Marriage enrichment resources

MARRIAGE ERICHMET RESOURCES
BY PASTOR GLE PEASE
ITRODUCTIO
The following materials have been collected from many different sources, and where
the author has been identified they are named, but if they are not identified I thank
them for their contribution to the enrichment of marriages. ot everthing here will
speak to every couple, but something here will speak to every couple if they will
listen. Strive to find those topics that do speak to you and you will guarantee an
enriched marriage.
A
ACCEPTACE
This is basic to any happy relationship. If you do not accept a person for who they are, but
only for what you hope they will be, you do not really love them, but you love your image of
what they could be. They are not now acceptable to you, and so they are not loved for who they
are, but only for their potential, which you hope to make actual. You love what you think you can
make of them, and so you are really just in love with your own sense of creativity. Acceptance
means you love a person for who and what they are in the present.
If a person does not feel accepted just as they are, with all of their imperfections, they will
not feel loved. A friend is one we feel comfortable with, because they know our imperfection, and
yet they like us. Lovers should be the best of friends, and be able to accept who we are. This
gives us a sense of security.
Acceptance does not mean you approve of all a person is, or that you see no reason for
change and improvement in some areas. There are people you get along with well, and they are
friends, but you may not like some aspect of their personality or behaviour. You still like them
and enjoy their company, however, because you accept them inspite of these defects. If you
rejected them because of these things you would not be friends. So mates do not have to like all
that is a part of each others being and behaviour, but they need to accept the whole package.
One of the greatest gifts you can give your mate is the gift of acceptance. This takes the burden
off, and allows a couple to be free to be themselves, and this will almost always mean more
emotional energy available to do loving things with each other.
Acceptance, says Andre Bustanoby, does not mean you never question the other persons
behaviour, opinions, or ideas. Acceptance means you do not question the other person's worth as
a person and as a partner. Bustanoby was a dogmatic person who judged peopld all the time as
being wrong because they were not like him. He could not accept people until he came across I
Pet. 2:17 where it says we are to honor all men. The Greek word is timao, which means "To
recognize the worth of." He learned that Christians are not expected to approve or like
everything about everybody, but they are expected to recognize the worth of everybody, and
honor them for that worth. All are made in the image of God and are potential children of God,
made worthy of receiving eternal life as a free gift because of the sacrifice of Christ upon the
cross.
When Jesus ate with Publicans and sinners, the Pharisees blasted him for accepting such
people. They refused to do so, and felt superior to Jesus. Jesus did not accept their sin, but he
accepted them as people of worth, and many were saved because of His acceptance.
Acceptance is just another word for love, and it has the power to change people. People tend to

change in response to those that give them feelings of self8worth. Someone said, "We often give
freely what we do not permit a person to take by force.
Acceptance of your limitations is a key to mental health. People crack up because they can not
live up to unrealistic expectations. Marriages break up for the same reason. People expect the
ideal, and in a fallen world this is putting too much pressure on marriage. Every marriage
counsellor who has written a book will tell you it is unrealistic to expect to avoid conflict and
problems. It is wiser to expect them as normal. So your mate is neurotic and immature8what's
new? This is only a problem if you take everything seriously. If you accept these defects and do
not tell yourself this is horrible, you can take your focus off of these negatives, and focus on the
positives for which you married them. This acceptance can motivate them to change the
negatives to be more acceptable.
You accept yourself, even though you know your weaknesses and inadequacies. You forgive
yourself and seek only to please yourself. You love yourself, because you give yourself full
acceptance. You are to love your mate as you love yourself, and this means full acceptance of
them as they are. Mates doing this for each other helps them to a higher level of self8acceptance,
which means more freedom to grow and become the more we are all capable of becoming.
Acceptance is not real unless it is based on openess and honesty. Some seek to be accepted by
means of deceit and what they have is not real acceptance at all. They go to church with a
woman before marriage, but have no intention of doing so after they are married. She never
smokes in courtship, but after marriage it comes out that she is a chain smoker. She talks of
economy before the wedding, but after she reveals she has extravagant tastes. He pretends to
have only a moderate interest in hunting before, but after he reveals he is an absolute fanatic.
This sort of dishonesty is unethical and puts a heavy burden on your mate to accept you. You
should be honest before marriage so their is acceptance of who you really are and not
acceptance of an illusion.
God made all of us unique, and devised a system whereby there is no assembly line for
producing masses of people all alike. He made infinite differences possible so that each of us
would be one of a kind. Acceptance means recognizing the value of this plan, and not try to altar
it by robbing anyone of their uniqueness. Let people be who they are in their basic personality.
Things they have picked up that are not what God intended for anyone to be, can and should be
fought. Bad habits, criminal behaviour or anti8social behaviour, and ignorance are not part of who
they are, but of what they have become because of environment and bad choices.
These things are not to be accepted in a mate or anyone else. Change is essential, and needs
to be fought for with enthusiasm. Acceptance means to recognize that even the bad things a
person has picked up along the way are not who they are in essence. They are more than that
and can be more than they are. They have the potential of still being all the God made them to
be, and they need to be loved and accepted as such.
Acceptance is the key to all relationships. If you do not accept people who are short, heavy,
red or black, rich or poor, or Swedish, you will not have a relationship with them. You may not
like all of the life patterns of these people, and what they eat and what they like to read, but you
have to like who they are or you are no friend. So it is with your mate. Accept who they are and
be a friend, and you will have a happier marriage. You do not expect perfection in a friend, so
don't expect it in a mate. Accept imperfection and focus on the things that make them lovable.
Authorities who have studied the issue for years tell us that not accepting a mate as they are,
but laboring to change them, is folly for these reasons:
1. It just does not work.
2. It causes all kinds of marriage problems.
3. It destroys the love that brought you together.
4. It frequently is the road to divorce.
Mates need to be admired by their partner. This is especially so with men. If a wife spends a
lot of time trying to change him he will feel rejected and lose his affection for her. Acceptance

leads to affection. Lack of acceptance leads of loss of affection. One of histories great marriages
was destroyed in this way.
Tolstoi was one of the greatest novelists of all time. His War and Peace and Anna Karenina
are considered literary masterpieces. He was a man of great wealth and fame and had a blissfully
happy marriage. But then he read the teachings of Jesus and felt the need to not be so
materialistic. He gave up his wealth and even the publishing rights to his books. His wife could
not accept this change of life8style. She spent years trying to change him. She screamed and
threw fits of hysteria and even threatened to kill herself if he did not change. He came to the
point that he could no longer stand the sight of her. He wrote beautiful love passages about her
earlier in their marriage, but his dying request was that she not be permitted to come into his
presence. This is the level of tragedy that can happen when a mate is not accepted for who they
are or who they have become.
Someone said, "God loves us and accepts us just as we are, but he loves us too much to
leave us that way." Here is the paradox of acceptance with a desire to change. That is the
paradox every marriage must struggle with also. Without acceptance their can be no happiness,
but without change their can be no growth. So acceptance does not mean no desire for change.
It just means that growth must come by freedom of choice, and not by pressure and coersion.
God does not force us to change, but leaves us free to do so, and encourages us to do so. Mates
need to let each other be free to change, but not be forever harping on it. It is human nature to
resist change that is imposed on us, and that is why mates seldom succeed in changing each
other. Change has to come as a free will choice.
One of the truths that mates must accept is that there is no perfect marriage in this life.
Two imperfect people can not make a perfect couple. In marriage two defective people become
more aware of each others defects than any one else in the world. We can hide our defects from
others, but they are on display for our mates. This has led one wit to define marriage, as that
device of society, designed to make trouble between two people who would otherwise get along
very well.
Courtship is a specialized relationship where defects are hidden as much as possible.
Marriage forces us to deal with all that hidden stuff. It is superficial to say, "May those who
enter the paths of matrimony never meet with thorns." That is the very essence of marriage8to
meet with, and deal with the thorns, and learn how to encorporate them into the total package
of togetherness.
The most common way to deal with differences is to try and change your mate so they are
like you. The list of people who have succeeded with this approach can be filed under your
finger nail without pain. It just doesn't work. It does lead to changes, however, but they are for
the worse. Anne Kristin Carroll in Together Forever, says that in her counselling eighty percent
of the affairs that destroy marriages happen because of a non8accepting spirit. The most
common response of men who have affairs is this: "Anne, it wasn't so much that I didn't love
my wife, but there was never any peace at home. She was always pushing, always trying to
change me, put me into a mold. I didn't intend to get involved in an affair, it just happened.
You see, the woman I'm involved with makes no demands, she takes me like I am, and although
I know it's wrong, I feel free for the first time in years, I feel accepted...." Most wives say the
same in an affair.
Everyone has limitations and needs to be accepted for who they are, and not feel they will
only be accepted when they are someone else. If everyday you told your mate something you
liked about them, you would enrich your marriage. If, however, you tell them everyday
something you don't like, you will undermine your marriage. Try this experiment: Everyday for a
week tell your mate at least one thing you like about them.
ACCEPTACE
1. This is the key to a mature marriage. As soon as a couple ceases to try to change their mate,
and accepts them as they are, they begin to enjoy their marriage. Someone wrote,
If I quit hoping he'll show up with flowers, and

He quits hoping I'll squeeze him an orange, and
I quit shaving my legs with his razor, and
He quits wiping his feet with my face towel, and
We avoid discussions like
Is he really smarter than I am, or simply more glib,
Maybe we'll make it.
If I quit looking to prove that he's hostile, and
He quits looking for dust on the tables, and
I quit inviting Lousie with the giggle, and
He quits inviting Jerome with the comples, and
We avoid discussions like
Suppose I died, which one of our friends would he marry,
Maybe we'll make it......
If I quit clearing the plates while he's eating, and
He quits clearing his throat while I'm speaking, and
I quit implying I could have done better, and
He quits inplying he wishes I had, and
We avoid discussions like
Does his mother really love him, or is she simply one of
those over8possessive, devouring women who can't
let go,
Maybe we'll make it.
2. Emerson, "ever try to make another individual into a copy of yourself, for God knows, and
you should too, that one person like you is all the world can stand."
3. Do not be like the wife who said,"I want him to have his opinions8I just don't want to hear
them." The golden rule of marriage is "Do unto one another as you would a month before you
married."
4. Marabel Morgan wrote, "Second, if you suspect your husband won't ever break out of his rut,
face that fact and accept it. ewspaper columnist Sydney J. Harris said, "The most difficult and
most essential task in marriage is learning which defects must be ignored and accepted in the
other partner. Most unhappy marriages are created by trying to change what cannot be changed.
5. Michael Emmons said in Accepting Each Other, "In their pursuit of fast change, many partners
resort to force. In an attempt to get the other person to "shape up," they employ condemnation
and even physical force. But the fact is that individuals who use coercive actions to try to get
their partners to change are fighting a losing battle. The result is invarieably that the other
partner rebels, directly or indirectly, in effect responding in just the opposite way to what the first
partner had hoped. Harshness will inadvertently create a result you are not seeking. Aggression
beget aggression88or withdrawal.
A slow, loving, patient approach will help produce enduring change. The patient way to seek
change is one of kindness, gentleness, respectfulness, couteousness. To increase intimacy,
behave intimately. Demonstrate genuinely caring responses toward your partner. Go out of your
way to be kind. Show respect for your partner's feelings and attitudes. Give gentle touches and
hugs. Patience may come hard for you88as it does for most of us88but it will encourage your
partner to reciprocate positively."
6. If you accept your mate you do not expect them to always conform to your way of thinking.
You accept their differences and give them the freedom to express those differences. If two
people only agree because one feels bound to do so, that is a form of bondage and will lead to
resentment. Love is to liberate and not imprison another person.
7. Mildred Tengbom said before she went to India as a missionary a wise man said to her, "Your
missionary career will fall into three stages. The first is the honeymoon phase when you are
completely enamored with the country and the people.
The second phase begins when you start to perceive shortcomings and failures in the people
to whom God has called you. To your dismay, you may discover they lie, cheat, steal, talk behind
your back, live immoral lives, and think nothing of it. Your disillusionment may be so great you
may actually find yourself hating the people, though you would never say so.
During the third stage, you may become cynical and go home. Or you may accept them as

they are and begin to love with common sense."
Marriages go through the same stages. We have to come to the point where we realize we
are not perfect and we need to accept each other with all of our defects. If you expect your
marriage to be perfect you have taken the first step toward despair and divorce.
8. People only feel free to change in an atmosphere where they are accepted as they are. One
has to feel security to change and be different. Under threat and rejection we tend to harden in
our present state. Acceptance leads us to desire to climb to a higher level.
9. At best a relationship should feel like home. It should be a place where you feel let in without
fanfare or having to be something you are not. A relationship should always be your place. It is
where you are accepted when you are not your best, when you have anxious days, when you
feel you sound crazy, when you fail as well as when you succeed.
Being accepted doesn't mean that your shortcomings are condoned. It means, rather, that
you are not being rejected because parts of you are unacceptable. And just as you want to be
accepted, so you must accept your partner. Your partner's shortcomings embarrass you most
when your own acceptablity seems to depend on them.
Acceptance is not a compromise. What you accept, you must accept completely.
You cannot permit what you do not accept to diminish your love. It is this gift of acceptance
that allows us to love each other perfectly in spite of our imperfections.
In your relationship, you must acccept:
This time: As much as you would like to return to the past to set things straight, or as much
as you yearn for the day when you will have what you want, you only live in the present. You
are only alive now. You need to accept how you are here, in this moment. It is when you are
what you are, not what you were, not what you will be.
This place: This is where you are now. Don't daydream about where you want to be. Make
plans to get there, but make plans from this place. Gather your forces here. Accept that you are
here and take your next step from where you now stand. More false steps are made because
people are mistaken about where they are than because they do not know where they are going.
This person: You are yourself. You are only yourself. What you will be does not matter nor
does what you have been. Only your fullest acceptance of yourself as you are can give you the
momentum to change and grow. Denying what you are, your faults and your needs, only clouds
your ability to motivate yourself and give to yourself. You can only give to others from the truth
of who you are. You are everything that has led up to your being what you are. To be whole,
don't deny your parts. Accept yourself as good.
This other person: The person you love is also what he or she is, nothing more or less. Your
failure to accept your partner is the burden of your relationship, the obstacle to your love, and
the resistance to being happy together. Give your acceptance freely, without reservation. You
don't need to like your partner's shortcomings, but you need to accept that they exist. Do not
diminish your acceptance with conditions. If your relationship is to work, it needs room for all of
the parts of you and your partner.
Acceptance is the catalyst of growth, the greatest gift of all.
ACTIG
1. O. H. Mowrer said, "It is easier to act yourself into a better way of feeling than to feel yourself
into a better way of acting." So act better than you feel, and fake it till you make it.
2. It is up to you to stop the strife.
It is up to you to change your life.
It is up to you to cease the fight.
It is up to you to make things right.
ACTIVE WIFE88PASSIVE HUSBAD
1. One part of the answer has been supplied by Pierre Mornell and his research on "the passive
male." Dr. Mornell, a psychiatrist who has specialized in marriage counseling, contends that
many men who are very active, articulate, energetic, and succesfful in their work come home at
night and are inactive, inarticulate, lethargic, withdrawn, and passive in their relationships with
their wives. When the husband comes home from a stress8filled and active day at work that has
been overloaded with problem8solving challenges, he is ready to "tune out." He is not seeking
the stress that often goes with a room full of people. He is not seeking conflict. He is not
seeking new challenges. He is not seeking the "opportunity" to solve someone else's problems.

He is looking for peace, quiet, privacy, and the opportunity to relax.
His wife, who may have been at home all day, is often ready for conversation, company,
excitement, and activity. Her husband is not. Dr. Mornell suggest this active wife88passive
husband syndrome may be a major factor behind the soaring divorce rate in recent years.
ADAM
1. Oh! woman88. in this world of ours,
What gift can be compar'ed to thee?
How slow would drag life's weary hours,
Though man's proud brow were bound with flowers,
And his the wealth of land and sea,
If destin'd to exist alone,
And ne'er call woman's heart his own. 888George Perkins Morris
2. In hours of joy. But he alone
Knows woman's love, how deep, how strong
Who has had hurt and loss and wrong.
Perhaps he hardly knew he had
Her love when all her love was glad,
But he shall learn, who love may slight,
A woman's love is like a light.
Shining the brightest in the night. 8888Douglas Mallock
3.
ADAM AD EVE
1. God was the first adam spliter. The result was Eve exploded on the scene and woman has ever
since been having explosive effects on man. Marriage is the result of the worlds first susrgery.
God was the first surgeon and Adam the first patient and Eve the first thing to evser be removed
by surgery. lThe whole thing was quite an operation. The doctor actually provided his patient
with a nurse out of his own body for he created Eve to be his helper. So the Garden of Eden
was the first surgical ward where all human relationships began. The point of all surgery is to put
something in or take something out that makes for wellness and Eve was just the medicine Adam
needed. The first purpose of marriage is completeness. Adam needed Eve to be complete and
whole.
2. Gen. 2:21825 Here we see the pure feeling of love. Sin was not a part of their original nature
and there was no shame in their nakedness. The more we get back to where God made us the
more we can enjoy sex without shame. Mates often do not enjoy all that they can because of
fear and shame and loss of freedom to tell each other what gives them pleasure. Here is the first
case of love at first sight. Adam could say with the words from Hamlet8
Doubt thou the stars are fire,
Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar,
But never doubt I love.
Adam could not make a mistake and choose a wife out of God's will. He had only one choice
and he stayed with her through thick and thin for life. Some feel God makes a specific mate for
each person as he did for Adam, but the Bible does not say this and just says the Beliver should
not marry and unbeliever.
God made it clear that the best state for a man is not to be alone, but to have a mate and
partner for companionship. Adam has it all in terms of beauty, a job, and perfect environment,
but he was not complete without a woman. He had fellowship with God even, but nothing could
take the place of a woman. She was the crown of creation for man. Sex is a human need that is
not met by the things of the spirit. F.W. Robertson said, "There are two rocks in this world of
ours on which the soul must either anchor or be wrecked8the one is God, and the other is the
opposite sex." God and man agree that it is better to have a fallen world with women than a
perfect world without them. The first bachelor was not content with perfection. His first problem
was solved with a wife. His second problem was his wife. Here was the first wedding and no
wedding dress but all were naked at this wedding and no shame. They had no knowledge of

how sex could be used in immoral ways and so there was no shame for all was pure in the sight
of God and man.
Everyone needs help and that was why God made Adam a helper of complete life. Mates are
to help make life easier for each other. Adam had a language and was to name all of the animals,
but he had no one to talk to. Woman was made for man to have someone to communicate with.
Having no one to talk to was an imperfection in the garden of Eden. We all need to communicate
and marriage is to provide this.
3. Jack R. Taylor writes, "Adam wa saying, as he recognized her as "bone of my bones, and
flesh of my flesh," that she was the finishing touch on his glory. If man is the head, she is the
crown, a crown to her husband, and the crown to visible creation. Man was dust8refined but the
woman was dust double8refined, one remove further from the earth. "I was not all here until
you came. ow that you have come, I am complete. You are the rest of me. ow we can fulfil
what the Father ordained us to be and do."
4. Abrahan Lincoln at age of 17 wrote this and sang it on the occasion of his sister's marriage88
The woman was not taken
From Adam's feet, we see;
So we must not abuse her88
The meaning seems to be.
The woman was not taken
From Adam's head, we know;
To show she must not rule him88
'Tis evently so.
The woman88she was taken
From under Adam's arm;
So she must be protected
From unjuries and harm.
5. orman Lobsenz writes, "One woman I know was distressed by her husband's chronic
thoughtlessness. Immered in business affairs, he seldom even remembered her birthday. "I
could have tired to force him into changing his ways," she said, "but it seemed to me that this
woul donoy make matters worse. Instead, I waited for the first chance I had to praise him for
some small act of thoughtfulness. When he finally brought home a book I had asked for four
times, I thanked him as if it were a diamod necklace! He looked at me oddly, but I could see he
was pleased. I did this a few more times, and gradually he began to want to think about me
because he enjoyed being appreciated.
6. Dr. Harley stresses that the male especially needs to be appreciated by his mate to be
motivated to acheive all that he can. It is also the key way that men get involved in affairs
because some other woman they work with expresses admiration for them and their work.
7. John Milton conviction is stated by Johnson , " The marriage of Adam and Eve is archetypal;
God set Eve before Adam to relieve his loneliness, a loneliness he has in his nature as man even
before the fall . Thus marriage is not to be seen as existing primarily for the remedy of lust or for
the procreation of children, for adam was given Eve by God before they knew lust, and like wise
the injunction to fill the earth comes after the gift of a meet help. It is the concept of Eve as
meet help to Adam to which Milton returns again and again and which sets the tone of all that he
has to say about marriage."
8. The lesson of Eden is there is no such thing as a trouble free life or a perfect enviroment. It
is pure fantasy to think life would be perfect somewhere else or with someone else. Your
problems may be different, but you would still have problems.
AFFAIRS
1. Why are they more common now than ever before?
A. Temptation is more open.
B. Opportunity is more available.
C. Fear of pregancy is eliminated.
D. Breakdown of mortality.
E. Lack of commitment.

AFFECTIO
[Print out and pass this file to every married person you know!
It has changed my marriage, and I hope it helps other people as
much as it helped me. 8Servant]
____________________________________________________________
Cultivating Affection in Your Marriage
a textfile from a booklet by
Willard F. Harley Jr., Ph. D.
(c)1987 Focus on the Family
Typed by Servant
____________________________________________________________
When Jane fell in love with Richard, she knew she had found her
prince. At six feet three inches, Richard's 195 pounds were as
lean and muscular at age 23 as they had been when Jane admired
him on the basketball court in high school. Ruggedly handsome,
Richard was the strong, silent type, which only made him more
intriguing to Jane. Dates with Richard felt exciting, and when
he held her in his arms the passion level went right off the
scale.
"We've got the right chemistry," Jane assured herself.
However, after just a few months of marriage, the passion began
to pall. Jane started noticing something a bit odd: Whenever
she cuddled up for a hug or a little kiss, Richard became
sexually aroused almost immediately. Almost without
exception, physical contact led straight to the bedroom.
Jane also learned that Richard's "strong, silent" courting
style had covered his tendencies for extreme moodiness and
keeping almost everything to himself. Before they married,
Richard had told Jane that his mother had died when he was
just 10, and his father and two older brothers raised him. She
hadn't thought too much of it. "That's probably why he's so
rugged and manly," she told herself.
Jane didn't realize that Richard had grown up in a home where
displays of affection were not frequent before his mother died,
and afterward they became almost nonexistent. He literally
didn't know how to give affection, because he had received so
little himself. For Richard, AFFECTIO in marriage was
synonymous with SEX, something that left Jane feeling
disillusioned and used. As their marriage approached its first
anniversary, Richard's account in Jane's "Love Bank" barely
held its own. (before the story continues, let's define the
term "Love Bank." To help my clients understand how powerful
and all8consuming a person's needs can become, I have invented

a rather artificial little device that I call the Love Bank.
Figuratively speaking, I believe each of us has a Love Bank.
It contains many different accounts, one for each person we
know. People make their deposits or withdrawals whenever we
interact with them. Pleasurable interactions cause deposits,
and painful interactions cause withdrawals. As life goes on,
the accounts in our Love Banks fluctuate. Some of our
acquaintances build sizable deposits. Others remain in the
black, but have small balances. Still others go into the red.
In short, their accounts in our Love Banks are overdrawn. ow
lets get back to our story.) At work, Jane was transferred to
a new department, and there she met Bob, a warm and affable
fellow who loved everyone. Bob had the habit of draping his
arm over the shoulder of whomever he walked with88male and
female alike. o one took offense. He was just a friendly man
who liked everybody.
Jane noticed that she started to look forward to Bob's
occasional hugs. They always made her feel good 88 warm and
comfortable and cared for. One day they met in the hall.
"Hi, Jane, how ya doin'?" Bob greeted her as he gave her a
little hug.
"You know, Bob," she said. "I've meant to tell you for a long
time how much I appreciate your hugs. It's nice to meet a man
who likes to do that."
"Well, then, come here!" he laughed and gave her another hug
and a little kiss on the cheek.
Jane tried to act calm, but that little peck started her heart
pounding. It continued pounding in the following weeks as she
started receiving little notes from Bob. They were always
tasteful and sweet. One said, "Good morning! Hope your day is
full of blessings. You're a fine person and you deserve the
best. Your friend, Bob."
Jane began to reciprocate with notes of her own. Before long
she began to look forward to the arrival of Bob's latest note
as the high point of her day. Sometimes he would bring her a
little bouquet of flowers. That made her feel like a true
princess.
They lunched together several times, and Bob's account in
Jane's Love Bank climbed steadily. Jane found herself craving
every expression of the gentle affection she received from Bob
88 the hugs, the smiles, the notes. Finally, she wrote a note
to him: "I can't help it. I think I'm falling in love with
you."
Bob didn't respond in kind, but he continued to show Jane
kindness and affection. The weeks went by, and one day they
found themselves alone together in a secluded spot they had
chosen for a hurried lunch8hour picnic. As they packed up to
leave, Jane's hand touched Bob's, and she gave it a squeeze.
Bob responded with an especially affectionate hug, and what
followed came so naturally Jane couldn't believe it. Making

love with Bob was the most exciting experience of her life
because she knew he cared so much for her.
In the following weeks, they slipped off together as often as
possible for passionate lovemaking. Jane believed that having
sex with Bob was wonderful, because she could release all her
emotions and become thoroughly involved. Bob's genuine
affection made her feel loved and cared for as a person.
What had happened? Did Jane's wedding vows mean nothing to
her? Was she just waiting for her chance to two8time her
husband? Hardly. Jane simply felt so starved for affection
that she was willing to have an affair! Of course, this does
not justify the sin she and Bob committed.
AFFECTIO IS THE CEMET OF A RELATIOSHIP
To most women, affection symbolizes security, protection,
comfort and approval, vitally important commodities in their
eyes. When a husband shows his wife affection, he sends the
following messages:
1. I'll take care of you and protect you. You are
important to me, and I don't want anything to happen
to you.
2. I'm concerned about the problems you face, and I am
with you.
3. I think you've done a good job, and I'm so proud of
you.
A hug can say any and all of the above. Men need to understand
how strongly women desire these affirmations. FOR THE TYPICAL
WIFE, THERE CA HARDLY BE EOUGH OF THEM.
I believe hugging is a skill most men need to develop to show
their wives affection. It is also a simple but effective way
to build their accounts in a wife's Love Bank.
Most women love to hug. They hug each other, they hug
children, animals, relatives 88 even stuffed animals. I'm not
saying they will throw themselves into the arms of just anyone:
They can get quite inhibited about hugging if they think it
could be misinterpreted in a sexual way. But the rest of the
time, across most countries and cultures, women hug and like to
be hugged.
Obviously, a man can display affection in other ways that can
be equally important to a woman. A greeting card or a note
expressing love and care can simply but effectively communicate
the same emotions. Don't forget that all8time favorite 88 a
bouquet of flowers. Women, almost universally, love to receive
flowers. Occasionally, I meet a man who likes to receive them,
but most do not. For a majority of women, however, flowers
send a powerful message of love and concern.
An invitation to dinner also signals affection. It is a way of
saying to one's wife, "You don't need to do what you ordinarily
do for me. I'll treat you instead. You are special to me, and

I want to show you how much I love and care for you."
Jokes abound on how, almost immediately after the wedding, a
wife has to find her own way in and out of cars, houses,
restaurants, and so on. But a smart husband will open the door
for her at every opportunity 88 another way to tell her, "I
love you and care about you."
From a woman's point of view, affection is the essential cement
of her relationship with a man. Without it, a woman probably
feels alienated from her mate. With it she becomes tightly
bonded to him while he adds units to his Love Bank account.
BUT SHE KOWS I'M OT THE AFFECTIOATE TYPE
Men must get through their heads this vital idea: WOME FID
AFFECTIO IMPORTAT I ITS OW RIGHT. They love the feeling
that accompanies both the bestowal and reception of affection,
but IT HAS OTHIG TO DO WITH SEX. Most of the affection they
give and receive is not intended to be sexual. You might
better compare it to the emotions they exchange with their
children or pets.
All of this confuses the typical male. He sees showing
affection as part of sexual foreplay, and he is normally
aroused in a flash. In other cases, men simply want to skip
the affection business; they are aroused already.
Lets look in on a hypothetical couple we'll call Brenda and
Bruce. They have been having tension lately because Brenda
hasn't responded to Bruce's requests for sex. As our scene
opens, she senses Bruce has that look in his eye again, and she
tries to head him off at the pass: "Bruce, let's just relax
for a few minutes. Then maybe you can hold my hand, and we can
hug. I'm not ready for sex just like that. I need a little
affection first."
Bruce bristles with a type of macho impatience and says,
"You've known me for years. I'm not the affectionate type, and
I'm not going to start now!"
Does this sound incredible or far fetched? I hear versions of
it regularly in my office. That Bruce fails to see the irony
in wanting sex but refusing to give his wife affection would
seem amusing if it weren't so pathetic. A man who growls,
"I'm not the affectionate type," while reaching for his wife's
body to satisfy his desires for sex, is like a salesman who
tries to close a sale by saying, "I'm not the friendly type88
Sign here you turkey. I've got another appointment waiting."
Although they shouldn't have a hard time understanding this
simple logic, men lose track of Harley's First Law of Marriage:
/8888888888888888888888888888888888888888\
| When it comes to sex and affection, |
| you can't have one without the other! |
\8888888888888888888888888888888888888888/

AY MA CA LEAR TO BE AFFECTIOATE
I believe almost any husband can be taught to be more
affectionate. His best teacher is his wife, if she can:
1. Put aside her pride. It will do little good to sit
and pout, "If he really loved me, He'd know I need
lots of affection."
2. Be patient. Remember that the typical male does not
gave a strong need for affection. Sex, yes;
affection, no. He needs to become aware of his
wife's vital need for affection.
Affection is so important for women that they become confused
when their husbands don't respond in kind. For example, a wife
may call her husband at work, just to talk. She would love to
receive such a call and is sure he feels the same. She often
feels disappointed when he cuts it short because, "I've got all
this stuff to finish by five o'clock." It doesn't mean the
husband doesn't love her; he simply has different priorities
because of a different set of basic needs.
When I go on a trip, I often find little notes Joyce has packed
among my clothes. she is telling me she loves me, of course,
but the notes send another message as well. Joyce would like
to get the same little notes from me, and I have tried to
leave such notes behind 88 on her pillow, for example 88 when I
go out of town.
My needs for protection, approval and care are not the same as
hers, nor are they met in similar ways. I've had to discover
these differences and act accordingly. For example, when we
stroll through a shopping center, it is important to her that
we hold hands, something that would not occur to me naturally
or automatically. She has encouraged me to take her hand, and
I'm glad to do so, because I know she enjoys that and it says
something she wants to hear.
When I try to explain this kind of hand holding to some
husbands in my counseling office, they may question my manhood
a bit. Isn't my wife "leading me by the nose" so to speak? I
reply that in my opinion nothing could be further from the
truth. If holding Joyce's hand in a shopping center makes her
feel loved and cherished, I would be a fool to refuse to do it
because I thought not doing it would make me look "macho." I
appreciate her coaching on how to show affection. I promised
to care for her when I married her, and I meant every word of
it. If she explains how I can best give her the care she
wants, I'm happy to learn, because I want her happiness.
Almost all men need some instruction in how to become more
affectionate. The men who are good at it learned how to do it
from good coaches 88 perhaps a former girlfriend. So, unless a
wife wants to pay a counselor to do it later in her marriage,
early on she will understand she is the proper teacher for her
husband when it comes to teaching him how to be affectionate,
and she will take appropriate action.

Women find it hard to do this, because they want such behavior
from their husbands to at least appear spontaneous. But any
new behavior is not spontaneous until it is well learned.
Remember the two prerequisites already mentioned: Put aside
your pride and be patient.
First, help your husband feel good about displaying affection.
Whatever you do, never nag or hang on him or try to force some
affection out of him. This kind of negative reinforcement will
only make him more cold and distant. Instead create situations
that lend themselves to positive reinforcement.
Rather than waiting for him to slip up behind you to do his
customary caressing that usually ends with your telling him,
"ot now, I'm trying to make dinner," it might be better to
take the direct approach. One simple scenario, played out in
the privacy of a living room could go like this:
PEGGY: (after turning down the television): "I'm
interrupting this program to ask you an important
question. Do you love me?"
PETE: (a bit puzzled and anxious to get his newscast back):
"Of course, you know I do."
PEGGY: "Then give me a little hug 88 just a little one so I
know you care about me." (She slips into Pete's
arms, gets her hug, and slips out again.) As she
turns the TV back up she says: "Thanks, I needed
that."
Another approach to affection lessons can be make in the semi8
privacy of the family car:
ALICE: (sliding over on the seat): "Remember when we were
dating and you used to drive everywhere with one
hand?"
AL: "Yup, it's a wonder I didn't get a ticket or in an
accident."
ALICE: (snuggling close and putting her head on his
shoulder): "Could you see if you haven't lost your
touch? If we get stopped, I'll explain everything
to the policeman."
There are other approaches, of course. Every wife needs to
develop one that will work for her. It could be something as
simple as:
* Slipping your hand into his as you walk into church.
* Mentioning how cool the movie theater's air conditioning is
as you gently tug to get his arm around you.
Follow this cardinal rule when coaching your husband in the
fine art of affection: Keep it casual. Listen and watch
carefully. If he communicates any feelings of discomfort88
verbal or nonverbal 88 just back off and try again later.
Remember to build your strategy on positive reinforcement, and
aim at helping your husband develop a habit of displaying the
kind of affection that doesn't always have to lead
automatically to sex.

SEX BEGIS WITH AFFECTIO
Over the years, I have seen nothing more devastating to a
marriage than an affair, because it destroys the one8flesh bond
of a husband and wife. Sadly enough, most affairs start
because of a lack of affection (for the wife) and lack of sex
(for the husband). It is quite a vicious circle. She doesn't
get enough affection, so she shuts him off sexually. He
doesn't get enough sex, so the last thing he feels like being
is affectionate.
I constantly deal with couples caught on this kind of merry8go8
round, but it is anything but merry. I STRIVE TO GET THEM TO
STOP THE MERRY8GO8ROUD, GET OFF, AD START BUILDIG A
RELATIOSHIP O MUTUAL CARIG, OT MUTUAL EED IG.
Some husbands don't feel too happy at first when I explain that
affection is the EVIROMET of the marriage, and sex is an
EVET. But even the most sex8hungry husband will agree that
you can't have sex ALL the time. You should, however, have
affection all the time, because it forms the canopy that
lovingly covers a marriage and provides shelter for the lover's
couch.
I work diligently to get such a husband to see that he must
shower his wife with affection, but without sex. I explain
that sex can come naturally enough and often, IF THERE IS
EOUGH AFFECTIO.
I have a simple plan. The husband sets as his goal making
affection his ordinary way of relating continuously to his
wife. He doesn't just turn on affection now and then in order
to get some sex. Whenever he and his wife come together, a
big hug and a kiss should be routine. In fact, almost every
interaction between a husband and wife should include
affectionate words and gestures. Am I saying they have to
constantly hug, kiss and whisper sweet nothings? ot at all,
but I do believe every marriage should have an atmosphere that
says, "I like you, I'm fond of you, I really do love you, and I
know you love me."
Women need affection regularly and often, at least several
times a day. A hug in the morning before getting out of bed, a
kiss good8bye as he leaves for work, a call during the day, a
card now and again in the mail, a big hug and kiss upon
arriving home, seating her at the dinner table, holding hands
in front of the television set 88 all these create the
environment of affection.
Sex, on the other hand, is an event, and in and of itself, a
special occasion. There should be a time and a place for it.
In that setting, affection comes into play as a part of sexual
intercourse.
At this point many men become confused. If I want him to save
sex for special occasions, what does a husband do with his
natural feelings of arousal, which can be triggered simply by

looking at his wife in just about any setting? When
counseling husbands on this, I teach them how to discipline
their thinking and reorient their behavior so they no longer
make a direct connection between affection and sex.
Some men don't find it easy. They want to know if they have to
go back to the "just take a cold shower" routine they got when
they were courting their wives. I reply that they need not
take the cold showers, but it wouldn't hurt to remember how
they acted toward their wives when they dated. They showed
plenty of affection and attention then. The usual routine
included dinner and perhaps a show or some other form of
entertainment. Throughout the evening the young man treated
the young lady with respect and tenderness. On the way home
they often stopped to park and admire a lovely view. He
slipped his arm around her and both of them seemed to enjoy the
physical contact that followed.
A lot of husbands do remember the passionate encounters of
their courting day and want to know, "Why doesn't she get
turned on the way she used to, now that we're married?"
I patiently explain that she isn't getting turned on OW
because he isn't treating her as he did THE. Does he think
getting married suddenly eliminates the woman's need for
affection? A man should work as carefully and patiently at
showing affection in his marriage as he did when he and his
wife dated. This sounds simplistic to some men; they think I
am chiding them for not "being romantic enough." Don't I know
that the romantic stuff is impractical and unnecessary when
you're married?
I respond that I know no such thing. In fact, I suggest they
have put things in total reverse and could be asking for real
trouble. Wives treated with little or no romance are ripe for
an affair.
Why? In most cases, in order for a woman to willingly have sex
with a man, she needs to feel one with him in spirit. A couple
achieves this one8spirit unity through the exchange of
affection and the passage of time. A woman's need for one8
spirit unity helps us understand how affairs develop. Only
after a woman has received affection for a time will she become
one with a man physically, but affection MUST come before sex.
In the typical affair, a woman has sex with a man after he has
demonstrated his love for her by showering her with affection.
Because her lover has expressed such care for her, the physical
union is usually characterized by a degree of ecstasy otherwise
unknown to the woman in her marriage.
All this misleadingly makes affairs sound like forbidden fruit
and far more exciting than marriage could ever be. In truth,
any marriage can have the sizzle of an affair, if it has that
strong one8spirit bond.
Husbands will have little trouble interesting their wives in
sex if they have laid the proper groundwork with plenty of

affection. When you face such a troubled marriage, look for
the lack of groundwork. Without the environment of affection,
the sexual event is not predictably pleasant for the woman.
All too often, she reluctantly agrees to have sex with her
husband, even though she feels she won't have that great a
time. In an affair, however, the conditions that guarantee a
good time 88 the bonding that comes with affection and caring
88 are met. Her lover has taken time to create the right
environment. Consequently, she feels sexually aroused just at
the thought of him.
In most couples I see during counseling, I try to help the
husband to see that for his wife, affection has meaning far
beyond anything he can imagine. A woman experiences
immeasurable pleasure from the sensations she receives through
affection. Although these sensations are not the same ones she
enjoys during sexual arousal and intercourse, they form a vital
part of the relationship, because without them she usually
cannot get the most from a sexual experience.
Many husbands have this all backwards. Because they can become
aroused without giving it a thought, they think women can too.
Most women give sex quite a bit of thought and usually give
themselves permission to become sexually aroused. Customarily
they make a deliberate, conscious decision.
When counseling wives in troubled marriages, I usually have
little difficulty talking them into having more sex with their
husbands. For a woman, having sex is a decision, more mental
than physical. Husbands who remain unaware of this basic
difference in women often feel troubled when their wives
suddenly become sexually responsive to them as a result of
talking to me. They suspect that I must use some charm or
technique which they lack. They often ask me, "What did you
tell her?"
Just as women prefer that their husbands' affection be
spontaneous and not learned behavior, so men would like to
think of their wives' sexual response to them as being
spontaneous. Understand that meeting each other's needs is
seldom a spontaneous, "natural" process. You need to learn a
new behavior. I must add, however, that I find it much easier
to "talk a woman into having sex with her husband" if he at
least makes some kind of effort to be affectionate.
Women have a choice when it comes to sex, but when offered
affection they have little resistance, because it is perhaps
their deepest emotional need. In describing their need for
affection, I realize I've confronted men quite strongly about
learning to become affectionate, and that may seem rather
one8sided. But all I've said here will prove of little value
if a wife fails to understand that her husband has an equally
deep need for sex. To the typical man, sex is like air or
water. He doesn't have any "options."
If a wife fails to understand the power of the male sex
appetite, she will wind up with a husband who is tense or
frustrated at best. At worst, he may start looking for

somebody else and, tragically enough, find that someone all too
easily. All this need not occur if men learn to be more
affectionate and wives respond with more eagerness to make
love. As Harley's first law says: WHE IT COMES TO SEX AD
AFFECTIO, YOU CA'T HAVE OE WITHOUT THE OTHE R.
QUESTIOS FOR HIM:
1. On a scale of one to 10, with 10 being "very
affectionate," how affectionate am I toward my wife? How
would she rate me?
2. Is affection the environment for our entire marriage?
3. In the past, have I tended to equate affection with
getting sexually aroused? Why hasn't this worked?
4. In what specific ways do I show my wife affection?
5. Would I be willing to have her coach me in how to show her
more affection in the ways she really likes it?
QUESTIOS FOR HER:
1. Is affection as important to me as this booklet claims?
2. If I'm not getting enough affection from my husband, and I
willing to put aside my pride and patiently coach him?
3. Would I find it easier to make love if I felt he were
truly interested in me and affectionate toward me?
COSIDER TOGETHER:
1. Do we need to talk about affection? If so, what exactly
do we need to share?
2. Is there enough affection in our marriage? What examples
can we give?
3. How can we have "affection practice?" What is comfortable
for both of us?
_____________________________________________________________
Dr. Harley has over 20 years of experience as a marriage
counselor. He is a licensed clinical psychologist and director
of a network of mental health clinics and chemical dependency
programs in Minnesota.
The above material is excerpted from Dr. Harley's book HIS
EEDS, HER EEDS (c)1986 by William F. Harley Jr., and was used
with permission of Fleming H. Revell Company.
_____________________________________________________________

More Booklets from FOCUS O THE FAMILY:
The following booklets are also available from Focus on the
Family for a suggested donation of $.35 [Yes folks, a big 35
cents!] per booklet.(YOU HAD BETTER CHECK THIS OUT
FOR THIS HAS BEE AROUD AWHILE AD THE
PRICE OF EVERYTHIG HAS GOE UP.)
Write out a list of which ones you want, and enclose the list
with your return address and a check or money order in an
envelope addressed to:
Focus on the Family
Pomona, CA 91799
Booklets for which no author is indicated are by Dr. James
Dobson.
1. Prepare for adolescence
2. Fatigue and the homemaker
3. Stories for the children's hour 8Dr. Kenneth Taylor
4. Busy husbands, lonely wives
6. Self8Esteem for your child
7. Understanding your child's personality
11. Questions parents ask about discipline
13. Materialism: enemy of the family
14. Overprotection: the error of dedicated parents
16. The plan of salvation
17. The impact of TV on young lives
18. Abortion: a moral outrage
19. Overcoming the marriage blues
22. The scourge of sibling rivalry
24. A checklist for spiritual training
25. A fresh look at husbands and wives
26. Questions parents ask about self8esteem
29. Low self8esteem in adults
31. The heavens declare God's glory
34. Music in the home
35. Teaching children to be kind
36. Mother's employment: Implications for the family
37. A new look at masculinity and femininity
39. Dr. Dobson talks about families
40. Advice to pre8teenagers about self8confidence
41. Human emotions: friends or enemies
43. Setting your adolescent free
44. My father and a dog named Benji
45. The strong8willed adolescent
46. Don't nag your teenager
47. The hyperactive child
49. Surviving the crises of life 8 Virginia Watts
50. The unproclaimed priests of public education 8 Timothy
Crater
52. Values in the home
53. Hormone imbalance in mid8life
54. Discipline from 4 to 12
55. Making sense of wills, trusts, and estate planning 8 Lloyd
Copenbarger
56. Motherhood: it helps if you smile

57. Thirty ideas for husbands and fathers
58. A guide to family budgeting 8 Larry Burkett
59. Launching the young adult
60. The straight life
61. How to preserve your marriage
62. Eating disorders: an epidemic of self8induced starvation
63. Developing your child's devotional life 8 Mary White
64. Sex and communication in marriage 8 Dr. Kevin Leman
65. The miracle parenting tools
66. Treating your child's allergies 8 Doris Rapp, MD
67. A new approach to planning family vacations 8 Tim Hansel
68. A Woman of influence: How to pray for your children 8 Jean
Flemming
69. The loving leader: A man's role at home 8 Dean Merrill
70. Help for the alcoholic and his family 8 Sharon Wegscheider
71. Preparing for the arrival of a newborn 8 William Sears, MD
72. Creative ideas for grandparents 8 orman Bowman et al
73. Hope for the hurting parent 8 Margie Lewis
74. Divorce: coping with the pain 8 Andre Bustanoby
75. A christmas sampler from the Dobson's
76. The balanced life 8 Key to managing stress 8 Jan Markell
77. Working at home: ways to supplement family income 8 Jay
Levinson
78. Your child's physical fitness 8 Martin Lorin MD
79. The power of encouragement 8 Jeanne Doering
80. Pets and your family 8 Frances Chrystie
81. Restoring romance to your marriage 8 Ed Wheat, MD
82. Safety Tips for the Home 8 Bryson Kalt et al
83. The read8aloud guide 8 Jim Trelease
84. Lets make a memory 8 Gloria Gather & Shirley Dobson
85. Helping the hurried child 8 David Elkind PhD
86. Coping with frustration
88. Ministering to the aged 8 David Oliver PhD
91. A guide to creative hospitality 8 Marlene DeFever
92. Advice to parents of preschoolers 8 Dr. Paul Meier
93. Creative mothering 8 Jean Fleming
94. The approachable father 8 Gordon McDonald
95. You are great in God's eyes 8 Anthony Campolo
100. Traveling with young children 8 John Taylor
101. A family guide to outdoor safety 8 David Richey
96. A woman's guide to reaching goals 8 Mary Crowley
97. A primer on home schooling 8 Dr. Raymond & Dorothy Moore
98. Preparing your children for school 8 Dr. Cliff Schimmels
99. Widowhood: are you prepared? 8 John Watts
102. Making the most of your time 8 Edward Dayton
103. Resolving conflict 8 Josh McDowell
104. A parent's guide to storytelling 8 Ethel Barrett
105. Christmas is for kids 8 Alice Lawhead
106. You can make a difference (US) 8 Richard Cizek
121. You can make a difference (Canada) 8 Richard Cizek
107. Discover a new beginning 8 Ted Engstrom
108. Advice to newlyweds 8 H. orman Wright
109. Tough Love for singles
113. Shape up and feel great 8 Marie Chapain
114. The church and the family
115. The value of motherhood 8 Brenda Hunter
116. Making lifelong friends 8 Ted Engstrom
117. The decision of life

