittle JOHNNY wants his toy, so he walks up to his mother and says "Mom, give me my toy." His mother responds by saying, "What are the magic words?" So JOHNNY says the magic words and his mom gives him his toy. The next day, JOHNNY starts kindergarten. At snack time, JOHNNY wants some juice, so he walks up to his teacher and asks for a juice box. The teacher says "What are the magic words?" So JOHNNY says the magic words. But the teacher gets upset, and calls the little boy's mother and asks her to come in. When the three of them are sitting in the room together, the teacher asks the mother; "Have you been teaching your son sarcasm?" "No," the mother says, "Why, what did he do?" "Well, he asked for a juicebox ," said the teacher, "and I asked him to say the magic words, and instead of saying please, he said ‘You're thin, and you're beautiful.'"

90. A man and a little JOHNNY enter a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc , he placed JOHNNY in the chair. "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes." When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said JOHNNY . "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!’”

91. One day little JOHNNY asked his father, “Dad, what is between moms legs?” His father replies, “The door to heaven!” “Then what is between yours?” JOHNNY asked. “The key to the door!” his father replied, Then JOHNNY said, “I think you should change the lock because our neighbor has the spare key.”

92. The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an E. Little JOHNNY says: “Elephant.” Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a T. JOHNNY says: “Two elephants.” The teacher sends JOHNNY out of the class for bad behaviour. After that she asks for an animal beginning with M. JOHNNY shouts from the other side of the door: “Maybe an elephant!”

93. Little JOHNNY’s parents felt really horny at 11am on Sunday and wanted to make love, but had to get JOHNNY away for at least one hour. So they told him to go to the balcony and report all activities of their neighbours for the next hour. Being the innocent, dutiful son he was raised to be, he did as he was told. His parents amused themselves, and then came the formality of the report at 12 PM. JOHNNY said “For the past hour, the Wilsons were watching TV, Mr. Cole was playing the piano, the Johnsons were playing carrom together and the Donald's were having sex.” His parents were shocked! They asked JOHNNY “How do you know that?” He said “Their son was out on the balcony too.”

94. Teacher: “ JOHNNY , write a sentence ending with the word hand.” JOHNNY : “My penis in your hand.” Teacher: “What?” JOHNNY : “Sorry ma’am, I forgot to put a space between pen is.”

95. Describing his teacher to his mother, little JOHNNY called her “mean but fair.” “Just what do you mean by that?” his mother asked. “She is mean to everybody.” JOHNNY replied.

96. A little JOHNNY had just finished his first week of school. “I’m wasting my time,” he said to his mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!”

97. Teacher: You aren’t paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing? Little JOHNNY : No, teacher I’m having trouble listening!

98. The new family in the neighborhood overslept and little JOHNNY missed his school bus. The father, though late for work himself, had to drive him. Since he did not know the way, he said that he would have to direct him to the school. They rode several blocks before he told him to turn the first time, several more before he indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes, but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home. The father, much annoyed, asked JOHNNY why he’d led him around in such a circle. JOHNNY explained, “That’s the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It’s the only way I know.”

99. L ittle JOHNNY came home from school and said to his mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.” The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?” JOHNNY replied, “My homework.”

100. TEACHER: Tell the class what book you read during your holidays. L ittle JOHNNY : Black Beauty. TEACHER: And tell the class what it was about? L ittle JOHNNY : It was about 120 pages.