118. Taking time out to be dad 8 Wilson Grant MD
119. Help for the pregnant teen 8 Linda Roggow & Carolyn Owens
120. Coping with anger
122. Advice to single parents 8 Virginia Smith
123. Questions parents ask about school and education
124. What Works
125. Eating Right: a guide to family nutrition 8 Dr. C.
Kuntzleman
126. Interpreting God's will
127. Why wait for marriage? 8 Tim Stafford
128. Christmas 88 a time for family 8 Alice Lawhead
129. Coping with depression
130. Selecting a marriage partner 8 Dr. eil Warren
131. Successful stepparenting 8 Dave & Bonnie Juroe
134. Getting the Job: A guide for employment seekers 8 R.
Laughlin
135. Queen of hearts: the role of today's mom 8 Jill Briscoe
136. A guide to adoption 8 Douglas Donnely
137. Questions women ask about middle age, menopause and
maturity 8 Joe MIlhaney, MD
138. What every man should know about fatherhood 8 W. M.
Hardenbrook
140. What the bible says: Ten reasons why you should get
involved in the fight against pornography 8 Dr. Jerry Kirk
141. The power of the picture: how pornography harms 8 Dr.
Jerry Kirk
142. Hard core already illegal: the case against hard core
pornography in America 8 Dr. Jerry Kirk
143. A winnable war: How to fight pornography in your community
8 Dr. Jerry Kirk
145. Living with an unsaved spouse 8 William Deal
146. Help for the postabortal woman 8 Teri Reisser, MD
147. Responding to a woman with a crisis pregnancy 8 Teri
Reisser, MD
148. Crisis pregnancy centers: how you and your church can help
8 Pamela Pearson Wong
149. Cultivating Affection in your Marriage 8 Willard Harley
Jr., PhD.
AMBIVALECE
1. You're always sorry,
You're always grateful,
You hold her, thinking,
"I'm not alone."
You're still alone.
You don't live for her,
You do live with her,
You're scared she's starting
to drift away,
And scared she'll stay.
What Harry is really describing is marital ambilvalence. Ambivalence is a part of the human
condition we all must learn to live with. We are all born with the capacity for love and the
capacity for hostility and aggression. Both these basic drives will at times be directed toward
people with whom we are intimate. Logically enough, our loving feelings tend to predominate
when we are pleased, and our nonloving feelings tend to predominate when we are displeased.
2. The greatest paradox in human relations is the reality of ambivalence. It is defined as,
"Simultaneous attraction toward an repulsion from an object , person, or action." In other

words, its possible to love and hate at the same time. Parents feel it when they are so angry at
thier child they could strangle them, but at the same time are restrained by love. God hates
those who do inquity, yet it was while we were yet sinners that he gave his Son to die for us.
Applied to marriage it means we can be attracted to and repulsed by our mate at the same time.
Magnets both hold each other together and push each other away. This is a natural part of
reality and we need to accept it as part of relationships.
3. Ethel Person in Dreams of Love and Fateful Encounters wrote, "Of course, such ambivalence
in the valuation of love is no accident. As already suggested, its cause lies within the very nature
of love. It is precisely becasue love is so powerful, so close to our deepest longings and dreams
that it may prove glorious and even transform and enlarge the self. But for the very same
reason, the pain to which the lover is made vulnerable by love may make love a suspect, even a
dreaded experience.
AGER
1. These are steps that help to overcome anger:
1. Recognize your anger as soon as you can. As soon as possible admit it to yourself, to
God, and to another (hopefully your spouse.)
2. Seek the first opportunity to talk, write a note, or sit down with yur partner. Be sure
that you have sought to discover the hidden as well as apparent reasons for your anger:
childhood behavior patterns, the desire to have your own way, to be "top dog." For my part I
find that hidden reasons for my actions are revealing themselves after all these years! I have
often found that sitting in silence alone88or, better still, with my wife88give opportunity for God to
bring key thoughts to mind that unlock avenues to new ways of living.
3. Tell God and your mate of your share of the blame in the affair and ask their forgiveness.
If the last two steps are not sufficiently productive try detailed sharing with a trusted friend
and/or putting your feelings on paper.
4. If you share with a trusted friend, choose someone who will keep your confidence, who
is mature enough in faith and love not to be shocked or unsettled by your story, who will not
sentimentally pity ajd excuse you, but who will love you enough to challenge you to sim for
Jesus' standard of love, and who will pray with you and seal your new decision in the presence of
God.
5. If you try putting pen to paper88journaling as it is called88these steps will prove helpful:
unlock your deeper feelings and write out just what you feel. Get the negative ones out first and
then reach down for the positive ones. Recall past shared experiences. Concentrate on your
partner's needs and not the faults. Lay bare your faults rather than your wants and desires.
Read and re8read what you have written. Add to it as you feel led. You will feel a new
objectivity, a clarification of values, a desire to begin again.
One helpful method of journaling is to write a letter to God (Jesus). Write it in detail; write it
for no other eyes than yours and God's. (It is your privilege to share it later if you so wish.)
After re8reading it several times write a reply from God to you. Write down what you believe this
all8knowing God of love wants to say to you. Finally888
6. Resolve not only to forgive, but to let bygones be bygones. ever drag up the past.
2. These are steps that help to overcome anger;
1. Recognize your anger as soon as you can. As soon as possible admit it to yourself, to
God, and to another (hopefully your spouse.)
2. Seek the first opportunity to talk, write a note, or sit down with your partner. Be sure
that you have sought to discover the hidden as well as apparent reasons for your anger:
childhood behavior patterns, the desire to have your own way, to be "top dog." For my part I
find that hidden reasons for my actions are still revealing themselves after all these years! I have
often found tht sitting in silence alone88or, better still, with my wife88gives opportunity for God to
bring key thoughts to mind that unlock avenues to new ways of living.
3. Tell God and your mate o fyour share of the blame in the affair and aske for
forgiveness.
If the last two steps are not sufficiently productive try detailed sharing witha trusted friend
and/or putting your feelings on paper.
4. If you share with a trusted friend, choose someone who will keep your confidence, who
is mature enough in faith an dlove not be shocked or unsettled by your story, who will not
sentimentally pity an excuse you, but who will love you enough to challenge you to aim for Jesus'

standard of love, and who will pray with you and seal your new decision in the presence of God.
5. If you try puttin gpen to paper88journaling as it is called888these steps will prove
helpful: unlock your deeper feelings and write out just what you feel. Get the negative ones out
first and then reach down for the positive ones. Recall past hsared experiences. concentrate on
your partner's needs and not the faults. Lay bare your faults rather than your wants and desires.
Read and re8read what you have written. Add to it as you feel led. You will feel new objectivity,
a clarification of values, a desire to begin again.
One helpful method of journaling is to write a letter to God (Jesus). Write it in detail, write it
for no other eyes than your and God's. (It is your privilege to share it later if you so wish.) After
re8reading it several times write a reply from God to you. Write down what you believe this all8
knowing God of love wants to say to you. Finally88888
6. Resolve not only to forgive, but to let bygones be bygones. ever drag up the past.
AALYSIS
It is possible to develop the paralysis of analysis, and study problems until you are sick of the
whole thing and give up in total frustration. You might love the game of ping pong, but be driven
batty by a lecture on the areodynamics of the balls and the components that go into making the
table. You may love watching television, but be bored out of your mind by a technical study of
how it works. The point is, you can get sick and tired of studying all the authorities telling you
how to make your marriage better.
Their lists of things to do for this problem and that one can get to be overwhelming, and you
get frustrated and give up, for it seems so hopeless. The poem of Walt Whitman about listening
to the astronomers is appropriate here. He says he listened to all their proofs and figures, and
looked at all their charts and diagrams until he became sick and tired of them. He got up and
wandered out into the night8air and looked up in silence at the stars. The bottom line is, there
are positive and beautiful experiences in life that we need to just go to directly and enjoy. We do
not need to understand all the technical facts about the experience or why, when, where, or
how. We just need the experience. So in marriage, you do not need to know everything about
love to experience it. Sometimes you just need to go ahead and enjoy the experience of love
with each other and not try to figure out how to capture it in an intellectual formula.
Studies show that being at ease and not up tight is the key to romance. When people are
filled with anxiety it kills the spirit of love. The experts say relax and enjoy, for if you don't relax,
and instead are full of doubts and fears, you will guarantee yourself a negative experience. We
are not just talking about sex here, but about a total relationship. The mate that feels confident
and good about themselves will make their partner feel the same, and this is romantic.
AGER
ot dealing with anger is dealing with anger in a way that will harm your marriage. Mary
Ellen Donovan and William Ryan in LOVE BLOCKS, write, "Everyone has either had or witnessed
the experience of flying off the handle and exploding in rage over something relatively trivial8an
offhand remark a friend has made, a minor traffic tie8up, a child's crying, a foul8up at the bank, a
spouse's forgetting to pick up the laundry at the dry cleaner as promised...In these situations,
the relatively trivial incident is not the real cause of the anger. The anger is old, pent88up anger
about something else that occurred in the past, and the relatively trivial incident has only
triggered its release8a release the anger has been seeking since the moment it was first felt and
suppressed."
When anger is bottled up and not expressed when it is felt, it will come out in ways that are
so subtle even the person with the anger will not recognize they are doing what they are doing
because of anger. They will miss appointments, buy things they shouldn't, forget important
things that leads to conflicts, and a host of other destructive behaviours. One of the most
common being the silent treatment. This is a form of anger and it hurts a relationship. Sharing
your anger by telling your mate exactly how you feel is far more productive than being silent.
You may have to share it dozens of times to get through, but silence does not get through at all.
An unknown author wrote these wise words, "Being with another person without being able to
communicate feels more lonely than being by yourself. There is nothing worse than being unable
to speak the painful feeling brimming within you. You want to be heard and you want the other

person to know what you feel. You don't want to be alone in your pain." They recommend you
avoid this by honest speaking of just how you feel. Then listen for a response. The goal is to get
feeling expressed while they are under control.
ATI8MARRIAGE SETIMETS
Saint/St. Jerome on marriage and virginity (p1 of 5
Subject: Selections from Jerome, Against Jovinian
But you will say: "If everybody were a virgin, what would become
of the human race?" Like shall here beget like. If everyone
were a widow, or continent in marriage, how will mortal men be
propagated? ... You are afraid that if the desire for virginity were general there would be no
prostitutes, no adulteresses, no
wailing infants in town or country. Every day the blood of
adulterers is shed, adulterers are condemned, and lust is raging
and rampant in the very presence of the laws and the symbols of
authority and the courts of justice. Be not afraid that all will
become virgins: virginity is a hard matter, and therefore rare,
because it is hard. "Many are called, few chosen." Many begin,
few persevere. And so the reward is great for those who have
persevered. If all were able to be virgins, our Lord would never
have said: "He that is able to receive it, let him receive it":
and the Apostle would not have hesitated to give him advice, "ow
concerning virgins I have no commandment of the Lord."
... A book _On Marriage_, worth its weight in gold, passes under
the name of Theophrastus. In it the author asks whether a wise
man marries. And after laying down the conditions 88 that the
wife must be fair, of good character, and honest parentage, the
husband in good health and of ample means, and after saying that
under these circumstances, a wise man sometimes enters into a
state of matrimony, he immediately proceeds thus: "But all these
conditions are seldom satisfied in marriage. A wise man
therefore must not take a wife. For in the first place his study
of philosophy will be hindered, and it is impossible for anyone
to attend to his books and his wife. Matrons want many things,
costly dresses, gold jewels, great outlay, maidservants, all
kinds of furniture, litters and gilded coaches. Then come
curtain8lectures the live8long night: she complains that one
lady goes out better dressed than she: that another is looked up
to by all: 'I am a poor despised nobody at the ladies'
assemblies.' 'Why did you ogle that creature next door?' 'Why
are you talking to the maid?' 'What did you bring from the
market?' 'I am not allowed to have a single friend, or
companion.' She suspects that her husband's love goes the same
way as her hate. There may be in some neighbouring city the
wisest of teachers; but if we have a wife we can neither leave
her behind, nor take the burden with us. To support a poor wife,
is hard: to put up with a rich one, is torture.
3
"otice, too, that in the case of a wife you cannot pick and
choose: you must take her as you find her. If she has a bad
temper, or is a fool, if she has a blemish, or is proud, or has
bad breath, whatever her fault may be 88 all this we learn after
marriage. Horses, asses, cattle, even slaves of the smallest
worth, clothes, kettles, wooden seats, cups, and earthenware
pitchers, are first tried and then bought: a wife is the only
thing that cannot be shown before she is married, for fear she
may not give satisfaction. Our gaze must always be directed to

her face, and we must always praise her beauty: if you look at
another woman, she thinks that she is out of favour. ... If a
woman be fair, she soon finds lovers; if she be ugly, it is easye wanton. It is difficult to guard
what many long for. It
is annoying to have what no one thinks worth possessing. But the
misery of having an ugly wife is less than that of watching a
comely one. othing is safe, for which a whole people sighs and
longs. One man entices with his figure, another with his brains,
another with his wit, another with his open hand. Somehow, or
sometime, the fortress is captured which is attacked on all
sides.
4
"Men marry, indeed, so as to get a manager for the house, to
solace weariness, to banish solitude; but a faithful slave is a
far better manager, more submissive to the master, more observant
of his ways, than a wife who thinks she proves herself mistres
if she acts in opposition to her husband, that is, if she does
what pleases her, not what she is commanded. But friends, and
servants who are under the obligation of benefits received, are
better able to wait upon us in sickness than a wife who makes us
responsible for her tears (she will sell you enough to make a
deluge for the hope of a legacy); who boasts of her anxiety, yet
drives her sick husband to the distraction of despair. But if
she herself is poorly, we must fall sick with her and never leave
her bedside. Or if she be a good and agreeable wife (how rare a
bird she is!), we have to share her groans in childbirth, and
suffer torture when she is in danger. ...
"Then again, to marry for the sake of children, so that our name
may not perish, or that we may have support in old age, and leave
our property without dispute, is the height of stupidity. F
what is it to us when we are leaving the world if another bears
our name, when even a son does not all at once take his father's
title, and there are countless others who are called by the same
5
name. Or what support in old age is he whom you bring up, and
who may die before you, or turn out a reprobate? Or at all
events when he reaches mature age, you may seem to him long in
dying. Friends and relatives whom you can judiciously love are
better and safer heirs than those whom you must make your heirs
whether you like it or not. Indeed, the surest way of having a
good heir is to ruin your fortune in a good cause while you live,
not to leave the fruit of your labour to be used you know not
how."
APPEARACE
There is no doubt that appearance plays a major role in attracting people to each other, and
in keeping their interest. But the fact is, there needs to be a whole lot more developed in a
relationship than enjoyment of appearance. Many a beautiful woman and handsome man have
have lost their mates. On the other hand, many a ordinary woman and plain man have won a
life8time of devotion from their mates. The saying, "Beauty is only skin deep" is true in its
meaning that it does not make up the whole person, and there has to be more underneath to
love, or it is inadequate in itself.
There is no escape from the fact, however, that some form of beauty is the key to love and
romance. Homer's Illiad, the great epic, was inspired by the passion for the beautiful Helen of
Troy, whose face launched a thousand ships, and caused the Trojan War. The second epic of
Homer, The Odyssey, celebrates the love of Odysseus and Penelope, where, again, there is a
strong attraction due to beauty. All beauty is not in appearance alone, but this is usually the
beauty that starts a relationship. It just cannot stop there, or it is superficial.
Socrates in the Symposium of Plato says that love begins with a desire for beauty. One sees

first the beauty of bodies, but then one sees the beauty in laws and institutions, then the beauty
in sciences, until one comes to love beauty as an idea in itself. His point is, love goes deeper and
deeper and needs to see beauty on a deeper lever than mere appearance.
APPRECIATIO
1. There are several common barrers to expressing appreciation.
1. The attitude that "that's just their job or role in life." A husband, for example, may not
express appreciation for a wonderful meal simply becasue he thinks it's his wife's duty to prepare
it.
2. Discomfort with receiving appreciation. Some people down8play the importance of
expressing appreciation because they think humility demands that they not accept it in return.
3. Our culture's admiration of rugged independence, of self8sufficiency. Some people think
that if they express appreciation, they will look weak or dependent.
4. A lack of role models. Perhaps a person grew up in a family where it was not part of the
communication system to express appreciation, so this person simply does not do it.
5. Fear of the emotional effects. For some people, the closeness that comes from expressing
appreciation is threatening. Such intimacy makes them feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, or
anxious. 888Judson Swihart.
ARGUMETS
1. Women look for Mr. right and often find they are married to Mr. always right.
ASSUMPTIOS
1. Dwight Harvey Small writes, "Because someone behaves a certain way, we assume that
certain other actions will logically and consistently follow. Frequently this is not the case. For
instand, if a woman dresses timpeccably, won't she keep house the same way? A young
husband draws this logical conclusion, only to be distressed upon discovering A doesn't follow B.
Or a husband is know as quite a conversationlist in social circles. Won't it logically follow that he
will be communicative at home? How often wives complain that this is not the case; the
communicative male who enlivens the social circuit is often morose and noncommunicative at
home.
The semeanticist's rule here is that always and never are two words we must always
remember never to use; always avoid always, and never use never.
ATTITUDES
1. William James, noted Harvard psychologist said, "The greatest discovery in our generation is
that human beings by changing the enter attitudes of their minds can change all the outer
aspects of their lives."
2. Vikor Frankl, Jewish psychiatrist in Auschwitze, said, "The last great human freedom is the
ability to choose one's attitude in any given circumstance."
B
BABY
1. eighbor: Doesn't your new baby brighten up your home?
Father: I should say so. The light is on all night now.
BALACE
1. Robert Johnson wrote, "Jung found that the psyche is androgynour: It is made up of both
masculine and feminine components. Thus, evey man and every woman come equipped with a
psychological structure that in its wholeness includes the richness of both sides, both natures,
both sets of capacities and strengths. The psyche spontaneously divides itself into
complementary opposites and represents them as a masculine8feminine constellation. It
characterizes some qualities as being "masculine" and certain others as being "feminine." Like

yin and yang in ancient Chinese psychology, these complementary opposites balance and
complete each other. o human value or trait is complete in itself: It must be joined withits
masculine or feminine "mate" ina conscious synthesis if we are to have balance and wholeness.
The psyche sees our capacity for relatedness and love as a "feminine" quality, emanating
from the feminine side of the psyche. By contrast it views the ability to wield power, control
situations, and defend territory as stengths that we find in the "masculine" department of the
psyche. To become a complete man or woman, each of us must develop both sides of the
psyche. We must be able both to handle power and to love, both to exert control and to flow
spontaneously with fate888each other in its season.
When we speak of "feminine" in this sense, we obviously do not mean "pertaining to women."
We are speaking of inner, psychological qualities that are common to both menand women. Whe
a man develops the strengths of his inner feminine, it actually complete his maleness. He
becomes more fully male as he becomes more fully human. The strongest man is the one who
can genuinely show love to his children, as well as fight his battles in the business world during
the work day. His maculine strength is augmented and balanced by his feminine capacity to be
related, to express his affection and his feelings.
In each of us there is a potential for wholeness, for bringing the conflicting parts of ourselves
together in a synthesis. We have a simple name for this totality of the individual: Jung called it
the "self."
BEAUTY
1. In the movie The Enchanted Cottage, a homely couple fall in love and come to see each other
as beautiful, despite the fact that they are objectivly unchanged. Similarly, in the movie Mr.
Skeffington, the heroine Mrs. Skeffington is a ruined beauty whohas lost hre hair and reconciles
herself to her altered state only when she is reconciled with Mr. Skeffington, who still perceives
her as beautiful (enables to do so not only because, like love, he is blind, but because he has
never stopped loving her). Lovers confer beauty where it does not, objectively, exist, because
both lover and beloved are enabled, through the power of lofe, to believe in that beauty.
BEEDICTIO
1. And, now, may the courage
of the early morning's dawning,
The strength of eternal hills
and wide open fields,
The joy of silent streams
and of the gentle wind,
The beauty of flowered gardens
and the song of birds,
And the faith of youth
Be in your hearts;
And the love of God,
That alone can build happiness,
That makes family love flourish
with the radiance of great joy,
Be with you always;
And the peace of a quiet evening's ending
And of the midnight,
Be your now and forever.
Amen.
Written by Dr. Jack R. Irwin
Community Church
Park Ridge, Illinois

BOREDOM
How To Keep Your Marriage Alive, Well
by Catherine Surra, Ph.DDepartment of Family and Human DevelopmentUtah State
University_________________________________________________________________
One of the fears that some single persons express about gettingmarried is that they don't want
to become "trapped" in a dullmarriage. In fact, some persons believe that boredom is an
inevitableby8product of marriage, which results when romance dies and the bells
stop ringing. While others may not be quite so pessimistic about thefate of marital
relationships, most persons would agree that earlymarriage is somewhat like a honeymoon period
and that some of theexcitement is bound to wear off.
In fact, research by several social scientists supports the commonbelief that marital satisfaction
declines after the first few years ofmarriage, especially after the birth of the first child. Studies
byther researchers, however, indicate that not all marriages becomedevitalized over time. Cuber
and Harroff's study of marital relationships among theupper8middle8class, for example, revealed
that some marriages remainedvital, intimate and exciting for 20 or more years after the
weddingday.
Other marriages, however, become devitalized through the years.Couples in devitalized
relationships entered marriage with warm, aliverelationships and expected their future
relationship to be just asfulfilling. Over time, though, these same couples drifted apart andbegan
looking elsewhere 88 to jobs, children or hobbies 88 forself8satisfaction.
Cuber and Harroff also found that devitalized marriages were quitecommon among the couples
they interviewed, which led many of thesespouses to rationalize that the spark dies out in most
marriages.There are several reasons why a marriage might become devitalized.First, partners
with few interests and goals in common may have beenismatched from the beginning. The glow
and excitement of courting mayhave made the partners unwilling or unable to detect their
subtleifferences.
3Second, spouses may not recognize or adjust to changes in one anotherafter marriage.
Husbands and wives may build images of one anotherthat become routinized. Or spouses may
evolve regularized patterns ofinteraction which do not acknowledge change. A husband, for
example,may not try anything new sexually because he knows his wife doesn'tenjoy
experimenting with sex. Similarly, a wife may not bother to evenask her husband about going out
to dinner on Saturday night becauseshe is sure how he would respond. By mutually reinforcing
routine waysof interacting, spouses can add to the deadening quality of theirrelationship and
short8circuit changes in one other.
Finally, marriage may become devitalized because mates hold88ordevelop88different
expectations for marriage. A husband, for instance,who began marriage with wife and children as
his priorities may findthat career opportunities become more enticing and demanding over
theyears. The wife comes to desire more time and attention, which herhusband can't or won't
deliver. Unless they are incorporated into therelationship, such shifts in partners' expectations for
how the othershould behave can result in serious conflict and separateness betweenpartners.
By focusing on the factors which contribute to devitalization in
4marriage, partners can work toward counteracting it. In the firstplace, spouses can do things to
break marital routines in a positiveway that do not require a large investment of time or money.
Instead of watching television every night after the children are inbed, a husband could
suggest a night of talking or inviting friendsover.
Wives might try participating in some out8door or sports activity thatthe husband usually
enjoys alone or with his friends.Most important, it is critical for partners to be verbally assertivein
conveying their opinions. We cannot expect our mates to read ourminds about what is
dissatisfying to us. In order for opinions to beheard and accepted, however, it is critical to
present them in a warm,supportive way, one that does not alienate or attack the other.
Other research suggests that successfully assertive persons arepersistent. They don't withdraw,
give up or pout after their first andsecond attempts at change are unsuccessful.Keeping marriage
alive is not an easy task or one that comes
5naturally. It requires that spouses first take a look at theirinteraction, as an outsider could, to
identify those areas which arespecially dull or unsatisfying. Then, partners can take
positiveactions toward modifying these less8than8perfect areas of theirrelationships. _
BOREDOM

1. Judge John A. Sbarbaro says that in his opinion boredom is one of the commonest of all
causes for broken homes.
2. You can only do anything you do for the first time once. This means the thrill and romance of
first time experiences begin to fade rapidly and soon you are faced with the issue of monotony.
ovelty and originality go fast. This is the obstacle that love between the sexes needs to
overcome to have a long lasting relationship. The monotony of monogamy is overcome by trying
new things to keep romance alive. Variety is the spice of life.
3. "The sea of matrimony is filled with people over bored."
4. One of the earliest sensory8deprivation experiments was conducted by Drs. Bexton, Heron
and Scott at MeGill University in Montreal. They paid students twenty dollars a day (a decent
wage back in the 1950s) simply to lie on a comfortable bed and do nothing. That's right88
nothing. They were asked to wear translucent goggles which allowed them to perceive light but
not patterns. They were also given cotton gloves and cardboard cuffs to reduce any touch
sensatins. The testing room was relatively soundproof and there were short periods throughout
the day when they could eat and go to the toilet.
The results of this experiment were astonishing. After just a few hours of isolation, and
sometimes in as little as twenty minutes, the studens began to go to pieces. They became
irritable, confused, frightened; their thoughts were jumbled and incoherent. As time went on
many started to hallucinate: the testing room was filled with light, they said; there were dots,
they said, and lines and geometiric shpaes and ultimately full8grown landscapes such as they had
never seen before. ot one would endure more than a few days of this sort of agony88at any
price.
What, exactly, were the students being deprived of? What could possibly create such
discomfort when all their physcial needs had supposedly been met? The answer is that we all
require stimulus change. Without it we go mad88and quite quickly too.
5. Erich Fromm suggests that "perhaps the most important source of aggression and
destructiveness today is to be found in the "bored" character." And consider this quote from the
Los Angeles Times reporting on a gun bttle between two youthful gangs. A young man from a
ghetto community stops to talk about why it happneded: "This happens once a year.....You
don't have anything. You go to jail,have free grub, eat, get to be with your buddies. You
girlfriend comes to see you. It breaks the monotony."
Then there's one of my patients, Jimmy. At twenty8three he was bright, fresh out of college,
and unemployed. There was a smelting plant in his hometown; he'd worked there summers
while he was in school. So when they offered him a permanent position he took it. Better than
sponging off his parents, he reasoned. He was expected to watch a control panel that monitored
the temperture and consistency of the cauldrons of boiling metal down below. But nothing ever
went wrong. The plant was so well automated that Jimmy had virtually nothing to do. Eighteen
months passed. The one night after draining a Coke bottle, Jimmy calmly and deliberately sailed
it over the edge into one of the bubbling cauldrons. The "entertaining" explosion that followed
cost the plant several million dollars.
BUROUT
1. Dr. Ayola wrote, "Burnout, as we have seen, is a painful state that afflicts people who expect
romantic love to give meaning to their lives. It occurs when they finally realize that, in spite of all
their efforts, their relationship does not and will not do that. Marriages can be disappointing and
unhappy withou being burned out. When a mate is sloppy or inconsiderate, one can decide to
live and let live, but when one
looks for marriage to give meaning to one's life, these annoyances can be unbearable. Burnout
is caused by a combination of unrealistic expectations and the vicissitudes of life.
2. Dr. Ayola wrote, "Burnout is formally defined (and subjectively experienced( as a state of
physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion. It is caused by long8term involvement in situations
that are emotionally demanding88situations in which there is a discrepancy between expectations
and reality.
3. Dr. Ayola wrote, "Results show that the higher the frequency of overload, the higher the level
of burnout. This was true with regard to the two kinds of overload addressed in the question88
quantitative and qualitative. Quantitative overload happens when you feel that you have more
tasks than you can perform we,, or too many tasks to perform in the time alloted. It can happen
when a devoted mother, who also works, doesn't have enough time to bake a cake for her child's

birthday. It can happen when a husband feels torn between his job obligations and his
obligations to his family. It can happen wen a couple decided to fix up an old house and
thenspends every minute plastering, wiring, plumbing, and painting. Qualitative overload88 a
feeling that the required jobs are simply beyond your capabilities88can happen when a wife who
never learnedhow to cook is expected to fix fancy meals for her husband's distinguished
colleagues. A husband can feel the job is simply beyond him when he has to singlehandedly
discipline unruly teenagers or keep the entire family afloat financially.
4. Dr. Ayola wrote, "Susan says:
I feel torn between all the people in my life who, as dear to
me as they are, seem to just want, want, and want. If I respond to all those
demands they could fill my days completely leaving no time for my
work or anything else. And it's not the preparing mels or driving
the children around that wears me down, but all those "little" er8
rands. So little that I feel embarrassed to object or refuse, but so
many that they drown me. They all feel they have the right to ask
me for those "little' favors, because they love me, or because they
are family, or because they are friends. The worst part is, I agree with
them. I feel they do have a right to ask me. So I do it. But at the end
of a day during which, in addition to my work, I had to run around
doing favors fro everyone, I am not only exhausted, I am also
furious. I am especially furious at Steve, who is never home to help
out but is always the first to ask me to run this or that errand for him.
I can feel it is slowly but surely eroding my love for him.
C
CHAGE
1. Tal D. Bonham writes about things essential to a happy marriage, and one of the things is a
paradox. He writes that couples need an ability to change, and also the ability to live with the
unchangeable. Couples need to choose to change when change is inevitable to keep their
marriage alive and vital. But they also need to recognize that there are aspects of their
personality and behavior that will never change.
Deep Commitment ecessary for a Successful Marriage
!. Why do some marriages work and other fail. Many factors areinvolved, but a major element
is commitment on the part of bothhusband and wife.
2. What is commitment? I means to pledge or promise one's self to acertain line of conduct to
each other.
3. Love is the basis of this commitmentTo Vow is to promise.Typical wedding vow:
"Do you take this man/woman to be your lawfully wedded husband/wife, and do you vow
before God and these present, that you will love him/her in sickness and health, in joy and
sorrow, in prosperity and adversity, and do you take him/her only as long as you both shall live?"
88 You keep these "vows" till death.To be faithful to each other.To love each other under all
circumstancesVow are made not only to your mate but also to yourself
4. The Greek word for deep, loyal love is Agape.This love is a decision to love regardless of the
circumstances or thebehavior of one's partner. It does not have to be earned. This is thelove that
is necessary for a lasting marriage.
5. Successful marriages do not just happen. They are built a piece ata time by both partners
taking their marriage vows seriously andworking diligently ever day to honor their commitment to
each other.
CHAGE
1. A man driving down the road late at night decided to take a short cut down a dirt road and he
had a flat. He discovered he had no jack and it was one in the morning. He saw a farm house
down the road and all the lights were off, but he was desperate and so he started toward the
house. He began to imagine what would happen when he knocked on the door. The man would
be very unhappy to be awakened in the night. Then he would have to come out and get his jack

for him to use. He would probably be furious for having to do this for a stranger. He will probably
tell me to get off his property and get lost. By the time he was knocking at the door he was full
of fear and trembling at the farmers anger at him. When the farmer did come to the door he
backed away and said to him, "Keep your old jack."
One of life's greatest aggrevations is when others and especially your mate decides for you
what your response is going to be in a given situation. They have already made up their minds
how you are going to respond and this robs you of the choice. Often it is because of your history
and how you have responded in the past, but to assume you will always act the same assumes
you will never change. If you are in the mood for change and want to respond different and in a
way that is better you are robbed of the chance because they have already assumed you will
never change. We need to give our mates the chance to choose change.
2. Mates marry because they fall in love with each others differences. The man who struggles
with depression falls for the light hearted woman for she keeps him uplifted. The poorly
organized woman is drawn to the highly organized man who brings discipline to her chaotic life.
After they marry the light hearted wife gets tired of pulling her husband out of the pits and the
poorly organized wife wishes her husband can be more spontaneous. The very thing that
attracted now repels for it is to much of a good thing.
3. Here is advice that is both superfical and profound. It is nonsense to think change in itself is
of any value, for what you do do may be just great. Yet it is profound for the fact is change by
itself can be benefical just because God built us to respond to variety. Stickland W. Gillilan wrote
this back in 190888
I went to a modern doctor to learn what it was was wrong.
I'd lately been off my fodder, and life was no more a song.
He felt of my pulse as they all do, he gazed at my outstretched tongue;
He took off my coat and weskit and harked at each wheezing lung.
He fed me a small glass penstalk with figures upon the side,
And this was his final verdict when all of my marks he'd spied;
"Do you eat fried eggs? Then quit it.
You don't? Then hurry and eat 'em,
Along with some hay that was cut in May88
There are no other foods to beat 'em.
Do you walk? Then stop instanter888
For exercise will not do
For people with whom it doesn't agree88
And this is the rule for you:
Just quit whatever you do do
And begin whatever you do do
For what you don't do may agree with you
As whatever you do do don't."
Yea, thus saith the modern doctor, "Tradition be double durned!
What the oldsters knew was nothing compared to the things we've learned.
There's nothing in this or that thing that's certain in every case,
Any more than a single bonnet's becoming to every face.
It's all in the diagnosis that tells us the patient's fix88
The modern who knows his business is up to a host of tricks.
"Do you eat roast pork? Then stop it.
You don't? Then get after it quickly.
For the long8eared ass gives the laugh to grass
And delights in the weed that's prickly.
Do you sleep with the windows open?
Then batten them good and tight
And swallow the same old fetid air
Throught all of the snoozesome night.
Just quit whatever you do do
And do whatever you don't;
For what you don't do may agree with you

As whatever you do do don't."
4. The institution of marriage has frequently been compared to a living organism: It too must
be capable of constant change or it will die. Sitting pat on a good thing simply won't work. If
your marriage is completely unaltered ten years from today, it will probably be in big trouble.
You may think that you be the same, but you can be sure that everything else will have
changed: your spouse, your children, your parents, your relatives and friends, your work88in a
word, the rest of your world.
5. We need to expect change in marriage in new terms, as a continually growing, continually
changing, interaction between a man and woman who are seeking the warmth and richness of
the shared life. Marriage has too often been protrayed as two people frozen together side by
side, as immobile as marble statues. More accurately, it is the intricate and graceful cooperation
of two dancers who through long practice have learned t match each other's movements and
moods in response to the music of the spheres."
Three factors that will bring about change are comittment, communication, and strength. If
change is going to occur, both partners need to be committed to this goal. Their mutual
commitment allows them to invest their energy in changing the marriage. Change can occur if a
couple is willing to talk over every concern. Care and love are reflected through this willingness.
6. Dr. Issac Rubin points out you cannot take a drop of water out of a river and analyze it and
thereby understand the river. The prime characteristic of a river is that it flows. If it didn't it
would be a pond or lake or something else. Relationships are like a river88they flow. It takes two
people to make a relationship and these two people are not static like a stump. They are alive
and growing and constantly changing and so the dynamics of the relationship is constantly
changing.
The things that made your relationship good and positive at one time may be obsolete now.
Lavonne and I use to love to roller skate and it was a key factor in our relationship but our river
has flowed and has left that far upstream and we never again put forth the effort to get back to
it. ow, this could be a problem if one of us still dreamed of the good old days and longed to
roller skate and the other did not. There would be a tension that caused this one time unifying
factor to become a devisive factor.
* Look at things that were once important to you that are not now.
* Look at past things that are still important to you and you miss them.
7. Arlene Matthews in Why Did I Marry You, Anyway 1988 wrote, "In the musical Guys and
Dolls, a nightbclub performer named Adelaide hopes that marriage will cause her fiance of
fourteen years, notorious gangster and gambler athan Detroit, to trade in his floating crap
game for an honest job and a baby buggy. To underscore her point she sings;
Marry the man today,
Trouble tho'he may be,
Much as he likes to play,
Crazy and wild and free.
Marry the man today,
Rather than sigh and sorrow,
Marry the man today
And change his ways tomorrow.
8. Joan Ormont, a psychoanalyst and couples therapist, says, "People start behaving like their
parents after marriage because they realize they're not children anymore, and because their
existence seems more like that of their paretns. They think, 'Here I am, a wife, and the first wife
I ever knew was my mother. 'Bing! Or, 'Here I am, a husband, and the first husband I ever knew
was my Dad, 'Bing!" When those little unconscious bells start to chime, many newlyweds may
start re8creating the roles their mothers and fathers played in their own marriages."
Many newlyweds I spoke with told me of times, early in their marraige, when they behaved
exactly like their parents or wen tehy eard their parents' words coming out of their mouths.
Robin Turner said, "I had never been particularly compulsive about cleaning or dusting until I got
married. Then I started cleaning with a vengeance, even when the house was perfectly clean
already888just like my mother. And I'd get furious if charlies dirted anything I'd just cleaned,
which is just what my mother does to my father."
9. Steve, twenty8five when he married for the first time, picked up one of his father's all8too8
familiar habits. "My dad is a worrier, always anticipating worst8case scenarios. I remember that

whenever my family went anywhere together he'd build in all this extra travel time because he
was afraid we might get stuck in traffic or have a flat. We'd arrive everywhere much too early,
which would leave lots of time for him and my mother to have an argument. I told myself I'd
never be like that, and mostly I wasn't, until I got married. Then my wife and I would get into
fights because I'd do things like insist we leave for ome early Sunday afternoon after spending a
weekend out of town because I didn't want to get caught in some mythical traffic jam."
10. For most of us change does not come early, and flexing our muscles leaves us stiff and
pained for a while. People spoke to me about the difficultly of accepting changes in their
partners even when the change was desired. In one marriage, for examples, the wife's perpetual
complaint about her husband was his inability to express emotions, his tight, close8mouthed
appoach to anything smacking of feelings. After a series of traumas in his life88a business failure,
the death of his best friend, an infauation with another woman888the husband went into a sever
depression for which he received psychiatric care. When he came out of the depressiona and
away from teh psychiatrist, he had changed into a far more open and emotionally expressive
person than he had ever been before. ow the wife seemed to pull away, uncomfortable with
the questions he asked and the turths he revealed about himself. Although he had turned into
the kind of person she always said she wanted him to be, she had felt safer, it seemed, with her
anger and her demands for change than with the actual change itself.
Therapist Carl Whitaker says that couples unconsciously set their own "emotional
thermostat"88that is, they know how cold or hot they want their relationship to be, how close or
distant. If one turns the thermostat up, the other somehow manages to pull it down, to keep a
homeostatic balance. Using that image, we can say that if one partner changes88even with the
consent of encouragement of the other888the balance is broken and both need to adjust.
Either they reverse roles and the one who was hotter becomes cooler (or vice versa) or they
reset their thermostat to a different level of emotionally. In any case, every change within one
partner brings about some disruption in a relationship, and with it, often, a clash of
temperatments, a conflict of interests. And every change from the outside, every passage or
period of transition, leads to its own kind of struggle or confrontation.
11, Steve and Annie Chapman in Married Lovers Married Friends wrote, "I discovered also, that
just because Annie's furniture arrangements looked great, that didn't mean she intened them to
stay that way. Like the true artist she is, Annie always insists that perfect can be made more
perfect, which, of course, necessitates constant change.
Today, the teacups may be in the dinning room hutch. Tomorrow, they may have been
moved to the kitchen. I can never expect to walk into a darkened room in our house and plunk
into my recliner, because in the time it took me to go out for a newspaper, Annie may have
decided the living room grouping needed the relciner more than the family room did. Heaven
help me if I ever go blind and have to find my way around the house! A trip across the living
room would leave me with sever shin factures! You wonder where the expression "Here today,
gone tomorrow" came from? I'm sure the writer came up with it while watching Annie in her
decorating mode.
12. ot long ago I was having luch with some friends in a coffee shop. One of the women
brought her four8year8old daughter with her. The table was crowded with hamburgers, fries,
Cokes, coffee, milk and other amenities. o one was feeling particularly imaginative that day
except for the four8year8old. About halfway through the meal she turned to her mother and
asked, "Mommy, can I put some milk in my Coke?" Milk and coke, I thought. Together? What
a horrible idea! Luckily, her mother was more open to the possibility. "Well, maybe," she said.
"Let's try a little bit and see how you like it." She asked the waitress for an extra glass. One part
Coke, one part milk. Stir gently with a spoon and serve. The little girl took a sip of her
concoction and beamed. "Good!" she said, pushing the glass in my direction. "Taste it!" Rather
than go into a dipolmatic song8and8dance ("o thanks, Ilike my milk neat" or words to that
efffect) I took a cautious sip. She was right. It was light. Bubbly. Different. I found myself
suddenly coming out the other side of the argument, insisting that everyone else at the table try
it and see.
This experience was a useful reminder to me of how easy it is to fall into closed8minded
boredom. one of us are sufficiently flexible to consider ourselves immune to the dangers of
rigid thinking.
12. Don Jackson, a brillant psychiatrist after much study said, "Relationship is a process involving
constant change, and constant change requires the spouses to keep working on their relationship

until the day they die.
13. There is power in negative thinking and discontent. Only when you are honest with yourself
and can admit you do not like all you are or what you are becoming, can you change the vicious
circle and rut you are in. It is good to feel bad at times. This becomes the basis for motivating
change. Change does not take place when all is accepted. Change can be bad too because of
poor choices, but discontent is a blessing when it leads to: 1. Comunication to the point of
understanding, and 2. Common agreement on achieveable goals.
14.
CHERISH
1. Cherish means to take care of tenderly; to keep warm as birds cover their young with
feathers; to protect as a hen shields her chicks from harm. Do you shelter your wife with tender
care, warming her with your love? One bride described the way her husband cherishes her.
"The most wonderful part of being married," she said, "is going to sleep on my husband's
shoulder every night with his arm around me. I feel safe....so loved."
Cherish also means to hold dear, t treat with affection. It comes from the same root word as
caress. Your wife needs nonsexual caresses, cuddling, kisses, and hugs. she needs to hold
hands with you. Concentrate with sensitivity on the wonderful experience of holding her hand.
Tuck a kiss into the palm of her hand when you're leaving for the day. Cuddle her on your lap at
the end of the day888not as a signal for sex, but just for cherishing.
Finally, cherish means to encourage or support.
2. Husband, how do you treat your wife publicly? Do you
opem doors for her....seat her at the table.....hold her
coat for her? These small courtesies give honor to the wife
as the more delicate vessel. After all, your wife cannot see
your mental attitude toward her. You must show it by
simple actions that display your love and your care and
protective concern for her well8being. Is your love a banner
over her when other people are present? Do you often look
at her? Respond to her glances? Listen to her? Make her
feel she is the most important person in your kingdom?"
The word respect in I Peter 3:7 can also be translated honor. The Expository
Dictionary of ew Testament Words explains that this is "primarily a valuing." In this case it
becomes a recognition of a wife's value and preciousness. Do you regard your wife as your
treasure?
The third knowledge you must have is an understanding of God's spiritual assessment of your
wife: She is a join8heir with you of the free gift of eternal life.
Although you have been given the privilege and responsibility of acting as God's representative in
your home, never forget that your wife has an equal status before God and an equal award to
anticipate. Your roles are different, but you are spiritual equals. And if you forget this and
dishonor your wife. Peter warns, you cannot expect God to honor your requests in prayer!
3. Cherish is the word I use to describe
All the feeling that I have hiding here for you inside.
You don't know how many times I've wished that I
had told you,
You don't know how many times I've wished that I
could mold you,
Into someone who could cherish me as I cherish you.
4.
CHOICE
1. Real intimacy, William Kilpatrick tells us, is possible only when we have established a strong
sense of personal identity. Identity should come, he argues, from comitment, even in the
confusing, speedy, twentieth century.
Kilpatrick calls upon such thinkers as Kierkegaard and Erik Erikson for definitions of identity.
They tell us that the only way to develop individual identity is through choice. "It's preceisely
this," writes Kilpatrick, "that contemporary man finds so difficult to do. He does not want to
choose....he wants to taste all thepossibilities without ever having to choose among them. He

looks about him at the many attractive identities from which to choose and fears that any
exercise of choice will limit him to something less than his appetite for variety demands."
As long as we fail to choose, Kilpatrick sasys, we fail to establish identity, that home base
from which we can function effectively and affectionately in the world. And this failure makes
intimacy impossible.
2. Their are many careers to choose from but to get anywhere you have to choose one and go
with it. You give up many others to do so, but if you do not choose one you will not get any. So
with marriage, you have to give up many to have one that you can develop and perfect.
COMMITMET I found these ten commitments of marriage on a bulletin board and do not know
who wrote them, but they are excellent and deserve to be spread with thanks to the one who
put them together.
The Ten Commitments of Marriage
Marriage was designed by God. Then, why do so many marriage
relationships go steadily downhill to ultimate destruction and ruin?
I believe it is because before marriage, many couples never made in
their hearts certain foundational commitments that can strengthen and
sustain marriages for this life we are called to live in. In many more
cases the couple arrive in marriage as non8Christian, and fail to
adjust their thinking AFTER they receive Jesus Christ as their Savior.
We read secular and non8secular reports that link the failure of
marriages to money, sex, children or that old8time favorite of the
world 8 incompatibility! What most us fail to look at is that problems
are only symptoms for the real failure.
In a recent "ordeal" that I found I had subjected myself to in my
marriage, I found myself talking with many couples, and found that they
have not developed one or more of ten basic commitments, which I have
just recently found in my own life. I observed that the majority of
these couples were destined or were now experiencing severe
difficulties that should never need come up. Husbands and wives need to
grow into these commitments as the need for them becomes clear through
the teaching of the Holy Spirit. But God in His wisdom granted that you
should be reading this or hearing this at a time that the Spirit has
appointed for you to hear or read.
Most couples didn't fully understand these godly concepts before
they got married. Many don't take the time to understand them, now.
These ten commitments, which must be made in the heart 8 for the
heart is "the wellspring of life" (Proverbs 4:23)8and by faith, since
faith is the only way to please God (Hebrews 11:6), are as follows:
COMMITMET #1
To Commit your marriage and your family to the Lord Jesus Christ.
Many marriages begin with a vow to be under the authority of God,
but then fail to follow the promises on this vow and others that the
marriage vow ask. We are to make a decision and commit our family to
God in a deep and meaningful way. "Choose ye this day whom ye will
serve, but for me and my house 8 we will serve the Lord." (Joshua

24:15). Only by having Him as the head of both husband and wife will
the marriage prosper.
COMMITMET #2:
To grow in Christ for the Rest of My Life.
ot every Christian has decided to "grow in the grace and knowledge
of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ" (II Peter 3:18). Instead,
Christians often think that they have already arrived or that there is
"nothing wrong with me." There is nothing wrong with a two year old
acting like a two year old, but the child should eventually grow out of
that behavior. In the same way, none of us has matured enough that our
present state should be classified "mature" we are only able to be
"maturing." We must seek growth. We must seek to grow. The result of a
lifetime commitment to growth in Christ is that we become more mature
in every area of life.
In marriage, which demands increasing maturity in character,
responsibility, and wisdom, non8growing Christians cannot make it.
Their pride will not allow them to accept the learning, correction,
rebukes, and questions that require them to humble themselves. Only an
open and teachable person can develop the characteristics needed to
make a good marriage partner.
COMMITMET #3:
To stay committed to my marriage for life, and to work to solve all
problems that arise.
This commitment provides the security of permanence and keeps us
from running away from problems. Either we face up to them and solve
them, or we live with them.
Christians and Christian leaders are part of the climbing divorce
rate in our society, but God still requires faithfulness to our
marriage vows (Malachi 2:14). He declares, "I Hate Divorce" (Verse 16).
Does this enslave me as a Christian? o! instead it give security in
the midst of a world in which "you will have trouble," as Christ stated
(John 16:33). And it means living in hope that no problem is too great
to be solved.
God is working in marriage to fulfill His own desires as well as all
married Christians. He is "seeking godly offspring" (Malachi 2:15) from
our homes, and therefore He requires faithfulness in marriage.
COMMITMET #4:
To be faithful to my mate in both mind and action.
Unfaithful actions can be headed off by commitment to think
romantically OLY about the husband or wife. (Matthew 5:28).
To decide, "My mate is the only one I will allow myself to think
about in this way" will cut off a lot of problems before they begin.
The result in marriage will be a greater level of mutual trust.

COMMITMET #5:
To practice and allow to be practiced the "help meet" of Genesis.
Mankind has heaped years and years of garbage upon the alter of
marriage by downgrading the role of the woman in marriage. Many women
have allowed themselves to live under these conditions in the interest
of peace, Mostly to no avail.
God created woman to complete man, which transmits the idea that man
was lacking in some areas, and this lacking has existed since man began
and continues today. Too many men refuse to accept this gift from God
for completion and "macho" it out trying to be all capable and "support
the little lady!" Well, God, in His wisdom set a wife on the life of a
husband to allow them to be presented to Him as "One Flesh" and
complete in their TOGETHERESS!
This does not mean that a wife simply takes orders 8 it means that
SOMETIMES she is the OLY messenger God has to get through some thick
skulls of some husbands. The wife must be able to deliver rebuke,
reproof and exhortation in accordance with the leading of the Holy
Spirit; However, it is IMPORTAT that the wife recognize that her
responsibility EDS when she delivers the message! God has ordained
that the Husband be the head of the family 8 not the dictator 8 the
HEAD "just as Christ is the head of the church" and with the same
servant manner and sacrificial attitudes of the Lord Jesus Christ! When
the husband has COMPLETELY lived up to the standards set by God, THE
he can dictate! Until then God has seen fit to have another person come
along side and travel the road of life with him, and he had better
listen to what she says. Most of the time she can be the KEY to success
and failure to listen can result in failure.
The wife must realize that she is commanded to obey her husband. ot
blindly, but in accordance with the Word of God. God has set up a plan
for marriage and families and the plan works to the good of those who
follow the precepts, and disaster results in straying from the plan.
The wife should OFFER her advice and admonitions in LOVE and not in
confrontation. Communicate to him in the same manner as God
communicates to you, with overwhelming Love 8 AGAPE love! If the
husband wants to do something you don't really care to do, and it is
not against the laws of God, then God asks that you follow your
husband. (I Corinthians 11:3)! If you follow his request just as you
would follow the request of Jesus Christ, then you will be blessed in
ways that you never thought possible. Trust in the Lord.
COMMITMET #6:
To communicate8O MATTER WHAT!
Most people learn not to reveal many of their thoughts and feelings
because these are personal and so easily judged by others 8 "You
shouldn't feel that way." This fear of judgement from others brings
about an attitude of "I'll never mentions that again."
But just as nothing can separate us from the Love of Christ (Romans
8:35839), so nothing should stop us from communicating in marriage;
silence, tears,explosions of anger, defiance, defensiveness, the
children, or lack of time.

This is a commitment to communicate not just facts and
accomplishments, but feelings, thoughts, problems, and failures. Both
the positive and the negatives in our lives need expression.
COMMITMET #7:
To be a Servant
God created both men and women to be servants of God, of each other,
and of their neighbors. The husband and wife are equal in dignity and
worth, and work together as "joint heirs of the grace of life" (I Peter
3:7,RSV) to achieve common goals.
Yet each fulfills different roles. The husband takes responsibility
as the leader in the marriage (I Corinthians 11:3), but his success
begins and ends with a servant's attitude. A willingness to serve each
other will bring about mutual dependence and appreciation.
COMMITMET #8:
To assume in everything that my mate's intentions are good.
We are told not to impute evil to God (James 1:13), and in marriage
we are likewise to assume the best about our partner's intentions. Some
of our mate's actions may not seem to be good, but we must believe that
the intent was good.
Let us give our wife/husband the benefit of the doubt. He or she may
be immature in some ways and may act out of jealousy or revenge8but
even these are cries for help. By avoiding the accusations, each of us
will have far less grounds for conflicts and hurt feelings.
COMMITMET #9:
To forgive and forget the transgressions of our mates.
The hardest act for a human to do is admit to a wrong and ask
forgiveness. To be met with a list of acts of contrition that must be
followed before forgiveness is "granted" creates a schism in the very
foundation of marriage. To compound this error by "dredging up past
offenses" is a direct sin against the very Word of God when God tells
us to keep "no record of wrongs" (I Corinthians 13:5). This sin is not
reserved for any single partner 8 it is practiced by both. It is sin.
It is to be confessed and repented and washed from us. Then the healing
of God's power will be able to be received!
COMMITMET #10:
LOVE OE AOTHER.
It may seem strange that I make this the last of the commitments,
yet it has been the critical facet of each of the previous nine.
The "norm" heard in the divorce courts is "I just don't feel any
love for ..... anymore!" The world teaching that Love is a feeling. The
Bible tells us that Love is a verb 8 an ACTIO.

We are not called to "feel" love, we are COMMADED to LOVE! We are
to love our spouse, and sometimes we must love them in spite of our
"feelings" and "please God and not man (ourselves)"(Acts 4:19). We must
commit all the other nine commitments in our heart and attach this
tenth one to every one of the other nine. Only by His power can we join
the Lord when He told us to "be of good cheer for I have overcome the
world" and we need so much to be overcomers. Allow the world and our
own families see the Rock that our lives CA be founded on. Let us
enjoy the life "and life more abundantly" by following the plan that
God laid out for us in His Word, The plan that many times counters our
own plan because it requires the Lordship of Jesus Christ and not
ourselves. It requires that a husband Serve his wife! It requires that
we ALL have the servant nature that sees us washing feet in the
spiritual manner that Jesus provided such a physical example of. Let us
each ask our spouse the simple question that can very well blow our
present "ship" out of the water of the world and settle us on a Rock,
the Rock of Jesus Christ. That question is "What are your REAL needs
and how do you think I could be more able to supply them?"
COMMITMET
1. Robert Johnson wrote, "A man is committed to a woman only when he can inwardly affirm
that he binds himself to her as an individual and that he will be with her evenwhenhe is no
longer "in love," even when he and she are no longer afire with passion and he no longer sees in
her his ideal of perfection or the reflection of his soul. When a man can say this inwardly, and
mean it, then he has his ideal of perfection or the reflection of his soul. When a man can say this
inwardly, and mean it, then he has touched the essence of commitment. But he should know
that he has an inner battle ahead of him. The love potion is strong: The new morality of
romance is deeply ingrained in us; it seizes us and dominates us when we least expect it. To put
the love potion on the correct level, to live it without betraying his human relationships, is the
most difficult task of consciousness that any man can undertake in our modern Western world.
COMMO ITERESTS
Two people can love each other, without loving the same
interests.
But in the play, The Hamlet of Stepney Green by Bernard Kops, one of England's dramatists, Sam
Levy, a wise middle8aged Jew, says this to his son, David: "Marry a girl who shares your interests
so that, when the love of passion cools down, the love of admiration and real friendship flares up
and compensates...."
COMMUICATIO
1.Expressing love
"TELL HER"
Amid the cares of married life,
In spite of toil and business
strife,
If you value your sweet wife,
Tell her so!
Prove to her you don't forget
The bond to which your seal is
set;
She's of life's sweet the sweetest
yet88
Tell her so!

Don't act as if she'd passed her
prime,
As though to please her was a
crime88
If e'er you loved her, now's the
time:
Tell her so!
ever let her heart grow cold88
Richer beauties will unfold;
She is worth her weight in go
88Author unknown
2.EVER EDIG
Communication is an on8going process, no matter how long
you've been together.
For example, my wife and I used to listen to all kinds
of music on our stereo or in the car. Then, in recent years,
I thought the quality of music overall had "gone down the
tubes," and I completely abandoned listening to music.
My wife agreed that "modern music" was bad, so without
further discussion, we BOTH stopped listening to music. She
never brought it up again, until a few weeks ago (as of this
writing), and told me how much she missed music, especially
in the house. I honestly hadn't thought about it for the
past few years, and by now our stereo and record collection
was outdated.
She simply wanted a little portable tape player and some
new tapes. I told her I had no idea she was being "musically
deprived," and took her stereo shopping. I ended up buying
her a huge stereo with dual tape decks and a CD player
combination. She was happy, and now "really cranks it up"
when I'm not around, knowing that I'm still not really into
music anymore.
3.SILET ACTS COMMUICATE PLETY
Communication is often SILET!
Men: Pick up your clothes! Clean up your bathroom mess!
Put the toilet seat down! Hug and kiss your wife frequently,
without "expecting" sex!
Give your wife little gifts from time to time! Do
something SHE wants!
Women: Clean up YOUR bathroom mess! Don't nag! Fix
homey meals! Hug and kiss your husband frequently! Give
your husband little gifts from time to time. Do something HE
wants!
COMMUICATIO
1a. Words are mind and soul food and they either nourish because they are healthy words, or
they make you ill because they are toxic words. You can strave mentally and emotionally if you
do not get an adequate intake of verbal food. o communication for the mind is like no calories

for the body. We get word hunger and crave meaningful conversation. This is especially true of
a mother who spends all day with young children who have a limited volcabulary. It is verbal
milk and cookies all day and she nneds some adult communication.
1.b People are shocked that after years of marriage they have problems and they do not even
recognize they have neglected their marriage and do not even communicate. John W. drakeford
writes, "Years of experience in a counseling center led me to conclude any type of family
difficulty could be solved if the subjects learned to communicate with each other." It seem that
the brain goes on furlough just when the mouth goes on active duty. Love is still the best form of
warfare, but it becomes more valuable when people communicate. Marriage has to be
maintained just like your car or it will go to pot.
1c. What is a friend? A former stranger that you learned to communicate with. What is a lost
friend? One you ceased to communicate with.
2. Try to talk to each other about subjects you have never discussed. It can be way out like the
effects of biochemistry on the butterflies of Bolivia. Seek to express yourself on what is different
and new and move toward that which is relevant like here is the thing I most need from you.
3. Dr. David Mace in Close Companions writes, "It is quite possible for two people to live together
under the same roof, as husband and wife, for many years; to sit together at meals three times a
day, to sleep in the same bed every night....and do this for a lifetime, and not really know each
other as persons." The only way we can know anyone intimately is by communication and self8
disclosure. Mates must learn to expose not just their bodies for physical intimacy, but their inner
being for the other types of intimacy.
4. It is possible to have negative communication also. Like the pastor who preached on gossip
and the song leader chose for the closing hymn, I Love To Tell The Story. It is possible to say
what is inappropriate and better left unsaid.
5. Reuel Howe wrote in his book The Miracle of Dialogue, " Verbal Communication, like an
iceburg, has its vast hidden areas. Indeed, what appears on the surface is but a small part of
what is involved in communication. We've all had the experience of speaking and being
completely puzzled by the response we receive becasue it seems to be either out of proportion to
what we have said or completely irrelevant."
6. A student exponded long on Einstein's theory of relativity. The professor said, "Young man, I
have listened carefully to your intire presentation and I have come to the conclusion that you are
greater than Einstein. According to reports there are only 12 men in the entire world who
understand Einsten. obody understands you."
7 Phylis Mc Ginley wrote,
Sticks and stones are hard on bones,
Aimed with an anagry asrt.
Words can sting like anything,
But silence breaks the heart.
But then you have the other side, a Chinese proverb says, "Married couples who love each other,
tell each other a thousand things without talking."
8 Psychiatrist Ignace Lepp says, "The majority of conjugal misunderstandings that I have
encountered professionally wree not due to sexual incompatibility itself...is more frequently than
not th eresult of a lact of spiritual communication.
9. Franklin Pierce Adams in 1960 wrotes,
If, my dear, you seek to slumber,
Count of stars and endless number;
If you still continue wakeful,
Count the drops that make a lakeful;
Then, if vigilance yet above you
Hovers, count the times I love you;
And if slumber still repel you
Count the times I do not tell you.
10. One experienced counselor was asked: What is the most essential characteristic of a happy
marriage? He replied, "After love, the ability to confide fully, freely, and frankly in each other.
11. "We can know a great deal about other people, both in particular and in general, without

knowing them....To know another person we must be in communication with him, and
communication is a two8way porcess. To be in commincation is to have something in common."
John Mac Murray, who wrote these words, added, "All knowledge of persons is by revelation. My
knowledge of you depends not merely on what I do, but upon what you do; and if you refuse to
reveal yourself to me, I cannot know you, however much I may wish to do so."
12. "There is a degree of closeness in communication that is not desirable88the candor embared
upon so conscientiously that each partner has no private thoughts, no separate identity.
Problems are not always halved by sharing them; sometimes they are doubled, and unnecessarily
so. ot every thought is to be conveyed to one's partner. There is an intensity of
communication that becomes opporessive, a communicative need that is neruotic.
13. H. orman Wright gives this definition, ".....communication is a process (either verbal or
non8verbal) of sharing information with another person in such a way that he understands what
you are saying."
14. COMMUICATIO
1. From the Latin communis which means common. When we communicate
we establish commoness. Talking which shatters commoness is all to frequent
in marriage, and this means talking itself is not necessarily good communication.
Sometimes we communicate better by being silent.
2. on verbal communication is very important. You can say to your wife,
"Is it okay to postpone our dinner date? I want to help Harry get his car
fixed for the race on saturday." The wife may say, "I don't care88go ahead."
Those words convey one message, but the tears in her eyes are saying,"You
louse. You care more about Harry and that stupid race than you do about me."
What she said was not what she felt. That is why communication is such a
tricky and complex aspect of human relationships.
The husband may say to his wife, "You can chose the color you want for
our new car." She loves blue, but he wants something that better matches
the camper. She spots her color, but he says, "That's alright, but do you really
think its best? You can chose it if you want, but it is not really the best choice."
He is saying she can make the decision, but he is also saying make it to please
me or I'll be hurt and disappointed. He wants to be noble about it, but also get
his own way.
Holding hands is a form of non8verbal communication. It bothered me for a
long time to hold hands in public, but Lavonne liked it and so I have had to over8
come my self8consciousness and do it, and now I enjoy it as much as her. Share
your experiences with non8verbal communication.
3. Communication is difficult because of different backgrounds and teaching.
This is strongly illustrated by U.S. soldiers stationed in England during World
War II. Patterns of courtship differ in each culture. There are stages to go
through from first eye contact to consumation. Kissing was early in the pattern
for Americans. It was about step five, but for English girls it was more like step
25. So when the soldier wanted to kiss so early in the relationship, that told her
he was moving to fast, and robbing her of 20 steps of proper behavior. She had
to make a discision: Break it off and run, or go all the way. If she chose to for8
get the 20 steps and go for it, she was ready for bed after the kiss. The soldier
read this as being to quick and bordering on the postitute level. Thus, they both
got signals that said they were brash because of the radical difference in their
cultural pattern of courtship.
4. All living things depend on adequate information about their enviroment to
survive. That is why we take our temperture and blood pressure and other tests.
We need to know what it happening to know how to act wisely.
5. Body language varies according to custom and culture. In orth America and
Central and Western Europe the right distance to stand in a face to face encourter
is arm's length. In Latin America and Mediterranean countries, the distance is
much closer. So when people from these two places meet both try to take a
position that feels right. The Latin moves up and the orthern moves back, for
it is to close. The Latin feels to far away and moves up. Both are trying to feel

comfortable but neither can, for their comfort is found in different distances. You
cannot please both, and so there is a need for compromise.
A couple on their honeymoon had a fight because the wife began to talk to
another couple in the hotel where they ate. He did not enter in to the conversation
and got very moody. They were on two different wave links. She felt excited
about relating to others as a married woman for the first time. He felt a honey8
moon was a time to ignore the rest of the world and be exclusive. These opposite
points of view led them to spoil their honeymoon.
There are five levels of communication8things, persons, feelings, ideas, and self.
You need to break through each level to get deeper and more intimate. Learn to reveal yourself
and not conceal yourself.
THE VISUAL PERSOALITY
Most men are visual and will notice a new hairstyle or dress.
Some are so visual they have to be seeing something all the time. They love
movies with a lot of action. To much mere talk makes them nervous.
They do not like to talk about feelings but rather how things look. He has feelings but does
not like to share them. To get him to share feelings you have to start with seeing. How does
this setup look to you? Give him visual images to consider.
ow how do yo feel about a trio to iagra Falls but how does it look to you? Visual men tend
to hate their feelings being exposed.
Visual men hare often checking things to see if its right. The car and their office. They like ti
neat and organized. They love maps which there wife often hates. He needs notes to
remember88A spoken word will vanish. He preperrs face to face rather than phone
conversations.
A note to such a man telling him you love him can mean more than the spoken word.
If you want him to remember brithdays etc. Write in his calendar don't just ell him. That is
for the auditry man.
THE AUDITORY PERSOALITY.
He will walk in and never notice you've spent all day on a new hairdo and wardrobe. He
wants to hear about your day and tell you about his. His feelings are triggered by what he hears
more than by what he sees.
Music means more to him than pictures. The inner logic of words is a turn on. He is tuned
into. He loves conversation. He hears tone of voice and not just words. Say hello on the phone
and he knows if you are happy or sad.
He is more laid back than the visual man. He does not hae to be running about to see what
is happening he loves to read and listen and talk. He can be happy hearing about something
witout having to go see it for himself.
He is stinulated by the right words in the right tone.
10. Many conflicts result from people trying hard to communicate in two different languages.
The visual wife is breaking her neck to say I love you in visualese. She cleans and dresses she
does not say I love you in audioese. By music and by quiet and by vertalizing I love you he
thinks she is not saying it at all.
He on the other hand things he is eloquent in saying it. He brings home a new reocrd and
says I love you. Lets listen to this. But he throws his jacket on the chair making a spotless
house look messy. He throws the record over on the floor and she does not hear the I love you.
She is visual and what she sees and thus hears is I don't care about all your labor of love at all.
She becomes angry at his insensitivity and he is hurt by ;her unwillingness to crop all else and
listn with him.
Here are two people trying hard to say I love you. They are shouting it actually. But each is
hearing what matters to you. Is no big dela to me and the get a message just the oppostire of
what each intends.
This is why love and marriage is so complex. People don't learn each other love language.
Imagine a visual husband so concerned about appearance having to tell his feeling wife her
dress looks awful. He is saying I love you and want to see you look good. So I can be proud of
you. But she hears you don't love me or you wouldn't be so critical of what I wear. He hears
from this I don't love you for I don't care whether you like it or not. Your love language is all

Greek to me.
People are constant conflict because of their love langauge. Until they learn to interpret each
other they will be sending the wrong signals that hinder rather than help romance.
ow all of us have all the senses and so we all speak and hear all of the language let the
point is it is our dominient use that is the most important.
To communicate feelings in a nonthreatening way, start your sentences with
"I" rather than "you". When you say "I feel angry" instead of "You make me
angry," for examples, you are taking responsiblity for your feelings instead of blaming your
partner.
avoid these comunication pitfalls:
A. Changing "I" to "you" in the middle of the sentence, as in "I was hurt when
you ignored me at the party," instead of "I felt hurt when I was by myself at the
party."
B. Using "we" to avoid taking responsibility for your feelings. Saying "We
never go out any more" assumes your mate feels the way you do. Instead, try
"I'd really like to go out more often."
C. Usisng "it" to express what you want: "It seems you're really not interested in my
problem," rather than the more frontal "I really want you to care about this problem."
We are to be therapists to our mates. We are two experts, one is the leading authority on how
they feel and the other the leading authority on ho;w to make them feel better about you.
Dr. Dorthy Beck, director of Family Service Research has established this seris of specific
husband8wife communication problems.
1. Mutual suppression 8the silent couple
2. One8sided communication8one demanding and the other withdrawing.
3. Stilted of intellectual8 a defense against sharing feelings.
4. Indirect of devious8 talking through children or friends or relatives.
5. Fighting8limited to times of anger.
on8verbal can be harsh and damaging. John's shirt was not ready for his trip and he did not
say anything to Jan, but just did not buy her a gift on his trip. She did not say anything about
that but just refused to make love on his first night back. This game can go on all the way to the
divorce court.
We can only be known as intimately as we choose to be known. obody can know me and how
I feel unless I communicate it. I determine by my revelation of myself who I really am. Many
mates keep themselves hidden by lack of communication and the heart cry of their mate is take
of the mask and tell me who you are.
CHRISTIAS HAVE A HARD TIME BEIG HOEST8WHY?
It is pride and the fear of rejection. We find it easier to give advice on everything under the
sun if people do not know that we have the same problems and do not fix them with our own
advice. We hate to admit we cannot take our own medicine. But if we admit our weaknesses we
are better able to deal with them.
Can you tell your mate when you feel emotions inconsistent with your ideals?
A wife who died of a heart attack did not tell her husband she had a problem for 6 months.
He only found it out after her death. She did not want him to suffer the burden of it, but he
suffered even more because she did not confide in him and let him share the burden with her. It
is almost always wrong and unloving to keep deep feeling from your mate.
Talk is not necessarily communication. "Communication means to overcome the desire to
conceal feelings and thoughts and rise to the level of honestly about money, fears, wishes,
motivations, sex feelings and responses, mistakes made, resentments and misunderstandings."
Judge John Warren Hill of ew York Domestic Relations Court reported on 250 thousand

cases of marital failure and concluded that, "Bottled up resentments constitute one of the
greatest dangers to marriages." People do not release their tensions by honest communication,
but rather dishonest quarrels and fights.
*Reveal yourself. Tell your mate something about yourself they think they do not know. Share
how you feel about something you have never shared before.
Howard and Charlotte Clinebell in The Imtimate Marriage write, "There are many ways to say I
love you: A fond glance, a tender or playful touch in an appropriate spot, a thoughtful gift,
choicing to sit close in a crowded room, and listening with genuine interest, a kiss on the back of
the neck, a note, perhaps a private joke left where it will be found, a word of sympathy or
support, a sly wink, preparing a favorite dish, a bowl of flowers carefully arranged, a phone call
in the middle of the day, and even, perhaps, remembering to take out the trash are but a few. A
part of the joy of marriage is this opportunity to develop and almost endless variety of
transmission lines for the meanings that are important to each other."
"o spouse should ever assume that he8she knows I love him8her. A growing sense of
imtimacy should not require minute8to8minute reinforcement, but even the healthiest husbands
and wives have enough doubts about themselves as persons worth loving to need regular
affirmation from each other."
Checking out meanings. Mates should frequently say, "Is this what you mean?"
And then say what you think. They will either say that's it or you are on the wrong track. For
example, a woman was asked, "Where did you get that huge diamond?" She responded, "From
my late husband. He asked me to promise him I would use some of our money to buy a nice
stone when he was gone."
Try and see from the others point of view. A wife said, "If my husband really cared,
he'd know what I need." This wife expects her husband to be a mind reader. Her unrealistic
expectations make her angry.
Learn to say it straight. Say what you mean. The wife says to her husband at the table
hidden behind a paper, "I wish you wouldn't always slurp your coffee." But what she really
means, "I feel hurt when you hide in the newspaper instead of talking to me." Learn to say I
feel rather than you are. A cartoon shows a couple leaving a counselors office and he says, "ow
that we've learned to communicate, shut up!"
We cannot not communicate, for even silence can be saying plenty. Wallace Denton
says to those he counsels, "The degree to which your marriage succeeds or fails will be closely
related to your ability to communicate with each other, to understand and be understood."
Dr. Morris Mandel, author of 13 books writes, "To love means to communicate to the other that
you are for him, that you will never let you down when he needs you, that you will always be
standing by with encouragement.
If I thought that a word of mine,
Perhaps unkind and untrue,
Would leave its trace on a loved one's face,
I'd never speak it, would you?
Reuel L. Howe in Herein Is Love writes, "If there is anyone indispenable insight with which a
young married couple should begin their life together, it is that they should try to keep open, at
all cost, the lines of communication between them."
People fear rejection and that is why they do not reveal themselves. They think people would
reject them if they knew them. Mates can take advantage of intimate knowledge. John had
always been one to hide his enter feelings. But on one occasion
in a moment of emotional honesty he confided that sometimes in a quarrel he knows he
is wrong. He has regretted a thousand times ever revealing that to Lil. In nearly every quarrel
since then she has thrown that up to him, clobbering him over the head with it.
Perhaps she should not be surprised that he has revealed so little of himself since then.
Man has two paradoxical emotions, the need to be known and the fear to be known.
Dr. Howard Henricks says nothing is easier than talking, but nothing is harder than

communicating. Couples get angry and silent and begin to say less than nice things.
One couple giving each other the silent treatment were driving along and the husband saw a
donkey by the fence. It was time to speak, and he said, "One of your relatives?" She was ready
for the occasion and said, "Yes88on my husbands side."
15. Gerald Dabe in How Can We Keep Chr. Marriage From Falling Apart? wrote,
METHODS OF SEDIG METHODS OF RECEIVIG
1. Words 1. Hear
2. Expressions 2. See
3. Deeds 3. Feel
4. Actions
5. Gestures
6. Touch
7. Silence
In the sending and receiving of messages a variety of tools are available to us. The above list
shows some of the more frequently used methods.
"There are many ways to say the same thing," I told the couple.
"That's for sure," Debby said, looking directly at her husband. "Teach him how to use words
to tell me he loves me. He is great at fixing anything that breaks in the house. He says that's
the way he expresses his love to me, but somehow repairing the leaking faucet just isn't the
same as speaking words."
16. Just as the nature of couple talk changes after marriage, so does the amount of time couples
spend talking to each other. ow that they've agreed to be partners forever, newlyweds
commonly find that the sense of urgency that accompanied their premarital dialogues tends to
dissipate. Though research shows that couples in their first year of marriage speak to each other
more than they will later on (some studies indicate that long8maried men and women talk to
each other for an average of thirty8seven minutes a week!) newlyweds still spend far less time
involved in intimat tete8a8tetes than unmarried lovers.
17. Here are some tips to help you an dyour spouse communicate.
C88Commit yourself to listening to your spouse every day.
O88Observe each other's unspoken needs.
M88Make regular appointments to spend time together and talk.
M88Mend you arguments before you go to bed.
U88Utilize the opportunities to let your actions speak louder than words.
88otice the positive things your spouse does, and say thanks.
I88Initiate conversation by asking feeling8oriented questions.
C88Care about your spouse's opinions, even if they differ from yours.
A88Admit to your spouse when you're wrong.
T88Touch each other when you listen or talk.
E88Expect the best of your spouse. 888Byron Emmort
18. Leslie ovron wrote:
1. "Much more frequently talk over pleasant things that happen durin gthe day.
2. Feel more frequently understood by thier spouses; that is, than their
messages are getting across.
3. Discuss things which are shared interests.
4. Are less likely to break communication off or inhibit it by pouting.
5. More oftenwill talk with each other about personal problems.
6. Make more frequent us of owrds which have a private meaning for them.
7. Generally talk most things over together.
8. Are more sensitive to each other's feelings and make adjustments to take
these into account wen they speak.
9. Are more free to discuss intimate issues without restraint or embarrasssment.
10. Are more able to tell what kind of day their spouses have had without asking.
19. After years of research in the area of communication Albert Mehrabian suggest the following
breakdown in the relationship of words to communication:
Words alone 7%
Tone and voice inflection 38%
Facial expressions, posture, and gestures 55%
The dictionary definition of communication is "to make another or others partakers of; give a

share of; make known; recount."
David W. Augsburger defines communication as "the meeting of meaning." He writes, "When
your meaning meets my meaning across the bridge of words, tones, deeds, acts, when
understanding occurs, then we have commicated.
Communication, then, is the visual or vocal transmission of meanings from one to another or
others.
COMMUICATIO COVEAT
1. orman Wright wrote, "We will express our irritations with each other in a loving, specific and
positive manner rather than holding them in or being negative in general.
I will: acknowledge that I have a problem rather than stating that you are "doing such and
such": not procratinate by waiting for the "right" time to express irritations: ask myself why I
feel irritation over this problem.
2. We will not exaggerate or attack each other during a disagreement.
I will: stick with the specific issue; take several seconds to fromulate my words so I can be
accurate; consider the consequences of what I am about to say: not use words like "always," "all
the time," everyone." etc.
3. We will attempt to control the emotional level and intensity of arguments and will take one8to
ten8minute timeouts when we feel our anger getting out of control. During the timeouts we will
in writing define the problem being discussed, the areas of agreement and disagreement and
three alternate solutions. Then we will share what we have written.
I will: decide before I say something whether I would want this statement said of me in the
same tone of voice.
4. We will not let the sun go down on our anger or run away from each other during an
argument.
I will: remind myself that controlling my emotions will lead to a more speedy resolution of the
problem.
5. We will both try hard not to interrupt the other when he/she is talking.
I will: consider information that will be lost by interrupting the other person; put into practice
Proverbs 18:13 and James 1:19.
6. We will carefully listen to one another when we are talking, rather than using that time to
think up our defenses.
I will: ask the other person to stop and repeat what was said if I find myself formulating my
response while he/she is speaking; repeat back what I heard said if I have difficulty listening.
7. We will not bring up the other person's failures in the course of an argument.
I will: remind myself that a failure has been discussed and forgiven and thus should not be
brought up again; remember that bringing up failures cripples a person from growing adn
developing.
8. When something is important enough for one person to talk about, it is equally important for
the other person.
I will: eliminate outside interferences such as the radio, television, books, etc. during a
discussion; admit to the other person when I am having difficulty wanting to discuss a matter
with him/her.
LEVELS OF COMMUICATIO
1. Ted Engstrom wrote, Wright begins with the fifth level which he calls "cliche conversation"88
the everyday social converstaion with those we meet casually, on the street or at the
supermarket. The "How are you?", "How's the family?" "How's the job?" sort of thing88"safe"
conversation, in which there is virtually no personal sharing.
Levenl four is "reporting the facts about others." This involves talking about what others
have said, but without any personal commentary. Every such conversation consists, essentially,
of a "Five O clock ews" report of waht happened today and what So8and8so said.
Leven three includes "our personal ideas and judgment." Here is where some meaningful
communication begins. At this level, we are willing to step out of our solitary confinement and
risk revealing some of our inner ideas and concerns.

Level two is "our feelings or emotions." This is when we express how we feel about those
facts, ideas, and judgments. Again, we are revealing even more about who we are and what we
believe.
Leven one is "complete emotional and personal truthful communication." All deep
relationships88and especially marriage888must be built on this kind of absolute openness and
honesty.
2.
COMMUICATIO LESSO I
"Communication is to love what blood is to life." All relationships thrive on communication.
The challenge of marriage is to keep it going. People love to talk in courtship. but after they
marry they feel they know everything about eaach other and they cease to talk. this kills
intimacy. the more two people talk and share the more ilntimate they feel. Take that away and
they feel like strangers again.
*Reflect on your first meeting and first dates and what you talked about.
The Bible has much to say about communication8Prov. 12:18, 15:14and28, 18:13,17,21, 21:23,
25:11 Words can make or break a marriage.
Males tend to communicate in facts and females in feelings. How does this fit you as a
couple?Men feel they have achieved their goal when they get married and move on to other
goals, but women want the romance and communication to go on and on. One woman said,
"Sometimes I daydream of meeting my husband in disguise on a train or boat or at a party, and
staying up all night talking to him. I think if we could forget we weere married and talk as two
human beings, we could mean something to each other again."
The longer a couple is married the less they talk to each other.
Jack Taylor in What Every Husband Should Know writes, "othing in our lives has yielded more
dividends than the time we have deliberately set aside to cummunicate. The most valualbe
lesson I have discovered in many years is that a wife considers any communication better than
no communication at all. ow that I think of it, I believe that Barbara and I learned this
together. It mystified me that Barbara would seem to push for communication, even if she had
to make me angry to do it. Then, when I would respond in anger at first, the whole spirit of our
conversation would change. She seemed to delight in it. She would rather have me talking to
her angrily than not talking to her at all!
Listen to one passive husband's plea. "Something must be done about women. My wife is
always pushing my buttons, just to get a response. I don't think she cares about what kind of
response she gets, just as long as I react. She pushed so hard the other day that I finally yelled
at her and told her to lay off. She grinned as though I had given her a bouquet of flowers. She
said, "Usually I get no feeling out of you. I'd rather you yelled at me than to have you just sit
there."
Communication lies at the heart of a woman's needs. Through it most of her needs are met.
She needs to be loved and have continued evidences that validate her feelings. The woman who
does not communicate will suffer death in a part of her being where life's deepest responses are
born.
These words can be posted on the door of any housem whether it is the house of
government or the house of business88but more especially over your dwelling andmine888
COMMUICATE OR DISITEGRATE!
Ed Wheat wrote, "An unknown sage once said, "Sometimes we wake up to the startling discovery
that many of our most important relationships are suffering fomr verbal malnutrition." In no
relationship are those words more true than in marriage. With good communication, a marriage
grows888stronger, richer, more meaningful. When a couple as little or no communication, the
marriage dies, much like a plant that gets no water.
Ed Wheat wrote, "Communication is one of the extraordinary delights of marriage, when it's
working. othing, not even sexual fulfillment, will bring as much enriching intimacy into your
relationship.

But it's more than a luxurious pleasure. Call it the lifeline of a love8filled marriage88the means
by which indispensable supplies are transported from husband to wife, and from wife to
husband.
WHAT A GOOD LIFELIE SUPPLIES.
If you have good communication in your marriage, the lifeline will provide these supplies:
The knowledge and understanding of one another which you need for
intimate closeness.
The interchange of information and ideas you need to work together as a
husband8wife team.
The capability to work out your differences and resolve your conflicts.
The continuing "in touch" contact you must have to grow together in the
same direction, and to be there to support each other during the changes
and difficult times of life.
Obviously, couples trying to operate without these supplies will encounter major problems.
In the troubled marriages we counsel, communication lines are almost always clogged or
severed. In fact, researchers believe that ninety percent of all marriage counseling involves the
attempt to restore communication, or to teach the couple to communicate effectively for the very
first time.
Willard Harley wrote, "I can, personally testify to how easily a couple can change and grow apart
if they don't maintain good conversation. When we married, I had just graduated from college,
and Joyce had just finished her second year. After just two months of married life Joyce decided
not to finish college and took a full8time job as a secretary. We had our first child when I
completed two years of graduage school, and Joyce became a full8time homemaker. At the end
of three more years of graduagte school, I had a Ph. D. and we had two children.
Joyce began to develop her interest and ability in music while my careerled me into
psychology. She became a gospel recording artist and sought8after speaker and vocalist. I
taught psychology, conducted research, and developed a counseling practice.
Soon I saw that we had little to talk about anymore. When I tried to tell her about my work,
she tuned in for all of ten seconds and then was gone. I listened for about the same amount of
time.
When a husband and wife take part in conversation that really communicates this
information about their needs, they will learn to become more campatiible. They need to share
their feelings and reactions. To start such a conversation, ask what your spouse thinks and feels.
One evening you might use questions such as these: "What has made you feel good today?
What has made you feel bad? Then let your spouse know what made you feel good today and
what made you feel bad.
When you share this kind of information, you will better understand what's going on in your
spouse's world and his or her reactions to situations that influence you both. If something I do
affects my wife negatively, I need to know it so I can eliminate that behavior and do something
pleasing for her instead. Conversely, if I'm doing something right, I need to know that, too, so I
can continue or even increase that action. Couples can't work too hard or too long at this
process, because even doing something with the best intentions can backfire, if you don't keep in
touch this way.
Communication is simply love in action where its presence can be known because it is
experienced. on8communication is love in hibernation and many marriages go cold because of
it.
COMPLAITS OF ME.
1. Women are always trying to change us rather than accept who we are. George Presley, a race
car driver, at age 43 said, "Women get pretty turned on by the fact that I am a professional race
car driver, but as soon as they start to feel comfortable in a relationship with me, they want me
to quit what I've been doing all my life. This has happened so consistently that I feel it's no
accident. I don't know why women get so involved with me and then immediately want to
change all the rules."
A high percentage of men feel this way, and Don Juan said,

A tigress robb'd of young, a lioness,
or any interesting beast of prey,
are similes at hand for the distress
of ladies who cannot have their own way.
COFLICT
Bob Harrington, the well8known chaplain of Bourbon Street, was once asked by a lady, "You are
always so happy. Don't you have any problems?" He responded,"Of course I do8I'm married."
Conflict of some sort is almost inevitable in marriage. Two people who share so much of life
together will come into some conflict because they cannot be one hundred percent compatible. If
two people agree on everything one of them isn't necessary.
Conflict can be costly, however, and should be avoided a much as possible. The idea that you
can just kiss and make up is true, but if you have said hurtful things their could be scars that last
and damage your relationship. Quarreling is harmful and is often useless or worse.
COFLICT I MARRIAGE
Areas of conflict in Marriage:
1. Money2. In8Laws3. Sex4. Children5. Religion8ultimate values
6. Recreation7. Drinking8. Laziness9. Irresponsibility10. Infidelity (unfaithfulness)
Basic causes of conflict:
1. Lack of emotional maturity2. Former experiences which prevent wholeness of personality.
Insecurities, inferiorities4. Ill health5. Varying value structures
Resources for solving marital conflict:
1. Achieve basic harmony prior to marriage2. Talk over problems; communicate3. Keep
growing, find new areas of mutual interest4. Go more than half8way in keeping agreements5.
Cultivate a sense of humor6. Maintain personal attractiveness7. Practice everyday courtesies8.
Seek professional help if necessary9. Accentuate the positive10. Pursue common goals together.
(p1 of 3
RULES TO FAIR FIGHTIG
1. Time discussions on sensitive issues.
2. Be specific about what is bothering you.
3. One issue at a time.
4. o past history; no stamp saving. 5. Be ready to listen as well as to talk.6. o third
parties.7. If anyone wins, everyone loses.
8. Don't walk out on an argument, either literally, verbally, oremotionally.
9. You can agree to disagree
88 press pace for more, use arrow keys to move, '?' for help, 'q' to quit.210. A relationship is only
as good as its communication.
From The Parenting Guidance Center
Five constructive ways to handle marital conflict:
1. Establish the issue.
2. Stick to the point.
3. Be willing to compromise
4. Try to understand the other's point of view.
5. Be careful of the other's feelings.
Philosophy: "We are on the same team." " I'm beginning to see what youmean." "I want you
to be happy, fulfilled, understood."
Five Destructive ways to handle marital conflict:
3
1. Just angry 8 do not know real issue.
2. Get sidetracked on other issues 8 (kitchen sink)3. Be unwilling to compromise.
4. ot able to see others's view point.
5. Hurt the other's feelings
Philosophy: "I won that one." "He/She can't tell me what to do." "Twocan play that game.!"

CRISIS
ESSETIALS OF A GREAT MARRIAGE
Sacrificial Love
How on earth can anyone give selflessly?
By Jim and Sally Conway
Marriage is a unique relationship that places special demands on us. To
maintain a healthy partnership, a couple must adhere to certain biblical
imperatives, including sexual fidelity, mutual respect, lifelong commitment
and sacrificial love. This is the third in a series of articles that
highlight these "bottom8line essentials"88the foundation on which lasting
marriages are built.
My worst nightmare became a grim reality a few years ago when I discovered a
lump in my breast. I tried to quiet my fears with the hope that it was
nothing more than a benign cyst. But deep inside, Jim and I knew it might be
much worse.
A doctor's examination and further tests confirmed our deepest fears: I had
breast cancer. Along with the diagnosis came the unavoidable questions. What
would this mean for my long8term health? Would I be able to continue my role
in the counseling and speaking ministry Jim and I shared? And the hardest
question of all: Would Jim end up spending the rest of his life without me?
either of us wanted to believe cancer might put an end to our shared
ministry, much less our life together. We had already overcome daunting
problems that could easily have torn our marriage apart. Years earlier, I had
stood by Jim as he struggled with mid8life issues that pushed him to the
verge of giving up his ministry, deserting me and our daughters and striking
off on his own. It seemed he was being dragged away from me by a force
neither of us could comprehend. But I made sure he knew he could trust me to
stand by him, even when his immediate urge was to leave.
Both of us were suffering, and neither of us really understood what was
happening, or why. As Jim explained later, "My dark outlook on life was
showing no signs of improvement, and Sally had no way of knowing if I'd come
out of this as a committed husband or a deserter. But she showed sacrificial
love by refusing to judge me and by patiently listening as I rambled on about
my fears and uncertainties. She let me know she'd be there for me no matter
how much rage or doubt or despair I expressed. Sally was a rock of strength
and encouragement."
Jim told me that my love enabled him to work through his mid8life crisis
while remaining a faithful husband. And years later, as I struggled with
cancer, he was there to bear me up. This time I was the weak one, and I
desperately needed Jim's strength. But neither of us could anticipate the
ordeal we were about to endure.
Weakness and Strength
After my mastectomy, I began receiving chemotherapy to stop the spread of any
remaining cancer cells. I knew I'd lose my strength, my hair and my appetite,

but neither of us was prepared for the infection that developed in my
incision scar. The infection created a large, gaping hole in my chest, which
needed to be drained and dressed with clean bandages once a day. Every day
for ten months, Jim cleansed that ugly cavity and put on fresh bandages.
Beyond that, he had to wait on me because many times I was too weak even to
get my own drink of water. He also took over my ministry duties and all of
the household work. I told him how embarrassed I felt that he had to do so
much, but he simply replied, "I'm here to serve you."
As he bent over me to tenderly dress my wound, I could see the puffiness
under his eyes and the deep wrinkles down his cheeks. Lack of sleep, combined
with worry and concern over my welfare, was taking its toll. But the dark
circles and lines in Jim's face were beautiful to me because they advertised
the sacrificial love8gifts he was giving me.
Many couples will never have to contend with cancer, but every marriage will
be challenged in its own way. And even during the times when life is easy, we
need to serve each other with sacrificial love. That means giving up some of
your personal desires and preferences on a day8to8day basis in order to serve
your spouse.
Over the years, Jim's servant attitude has come through again and again. He
shared in the parenting of our three daughters in an era when that wasn't
what most fathers did. He was great about helping with the housework, and he
encouraged me to go back to school to finish my bachelor's degree and then
obtain a master's degree. Jim's serving attitude made it possible for me to
have a career in teaching, writing and conference speaking. He shares in
shopping for groceries and doing laundry, and he does as much of the meal
preparation and cleanup as I do.
God requires us to love our spouses sacrificially, but he never said it
would come easily or without personal cost. Most humbling to me are the times
Jim puts my wants and wishes ahead of his own. I can tell when something is
not his first preference, but he often graciously does it to meet my needs.
That strengthens our marriage, and it makes me look for ways to serve him.
But too many couples fail to discover the benefits of serving each other,
and their marriages suffer as a result.
The Secrets of Sacrifice
"I'm tired of giving and giving and never receiving anything in return. If
things don't change, I'm just going to take care of my own needs." We often
hear this complaint when we counsel couples in troubled marriages. o one
likes to feel they are being taken advantage of. And when you're struggling
just to keep your own head above water, it's tempting to believe you can't do
more to help your mate. But couples who adopt the "every man for himself"
approach end up feeling like married strangers.
We're commanded to love each other with the love of Christ. And that often
means sacrificing personal comfort or convenience to help ease your mate's
burden. It takes work, but by keeping a few suggestions in mind, any couple
can develop a mutual, self8sacrificing love.
*Realize that no one is too good to be a servant.
Instead, follow the example of Christ, who served others without feeling the
service was "beneath him." He is the Creator and Lord of the universe, but

Jesus had the humility to kneel down and wash the dirty feet of those who
should have been washing his feet!
*Don't expect blessings in return for your acts of kindness.
Of course, the goal is to develop mutual sacrificial love, in which both
spouses are serving each other. But it often takes time to reach that point.
Our friend Marilyn has served her husband for more than 30 years. Despite
his bouts of alcoholism, infidelity and cynicism, she kept on serving him. He
finally came to faith in Christ, achieved sobriety and began showing
tenderness toward her. We believe his turnaround was due, in large measure,
to Marilyn's commitment to keep loving her husband without ever saying, "Hey,
when is it my turn to be served?"
*Cultivate an attitude of service.
We know a woman who serves her husband, but she hasn't developed the attitude
of service. She does all the household tasks88cooking, cleaning, laundry,
yard work, shopping and other errands88because her husband's heart condition
keeps him from helping. She grumbles about all that she has to do, because
she wants him to recognize the great sacrifice she is making. However, she
fusses and complains so loudly that she destroys any "credit for sacrificing"
that should be due her.
*Remember when you serve your mate, you are also serving God.
It's easier to serve if you envision your loving Lord rather than your flawed
spouse. If you feel you are having to go too far beyond the call of duty,
just picture doing it for Jesus. The imposition then becomes an honor!
*Accentuate the positives when thinking of your spouse.
If you focus on your mate's strong points, you'll find much to honor and more
reasons to serve.
Shortly after we were married, I started picking on Jim's grammar. I had
been an English major, and he had to be tutored in English to make it through
graduate school. Consequently, I had a terrible disrespect for him and
nit8picked his every lapse in writing or speaking.
Finally, God got the message to me: "Why don't you appreciate Jim's
spiritual maturity, his sensitivity to people's needs, his sense of humor and
creative ideas? Why not admire his good qualities instead of picking at his
weak grammar skills?"
I took it to heart, and suddenly found I was married to a wonderful man with
many great talents!
*Show appreciation when your spouse serves you.
Even if it is only an imperfect, incomplete attempt, you can affirm the
intention or some small part of the action. Evelyn was serving her husband,
Bill, but her efforts were missing the mark. She thought providing delicious
meals, a tidy house, clean laundry and occasional sex was all he needed. But
Bill wished she would meet his real needs. He wanted her to respect his
ideas, accept the way he did things and be patient when he hesitatingly tried
to talk about serious matters in his life.
When he told us about their problems, we suggested he look for times when
Evelyn did show that she respected or accepted him, even in the slightest
way. Then he should affirm her for what she did or said, even if it wasn't
all that he wanted. He told us later, "You know, Evelyn seems to be trying

harder to please me where I really need it." She simply needed clues about
how to do a better job of serving her husband.
*Look for examples of mutual sacrificial love in other couples.
As you study their ways, you can incorporate the same caring for your mate as
you see in them. One of the couples who have been models for us are about 15
years older than we are. Whenever we were in their home or they were guests
in ours, we noticed how much Stan helped in the kitchen and how respectful he
was as he spoke to, or about, Jean. She, in turn, was completely devoted to
Stan and let everyone know how much she admired him. Their example of
affirming each other has steered our marriage through the years.
*If you blow it, try again.
Practice won't make you perfect, but it will help establish a good habit. We
are always encouraged by this reminder: "ot that I have already ... been
made perfect, but I press on ... One thing I do: Forgetting what is behind
and straining toward what is ahead, I press on ... (Phil. 3:12814).
I've been guilty at times of blurting out my quick8fix solutions, rather
than hearing Jim out. Here I am, a person who preaches to others about the
elements of good communication, but sometimes I rush in and violate all the
principles of good listening. Instead of giving up on myself, I ask God and
Jim to forgive me again and then I start over.
Early in our marriage we determined to practice the model of Jesus by
serving each other. Sacrificial love is an exercise in giving and receiving.
If both spouses are doing their best to meet their mate's needs, each one
will find that his or her own needs are also being met. That's the secret of
sacrificial love.
********
Jim and Sally Conway have been married 40 years. They are founders of
Mid8Life Dimensions, based in Fullerton, California, and have authored
numerous books on mid8life crisis, marriage and personal development.
Copyright (c) 1995 by Christianity Today, Inc./MARRIAGE PARTERSHIP magazine.
CRITICISM
1. Constant criticism and fault finding of your spouse will
make them "want to get even" and believe me, they'll find
ways to criticize you. If "something comes up"88learn to
forgive your spouse, because sooner or later88sooner I can
tell you, YOU'LL be in a position to ask forgiveness.
Practical Psychology Magazine (p1 of 5
[IMAGE]
TRASFORMIG YOUR RELATIOSHIPS
Sheldon Z. Kramer, Ph.D.
Beginning Steps
Being in a relationship is the most challenging task you will attemptin your life. It takes a lot of
work, perseverance, commitment, andopenness. In the debut article of this column, I will show
you basicideas to begin your relationship journey.

Look at Yourself. To change relationships you need to return to astate of balance. The first
step is taking responsibility for changingyour own reactions, rather than focusing on your
partner's weaknesses.You can't change your partner without changing yourself first.
Your partner may have many difficulties that turn you off. Allrelationships have problems.
However, to change your relationship, youneed to be completely honest with yourself about your
OW relational
triggers.
For example, if someone is critical and blaming, and your response isto be critical back, the
exchange could spiral off into an argument.Stop! Look at yourself here. ot at your partner. Are
YOU overlycritical? Is being critical your main style of reacting to criticism?This could be the your
beginning step toward self exploration andchange. If the answer is yes, to change your own
reactivity, it ishelpful to cultivate emotional qualities that counterbalance yourtendency to be
critical.Make a list of emotional qualities to counterbalance your tendency tobe criical in response
to someone's criticism of you. To get youstarted, here are some possibilities:
receptivity openness
tolerance
patienceIf one of these qualities fits for you, a beginning step is topracticing it. If your partner
becomes critical, and you find yourselfbeginning to react, STOP.
Here are the steps:
[IMAGE] Take some deep breaths. This will help calm your nervoussystem.
[IMAGE] In your mind, say the qualityyou are trying to embrace(tolerance) over and over
again.
4[IMAGE] Practice being tolerant by getting an image in your mind's eyeof someone you know or
admire who is tolerant. Make sure your facialand bodily reactions match the picture in your
head.[IMAGE] Say something that expresses tolerance. For example, "I hearyou", "I'm listening"
or "I want to understand what you're saying."
Working on yourself has the ability to transform not only yourself,but your partner too. In fact,
don't be surprised if your closeintimate acts nicer toward you as you begin to balance yourself.
Author Sheldon Z. Kramer, Ph.D. is a licensed Clinical Psychologist,Assistant Clinical Instructor
of Psychiatry at UCSD Medical School,and Director of the Institute for Transformations. He is
author ofTransformingThe Inner and Outer Family: Humanistic and SpiritualApproaches To
Mind/Body Systems Therapy, available through theBookshelf Catalog.
Sheldon Z. Kramer, Ph.D.5Self8Help Home Page Copyright © 1995 by Self8Help Psychology
Magazine. All rightsreserved.
D
DEATH
1. Paul Pearsall in Super Joy wrote, "Just as sex therapists thought that talking sex somehow
made us sexually healthier, psychology seems to think that being able to talk about dying makes
us more ready for death. Unless we find meaning for the human experience in a larger, more
infinite context, there can be no super joy. The questions we ask as children, including "Where
do we go when we die?" and "What happens to who we were?" are the key questions for adults,
and we fool ourselves if we think that the stoic acceptance of our passing will ever be acceptable
to the human psyche. Your super joy quotient is much higher if you can explain with hope and
even peacefulness what happens to you when you die.
2. Paul Pearsall in Super Joy wrote, "I went to this death and dying program. Everybody said
you had to confront your own death, yur own mortality. We even wrote our own obituaries and
gave eulogies for each other. I guess we have to face up to death, but I can tell you that
sometimes I would just as soon forget the whole idea and let it surprise me. 88888358
year8old woman
DEPRESSIO
1. Gary Smalley wrote, General Symptoms of Depression
1. Sadness 9. Loss of appetite and weight
2. Hoplessness 10. Vague physical complaints

3. Loss of humor 11. Sense of personal loss
4. Premature awakening (death of a close relative,
5. Early morning awakening loss of job, etc.)
6. Insomnia 12. Poor concentration and
7. Feeling better as the day memory.
8. Loss of sexual interest 13. Deep sighing or moaning
DETERMIATIO
1. An Irishman was seeing his son off on the streamer to a new land where the lad was to seek
his fortune. "ow, Michael, my boy," he said, as they parted, "remember the three bones and
ye'll always get along all right."
A stranger standing nearby overheard the remark and asked what three bones he referred to.
"Sure, now," said the Irishman,"and wouldn't it be the wishbone, the jawbone, and the
backbone? It's the wishbone that keeps you going after things, and it's the jawbone that helps
you find out how to go after them if you're not too proud to ask a question when there's
something you don't know; and its' the backbone keeps you at it till you get there."
2.
DIFFERET
1. Men and women have very different ideas on how evening should be spent. Men tend to feel
they have earned the right to come home to their castle, draw up the drawbridge, and let the
alligators swim in the moat. Having done battle all day, they wish to retreat and do something in
which no additonal demands are placed upon them88read the newspaper, putter around in the
garage, or sit in a stupor and watch some mindless TV program.
Women, even those with their own careers, like to take time to share from their day's work,
to get emotionally close to their husbands. But men hear their wives' plea for converstion as an
additional demand, and often they further withdraw into silence, leaning their wives feeling
isolated and unappreciated. A vicious circle begins. The more hubby withdraws into silence, the
more the wife escalates her demands to share and confide. And the more she demands, the
less he says.
2.
DIFFERECES.
1. Gerturde Stern said, "Disillusionment in living is finding that no one can really
ever be agreeing with you." When you marry you think you will always be at
100% in agreement, but the fact is nobody is completely compatible with anyone
else. Each of us is unique and that means we cannot be exactly alike. Differences
can lead to conflict but they can also lead to wiser perpective.
2. Phyllis Diller complained of the doors in fancy resturants restrooms not being
marked men and women. She was at a Mexican place where they had Cabollaros
and Senoritas, and she got by. In a Medieval resturant they had Lords and
Wenches. In a Lamb specialty place it was Rams and Ewes, but she felt
stranded in a fish place where they had Fluke or Flounder.
3. In mid8life the wife wants88
Security
Depth relation
Verbal appreciation
More affection
The husband wants88
The status quo
To take more risk
Tends to be less appreciative
Wants better sex
4. The female tends to go by the heart beat and the male by the brain wave.
5. Henri Ameil, a Swiss professor of asthetics and moral phil. wrote in his
journel of March 17, 1868, "Women wish to be loved without a why or a
wherefore; not because they are pretty, or good, or well bred, or graceful,
or intelligent, but because they are themselves. All analysis seems to them

to imply a lose of consideration, a subordination of their personality to some8
thing which dominates it and measures it."
6. "I am about to volunteer a difinition of marriage. Just as I know that there are two Hagens,
Walters and Copen, I know that marriage is a legal and religious alliance entered into by a man
who can't sleep with the window shut and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.
Also he can't sleep until he has read the last hundre pages to find out whether his suspicions
of the murdered eccestric recluse's avaricious sectreary were right.
And she can't sleep until he puts out the light.
Which when he finally does she is still awake and turns on hers, and if he thinks she's going
to turn it off before she fins out whether Janis marries the shy young clergyman or the
sophisticiated pole player, he errs.
Moreover just as I am unsure of the difference between flora and funa and flotsam and
jetsam. I am quite sure that marriage is te alliance of two people was of whom never
remembers birthdays and the other never forgets. And the one refuses to believe there is a leak
in the water pipe or the gas is about to asphziatre or drown.
And the othre says quick get up and get my hair brushes off the window sill, it's raining in,
and the one replies oh they're alright, it's only rainging straight down.
That is why marriage is so much more interesting than divorce.
Because it's the only known example of the happy meeting of the immovable object and the
irresistable force.
So I hope husbands and wives will continue to debate and combat over everything debatable
and combatable.
Because I beleive a little incompatiblity is the spice of life, particularly if he has income and
she is pattable.
7. Differences do attract, but they also lead to attack. We need to learn to see the value side of being
different. Since it is a long way off before people can be married to their clone we need to learn to
live with differences. W. H. Auden said, "The awareness of sameness is friendship; they awareness of
difference is love." Peterson in 1983 identified three kinds of difference:
1. Specific behavior88he leaves the toilet seat up, and she leaves glasses on
the furniture.
2. Classes of behavior: orm's are the expectations for the way things
ought to be. Men ought to take the garbage out. Women ought to do
the dishes.
3. Personal disposition88he may be a morning person who leaps out of bed
cheerful and she may be a gouch until she gets her coffee.
8. All people are different, even identical twins. We all have different requirements for food,
sleep, exercise, etc. We have different metabolism and emotional reactions. The point is no two
people will ever feel the same or think the same one anything. It is not legitimate to say if you
love me you would feel the same as I do. This is harmful for it robs the other of their
indivduality.
9. Joe Tanenbaum in Male and Female Realities writes, "For example, men don't hear smell,
perceive color or temperature variations as well as women do. Consequently, a man's failure to
be bothered by the noises, ordors, clasihing hues or errant drafts that send women up a wall isn't
because he is ignoring or belitting her feelings. Physically, he might not even be aware those
annoyances are there, Tanenbaum says.
10. We each see differently, and all of our senses may respond in a different way.
Some mates can smell food burning at the other end of the house while the other smells nothing
at all. One can hear noise that is disturbing and the other hears nothing and is at peace. We
need to understand these differences and be able to accept them to avoid conflict.
11. The quiet one selects a talkative spouse. The happy8go8lucky skylark is drawn to the
schedul8minded mate. One half of a pair will become a permissive parnet and the other a
nonpermissive disciplinarian. Often the frugal marry the extravagant. The alwyas8on8time is
yoked to the never8on8time. The caustious, deliberate one is tied to the carefree plunger. One
partner will act before thining; the other will think so long that he or she fails to act at all.
Couples are often alike in ideals and goals, but their temperments not merely differ but are often
diametricakkt opposed to each other.
It is easy to see God's wisdom in this plan. If the happy8go8lucky always married the happy8
go8lucky couldn't8care8less, and if the quiet introvert married a smiliar mate, their children would

be doubly predisposed in those directions and their children in turn would be quadruply so. Thus
the race would go out of balance with unbalanced temperments running amok. So God has
planned for opposities to attract each other in order to keep his race in balance. This is fine for
God, but it is rough on us! Thus we find ourselves attracted to , in love with, and finally married
to someone of precisely opposite ways of reacting to life.
12. Judson J. Swihart in Communicating in Marriage wrote, "Shortly after my wife, ancy, and I
were married, we went shopping. She looked at many household accessories and said, "You
know, I really like that lamp. I really like that picture. I really like that chair...." Shopping
became very frustrating to me. We certainly could not afford all those things88why was she
placing all these demands on our family finances?
As we talked about this, I explained that in my family going into a store and saying, "I like
that item" meant that it was to be purchased. However, ancy's family would often go into
stores just to window8shop. To say, "I like that," simply expressed an appreciation for it, not a
desire to purchase it. In time we found many areas in which we did not understand each other
because we came from different backgrounds.
A second impediment to clarity occurs when hinting has not been understood. For example,
a wife wishes that her husband would take her out to dinner more often. Asked if she has ever
communicated this to her husband, she replies, "Well, no, but I think he should know that."
Even though she may have dropped little hints along the way, she has not clearly expressed her
desire.
13. I wonder if he loves me?
I really cannot tell,
These men are so deceitful
And play their part so well!
He says that he's been constant
Since he in love did fall,
But then I am quite fearful
He says the same to all.
He says my eyes are brighter
Than stars which shine on high,
And tells me that the roses
With my cheeks cannot vie;
He says that all might envy
My tresses' golden hue,
And quotes from all the poets
To prove his love is true.
Whene'er I hear his footstep,
My heart is full of joy;
But then it is the fashion
For ladies to be coy;
And so I shall not tell him
That I his love return;
I think it is much better
To let him live and learn.
14. Kenneth Chafin wrote, "In the fall after our marriage the previous summer, Barbara bought
a small half of ham. With budget on which we were surviving then, "half a ham" was a luxury.
She baked it and we had one of those nice sunday8type dinners. Then we made some ham
sandwiches. Later we sizzled little slivers of it with breakfast. Finally there was nothing left of
that ham but the bone. I had a suggestion.
"Barbara," I said, "do you know what my mother would do with a bone like that?" That's
probably not the most diplomatically worded question a groom ever asked his bride.
"o, What would your mother do with this bone?" she asked.
"My mother would cook it all day in a big pot of beans and would make a big pan of
cornbread to go with it."
"That's exactly what my mother would do." Barbara exclaimed. So plans were made for us to
have hambone and beans with cornbread the next night for supper. I could hardly wait.

The next morning as I left for school I reminded her not to forget the beans. She assured
me that it was the first thing on her agenda after I left. All day long I could just imagine what
our little apartment must smell like with the aroma of those beans simmering on the stove.
When I walked into our apartment that night I knew something had gone wrong. It didn't
smell right. I marched to the stove, lifted the lid on the bean pot, and was horrified at what I
saw.
Sensing that I wasn't too happy, Barbara asked what was wrong. A little too much of my
disappointment made its way into my voice as I almost shouted, "Where I'm from when they say
beans they mean pinto beans." By now she was angry and hurt, and a bit confused at my
reaction. So her reply matched mine in volume and sting. "Where I come from, she shouted,
"when they say beans they mean green beans."
It only took a minute for both of us to realize how ridiculous we sounded. So we sat down
and laughted about the breakdown in communication between a person reared in Georgia and
one reared in Oklahoma. Those differing countures had to be taken into consideration when we
were trying to communicate.
15. On a more serious level, long8married couples accept the knowledge that there are some
deep8seated conflicts88about personality differences, habits, styles of dealing with things88that will
never be solved. In the best of situations, they stop fighting about those issues and go about
thier lives instead of wasting their energies on a constant, fruitless struggle to settle differences
"once and for all." ot long ago, at a time when marriage was under perpetual attack, this very
quality of marraige, its imperfectablity was at the crux of the arguments against it. People spoke
of marriage as a form of "settling' for something less than ideal, as "compromising" with what
one wanted from life. Yet this ability to live with the imperfect is, it seems to me, the essence of
maturity. Mature peopel are able to accept the limitations life places on them and work around
them. And in the"working aournd," in finding ways to live with difficulties, they may experience
some of the most creative moments of living.
Couples who get pleasure from their marriage often say that they do so because they focus
on the strengths of the marriage, not its weaknesses, on compatibilities rather than dissonances.
With that outlook they are able to enhance what is good so that it becomes the core of the
marriage while the negatives cling only to the periphery.
16. Let's look at what women like about the differences in men and what men like about the
differences in women.
A. Wives like about husbands:
1. Stength to open the pickles and other chores hard for the female.
2.
B. Husbands like about wives:
1. Tenderness, and there more delicate and soft nature.
2.
C. What wives do not like in husbands:
1. Will not share feelings.
2. He leaves the stool seat up and hair in the sink.
3. He compares me to his mother.
D. What men do not like about wives:
1. Too much expression of feeling.
2. Gripping about the stool seat up and hair in the sink.
3. She compares me to her father.
16. James Dobson writes, "My wife Shirley and I have been blessed with a wonderful
relationship. She is literally my best friend, and I would rather spend an evening with her than
anyone on earth. But we are also unique individuals and have struggled at times with our
differences. Our most serious conflict has raged now for 27 years with no solution in sight. The
problem is that we operate on entirely difference internal heating mechanisms. I am very hot
blooded and prefer a Siberian climate if given a choice. Shirley has ice in her veins and even
shivers in the California sunshine. She has concluded that if we can have only one flesh between
us, she's going to make it sweat! She will slip over to the thermostat at home and spin the dial
to at least eighty8five degrees. All the bacteria in the house jump for joy and begin reproducing
like crazy. In a few minutes I am starting to glow and began throwing open doors and windows
to get relief. That ridiuclous tug8of8war has been going on since our homeymoon and will
cntinue till death do us part."

"Briefly stated, love is linked to self8esteem in women. For a man, romantic experiences with
his wife are warm and enjoyable and memorable8but not necessary. For a women, they are her
life blood. Her confidence, her sexual response and her zest for living are often related to those
tender moments when she feel s deeply loved and appreciated by her man."
17. Dr. Ayola wrote, "Women do not necessarily have higher expectations of romantic love than
do men. Women do, however, seem to attach their expectations or romantic love to marriage
more than men do. For most women88because of the way they have been socialized88finding
true love in marriage means security, companionship, and happiness everafter. My research
findings reveal that women describe their marraiges as a more significant part of their lives, and
as more important than work. Womenalso report expressing themselves more in their marriages
than men do. Men, on the other hand888because of the way they have been socialized88view
marriage as a trap. The research findings show that one of the few negative emotional
experiences men report more frequently than women is feeling trapped.
When women make marriages so important, it is that much easier for them to burn out. Men,
who see thier wives and families as important to their life but not central to it, find themselves
less disappointed in marriage.
18. Dr. Ayola wrote," Theodor Reik observed in The eed to Be Loved that people fall in love for
selfish reasons. They sense something lacking in themselves and seek the missing qulaity (or
qualities) in a mate. Thus, a compulsively logical man will be attracted to an excessively
emotional woman. Each supplies part of the qualities needed for a complete joint personality,
and each benefits from the part provided by the other. According to Robert Winch's theory of
complementary needs, love is the experience of two people jointly deriving maximum gratification
for important psychological needs yet doing so with the minimum of pain.
19. Some like it cold, some like it hot.
Some freexe while other smother.
And by some fiendish, fatal plot
They marry one another.
20. Ogden ash wrote, "Just as I know there are two Hagens, Walter and Copen, I know that
marriag is a legal and religious alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window
shut and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.
Also he can't sleep until he has read the last hundred pages to find out whether his suspicions
of the murdered eccentric recluse's avaicious secretary were right.
Moreover, just as I am unsure of the difference between flora and fauna, and flotsam and
jetsam.
I am quite sure that marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers
birthdays and other never forgetsam,
And the one refuses to believe there is a leak in the water pipe or the gas pipe, and the other is
convinced she is about to asphyxiate or drown.
And the other says, "Quick, get up and get my hairbrushes off the window sill: it's raining in,"
and the other one replies, "Oh, they're all right; it's only raining straight down."
That is why marriage is so much more interesting than divorce, Because its the only known
example of hte happy meeting of the immovable object and the irresistible force.
So I hope husbands and wives will continue to debate and combat over everything debatable
and combatable.
Because I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, particuarly if he has income and
she is pattable.
DIVORCE
1. Luther so despised divorce that he favored bigamy over it and counseled Philip of Hesse to
take a second wife rather than to reject the first. He did allow for extended desertion as a
second reason for divorce. His co8worker Phillipp Melanchthon and many other early reformers
extended this even further to include physical brutality and attempted murder as grounds for
divorce.
2. Reasons for granting one.
1. Adultery
2. Cruelty
3. Disertion
4. Incest

5. Unbeliever walks away from it.
6. Imprisonment or institutionalized
7.
3. Joyce Landorf in Tough and Tender wrote, "Marriages that have already gone under tear at
my soul. Their tragedy can never be totally comprehended. However, the marriages that really
get to the inner core of me and punch my heart into a flat, lifeless blob are the marriages that
stay together in name and residence only. This type of marriag eis one that lives on as an
emotional divorce. It's a marraige where two people do not legally split but emotionally have
nothing going for them; they live ina world void of love or understanding (as do the children of
such a marriage.)
The statistics can never be fully tabulated, but it is estimated by psychologists and marraige
counselors that 75 percent of the couples in our country today live with emotional divorce.
Because so many of this percentage are goo Christian marraiges, I am convinced that they live
not only with an emotional divorce but with a spiritual one as well.
4. Willard Harley writes, "People who tire of the ridicule sometimes divorce each other and end
the misery. Those who feel divorce is not a choice open to them run the risk of storing ever
greater Love Bank deficits. I've reviewed cases of murder and attempted murder involving
people who do not believe in divorce.
5. Ed Wheat in The First Years of Forever 1988 wrote, "Said one young woman. "I thought
marriage to my guy would bring automatic happiness with it; I expected it to settle him down
and take away all my insecurities. I guess I assumed marriage was some kind of a miracle
drug."
Another agreed, "Even though our friends were already getting divorces, we just knew we
would be different. We counted on being in love. We thought that would keep us together and
make all our dreams come true. But it wasn't enough."
An ex8husband said bitterly, "I wish I'd known some of this sooner, I can look back now and
see that our divorce was unnecessary. But we didn't even know enough to know what we didn't
know. By the time we tried to get help, it was too late."
Unfortunately, these stories are all too common. Among the disturbing marriage/divorce
statistics, here are two that you need to think about. Researchers report that nearly half of all
serious marital problems develop in the first two years of marriage. Yet, on the average, couples
who seek counseling for the first time have already been married seven years.
Many divorces can be attributed to this five8year counseling gap88a time when the
relationship deteriorates, but warning signals are ignorred. Usually the couple doesn't seek help
until one partner resorts to a drastic move, such as leaving home or having an affair.
DIVORCE
The greater the opportunity to meet other potential mates, the greater the likelihood of a
divorce. That is why the high divorce rate among actors and doctors.
DOIG
1. "When I get there, mom, I weel read the Ten Commandments aloud."
"Sandy, I can tell you something better."
"Better, dominee?" gasped the astounded Scotsman.
"Indeed, Sandy, and simple and 888real thrifty."
"Thrigty?" Sandy caught at this. "And what be that?"
"Just stay right here at home, Sandy, and keep them."
DRIFTIG
1. The real enemy is drifting. It is so quiet and unnoticable. There are no alarms that go off to
warn us that we are slowly drifting apart. It is so gradual that people do not realize how far
apart they are until it is to late. It is so dangerous because all can appear to be normal. We
have grown so accustomed to they way things are we are content. The drifting marriage is the
one most likely to lead to an affair. In a non8drifting marriage mates face the same temptations
but they have to much emotional life in their relationship to jeopardise it.

E
EATIG
1. One of the most popular text today is, "Let us eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet."
You no doubt heard of the professors at the university on the West coast who have gone on a
diet to compete for the no belly award. I read of a priest who combining religious and health
principles was able to get the cannibles on his island to give up eating people on friday.
2. Twas in a resturant they met
Brave Romeo and Juliet.
He had no dough to pay his debt,
So Romeo'd what Juli'et.
3.
EMOTIOAL
1. Each partner has the right to express what he or she feels or thinks.
Each partner has the right to tell the truth.
Each partner has teh right to be trusted and believed.
Each partner has the right to be listened to and be understood.
Each partner has the right to admit weakness without being ridiculed.
Each partner has the right to express his or her needs and desires and to be
taken seriously.
Each partner has the right to be heard inthe context of the moment without being
reminded of the past.
Each partner has the right to grow.
Each partner has the right to seek help, friendship, and support.
Each partner has the right to be forgiven.
EMPATHY
1. Thousands of women are in love with men who won't change. They won't stop being
indifferent to their wives concerns. They think macho is where it is at. They are not there when
they are needed. They won't admit their mistakes. They take their wives for granted, and they
won't share their feelings. Because of these defects women get frustrated.
Dr. Dan Kiley writes about Faye's problem. Stan just does not bother to give any time to
thinking of her needs. She said, "I feel as if I could be lying in the street and he'd say, what's for
supper, hon?" Faye's Stan is typical man8so preoccupied with his ownlife there is little room to
deal with the needs of his life.
The problem is men lack empathy which all professional marriage counsellors agree is essential
for a successful relationship. It is the ability to feel what another feels, and to walk in their
moccasins and share in their experience. People low in empathy tend to be more selfish because
they can't really enter into a life of another. Dr. Kiley's studies show men do not ignore their
wives because they do not care, but because they lack empathy, and don't what to do. He
helped Faye understand that Stan does not have a brick for a brain, but simply needs empathy
exercises to develop his sensitivity to her.
He suggests you do not use feelings for men do not like to talk about feelings.
You talk about internal reactions. What was your internal reaction when that happened? This is
more of a logical and rational idea he can grasp. Here is the game: "I suggest you approach
him at a comfortable moment and say, I want to quiz myself on something and I need your help.
After assuring him that it will be fun for both of you, either ask him to describe an interesting
situation he encountered that day, or recall a situation from the recent past, and ask for his help
in describing it accurately. Then say, I want to see how close I can come to describing your
internal reaction that situation. When you describe his internal reaction, use a procedure I call
emotional analogies. That means you say, "I bet you felt like _____." Use your background and
interest in creating the appropriate analogy. .....You might say, "I bet you felt like a bowl of jelly
left out in the sun, or, I bet you felt like a child who got sand kicked in his face." Then ask your
man how close you were to the truth and encourage him to use an emotional analogy to clarify
the truth. Repeat this process two or three times.

EQUALITY
St Augustine lived in the fifth century, and he wrote, "If God meant woman to rule over man,
He would have taken her out of Adam's head. Had He designed her to be his slave, He would
have taken her out of his feet. But God took woman out of man's side, for He made her to be a
helpmate and an equal to him."
Dwight Small in his book, After You've Said I Do, writes, "There can be no true oneness
except as there is equal dignity and status for both partners. The wife who came from man's side
is to stand at his side, to share every responsibility and enjoy every privilege. This is the goal."
EQUALITY
1. The head and the body work together to get the will of the head done. Christ is the head of
the church and gets his will done through that body. The husband is the head of the home and
the wife the heart, and they are both essential to get things done right. The head cannot be the
whole,but needs the rest of the body and the heart or the wife to be complete. They are
mutually beneficial and each depends on the other.
The head is on top to be able to see the environment and thus be the protector of the body
from danger. It warns the body so it can escape danger. It is the source of guidance and the life8
saver. The husband is the protector of the wife and provides a safe environment. The head
smells, tastes, sees, and hears and all of these senses are to be monitored so as to give
protection and guidance for the body. Food is tested there to make sure it is safe for the body
etc.
2. Johnathan Edwards in a list of rules for a happy marriage makes this number 10:
"Let it never be known which of them is superior. Always divide and share your power."
3. Tennyson88Either sex alone
Is half itself, and in true marriage lies
or equal, nor unequal.
4. Augustine, 1500 years ago said, "If God meant woman to rule over man, he would have taken
her out of Adam's head. Had he designed her to be here slave he would have taken her out of
his feet. But God took woman out of man's side, for he made her a helpmate and an equal to
him."
5. Divorce is sometimes justified between a man and woman who have entered marriage with a
Christian commitment. As teh Quaker philosopher, Dr. D. Elton Trueblood, has said, "There are
situations in which it is right to advise divorce, not because divorce is good but because the
alternative is so bad."
6. Margaret Mead, the eminent anthropologist, wrote this a few years ago: "The most serious
aspect of the divorce rate is not so much the numbr of divorces as the expectation of divorce."
And she added that she was shocked to learn that many people enter marriage "with the idea
that it is terminable."
7. Each mate has an equal obligation to share in the blessings and the burdens of marriage. John
Berridge wrote,
In purest love their souls unite,
That they with Christian care,
May make domestic burdens light
By taking mutual share.
8. Research shows, and common sense knows, that the happiest marriages are those in which
there is an equla distribution of power. Equity makes a relationship more exciting and
stimulating. It helps keep boredom at bay, it keeps partners from taking each other for granted,
and, as studies show, it helps keep a couple's sexual relationship interesting. It's hard to feel
turned on by a tyrant, orpassionate toward a pushover. Besides, when power is equal, it's easier
for couples to achieve interdependence, a sense of reciprocal obligation, and ha healthy balance
between enlightened self8interest and concern for each other. Instead of expending too much
energy trying to get the upper hand, newlyweds would be better off to stop playing games and
get serious.
ESCAPSIM

1. The ostrich believes she is hidden from view
with her foolish head stuck in the ground.
For she thinks you can't see her when she
can't see you,
So the ostrich is easily found. 88881983 by Jack Prelutsky.
EXPECTATIOS
1. It doesn't make any difference who you marry, for when you marry you find out they are
somebody different.
2. Once expectations are shattered you try to blame the other for ruining the beautiful possiblity.
This sets the stage for playing who is winning this marriage.
The goal now is not to fulfill expectations but to justify ones anger for they not being fulfilled.
Lovers become adversaries and their relationship revolves around warfare. This is where the all
is fair in love and war comes in. Each feels justified in trying to make the other feel they are the
cause for the failure of the marriage.
3. Cecil Osborn in his book Ten Ways To Build A Better Marriage says number one is to
recognize no one person can meet all your needs. Mates who expect this are disappointed. The
first step to a better marriage is to give up the adolescent dream of a perfect marriage and learn
to accept imperfection.
4. In the musical I Do I Do these lines are repeated, "You can almost see that the future's
gonna be a dream come true. You can throw away your every care and doubt. That's what
married life is all about."
5. Gary Damarest writes, "To expect our marriage or our marriage partner to fulfill all of our
physcial and emotional needs for meaning and security places a load on the marriage that no
human relationship can bear. Again and again, couples experience disappointment and even
bitterness because one or the other does not live up to their wish dreams and expectations. It's
a source of freedom to me to know that my wife expects me to be her husband, not her
messiah!"
6. Common expectations that are often shattered are, time spent together, love coverings all
problems, bad habits not changing, wives not as good cooks as mom, husbands not the leaders
wives hoped they would be.
7. Many who set sail on the sea of matrimony soon wish they would have missed the boat. It is
because they have unrealistic expectations. The Christian has no business expecting anything in
this life will be perfect. It is a non8Biblical expectation that will lead to despair. Marriage is where
two people see each other at their worst as well as their best, and this calls for realism in
expectations.
8. Dorthy Parker in The ew Dictionary of Thoughts wrote, "By the time you swear you're his,
shivering and sighing, and he vows his passion is infinite, undying8lady, ;make a note of this: one
of you is lying."
9. Arlene Matthews in Why Did I Marry You, Anyway wrote, "Informal contracts, as we've seen,
are based more on unspoken expectations than on spoken ones, but, as marital therapist Clifford
Sager, the first to write extensively about the different levels of marital contracts, points out in
his book Marriage Contracts and Couples Therapy, they can also be based on unconscious
expectations. On a level outside our awareness, we may look to marriage to cure us to our
personal emotional problems, to provide us with anideal mother8or father8figure, or to right the
wrongs life has dealt us in the past. We can't help keeping such expectations secret from our
spouse, because they are also secrets we've kept from ourselves.
When Sandy Farrell married her husband, Jack, she had an unconscious expectation that did
not creep into her awareness till about six months into her marraige. "I think I believed on some
level that by marrying Jack, I would marry into a perfect family," Sandy said. "I was the only
child of a mother and father who divorced when I was young. I had a lonely childhood, going
back and forth between the two of them. Jack came from a big family that always seemed to hae
so much fun together. I thought they would mkae me forget about my own unhappy family life
and that finally, at twenty four years old, I would have what I'd always dreamed of.
"When I got to know his family better, I saw that they weren't perfect after all. I don't mean
they were bad people, I just mean they were normal people who sometimes argued or
complained about each othre and had their little rivalries.

F
FALLIG I LOVE
1. Dr. Ayola wrote, "Falling in love, whether it is love at first sight or a slowly developing
obsession, is the ideal stage against which the rest of the relationship is judged888most often
unfavorably. This is the stage that lovers want to preserve or go back to. A woman in her late
thirties describes it:
The night we met (we were both invited to a dinner party at a
mutual friend's house) I was so excited I couldn't sleep. I kept
going over every word he said, wondering whether he was ex8
periencing some of the excitement I was feeling. After we became
lovers I was happier than I had ever been before in my life. I felt
I was floating on air. I was so excited I couldn't eat. He occupied
my mind every single moment. I thought he was the smartest,
most handsome, most sexy man I had ever met. Life had an in8
credible intensity. Everything was painted in bright colors. Sex
was fantastic! I felt alive.
ow I notice all those little obnoxious things I was totally
unaware of before, like the way he eats, the way he talks, how
infantile he can be. He doesn't seem so good8looking to me any
more. I realize now that sex at the beginning had more to do with
my own infatuation than with his skill as a lover.
But oh, how I miss the excitement and the romance. I would
happily exchange all of my grown8up insights for the blindness and
passion I had before.
FAULTS OF HUSBAD
Husband's
Lack of
Genuine Love Amplified
URELIABLE Lets time slip by unnoticed.
UTRUSTIG Has an sttitude of superiority in finances.
AD Demands the control of all money. Won't
CODEMIG let his wife know abou their financial
status. Feels certain his wife would bank8
rupt him if she were given the chance.
AGRY In anger, over8reacts to children and
AD others. Doesn't like to be inconvenienced
DEMADIG by family. Sets standards too difficult for
children to meet.
ISESITIVE Uses hurtful words to others. Uses his
AD wife or others as his source of humor.
UKID
IATTETIVE Preoccupied with personal concerns.
AD Dismisses other's personal feelings as un8
THOUGHTLESS realistic or invalid88if he acknowledges
AD them at all. Family's reputation has been
UTRUST8 damaged by his lack of consideration for
WORTHY others.

UCARIG Doesn't seem to care about his family
AD needs. Seems to think the only obligation
IRRESPOSIBLE he has to the family is financial.
FAULTS OF WIFE
Wife's
Offensive
Habits Amplified
AGGIG Repeatedly reminds her husband about
things that need attention, with illustra8
tions of his past wrongs and forgetfulness.
IPULSE Spends money as though it were very eas8
SPEDER ily obtained. Seems irresponsible with
money when it comes into her posses8
sion. Uses credit cards without concern.
PERMISSIVE Makes excuses for children's disobedi8
WITH ence to husband and keeps secrets from
CHILDRE him about their conduct.
TOO Cries often and is easily hurt. Holds onto
EMOTIOAL hurts for a long time. Able to recall past
offenses in detail.
DOMIATIG Answers all questions, even those di8
rected to her husband. Makes the deci8
sions in the home and assumes responsi8
bility fo rdisciplining the children.
AGGIG Repeatedly reminds her husband about
things that need attention, with illustra8
tions of his past wrongs.5
FAULT FIDIG
1. "Did you see anything different in the dining room?" my wife asked . I had just returned
fomr an out8of8town engagement and had walked right through the dining room, sunny day and
Irma had given the dining room a spring cleaning.
"o," I replied.
She went with me into the room and pointed, "I polished the furniture, waxed the floor,
washed and ironed the curtains88don't you see any difference?"
My glance wandered to the windows?" She broke into tears, and I stood there mystified.
She had worked all day on that room, with two small children running in and out demanding
her attention. By late afternoon she was too tired to do any more. As soon as I had spoken I
was filled with shame. I realized that I had singled out the one thing she had not done, and had
failed to praise her for any of the good things she had done.
The incident made a deep impression on me in those early years of marriage. As I reflected
on it in the days that followed, I found out a few things about myself. When I was a small boy,
my father had scrutinized my work to find faults that he might correct. ow, I was walking in
my father's footsteps, seekingto find fault with my wife's housekeeping. Moreover, I recognized
in myself a desire to be top dog in my home. I realized that I was forming a habit of pushing
Irma down in an effort to pull myself up. It was a subtle way of playing the power game.
Then I also discovered something in my self that I did not like. I possessed a sadistic
pleasure in withholding approval and finding fault. I refusled to accept this truth for weeks. But
there it was. If there was nothing with which to find fault. I discovered I could use the weapon
of silence! I would rather find fault than praise.

FEELIGS
1. It is okey to feel how you feel and to share that you do. feelings just are. You may not like
how you feel but it is real that you do and honest that you say how you feel. The feeling may be
based on real or imagined basis. Discussion is to help determine which it is. Dialogue is sharing
the feelings and then discussion is to discover the why of them. Mates often leap into arguments
and do not first deal with dialogue and the sharing to get it straight just what is being felt.
John Powell says, "Dialogue is the simpole exchange of feelings without any attempt to
analyze, rationalize, or assign responsibility..." If you jump ahead to blame you seldom get a true
sharing of feelings. When you leave yourself nakes by the sharing of feelings you hope your mate
will clothe you with the garment of understanding.
2. Tracy Cabot wrote, "Some feelings men are easy to spot88they are sensitive and wear their
hearts on their sleeves. Others are well disguised as macho men. What is common to both of
these types, and to all feelings men, is that they are basically intuitive, and motivated largely by
their feelings.
For the woman who really understands her man, a feelings mate can be the easiest of all
men to get along with. Whether he's aware of it or not, on some deep level he understands your
reliance on the way an idea feels, he appreciates your intuition and your love.
This doesn't mean that your big, strong, silent type is really a wimp underneath; it simply
means he tends to decide important thigns in his life by how they make him feel, rather than by
how they look or sound. He will "go with his gut feel" for a situation, rather than try to analyze it
to death.
The feelings man who shows his sinsitivity and readily expresses his feelings, is the easiest of
men to communicate with. He is a man who cries easily, is emotional and sometimes easily
upset. He appreicates your sensitivity and love sit when you show your feelings.
You can often spot a feelings man by his priorities. Would he rather spend $1,000 on a new
mattress or a new stereo? The feelings man will pick the mattress. Would he prefer dressing in
formal clothes and going to a ball, or just hanging out in warm8ups? The feelings man always
prefers hanging around in warm8ups.
Another way to tell if your man is a feelings type is by the way he greets people. Does he
touch a lot? Does he hug and kiss? Or does he shake hands and talk at a distance? At a party,
doe he like to really settle in with one person., or is he more likely to want to meet a lot of
people? Feelings men like lots of intimate touching and one8on8one conversations. They enjoy
food and drink and love physical pleasures.
3. Tracy Cabot wrote, "Whether your feelings man verbalize his feelings or is the macho, silent
type, there's nothing hidden about his emotions.
He can hardly contain himself. WHen he's unhappy, a black cloud descends over eveyrthing.
When he's angry, he's liable to band on tables, storm around, slam doors, and throw things.
Fortunately, he is quick to make up after he cools off. When he's happy, his happiness brims
over and he wants to share it with everyone around him; his smile lights up the room and
nobody can resist him.
You never have to worry about whether your feelings man loves you or not. His feelings
show, even it he tries to cover them up. He looks at you and the love shows in his eyes. He
talks to you and you hear his love in his voice. He touches you all the time.
He may not always show it, but he worries about your feelings. He can sense when you're
happy and when you're not. He relates to emotions in a very real way. If you're sad , he feels
sad. If you're happy, he's happy.
The feelings man craves love and affection, lots of soft touches and physcial stimualtion. He
is highly attunded to his body and its relationship to others. He's senstive to the way you touch
him, or don't touch him, and to how you do or don't respond to his touch.
4. Tracy Cabot wrote, "How the feelings man looks is hardly important to him. As a matter of
fact, his favorite clothes are old, worn, and soft. He is oblivious to fashion and thinks being
comfortable is more important than anything else.
He has a whole list of fabrics that scratch and he won't wear and he wishes you wouldn't
wear them either. He doesn't like shiny things, flashy things or sequins. His favorites are soft
and furry, but angora makes him sneeze. He insists on washing eveyrthing three times before he
wears if, just to soften it up and make it feel like all his other clothes.

FIGHT
1. Usually long before they have children, and certainly after they do, most couples discover that
in some areas they don't get one. ot a constant negatively, but occasionally and around certain
issues in your life, an unmistakable energy buildup. This is usually an indicator of the need for a
fight. There may be couples who are exceptions to this rule, but we have never mew any! We
don't know anyone anywhere, in any relationship, who doesn't sometimes need to fight. We
suspect that if you don't fight with your partner at least occasionally, you are either too
frightened, or you enjoy misery, or just don't care.
Having started on a provocative subject in a provocative way, let us define our terms.
Fighting is the rapid, noisy, expulsion of feelings and information about difference. It stands out
from normal communication because of its intensity, and in its dual function, which is both to
break dwon barriers that have come about inadvertently between people, and to send through a
message that (because of these barriers) has not previously been heard. Often the message
itself is very positive. Even when the content is "You don't understand me, you're not taking
account of my needs," the reason you are saing these things is because you want there to be
understanding, and you think the relationship is worth fighting for. Sometimes you have to kick
someone's door open to hand them a flower!
2. RULES FOR FIGHTIG. Here are the best suggestions we have found so far, given to us by
our teachers Ken and Elizabeth Mellor:
1. STAY O THE GOAL. Remember what you are fighting for and about. Don't veer off into
last year....your mother....on our wedding day.....! Keep all fighting goal8directed88focused on
what it is you really want to resolve.
2. EVER BE ABUSIVE. This is central. Whenever you use a derogatory name or description
of another human being, you program them toward being what you describe. What you call
them, they progressively become. Abuse is verbal violence88it destroys personality.
You can be angry, expressive, andimpactful without ever being destructive. Stick to "I
feel_____when you_____," and make noise, elaborae, list and detail, but don't name8call. If you
reaction to this is "But I can't help it, it just comes out," our response is "you're lying." It's your
mouth, and you control what comes out of it.
3. STAY PRESET AD STAY TEMPORARY. Make all your statements in the here8and8now:
"Right now I feel like I never want to see you again!"; "Right now I hate you!" Remember how
children process fighting. The mkae these absolute, venhement statements, and moments later
are reconciled. Children know the secret. What you let out, passes.
4. HAVE TIME8OUT SIGALS. Sometimes the fight becomes too much88tiring, or scary, or
overwhelming, or practically ill8timed. Have a prearranged signal that either person can give
which calls an automatic halt. (One couple we know invented a "stop" hat, which was always on
the hall stand and either could go and put on. It sounds quaint, but it worked.) Stopping the
fight has interesting results. You are left hanging, certainly, but in the time that ensues you
begin to clarify what is just your own "junk," and waht real issues remain. You return to
continue the fight later if need be, but things will have subtly changed. Often, if you're honest,
you'll have noticed yourself losing th eheat of the hate and anger (day, while away at work for
the day,) but then struggling to revive it as you come home, as if you feel you can't let them off
that easy!
Feelings (inlike contracts and commitments) are fickle and inconsistent, do don't try to hold
them frozen. "I hate you/ I love you" is a very normal feeling between lovers.
5. DO SOMETHIG EJOYABLE MIDFIGHT. When you 've broken off from the struggle as
suggested in 4 above, find an activity that is normally enjoyable for you to do alone88anything
from going to a movie to eating a bar of chocolate to havingf a swim at the beach. It may be a
little hard to begin since you will not be "in a mood," but that's the whole point. Pleasurable
acitivity crossed over with your fighting feelings will help to more rapidly tease out the parts that
are over with, the parts that are your own issues and not your partner's and the parts you are
genuinely wanting to change in them.
6. DO'T COMPROMISE YOURSELF, BUT DO BE FLEX IBLE. Sometimes your feelings
change, and you can give and take. At other times, you will find that you must hold to your
views888not out of pride, but because to do otherwise would be untrue to yourself.
Compromising yourself always rebounds88you feel resentful, and are likely to save up your bad
feelings for an equalizer! Better to fight for a year about something that matters, and find true
acceptance and reconciliation at the end of it, than to fake it for an uneasy peace.

7. ACCEPT THE PRESET AD FORGET THE PAST. The past is over and cannot be
changed. You may need to tell your feelings about the past, once, but then move on to fixing
now. "You did that at Dad's funeral. You fussed about my tie tehn, and I hated that. It was the
last thing I needed."
"But you were...."
"I just want to tell you that wasn't what I needed!"
"Okay....How about now?"
"I'd like a hug...." Always return to the present. It's the only time that matters.
8. REMEMBER THAT THE AIM OF ALL FIGHTIG IS CLOSESS. Fighting in an
intimate
relationship is solely aimed at clearing the decks, removing rubbish that has cluttered the free
flow of energy and experience. Fighting right will leave only love when it is over.
The approach we take to fighting is a drmatic reversal of old assumptions held by many
people ("I couldn't help myslef"; "He made me do it"). Fighting is a choice you make, with a goal
of getting closer. It can be emtional, without being destructive. You can be angry, and still be
master of yourself.
9. The purpose of a fight is not to maim, hurt, or destroy your mate. Rather it is to
communicate honest feelings of anger, frustration, and confusion. Sometimes a fight is
necessary to create greater emotional distance or to break down walls of silence. Dialogue of
feelings is the purpose. The goal is for both persons to win. It is not "I win, you lost." or is it,
" You win, I lose." It is, "I win, you win." Enlightened self8interest is a valuable asset. If I hit
too hard, it will hurt me in the long run. If I do not receive some of the blows solidly, she will
not have got through to me.
Both of us win when we have really heard each other's gripes, reestabished our relationship,
redefined lines of responsibility, or renegotiated the delicate balance of power.
10. Judith Viorst, in a delightful poem, shows that she knows something about fighting. She
also shows a sense of humor, and that has saved many a marriage. In "Striking Back" she list
her own ways of "fighting dirty."
When a husband tells a wife
Stop screaming at the children
And he isn't crazy about the drapes
And why doesn't she learn where Thailand is
And maybe she should cut her hair
(All of which, needless to say, are implicit
attacks on her
Intelligence,
Taste,
Desirability,
And maternal instincts)
A wife
Can only
Strike back.
So sometimes I try
My mother's technique
Which is silence for a week,
A brooding stare into the ruined future,
And no rouge for that look of
You are making me so miserable you are giving me
A fatal illness.
It occasionally works.
And sometimes I try
Weeping, cursing, expressions of bitter remorse,
And don't ever expect to see the children again,
Which I often follow with phone calls pricing suites
At expensive hotels.

I've had limited success.
There is also
The psychoanalytic confrontation
Which entails informing him
(More, of course, in sorrow than in anger)
That his sadistic treatment of those who love him is a
sign of unconscious feelings of inadequacy and
He needs help.
I've dropped this approach.
But there is always
Total recall
During which all the wrongs he has done me since
first we met
Are laid before him.
And when this is combined
With refusing to go to the Greenberg's annual
costume party,
Tossing and moaning in my sleep,
And threatening to commit suicide, take a lover,
and drop out of the PTA because why try to
save the school system when my entire uni8
verse is falling apart.
I start to feel
I'm really
Striking back.
11.
FORGIVEESS
1. Lewis B. Smedes in his book Love Within Limits writes, "Love lets the past die. It moves people
to a new beginning without settling the past. Love does not have to clear up all past
misunderstandings. The details of the past become irrelevant; only its new beginning matters.
Accounts may go unsettled, differences remain unsolved, ledgers stay unbalanced. conflicts
between people's memories of how things happened are not cleared up, the past stays muddled.
Only the future matters. Love's power does not make fussy historians. Love prefers to tuck the
loose ends of past rights and wrongs in the bosom of forgiveness88and pushes us into a new
start."
2. Marjorie Holmes writes, "I don't find it too hard to forgive, Lord88what's hard is to forget.
When someone is truly sorry I think. "Yes, yes, I forgive you." Just to have the
estrangement over, to be relieved of the awful pain of being parted even mentally from someone
I love. In sheer self8protection I think I "forgive."
But the memory remains. Deep, buried deep inside me, the deed or the word still lives. And
it rises sometimes to taunt me, to wreck the peace I've achieved.
Why, Lord? Why do these memories linger?
Is it because I've forgiven for the the wrong reasons? Selfish reasons. ot genuine
compassion and love and charity for the other person and his human frailties, but for myself.
Me88me88me. Because I can't stand to be so hurt.
Help me to change this, Lord. Make me strong enough to forgive peole out of love rather
than a mere frantic desire to ease my own wounds. Forgive so wholly, fully, in such a flood there
is no room for nagging memories.
Thank you for teaching me to forgive this way. True forgiving means forgetting.
3. David Augsburger, radio speaker for "The Minnonite Hour" said, "Forgiveness is hard.
Especially in a marriage tense with past troubles, tormented by fears of rejection and humiliation,
and torn by suspicion and distrust.
Forgiveness hurts. Especially when it must be extended to a husband or wife who doesn't

deserve it, who has earned it, who may misuse it. It hurts to forgive.
Forgivness costs. Especially in marriage when it means accepting instead of demanding
repayment for the wrong done; where it means releasing the other instead of exacting revenge;
where it means reaching out in love instead of relinquishing resentments. It costs to forgive.
"Stated in marriage relationships, forgiveness takes place when love accepts88deliberately88the
hurts and the abrasions of life and drops all charges against the other person. Forgiveness is
accepting the other when both of you know he or she has done something unacceptable.
Forgiveness is smiling silent love to your partner when the justifications for keeping an insult
or injury alive are on the tip of your tongue, yet you swallowed them. ot because you have to,
to keep peace, but because you want to, to make peace.
Forgiveness is a relationship between equals who recognize their deep need for each other,
share and share alike. Each needs the others forgiveness. Each needs the others acceptance.
Each needs the other.
4. "Marriage is to be a duet and not a duel."
5. Joyce Huggett in Marriage On the Mend 1988 wrote, "To forgive, according to The Shorter
Oxford English Dictionary, means, among other things, to cease to harbor resentment, to pardon
an offender or an offence, to give up resentment against someone, to abandon one's claim
against a debtor, to make excuse for someone who has hurt you, to regard them indulgently. In
other words, it means to let the offender off the hook; to deal graciously with that person.
eville Ward has described forgiveness in this way: "Forgiving is love managing to continue
though injured or dismayed or mystified." It is bearing injury without retaliation. It is the
capacity to be hurt but to continue to love without that love becoiming "even just a little
frightened and therefore more cautious an reserved." It is seeking to understand why the
offender inflicted the hurt in the first place, and so identifying with the offender's need or sorrow
or deprivation that love for him or her deepens and becomes more sensitive to him or her as a
person.
Forgiveness holds nothing against the offender: no grudge, no resentment, no anger, no ill
feeling. Forgiveness is the Christlike generosity which restores broken relationships. Forgiveness
is undeserved love which may or may not be accompanied by warm feelings. Such forgivness
brings healing to the most battered of relationships.
6. When we conduct Marriage Fulfilment retreats, David and I like to spell out some of the steps
couples can take to ensure that their forgiveness of one another is both regular and complete, so
that this experience of freedom and joy becomes theirs.
Step 1: Be honest. Recognize that within your lurks seeds of anger, bitterness,
resentment, jealousy, revenge, unforgiveness. Tell God that these thoughts and feelings are
present and strong.
Step 2: Make a choice.You can either choose to cling to these thoughts and feelings,
or you can choose to ket go ig them. Choose to drop them. Unclench your fists. Let the poison
go. Pray a prayer like the following:
Lord Jesus, you know how my wife hurt me yesterday, but because you require it of me
and because our marriage matters more to me than hanging on to this hurt, with an act of the
will I forgive her.
Father, you know how my husband upset me just now, you know how the nager burns in
my heart. I hand that anger to you. Sift it, Hand back to me only the anger which is rightous.
Throw the rest away. And now, with an act of my will, I choose to forgive my husband.
Step 3: Ask God to show you how he feels about your partner. Wait for an answer
to your question.
Step 4: ask God to forgive you for harboring bitterness and resentment, jealousy
and anger. Ask him to lance the abscess and drain away all the poison which has collected inside
you.
Step 5: Ask God to pour his love onto your partner; to enrich him or her.
Step 6: Ask God implant some of that love in you so that you can go back into the
relationship with fresh supplies of love to give to your spouse.
Step 7: Ask God to touch and soothe and heal any hurts inside you or your partner
that came from the altercation.
Step 8: Ask God to change you so that your marriage can be improved.
Step 9: Ask God to show you whether thre is something specific you can do to show

that you long for reconciliation and not the perpetuation of conflict.
Step 10: Ask God to melt any remaining hardness in your heart so that you are free
to return to the relationship with yur attitude soffened by the love of God.
Step 11: Ask you spouse a question: "Will you forgive me?"
Step 12: Make an apology: "I'm sorry"888even if you believe that you
are innocent!
6. o one portrays human life more realistically than Shakespeare. He knew our human hearts.
Jung once said in reference to Shakespeare that he also knew God. His comedies and tragedies
reduce human existence to the level where we can omprehend it and deal with it. The stories of
jealousy and anger with which these comedies and tragedies begin are not very different. Buyt
there is one crucial distincion between the tragedies like King Lear, Hamlet, and Othello and the
later comedies such as The Winter's Tale, Cymbeline and The Tempest. In the tragedies, at the
critical moment, the characters do not express self8giving love and the forgiveness which always
accompanies love. In the comedies love and forgiveness are present at the critical moment and
tragedy is avoided.
FRIEDS
1. Marilyn Funt wrote, That is an oft8repeated theme in good marriages. Couples who like one
another from the start frequently seem to have an edge in making the relationship work. Love
seems to find a fertile ground in the soil of friendship; the plant may not bear flowers as exotic
as those sown in passion, but the roots go deeper. Yet in that friendship garden, you may find
some unexpected long8lasting blooms.
FRIEDSHIP
1. Lois Wyse in Love Poems for the Very Married
Someone asked me to name the time
Our friendship stopped and love began.
Oh, my darling, that's the secret
Our friendship never stopped.
2. Kahili Gibran wrote,
"Among intellect people
The surest basis for marriage
Is friendship,
The sharing of real interests,
The ability to fight out
Ideas together
And understand each other's
Thoughts
And dreams.
3. Steve and Annie Chapman in Married Lovers Married Friends wrote, "People get married
because they love each other. But I believe they stay married because they like each other. And
becasue I believe this, I'm a great crusder for falling in like, and staying in like with your spouse.
My penchant to promote "like" in marriage may never result in songs that make the Top 20,
simply because it's so difficult to rhyme. Look at love. You can pair it up with sticky sentiments
like "my turtle dove" and "the stars above." Unfortunately, "like" rhymes only with expressions
like "take a hike." Hardly the sentiments passionate ballads are made of.
But liking has a wonderful things going for it: Partners who like each other have a
relationship founded on respect888respect for their mate and for themselves as well. When
respect, and the "liking" it fosters, flourishes in a marriage, you can bet the relationship rests on
very solid ground.
FRIEDSHIP I MARRIAGE
A Sermon by Rev. Lawson M. Smith
"You are My friends if you do whatever I command you" (John 15:14).

Friendship is one of the most delightful parts of human life. It is
especially precious between a husband and wife. But like every other
human affection, friendship must be infilled and directed by love to
the Lord and love toward the neighbor. First of all, we must try to be
friends of the Lord by doing His commandments. Then the Lord can teach
us to love others in the way that He loves us, and so to be true
friends.
The Writings draw a sharp distinction between mere friendship and
true charity. For example, they describe societies that exist merely
for the sake of the pleasures of friendship. In the world, the people
of these societies appeared good, delightful, witty, and talented,
since they knew how to act with proper style and insinuate themselves
into friendships. They love the people they converse with, not caring
whether they are good or not as long as they are entertaining. Such
people enjoy friendship for lascivious reasons, for the delight of
idleness, or from contempt of others outside their circle (see SDm
4810).
These people dull the affection for what is good and true in others,
the affections that might otherwise lead them to exercise some
discrimination. They also absorb and take away others' delights. Then
as soon as they cease to be delighted by a friendship, they drop it.
The Writings say, "There are more societies of such spirits today than
anyone could believe" (AC 4054, 4804).
"Many say, 'I love so8and8so because he loves me and does good to
me.' But to love him for that reason only is not to love him
interiorly." "It is one thing to love the neighbor from the good or use
that is in him toward oneself, and another to love the neighbor from
the good or use in oneself toward him."
"The man who is in charity examines and discovers by means of truth
what ought to be loved, and in loving and conferring benefits he has
regard to the nature of the other's use" (Faith 21). An illustration
is the saying commonly used today, that a real friend does not let his
friend drive after drinking. But those in mere friendship have no idea
what it means to be a friend to good.
"Genuine love toward the neighbor is to love the good in another
from the good in oneself [as to love the honesty of another person from
one's own determination to be honest] for then these goods kiss and
mutually conjoin themselves." "He who loves what is good because it is
good, and what is true because it is true, in a special sense loves the
neighbor. For then he loves the Lord, who is good itself and truth
itself" (TCR 418, 419).
These teachings apply to marriage just as much as to any other
friendship. With the doctrine about friendship in general, plus the
specific teachings on conjugial friendship, the Lord gives us guidance
as to how we may be His friends first of all, and thus true friends
with our married partners.
The Word advises us in choosing a married partner, someone we hope
will be our best friend forever. We ought to look for someone not
merely on the basis of personality, looks, and other external
characteristics. We should choose a person who has the same religious
and moral principles as we have, someone who brings out our best

qualities, who helps us become the kind of person we want to be.
In heaven, we are taught, a man is loved for his moral wisdom, and
for his love of growing wise (see CL 44:2). A man in heaven loves his
wife for her spiritual beauty, that is, her affection for the truth and
the life according to it, which inspires him to want to grow wise (see
CL 56). We can continue to look to and honor these qualities in our
partners throughout our marriage, and even forever.
The Writings point out that almost any two people can be conjoined
by external affections, and that in the world today, internal
affections rarely show through (see CL 27284). Most marriages are
based on quite external affections for the partner, and therefore many
are dissolved after death.
But in the ew Church we have the opportunity to share internal
affections with our friends. Internal things all have to do with
religion and the way religion is expressed in life. The Word teaches
us plainly that we should explore the similarities and differences of
religion between ourselves and someone we might marry. Since we have
such clear, specific religious teachings provided for us in the
Writings, it is easier for us to discuss and apply the Word to life
than for other sincerely religious people.
We have, therefore, a good hope of entering into a marriage that
will last forever. The Writings say that a marriage with a
spiritually, eternally compatible partner is provided by the Lord on
earth with those who have loved, chosen and asked of the Lord a
legitimate and lovely companionship with one, and have spurned
wandering lusts as an offense to their nostrils (see CL 49).
One of the main purposes of the period of engagement or betrothal is
to provide an opportunity for a couple to explore more deeply their
interior affections in the freedom and security that consent brings.
They can apply themselves to conjoining their affections in the inward
joyousness of love.
Conjugial love, from its first heat, ascends progressively upward
toward their souls with an effort to conjunction there by continually
more interior openings of the mind. o love labors more intensely to
open the mind to the Lord and to the neighbor than conjugial love. o
love opens the mind more powerfully and easily, since the soul of each
is striving for this opening. They separate themselves from the
unlimited or general love of the opposite sex and direct their love to
one. Their spirits enter into marriage, and they look to an eternal
union with one. In this way, conjugial love progresses in proper
order, from its first heat to the nuptial flame (see CL 3018304).
The Word tells us that the first, romantic love which leads two
people to get married does not really conjoin them. This teaching
seems to apply even to those who look for a common religion in choosing
a partner. Since we are not yet regenerated, our first love is based
on external things88"a love belonging to the body and thence to the
spirit." What is in the spirit from the body does not last long, while
love which is in the body from the spirit, from conscience, does last
(see CL 162). The instability of merely romantic love is well known.
The Lord makes use of such external affections, though, to lead

people into marriage, and then if they are willing to shun evils as
sins, He gradually purifies and cleanses their love from day to day
(see CL 64). We do not need to feel discouraged if we find motives
that seem less than perfect involved in our love for someone else. If
we are trying to look to the Lord to guide us, and if we shun evils
against our partner as sins against the Lord, then the Lord will be
able to replace our mediate affections with genuine ones in time.
In the meantime, being friends with our married partner gives
stability to our love. Friendship is very important to the conjunction
of minds. Love which belongs to the spirit, and from the spirit to the
body, is insinuated into the souls and minds of married partners
together with friendship and confidence. Partners grow to have
confidence in each other, and so to have a special kind of friendship,
from religion in life, as when a wife trusts the spiritual8moral
conscience of her husband. When friendship and confidence join
themselves to the first love of marriage, that romantic love becomes a
true marriage love, "and this opens the breasts and breathes into them
the sweetness of love, doing this more and more deeply as friendship
and confidence attach themselves to the first love, and the love enters
into them and they into it" (CL 162).
With those who are in love truly conjugial, conjunction of minds,
and with it friendship and confidence, increases. They become more and
more one flesh, spiritually. This conjunction increases as friendship
conjoins itself to love. The first love, before there is friendship,
is similar to the general love of the opposite sex, and after the vows,
it tends to grow feeble. But when the love is joined to friendship, the
love remains and friendship makes it stable. The two partners can
still be best friends even when they are not feeling ardently in love.
The Writings say that friendship is like the garment of love,
protecting it and providing good external forms of behavior, the mutual
courtesies and favors of friends. But friendship can also be the face
of conjugial love, as one of the most important expressions of love.
The two partners share the same ends, and each perceives delight in
doing what pleases the other (see AC 4145:3). They want to do each
other every good88every kindness, every service, every sign of
friendship (see CL 180). With such friendship, love enters more deeply
into the heart. Friendship introduces it and makes the love truly a
marriage love, not just a sexual love; and then the love makes this its
friendship also a conjugial friendship, which differs greatly from the
friendship of every other love. The Writings call it "the friendship
of friendships" (CL 334, 214).
During the course of a marriage, every couple has warmer and colder
states. The Writings say that all states of coldness in marriage stem
from internal dissimilarities, and all internal dissimilarities relate
to religion: either to the lack of religion or to difference of
religion. This is encouraging, because it means that in marriages
where both partners are sincerely trying to follow the Lord, there
need not be prolonged, serious states of cold.
However, even those who are being regenerated come into states that
are relatively irreligious, times when the evil spirits attack them and
they do or say things they later regret. From internal cold, cold
creeps down into external, conscious states, due to such things as a
wide difference in manners and habits; the notion that marriage love is

no different from adulterous love; a rivalry for dominion; a lack of
determination to any useful pursuit, which leaves a man's mind open to
wandering lusts; and a significant difference in age, social station or
wealth. The Writings also speak of accessory causes of cold, causes
which need not create a problem at all, but which may add to our
troubles in unregenerate states. These relate to a man's sense of
freedom and initiative within marriage, especially in relation to the
ultimate expression of love (see CL chap. on "colds").
When cold states arise, either with ourselves or apparently with our
partner, the Writings advise us to carry on the appearances of love,
friendship and favor in marriage. Such appearances are praiseworthy,
not hypocritical, because they are useful and necessary. A person who
looks to the Lord does them from conscience. He acts seriously and
looks to amendment as his goal and hope. If this does not follow, he
still looks to accommodation for the sake of order in the home, for the
sake of mutual help, for the care of little children, and for peace and
tranquility. In this way, there can be a return of friendship, within
which lies conjugial love, on one side if not on the other (see CL 271,
2798280, 282).
It is important for a man to continue to court his wife after they
are married88to tell her that he loves her, to show her kindness,
friendship and favor. He should regularly make time, free from
business and household concerns, for talking with his wife. A man
needs to do this for his own sake as well as for hers, because if he
does such things from conscience, he is providing a form into which
love truly conjugial can inflow from the Lord. The Writings say, "Act
precedes; man's willingness follows" (AC 4353).
The Writings speak of another state of friendship in marriage, the
friendship of a couple in old age. We read, "When the partners grow
old, if favor does not cease with the wife when ability ceases with the
man, there may arise a friendship that emulates conjugial friendship."
With the ultimate foundation removed, love may grow cold on the man's
part, and then the wife may cease to favor her husband. But if the man
then tacitly imputes the cause to himself, and the wife still
perseveres in chaste favor toward him, there may result a friendship
which seems like love, emulating conjugial love. It seems that this
love is said to "emulate" conjugial love, because of the lack of the
ultimate, which will be restored in heaven. This passage concludes,
"That between aged partners, on the ground of their dwelling together,
their dealings and their comradeship, there is a friendship as though
of conjugial love88tranquil, secure, lovely, and full of courtesy, is
attested by experience" (CL 290).
So the Writings guide us in the way to be a friend to the Lord by
doing whatever He commands, and to be a true friend to our married
partner. We can cultivate true friendship, first of all, by looking to
the Lord and performing actual repentance. Our main responsibility
will always be to shun evils as sins, for these are what make us an
enemy rather than a friend to others, and block our reception of true
mutual love from the Lord. Second, we can carry on our daily
responsibilities justly and faithfully. Third, we can read the Word.
If we are married, we can read and pray together. The Word is the
medium of conjunction with the Lord, and so it is also the means by
which husband and wife can be conjoined. Finally, in the light of the
Word, a husband and wife can talk to each other and work together on

the responsibilities and uses they share. If we do these things, the
Lord will certainly bless us, in the other world if not in this, with
all the states of conjugial love: "innocence, peace, tranquillity,
inmost friendship, full confidence, and a mutual desire of mind and
heart to do the other every good; and from all these, blessedness,
happiness, delight, pleasure; and from the eternal fruition of these,
heavenly joy" (CL 180). Amen.
Lessons: John 15:9817; CL 214 Preached in Mitchellville, Maryland on
July 13, 1986
On Friendship" by Roy Croft. I love you, not for what you are, but what I am, when I am with
you.I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but what youare making of me. I
love you for the part of me that you bring out.
I love you for putting your hand into my heaped up heart and passing over all the frivolous
and weak things that you cannot help seeing there, and drawing out into the light all the
beautiful and radiant things that no one else has looked quite far enough to find.
I love you for ignoring the possibilities of the fool in me, and for laying hold of the possibilities
of good in me.
I love you for closing your eyes to the discords in me, and adding to the music in me by
worshipful listening...You have done it without a touch, without a sign. You have done itby being
yourself.
Poem by Roy Croft (seems to be a variation of "On Friendship")I love you,ot only for what you
are,But for what I amWhen I am with you.
I love you,ot only for whatYou have made of yourself,But for whatYou are making of me.I
love youFor the part of meThat you bring out;I love youFor putting your handInto my heaped8up
heart
1And passing overAll the foolish, weak thingsThat you can1t helpDimly seeing there,And for
drawing outnto the lightAll the beautiful belongingsThat no one else had lookedQuite far enough
to find. because youAre helping me to makeOf the tumber of my lifeot a tavernBut a
temple;Out of the worksOf my every dayot a reproachBut asong
I love youBecause you have done
2More than any creedCould have doneo make me good,And more than any fateCould have
doneTo make me happy.
You have done itWithout a touch,Without a word,Without a sign.You have done it By being
yourself.Perhaps that is what being a friend means,After all.
We tend to think that friendship love is left behind when we move up to romantic love, but
this is not so. Phileo is the Greek word for friendship love, and it is on the highest level. It is the
love God has for his Son8John 5:20. It is the love of God for His people8John 16:27. It is the
love of Jesus for His disciple8John 13:23. It is the love of a disciple for Jesus8John 21:17.
But for our purpose, most important, it is the love of a wife for her husband8
Titus 2:384. This love is not sexual, but is based on what is admirable, attractive,
and appealing. There is communication and companionship that is enjoyable. This is the fun
side of being together with another person.
If couples neglect this for Eros, they lose fun in their relationship, and narrow their base of
support. You need to love to be together for more than sex to enrich your marriage.
Phileo love is multi8faceted, so that two people become best friends, enjoying a broad range
of experiences together. There is mutual affection, and this is a form of intimacy which enhances
their sex life. But this pleasure of phileo is not a means to sex, but is an end in itself of great
value. It is foreplay at its best, but it is unconciously so, for it is just fun and enjoyment of each
other's company with no other motive but that of friendship.

Becoming lovers is the frosting on the cake, but it can be a very sweet cake even if there is
no frosting. Phileo tends to be very strong in courtship. Two work at being boy and girl friend,
and look for every way possible to have fun and enjoyable experiences. After marriage they
often focus on eros, or sexual pleasure, and let phileo lie dormat. If we will take it out of the
closet, dust it off, and put it back into operation, we will enrich our marriage tremendously.
Friends have fun together. It may be by talking, by playing sports, or games, or by doing
things together and going places together. Be a friend to your mate and you will add joy to
your marriage.
What is the key that unlocks that closet to set phileo free? SHARIG! You do what started
romance in the first place. You share your life and your interest, and you spend time together in
talk and play. The essence of romance is in the two T's,
talk and time. People fall in love by means of these two T's. You talk and you spend time
together. Put any person in your life where you spend a lot of time with them, and do a lot of
talking with them, and they will become a friend. That is how friends are made8talk and time, or
communication and companionship. Remove these two ingredients and friendship fades.
Doctor Ed Wheat in Love Life For Every Married Couple has these three R's as the way to
develop friendship for couples:
1. Relaxation. You have to be comfortable with a person to develop friendship. Some people
make you feel on guard, and you just can't feel free to be yourself. This is not a person who is
likely to become a friend. A person who makes you feel relaxed and free to express yourself
honestly and openly is the one you like to be with as a friend. As mates you need to work at
being relaxed together. Do not pressure each other, but share pleasant experiences in a relaxed
atmosphere.
2. Rapport. This second stage is reached when two people begun to share on a deeper level.
The inner man is opened, and one becomes vulnerable in sharing, for they feel safe and secure,
assured that the other will accept and not reject them. This oneness leads to strong friendship.
When you can share your deepest feelings, fears, hopes, and dreams you are enjoying the
pleasures of phileo8friendship love.
3. REVELATIO. Friendship has to be fed, for like a fire if it gets no fuel it dies out. But it can
be rekindled by renewed revelation of what is going on in your life. You have to keep revelation
fresh, for this is what makes you feel intimate with your mate. Mates who do not reveal how
they feel about many things are robbing their relationship of the fuel to keep the fire of
friendship burning.
Here is where men are notorious for hurting the friendship side of marriage. Men do not
share feelings very well. They hold them in, for big boys they have been told do not cry or
whine etc. They are conditioned to surpress feelings. It is a heavy burden for wives, and
someone has said, "Adultery has slain its thousands, but silence has slain its tens of thousands."
Men need to spend time doing nothing but looking at their wives and listening. This is the only
way they will understand their wife's perspective. J. B. Yeats wrote, "I think a man and woman
should choose each other for life for the simple reason that a long life is barely enough for a
man and woman to understand each other; and to understand is to love.
4.
FU
1. Oren Arnold writes, "If you are going to make the second half the best part
of your life, you positively do need a lot of fun in it. Fun! Humor! Laughter!"
2. Humor keeps you alive and going when most else lets you down. One
psychiatrist said, "Humor is the calisthenics of the mind." It keeps you from
becoming stiff, negative, and judgmental. A sense of humor enables you to
reckonize that your mate may be cranky because of fatigue and, therefore,

laugh it off and not make a federal case out of it. Life is not all fun and games,
it is also work and struggle and routine obligations. But you need to add the fun
as the spice of life. Eccles. 9:9 and Gen. 26:8.
3. Hedonism is pursuing pleasure as life's highest purpose and this is not
Christian. But to pursue it as a God given value is legitimate. Pleasure is one
of those good things that can become a bad thing when it becomes a god rather
than a good. Lobsenz writes of the pleasure neurosis and says, "A deep psycho8
logical fear of relaxation....Pleasure cannot be enjoyed in and of itself, it must be
coupled with work or with a purpose." Christians can have all the pleasure that
sex can give in life without doing anything out of God's will.
4. Research at the University of Kansas says we are happy to the degree of our
resources for pleasure. The three main sources are88
a. Information sources to give knowledge.
b. Inviromental sources that exist outside of self such as other people etc.
c. Personal sources88those within.
G
GAMES
1. Match game. Give questions to men and women and let them write an answer on paper and
then ask the mate to respond and try to match the answer of their mate.
1. On what day of the week was your first child born?
2. My favorite color is?
3. My favorite food is?
4. The title of the last movie we watched together is?
5. Our first married address was?
6. If we could go anywhere in the U.S. for two weeks I would go to?
7. My ring size is?
8. The next major purchase we should make is?
9. My favorite TV show is?
10. My favorite sport is?
11. If I could have any job it would be?
12. Our wedding was at ____O'clock?
13. My best subject in High School was?
14. My favorite relative is?
15. The last place we ate out was?
16. If our home was burning down the thing I would save is?
GEESIS 2:24
1.This command is repeated 4 times in Matt. 19:5, Mark 10:7, Eph. 5:31.
A. Leaving is a key factor in a happy marriage. If there is a third party that has a greater
authority in your life than your mate that will have a negative effect on your relationship that
demands exclusiveness in many ways to be at its best. If your mother of father has a dominent
influence in your life your mate will resent it. Marriage is for mature and independent people who
are no longer tied to the past.
Mates are to build a new home with new independent values that are their own. They may be
the same as their parents but they need to be chosen by the couple together. The tears at the
wedding are because mom is now no longer in charge of her son or daughter. It is hard for
parents to let go and hard for kids to cut loose.
Parents often put a great deal of pressure on a couple to do as they desire and often control
some financial strings.
In some cultures the parents have control of the couple and they have to live with them and
pay off the debt they owe them. This prevents the leaving demanded in this text. God designed
marriage to be an Adam and Eve experience where two people have to make it on their own.
Mothers feel no young girl can care for my son as I can and so they interfere. The principle here
is that mates are to be primary and all other secondary. Put your mate first if you want a happy
marriage. A man is to say I love this woman enough to change my life's loyalities and devote
myself to her above all others.

It is possible to leave physically and yet not psychologically. The wife may then just be an
employ and not a partner in this new business of life.
B. Cleaving is not a once for all experience like leaving. It has to be repeated constantly to
maintain intimacy in the marriage. It is the loss of intimacy that destroys a marriage. Cleaving
must happen all the time or the leaving will not be of any value in itself. This cleaving does not
mean the smothering love that will not let the other have freedom to be an individual. Robert
Blood in his book Marriage writes, "The love which grows into a lasting marriage needs both
attachment and release. After the partners learn to be close, to be companions, and to care for
each other, release is an expression of trust, respect and acceptance. Can the partners allow
each other freedom to grow as indivduals? A man who delights in his wife's separate blooming
will find her more closely his own because he released her.
The woman who encourages her husbands personal fulfillment will sense his gratitude and
satisfaction. If one partner is afraid to let go and tries to control the growth and creativity of
the other love will be strangled."
Cleaving has to do with physical oneness in sex. We do not cleave to souls but to bodies.
Sex can be one of the acts of the body by which we express thanks to God. Parents often try to
prevent sex before marriage by making it shameful and dirty. This is not wise for it leads
Christian couples to have a hard time in marriage to accept sex as a beautiful thing.
* Do you recall sex as being beautiful or dirty?
H
HABIT
1. Balzac said, "There is a monster that devours everything in marriage who must constantly be
vanquished, his name is habit."
2. Dr. Ayola wrote, " Dona, in the high burnout group, explains how her husband's annoying
habits make her feel toward him and toward their marriage:
What really gets me are the thing he does repeatedly, things
that seem to be motivated by nothing else but a desire to drive me
crazy.....
......like putting bottles of soft drink in the freezer and leav8
ing them there till they explode. And each time this happens and
I tell him he is going to forget to take the bottles out in time, he
insistes he knows what he is doing......Or like his habit of not
paying parking tickets till they've tripled the fine......or not giving
me my telephone messages......But the one thing that is most
likely to drive me out of this marriage is his habit of eating in
bed. When I feel those crumbs in the sheets, I just want to bite
his head off.
HADS
THE HADS OF THE BRIDE AD GROOM
Perhaps this is by Donne?
Maid of Honor
Bride's name, please face Groom's name, and hold his hands, palmsup, so you may see the gift
that they are to you. Bride and groomshould be facing each other, his upturned hands resting in
hers.
These are the hands, young and strong and vibrant with love, that are holding yours on your
wedding day, as he promises to love youall the days of his life.
These are the hands you will place with expectant joy against yourstomach, until he too, feels his
child stir within your womb.
These are the hands that look so large and clumsy, yet will be sogentle as he holds your baby for
the first time.
These are the hands that will work long hours for you and your new
family.
These are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, for a
lifetime of happiness. These are the hands that will countless times wipe the tears fromyour

eyes: tears of sorrow and tears of joy.
These are the hands that will comfort you in illness, and hold youwhen fear or grief rack your
mind. that will tenderly lift your chin and brush yourcheek as they raise your face to look into his
eyes: eyes that arefilled completely with his overwhelming love and desire for you.Best Man
Groom's name, please hold Bride's name's hands, palms up, where youmay see the gift that they
are to you. Bride should now place herupturned hands in the Groom's hands.are smooth, young,
and carefree, that are
holding yours on your wedding day, as she pledges her love and commitment to you all the days
of her life.
These are the hands that will hold each child in tender love,soothing them through illness and
hurts, supporting and encouragingthem along the way, and knowing when it's time to let go.
These are the hands that will massage tension from your neck andback in the evenings, after
you've both had a long hard day.
These are the hands that will hold you tight as you struggle throughdifficult times.They are the
hands that will comfort you when you are sick orconsole you when you are grieving. These are
the hands that will passionately love you and chrish youthrough the years,for a lifetime of
happiness.
These are the hands that will hold you in joy and excitement andhope, each time she tells you
that you are to have another child;that together you have created a new life.
Perhaps these are the hands that will comfort you when you are toldyou cannot have a child,
and will convince you that together youwill create new life in other ways.
These are the hands that will give you support as she encourages youto chase down your
dreams. Together, as a team, everything you wishfor can be realized.
Dear Father, bless the hands that you see before you this day. Maythey always be held by one
another. Give them the strength to holdon during the storms of stress and the dark of
disillusionment. Keepthem tender and gentle as they nurture each other in their love.Help these
hands to continue building a relationship founded in yourgrace, rich in caring, and devoted to
reaching for your perfection.May Bride's name and Groom's name see their four hands as
healer,protector, shelter, and guide.
We ask this in the name of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, who lives and reigns with you now
and forever, Amen. HEALIG A DAMAGED MARRIAGE
Pat and Jill Williams wrote the book, REKIDLED, and in it they tell how they healed their
broken marriage. They credit Dr. Wheat for giving them the formula that led to their healing. He
gave these four elements as a basis for transforming any marriage: Blessing, Edifying, Sharing,
and Touching. These can be remembered by the acronym BEST. The beauty is they can be
implimented by just one partner alone.
BLESSIG
This means to speak well of your partner. Tell others how you appreciate them and compliment
them on all they do that you appreciate. Just be kind and uplifting in all you say to them. Express
gratitude and do acts of kindness to them. Dr Wheat suggests that you treat your mate as a
guest in your home. These words and actions will bring healing to any marriage.
EDIFYIG
This means to support and build up, and is in contrast to putting down and criticising. Prov. 24:38
4 says, "Through wisdom is an house builded; and by understanding it is established: And by
knowledge shall the chambers be filled with all precious and pleasant riches." You need to study
your mate and understand what they need to hear from you to be build up and encouraged.
People struggle with their self image all the time and need support to feel good about
themselves.
SHARIG
"Dr. Wheat's challenge was to share time, activity, interests, concerns, ideas, inner 8most
thoughts, spiritual walk, family objectives, and career goals.
TOUCHIG
All else will be of little value unless couples learn to touch each other often in nonsexual ways,
says Dr. Wheat. The tender touch calms and comforts and gives emotional security. F. B.
Dressler reports that women need eight to ten meaningful touches each day just to maintain
physical and emotional health. And more than eighty per cent of a woman's desire for
meaningful touch is non8sexual.

HAPPIESS
1. Dr. Cagan points out, "Happiness is not something that comes once in a lifetime and stays
forever, but consists of recurring moments of joy, contentment, and satisfaction."
HOMEWORK
1. Spend some time sharing with each other how you feel about88
a. Being middle age.
b. About successes and failures.
c. About what you would like to achieve in life.
2. Let the wife lay with her head on his lap while both close their eyes, and
for three minutes let him touch her face with his fingertips. Feel her face and
seek to discover something not known before. Reverse this with the wife feeling
the husbands face.
3. In bed each take turns rubbing every part of the body for ten minutes. The
purpose is to find out what parts enjoy massaging. From head to foot just rub
gently and carass and report to each other what sensations you experienced.
4. Between now and next week set aside a period of fifteen minutes each day
in which you share with each other on the subject of communication. Talk about
your listening habits, why somethings are hard to share, and what can you do to
improve your communications.
5. The fantasy game is where you open the door for God to give you guidence though your own
mind. Pretend you have a very good marriage counselor you are talking to face to face. Close
your eyes, listen to your feelings, bring your counselor into your situation, and ask about a
specific problem, and then listen to him respond.
6.
HOEYMOO
1. THE IFACY OF MARRIAGE
The moon, the moon, no silver and cold,
Her fickle temper has oft been told,
ow shady88now bright and sunny88
But of all the lunar things that change,
The one that shows most fickle and strange,
And takes the most eccentric range,
Is the moon88so8called88of honey! 88888Thomas Hood
When a couple are newly married, the first
month is honeymoon or smick8smack;
The second is hither and thither; the third
is thwick thwack;
The fourth, the Devil take them that brought
thee and I together. 888John Ray, English Proverbs
2. Arlene Mathews in Why Did I Marry You, Anyway? wrote, "Some etymologist think the
"honey" in "honeymoon" stems from a Scandinavian tradition that called for newlyweds to toast
each other with mead, a wine made from honey. Some think the "moon" in "honeymoon" stands
literally for the first month of marriage, when to quote Samuel Johnson's Dictionary, "there is
nothing but tenderness and pleasure." So far, so romantic.
But what's this? The much8respected, no8nonsense Oxford English Dictionary makes no
mention of honey wine in its history of this word and contends that in its ealiest usuage,
"honeymoon" did not refer to the period of a month but rather cmpared "the mutual affection of
newly married persons to the changing moon which is no sooner full than it begins to want."
What a depressing genesis for such a pleasant word! Can there be some mistake?
3. The honeymoon is the interval between a mans "I do" and his wife's "You'd better."
4. James Dobson writes, "The best honeymoon story I've heard came from some friends close to
Shirley and me. After a fancy wedding they drove to a local hotel and checked into the bridal

suite. The new husband glided into the bathroom to freshen up and his wife awaited his grand
entrance. During the interlude, she noticed that a large bottle of champagne had been delivered
to their room, compliments of the hotel. The bride had never tasted an alcoholic beverage
before, but she did recall that her doctor recommended a small quanity of wine to settle her
honeymoon jitters. Why not? she thought. She poured herself a glass of bubbly and found she
liked it quite well. She quickly poured and drank another glass and continuing guzzling until the
bottle was almost empty that's when it hit her.
The groom stepped out of the bathroom expectantly and found his bleary8eyed bride clutching a
champagne bottle and grinning from ear to ear. She was stone8cold drunk. He smelled like
after8shave lotion and she smelled like a skid8row bum.
The young wife then became deathly ill and "tossed her cookies'88including the awful wedding
cake88for several hours. That cooled down the groom considerably.
He sat up with her through the night and helped her get dressed the next morning.
They had to catch an early plane to Hawaii although the bride was in poor condition to travel.
She was still drunk and had to be led, weaving and groaning, to the airport. She did not regain
her equilibrium for two more days. By then, the groom had forgotton what he came for. This
delightful couple has now been married for twenty8two years and neither has been drunk since.
But they will tell you, if you ask, that honeymoons are made for trouble.
5. Henry Brandt wrote, "I recall a lady who had interrupted her honeymoon inorder to come to
see me. She was a little older than most people are when they get married. She was in her
early thirties and getting a little desperate whether or not she would find a husband. He swept
her off hre feet, lavished a lot of money on her. They didn't know each other very well, or very
long, when they got married. ow they were starting out for Florida on their honeymoon form
Michigan in this white Thunderbird and all the money they needed. She began to discover some
things about him that she didn't like. She was not accustomed to a big car, she drove at a speed
of 55860 miles an hour. In this big, powerful Thunderbird, when they got on the freeway, he
took off at 80,85 miles an hour and the speed limit was 70. This made her uncomfortable.
She looked up at him very sweetly like a first day bride should, and said, "Honey, you are
going toot fast."
He told her to mind her own business. That was the first shock. He wouldn't slow down.
You can imagine this 60 mile an hour woman and this 80 mile na hour feelow spending a while
half day in the car. She built up a few tensions. Another thing she didn't know about hims was
htat he was reckless. He would get trapped behind a truch and swear. He used good
theological therminology, but not in the right way. She didn't know he swore. So that disturbed
her, you see. This was the first day. They were out of step. They were not in agreement. This
became difficult by lunch time.
They stopped at this place to eat, and she noticed somthing else about him she had nver
noticed before. Everytime he put a forkful of food in his mouth, he would hit his tooth with the
fork. She noticed this and began paying attention to it. The more she listened, the louder it got.
And the more disgusted she got. ow there is the difference over speed, and he swears, and
now she dosent't like the way he eats. They returned to the car and whoosh, away they go for
the rest of the afternoon.
They come squeeling up to this motel at the end of the day for another new experience888the
first time in her life in a motel with a man. He walks into the room, unbuttons his jacket and lets
it fly. This is his pattern for living. She is the kind who has a place for everthing.
She said, "Aren't you going to hang your jacket up?"
"What? Hang my jacket up!" He loosens his belt, drops his britches, and steps out of them.
As far as he is concerned, they are ready for morning. It never occured tohim that anybody
would do anything else. Well, you can see tht when you compare their experience that first day
with this first verse, it doesn't fit:
"ow I beseech you, brethen, by the name of our Lord Jesus
Christ, that ye ll spek the same thing, and that there be no
divisions among you; but that ye be perfectly joined together in the
same mind and in the same judgment."
By the time they got to Miami, she was so mad at him, she sneaked off to the airport, bought
a ticket, and flew home. She was that disgusted with him.
My point is a lack of harmony is very very painful and disagreeable. We don't enjoy discord,
do we?

6.
HURT THE OES WE LOVE
1. There's one sad truth in life I've found
While journeying east to west,
The only folks we really wound
Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest.
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those we love the best. 888Author Unknown
2.
HUSBADS
1. Gary Smalley wrote, "At this point I'm about to prescribe the most bitter medicine I have ever
had to swallow. When I first heard about it from my friend Ken air I resisted it strongly. I
thought he was crazy! I couldn't beleive what he was telling me. I squirmed and kicked, fought
and argued for an entire month. In spite of my initial opposition, I ultimately became a
"believer" because I have not been able to come up with a single exception to this rule, and I
have spent long hours laboring to think of even one.
I want you to experience whatever emotions are natural to you as you read the statement in
the box below. If you react strongly I understand why.
IF A COUPLE HAS BEE MARRIED FOR MORE THA
FIVE YEARS, AY PERSISTET DISHOARMOY I THEIR
MARRIAGE RELATIOSHIP IS USUALLY ATTRIBUTABLE
TO THE HUSBAD'S LACK OF GEUIE LOVE.
I am not suggesting that the husband is solely resonsible for all disharmony in marriage. Some
day8to8day conflicts may be the result of his wife's physcial exhaustion, health problems,
overextended schedules. etc. On any given day, she may respond negatively to her husband due
to a headache, a disturbing phone call from her father or any number of other temporary upsets.
Certainly, the husband is not to blame for these occasional problems. However, I have found
that after five years of marriage, a husband can eliminate prolonged disharmony in his marriage
by knowing his wife's needs and meeting them on a consistent basis.
This is very hard to believe, isn't it? It took me months to even imagine that it was true, let
alone accpet it.
2. My marriage whould be much better if my husband...
*would make me feel respected and more important than his work, his relatives, his friends, and
his pastimes.
*would really try to understand my feelings and needs and learn how to respond loving to them.
*would genuinely desire and seek forgiveness when he hurts my feelings or the children's
feelings.
*would consistently feel and express sincere appreciation for who I am and what I do.
*would recognize my sensitivity as a strength and welcome my encouragement for him to
become more sensitive.
*would understand my unique physical limitations and enthusiastically take an active part in
dealing with the children and household responsibilities.
*would allow me to lean on him emotionally for comfort when discouraged or distressed, without
criticism or lectures.
*would respect me enough to welcome my opinions and advice when making decisions that
affect our family.
*would want to be my best friend and would want me to be his.
*would not try to impose values and ideals upon me that he is not applying himself, eliminating
any double standard.
3. Roses are red, our living rooms blue,
The TV needs fixing, the washer does, too.
The shutters need hanging, the walls need some paint,
You're the best sweetheart ever, but handy you ain't.

4.
HUMOR
1. "What could be more sad than a man without a country?" feelingly asked the high8school
literature teacher of her class.
"A country without a man," promptly responded one of the girls.
2. Esther Baldwin York
May your house be strong of beam,
Firm of wall and rafter,
Built with timber of a dream,
Girded well with laughter.
3. Dwight Harvey Small writes, "Isn't it a measure of maturity to be able to laugh at ourselves,
to show that we do not take ourselves seriously every minute? Seeing what is ludicrous in one's
own behavior, what is humor about one' inconsistencies and fults, exposing one's own weakness
without feeling threatened, is an effective safeguard against the tendency to judge others
defensively or flsely idealize one'e self. It can also help a relationship through many a stormy
crisis. A humorous perspective upon one's own idiosyncrasies is perhaps the best approach to
making adjustments. To laugh at one's self is to release one's grip, as it were, and to assume a
"take8it8or8leave8it" attitude toward ways about which we might otherwise be tempted to be far
more brittle and inflexible.
4. A man coming out of a long coma moaned and said where am I8in heaven? o dear cooed the
wife8I am still with you.
5. A husband said he makes all the major decisions in his marriage, but so far in 30 years no
major matters have come up.
6. The knot was tied, the pair were wed,
And then the smiling bridegroom said'
Unto the preacher, "Shall I pay
To you the usual fee today,
Or would you have me wait a year
And give you then a hundred clear,
If I should find the marriage state
As happy as I estimate?"
The preacher lost no time in thought,
To his reply no study brought,
There were no wrinkles on his brow,
Said he, "I'll take the ten dollars now."
7. Marabel Morgan wrote, "One day, some years agao, I determined to hae a "merry heart"
even if it killed me: Of course, by starting out with an attitude like that, it almost did I was
already behind the eight8ball by breakfast when the baby knocked a pie off the table. Then the
cleaners lost Charlie"s best shirt. At noon, disgusted, discouraged, and hungry. I headed for the
school while returning home with a carload of little preschoolers plus my baby, the car stopped
dead in 898degree heat in the middle of five lanes of traffic.
I wanted to cry. Then I remembered that I was sitting the atmosphere for everyone in the
car, so instead I laughed8rather hysterically. The little ankel8biters looked at me surprised, bu
then they too started to laugh. As we all held hands and raced across the traffic, we laughed.
As we trdged for help, we laughed. As the police arrived, we laughed. I told my little charges
brightly, "We're having an adventure."
One said, "You're crazy!" but I beleive that they will always look back on that day as a
highlight of junior kindergarten.
8. In marriage, he who hesitates is bossed.
9. Marriage gives a husband a chance to find out what kind of a man his wife would have
prefered.
10. The ideal husband is one who treats his wife like a new car.
11. I met a guy named Macromet. He had quite a yarn and kept me in stitches as he needled
another guy with pointed remarks. He knit the whole thing together neatly.
12. Rose Stokes wrote,
Some pray to marry the man they love,
My prayer will somewhat vary;

I humbly pray to heaven above
That I love the man I marry.
13.
HUSBAD
1. Prayer of any husband.
Lord, may there be no moment in her life
When she regrets that she became my wife;
And keep her dear eyes just a trifle blind
To my defects88and to my failings kind!
Help me to do the utmost that I can
To prove myself her measure of an a man.
But if I often fail, as mortals may,
Grant that she never sees my feet of clay!
And let her make allowance88now and then88
That we are only grownup boys, we men:
So, loving all our children, she will see
Sometimes a remnant of the child in me!
since years must bring to all their load of care,
Let us together every burden bear;
And when death beckons one its path along,
May not the two of us be parted long!88888Mazie V. Caruthers.
2. God as husband in Isa. 50:1, 54:486, 62:485, Jer. 2:2, 3:20 Hos. 2:16820 Ezek. 16.
HUMOR
1. If the world were a logical place, Men would ride side8saddle.
88Rita Mae Brown88
2. Tal D. Bonham quotes this claim of Klagsbrun, "Humor is the universal salve, easing tensions
and marriage fatigue." Humor can surface delicate problems between husbands and wives.
Teasing and kidding within a marriage adds a unique level of intimacy to a couples lives. Martin
Grotjahn said, "I can assure young women they'll never be battered wives if they choose a mate
whose witty." George Jean athan said, "othing lives one so fresh and evergreen as the love
with a funny bone."
2.KIDS COMMETS O LOVE
Kids Comment on Love
COCERIG THE ORIGIS OF LOVE
"Cupid kissed God and that got the ball rollin'."88888888 Julio, age 9 "One of the Greek lady gods
got a crush on one of the Greek man gods.He tried to hit her with lightning and thunderbolts,
but he justcouldn't get her away from him ... After a while, they became thefirst married gods."88
888888 Robbie, age 8
COCERIG WHY LOVE HAPPES BETWEE TWO PARTICUL AR PEOPLE
"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who hasfreckles too."88888888
Andrew, age 6
"o one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do
with how you smell ... That's why perfume and deodorant are sopopular."88888888 Mae, age 9 "I
think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but
3the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."88888888 Manuel, age 8
O WHAT FALLIG I LOVE IS LIKE
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."88888888 John, age 9
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don'twant to do it. It takes too long."88
888888 Glenn, age 7 O THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AD HADSOMEESS I LOVE
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family,it doesn't hurt to be
beautiful."88888888 Anita C., age 8
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome likeanything and I haven't got
anybody to marry me yet."88888888 Brian, age 7

4"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."Christine, age 9 REFLECTIOS
O THE ATURE OF LOVEove is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is
prettygood too."88888888 Greg, age 8
HOW DO PEOPLE I LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?
"Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag theirtails nearly as much."88888888
Arnold, age 10
"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and theydon't get up for at least
an hour."88888888 Wendy, age 8
"All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit togetherin the dark."88888888
Sherm, age 8
5
COCERIG WHY LOVERS OFTE HOLD HADS"They want to make sure their rings
don't fall
off because they paidgood money for them."88888888 Gavin, age 8
"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down theaisle someday and do the
holy matchimony thing."88888888 John, age 9 COFIDETIAL OPIIOS ABOUT LOVE
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' ison television."88888888 Jill,
age 6
"Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime."88888888 Floyd, age 9
"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place ... We were behind atree."
688888888 Carey, age 7
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I beentrying to hide from it since I
was five, but the girls keep findingme."DeI'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth
gradehardenough."Regina, age10 THE PERSOAL QUALITIES YOU EED TO HAVEI
ORDER TO
BE A GOOD LOVER
"Sensitivity don't hurt."Robbie, age8 One of you should know how to write a check. Because,
even if youhave tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."88888888 Ava, age 8
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSO
7FALL I LOVE WITH YOUTell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."88888888 Del,
age 6
"Shake your hips and hope for the best."88888888 Camille, age 9
"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don'tworry if their parents are
right there."88888888 Manuel, age 8
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might getattention, but attention ain't
the same thing as love."88888888 Alonzo, age 9
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something shelikes to eat. French fries
usually works for me."88888888 Bart, age 9
HOW CA YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATIGDIER AT A RESTAURAT ARE I
LOVE?
8
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell ifhe's in love."Bobby, age9
Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will getcold ... Other people care more
about the food."88888888 Bart, age 9
"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are justwearing jeans it might mean they
used to go out or they just brokeup."88888888 Sarah, age 9
"See if the man has lipstick on his face."88888888 Sandra, age 7
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. Theylike to order those because
it's just like how their hearts are 888 onfire."88888888 Christine, age 9
9TITLES OF THE LOVE BALLADS YOU CASIG TO YOUR BEL OVED
"'How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your ose?'"88888888 Arnold, age 10
"'You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.'"Lry, age 8 'I Love Hamburgers, I
Like You!'"88888888 Eddie, age 6
"'I Am in Love with You Most of the Time, but Don't Bother Me When I'mwith My Friends.'"88888
888 Bob, age 9
"'Hey, Baby, I Don't like Girls but I'm Willing to Forget You AreOne!'"88888888 Will, age 7
"'Honey, I Got Your Curly Hair and Your intendo on My Mind.'"88888888 Sharon, age 9

10
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THIKIG WHETHEY SAY "I LO VE YOU"
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope heshowers at least once a day."8
8888888 Michelle, age 9
"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finallygot it out and said it and
now they can go eat."Dick, age 7 HOW WAS KISSIG IVETED?
"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warmall over, and they didn't
always have electric heat or fireplaces oreven stoves in their houses."88888888 Gina, age 8
HOW A PERSO LEARS TO KISS
"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls."
188888888 Julia, age 7
"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the bestof you."88888888 Brian, age
7
"It might help to watch soap operas all day."88888888 Carin, age 9
WHE IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEOE?
"When they're rich."88888888 Pam, age 7 t's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all
over you ...That's why I stopped doing it."88888888 Tammy, age 10
"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a newperson, you have to ask
permission."88888888 Roger, age 6
2"I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it, but it'sa free country and nobody should
be forced to do it."88888888 Julia, age 10
HOW TO MAKE LOVE EDURESpend most of your time loving instead of going to work."Dick,
age 7 "Don't forget your wife's name ... That will mess up the love."88888888 Erin, age 8
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never takeout the trash."88888888
Dave, age 8
"Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind ... Love isn'tlike picking what movie
you want to watch."88888888 atalie, age 9
______________________________________________________________
3. A young man in a chinese cafe said to his date, "How would you like your rice?" She said,
"Thrown."
4. "Why haven't you darned my socks" the husband shouted at his wife. She responded,
"Because you won't buy me that new coat. I figure if you don't give a wrap, I won't give a darn."
5. He said, "Will you marry me and sail away on the sea of matrimony?" She said, "Sure, just as
soon as you have made a raft of money." Proving it is often true that when Romeo loses his
capital, Julia often loses her interest.
6. "Darling, I'm ruined. I lost my job. I'm bankrupt. I haven't a cent." "Don't worry sweetheart,
I'll always love you, even if I don't ever see you again."
7. Husband hunting is the only sport in which the animal caught has to buy the license.
I
I8LAWS
What You Can Do to Minimize In8Law Problems
by Glen O. JensonDepartment of Family & Human DevelopmentUtah State
University_________________________________________________________________
When a young couple marries, the primary task and challenge is toadjust to one another and
to build a loving marital relationship.Marriage and family counselors often find that a barrier to
buildingthat relationship can be traced to difficulty with the in8laws.
These problems can surface from any number of sources. They can beprimarily related to the
relationship between married children andtheir parents, or difficulties in relationships between
those who arerelated only as in8laws, or a combination of the two.
Whatever direction the conflict takes, the mother8in8law has thegreatest tendency of taking the
brunt of the blame for the problem.Evelyn Duvall, a noted researcher in the area of in8law
behavior,found from young couples who said their in8laws were sources ofconflict in their
marriage, that the mother8in8law was the source of
88 press pace for more, use arrow keys to move, '?' for help, 'q' to quit.2most problems, followed
by the sister8in8law, the brother8in8law, thefather8in8law, the daughter8in8law, and last the son8in8
law.
Some recently completed research at Utah State University provides uswith some good

guidance as to what a son or daughter8in8law orprospective son and daughter8in8law ought to do
to minimize thepossibilities of having in8law difficulties. These suggestions includesuch things
as:1. Gain approval for the marriage from parents on both sides if at all
possible.2. Meet regularly and associate with your prospective partner's familyprior to and
immediately following the marriage.3. Establish a separate dwelling place from parental families
on both sides. 4. Acquire some social activities that are similar and compatibl with
theparental family of your spouse or spouse8to8be.5. Frequently call your prospective or current
mother8 and father8in8law
an affectionate name. The closer to mother and father, the
better.6. Make your own decisions regarding finances, children, employment,
3 etc.
It is okay to ask for counsel from parents and in8laws, but makesure you make your own decision
in consultation with your spouse
or prospective spouse.7. When corresponding or responding to your prospective or current
mother8
and father8in8law, do so as a unit. Both should be addressed in
letters and visits.8. Remember that financial aid received from in8laws is often morethan a
gift of money. Make sure you know what strings, if any, are attached
to the money and abide by those expectations or decline the
financial aid.9. Look for and find some new ways to learn to like and appreciateyour
mother8 and father8in8law. You won't change them, so learn to
likethem.10. Refrain from telling mythical mother8in8law jokes. When making
references to your mother8 or father8in8law, do so in a positive
4
way.11. Pay public and private tribute to your in8laws where appropriate,makingsure you are
sincere in giving that tribute.12. Make your mother8 and father8in8law into grandparents after a
fewyearsof marriage.13. Recognize that a mother8 or father8in8law changes very slowly. Fault8
finding seldom, if ever, speeds the process.
In8laws need not be a major source of difficulty if concerted thoughtand planning go into
making and maintaining the relationship. Thepotential is there for conflict, yet the potential is
also there for avery dynamic, warm, satisfying relationship.
Often it is the little things you do in a relationship that make orbreak the newly8formed
association.
All too often sons and daughters8in8law stumble over their owninterests, feelings and
expectations concerning other people,especially in8laws. In8lawing need not be the problem it is
to many
5people.
I8LAWS
1. In8laws can be a source of trouble. My clinical experience indicates that in the early years of
marraige problems are cuased in about 40% of the cases by in8laws.
As the marriage grows and improves this decreases to an average of about 10% after twenty
years or so of marriage. In8laws thus become less important to a given marriage as time goes
on.
There are two major causes for in8law problems. One results when the parents do not
emtionally release their child. The second is caused by the child not emotionally breaking away
from the parent.
2. "But I am so unworthy of you dear," he murmured as he held her close to him.
"Oh, Fred," she sighed, "if you and father only agreed on every other point the way you do
on that, how happy we should be."888Selected.
IMAGIATIO
1. I am suggesting that both husband and wife must use their imagination to fall in love renew
romantic love, or keep aliveth eros love they now have. Remember that love must grow or die.
Imagination is perhaps the strongest natural power we possess. It furthers the emotions in the
same way that illustrations enlarge the impact of a book. It's as if we have movie screens in our
minds, and we own the ability to throw pictures on the screen88whatever sort of pictures we

choose. We can visualize thrilling, beautiful situations with out mates whenever we want to.
Try it. Select a moment of romantic feeling with your partner from the past, present, or
hoped8for future. As you begin to think about that feeling, your imagination goes to work with
visual pictures. Your imagination feeds your thoughts, strengthening them immeasurably; then
your thoughts intensify your feelings. This is how it works. Imagination is a gift from the
Creator to be used for good,, to help accomplihs His will in a hundred different ways. So build
romantic love on your side of the marriage by thinking about your partner, concentrating on
positive experiences and pleasures out of the past and then daydreaming, anticipating future
pleasure with your mate. The frequency and intensity of these positive , warm, erotic, tender
thoughts about your partner, strengthened by the imagination factor, will govern your success in
falling in love.
MMATURE
1. The last stage of human development is known as the adult stage. Only the mature adult has
the capacity to love; the immature idividual cannot love in the marriage relationship. Marriage is
for adults only. It is not for children, because marriage requires a love relationship between a
man and a woman. I have found many marriages based on "infatuation." There is nothing in
common between infatuation and love. They are two distinct and separate entities. Infatuation
does not lead to love. Love is not a result of infatuation. Infatuation is a mark of an immature
being. Love is a mark of mature being. To give and to receive love, we must be mature beings.
The immature being can neither give nor receive love because the immature being is self8
centered. The mature being can be other8person centered. The mature being can be other8
person centered . If an individual is infatuated with a person of the opposite sex, infatuation
must completely cease before love can ever begin. Love must be produced out of an entirely
different emotional soil than infatuation.
IFATUATIO
1. Dr. Henry Bowman in his book, Marriage for Moderns (McGraw8Hill Book Co. 1954), has
elaborated on these thirteen points. They are summerized here for your perusal.
1. Love grows, and all growth requires time. Infatuation may come suddenly.
2. Love grows out of an appraisal of all the know characteristics of the other
person. Infatuation may arise from an acquaintance with only a few or
only a few or only on of these characteristics.
3. Love is other8person8centered. It is out8going. It results in sharing.
Infatuation is self8centered.
4. Genuine love is centered on one person only. An infatuated individual
may be "in love" with two or more persons simultaneously.
5. An individual in love tends to have a sense of security and a feeling of
trust after considering everything involved in his relationship with the
other person. And infatuated individual tends to have a blind sense of
security based upon wishful thinking rather than upon careful consider8
ation, or he may have a sense of insecurity that is sometimes expressed
as jealousy.
6. An individual in love works for the other person or for their mutual bene8
fit. He may study to make the other person proud of him. His ambition
is spurred and he plans and saves for the future. He may daydream, but
his dreams are reasonably attainable. An infatuated person may lost his
ambition, his appetite, his interest in everyday affairs. He things of his
own misery. He often daydreams, but his dreams are sometimes not limit8
ed to the attainable and are given free rein. At times the dreams become
substitutes for reality and the individual lives in his world of dreams.
7. A couple in love face problems frankly and attempt to solve them. If there
are barriers to their getting married, these barriers are approached intell8
igently and removed. Such as cannot be removed may be circumvented,
but with the knowledge that what is done is deliberate circumvention. In
infatuation, problems tend to be disregarded or glossed over.
8. Love tens to be constant. Infatuation often varies wit the 'distance' be8
tween the couple.

9. Physical attraction is a relatively smaller part of their total relationship
when a couople are in love, a relatively greater part when they are infat8
uated.
10. When a couple are in love, any physcial contact that they have tends to
have meaning as well as to be a pleasureable experience in and of itself.
It tends to express what they feel toward each other. In infatuation, phy8
sical contact tends to be an end in itself. It represents only pleasureable
experience devoid of meaning.
11. In love an expression of affection tends to come relatively late in the
couple's relationship. In infatuation it may come earlier, sometimes
from the very beginnning.
12. Love tends to endure. Infatuation may change suddenly, unexpectedly,
unpredictably.
13. A couple in love are not indifferent to the effects of postponing their
wedding and do not prolong the period of postponement unduly, but they
can wait a reasonable time; they do not feel an almost irresistible urge
toward haste. An infatuated couple tend to feel an urge toward immed8
iate marriage. Postponement is intolerable to them and they interpret it
as deprivation rather than preparation.
Remember we were born to hate; let's learn to love. Marriage can stand no less, because love is
its essence.
ISPIRATIO
"Because" by Steven ReiserBecause we have things in commonWe have the joy of sharing them
Because we are so differentThere is so much we can learn from each other
Because we love each other
We look for the good in the other
Because we are forgivingWe overlook the faults in each other
Because we are patientWe give each other time to understand
Because we are filled with kindnessWe compliment the things we do for each other
Because we can empathizeWe know what it's like to stand in each other's shoesBecause we
have characterWe enjoy each other's uniqueness
Because we have faithWe believe in the best for the future
Because we are honestWe are comfortable to trust
. Because we are filled with loyaltyWe always know the other will be there ITIMACY
Falling in love is exciting, but staying in love is even more exciting. Falling in love is like the
4th of July, but staying in love is like patriotism. It is not just an event, but a value that covers
all events. We can have a terrible 4th of July, and yet still love our country. Falling in love is not
something you plan ahead of time, but staying in love is a choice and a challenge that you
commit yourself to, and invest time, money, and labor. This is what intimacy is all about.
When you marry, you choice to value intimacy over variety. You choose to specialize, and
instead of knowing a lot of the opposite sex in general, you strive to know a lot about one of the
opposite sex in particular. The single person is a general practitioner, but the married person is a
specialist in love. J. Allen Petersen wrote, "There is no love in marriage; love is in people, and
people put it into marriage. There is no romance in marriage; people have to infuse it into their
marriages." The point is, couples need to work at intimacy. It does not just happen.
The number one problem brought into this world by the fall is "The intimacy crisis." Man has
an inability to be close to God, his mate, others, and even himself. The ultimate failure of
intimacy is hell, which is total aloneness, with no relationships whatever. The ultimate goal of
salvation is eternal oneness with God and all others. The great universal battle of light and
darkness, good and evil, love and hate is the battle for intimacy. In short, the goal of life is to
develop greater intimacy. "The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever." That
is the ultimate intimacy.
Ed Wheat in Secret Choices writes, "Medical doctors have found that an intimate relationship
between a husband and wife can determine how well that couples masters the crisis of life. A

high degree of intimacy can also provide shelter and relief from the ordinary tensions of life. Life
becomes richer and more colorful when shared with an intimate partner; it offers love and
laughter, pleasure and stability. In fact, we believe the secret of staying in love for any married
couple can be summed up in this one potent word: Intimacy."
Steven A, Hammon wrote, "God created us, I believe, with a deep, instinctive need for
intimacy...........Reports from concentration and prisoner8of8war camps indicate that people who
had had meaningful relationships with even one other person stood a far better chance of
survival than those who shut others out."
Dr. C. Edward Crowther writes, "About ten years ago I conducted a study of people who
were dying in hospices and orthodox hospitals in the U.S. and England........I talked at length to
each of the almost two hundred people in my statistical population sample. They were open and
kind with me, and I was very grateful for their time. When I asked each person individually what
mattered most in life, around ninety percent answered intimate relationships." He goes on, "In
my practice of psychotherapy, I see many, many people every year. Most have symptoms of
anxiety or depression, or they are beset with behavioral disorders such as over indulance in
drugs, alcohol, food, or work. Increasingly I'm finding the absence of intimacy is the common
denominator in the analysis and treatment of people with these and many other symptoms."
Zig Zigler tells of the Indian who discovered oil in Oklahoma, and went from proverty to great
riches. Everyday he went to town in his new Cadillac. He was the safest driver in that whole
area, because he had his Cadillac pulled by two horses. He hated machines, and so he never
learned to start it. He used it like a carriage. This seems very wierd to us, but there are parallels
in our lives. Many never learn to use their VCR or their computer. We are often content with the
external value of machines, but never care to get into the inner workings of them. This is true of
marriage also. We pay a lot of attention to the externals of the wedding and the home, but very
little to the intimacy of the mates.
Intimacy can be difficult to capture. It is like the formations in the clouds. You see the dog,
but by the time you get someones attention to look, it has faded. They are constantly shifting
and hard to capture. So it is with intimacy. ow you have it and now you don't. Intimacy is
based on self8disclosure. That is why it is often easier to talk to a stranger than to your mate.
After a few years in marriage, mates often feel there is nothing left to share. To counteract this,
mates must be sharing new feelings, new convictions, and up to the minute perspectives on
many aspects of life.
Howard and Charlotte Clinebell in their book, The Intimate Marriage say, "Intinacy is not so
much a matter of what or how much is shared as it is the degree of mutual need8satisfaction
within the relationship." Mates need to feed each others body, mind, and spirit. The food that
nourishes all three is the honest sharing of your own inner being. Wives tend to need this more
than husbands. Men tend to think of intimacy as sex, but wives tend to think of it as all the
talking and affection that prepares them to enjoy sex.
ITIMACY
1. Dr. Ruben writes, "...the single most important characteristic of a deep relationship is a
shared personal history. The partners history together, whatever its length, is of prime
importance to them. Shared history has little value to people who are involved only
superficially.....Reverence for these parts of their life's experience that they shared88problems,
frustrations, tragedies, accomplishments, change, growth, hurts, joys, exchanges with other
people88is crucial in deep relationships.
2. This is the sugar in the cookies and cake. Leave this out of any recipe and you can count on
a flop. Men like intimacy but women love it and this a major difference in the sexes. Women are
more personal and that is why they do not enjoy sports as much. They see it as hard to develop
a close relationship in the ring or on the football field. Men are more goal orinented and love the
challenge of over coming obstacles to get to a goal. This has sexual implications in that men
being goal orinented are eager to reach the end rather than enjoy the trip. In travel the man

tends to want to get there and the woman tends to want to enjoy getting there. When mates
play the role of the other it can add spice to their marriage.
3. Bruce Larson says sex is not the means to union, but a way of expressing it. Those who
expect to find oneness in sex will be dissappointed. Sex is an expression of a oneness already
felt. Love, then, is the key to sex and not vice versa.
4. You cannot anchor a ship with a string, for it demands a rope and a rope is a strong thick cord
made by twisting smaller cords together. A rope does not just happen, it has to be made. So the
rope that hold a couple together has to be made by weaving together many smaller experiences
of intimacy.
5. Way back in 1970 Alvin Toffler in his book Future Shock said we are befoming a moduler
society where people are like components we plug in or take out to meet our needs. We do not
get personally involved in many peoples lives that serve us. I do not care who waits on me at the
grocery store. If they replace these people I may not ever notice. I have almost no degree of
intimacy with these people even theough they meet a need I have. They are interchangeable and
disposible like parts of a machine. This happens even in marriage where mates just use each
other to meet needs but do not develop intimacy. We fear intimacy for if we open up that can be
information that can be used to hurt us.
6. Intimacy means being fully at home with someone. It is where I am free to be completely
myself without fear of rejection. It is fear of rejection that causes us to hide from another.
When I am loved without fear I do not fear to love others. It frees me from the need of paying
attention to myself and worrying about whether I am lovable.
7. Mariyn Monroe playing Roslyn in the Misfits says of her cold husband she is going to divorce,
"He wasn't there. I mean, you could touch him but he wasn't there." Closeness in itself does
not produce intimacy. A pile of football players is close but there is no intimacy. There is a
craving for intimacy, but there is also a cost, and because of that cost there is a great deal of
escape from intimacy. Promiscious sex is an escape from intimacy, but appears to be an addition
to intimacy. But what people are trying to do is to get intimacy without paying the price. They
want a quick fix and sex seems like the way to get it. But it is an unwillingness to pay the cost of
developing a close relationship with another person. Sex without love is bargain basement
intimacy. Simon and Garfunkel sang to the youth of the 60's, "If I never loved, I never would
have cried... I touch no one and no one touches me..I am a rock, I am an island...And a rock
feels no pain, and an island never cries." The message is don't fall in love and get involved with
people in depth, for it is costly and it can hurt. The way to be free is to escape intimacy.
8. Webster has these definitions:
1. Marked by very close association, contact or familiarity.
2. Marked by a warm friendship developing through long association.
3. Of a very personal or private nature.
Intimacy is very subjective and for some it means sharing your ideas of what kind of car you
like, and for others it is sharing how you feel about nudity in the kitchen. If you need to talk
about the price of corn in Kansas, then one who has that same interest will provide you with
intimacy. Intimacy happens to us when we feel a sense of affirmation in a relationship. When
others share their weaknesses with us we feel a sense of intimacy, but when they hide behind a
shield of superiority intimacy is impossible.
9. Daniel Wilknis said, "The anxiety of nonbelonging is perhaps the deepest of all known
anxieties." Anyone who makes us feel we belong produces intimacy.
10. Intimacy is when people love each other in spite of all their defects and inperfections.
Infatuation is when you only love the ideal. In courtship we present a highly edited version of
ourselves. We cover the blemishes and hide the defects, but all is revealed in marriage, and this
is when real intimacy begins.
11. Dr. John Trimble in Hard To Achieve wrote, "My hypothesis is that not many people
experience intimacy although most people profess that they would like to. ot every person is
even capable of achieving intimacy as discussed in Chapter 3. Apparently, from observing the
behavior of people, most couples are not willing to set aside the necessary time and to invest
sufficient energy to improve their capacity for intimacy or to work on intimacy with their partner.
As a result, few couple acheive much intimacy often. That has to be my conclusion. I find no
writers who disagree with what I am saying here, although they do not state the case as
pointedly as I do.
12. Lowell & Carol Erdahl in Be Good To Each Other wrote, "A wife once told of her problem in

marriage. She first bragged about her husband. He was an excellent provider and was faithful
and kind. He was good with the children and she had no doubt of his love. "There is just one
little thing, "she said, "he doesn't talk to me." Subsequent conversation is revealed that wasn't
literally true. He did talk about some things. He said, "Please pass the potatoes,"and "What
movie would you like to see tonight?" He talked about painting the house and going to the ball
game but he did not share what was in his deepest heart. He didn't confide his personal
thoughts or feelings. As the months and years passed, she began to feel as if she were living
with a stranger.
Sharing in depth seems especially difficult for some people who have been brought up in
families where they keep everything to themselves. Some men seem to feel that the telling of
personal thoughts and feelings is a sign of weakness or a threat to their manhood. Even to say,
"I love you" is to confess the need of another person, which some, in their fear of becoming
dependent, find difficult to do.
Yet whatever our patterns of past isolation may be, something in us yearns for a relationship
in which we can be open and honest with each other. While inhibitions keep us from sharing
freely, yearnings for intimacy invite us t risk saying something that will help break the defensive
wall that keeps us a lonely stranger separated from the one we love.
There are ways in which these defenses can be broken. The woman who complained that
"he doesn't talk to me" told her husband of her anguish and was surprised that he was open to
visiting with a third person, in whose presence they were able to make a new beginning in their
relationship. She learned that there were some ways in which she contributed to her husband's
silence and others by which she made it easier for him to be more open. We sometimes
encourage and enable the very behavior and attitudes in each other which we most dislike. We
may, for example, complain of the slient partner and yet so ridicule his or her feeble attempts at
sharing that he or she is put down into retreating to a safer solitude. Or, while complaining of
too much nagging and bickering, we do all sorts of things that continue to provoke it.
13. Dr. C. Edward Crowtuer wrote, "The more intimate I get with you, the more vulnerable I
become. The more you get to know me, the more I am likely to lose you because to know me is
not to love me.
If you know me less well, you might love me more.
If you know me too intimately, you will realize how inadequate I am, how fearful I am, how
lonely I am, how worthless I am, how unlovable I am, how lonely I am, and what a loser I feel
that I really am. I am not worthy to be loved by anybody, especially someone as marvelous as
you.
J
JEALOUSY
1. H.L. Mencken, "The way to hold a husband is to keep him a little bit jealous. The way to lose
him is to keep him a little bit more jealous."
2. Crimes of passion are almost always a matter of jealousy. Even modern liberated couples feel
deep hurt when a mate is unfaithful.It is a legitimate aspect of love for if you love you long for it
to be exclusive.
3. Jealously is always a reflection of low self8esteem.
People who value themselves don't waste time worrying about being replaced, but when you
need another person to feel good about yourself, you cintinally fear losing that other person.
This borrowed self8worth is fleeting, the stuff of infatuation. It is fragile,the first casualty of
doubt.
The desperate possessiveness of jealous lovers always has more to do with the fear of losing
self8worth than it does with losing a partner. Jealous mates see their partners as necessary
proofs of their worth, as adornments to their personality, not as individuals. Jealous people seek
to possess their partners and display their ownerhship. They are not saying "Look what I have,
how wonderful my partner is," but rathre "See, I must be wonderful to have a partner like this."
Ther partners resent them for thi slack of acknowledgement and for using htem. ot
surprisingly, a jealous person is easily emarrassed when his or her partner looks bad.
Being with a jealous partner almost always feels bad. When jealous partners feel insecure,
they imagine you are rejecting them. And should you need their support, you've likely to

frighten them or be rejected as an embarrassment. For life to flow smoothly with jealous lovers,
everything must be perfect, for they mininterpret everything. Their insecurity prompts them not
only to exaggerate their partner's faults, but to take offense at the slightest negative nuance.
Getting a second8rate talbe in a restaruant is reason enough to precipitate a heated argument,
the basis of which is often: "If you really loved me, you would have done better." They relate
everything that happens to themselves. They are so self8conscious they think other people are
watching their every move, and so any shortcoming they can perceive in their partner's behavior
they immediately believe others also see and regard as an insult to them. To make matters
worse, jealous people tend to be unforgiving and their memories long. Even when an old would
seems healed, the orginial pain can be recalled wit minimal provacation and the distorted
accusations begin again.
4. An old story tells of a hermit whose sancity made him impervious to the assaults of all the
demons assigned to tempt him. Finally, the devil himself decided to take a hand and whispered
that the hermit's brother had just been made Bishop of Alenandria. Sadly, the saint who had
withstood all other temptations, fell into the sin of jealously.
It is typical of the complexities of human nature, that often the person with least grounds for
envy is the one who suffers the agony o fthis 'rebel emotion'. Frequently it is the gifted man
who is jealous of the oclleague who is only marginally more competent: the beautiful woman
who envies the one woman in a large company who outshines her.
5. He was either a cynic or a courageous man who admitted, 'I find no difficulty in sympathising
with my friends in their misfortune; what is difficult is sympathising with them in their good
fortune.'
Few can be as honest as this about their jealousies, or even rise to the self8revelation of the
prayer by Thomas Fuller" 'Lord, I perceive my soul deeply guilty of envy....I had rather Thy work
were undone than done better by another than by myself!....Dispossess me, Lord, of this bad
spirit, and turn my envy into holy emulation;.....yea, make other men's gift to be mine, by
making me thankful to Thee for them.
6. First, we need definition of jealousy. Jealousy is that quality, state of mind, or feeling which
expresses itself in an inordinate possessiveness, a resentful suspicion, or a demand for exclusive
loyalty. Jealousy is often akin to coveting, which is an ardent desire to have something which
someone else has. Coveting is virtually synonymous with envy, although envy is often
understood as a prelude to jealousy. Jealousy can become paranoid when one takes what he or
she "imagined" and accepts that for reality. Technically, as Harry Stack Sullivan notes, jealousy
involves three or more persons and envy involves only two. However, for the purpose of this
discussion, we are going to include envy as a part of jealousy.
What does the Bible have to say about jealousy? In Scripture, jealousy, depending on the
context, can be eithre negative or positive. egatively, it can mean, for instance, a jealous
hatred of one person for another. Prositively, it refers to the zeal of a person, for example, a
man being "jealous for" something, such as a closer walk with god. Also, God is often described
as being jealous in that he demands the exclusive loyalty of his people. Although we will note
the positive meaning of jealousy or zeal for God as an antidote to the negative meaning of
jealousy, it is the negative meaning of jealousy that we will concern ourselves with here, since,
for most of us, that is where the struggle comes.
Of this negative menaing of jealousy in interpersonal relationships, the Bible has much to say.
A deeper understanding of jealousy is gained when we discover that the root meaning of the
Hebrew word for jealousy seems to be "to become red in the face." Jealousy involves anger and
can involve wrath. In Ezekiel 36:5, the Rievised Standard Version translates wrath as "hot
jealousy." In the song of Solomon (8:6), jealousy is described as being as "cruel as the grave."
According to a number of scriptural references, it can lead to spiritual death. The tenth
commandment is the prohibition against coveting, which seems to warn against harboring
covetousness which can lead to the sins mentioned in the previous commandments888murder,
adultery, stealing, and bearing false witness.
7. I didn't know that anybody could hurt so much and live. I suppose it's jealousy. I didn't
know it was like this. I though jealousy was an idea. It isn't. It's a pain. But I don't feel as
they do in Broadway melodrama. I don't want to kill anybody. I just want to die.
888A man in Floyd Dell's novel of reminiscences
Love in Greenwich Village.
8. Is jealousy evidence of love or of self8love? This question has perplexed philosophers for

centuries and "authoritative" testimony can be found for both positions. Generally speaking
however, it seems that religous authoirities (and those strongly influenced by organized religion)
are most likely to see jealousy as evidence of love. For example, St. Augustine: "He that is not
jealous is not in love." Secular thinkers seem more apt to take the opposite point of view. for
example, La Rochefoucauld: "Jealousy springs more from love of self than from love of another."
An additional polarization on this question may be noted. The notion that jealousy is evidence of
love (and, thus, a virtue) is part of the conventional wisdom subscribed to by very large numbers
of people. The view that jealousy is an expression of self8love (and, thus a defect) is endorsed
by numerous, "experts": psychologists, sociogists, and moral philosphers.
9. The French moralist La Rochefoucauld to suggest that
Jealousy is somehow right and rational, since it aims at keeping something
that belongs to us, whereas envy is a rage that cannot tolerate possession
by someone else (in Foster 1972:189).
Of course, it is possible to be both envious and jealous of the same person: the two emotions,
though conceptually distinct, are often mixed together in real life.
10. Popular opinion is also divided on this question. Some people beleive that jealousy is
"natural" and, therefore, ineradicable. Others insist that jealousy, like racial prejudice, is "taught"
to us by our parnets, our peers, and the human institutions in which we live an dmove and have
our being. Generally speaking, persons who view jealous as "good" or "normal" emphasize its
natural roots. Persons who view it as "bad" or "pathological" stress the cultural patterning of
jealousy and the possibility of unleaning or relearning some of what we have been taught about
it. Constuctive conversation about jealousy often breaks down because one party views jealousy
as instinctive and the other views it as learned.
Several of the articles in this book address this question, and the reader will be guided toward
his/her own formulation of the extent to which jralous is instinctive and the extent to which it is
learned. For now, the editors wish only to introduce the possiblity that, in this debate, both sides
may be right. Perhaps jeallous is both instinctive and learned888and perhaps every attempt to
argue for one or the other interpretation of the phenomenon ought to be viewed as an empahsis
rather than as an adequte description. In both scholarly and nonschholarly contexts the word
jealoys is used to name both the instinctive biological impulse one feels when access to or control
over one's partner is threatened and the culturally patterned feellings and behaviors which issue
from that impulse. Thus, the debate over whether jealousy is instinctive or learned may be a
misplaced debate. An adequate understanding of jealousy must include consideration of both
elements.....and of the dialectical relationship between the two.
JOY
1. Paul Pearsall in Super Joy wrote, " THE STAGES OF JOY DEVELOPMET
Joy Stage One: Status Joy. Joy with just being alive, with the wonder of a general contentment
in just "being." Babies coo, gurgle, and emit other little announcements of their joy in just
"being."
Joy Stage Two: Reactive Joy. Laughter and giggling at body processes such as unination,
defecation, and the passing of air. This is a recongition type of joy, celebrating everything from
burps to bubbles.
Joy Stage Three: Care8taker Joy. Recognition of the care taker and a gleeful greeting of her or
his presence. Babies let their joy in the parent's presence be clearly known, and any attempt at
separation brings a strong protest at the disruption, of this profound joyfulness.
Joy Stage Four: Interpersonal Joy. Laughter and smiling with people other than the care taker.
Joy Stage Five: Peer Joy. Screaming and laughing with joy with other children.
Joy Stage Six: Object Joy. Enjoying toys, pictures, and environmental stimulation such as
storybooks, flowers, cars, and trains.

Joy Stage Seven: Self8joy. The capacity to celebrate the child's own activities and
accomplishements. At this phase, the child is ulnerable to sanctions againt geing "too happy"
with herself or himself.
Joy Stage Eight: Matching Joy. Laughter and smiling because others seem joyful.
This is the stage at which an empathy with the joy of others and a joy in causing joy in other
emerges.
Joy Stage ine: Measured JOy. A major joy developmental transition stage, this is the time
when the child learns just how much joy a person is supposed to have and show and where and
how it should be shown. Joyful role models are most important here, and you may want to ask
yourself if you are modeling joy as a parent and hwo you joy model was or is.
Joy State Ten: Dispositional Joy. Super joy style of delight weith life. If there were a medical
term for this stage, it would be something like "status joyous," as the person integrated all of the
above phrases of joy development into his or her own personality joy character.
K
KISS
"Love's Philosophy" by Percy B. Shelley
The Fountains mingle with the Rivers And the Rivers with the Oceans,The winds of Heaven mix
foreverWith a sweet emotion; othing in the world is single;All things by a law divine In one
spirit meet and mingle.Why not I with thine? 88See the mountains kiss high Heaven And the
waves clasp one another; o sister8flower would be forgiven If it disdained its brother, And the
sunlight clasps the earth And the moonbeams kiss the sea:What is all this sweet work worth If
thou kiss not me?
KISSIG
1. Marcel Proust wrote, "Ah, in those earliest days of love how naturally the kisses spring into life.
How closely, in their abundance, are they pressed one asgainst another; until lovers would find it
as hard to count the kisses exchanged in an hour, as to count the flowers in a meadow in May."
2. There's a jolly Saxon proverb
That is pretty much like this88
That a man is half in heaven
If he has a woman's kiss.
There is danger in delaying,
For the sweetness may forsake it;
So I tell you , bashful lover,
If you want a kiss, why, take it.
ever let another fellow
Steal a march on you in this;
ever let a laughing maiden
See you spoiling for a kiss.
There's a royal way to kissing,
And the jolly ones who make it
Have a motto that is winning,888
If you want a kiss, take it.
Any fool may face a cannon,
Anybody wear a crown,
But a man must win a woman
If he'd have her for his own.
Would you have the golden apple,
You must find the tree and shake it;
If the thing is worth the having,
And you want a kiss, why, take it.

Who would burn upon a desert
With a forest smiling by?
Who would change his sunny summer
For a bleak and wintry sky?
Oh, I tell you there is magic,
And you cannot, cannot break it;
For the sweetest part of loving
Is to want to kiss, and take it.
4. Guinness Book of World Records says that the record for the longest kiss is held by Eddie
Levin and Delphine Crha of Chicago. Their lingering smooch lasted from Sept. 4 to Sept. 22,
1984; total time 17 days, 10 and one half hours.
5. Some Germans insurance companies and psychologists have found a correlation between
work attitudes and a morning goodbye kiss. Studies show that men who do not kiss their wives
goodbye are apt to be moody, depressed and disinterested in their jobs. But kissing husbands
start off the day on a positive note. This positive attitude results in more efficient and safer
driving practices. Kissing husbands live five years longer thantheir less romantic counterparts.
However, kissing nay be more a consequence than a cause of a happy life situation. The
subject warrants continued investigation by every husband and wife.
6.
KIDESS
1. This is to be a part of all aspects of love. A woman wrote to Ann Landers, "My husband says
I'm a cold fish, and maybe I am, but how can I be otherwise? Sex to him is about as romantic as
a sneeze. When he's through, he's through. o word of love, no pat of tenderness, no sign of
warmth or affection. Two minutes later he's snoring his head off." This is not kind and therefore
not loving. When mates are kind and communicate it sex is good and when they do not sex is
bad.
2. One mother had developed the habit of being cross and complaining. Away from the family
she was all sweetness and light. One night after she was expecially irritable, she heard her small
child pray, Dear God, make mommy love me like she does the people we visit.
At first she thought the prayer was funny. She told it to her husband. He looked at her with
a serious expression. Then he said, YOu do not treat us with the courtesy you show to business
people and our friends. It was a turning point for this mother.
3. Fredrick W. Faber wrote, Kind words are the music of the wolrd. They have the power which
seems to be beyond natural causes, as if they were some angel's song which had lost its way and
come on earth. It seems as if they could almost do what in reality God alone can do888soften the
hard and angry hearts of men.
4.
L
LAGUAGE
1. Yes, show people have their own laughs, their own fun, their own circle, and their own
language. They are very easy to love and understand.
When he says, "I killed 'em last night," he doesn't mean he shot anybody; he just means he
murdered 'em.....That is, he broke up the joint. Which doesn't mean he wrecked the place; he
just tore the house down.
When we say, "We fractured 'em" that doesn't mean we broke anybody's arm; it just means
we knocked 'em for a loop.
When an actor says, "I had'em in the aisles," to some people it might mean some of the
audience were sitting there or that they were walking out or that there was a crap game going
on. But to a mugg in showbiz it means he crucified em.....Which doesn't mean he nailed
anybody to a cross.....it just mean he slayed 'em!!
2.
LEAVIG

1. Ethel Person in Dreams Of Love and Fateful Encounters wrote, "Deep love always separares
us from what has gone before; one might even say that it part of its function. When the lover
commits herself to the beloved, he chooses a new life; he leaves the preordained world of the
family into which he was born (or the life he has created for himself, which has since come to
feel stifling) and leaps forward into the world he and his beloved will create together. In
choosing our lovers the, we select much more than a person. We make a path choice and 88if
we are young enough88a choice that may shape the future development of self.
LETTIG GO
1. Elizabeth Brenner in her book Winning by Letting Go gives illustrations of men who would not
let their wives take risks by letting them go back to school. They might fail and get hurt and so
the would not allow it. Later the wife leaves them to go back and have a life of her own and not
under his control. They lose their wives by not letting go. Presidents Johnson and ixon would
not be the first president to lose a war. they would not let go and the result was tragic loss of
life. Letting go can be the most loving and wise thing to do.
LISTEIG
I am married to a woman who thinks worry can be a virtue, Many years ago she was worried
the house was on fire. I sat by the fireplace reading the paper wondering why her head was
filled with such nonsense. "Of course you smell smoke." I said, "The fireplace has been burning
all day." She quieted down for
awhile, but soon she was back on her theme and said again, "I smell smoke." I ignored her as
long as I could. But when I saw smoke coming up through the carpet, I thought maybe she has
a point. I called the fire department, and a truck was there in minutes. Sure enough, the raffers
were on fire under the fireplace, and our whole house would have burned had we left as we had
planned.
A few weeks ago I was in charge of cooking a turkey on the grill. A rerun of a great tennis
game was on TV, and I was glued to it. Lavonne began her worry wart fear that I was
neglecting the turkey. What a joke I thought. I have never burned anything on a grill, and the
match wood soon be over. "Just a minute" I kept saying for about ten minutes. Finally it was
over, and with no sense of urgency I walked out on the deck and opened the grill. I was in
instant panic. The bottom of the turkey was on fire. The flames was fierce as the grease was
feeding them. I couldn't believe it. I shut the lid and closed the vent, but still it burned. I
turned off the electricity and pulled the plug, but it had no effect on the fire. Lavonne finally
threw some baking powder on it and put it out. The entire bottom of the turkey was burned
black , but fortunately the rest was okay, and we fed ten people and had left overs. Another few
minutes, however, and it would have been a total loss.
The point of all this is, by not listening to my wife's fears I almost lost a house and all our
belongings, and a turkey a half hour before company arrived. Lavonne could probably call to
mind a few other times in which I did not listen. In fact, I think the words "You never listen to
me" are recored several places in my brain. How many husbands have heard such words from
the mouth of their mate? What about wives who have heard it from husbands? Even bad things
can be funny things to remember long after they are past. Share with your mate the dumb
things you have done because you didn't listen.
Let's recognize that even God has this problem with His people. They often will not listen to
His word and have to suffer the consequences. Getting people to listen is a major problem of the
entire universe, and God is working on it all the time. Many of the Proverbs deal with this issue.
Here are just a couple of them:
Prov. 8:32834 ow then, my sons, listen to me; blessed are those who keep my ways. Listen to
my instruction and be wise; do not ignore it. Blessed is the man who listens to me...
Prov. 13:1 A wise son heeds his father's instruction, but a mocker does not listen to rebuke.
Prov. 15:31 He who listens to a living giving rebuke will be at home among the wise.
Prov. 18:13 He who answers before listening8that is his folly and his shame.

There are many others, but these make it clear that good listening is a part of wisdom, and
poor listening is a part of folly. Men are more likely to be the one who does not listen in a
marriage. I am a one track8minded person, and if TV is on you only have a 50850 chance of
communicating with me. If it's the news, your chances are greatly diminished. If it's football,
forget it. Men can hear the sound of their mate talking, but not the message, unless the
message is something they really don't want to hear.
For example, a wife was talking to her husband as he read the paper. She knew he was not
listening, so she said, "I want you to know I've invited the president for dinner tomorrow." He
said, "Yes dear." She said, "I think our daughter might be pregnant." He again responded, "Yes
dear." She said, "I have a date with your boss tonight." He said, "Fine dear." She said, "Give
me 60 dollars for a new dress." He responded, "What! Are you kidding8you don't need a new
dress!" Selective listening is not all bad, for there is a lot of sound we don't need to interpret,
but any sound from one we love should be processed.
Talking is not communication without listening. God has spoken to man, but they do not
hear it is the same as if He had not spoken. That is why one of the most common sayings of
Jesus was, "He who has ears to hear let him hear." A message has no value or power unless it is
listened to with understanding. ot everyone can be a speaker, but everyone can be a listener,
and by good listening make a major difference in life. Someone said, "God gave us two ears and
one mouth which hints we are to listen twice as much as we talk."
Advice for wives in listening to their husbands:
1. ever repeat what he says in private unless he says it is okay.
2. Listen with interest and encourage him to share feelings about issues.
3. Do not jump to conclusions and interrupt.
4. Even if you disagree, acknowledge that you understand. Do not disappove or
blame, but simply acknowledge the reality of what he feels.
LITTLE THIGS
Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens. A good marriage must be created.In
the art of marriage the little things are the big things....It is never being too old to hold hands.It
is remembering to say "I love you" at least once each day.It is never going to sleep angry.It is at
no time taking the other for granted; the courtship shouldn't end with the honeymoon, it should
continue through all the years.It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives; it is
standing together facing the world.It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family.It
is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy.It is
speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.It is not
expecting the husband to wear a halo or the wife to have the wings of an angel.It is not looking
for perfection in each other. It is cultivating
flexibility, patience, understanding and a sense of humor.It is having the capacity to forgive and
forget.It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow.It is finding room for things
of the spirit. It is a common search forthe good and the beautiful.It is establishing a relationship
in which the independence is equal,the dependence is mutual and the obligation is reciprocal.It is
not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner.
LOVE
DEFIITIOS:
1. "Love is a feeling you feel when you feel like your going to feel a feeling like you never felt
before."
2. Love is an ocean of emotion.
3.Love if biology set to music.
LEVELS:
Descartes distinguishes between levels of love. If we have less regard for the other than for

ourself, we have affection. If we have equal regard for the other as for ourself, we have
friendship. If we have a greater regard for the other than for ourself, we have devotion, which is
the highest form of love.
"O Tell Me the Truth About Love" by W.H. Auden Some say love's a little boy, And some say it's a
bird,
Some say it makes the world go around,Some say that's absurd,And when I asked the man
next8door,Who looked as if he knew,His wife got very cross indeed,And said it wouldn't do.
Does it look like a pair of pajamas,Or the ham in a temperance hotel? Does its odour remind
one of llamas, Or has it a comforting smell? Is it prickly to touch as a hedge is,Or soft as
eiderdown fluff? Is it sharp or quite smooth at the edges? O tell me the truth about love.
Our history books refer to it In cryptic little notes, It's quite a common topic onThe
Transatlantic boats;I've found the subject mentioned in accounts of suicides,
And even seen it scribbled onThe backs of railway guides.
Does it howl like a hungry Alsatian,Or boom like a military band?Could one give a first8rate
imitation On a saw or a Steinway Grand?Is its singing at parties a riot?Does it only like Classical
stuff? Will it stop when one wants to be quiet? tell me the truth about love.
I looked inside the summer8house;
t'wasn't over there;I tried the Thames at Maidenhead,And Brighton's bracing air.I don't know
what the blackbird sang,Or what the tulip said;But it wasn't in the chicken8run,Or underneath the
bed.
Can it pull extraordinary faces?
Is it usually sick on a swing?Does it spend all its time at the races,or fiddling with pieces of
string?Has it views of its own about money?Does it think Patriotism enough?Are its stories vulgar
but funny? tell me the truth about love.
When it comes, will it come without warningJust as I'm picking my nose?Will it knock on my
door in the morning,Or tread in the bus on my toes?Will it come like a change in the
weather?Will its greeting be courteous or rough?Will it alter my life altogether?O tell me the truth
about love.
"Sonnet #116" by ShakespeareLet me not to the marriage of true minds admit impedimentsLove
is not love which alters when it alterations find or bends withthe remover to removeO no, it is an
ever fixed mark, which looks on tempests and is never
8shaken. It is the star to every wandering bark, whose worth's unknownthough his height be
taken.Love is not times' fool, though rosy lips and cheeks within hisbending sickle's compass
come,Love alters not with it's brief hours or weeks, but bears it out, eventothe edge of doom. If
this be error and upon me proved, I never writ,and no man ever loved
"Sonnet XLIII" by Elizabeth Barrett BrowningHow do I love thee? Let me count the ways.I love
thee to the depth and breadth and heightMy soul can reach, when feeling out of sightFor the
ends of Being and ideal Grace.I love thee to the level of everyday'sMost quiet need, by sun and
candlelight.I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;I love thee purely, as they turn from
Praise.I love thee with the passion put to useIn my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.I
love thee with a love I seemed to loseWith my lost saints 88 I love thee with the breath,Smiles,
tears, of all my life! 88 and, if God choose,I shall but love thee better after death.
"True love is a sacred flame that burns eternally
and none can dim its special glow or change its destiny
True love speaks in tender tones and hears with gentle ear
True love gives with open heart and true love conquers fear
true love makes no harsh demands it neither rules nor binds
and true love holds with gentle hands the hearts that it entwines
"
author unknown
"When Love is Found"

When love is found and hope comes home,
Sing and be glad that two are one.
When love explodes and fills the sky,
Praise God and share our Maker's joy. When love has flowered in trust and care,
Build both each day, that love may dare
To reach beyond home's warmth and light,
To serve and strive for truth and right.
When love is tried as loved ones change,
Still hold to hope though all seems strange,
Till ease returns and love grows wise
Through listening ears and opened eyes.
When love is torn and trust betrayed,
Pray strength to love till torments fade,
Till lovers keep no score of wrong
But hear through pain love's Easter song.
Praise God for love, praise God for life,
In age or youth, in husband, wife.
Lift up your hearts; let love be fed
Through death and life in broken bread.
author unknown
LISTEIG
1. The wife of a doctor told her four year old son that daddy was out of town at a medical
convention and that he would have to be the man of the house. He immediately sat down in his
father's big reclining chair and solemnly announced, "Okey, I'm listening."
2. Dwight Harvey Small writes, " T.S. Eliot in the Cocktail Party decribes the feelings of two
people who consider the other is not listening. "One of the most infuriating things about you,
"Edward says to his wife Lavina, "has always been your perfect assurance that you understood
me better than I understand myself>" To which Lavina has a sharp comeback: "And the more
infuriating thing about you has always been your placid assumptin that I wasn't worth the
trouble of understanding." Apparently neither had the feeling of being listened to.
Disturbed communication indicates a pathological condition. A husband and wife relationship
cannot survive without a minimum degree of commicative success. ot to communicate is to
become alienated, to be unable to participate in another's life. Aliensted people cannot listen to
one another. The alienated cannot communicate; the noncommunicating are alienated; it is a
vicious circle. Given time, the accumlated frustration and resentment that accompanies poor
communication will cause two married persons to quit listening to each other altogether.
Dialogue then ceases to exist, which is tantamount to emotional divorce. To shut off one's life
and become inwardly inaccessible, to deprive a husband or wife of the means of commincation, is
to say, "I no longer care to participate in your life." And whenever one partner stips listening to
the other, what is it but infidelity of a real sort? Reconciliation at that point demands a new an
dhonest beginning in communication. Both partners must learn to listen all over again8or
perhaps learn to listen for the very first time. The promising thing is that they can learn!
3. Paul Tournier says, "How beautiful, how grand and liberating this experience is, when people
learn to help each other. It is impossible to overemphasize the immense need humans have to
be really listened to."
4. H. orman Wright wrote, "One of the difficulties in listening is that one partner tries to second
guess the other. It is easy to think that you know what your partner is going to say, so you cut
your partner off and finish the sentence or interrupt his idea with something that he or she
doesn't mean at all. All to often a husband or wife blurts out an opinion that is miles from the
wavelength that the other partner is on. This is what the writer of Proverbs had in mind when
he said: What a shame88yes, how stupid88to decide before knowing the facts! (Pro. 18:13.)
5. Gerald ochman writes, "Every few lines, my wife will ask, "Are you listening to any of this?"
To prove it, both eyes and ears must be wide open. Remember: Eye contact is very important in
maintaining any good marital relationshihp;also, it's nice to nod every hour or so and excliam,

"You don't tell!" or "I'll be a monkey's uncle!"
Husbands are always labeled daydreamers and absent8minded lunkheads when, in fact,we
simply have a very highly developed sense of hearing, like bats, a set of fine8tuning equipment
that allows us to blot out much of the trivia and static; this enables men to zero in on the truly
vital household news.
Usually, I'm accused of asking Mary the very thing she just spent five minutes explaining
indeatil88or so she claims. Well, perhaps, but I suspect that half the time she didn't say it at all
and just wants to (a) give me a phobia about not listening and (b)keep me on my toes at all
times. My position is that if I missed it then she didn't enumicate clearly enough, or failed to
puch it up porperly. I keep telling her, you have to grab your audience in the first line.
I always felt that Richard ixon was on to something by taping all of his White House
conversations; later, when George Wallace was accused by Cornelia of having bugged their
bedroom, it was obcoius to me he was only protecting himself, like ixon, agaisnt future
household barassment.
ixon's and Wallace's innocent motives, I'm sure, were to make certian that when their wives
maintained they had told them what time to be home for dinner, the men could flip on a tape
recorder later that night and prove no such thing was said.
Taping all of our own conversations is an idea I've toyed with. Either that, or I could hire a
court reporter to come in during cnflicting testimony and read back portions of the previous day's
transcript to determine if the date of the Lindseys' party was, indeed, said loudly and clearly
several times by the woman plaintiff or whether88as the defense insists88there was never any
mention of any party whatsoever in his presence.
This would prove that at least 50 per cent of all the statements wives claim to have "told
repeadly" to their husbands were, in fact, a figment of colorful imaginations."
6. LISTEIG Here is a test to evaluate how well you listen. Answer true or
false to each.
1. I usually respond immediately to the first statement my spouse makes.
2. I usually do most of the talking when we have time together.
3. I tend to lead our conversation off on a tangent.
4. When my mate relates and experience I remember a similiar one in my
life and switch the conversation to mine.
Listening is the language of love. When you listen to your mate you facilitate their
1. Talking freely about matters important to them.
2. Gaining insights for solving their own problems.
3. Clarifying their thoughts and values.
4. Making decisions with which they are comfortable.
When I truly listen, I give another person a most treasured gift88my time, my
presence, myself. Pharaphrasing is a skill that helps you learn to listen. It is a
repeating of a paragraph back to the one who said it in your own words.
Example: Mary says, "What a nice thing you did last night John, when you
cleaned up the dishes. I didn't think I would get home so late. It was such a busy
day and I was beat. I was so glad to get home and find them put away."
John says, "It was a busy day for you yesterday, and you didn't look forward to
coming home to a sink full of dirty dishes. You were grateful I took care of them
so you could come home and hop right into bed."
For homework, each of you do this once a day with something the other says.
7. Words can heal or hurt. They have great power to delight or infuriate a mate.
Talk about how you use words in your communication. Which ones do you love and which do you
hate? What does your mate say that makes you feel hurt? If we learn to say the words that heal
we are into verbal therapy with our mate and this is
healthy.
8. Ric Masten wrote
i have just
wondered back

into our conversation
and find
that you
are still
rattling on
about something
or other
i think i must
have been gone
twenty minutes
and you
never missed me
now
this might say
something
about my acting ability
or it might say
something about
your sensitivity
one thing
troubles me tho
when it
is my turn
to rattle on
for twenty minutes
which i
have been known to do
have you
been missing too?
All of us have a limit to our listening capacity and even the best speaker gets tiring after
awhile. Perpetual communication is a bore and a burden. One man said my marriage is like a
railroad sign. When I first met her I stopped. Then I looked. ow all I do is listen. After awhile
talk is only sound and we cease to listen. That is why children constantly screamed at cease to
listen for it is just noise now.
9. It is not enough to hear for men often hear what their wife says but they do not listen and get
the meaning. A man hears his wife say let eat out and he assumes she means let me get away
from the kids for awhile and not have to do dishes, but she may really be saying I want to be
with you and have you be with me and if we do not go out you will putter with something else
and not be with me. Listening is getting the meaning of what is being said. You hear words but
you listen to a person. When I hear I am concerned about the message. When I listen I am
concerned about the messenger. Hearing is self8centered but listening is other centered.
10. Gary Smally in Advice to Wives wrote, "By now I hope I've made one point clear: most men
do not understand women. Since you know your needs better than anyone else, you can be
your husband's most effective teacher: He needs it: learn from you why it's important to listen
to you and how to listen.
First, explain why it's important to you that he spend time listening with his undivided
attention. (The woman called "virtuous (also, "excellent") in Proverbs 31:10 was so callecd
because she had convictions and influence. Convictions bring influence. When you're sold on
something, like the importance of a better relationship. It will show through your facial
expressions.) Let him know that when he doesn't listen to you attentively, it makes you feel
unimportatnt and unappreciated. Explain that this, in turn, decreases your desire to meet his
needs. Make it clear, however, that the opposite is also true. Whe he constantly listens to you
with attentiveness, you feel more important and have a much stronger desire to meet his needs
with greater creativity. You may have to tell him these things repeatedly before they sink in.
But each time the opportunity arises, you have another chance to stimulate his curiousty.
In addition to explaining why you need his undivided attention, yu must show him how to
give it. Discuss the nonverbal means of communication with him. As he learns to understand
your feelings by looking at your eyes and facial expressions, your communications and your

relationship will deepen. Gently remind him that his partial listening doesn't do any good, that
you don't want to compete with work, sports, and TV.
Be careful not to let your times of communication deteriorate into arguments. Use your
sensitivity to laern how to side8step issues, words, or mannerisms that ignite an argument. Some
women concede that the only way they get their husband's undivided attention is to start an
argument. Unfortunately, that's not the type of undivided attention which builds a healthy
relationship. Let your communication be as encouraging and delightful as possible.
11. Brennen Manning in Souvenirs of Solitude wrote, "Lord, it ought to be easy to talk to you
any time,
any place.
But often I find it difficult.
There are so many busy things to do;
so many interruptions,
so many worrisome things that distract me.
And generally, just when I think
the time is right
and everything is under control,
someone talks at me.
There are so many people, Lord,
who talk to me.
And so many of them annoy me.
So mnany of them talk and talk,
and say nothing.
And yet, Lord,
somebody's got to listen sometime.
People talked at you, too,
and I can't find a single place
in the Bible
that says you didn't stop
to listen.
You must've been impatient sometimes,
tired and hungry,
worn from walking and from teaching,
wanting to be alone for a little while
so you could talk to your Father.
But you listened
because somebody has to listen.
You listened,
and they went away
comforted, healed and helped.
Forgive me, Lord, for my impatience
with your other children.
For my annoyance, my boredom,
and even, sometimes, Lord, my anger.
Forgive me for my selfishness
that makes me think my own words
to you
are more important than
another's need.
Let me learn to listen, Lord,
not just with my ears
but with my heart.
And once the listening's done
I know you will provide

the quiet and calm I need
to raise my voice
in praise of you.
12. Few words reveal the importance of communication and listening better than James Lynch's
book, The Broken Heart. He shows how lonely, isolated people are far more often the victims of
death from all sorts of diseases than those who have human companionship and communication.
Human beings literally die when they are cut off from human interaction. And the first step in
communication is listening to one another.
Love desires to find out about other human beings. It is interested in the events of the day,
the thoughts, desires, fears, even the angers or fantasies of others. If love is genuine, it cares;
and caring nearly always involves listening. Louis Evely has stated this well in That Man Is You:
Love must express and communicate itself.....
That's its nature......
When two people begin to love one another,
they start telling everything that's happened to
them,
every detail of their daily life;
they reveal themselves to each other,
unbosom themselves and exchange confidences......
God hasn't ceaed being Revelation.....
any more than He's ceased being Love.
He enjoys expressing Himself.
Since He's Love, He must give Himself,
share his secrets.....
communicate with us....
and reveal himself to anyone who wants to listen.
13. Susan Jeffers in Opening Our Hearts to Men tells of her personal experience of being
radically changed in her perspective by loving listening.
Another tool for ridding ourselves of self8righteousness is "Listen and Learn." I stumbled
upon the true meaning of this familiar phrase a number of years ago. At the time, I was
passionately involved in the anti8MX missile documentary for the BBC in London. As part of my
research, I set up an interview wit a public affairs person at one of the plants in California that
was building the MX missle.
I had not told the public affairs person in advance of my vehement anti8nuclear stance.
During the interview, he was proudly going on about the efffectiveness of this amazing new piece
of weaponry. I sat there with a phony smile on my face, nodding in feigned agreement as I was
self8righteous thinking to myself:
"This man is an idiot. This man is dangerous. He is definitely an 'enemy' to peace. It is the
likes of him that is going to blow us all up. He has zero regard for humanity! He couldn't care
less about what happens to this world. All he cares about is his stupid missile."
As he rapturously went on about the advantages of the MX missle. I happened to look down
at his desk and saw a proudly displayed picture of this"killer's" beautiful wife and children. My
eye was then drawn to the wall behind him, on which was tacked a piece of "art" with the
scrawled words, " I love you Daddy." And truth then stuck me like a bolt out of the heavens:
"This man isn't an enemy! He does care about humanity! He feels! He loves! He gets
scared! He prays! He hopes! He desperately wants to make a difference in this world! In no
way does he want the world to blow up! He has wife he loves! He has kids that he wants to see
grow up healty and happy! He wants to make a better world for them."
Then I looked into this man's eyes88I mean, really looked88 and saw a Soul who, indeed,
wanted a world in which it was safe to live....who was doing what he thought necessary to reach
that end....who really was a caring human being. His ideology became unimportant. I saw only
a man doing the best he could wit what information was available to him at the time. The fact
that his information was different from mine didn't make him any less beautiful. What a heart
opener!
When I realized who I was really talking to88a loving Soul88my whole approach to the
interview softened. The barriers created by my belief systems began to crumble, and I actually
began to hear what he had to say and to leanr something new in the process."

LOVE
1. Dorothy Tennov in Love And Limerence writes,
Andreas Capellanus, a cleric at the court of Eleanor of Aquitaine in twelfth8century
France, wrote of infatuation, "Love is a certain inborn suffering derived from the
sight of and excessive mediatation upon the beatuy of the opposite sex, which causes each one
to wish above all things the embraces of the other.
1b. Love is what you think it is. If you think it is loving to hand a sneezing person a handkerchief
then that is love, even if they think love is pretending to ignore the sneeze. Love is hard to define
because it is not objective but subjective. Each person develops their own ideas of what love is.
It is like saying to a diverse group of 100 people, lets listen to some good music. You need to
learn what love means to your mate to know when they are communicating love.
2. In many books, "love" was not even listed. In others, the discussion was brief and did not
relate to such experiences. When writers were not vague, they tended to contradict each other,
disputing even the basic nature of love. Was it an emotion
an attitude, a sentiment, a personality type, a neurotic manifestation, a way of looking at the
world, a means of emotional manipulation, a sublime passion, a peak
experience, a religion, a desire, a mental state, a perversion of thought, a prepossession, a
bilogical urge, a type of mystical experience, a weakness of the will, an obsession, an aesthietic
reaction, a savred state, a universal thirst, a glimspe of heaven? All were suggested.
The illustrious and influential Sigmund Freud dismissed romantic love as merely sex urge
blocked. Pioneer sexologist Havelock Ellis provided his famous and entirely incorrect
mathematical formula: sex plus friendship. (It seems to be neither.) Contimporary sex
researchesrs seldom discuss love since they view sex an dlove as quite distinct form each other.
Psychoanalytic writers have disagreed with each other as well as with the master, Freud.
Theoldore Reik asserted that sex and love are wquite different, although the usual interpretation
of Freudian concepts is that they are fused. Psychoanalyst Robert Seidenberg comments that
the only similarity he could think of is that neither makes sense. In books with the word "love" in
their titles, two of the most widely read writers on mental and emotional life managed to virtually
avoid the subject of romantic love: Erich Fromm, in the Art Of Loving, dismisses "falling in love"
as a clearly unsatisfactory, as well as "explosive," way to overcome "separateness"; and Rollo
May, in his
best selling book Love and Will, forces the reader to search for romantic love in the interstices
between sexual, procreational, friendly, and altruistic loves. The gemeral view seemed to be that
romantic love is mysterious, mystical, even sacred, and not capable, appearently, of being
subjected to the cool gaze of scientific inquiry.
3. A psychologist described the "True Romance Package":
A man and a woman, young and beautiful, are drawn together by a strong physical attraction
that tells them that they are mant to satisfy one another;s erotic and affectional needs. They are
tossed about by the fury of passion and excitement and pain and fear, the two of them alone
against the world and others who will intrude, forever and everlasting. Obsessed with one
another to addiction, they are willing to risk all to retain the feeling of being in love. They are
scornful of reason or harsh realities88the two of them, in love with love>
4. Love is a human religion in which another person is believed in.
8888Robert Seidenberg.
5. Yearned for, dreamed about, and, for the fortunate, reveled in, limerence inspires even
ordinary persons to verbal excess. It is called the "supreme delight," "the pleasure that makes
life worth living," "the experience that takes the sting from dying." It has been said to power the
very revolution of the planet.
6.Love for many is spelled TIME. Love cannot grow without time with each other. We must make
being together a priority or love will fade and cease to grow.
7. Eros love is a matter of the emotions
Philia love is a matter of the intellect
Agape love is a matter of the will.
8. Love does not act unbecomingly. The Apostle Paul was concerned about how Christians

would be perceived by others. Some Christians think it makes no difference whether they speak
bluntly or tactlesslyl, so long as they speak the truth.
There certainly does need to be etiquette in the Christian life. It is most unbecoming when
honesty preys on love and when candor is more important than sympathy. If these patterns are
characterisitc of your life, you can be sure there is a lack of balance in your spiritual life. Love is
not without discrimination. Love is not tactless. Love is not cruelly blunt. Love behaves itself in a
manner befitting the occasion.
9. George E. Sweazey writes, "Marriage is not the result of love, it is the opportunity for love.
People marry so they may find out what love is. It is not destiny that makes a person the one
true love, it is life. It is the hardships that have been faced together. It is bending over
children's sick beds and struggling with budgets; it is a thousand good8night kisses and good8
morning smiles, it is vacations at the seashore and conversations in the dark; it is a growing
reverence for each other which comes out of esteem and love.
The fallacy of the 'one and only' is mistaken only in that it is premature. Marriage is the
union of two persons who are meant only for each other; but that is the result of marriage, not
its procondition. A little clear logic makes us admit that the choice of a mate depends upon
availability. When we are ready, we do the best we can within our range of acquanintance; then,
happily, romantic love kindles and we marry with delight. Within the marriage real love begins."
10. Is it possible to fall in love after marriage? William Wylie says yes. In marriage you promise
to keep to your mate exclusively, but there is a difference between feelings and promises.
Feelings we cannot command, but promises we can keep however we feel. We cannot promise
to feel for another person, but we can promise not to express those feelings for anyone but our
mate. You can only keep a promise concerning a matter of the will and not of the emotions.
Few people marry the first person they feel love for. They have fallen in love possibly several
times. But that was before marriage. Yes, but marriage does not change your emotional
system, but only your status and therefore, it is possible to experience love after marriage.
There will be persnalities that come along in life that can cause you to feel the emotion of love.
You need to be aware of this and not assume that this is a love you were destined for and
forsake your mate to develop this new love. There may be ten thousand people that could make
you love them, but your committment is to the one you married. You give up the love of others
for the love of your mate.
Because new love produces stronger feelings people forsake their committment to older love
and get involved with the new love. This lack of committment leads to the lost of the values of
developing the old love.
11. I John 4:18 perfect love casts out fear. The problem with the solution is our that love is
seldom to never perfect, and the result is fear is not cast out. It is also true that fear prevents
the perfection of love. Love casts out fear because when you are loved you know you are
somebody that matters. The threat of meaninglessness is conquered and you feel self worth.
The most potent medicine in the world is the assurance we are loved. When life is based on
achievement and you stop achieveing you loose meaning and fear takes over. This is why so
many successful people still take their own life. They cannot stay on top always and they lose
their sense of self worth. They built on the wrong foundation, for only love can cast out the fear
that you are of no value.
What is missing in sex without love is this higher value. Many know they do not matter to
their sex partner. They are just tools to be used to satisfy a need.
When a person is a tool they do not feel self worth but often just the opposite. More than
anything else we need to know we matter.
Our value does not lie in perfection, but in worth being redeemed even though sinful. If we
accept our sinful nature then we can begin to dominate it with the new nature, for we will face
up to it and deal with it and not try to pretend it is not real. Those who fear God rejects them
for their old nature do not experience the full power of love and therefore, do not have the self8
esteem God expects a Christian to have. There lack of self love makes them doubt that they are
loved by others.
12. Someone wrote, "Because God is (agape) love, then love must be the one all8powerful
principle in the universe. Otherwise God could not be God. The suyllogism would be stated
thus: God is all powerful. God is love. Therefore love is all powerful, Since this is true, the love
is the all8enduring, everlasting, supreme principle of the universe. Satan challenged this principle
and lost. According to Rev. 12, there was war in heaven and Satan and his angels were cast out.

However, he still believes that brute force is more powerful than love.
The Book of Rev. tells a different story. It describes a conflict between a wild beast,
representing brute force, and a slain Lamb. The conflict ends with the beast forever banished
and the Lamb on the throne of the universe with the Bride at His side as co8regent. Love has
won! When the heavens shall pass away with a great noise, and the elements shall melt with
fervent heat, and the earth and the works that are in it shall be burned up; when "hoary time
shall pass away and earthly thrones and kingdoms fall"; when the new heavens and the new
earth in which dwells righteousness replace a ruined and purged universe, only that which has
come to terms with love will remain. This love is even now, this present throbbing moment, the
supreme law of the universe and will survive and outlast all its rivals.
Because this is true, leaning agape love as personified in Christ is the supremem purpose of
life on earth. This is the meaning of all that God permits to come to one of His children. God's
primary occupation in this age is not regulating the universe by "the mighty power of His
command," but it is teaching the members of His Bride8elect the lessons of agape love in
preparation for the throne.
13. Love is a choice and this is basic to understand the difference between love and lust. Lust is
something that happens to you. It is not voluntary but involuntary. It is an effect produced by
the environment. Love does not just happen to you, it is something you chose to pursue. Love
and lust may come into the room at the same time for feelings can be produced at any moment.
Hunger and thirst can be produced without our choice. We are bombarded by stimuli all the time
and made to feel certain things. Love, however, determines how we respond to these stimuli.
Love is what I chose to do about all this. If I love God I will choose what is his will in the matters
at hand. Lust happens but love chooses the direction we go. If I love my mate I may still feel lust
but I will choose the way to go that does not hurt my mate. I will not let feelings lead me by the
nose and hurt my life and my wife. Love always has a choice for love is a choice. Your feelings
may be strong in the way of lust, but you do not have to choose that way for love makes it
choices not based on feelings but on what is loving. That is why love can be commanded. You
cannot command lust or any other feeling like joy or sorrow. But when you make the right
choices you will feel good for a lot longer than if you go by feeling which will soon fade.
The Christian is often confused and expects agape to love to come involuntarily and strike
them and give them a burning heart to do right. But agape love does not act because it feel like
it but because it is the right thing to do to be loving. Feelings are the byproduct and not the
cause. Love is doing first and only secondarily is it feeling. St. Francis De Sales wrote,
You learn to speak by speaking,
To study by studying,
To run by running,
To work by working;
And just so you learn to love God and your
eighbor by loving.
All those who think to learn in any other way
Deceive themselves.
Jesus loved by doing. He healed and helped people meet needs. He no doubt had feelings all
along the way, but they are not revealed for they are not the cause but the effect.
14. Love can be a paradox. We love love but also fear it for the price of maintaing love is
commitment and we fear commitment. There is ambivilence about love for it has a cost factor
that can scare us. Many do not want love but only sex for that costs little, but love, real love is
very costly. It costs a lot of freedom.
15. Social psychologist elson Foote writes, "Love is that relationship between one person and
another which is most conducive to the optimal development of both8love is to be known by its
works. One commits himself to another not on the basis of romantic forced illusions but of real
possibilities which can emerge with proper cultivation.,"
16. Bryan Woolley says we have used a heavyweight word for a lightweight job8like using an
anvil to kill a fly. We use love for everything and lose its value. He says, "To me, love is union.
It's really being one with another person or a group of people ar a place or thing."
17. Walter Trobisch has the six tests of love.
1. The sharing test88real love wants to share so that the other enjoys what you do.
2. The strength test88love should give you more energy and not drag you down.
3. The respect test88do you look up to and admire the other.

4. The habit test88if you cannot stand the way he eats, walks, combs his hair, etc.
beware.
5. The quarrel test88can you settle a conflict without serious damage.
6. The time test88have you seen them in all seasons and all circumstances.
18. "A game never called on account of darkness." "A fire against which there is no insurance."
Henry Finck said, "Love is such a tissue of paradoxes, and exists in such a endless variety of
forms and shades that you may say almost anything about it that you please, and it is likely to
be correct." James Thurber said, "Love is the strange bewilderment which over takes one person
on account of another person."
19. Emerson, Love is our highest word, and the synonym of God."
20. "Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."
21. H. L. Mencken, "Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another."
22. Selfish view, "Love is the fear of losing an importance source of gratification."
23. Love and romance play a role in almost every great event in history. Why, for example,
would Herod the King of Judah build the fortress of Masada and stock it with food, water, and
weapons. One of the main reasons was because Anthony was madly in love with Cleopatra,
Queen of Egypt. She wanted Anthony to cut off Herod and give Judah to her. It was a wonder
that he did not for he was enslaved to her and Herod knew her desire. So he prepared for the
worse, but it never happened. Instead, Eleazor and his Zealots got ahold of it and resisted
Rome, and thus you have the story. Romantic involvement was behind the story.
24. Love even in romance is a matter of the will. It is not just feeling for a complete stranger
can walk into your life and stimulate feelings. one of this is love, however, for love is not just
enjoying a person, it is committment to a person.
People who do not make this distinction often have affairs because they think feelings are the
major part of love. Love is choosing to be faithful to the one you love rather than be lead by
feelings.
25. "Love is a desire of the whole being to be united to something or some being felt necessary
to its completeness."
26. "There are many kinds of love,
As many kind of light,
But every kind of love
Makes a glory in the night,
There's the love that stirs the heart,
And a love that gives us rest,
But the love that lifts one upward
Is the noblest and the best."
27. If love is only an emotion than Bernard Shaw was right about the marriage ceremony when
he wrote, "When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most
delusive and most transient of passions, they are required to solemnly swear they will remain in
that excited, abnormal and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part."
28. Longfellow wrote,
Love, that of every woman's heart
Will have the whole, and not a part,
That is to her, in nature's plan,
More than ambition is to man,
Her light, her life, her very breathe
With no ulterative but death.
29. Shakespeare wrote,
Except I be by Silvia in the night,
There is no music in the nightingale;
Unless I look upon Silvia in the day,
There is no day for me to look upon.
30. Petrarch said, "To be able to say how much you love is to love but little."
31. Love is learned. We often think it is like breathing and just happens sutomatically, but not so.
It is learned like any other skill, by example, imitation and practice. If your parents never
verbalized their love you probably won't either. If they sho;wed love by doing things for each
other that will likely be your style of loving. We learn to love by what we see and experience of

love. If we have no experience of love we do not learn to love at all.
We learn to express love by the way we experience love. Your children are learning to love by
the way you love them. We are conditioned and we are conditioning our children and this has
profound influence on their marriage. families with a lot of touching and affection raise a child
with a different feeling about love than those who never show their affection. If mates come
from these different backgrounds they can have problems in their love styles. One will have to
change to learn to love like the other or their will be conflict.
32. In the novel, An Unofficial Rose, by Iris Murdock, we have the typical soap opera plot.
Randall and his wife run a rose nursery garden. His wife Ann bores him. She does all the work
but she is just simply ordinary. Their is however, another woman in his life who excites him and
would be willing to go away with him if he could get some money8lots of it. He finally gets his
father to sell a valuable painting and like the Prodigal he takes his inheritance and runs away to
indulge his sensuous desires.
His marriage and the rose garden were once thrilling adventures but that was all dead. ow
he was on a new adverture. Roses and Ann were once exciting but now it is his new passion and
running to Rome. Randall is portrayed as musing over the beauty of his sleeping mistress8"I'll get
tired of her one day, but it does not matter. There are lots of other beautiful women." He wanted
first love over and over because he was in love with love and not a person. Total eros love and
totally self8centered.
33. COMPLEXITY OF LOVE We love what we ascribe worth to.We only love what has value and
gives us pleasure. There is always value in what we love. The greater the value the greater the
love. God so loved the world, he gave it such value he gave his Son to die for it, that is the
people. Love is most real if you are willing to pay a price for the object of your love. If you pay
little you love little. If you pay much you love much.
Love grows with growing knowledge of the value of the object of love, or it declines with such
knowledge because the value and the pleasure of it declines with the advanced knowledge.
Whatever increases value increases love and vice versa. Genuine love is a deep feeling of the
value of the object of love. He or she is of high value and gives you great pleasure.
It is magnified by the awareness that all we do or do not do is in some measure motivated by
love. If I play tennis it is because I love to play the game, or because I love to please others
who love the game. If I take out the garbage I either love to do so, or I love to be accepted for
doing so, or I love to get rid of stuff I hate in the house,
or I hate it but am forced to do it, and thus feel the lack of love. The point is, all we do is in
some way related to love or the lack of it. Every virtue is some aspect of love and every vice is
some lack of love.
It is silence88when your words would hurt.
It is patience88when your neighbor's curt.
It is deafnesss88when a scandal flows.
It is thoughtfulness88for others woes.
It is promptness88when stern duty calls.
It is courage88when misfortune falls.
34. orman Wright in Romancing Your Marriage writes,
1. Love at first sight is rare. An infatuated attraction may happen immediately but true love
usually needs time to develop.
2. Love is OT consistent. Your emotional response to your spouse will vary over the
months, years and decades of a relationship.
3. Most individuals can fall in love many times. But the often involuntary physcial and
emotional attraction of "falling in love" should not be confused with the willful and abiding
commitment to love selflessly the person who has captured your heart.
4. The quality of courtship love will change and deepen in marriage. And each succeeding
level of love can be as exciting, rewarding and fulfilling as the last.
5. Love in a marraige relationship can diminish and even die. Love must be carefully
nurtured and cherished over the years if it is to endure the stress of two imperfect people living
together.
6. There is not just one person with whom an individual can be happily married. "But," you
may ask, "is there only one person selected by God for me to marry?" If you are certain that it is
God's will for you to marry a particular person, then your question is answered and God validates

it. And once you have married your chosen love, the"happily" part is mostly up to the two of
you. As John Graham said, "Even if marraiges are made in heaven, man has to be responsible
for the maintenance."
orman Wright continues his study on love.
35. Smalley wrote, "There are at least three kinds of love, each totally unique. Of the three
types of love888affection, passion, and genuine love888only the latter provides an adequate
foundation for the other two types. If this type of love is missing, the relationship will most likely
not be long8lasting. One of the most exciting virtues of genuine love is that God can build it
within your character without the help of affectionate feelings (Gal. 5:22' Rom. 5:5). Before we
look at genuine love, let's first consider the other two types of love.
AFFECTIO
The first type of love is recognizable when someone says, "I have fallen in love," or "I no
longer love my husband." It's possible for people to "fall in love" and "fall out of love" because
affection is based upon someone meeting our needs or living up to our expectations. As long as
they meet our emotional, mental, and physical needs and live up to our expectations, we remain
"in love" with them. When they cease to meet those expectations or fail to meet our needs, we
can easily lose the affectionate feelings we have for them.
PASSIO
The second type of love is aptly described by the word "passion". This type of love is mainly
centered around our need for sexual fulfillment. Like the first type of love, it is based upon our
partner's ability to meet our needs88more specifically, our desire for romance and sex. This is the
basis for most immature marriages888two young people longing for each other and getting
married to guarantee that their mate will always be near to meet their needs. Passion is the
weakest foundation for a marriage, as is evidenced by the high divorce rate among teenage
marriages. A marriage must have passion to be fulfilling, but if passion is the thread that weaves
the marriage together, the marriage has a much greater chance of unraveling.
Genuine love is totally different from the first two types. Affection and passion make us
unaware of our own needs and cause us to look to others to meet those needs. Genuine love, as
evidenced by Christ, searches for the needs of others and seeks opportunities to meet those
needs (John 15:11813). Simply stated, genuine love says, "I see your need; please allow me to
meet it." Or as the apostle Paul defined it, "I submit myself to meeting your needs888you needs
are my master" (Gal. 5:13814). The focus of genuine love isn't receiving it's giving. When a
person receives genuine love from someone else, it can be one of the most powerfully motivating
forces in his or her life.
36. Love while you may,"
The poets say,
Love's season is brief.
The pink of May
Has searcely burst
Before the first
Red leaf of autumn
Is blown away.
Moments of singing,
Of kissing and clinging
Ride on the wind
Like milkweed fluff,
Like the russet leaf.
Love's season is brief:
Only a lifetime..
ever enough.
37. As Rollo May states; The more one develops his capacity for love, the less he is concerned
about manipulating people and exerting power over them in other ways.
There are two cardinal principles of love which are important in this regard.
First, the work of love is not to change people but to love them. There is a strange change
mentaliyt which seems to grip the minds and hearts of people. A vast amount of energy is
expended in the attempt to make people the way we want them to be. But the task of love is
not to change people but to love them or at least to ask God to change us so we can love them.

Look at the way Jesus dealt with people. He made friends with the, spent time with them, and
regarded them with total love. What was the result? People changed, But they did not change
in order to be loved. The changed because they were loved. Thus, we do not live to change
people but to love people, and if we do, they will change.
38. Love is a choice. It is not something that happens to us like fate, it is a choice. In I Cor.
14:1 Paul says make love your aim. It is not a path you are fated to walk, or forced to walk
away from, but a path you choose to follow. Ernest Hemmingway said,
"People fall in love but they have to climb out." Love is like a well, people just let go and fall into
it and then find themselves in a mess. This is not love, but the emotion of feeling lust and
infatuation. Love is not merely feeling for that can change rapidly. I hate coffee, but I love the
smell of it and so I can enjoy the aroma, but I don't fall for it for I have made a choice because it
does not make my stomach feel good. So even though I like the smell, I choose not to drink it.
The choice is based on the overall knowledge of how coffee and I are compatible. People who
fall in love with a body or a perfume, or some other alluring aspect of a person, but who do not
pursue an overall awareness of the person, are not in love, but are in lust, and are pulled by
senual desire to satisfy one or more of the senses. These are a part of what make love tick too,
but the love response is more patient and waits to get a more complete picture of the total
person. Love is a choice to keep on making the choices that keeps love dominent. Love never
comes to a point where no more choices are necessary.
38. Are You Ready for Love?
Author Unknown
"A good relationship isn't a game you play or an ego trip you take. It is about love
and two people. Loving someone can give us the greatest joy we can ever know and
it can hurt more than we can believe too. When it does not really hurt when that
person did something disappointing to you, but really hurts when you see that
person in pain and sadness, then you know you truly love that person.
Loving someone means you should be ready to experience heartache and happiness at
the same time. That's the reward and that's the risk. Unless we are willing to
experience it, we will never really know what it's like to love and be loved.
Sharing love is probably the most valuable and meaningful experience a person
can ever have. And there's a difference between being in love with someone and
loving someone. It's the difference between a love that's fickle, wild and
short8lived and one that's tender and passionate, nurturing and lasts a long time.
The first is easy. The second, the one that really matters to all of us, takes
work 88 because it's about keeping a relationship.
Loving someone takes efforts. We have to be able to communicate with each other.
obody can read anyone else's mind. We always presume that our partner knows what
we think and feel. Maybe in time we might be able to predict or sense each other's
thoughts but it's never perfect and takes time to develop.
Getting the chance to love and be loved by someone is blessed. Respect
him/her for who he/she is, and not what you want him/her to be. Everyone
is pretty and special in his/her own special way. o one is perfect. It is
true love which closes the gap of imperfectness to form a smooth surface
of acceptance for each other. True love sees and accepts a person for who
he/she is. It is also true love which makes a person change for the better.
The power of true love to a person is undeniable.
A relationship needs commitments too. What is love without commitments
from each other anyway? It's like principles and values. Everyone has
them but they only mean as much as we are willing to stand for them.

The same goes for our commitments to relationships, and the person we love.
"Love is like an antique vase. It's hard to find, hard to get, but easy to break."
Every day everywhere, people fall in love...but just how many of these
relationships are self8sacrificing love, and not just relationships
which are formed only for the intense feeling of falling in love?
I know hundreds of friends who say the magical words "I love you"...
but more often than not, the truth is just 88 I am I love with you.
There is a difference between being in love with someone and loving
someone. If a person says he/she is in love with you, he/she means
that he/she likes you for who you are now and he/she fell in love
with you because of the present you.
This kind of love is temporary and lasts only as long as the fairytale lasts.
When fairy godmother comes in at midnight to whirl us back to reality, we see
the heartache of such a relationship...where both were only I love with each other.
But if a person says he/she loves you, he/she means that he/she
loves you unconditionally for who you are now, who you were in
the past and who you might be in the future. When he/she says he/she
loves you and really means it, you have to ask yourself if you love
him/her too or if you're in love with the idea of being in love.
It is very hard to see the difference through logical thinking.
Let your heart guide you. May you be blessed on
your soul8searching journey for your soulmate."
39. The Best Kind of Love
By Annette Paxman Bowen
I have a friend who is falling in love. She honestly
claims the sky is bluer. Mozart moves her to tears. She has
lost 15 pounds and looks like a cover girl.
"I'm young again!" she shouts exuberantly.
As my friend raves on about her new love, I've taken a good
look at my old one. My husband of almost 20 years, Scott, has
gained 15 pounds. Once a marathon runner, he now runs only down
hospital halls. His hairline is receding and his body shows the
signs of long working hours and too many candy bars. Yet he can
still give me a certain look across a restaurant table and
I want to ask for the check and head home.
When my friend asked me "What will make this love last?" I ran
through all the obvious reasons: commitment, shared interests,
unselfishness, physical attraction, communication. Yet there's
more. We still have fun. Spontaneous good times. Yesterday, after
slipping the rubber band off the rolled up newspaper, Scott flipped
it playfully at me: this led to an all8out war. Last Saturday at
the grocery, we split the list and raced each other to see who
could make it to the checkout first. Even washing dishes can
be a blast. We enjoy simply being together.
And there are surprises. One time I came home to find a note on the
front door that led me to another note, then another, until I reached

the walk8in closet. I opened the door to find Scott holding a "pot of gold"
(my cooking kettle) and the "treasure" of a gift package. Sometimes I leave
him notes on the mirror and little presents under his pillow.
There is understanding. I understand why he must play basketball
with the guys. And he understands why, once a year, I must get
away from the house, the kids 8 and even him 8 to meet my sisters
for a few days of nonstop talking and laughing.
There is sharing. ot only do we share household worries and
parental burdens 8 we also share ideas. Scott came home from
a convention last month and presented me with a thick historical
novel. Though he prefers thrillers and science fiction, he had
read the novel on the plane. He touched my heart when he
explained it was because he wanted to be able to exchange
ideas about the book after I'd read it.
There is forgiveness. When I'm embarrassingly loud and crazy
at parties, Scott forgives me. When he confessed losing some
of our savings in the stock market, I gave him a hug and said,
"It's okay. It's only money."
There is sensitivity. Last week he walked through the door with
that look that tells me it's been a tough day. After he spent some
time with the kids, I asked him what happened. He told me about a
608year8old woman who'd had a stroke. He wept as he recalled the
woman's husband standing beside her bed, caressing her hand. How was
he going to tell this husband of 40 years that his wife would
probably never recover? I shed a few tears myself. Because of the
medical crisis. Because there were still people who have been married
40 years. Because my husband is still moved and concerned after
years of hospital rooms and dying patients.
There is faith. Last Tuesday a friend came over and confessed her fear
that her husband is losing his courageous battle with cancer. On Wednesday
I went to lunch with a friend who is struggling to reshape her life after
divorce. On Thursday a neighbor called to talk about the frightening
effects of Alzheimer's disease on her father8in8law's personality. On Friday
a childhood friend called long8distance to tell me her father had died.
I hung up the phone and thought, This is too much heartache for one week.
Through my tears, as I went out to run some errands, I noticed the boisterous
orange blossoms of the gladiolus outside my window. I heard the delighted
laughter of my son and his friend as they played. I caught sight of a wedding
party emerging from a neighbor's house. The bride, dressed in satin and lace,
tossed her bouquet to her cheering friends. That night, I told my husband
about these events. We helped each other acknowledge the cycles of life and
that the joys counter the sorrows. It was enough to keep us going.
Finally, there is knowing. I know Scott will throw his laundry
just shy of the hamper every night; he'll be late to most
appointments and eat the last chocolate in the box. He knows
that I sleep with a pillow over my head. I'll lock us out of the
house at a regular basis, and I will also eat the last chocolate.
I guess our love lasts because it is comfortable. o, the sky
is not bluer: it's just a familiar hue. We don't feel particularly
young: we've experienced too much that has contributed to our growth
and wisdom, taking its toll on our bodies, and created our memories.

I hope we've got what it takes to make our love last. As a bride,
I had Scott's wedding band engraved with Robert Browning's line
"Grow old along with me!" We're following those instructions.
"If anything is real, the heart will make it plain."
EROS
1. Eros means devoted to, or tending to arouse, sexual love or desire. Eros defines someone
who is strongly affected by sexual desire. Eros can be controlled and positive, or uncontrolled an
dsingul. It is not limited to the expression of sensual love, but also includes the desire to unite
with and possess the loved one. For many, ero is the starting point for marriage. It conveys the
idea of romance more
than any other Greek term. If you would like to read more about eros love, I would suggest that
you read the Song Of Solomon to discover the beauty of erotic love in a marriage.
PHILEO
1. The Greek word storge depicts a third type of love. Storge denotes a sense of natural
affection and of belonging to each other. Partners who find in each other assurance of loyalty
and emotional refuge are experiencing storge love.
Fourth, phileo is frienship love, one os the highest priorities for marraige. Phileo means
companionship, comumication, cooperation and the sheer enjoyment of each other's presence.
Thoughts, feelings, attitudes, experiences, and dreams are shared together. Phileolovers cherish
and enjoy each other completely.
Finally there is agape, love, the highest expression of love in the Bible. Agape love values
and serves the loved one. It is the one that keeps on loving even when the loved one becomes
unlovable. Agape can keep erotic love alive or rekindle erotic love that has been quenced.
Agape is the type of love which you make happen by a personal act of commitment. It is the
love which most completely describes God's selfless, serving love commitment to us, as found in
John 3:16 and I John 4"19, for example.
Rick Yohn has a great insight on the application of agape love in marriage:
A husband who loves his wife as Chrsit loved (agape) the church will make
every sacrifice to meet her needs (not necessarily all her wants). He will
provide for her physical needs of sexual love, financial security, clothes,
food, etc. He will provide for her emotional needs like security, affection,
understanding, acceptance, the feeling of being wanted, and of feeling
necessary to complete him. He will provide for her spiritual needs by
encouraging her to grow in the Lord. He will set the example of what it
means to walk in the Spirit.
AGAPE
1. Agape is a love that is not based upon feelings but on an act of the will. And agape does
not come from within you but from God. It will cost you something to love agape style. It is an
art to be learned, but the pattern is seen throughout Scripture. It is also a discipline to be
maintained by constant commitment and by drawing upon God for its sustenance.
Agape love is an unconditional love which is not based upon your spouse's performance. It is
a love which says, "I love you in spite of..."(as illustrated in many of the cartoons in this book).
Agape love is also transparent love. Transparency involves openness, honesty, truth, and sharin
gpositive an dnegative feelings. Agape is strong enough to allow our partners to get close to us,
even inside us. It is a love which has a deep reservior to draw from and provides warmth and
stability in the marriage even during times of stress and conflict.
2. Fritz Ridenour wrote, "We can make these observatins concerning agape:
1. Agape love means action, not just a benign attitude.
2. Agape love means involvement, not a comfortable detachment from the
needs of others.
3. Agape love means unconditionally loving the unlovable, the undeserving,
and the unrepsonsive.

4. Agape love means permanent commitment to the object of one's love.
5. Agape love means constructive, purposeful giving based not on blind sentimentality
but on knowledge888the knowledge of what is best for the beloved.
6. Agape love means consistency of behavior showing an ever8present concern for the
beloved's highest good.
7. Agape love is the chief means and the best way of blessing your partner and your
marriage.
35. Love is the most vulnerable of all feelings; it is fleeting, capable of evaporating like mist in
the morning sun. A little insincerity makes us doubt it. An argument over little things can
threaten it. Sometimes it seems mucheasier not to struggle to love another but to be content
just to love outselves.
And yet we want to see ourselves and the world through a partner's loving eyes. We want a
relationship in which love make sus feel safe enough to be ourselves. Yet it is in such a setting
of the deepest togetherness that the greatest trespasses and injuries can take place. While
lovers' quarrels may seem silly to a bystander, the betrayal of vulnerability and the depth of hurt
that occur can be overwhelming. What can be lost is more that trust in a lover, but trust in love
itself. It is no wonder we wnat to run when our love turns sour88we want to preserve our belief
in love.
Love is a state of heightened a wareness and sensitivity. Lovers see so much good in each
other that they lower their usual protecive barriers and open themeslves to being hurt. They
trust that no one who love them this deeply would ever hurt them, but it may take only one
incident to destroy this belief. When that happens, thier first instinct is to retalizte, to hurt their
partner as they have been hurt. Thus, a minor disagreement can escalate into a devastrating
battle.
36. Love is always a gift. You do not earn it by doing something; you deserve it by being
yourself. The essence of love is that it is free. When love is used as a reward it become
debased. When love is used to acquire, it becomes an object of barter. It no longer is a gift
and , therefore, no longer love. You cannot love if yu are obligated to love. The oly condition for
giving your love if that you are always free to love or not love. Where love is owed the bill goes
unpaid.
You always feel impoverished when you are bought off instead of loved. How do you
rationalize accepting gifts that were given to possess you? o gift given to buy your affection
ever wins your full surrender. You always hold back something just to keep from losing yourself.
You resent yourself for selling out and distrust the other person for playing on your weakness.
The only thing you resent more than having a price put on your love is agreeing to it.
Gifts should reflect love, not measure it.
When love is freely given, it enriches and gladdens the receiver, making acceptance the only
necessary response.
37. Love is a choice. Romance is a feeling but love does what is necessary and loving whether it
feels like it or not. Feelings are made by circumstances but love is faithful regardless of
circumstances. You cannot say I will feel romantic tonight, but you can say I will be loving
tonight for love is a choice and you can always make that your choice.
38. Courtesy of Ann Landers...
Is it love or Infatuation? Infatuation is instant desire 8 one set of glands
calling to another. Love is friendship that has caught fire.
It takes root and grows, one day at a time.
Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and eager but
not genuinely happy. There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, little bits
and pieces about your beloved that you would just as soon not examine too closely.
It might spoil the dream.
Love is the quiet understanding and mature acceptance of imperfection. It is

real. It gives you strength and grows beyond You 8 to bolster your beloved. You
are warmed by his presence, even when he is away. Miles do not separate you.
You have so many little wonderful films in your head that You keep replaying.
But near of far. You know he is yours and you can wait.
Infatuation says8 "We must get married right away. I can't risk losing him."
Love says8. "Be patient. Don't panic. Plan Your future with confidence."
Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. Whenever you are together
you hope it will end in intimacy. Love is not based on sex. It is the maturation of
friendship which makes sex so much sweeter. You must be friends before you
can be lovers.
Infatuation lacks confidence. When he's away, you wonder if he's cheating.
Sometimes you check.
Love means trust. You are calm, secure and un threatened. He feels your trust
and it makes him even more trustworthy.
Infatuation might lead you to do things you will regret, but love never steers you
in the wrong direction.
Love is elevating. It lifts you up. It makes you look up. It makes you think up.
It makes you a better person than you were before.
39. Ethel Person in Dreams of Love and Fateful Encounters wrote, "W. H. Auden is said to have
despaired of every finding love. He wrote of it in a tone both humorous and poignant:
When it comes, will it come without warning
Just as I'm picking my nose?
Will it knock at my door on my toes?
Or tread in the bus on my toes?
Will it come like a change in the weather?
Will its greeting be courteous or rough?
Will it alter my life altogether?
Or tell me the truth about love.
40. Moore wrote,
There is a bliss beyond all that the minstrel has told,
When two that are linked in one heavenly tie,
With heart never changing and brow never cold,
Love on through all ills, and love on till they die.
41. To love as Christ loved is to enter into the others skin. The word became flesh and dwelt
among us. Love strive to see from the others perpective. Such love you do not fall into you
grow into, and often you must climb into it by determined effort.
Erich Fromm, the psychiatrist, wrote, "To love a person productively implies to care and to feel
repsonsible for his life, not only for his physical existence but for the growth and development of
all of his human powers.
42. Walter Lippman said, "Love and nothing else soon becomes nothing else.
43. Tracy Cabot wrote, "Love is indeed an addiction, an adddiction to the other person. If you
have your man properly addicted to you, it'll be really hard for him to break away. He can be
addicted to your smell, the sound of your voice, the way you touch him, the sight of you, the
way you ead the paper together in the morning and the way you watch the television news last
thing at night.
Just as he developed his other addictions, perhaps following the sports pages or needing two
cups of black coffee every morning through repetition, he will develop an addiction to you
through repetition. By doing something over and over again with the same person, you begin to
associate the activity with the person. If you always shower together, he'll miss you if he has to
shower alone. If you always eat together, he'll feel lonely if he has to eat alone.
Men are more easily addicted by repetition that women are. Men like their rituals and the
security of knowing everything will be the same.
We've heard for years that men like, even need, variety. ot true. Men fall easily into a

contented rhythm of domesticity. Men become addicted to sex with the same woman, not to
different women. Men become addicted to the thrill of sneaking, if they get away with it. It's
not the other woman they're addicted to.
It's important to make sex a habit with your mate. Have sex with him regualrly, it only to
reinforce his habit of getting all his pleasure from you. Make sure you spend regular time
together. Make certain things de rigueur in your relationship going to church every Sunday,
renting a movie every Friday, having cocktails every evening, even watching a favorite television
show together. The more rituals you have, the more totally intimate and involved you are as a
couple and the more fun doing something "different" becomes.
LOVE CHARMS.
1. "The medieval legend of Tristram and Yault illlustrates the same attitude toward
the recklessness of overpowering love Tristrom, a knight boudn by the rigid code
of fuidal honor, escorted Ysevet from Ireland to Cornwall, where she become the bride of
Tristram's uncle King Mark. On the boat coming over, Tristram and Yseult fell heatedly in love
with each other, and old King Mark became a cuckold
before he became a husband. The tale is continued in several versions, but in all of them
everybody involved is thoroughly miserable. To account for so reckless, so hopeless, and, by the
knightly standards of the time, so dishonorable an affair, love magic was assumed. It was said
that Tristram and Yseult, by accident, drank a
flagon of wine brewed by Yseult's mother as a love potion for Yseult and Mark to
drink on the wedding night. aturally, after the magic wine had crept through the
veins of Tristram and Yseult, these two unfortunates were helpless to act otherwise
than they did. obody could scorn them or wonder at their lack of judgement.
Early Chrs. used love charms for we have records of how the priest was to require prayer
pennance for use of love magic. Quacks all through English hist. deceived people into taking
drugs for sexual arousal. Cleopatra was recorded as having Mark Anthony on drugs or love
potions.
2. Edward S. Gifford Jr. wrote, "Many an ancient Roman patronized the vendors of
love charms while Roman poets and philosophers denouced a form of courtship so unromantic,
so impersonal, so contrary to reason. Love is wrongfully acquired by
herbs, which should be won by merit and beauty, wrote the roman poet Ovid. Pliny the Elder,
who compliled an encyclopedia for the Romans, treated love potions with
contempt. He dismissed a Thessalian plant from his book because "it would be a mere loss of
time to describe, seeing that it is only used as an ingredient of phitters.
It was another roman poet who shoed the keenest insight. Tibullus knew that when
he suffered the strings of love, no one had used a love charm to trap him. Why do I complain,
alas, that spells or herbs have worked me woe?" he wrote. Beauty needs no aid from sorcery.
It is touching the body does the harm, giving the long
kiss, resting thigh by thigh.
Despite these rational opinions, few unhappy souls, craving a love denied, renounced the
promises of magic. Thoughtout history, faith in love charms
remained steadfast, for faith is indeed, as St. Paul tells us, "the substance of thing hoped for."
3. Many a retired prostitute needed to make a living and she would sell charms and do
counselling to help others in their sex life. "These potions, erotic or soporific, were not entirely
safe. Poisonous drugs entered into their composition, and the dosage of the drugs varied widely
between
one amateur pharmacist and another. According to Aristotle a woman was brought before the
judges of the Areopague because the philter se had givenher lover had caused his death. She
pleaded that her only wish was to revive a fading love, and
the sentimental judges acquitted her. o doubt she had the sympathy of the entire female
population to Athens. To keep a lover, many a woman would not hesitate to risk his health.
When the ovetesan Myrrhine lost her Dyphilus to Thessala, she
bought a philter at once. The use of thephilter is very dangerous, wrote Myrrhine to her friend
icippe. Sometimes even it is fatal to the one who takes it. But what
difference does it make? Dyphilus must live to love me or die in loving Thessola."

LOVE AD HATE
1. Ethel Person in Dreams Of Love And Fateful Encounters wrote, "Perhaps one of the most
original and penetrating insights into the relationship between imagination and love come from
Troyat writing about Tolstoy's creation of the character of Anna Karenian, and how he loathed
her before he came to love her.
(Tolstoy's) attitude toward Anna Karenina.......changed in the course of the book, almost as
though the creator had gradually been seduced by his creature. Behind the love story of Anna
and Vronsy lay the love story of Tolstoy and Anna. At first, Tolstoy did not like his heroine; he
condemned her in the name of morality. He saw her as an incarnation of lechery and, oddly
enough, did not even make her beautiful....Her personality is that of a man8killer.....She is the
agent of evil in the world. Both husband and lover are her victims.....In a word, two choice
characters, in contrast to whom the diabolical Anna stand out blacker than ever.
However, Tolstoy unconsciously begging to be intrigued by his sinner. She moves him,
disturbs him, disarms him. He is on the verge of delcaring his love. Suddenly he can no longer
deprived her of her beauty. Plastic surgery is called for the operation is a resounding success.
The troll with the turned8up nose emerges a sylphide.....
ow the tables were turned. either of the two men was worthy of her. With cold rage
Tolstoy divested them, one by one, of the qualities he had freely bestowed upon them. He
debased them in order to elevate and justify Anna.
2.
LOVE STYLES
People have a variety of ways of expressing their love88
1. Friendship love88characterized by sharing, mutual understanding, respect, commpassion and
concern. This love develops gradually with sexual intimacy coming late in the relationship. It is
a slow growth, stable rather than impulsive relationship. The danger is the predictability and lack
of excitement.
2. Giving love88these lovers place the happiness and best interest of their mates ahead of their
own. They are patient and understanding. The feel a sense of duty to their mate. They are
dependable, and get more pleasure from giving than receiving. Like friendship lovers they do not
fall into love but grow into it. The pit fall is it can be overdone and one has to be careful in
expressing desires lest the other fulfill them even if they can't afford it.
3. Possessive love88jealously is a vital part of this love. They are obsessed and require full
attention, affection, and togetherness. It is a time demanding love where even brief separation
calls for frequent phone contact. The pit fall is it can be a nuisance. One woman said she gets
calls at the grocery store to see if she got there safe. This kind of mate dominates your life and
isolates you from family and friends to have your full attention.
4. Practical love88They rely on logical thought rather than feelings and they plan their lives.
They look for the partner who is the best deal and who will cooperate in their goals. They make
list of what to look for in a mate. They are level8headed and not romantic. They are common
sense people and very stable if they ever find their mate.
The pit fall is when their mate ceases to be practical and begins to have feelings of their own.
This to them is a sign to them a disorder.
5. Game88playing love88These lovers feel love is like a well which is good to drink from but not to
fall into. They minimize committment. They try to advoid getting hurt and just have fun. If
problems arise they are ready to move on. There philosophy is if you are not with the one you
love, then love the one you are with. The pit fall is they sometimes lose their detachment and
fall in the well. This is not fun for them and they are not happy with the obligations.
6. Erotic love88These lovers look for the physical beauty that attacts. They fall in love at first
sight. Sex and deep personal sharing come early in the relationship. They marry fast. They
plunge into a relationship and their is intense emotion. The pit fall is the fire does not burn with
the same intensity. They may turn cool when the fire dies down. They fear they have lost their
love and have more valleys than peaks, and so they often want to move on to a new thrill.
7.
LUST
1. orman Wright writes, " The first word to describe marital love is never translated "love" in the

Bible, but it is a very important element of love. The word is epithumia, meaning a strong desire
of any kind. It also means to set one's heart on, long for or even covet! Come desires are good
and others are not. When epithumia is used in the Bible in a negative way, it is expressed in the
strong physical desire a husband and wife have for each other which culminates in physical
lovemaking. Sexual fulfillment in marriage is an important part of expressing and building love in
a marriage.
2. Jerome wrote, "Sackcloth is figured my unshapely limbs, and my skin from long neglect had
become as black as a Ethiopian's. Tears and groans were my daily portion, yet, though in my
fear of hell I had consigned myself to this prison where my only companions were scorpions and
wild beasts, I often found myself amid bevies of girls. My face was pale, and my frame chilled
with fasting, yet my mind was inflamed with desire."
3. "Lust is what makes you keep wanting to do it, even when you have no desire to be with
each other. Love is what makes you keep wanting to be with each other, even when you have
no desire to do it."
LYIG
1. The Top 10 Things Guys Lie About
Men lie about how tall they are. If a guy's 5'11", he'll always say
he's 6 feet
Men lie about being lost. If a woman's with him, he'll never ask for
directions
Men lie about not minding that a woman's had "a past". It really does
bug a guy...not because he wants a virgin but because he's afraid he
won't compare very well.
Men lie about knowing why the car won't start. Ladies, there's really
no such thing as a "knuckle8valve".
Men lie about being afraid. If a woman likes to swim with the sharks,
a guy will try it but he'll be terrified the whole time and not let on
Men lie about their sports ability. Just ask guy if he played sports
in school. Then ask him again a week later. Compare the two stories
and you'll be amazed.
Men lie rather then tell a woman they don't like what she's wearing.
This is called "survival"!
Men don't admit to being afraid to call a woman for a date.
Men lie to women about their health. Unless it's a simple cold that
we like to exaggerate for attention and drama.
Men lie about lying!
M
MAERS
1. Arlene Matthews in Why Did I Marry You Anyway? wrote, "Interestingly, many of the
newlyweds I spoke with told me they were annoyed not so much by their partners' abandonment
of certain courtship amenities after marraige as they were by the abruptness with twhich those
amenities were cast aside. Oen woman complained that her husband stopped opening doors for

her while they were on their honeymoon and never resumed the practice; another said, "I think
the last time my husband helped me on with my coat was when we were on our way to church
to get married."
Of course, women aren't the only ones with manners grievance. One man I talked t said that
his wife, whom he had lived with for two years before marraige, began after marriage to change
television channesl without consulting him when he was in the middle of watching a show and to
grab sections of the newspaper out of his hands before he'd finished reading them. Another
complained that, once wed, his wife showed no compunction about using expletives that he'd
beleived her incapable of uttering during courtship. "I didn't even know she knew those words,"
he said. "let alone used them."
ow, some of these spousal appraisals may be somewhat exaggerated. Once married,
people do tend to be more observant of their partners' peccadilloes than they were before. But,
even allowing for such perceptual adjustments, it seems clear that some newlyweds do throw
courtesy to the wind rather quickly once they've formalized their relationships.
MARRIAGE
1. The Purpose of Marriage
A. Completion
B. Companionship
C. Communication
D. Coition ICor. 7:385
E. Creativity
F. Celebration
2. Seven ingredients in a lasting marriage.
1. Self acceptance and personal growth.
2. Good communication.
3. Ability to face conflict effectively.
4. Realistic expectations.
5. Commitment.
6. Shared dreams and interest.
7. Appreciation of each other.
3. Gary Damarest tells of how his coach one time responded to his stumbling, fumbling play in
which he finally did tag the runner out. "Great play Damarest, I've never seen anyone make a
routine play look so difficult." Sometimes we make what is so simple look so complex. Love and
marriage is a good example. It should be so simple for two people who love each other to make
life a joy, but we have a way of making it so incrediably complex that only a few ever master it.
4. John Collier's 1954 short story The Chaser. A young man comes into a magic shop seeking a
love potion which the old man guarantees him is pernament, will substitute devotion for
indifference, admiration for scorn88"She'll want nothing but solitude and you." The old man
assures him and continues to describe how jealous she will become, how he will be her sole
interest in life, how devotedly she will care for him, and how frantically she will worry if he is a
minute late. The young man is rapturous. At the same time the old man is selling him this
marvelous potion with a sum of one dollar, he is careful to inform him of the existence of another
elixer which will remove the effects of the first. The price of that mixture is five thousand dollars.
5. Daily companship is a challenge and demands sacrifices of both partners. A person may be
willing to be cruicified for mankind, but cannot stand to share the bedroom with a snoring
partner. A legend of the Middle Ages tells about a German communicty, Weinsberg, which was
beleaguered and defeated by enemy forces. The enemy demanded that ll men of this
community be killed, but the women with childre could leave unmolested and could carry with
them on their back their most precious possessions. All the women leftr the beleaguered fortress
carrying their husbands on their backs. Some centuries later, a man had written on his
tombstone: My wife has not carried me like the faithful wives of Weinsberg, but she has endured
me year in, year out, that was a greater burden than I can express in words.
MARRIAGE IS EDUCATIOAL
1. Art Carney in In Defense of Marriage wrote, "Before Tanya and I became close, I thought I
was a pretty wonderful guy. Any woman lucky enough to snare me would be damn lucky, I

believed. Then, as Tanya and I became intimate, as we began spending more time together, I
realized what a Grade A jerk I could be88thoughtless, inconsiderate, selfish, moody. Alone, these
faults never occured to me, because there was no one to bump against, no check on my
behavior, no limit on my whims and desires. But Tanya's responses to my excesses and lapses
held up a mirror that often contained a very surprising, unflattering image. Just by being near
me and loving me, she challenged me to change and to grow. ow that we're married, the
precess continues, an both of us are the better for it. As a married man put it in a recent issue
of Esquire: "Marriage is like boxing; you can run but you can't hide. Sooner or later, you're going
to end up in a clinch888and it's in the clinches where you learn the most about yourself, where
your strength is really tested."
In another issue of Esquire, a man is quoted by "Ethics" columnist Laurence Shames: "I
read somewhere that wolves mate for life. Which sort of surprised me, because I used to have
this nagging feeling that it was the adenturous wolflike side of me that wanted to keep my
options open, and the more passive, meeker side of me that craved the closeness and security of
being with just one woman. ow I think it's just the opposite. Servicing the flock may be a
pleasant occupation, but it doesn't call for any great distinction in character; any second8rate billy
goat can do it. It's commitment that calls for fierceness and vigilance and all the other qualities
that make us think of the wolf as noble."
6. MARRIAGE QUESTIOS
A man saw a sign in a grocery store that said compare our low prices. He asked, compare with
what? And the manager said with next weeks prices. We want to compare our past with the
present and future hopes.
A. PAST
1. Money88to little and conflicts.
2. Sex88satisfactory but not super.
3. Religion88seldom to never disagree.
Ask each to evaluate the other mate as to which of three areas has been the cause of most
conflict, and which of the three have seen most improvement, and which of the three most
needs improvement.
B. PRESET
1. Money
2. Sex
3. Religion
C. FUTURE
1. Money
2. Sex
3. Religion
7. MATES__STADIG_____MATES
miss
8.
MARRIAGE DEFIITIOS
1. Wayne Oates, professor at Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, says:"Marriage is a
covenant of responsible love, a fellowship of repentance and forgiveness."
2. David Augsburger, Mennonite minister, "The Christian understands marriage as a covenant
made under God and in the presence of fellow members of the Christian family. such a pledge
endures, not because of the force of law or the fear of its sanctions, but because an
unconditional covenant has been made. a covenant more solemn, more binding, more permanent
that any legal contract."
3.Dwight Small, "One new life existent in two persons."
4. Elton Trueblood, "A system by means of which persons who are sinful and contentious are so
caught up by a dream and a purpose bigger than themselves that they work through the years,
in spite of repeated disappointment, to make the dream come true."
5. Dr. David Hubbard, President of Fuller Seminary said, "Marriage does not demand perfection.
But it must be given priority. It is an institution for sinners. o one else need apply. But it finds
its fullest glory when sinners see it as God's way of leading us through His ultimate curriculum of
love and righteousness."
6. Art Carey in In Defense of Marriage wrote, "I like the way it was put by Dr. Walter

Brackelmanns, a marital therapist who is host of a symdicated television show called Couples. In
an interview in Us magazine, he said: "Marriage is a very imperfect institution full of imperfect
people struggling to hide from or resolve problems. It is, however, the only place where two
people have a chance at an intimate, warm, caring, loving, meaningful, deep, total and real
relationship with each other."
MARRIAGE VOWS
MARRAIGE VOWS FOR A LASTIG LOVE
(To be read by both Bride and Groom)
I PROMISE88to love you always for who you are and never to ask you to be who
you are not.
I PROMISE88to respect the fact that your ideas and opinions may be differrent
from mine, bu thold as much truth and value for you as mine do for
me.
I PROMISE88to verbalize and demonstate my admiration, respect, and appreciation
for you as a person.
I PROMISE88to care more about your feelings than about being right. To always
listen without judging.
I PROMISE88to take responsibility for my own happiness and not expect you to
provide it for me.
I PROMISE88to love myself, for the more I love myself, the more love I am able
to give you.
I PROMISE88to acknowledge and honor my own feelings and to share them with
you.
I PROMISE88to pay equal attention to both your emotional and physical need
for closeness.
I PROMISE88to always treat you as the most important person in my life, because
you are.
The only time an examination is difficult is when you don't know the answers. So with marriage,
it is only hard when you don't know the answers.
MATURITY
J. Allen Peterson writes, "The problem is not the marriage, but the people in it. If the
partners can develop more mature attitudes, all areas of their relationship will improve. The
journey toward a happy marriage is the journey from childishness to maturity, form egocentricity
to the commitment of love. Maturity, then, is the secret of a well8adjusted marriage in any
society.
Dr. David Mace said, "There are no unhappy marriages, only married partners who are
immature."
MOEY
For many decades the primary problems of marriage revolved around sex and affection, but
in recent years the evidence says that money issues have become the major area of conflict and
unhappiness. Authorities agree that money is no longer a private matter for the man to take care
of, but is an issue that needs to include the wife and even the children. To keep this area of life
hidden adds a lot of strain on a marriage. Every member of the family should know how much
money is coming into the home and how it is being spent.
Mates can have totally different ideas about money. One of them may be an impulsive buyer
who does not think of all the issues. Chuck Snyder admits he is such a buyer. He once bought a
set of exercise equipment without checking to see if it would fit into his basement. It didn't. His
wife Barb is much more cautious, and she checks out all the angles first. They decided they
should set a limit to what either of them could spend without the other. He suggested $10,000,
but she preferred to set it at $15.00. He is stressing their radical differences in the way they feel
about money. It is important to learn this about your mate, and discuss it, and come to some

ways by which you can each be comfortable with the others value system in regard to money.
One husband said his wife was too gullible when it came to money. She gave a generous
donation to the woman who came to the door collecting funds for the wife of the unknown
soldier. Or what about the wife who complained to her husband about the bill for $19.75 they
kept getting every month for his father's funeral expenses. "Oh yeah!" he said, "Dad wanted to
be buried in a tux, and he didn't have a tux, so we rented one."
It is wise to get a feel for your mates view of money before you marry. He or she may show
evidence that they will be workaholics and never be satisfied with the amount of money they get.
This leads to a lot of unhappy marriages where there is plenty of money, but no loving
relationship. Or they might give evidence of indifference to money and you can expect a life of
no ambition to get ahead and have to live a life being deprived of the abundance that is enjoyed
all around you. The two extremes are marriage wreckers and it would be helpful to avoid them
before you marry.
Many wives are frustrated because they have husbands who do not know how to handle
money. They have no concept of saving for the future, and planning for sending their children to
college. They treat their wives like children and do not let them have any say in financial matters.
Many of these wives could save them a lot of grief if they were allowed to be the money
managers, but they have no say, because the men feel they would lose their role as head of the
home if they gave her the job.
Wise are those couples who look long and hard at who is the best person to handle money,
and then let that one do it. Money plays a major role in your life, and the one who is able to
make it do more for your relationship should be in charge. Wives can be just as poor money
managers as husbands, and so if they happen to be the major earners in the marriage, they
need to turn over the checkbook to their mate. Both partners should always know what is going
on, and have their input, but one is usually, and clearly so, the wiser money manager, so let
them do what they are good at.
either mate should have to beg the other for spending money. Each should have access to a
small amount of money they can spend as they like, and not have to give an account to anyone.
This gives a sense of freedom and independence, and it eleminates a lot of petty conflicts and
frustrations. Self8respect and self8esteem are maintained by this plan, and both mates will be
happier because of it. Without this individual control of some money, you can count on fighting
resentment.
One author suggested that the period of the month when a man has to pay all the bills, is for
him, somewhat similar to the time of the month when a woman has her period. He may have all
sorts of tensions as he pours out his life blood to make ends meet. He may feel depleated and
discouraged. He could take out his frustrations on the rest of the family. Mates need to be aware
of the emotions that are in operation when money matters need to be taken care of, and be
understanding and supportive.
MIDDLE AGE
1. Mrs. Krankheit picked three o'clock in the morning of a freezing January day to wake her
long8suffering spouse and complain, "Hubert, you never make love to me the way you did when
we were married thirty8five years ago." "Please, Ruby," he begged, "be a good girl and let me
get a little sleep. I got a hard day at the office tomorrow." "You used to be so romantic," she
persisted. "A regular wild bull! Remember, you used to bite me on the fingers, on the cheek, on
the neck....Why don't you do it any more?" "Ruby," he explained wearily, "such monkeyshines is
for honeymooners. We're too old. Let's go back to sleep," "Just once," she continued, with the
hint of tears in her voice, "you should bite me like you did thirty8five years ago."
"All right," he agreed reluctantly. "Go over to the dressing table and get me my teeth."
2.

MID8LIFE
1. Henry Thoreu observing the letdown that often comes to people midstream in life, wrote in
his Journal: "The youth gets his materials together to build a bridge to the moon, or, perchance,
a palance or temple on the earth, and, at length, the middle8aged man concludes to build a
woodshed withthem."
2.
MOEY
1. Marriage would work out better if both sides would operate not ony on a fifty8fifty basis but
on a thrifty8thrifty basis as well.
2. A man and a wife posing for pictures asked how they should look natural and they
photographer said have her put her hands in your pocket. We read in Gen. after man came
woman and she has been after him ever since. Many men feel that what she is after is his
money. Someone said girls no longer marry for better or for worse but for more or less. When a
woman finds a man with money to burn she feels she would make a good match.
One man was complaining at work, "My wife is always begging me for money. On Monday
she wanted a ten. On tuesday she wanted a 5, and now again this morning she wanted a 5."
His friend said, "What in the world does she do with it all?" "othing," said the complainer, "I
haven't given her any yet." A young bride was asked when did you get aquainted with your
husband? And she replied, "The first time I asked him for money after we were married."
You can call her sweetheart, darling or honey,
You can call her your beauty, your baby or bunny,
But you have to face up to this fact, though its not funny,
Shes never quite satisfied till you give her some money.
Adrian Anderson wrote MY WODERFUL WIFE.
I have lifted her to
And extremely high pedestal.
(Let those who will begrudge it!)
For she has learned to
Run our house
On an extremely low budget!
Money passed up sex as the number one cause for marriage problems.
* Share: Who has the greatest weakness with money? Mates should communicate on this
touchy issue and be honest about how they feel. Thinking together is more important than
thinking alike.
* Share on money in my life88past, present, future.
Christians must face up to the reality of the material world and have some principles by which
they deal with it. To say money is all important of not important at all is to fail to adjust to
reality. Money is neither good nor evil in itself, but it is a resource for both. Jesus enjoyed the
good things of life like food and clothing and fun at a wedding. He had places where he was well
fed and sheltered such as the home of Mary and Martha and Lazarus. He warned,however of the
danger of material things chocking out the seed of the Word in Matt 13:22, mark 10:24. Money
can only make happy people happier, it cannot make unhappy people happy.
Security is important to families. Mom always kept some money in the couch so she would
have something to fall back on. James Jauncy in The Magic of Marriage wrote, "Every man has to
be prepared to make sacrifice for his wife and family. What they need takes precedence over
what he wants."
Major decisions must be made in mutual agreement. o major economic decision should be
made without the consent of the other.
Tell of the man who bought beautiful stove and wife not happy because she saw other uses for
their savings. It was to be a surprise and the surprise was his for he never dreamed she would
have a negative reaction to such a positive gift.

Peter: "My wife doesn't even understand me, does yours?"
John: "I dont know, I've never heard her mention your name."
* Take paper and write C E T S
C. Can your mate handle money wisely and efficiently?
E. Enough money coming in would or would not solve most of our problems?
. ame the primary cause for your conflicts over money.
T. Try to conceive inheriting a hundred thousand dollars. Which of you would be
most likely to abuse it and mismanage it and waste it?
S. Suppose you lost everything. Which of you would find it hardest to adjust?
Wife: "Dear, I've got my heart set on a Rolls Royce."
Husband: "Good, but that will be the only part of your anatomy that will ever set on one."
A husband complained to his wife that he could not face any more bills, and she said,"My dear, I
don't want you to face them I want you to foot them."
One woman asked another how she was able to get so much money out of her husband and she
said, "I just tell him I am going back to mother and he hands me the fare."
Matt 19:16826 He did not possesses his money, his money possessed him. How would you
change if you had a million dollars?
Money proplems: "Money often sets off the bell for the next round of marital battle."
a. bad management
b. who should handle it.
c. emotional uses to punish mate.
d. different values
e. keeping up with the Joneses.
Money Attitudes.
A. The Bathroom Towel Attitude. His and Hers. Each handles own finances.Leads to conflict over
who is paying for this and that and keeps weness at a distance.
B. I'll Pick Up The Check Attitude. They need to impress others with their success or generosity
and thus boaster their ego and reassure themselves of their importance. They surround
themselves with adult toys.
C. The Commanding General Attitude. They use money to control others, and especially their
wives. The wife does not know wha the makes or saves. He may also use money to bestow
favour on those who submit to his dominion. It is used to keep children dependent even after
leaving home.
D. Heres A Dollar Worth of Love Attitude. He buys his wife nice things and expects sex in
return. In a fight he reminds her of all he has purchased for her. o time with children but
gives them gifts and dollars whenever they need it.
E. The Save For A Rainy Day Attitude. They live under the constant fear of financial doom and
thus they over save.
F. The Pack Rat Attitude. They simply enjoy collecting money like a miser.
G. Don't Save It For Your Kids To Fight Over Attitude. They over spend trying to make up for
past failure and end up in debt.
H. The Bull Whip Attitude. They use money to force everyone into line. If they don't get sex
the money is hard to come by. And the kids must be obedient or the loot dries up.
The young girl was worried about the amount of money her boy friend was spending on her
on dates. Mother she said how is the best way to stop him from spending so much money? the
only sure way she said is to marry him.
"A successful man is one who can make more money than his wife can spend. A successful
woman is one who can find such a man."

Lord Dewar, "Love is an ocean of emotion entirely surrounded by expenses."
3. In American Couples, a book based on an extensive ten8year study of the impact of finacnes,
work, and sex on relationships, authors Philip Blumstein and Pepper Schwartz call money "the
last frontier of self8disclosure." "Money," they write, "is often a more taboo topic of conversation
than sex, and courting couples may discuss their proir sex lives while never raising the question
fo their economic histories."
That money matters are often a largely, if not entirely, neglected topic of conversation
between two people falling in love is certainly understandable. It's not very romantic to provide
your beloved with a detailed account of your pension benefits, charitable contributions, or child
support payments, nor is it terribly entertaining to spend time explaining to the object of your
affections why you've chosen to balance your portfolio between tax8free bonds and aggressive88
growth mutual funds.
People so much want to be loved for themselves that they often look upon revealing the
extent of their wealth or indebtedness as a risky business. Those fortunate souls with oodles of
money may not want to say they have lots of it for fear that prospective mates will be impressed
for all the wrong reasons. Those people with money problems may fear their predicaments will
make them less viable candidates for a trip to the altar. Either way, a lack of complete prenuptial
candor when it comes to the black or red ink in one's ledger books is not a deliberate deceit so
much as it is a bit of discreet prewedding editing.
On top of all this, most of us consider our own ways of handling dollars and cents a deeply
personal and private affair. Justifying our fiscal methodology to a loved one before marriage can
go against the grain, reminding us88when we may not want to be consciously reminded888that
marriage will mean giving up a certain degree of autonomy in this area, too! And divulging our
individual financial eccentricities and superstitions can make us feel embarrassed.
James Dobson writes, "Men and women tend to have different value systems which precipitate
arguements about money. My father, for example, was a hunter who thought nothing of using
three boxes of shot gun shells in an afternoon of recreational shooting. Yet, if my mother spent
an equal amount of money on a "useless" potato peeler, he considered it wasteful. ever mind
that she enjoyed shopping as much as he did hunting.
They simply saw things differently."
Curiously, those with unlimited financial resources are in no less jeopardy. One of the richest
men of his time, J. Paul Getty, owned and estate that exceeded 4 billion in net worth. This is
what he wrote in his autobiography as quoted in the Los Angeles Times,
January 9, 1981.
I have never been given to envy...Saved for the envy I feel toward those
people who have the ability to make a marriage work and endure happily. Its
and art I have never been able to master. My record: Five marriages, five divorces.
In short, five failures.
The articles continues:
He termed the memories of his relationship with five sons "painful." Much of
his pain has been pasted on with his money. His most treasured offspring,
Timothy, a frail child born when Getty was fifty8three, died in 1958 at the
age of 12 of surgical complications after a sickly life spent mostly separated
from his father who was forever away on business.
Other members of the Getty family also suffered from tragic circumstances.
A grandson, J. Paul Getty III, was kidnapped and held for a ransom of $2.9
million. When Getty refused to pay, they held the boy for five months and
eventually cut off his right ear. Getty's oldest son apparently committed suicide
amid strange circumstances. Another son, Gordon Paul Getty, has been described
as living a tortured existence. He was ridiculed in correspodence by his father and
was the least favorite son. Similar sorrow has followed other members of this
unfortunate family.
Dobson quotes Burkett as saying, "...Most families in financial trouble got there because of
the husbands impulsive spending. As a general rule, women are far more careful with money
than men. They tend to be more security oriented and have an inherent fear of debt..

4. How do you meet expenses?
My wife introduces them to me.
MORALITY
1. "It is curious to hear such men urage that we ought to repuliate Christian morality and
develop a new ethics to suit the unethical lives of a few thousand individuals they have polled.
Because statisticals can find 5000 living carnal lives, it is suggested that their ideal shall be made
the universal ideal. An equal number of cases of lockjaw could be found in the United States,
one wonders if lockjaw should therefore be made a physical standard of health? Sins do not
become virtues by being widely practice. Right is still right if nobody is right, and wrong is wrong
if everybody is wrong. Some have contended that sex aberrations are as common as the
common cold; but nobody has so far asked us to consider the cold normal and desirable.

AGGIG
1. Ridenour wrote, "J Allan Petersen analyzed the syndrome of nagging in this manner.
agging is basically a woman's weapon used against the man
in her marriage. The recurrent irritationof nagging is designed
to get the wife what she wants. When her husband surrenders
out of exasperation, he secretly hates himself for doing it and
then sets his feet a littel more so that the next ime around she
has to nag more than she did before to accomplish the same
purpose. This state of affairs continues until finally the woman
has formed a habit of nagging, nagging to get what she wants.
She really is achieving her selfish purpose at the expense of
her marriage. While she obtains personal and immediate
satisfaction of her "want," she sacrifices something very
valuable in the relationship. The wife who has to obtain by
nagging is a self8confessed failure as a wife. She is admitting, "I
don't know how to make my husband so pleased with me, so
grateful for me, and so proud of me that he will be happy to to
something that pleases me." The nagging wife should ask
herself, "How much do I really love? What do I know about real
love?" agging basically is an expression of a selfish independ8
dence.
2.
EEDS
1. If a girl who is used to being hugged and shown affection marries a guy who grew up where
affection was scare, this will be a problem even if they love each other, if they do not share this
need. The point is every person has unique needs and they need to make it clear to their mate
what those needs are. We tend to marry to get our own needs met. That is not bad, but
growth is in discovering how to meet the needs of your mate. A marriage needs to be mutually
beneficial. It is folly to assume your mate knows your need. They need to be told over and over
again. eeds change too and this has to be communicated.
2. A hostess in the mountains said to a visitor, "If there is anything you need just call me and I'll
show you how to get along without it." She was saying many things we feel are needs are really
only wants.
I rush to bargain counters
I will not be impeded
I find such wild strange objects
I never knew I needed.
3. Some needs are hard to meet. Women sometimes need to talk when there is little or nothing

to say. This can be as tough as trying to continue a phone conversation after the other party
has hung up. If is hard to be a creative conversationalist when you do not feel that same need.
4. ot all needs are felt needs. You need vitamins and all sorts of things physically. You need
exercize for your health. There are many needs that you do not feel and are not aware of, and
so you can't go by your feelings alone to understand your needs. You often even need what you
don't want. You may not want insurance, but you still need it. You may not want to understand
your mates needs, but you do have that need whether you want it or not.
5. orman Wright gives this list:
1. Completion Gen. 2:18,24.
2. Consolation Prov. 12:25, 25:11 Gal. 6:12.
3. Communication
4. Coition or sexual fulfillment
5. Creation of new life.
6. Correlation or cooperation Eph. 4:15816.
7. Christianization example for evangelism.
6. Jack R. Taylor wrote, "
1. A wife needs acceptance. She needs to feel that she has been valued and received as a
person of worth to her husband. The need of acceptance is such that it requires continuous
affirmation. Rejection or fear of rejection is a problem in a vast majority of people. The wife
looks to her husband for acceptance.
2. A wife need assurance. There needs to be constant visible and vocal reassurance made
on the part of the husband. It is not that she has a bad memory, but htat she has a continuing
appetite for assurance.
3. A wife needs identity. She is continuously asking, "Who am I? Will someone please tell
me who I am?" She wants her husband to tell he rwho she is. A wise husband will help his wife
to identify herself as a child of God with a meaningful relaitonship with Him and then as his wife.
Following that will be her responsibility with the children. Loss of identity is not an uncommon
problem in the life of a wife. Often a sudden change of locaitons, surroundings, or events will
cause an identity crisis. If a wife's life is isolated in bringing up the children and not identified
with her husband and his desires and needs, she will likely have an identity crisis when the
children leave home.
4. A wife needs support and backing form the husband. She needs to feel that her husband
is onher side, even when he does not agree with her ideas or conduct. It is shuttering when a
wife is caused to feel that her husband is not in her corner.
5. A wife needs understanding. Better still, she needs to feel understood. I asked my wife
if a man had to know everything about a woman inorder to have that understanding. In the
discussion we agreed that, if a man gave himself to seeking to understand his wife, he would
surely succeed in meeting her need at this point. What he lacked in information he would more
than make up for it with an understanding manner and make her feel understood.
6. A wife needs trust. othing is more debilitating in a wife's mind than suspicion or
distrust. In trusting her he is saying, "I look upon you as a trustworthy person."
7. A wife needs the confidence of her husband. While akin to trust, confidence involces
more than trust. She feels that her value as a person is tied to what you think of her capability.
Again there is a constant need for visualixed and vocalized reassurance at this point.
8. A wife needs the attentions of her husband. She needs to feel that her husband is
continuously mindful. This is the reason that gentlemenaly behavior is so important to a woman.
She reads inot every little action either positive or negative clues to the care of her husband.
9. A wife needs thepraises of her husband. Vocal adoration is a constant need of the wife.
10. A wife needs physical help from her husband. A wife's mental8spiritual8physical make8up
is so closely interrelated tha a failure in any area will show in all areas. Doing the dishes for your
wife or helping her with the housework will ahve interrelated effect. Running the vacuum
cleaner may have as much impact as the expert exposition of a Scripture passage.
11. A wife needs rest and time off from responsibilites. She has a total sense of
responsibility which negates the possibility of her forsaking a job. She will driver herself to total
exhaustion if not given room to rest. If her husband does not lead out in this, resentment and
bitterness will often result. What a sad report on your relationship if your wife thinks of you as a
slave8driver!
12. A wife needs leadership. She asks in dozens of ways to be led. If she isnot led, then

independence and frustration will result. Loving leadership is a constant need. The wife needs a
sense of planning and direction about her life as a wife.
13. A wife needs tender, loving care. Among her many moods there will be times when
nothing else will work. "Just hold me!" will often be her plea. The wise husband should need
no further explanation for unconditional action.
14. A wife needs her opinions and ideas to be heard. If a wife feels that she is not listened
to seriously by her husband she will sense rejection.
15. A wife needs protection against tendencies in her life which might be harmful to her
welfare. She needs to be reminded of boundaries relating to physicla strength, emotional health,
and spiritual depth.
16. A wife needs to be included in finanical affairs with freedom to spend a part of the
money as her own with limitations.
17. A wife needs thoughtfulness on the part of her husband. She needs ot know that her
husband is thinking ofher. She can only know this through visible or vacal reminders.
18. A wife needs pretty things. The aesthetic sense of a woman is an innate feminine gift
from the heart of God. It would be a dull world without this need.
19. A wife needs constant assurance that her husband is committed to her medical needs.
When she is ill, she needs his care, his sympathy, and his presence as at no other time. His
going to the doctor with her is also an encouragement to her.
OVELTY
Falling in love is much easier than staying in love. Courtship is full of variety and novelty.
othing is boring, but everything is exciting. In marriage the novelty wears off, and people have
to work harder to keep the relationship fresh. This is even more so for people who require
massive doses of new stimuli to feel happy. These people cannot stand routine, repetition,
monotony, and dull people. On the other hand there are those who are willing to sacrifice
excitement for security. They feel comfortable with routine that is broken up once in a while by
vacations.
Those who feel the need for the novel will be more tempted by the new person in their life at
work or elsewhere. They will be impressed with the glamor of the new and be carried away by
fantasies. Such a partner needs a mate who is willing to explore new ways of love making and
new ways of making life exciting. Even with the other type mate there should always be a
seeking for some newness in the things you experience together. Boredom is a romance killer.
Dr. Popenoe writes, "Repetition of the same stimulus brings a steadily decreasing response, in
accordance with one of the most familiar of biological laws. To maintain a level of response, still
more to increase it, one must have continually stronger and stronger stimuli; Since the usual
soon becomes commonplace and monotonous, the unusual must be sought for increased
satisfaction."
O
OLD AGE
Dr. Edward Latch, chaplain of the U.S. House of Representatives told this story at the White
House. And elderly couple in their eighties lived in a home for the aging. One day they thought
it would be fun to go on a date; have a nice dinner, and then see a movie. So they did. The
ladies in the home were excited for her, and they put a corsage on her dress and a ribbon in her
hair, and said she had to tell them everything that happened when she returned. It was about
5:30 when they left and they were back around 10:00 p.m. The gentleman went up to bed right
away. But the ladies gathered around her, and began to fire their questions. What did he do?
What did he say? What happened? She said, "I'll tell you what happened. I had to slap him
three times." All agog, they begged for more8why? Why? She said, "I thought he was dead8he
kept going to sleep on me."

OEESS
1. In the long years liker must they grow:
The man he more of woman, she of man;
He gain in sweetness and in moral height,
or lose the wrestling thews that throw the world.
She mental breadth, nor fail in childward care
Move as the double8natured poet each
Till at the last she set herself to man
Like perfect music unto noble words." Tennyson
2.William Jennings Bryan put this inscription in the wedding ring of his wife, "won 188088one
1884."
3. When this happens in nature you get something very different than either of the two things
put together as one. Hydrogen and Oxygen make water for example. Salt is composed of two
things that are in themselves poison.
4. When two become one which one do they become? The answer is neither for they become a
third person. The person who is a combination of the other two so that both live through the
third person which is the two modified and enhanced by each other. The husband has his imput
and the wife has hers and the result is a third way of seeing life that is better and more complete
than either of the other two alone. This third person is better than either of the other two. This
person is called the We. ot I or You but We.
5, J. H. Fritze in Types of Marriages wrote, "An analogy to this can be two pieces of modeling
clay, both green. One is a lighter green than the other888here is the commonality. We knead
these two pieces of clay until there is one mass of green clay. On closer inspection the lines of
demarcation between the light and the darker green can be clearly seen. These two pieces of
clay have become "fused," yet they both retain their own identities.
6.
OEESS
"Married Love" by Kuan Tao8sheng (126381319)translation #1:You and I have so much loveThat
it burns like a fire, In which we bake a lump of clay
Molded into a figure of you a figure of me.Then we take both of them, And break them into
pieces, And mix the pieces with water, And mold again a figure of you, And a figure of me.I am
in your clay.You are in my clay.In life we share a single quilt, in death we will share one bed.
translation #2 :Take a lump of clay, wet it, pat it, And make an image of me, and an image of
you.Then smash them, crash them, and add a little water.Break them and remake them into an
image of you And an image of me.Then in my clay, there's a little of you.And in your clay, there's
a little of me.And nothing ever shall us sever; Living, we'll sleep in the same quilt,
And dead, we'll be buried together.
OPEESS
1. The ideal was Adam and Eve who were naked and yet not ashamed. To be totally exposed to
the one you love and not ashamed is the ultimate in intimacy.
In nature we see the spring come and beauty opens up everywhere. This is to be paralled in
marriage. e.e. cummings wrote88
your slightest look
easily will enclose me
thou i have closed
myself as fingers,
you open always petal
by petal
myself as Spring opens
(touching skillfully, mysteriously)
her first rose.
2. Autorities tend to agree that women are more open to admitting a problem and seeking a
solution. Men perfer to make problems go away by ignoring them. Many feel that men invest so
much of their energy into work that they do not have the emotional reservior to cope with the

interpersonal needs of marriage. He wants home to be a place of refuge from problems and not
a place to go on dealing with them.
The wife may also work and be tired of problems, but still feels the need to deal with them.
In order to get her husband provoked into caring she tends to open up her filing cabinet of
miserable memories88all the times and ways he has hurt her. Women are like elephants and they
never forget. One husband said, "My wife has a terrrible memory" the friend, "You mean she
forgets everything?" "o, I mean she remembers everything." Men tend to let the past go but
wives keep it one file for amunition. As the weaker sex, this is one of their weapons they use to
push their husbands buttons. They do not necessarily like it, but anything is better than
indifference.
3. The greater the number of differences in our marriage the greater the need for the couple to
be open. The sensitive person will be easily offended because they will read into word and
actions what is not intended by the other. It is important to be honest and give details about
how you feel so the other knows exactly what you are saying.
4. What does it mean to be dialogical? It means being willing and able to learn. It assumes
that someone else has something significant to say. Preachers and teachers, doctors and judges,
even most parents, are often sadly monological. We tend to be quite ready to give answers.
Sometimes we do not even hear the questions clearly. "Don't confuse me with the facts, my
mind's made up" is the monological slogan. But the person who knows how to communicate can
learn from a five8year8old child, a man sweeping the street, or even his wife. Dialogue takes the
other person seriously.
5. John Powell wrote, "Most psychologists are of the opinion that, if one of the parties in a love8
relationship really and truly opens up to the other as an actr of loving self8disclosure, the other
will soon reciprocate. The underlying reasoning of such reciprocity is: You have trusted me. I
will trust you. Therefore, people with uncooperative partners might well ask of themselves the
following questions:
1. Am I truly opening myself as act of love? Or have I been simply ventilating
my own emotions, manipulating my partner?
2. Have I truly wanted unity, to know and to be known, or have my efforts at dialogue
really been a pursuit of my own happiness and satisfaction?
3. Do I invite the openness of my partner only through my own openness, or do I pressure
him, poke with probing questions into aresa that he has not voluntarily opened? Have I driven
him into a defensive posture by my frontal attacks on his privacy?
4. Do I have a sense that we are collaborators or competitors? Do I want my partner to be
open more for his sake or for my own? If he did open up, would I feel that it was a victory for
my perseverance of his victory over his own inhibitions?
5. What suppressive techniques might I be using without even knowing it? In general do I
look so depressed and fragile that no onewould dare tell me the truth? Or do I look so
domineering that no one would want to risk his individuality with me?
6. How have I received my partner's attempts at openness in the past? Have I ever used
his self8revelation to "hit back" in an argument?
7. Have I exposed muy own needs, deficiencies, and imcompleteness in such a way that
my partner knows that he does not have to fear me? Doe my partner know of my need to know
him, to share whatever he is and whatever is in him?
8. Am I, in general, the type who is always ready to give advice? Do I usually feel that I
know what is best for people even when they do not realize it themselves?
9. How do I speak to my partner of the confidence I have received from others? Would
he see in me a judgemental, harsh or condescending person? He may have seen the dried blood
of others under my fingernails, and not wanted to risk his own tender flesh.
10. Am I too filled with my own emotions to be truly present and available to my partner?
ORDER
Many comedians and comedy sketches have addressed how
"slovenly" men are, while the "beleaguered" wife tries to
cope with his "messes," including the much mentioned:

"leaving the toilet seat up."
Men, on the other hand, are always complaining about
women's messes: hose, bra's, panties, etc. hanging on the
shower curtain rod; "gooey" cosmetics all over the bathroom;
doilies and knick8knacks all over the house. Using his tools
without asking...going through his private papers and mail.
P
PLEASURE
1. Ethel Person in Dreams Of Love and Fateful Encounters wrote, "But pleasure as a relief from
tension is too narrow a definition to account for all the different forms of pleasure. C.S. Lewis
distinguishes between two kinds of pleasure. He defines the first group of pleasures as those
preceeded by desire and realized by gratification of that desire. The pleasure that comes from
the release of sexual tension would certainly be among this group, as would be the pleasure of
drinking a glass of water when one is thirsty. The second group, however, consists of
experiences that are pleasurable in their own right, without prior need or tension. As an
example, Lewis points to the pleasure we take in the unexpected fragrance of flowers. This
pleasure may be great, but it was unsolicited and not desired as a release from tension or the
sating of an appetite. Lewis refers to these two separate categories of pleasure as, respectively,
"eed8pleasures" and "Pleasures of Appreciation." The pleasure of appreciation do not gratify
needs; instead our appreciation comes unbidden, elicited by the object.
The pleasures that people give to one another are of both kinds. While the pleasure a child
takes in its mother may be regarded as related to the need pleasure, one's subjective impression
is that romantic love is related to the pleasure of appreciation, that love is elicited by our delight
in the beloved. But, as we shall see, romantic love is characterized by both "need pleasures" and
"pleasures of appreciation." It is simultaneously selfish )aimed at satifying the lover's needs and
releasing his tensions) and altruistic (having no aim at all beyond the appreciation of the beloved
and the granting of pleasure to her.)
PARADOX OF LOVE
1. Here is the dilemma as presented by the political theorist, Hans Morgenthau:
......if love is a reunion of two human beings who belong together, that reunion can nver be
complete for any length of time. For except in the Liebestod, which destroys the lovers by
uniting them, it stops short of the complete merger of the individualities of the lovers. It is the
paradox of love that it seeks the reunion of two individuals while leaving their individualities
intact. A and B want to be one, yet they must want to preserve each other's individuality for the
sake of their love for each other. So it is their very love that stands in the way of their love's
consummation.
2. Ethel Person in Dreams of Love and Fateful Encounters wrote, "There is a lovly song from
Purcell's "The Fairy Queen" which sounds this theme:
If love's a sweet passion, why does it torment?
If a bitter, oh tell me whence comes my content?
Since I suffer with pleasure, why should I complain,
Or grieve at my fate when I know 'tis in vain?
Yet so pleasing the pain is, so soft is the dart,
That at once it both wounds me and tickles my heart.
The way in which love is in fact heightened by pain is well described by Emerson" "In the noon
and afternoon of life we still throb at the recollection of days when happiness was not happy
enough, but must be drugged with the relish of pain and fear; for he touched the secret of the
matter who said of love. 'All other pleasures are not worth its pains.' The pain takes many
forms."
3.
PARETS

1. Charlie Shedd is certainly one of America'a most intriguing writers on the subject of Christian
family life. As a young man, Charlie began lecturing on "How to Raise Your Children." He really
wowed 'em throughout the Midwest. Then he and Martha had a child. Charlie change the title
of his talk to "Some Suggestions to Parents." After they had two more children, he reduced the
title to "Feeble Hints to Fellow Strugglers.
PATIECE
1. This is a virtue you develop by coping with problems and irritations. Your mate becomes one
of your best patience testers, but also patience builders. They know all of your flaws and
weaknesses and know how to push your buttons and find your achilles heal. They have the
power to manipulate you when they are not loving, but you have then the opportunity to grow in
love by responding not in like kind but with patience. It is trials that produce patience. If all goes
smooth you do not need it.
2. The key is to choose to respond and not go by the emotions. I used to think that there was a
conspiracy among check out girls to waste as much of my time as they possible could by having
the roll in the register come to an end just when it was my turn to go through, and by talking to
a friend while I waited. I had to learn to talk to myself and choose not to say what I was feeling.
Choice can alter the feelings and give you control. If you choose to focus on the problems and
the needs of other and take the focus off yourself you can have the patience you need.
Impatience is self8centered, whereas, patience is other centered.
PERFECTIOISM
1. This is a leading cause of nagging that hurts a marriage. A child brought up with such strict
parents who demand perfection will become a mate that tends to nag because nothing is ever
just right with their mate or anyone else. They see fault everywhere and thus are ever
complaining. This leads men to work late when they do not have to and drink and anything that
gives them a break from the constant nagging.
I PETER 3:7
1. Ed Wheat in The First Years of Forever 1988 wrote, "Jay Adams comments,
Husbands are addressed directly, and commanded...to be
careful and considerate about how they live with (their
wives). They must stop living in ignorance of their wives'
problems, desires, needs, longings, fears, etc. (as so many
men do who have never bothered to try to come to an
understanding of them), but literally, "according to knowl8
edge"888in an understanding way.
The old cliche, "You'll never understand a woman," must
be squelched. Husbands need to be told888as, indeed, Peter
tells them888 "There is one woman you must understand:
your woman! God commands it."
How does a man go about understanding his wife? First, by wanting to understand her so
much he will give himself over to the adventure of knowing her. Second, by making a careful
and loving study of her. One young husband describes how he spent time noticing everything
about his bride888even the rhythm of her breathing. He discovered that when she was angry she
began cleaning out closets and drawers; that when she was troubled, she stared out of the
windows. He knew what it meant when she looked down and did not meet his eyes. He came
to understand what it signified when she turned her face against his shoulder. He observed her
blushes, her passing moods, and her changing expressions. She came to realize that when he
asked her, "What are you thinking?" he really wanted to know, because he longed to know her
as deeply as possible. This young man literally "dwelt with her in knowledge."
Respect for your wife is the second gift of love based on knowledge. This respect calls for
gentleness toward her. Peter explaians to husbands that their wives are not inferior to them, but
different. You need to understand that your wife is physically weaker and emotionally more
senstive and vulnerable, and sok must be handled with care. Jay Adams observes that many
men treat their wives as they would an old tin garage can, rather than as a fragile88and valuable8
8container, "a fragile vase, Ming dynasty!"

We have been considering up until now ew Testament counsel to husbands,but to learn
how to apply this respect principle, we must turn to the Old Testament where we find the only
book in the Bible devoted exclusively to love, sex, and marriage. The Song of Solomon reveals
the pattern of married love as God designed it, gives a practical model for the love life of
husband and wife, and guides us in living the principles in Eph. 5 and I Peter 3:7. We suggest
that you read this with your wife and make it a part of your own language of love.
2.
PHIL. 4:8.
1. Barter
Sara Teasdale
Life has loveliness to sell,
All beautiful and splendid things,
Blue waves whitened on a clifff,
Soaring fire that sways and sings,
And children's faces looking up,
Holding wonder like a cup.
Life has loveliness to sell,
Music like a curve of gold,
Scent of pine trees in the rain,
Eyes that love you, arms that hold,
And for your spirit's still delight,
Holy thoughts that star the night.
Spend all you have for loveliness,
Buy it and never count the cost;
For one white singing hour of peace
Count many a year of strife well lost,
And for a breath of ecstasy
Give all you have been, or could be.
2.
PARET
1. In Optimism: The Biology of Hope, anthropologist Lionel Tiger poses the paradox of
parenting, asking how an intelligent and otherwise self8interested being can be a parent.
When all is said and done, the act of being a parent in volves a set
of radically unselfish and often incomprehedsibly inconvenient
activities of various kinds elect to seek housing and provide food
and other facilities for completely dependent organisms whose
personal schedules, furthermore, could not be at greater variance with
adult ones, and who will involve their parents literally for decades in a
compromist between a program of work or pleasure and the requirements
of their offspring. It is not altogether remarkable that parents may have
one child, if only in error or because of confused expectations of bliss. What
is truly remarkable is that most parents have more than one child.
POETRY
We may be fat.
and we may be simple
Where It should be flat,
we pucker &. dimple
but i'll tell you one thing
sure as heaven's above
when we're all dead and boney.
at least we had love..

They tell me that i'm guilty, and for me there'd be no bail,
my only crime is loveing you, that's put me in this jail.
There are no chains to bind me, no bars to keep me in,
just the special way you touched my heart and the love i feel within.
I"ll do my time with no regret, no sorrow & no strife.
you see my love because we met, my sentence is for life.
Our love affair, may it always be
A flame to burn through eternity.
So, take my hand with a fervent prayer,
That we may live and we may share
A love affair to remember.
POETRY
1. "Most mammalslike caresses, in the sense
in which we usually take the word,
whereas other creatures, even tame snakes,
prefer giving to receiving them."
The pensive gny, the staid aardvark,
Accept caresses in the dark,
The bear, equipped with paw and snout;
Would rather take than dish it out.
But snakes, both paisonous and garter,
In love are never known to barter;
The worm, though dank, is sensitive
His noble nature bids him give.
But you, my dearest, have a soul
Encompassing fish, flesh, and fowl.
When amorous arts we would pursue,
You can, withpleasure, bill or coo.
You are, in truth, one in a million,
At once mammaliam and reptilian. Theodor Roethke
2. Edna Dowling gave this to me years ago. An Ode To My Husband
I love the little faults you have
Because they're part of you;
I love your easy8going ways;
And the careless things you do.
I love the way yoiu leave your pj's
Lying on the floor
And your slippers topsy turvy
Thrown inside the closet door.
I love the way you splash the bowl
And leave loose hair around
And razor blades and lotions
Can anywhere be found.
And when the rush is over
And you're off for the day
I love to take the trail you blaze
And put your things away.
It's not because I love to work
It's just because its fun
To wait upon my husband
(He's an extra special one.)
3. Do I love thee? Ask the bee
If she loves the flowery lea,

Where the honeysuckle blows
And the fragrant clover grows.
As she answers Yes or o,
Darling! take my answer so.
Do I love thee? Ask the bird
When her mating song is heard,
If she loves the sky so fair,
Fleecy cloud and liquid air,
As she answers Yes or o.
Darling take my answer so.
Do I love thee? Ask the flower
If she loves the vernal shower,
Or the kisses of the sun,
Or the dew when day is done.
As she answers Yes or o.
Darling! take my answer so. 888888John Godfrey Sazxe
4. Let my voice ring out and over the earth,
Through all the frief and strife,
With a golden joy in a silver mirth;
Thank God for Life!
Let my voice swell out through the great sbyss
To the azure dome above,
With a chord of faith in the harp of bliss,
Thank God for Love!
Let my voice thrill out beneath and above,
The whole world through;
O my Love and Live, O my Life and Love,
Thank God for you! 8888James Thomson
MY LOVE POETRY WRITTE TO LAVOE OVER MAY YEARS
While we were dating I wrote Lavonne a poem and sang it to her to the tune from Oklahoma. I
still remember it. It was written in 1955. It went like this:
Oh, I'm in love with Lavonne Stone,
I'm so in love and I call her my own,
I love her so dearly
That I'm almost nearly,
Out of my mind, I'm in love.
Oh, I'll love her for ever more,
I'm more in love than ever before.
There's no doubt about er,
I can't live without her,
Oh I want Lavonne for my own.
Since that first poem I have written a number of poems to Lavonne. In 1975 I wrote:
I think that I shall never see
A tree as lovely as my wife.
For though the tree gives much to me,
It cannot satisfy my life.
Its fruits and shade are very pleasing.

Its leaves are a wonders to behold.
But a forest of trees when I am freezing
Without you dear, would leave me cold.
Corney maybe, but loving. The same goes for this one I wrote in 1978:
If you could hear her mother
You would hear the name Lavonne.
But if her early friends you heard,
This is what you'd come upon:
ames like Bonnie or even Rocky
Were handles she wore then,
But she's been called much sweeter things
Since she met this guy named Glenn.
If you were near, this is what you'd hear,
Could you sneak into their vacinity:
You are my beautiful precious darling dear,
A gorgeous chunk of lucious femininity.
In January of 1991 I wrote Love For All Seasons:
I love you in the winter
Like the skier loves the snow.
I love you in the spring
Like the river loves to flow.
I love you in the summer
Like the swimmers love the sun.
I love you in the fall
Like the joggers love to run.
Whatever the season of the year,
Be it cloudy, or be it clear,
I love it Lavonne when you are near,
For I love you anytime of the year.
In Feburary of 1992 I wrote My Valentine to be sung to Hymn to Joy:
Lavonne, Lavonne, how I love you,
And adore your lovely face.
I can have no greater pleasure
Than to be in your embrace.
There are wonders all about me,
But the one I cherish dear
Is the wonder of the degree
Of my joy to have you near.
I could shout to all the people,
Let love be your only guide.
I could climb the highest steeple,
Shouting praises of my bride.
Lavonne, Lavonne, I'm so thankful
For the treasure of your love.
I pray God will grant it ever
To be one with you above.
In October of 1992 I wrote:

Lavonne you are so special.
I am so glad you are my bride.
When your healthy or your ill,
I treasure you by my side.
I can live without money,
Though I know it would be a chore,
But I just can't live honey
Without you there to adore.
Your love is not a luxury to me,
Something I could easily live without.
God made your love a real necessity.
Your love is what my life is all about.
On May 27, 1993 for our 37th anniversary:
It has now been thirty8seven
Of the best years of my life.
It has been a taste of heaven
To have you dear for my wife.
Oh how I love you my Lavonne.
Oh how I love you my wife.
Love like this must go on and on
In to everlasting life.
Your love is more precious to me
Than all silver and all gold;
Even in all eternity
All my love could not be told.
You are heaven's great gift to me.
You are part of God's great love.
It is my joy that I will be
Forever with you above.
In 1998 I wrote:
When you hug me thrills go through me.
Your more precious everyday.
I just love it when you woo me.
I just love the things you say.
There's no words the tongue can utter
That can tell you of my love.
I'm the toast and your the butter.
I just thank God up above.
Having you is my greatest pleasure.
Your the apple of my eye.
Your the one I'll always treasure,
Way beyond the day I die.
On Valentine's Day of 1999 I wrote:
It is almost forty three years

Since we both said those words I do.
We've had times of laughter and tears,
And through it all I've cherished you.
I look forward to the night time,
When I can lay with you in bed.
Hugging you is what I call fine.
I love you all from toes to head.
I love to wake up each morning,
And feel your body by my side.
Beautiful is your adorning,
I feel so proud you are my bride.
I love kisses we share each night,
And watching TV side by side.
You are so precious in my sight,
You give me feelings of such pride.
I know I'll love you forever.
Heaven without you would be bare.
My love no power can sever,
Forever our love we will share.
Your love is more precious than gold;
More sweet than the sweetest of wine.
My pleasure is when you I hold,
So please, please, be my valentine!
Then at some point I wrote this to Lavonne:
God made the ocean.
God made the beach.
But when God made you,
He sure made a peach.
Peaches grow in Florida:
California too,
But it took a state like So. Dak.
To grow a peach like you.
Lavonne you are a wonder,
You are precious as my wife,
It is my greatest blunder
to ever cause you strife.
You are my lover and my friend,
You are my pleasure every day.
Love like this will never end,
It will never pass away.
MAY 2003
The great bargain of my life
Was to get you for my wife.

Getting you was my greatest deal,
A t any cost you would be a steal.
You are lovely in my eyes,
You are precious in my sight,
othing in the earth or skies,
Is more beautiful and bright.
There's no words that I can say,
Ther's no price that I can pay,
That can in any way say,
How much I love you every day.
FEB. 2003
I'M SO THAKFUL TO OUR GOD ABOVE
FOR THE TREASURE OF YOUR LOVE.
IT IS MY GREATEST JOY I LIFE
TO HAVE YOU, DEAR, FOR MY WIFE..
OTHIG CA ROB ME OF MY JOY,
O FORCE CA MY LOVE DESTROY’;
YOU ARE THE PLEASURE OF MY HEART,
YOU ARE TRULY MY SWEETHEART
YOU ARE THE SWEETEST OE I KOW
WHE YOUR LOVE TO ME YOU SHOW.
I LOVE THE WARMTH OF YOUR EMBRACE
AS I KISS YOUR PRECIOUS FACE.
I REJOICE THAT YOU ARE MIE
FOR YOU ARE EVERY WAY SO FIE.
YOU ARE THE HELPER THAT I EED
AS YOU MY BODY AD SOUL FEED.
I COULD OT DO THE THIGS I DO
IF I HAD O OE LIKE YOU.
YOU ARE, AD THAT WITHOUT A DOUBT
THE OE THAT I MOST BRAG ABOUT.
YOU ARE MY TYPIST AD MY FRIED.
YOUR DEEDS OF LOVE JUST HAVE O ED.
O YOU I DAILY DO DEPED.
TO YOU, I ALL MY LOVE DO SED.
I OWE YOU MY FULL DEVOTIO,
BUT I HAVE THE CLEAREST OTIO,
IT WOULD TAKE MORE THA A OCEA
OF IK TO COVEY ALL MY EMOTIO.

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A LOVE POEM TO A MUCH LOVED WIFE
By Glenn Pease
Glorious stars that dot the night,
   How wonderful you are.
But I will shout with all my might,
   “There’s a greater wonder by far.!”
It is the wonder of my love
   For the wife God gave to me.
For nothing in the heavens above
   Are as awesome as is she.
She lightens up my every night.
   She gives warmth to me in bed.
She feeds my soul with her beauty bright,
   And she makes sure my bodies’ fed.
She meets my need for a best friend,
   And makes me glad to know,
Her love for me will never end,
   But will ever grow and grow.
There’s so much to be thankful for,
   When you find the ideal wife,
For you will love her more and more
   Throughout your earthly life.
And when this life is ended,
   And we join the saints above,
All that sin broke will be mended,
   And we’ll know eternal love.
So the wonder of the starry night
   Has nothing to compare
With this wonder, of which I write,
   The glorious love we share.

I FELL I LOVE WITH A ROCK AD A STOE
by Glenn Pease
After fifty seven years it finally dawned on me,
I have had an experience worthy of poetry.
This is a story that is uniquely my own,
For I fell in love with a Rock and a Stone.
This sounds very strange to all, I know,
But its truth in this poem I'll show.
At an early age I fell in love with my Lord,
And He is called The Rock in God's Word.
As a teenager I fell in love with my wife,
Or rather, the girl who would be for life.
This teenaged girl was named Lavonne Stone,
So my greatest loves are a Rock and a Stone.
Some will say the Rock is all you really need,
But with this opinion I am not fully agreed,
For my Rock is the only way to eternal life,
But I need my Stone in time as my wife.
I need them both now in time and forever,
For they play key roles in my daily endeavor.
My Rock and my Stone meet my need for love,
And they both motivate me with a gentle shove.
They bring out the very best in me,
And help me the bigger picture to see.
I am better for time and in eternity will surely be,
Because of what my Rock and Stone mean to me.
The Lord and Lavonne, what a beautiful pair,
I am proud my love for them to share.
With these two in my life I can say without hesitation,
I have in this shaky world a truly solid foundation.
I can shout and sing it in the most glorious tone,
Thank God I fell in love with a Rock and a Stone.
I LIKE THAT I LIKE LOVIG YOU
By Glenn Pease
This poem was written to my wife of 54 years.

I like that I like loving you.
I like a lot of thing, it is true.
I like both the old and the new,
But most of all I delight
Every day and every night,
I just like that I like loving you.
I like when your happy, not blue.
I like that you're faithful and true.
I like all the sweet things you do,
But my greatest boast,
And what I like most:
I just like that I like loving you.
I like when you wear something new.
I like that your faults are so few.
I like that your faith you pursue,
But if you recall, what I like best of all:
I just like that I like loving you.
I like reading e8mail on yahoo.
I like that you seldom argue.
I like how you so quietly chew,
But I just can't help repeat,
Though all of these are neat:
I just like that I like loving you.
I Like that I like loving you.
I like that you pay bills when their due,
I like fast food, and buffets I like too.
I like sharing a mystery when we don't have a clue,
But I just can't deny, you're the apple of my eye,
And I just like that I like loving you.
I like that we had those years to woo
I like that marriage makes one from two.
I like it when our vows we renew,
But I just can't beat it, and so I repeat it,

I just like that I like loving you.
I like that I like loving you.
I've liked it since the day I said “I do.”
And I'll say it when this life is all through;
Even in heaven, I'll repeat it twenty four seven,
I just like that I like loving you.
POSITIVE
1. Harold Bloomfield8Lifemates wrote, "Here is a love Fitness exercies, "Rephrasing with Love,"
to shift from blaming and complaining to acknowledgment and intimacy. You can rephrase a
complaint into a caring statement that calls for a responsible and mutual solution. The key is to
describe the problem in terms of your own behavior. This is the exact opposite of blaming,
bacause you identify what you can and will do to make the relationship work better. The
following emotional workout between Shane and Keith will allow more insight into the mechanics
of this process.
The items on the left8hand side are a list of their blaming and complaining statements. On
the right are the same sentiments rephrased with love:
BLAMIG AD COMPLAIIG REPHRASIG WITH LOVE
1. You never give me credit for When I need acknowledg8
how hard I work to provide ment for being a good pro8
a lifestyle you enjoy. vider I will say, "Sweetheart,
I've had a rough day and when
you get time I need some
hugs and understanding."
2. You never do anything with The kids really enjoyed going
the kids; you're tired and with you to dinner and to a
don't have any time for me. movie a few weeks ago, I'd
appreicate your spending
time with them this weekend.
3. You yell and bitch when I I've been unresponsive to
come home at night; I wish your needs, causing you to
you'd be more fun. be upset with me. I'd like
for us to have more fun. I've
gotten a babysitter and have
arranged a surprise evening.
4. Why don't you ever create a I really love it when you cre8
romantic, erotic, and adven8 ate excitement in our love
turous evening for me? I'm life, like the time you.......
always the one to plan them. (specific example). Let's do
it again.
5. How could you be so stu8 I need to be more assertive
pid? It's you fault! If you'd and give you my imputs on
listen to me, these problems major decisions. I have a ten8
would never happen. dency to hold back my opin8
ions and then say, "I told
you so."
6. You're always breathing down I have a right to make my
my neck and finding fault; own decisions. I value your
quit telling me how to run input, bu teven if you think
my life. I'm making a mistake, please

respect my choice.
7. You let yourself get over8 I get turned no when you
weight and out of shape and feel good about yourself and
don't care about looking good make an effort to stay in
for me. shape. Why don't we start
jogging or going to the gym
together?
Try this exercise yourself. Make an uncensored list of the five biggest complaint and rephrase
it to reflet your responsibility for the problem, and how you can talk abou these issues with
greater intimacy. Rephrasing allows you to avoid the frustration of waiting for your lover to
change. As a result of practicing these Love Fitness skills, Shane and Keith were able to restore
intimacy and suppor to their relationship without "giving in" or "giving up." Remember,
Rephrasing with Love is not primarily for your lover, but for you, your personal satisfaction,
effectiveness, and power.
POLYGAMY
1. The Anabaptist at Muenster, Germany revived polygamy on the basis of the Old Tesatment,
arguing that anything God once permitted cannot be inherantly evil.
PRAISE
1. Arlene Matthews in Why Did I Marry You, Anyway wrote, "ow and then, your positive
comments to your spouse have to be, well, embellished. One of the things married people want
most from their partners is praise, and a little exaggeration or "white lying" in the service of
praise won't hurt. In fact, flattering white lies are as important to the smooth functioning of a
marriage as they are to the smooth functioning of society as a whole. Just as people who expect
to live in harmony with their next8door neighbors say things like, "What a sharp8looking new care
you have there" and "What a cute little baby you've got." instead of, "That care looks like a
lemon" and "You child looks like a turnip," people who want to live harmoniously with their
spouses often choose to revise theri private opinions before making them public.
2. A wise coach was once asked why he did so little complaining about the team's mistakes and
so much bragging about their good plays. His answer was direct and to the point. I have
discovered that complaining doesn't do much good and that commending does much to create a
better team. So also with life in general. Who are the people who have most influenced your life
for gooo? Are they persons who have given you the most negative criticism or those who have
provided the most positive encouragement?
PREGACY
1. I well remember one kindly old lady who came into the office one day to engage my associate
for a confinement case. The doctor was natually suspicious of the abdominal swelling and called
me in to examine her along with him. We were cinvinced that she had an enormous cyst in her
abdomen, a diagnosis that was proved correct next day on the operating table. But when the
doctor informed her that the supposed baby was a sack of water she burst into tears.
"What's the matter?" he said. "Did you want another baby at your age?"
"Oh, no," she replied, "I'm happy about your conclusions, but I'm crying for poor Harry. I
haven't spoken a kind word to him in three months!"
PRE8MARITAL SEX
1. Roy Stevens in Isn't It Lonely Together.
"Every day it's easier to see that
Your're gonna be a mother,
so here we are honeymoon hotel room
married to each other.
And the smile upon your trembling lips is brave
but it don't cover up those tears you've cried,
And though I'm trying hard all the emptiness I feel is
just too big to hide.

And we've got nothing in common
but our name and our shame
and the blamd for letting
passions foolish flame burn wild,
And now we've got to cover up the fact
with an act to atone for our mistake
And to protect the child.
And we've agred to try and live a lie,
But baby, I think its all in vain,
We're just not birds of a feather,
Isn't it lonely together?"
2.
PRIORITY
1. Joyce Landorf in Tough and Tender wrote, "A young minister who was honestly trying to
practice the principle of loving starting in the kitchen shared his inner heart with me when he
said, "My wife and I get along very well, but we have one serious area fo conflict in our lives. It
seems every time we sit down to eat our evening meal, the phone rings, and it's always for me.
My wife wants me to ignore it and let it ring, but I'm a minister and I feel guilty if I don't answer
it. Almost every night we argue over this, and of course, it spoils our dinner time with our family
and each other. But I'm caught in the middle of a difficult dilemma. I'm torn between my
responsibilituy to my church, on one hand, and my love for my family on the other. Tell me,
should I 88dare I 88let it ring?"
I didn't have to ask him how his love life was surviving (though I now wish I had), but I did
have a fair idea. Based on what I know about women, I'd guess that his wife's heart would not
be sufficiently helaed by bedtime from the wounds she got during the dinner hour. In a typical
woman's logic, I knew she'd reason, "If he really loved me, he would let that blasted phone ring.
But he seems to love his church more. He doesn't think enough of me to talk to me, so I guess
I'm only needed when we go to bed."
Sexual intercourse preceded by this kind of emotional battle is certainly possible and even
probable, but it comes nowhere near to being the delightful, congenial experience God intended.
Going to be with a woman who suggests you love someone (or something) more than her can
be downright uncomfortable. It's going to be pretty icy between those sheets no matter how
high you've turned up the electric blanket.
2. The minister was right in his concern about his phone calls. Many people are just now
begining to evaluate and measure te extent to which a ringing phone will dictate theri life8styles.
"Tell me," I asked him, "when a surgeon is in the middle of performing surgery, do they ever ask
him to leave his patient and answer an outside phone call?"
"o, probably not," he answered.
"Right," I agreed. "ow, tell me why." And I waited for his answer.
Very thoughtfully he said, "Well, I guess it's because his patient and his surgery are too
important to be interrupted."
"Exactly!" I said, andhe go the message loud and clear.
When this man lets his phone ring during the time it takes to eat dinner, he is saying in the
most romantic, loving way possible, "My dear wife and family, you are very important to me.
You are all valuable to me an dfor the next brief moments you are going to have my undistracted
attention. o phone, no TV blaring, and no one coming to the door is going to spoil our times
together."
PROBLEMS
When supreme court justice Felix Frankfurter was asked to officiate at a friends wedding he
had to explain that other judges have this authority, but supreme court justices do not have the
authority to perform a wedding. When his friend asked why this was, he replied, "It is because
marriage is not considered a federal offense."

Marraige is not a crime, but it often a problem. But the problem is easier when people accept
problems as normal. The best marriages have problems, and no matter who you are married to,
you will have some problems. If you had married someone else other than your mate, you might
not have the same problems, but you would have other problems, which might be even more
difficult to handle.
Judy Markey, a writer on marriage, was doing an article on love and marriage Japanese
style. One of the foremost writers in Japan said to her, "We Japanese think all the things you
Americans expect from marriage are quite ridiculous. Here in Japan we look at marriage one
way only8as a partnership in problem8solving." There is a lot of truth to this, for marriage brings
together two people who are basically selfish who want their own way. Problems cannot be
avoided. Working them out so both are satisfied is a major part of the task of marriage.
Someone discribed marriage like playing doubles in tennis. As partners you have to work
together to win. You cannot both run to the net and let the opponent lob the ball over your
heads. You can't both swing for the same ball. It may take time to work out a pattern, but you
have to do it, and get rid of the problem areas, or you will never win. Solving problems like this
can be enjoyable as you see your cooperation leading to more victories. It can be fun to solve
problems and get better at what you are doing.
PROPOSAL
1. Samual Lover wrote:
Oh, Tis time I should talk to your mother,
Sweet Mary, says I;
Oh, don't talk to my mother, says Mary,
Beginning to cry:
For my mother says men are deceivers,
And never, I know, will consent;
She says girls in a hurry to marry,
At leisure do repent.
Then, suppose I should talk to your father,
Sweet Mary, says I;
Oh, don't talk to my father, says Mary,
Beginning to cry;
For my father he love me so dearly,
He'll never consent I should go;8
If you talk to my father, says Mary,
He'll surely say o.
Then how shall I get you, my jewel,
Sweet Mary? says I;
If your father and mother's so cruel,
ost surely I'll die!
Oh, never say die, dear, says Mary;
A way now to save you I see.
Since my parents are both so contrary,
You'll better ask me.
PURPOSE
1. See companionship 1. Protestants have disagreed with the Catholic view that procreation is the
primary purpose of marriage. If that was the primary purpose then polygamy is by far the more
superior system for it leads to many more children. If monogamy is the ideal then it cannot be
the purpose of marriage to produce children as the primary motive. It is the unique
companionship that can be produced. All others are excluded from their intimate lives.

Q
QUESTIOS TO ASK ABOUT YOUR MARRIAGE
COMMUICATIOCan we share meaningfully? Do we understand each other in our
communication? Do we enjoy talking about a variety of things?
Do we listen to each other effectively? How deep is ourconversation? ...reporting facts? ...relating
ideas, judgments?
...sharing feelings? ...risking total honesty? What topics do
we avoid in our communication?
3. RESPECT
Are we able to respect each other in a variety of situations?
Am I proud of this person? ...in what areas? Are there areas
about which I am not very proud? Are there any characteristics
that I consistently don't want to talk about with my friends
and/or family?4LEADERSHIP/DECISIO8MAKIGHow do we make decisions? Are we content
with
the patternswhich have developed? Are we able to submit to one another? Arethere areas where
I wish that the other would lead more, or
3take more responsibility/initiative? Are there times when Ifeel "squeezed out" or ignored? How
do we view roles andresponsibilities in marriage?
5. VIEW OF MARRIAGEHow do we view the relationship of marriage? What do we wantour
marriage to look like? What were my expectations formarriage? What areas are most important
to each of us inmarriage? What do I consider to be important elements/goalshich will help a
marriage to grow? Is divorce ever justified?If so, under what circumstances?
6. DEALIG WITH COFLICTo close relationship can be achieved and maintained in anyother
way than by resolving the conflict which it inevitablyproduces. Are we able to quarrel
productively? What are each ofour patterns when we fight? Are we able to forgive one
another?Do either of us tend to hold grudges? Have I built any pockets
of bitterness in our relationship?
7. ITERESTSWhat interests do we share? How enthusiastic am I about the
4other's interests? Where do our interests diverge? Have wedeveloped any new interests
together?
8. EMOTIOS
Do we share our feelings with each other? How would we describeeach other's temperament?
How would I describe mine? Do webuild each other emotionally? How do I feel emotionally after
atime together? Do I feel at ease when we are to~ether or undera strain?
9. EJOYMET/RECREATIODo we enjoy each other's company without constant physical
expression? Do we have fun together? How much are we able tolaugh together? What helps the
other to relax? What helps me torelax? How are we similar or different in this area?
10. TRUST/COSISTECYI trust the other person to be with other friends? Do Itrust our
relationship in the context of others? Can I trustthe other to tell the truth? Does the other person
demonstrate
the same personal characteristics when we are apart as when weare together?
5
11. HABITSAre we able to accept each other's habits? Are there
significant areas of behavior which bother me about the other?Which of my habits are most
irritating? In which areas have wemost often found ourselves promising to change? Where have
weeen disappointed in each other?
12. LIFE8STYLE/LIFE GOALSHow well do we understand each other's goals and dreams? Which
goals do we share? How fully can I describe what kind of lifethe other person wants to have 385
years from now? How do I seemyself fitting into that picture? What do we each want out ofour
marriage? What values do we each consider to be importantin life8style decisions? How do we
each reflect our prioritiesin the use of time and money?
13. ITELLECTUAL ITERESTSWhere do our mental interests and capabilities overlap? What
doI like to think about? Where do I wish that I knew more aboutother person's intellectual
world? How much do I feel theother knows about this area of my life?
64VOCAIOAL UDERSTADIGHow do I currently feel ab out my vocation/career? How do

ourvocations affect our relationship? What do I wish Iknew/understood better about the other's
vocation/career? Howdo our long8term goals mesh? How do they differ?
15. FAMILY
When we marry, we don't just marry a person, but rather a wholefamily! What have we learned
about each other's family? Whathave I learned about my own recently? How do I fit into
theother's family? How does the other fit into my family? What arthe most striking characteristics
of each of our familybackgrounds? What do we each think is important in family life?
16. FRIEDS
What do we each appreciate in friends? Does the other personlike my friends? Do I like his/her
friends? What role do ourfriends play in our life together? How do our friendshipsaffect our
relationship? How are we able to share ourrelationship and time together with others?
77CHILDREfeel about children? How does the other person feel?What comes to mind when I
think about having children? How havewe differed in our wavs of handling children?
18. HEALTH
How do I cope with illness in myself and in others? How havehealth8related issues in our lives
impacted our marriage? Whatlife patterns related to physical health are important to eachof us?
What are our individual approaches to dealing withhealth, medical treatment, and our bodies in
general?
19. CHAGEHow well do I handle unfulfilled expectations? What is thehardest part about
change for me? How does my approach to
change differ from that of the other person? How would I rankeach of us on an "adventure and
risk" scale?
20. MOEYWhat does money represent in my life? ...security? ...identity?...useful tool? How do
I make decisions about money? How is my
8approach different from that of the other person? Are we
"spenders" or "savers"? Which of us worries more about money?big an issue has money been in
our relationship thus farHow do we each approach financial planning?
21. ROMACE
What areas do I find most attractive in the other? What effecthas our romance had on each of
our personalities? What doesdistance (or long separation) do to our relationship? How do Iwish
that the other person would express love to me? How do Imost often express love? What would
we each describe as "aromantic moment"? How do we nurture our romance?22SEXUALITYbig a
part does my sexuality play in who I am? What have Ilearned about sexuality in our relationship?
How important issex to the other person? How do our attitudes about sex differ?What do I wish
were different about our sexual behavior? Howcomfortable are we in talking about this area?
23. SPIRITUAL GROWTHWhat are the dynamics of my life with Christ right now? In our
9relationship, what common spiritual experiences,understandings, backgrounds and/or
commitments do we share? Howare we different in our spiritual journeys and dynamics? Whatdo
I contribute to the other's life with Christ? What does theother contribute to my walk? How do I
wish we functioned
differently in this area of our life together?
24. SERVIG OTHERSAre there areas of service beyond our relationship about whichI have
strong feelings? What are the other person's primaryareas of service? How do we help each other
to care for others?What common goals do we share beyond our relationship? In whatareas of our
stewardship are each of us strongest and weakest:
time, talents, skills, care, money, etc.?
25. EDURACE/COMMITMETHow long have we known e ach other? Under what
circumstanceshave we grown/deepened in our understanding of one anothewould I describe my
commitment to our relationship? In whatways do I think the other person's commitment is
different from
mine? What is the hardest trial which we have endured together?did I learn about the other
through that time?
R
REGRETS

1. Marjorie Holmes writes, "Please rescue me God from the "if onlys."
If only my husband was home more, helped more, would try to be more understanding....If
only the children would mind, cooperate, pick up after themselves, study harder, do better in
school...If only my neighbors were moe congenial...If only my friends were more considerate....
Then88ah then I'd be a happier person, able to be more efficient, productive, make my life
really count.
Please help me to stop this blaming of outside circumstances, Lord, and start taking myself in
hand.
And this includes bidding good8bye to the "if onlys" that keep beckoning me to look back.
If only I'd gone on to graduate school instead of getting married.....If only I hadn't had my
first baby so soon....If only I had encouraged my husband to go into business for himself.....or
hadn't discouraged him from buying that land (its worth a fortune now)....If only....If only......
Lord, I know there's nothing more futile than these "if onlys". one of life's choices are
guaranteed. The "mistake" of the past may have been a godsend in disguise. And we will never
know, so how can we ever judge?
Only one thing is sure88that what we did or didn't do then, or what other people do or don't
do now, has bery little bearing on me. My happiness today.
So help me to shape up, Lord. To face my problems without the crutch of "if onlys" I've been
leaning on.
REJECTIO
1. Dr. Paul Faulkner in Making Things Right says, "Learn to accept rejection. It's a fact of llife.
Professional writers will tell you they receive 15 to 20 rejection slips for every acceptance notice
of their work. Artist paint pictures they can never sell. That's rejection, but they keep on painting.
Inventore often fail hundreds of times befor they come up with an invention that works and is
accepted, but they keep inventing. It's the folks in thlis life who use rejection as a stepping stone
to higher ground that succeed.
"Live itself is rejecting you! Time is dragging you toward death. It's simply a by8product of
life. And someday life will reject you linto eternlity. If Jesus, the only perfect one, was rejected,
you can expect some of the same. Here's what he said: "If the world hates you, know that it has
hated me before it hated you. Remember the word that I said to you, A servant is not greater
than his master. lf they persecuted me, they will persecute you."
2. Jack R. Taylor writes, "In years of counseling, I have noted that in virtually every case where
a couple has reached a time when coping seems impossible without help, one of the top
contenders of enemy number one is rejection. It can be passed from generation to generation
without deliberate planning, and it can grow in the passing. Rejection is the number8one culprit
in divorces and is at the root of all the world's evils. It was rejection in the heart of Lucifer
(Satan) which compelled him to seek to lift himself above the stars of God. It was his rejection
of divine authority which caused God to reject him and eject him from heaven's hosts. Filled with
bitterness and rejection he roams the earth, seeking to inject the poisonous venom of rejection in
every human vein. Rejection, perhaps more than hate, is the opposite of love.
In virtually every marriage ceremony are contained the words. "Do you take this woman?"
This implies the matter of receving of the mate with no condition attached.
I have yet to counsel a couple whose marriage was in trouble in which rejection ws not
involved. Every marriage is characterized either by rejection or reception. Where the former
reigns, there is divisions, chaos, tension, and bondage. Where the latter rules, there is freedom,
joy, fulfilment, and liberation. It is so in a home, in a business, as well as in the church.
REPETITIO
ot all people enjoy reruns on television even when it is a good program, but most all people
love to repeat positive and enjoyable experiences. One of the keys to a happy marriage is to
discover something both partners love and repeat it over and over. John Lavender said, "A happy
marriage requires that you fall in love many times with the same person." Just as a good meal is

made the same way over and over, so a good experience can be the same thing over and over.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it, fits when you are dealing with a special dish that any change will
spoil. Change is good and necessary, for we need variety, but do not change that which is
already delicious and delightful.
Andre Maurois wrote, "Marriage is an edifice that must be rebuilt every day."
RESETMET
A common cause of unhappiness in marriage is unresolved resentment. One of the mates
resents something in the other, but does not deal with it openly. They hold it in and it begins to
slowly burn and eat away at their insides, until one day it explodes into a raging destructive fire.
Some degree of strife in dealing with what is not acceptable is better than letting a problem go
until resentment builds up. An open discussion can be hard, but not nearly as hard as a life8time
of repressed resentment.
Resolve the resentment issue as soon as possible, and save yourself and your mate from the
inferno that could destroy your marriage.
RESETMET
Dr. Paul Faulkner in Making Things Right has an excellent chapter on resentment he calls Cut
SYour Line When It's Tangled. He begins with an experience all fishermen have had. You cast
your line out and there is a backlash and the line is a mess. You can either cut the line and get
back to fishing or you can spend a lot of valuable time trying to untangle it, and then cut it.
Some people choose to lose their fishing time to save a piece of line rather than just decisively
cut it and get on with why they are fishing in the first place.
Dr. Faulkner then applies this to the issue of resentment and writes, "Do you know the origin
of the word resentment? It comes from the Latin word resento, which essentially means to re8
feel. Someone may hurt you deeply. Temporarily, you may shove that tragic experience into your
subconscious. But then something happens to conjure up that painful memory. And you re8feel
the full agony and hurt of it. You may even externalize those feeling by lashing out in anger and
resentment at someone else.
"Married couples are often specialists in resentment. They probe around in the garbage dump
searching for old, sharp bones of contention from the past they can use as weapons to wound
one another. They delight in deliberately lashing one another with old mistakes and probing onl
sores. It's tragic, isn't it? All that resentment and hurt! And there's not one positive thing to be
gained by it.
What con you do with resentment? You have to cut the line! You must "forget what lies
behind" and "strain toward what lies ahead."
Further on he writes, " But how do you get rid of resentment? Just give it away. Dump it.
Don't wait until you can trade it for a request of forgiveness. It's like pulling the pin on a hand
grenade and releasing the grip. You can't just stand there holding it in your hand. You've got to
toss that thing away before it blows up lin your own face. Holding onto resentment is suicide!"
You say but it is so hard. That is right, but he goes on to give illustrations of people including
himself who have been able to give up deep resentments and forgive the one that hurt them
badly. One of them is the women who was raped and shot in the head and left for dead. She
survived, but was blind and mutilated. She appeared on a television talk show and the
interviewer remarked, "You must have a lot of resentment and hatred toward the man who did
this." She replied, "o, I gave that man one night of my life, and I'm not going to give him a
second more." She cut the line and moved on into the future without dragging that load and
trying to untange a hopelessly tangled line.
RESPECT
It is often true that familiarity breeds contempt. Couples can begin to treat each other in
ways that they would never treat a stranger. They can begin to call each other names like stupid
or idiot, and put each other down for every trivial mistake. This lack of respect will undermine the
relationship. If we talked to others like we do our mate they would probably not be our friends
for very long.
George Sweazey writes in his book, In Holy Marriage: "Marriage is not the result of love, it is
the opportunity to love. People marry so that they may find out what love is. It is not destiny

that makes a person the one true love, it is life. It is the hardships that have been faced
together. It is bending over sick beds and struggling over budgets; it is a thousand good8night
kisses and good morning smiles; it is vacations at the seashore and conversations in the dark; it
is growing reverence for each other which comes out of esteem and love." It is a life of respect
for one another in all kinds of settings and circumstances that produces a happy marriage. It can
all be missed by a lack of respect.
RISK
An old proverb says, "Before embarking on the sea, pray once. Before leaving for war, pray
twice. Before marrying, pray three times."
ROMACE
In general, romance is more important to women than men. Studies show that the absence
of romance is high on the list as a source of depression in women. Men rate it near last place.
Why should this be? Men derive self8esteem from being respect in their place of work. Their
success in the world makes them feel good about themselves. Women, however, feel worthy
when they are loved. The female has a far deeper need for feeling loved, and needs the
reassurance of romance. Her self8esteem depends upon it more than does a mans. He finds it
hard to grasp why it is such a big deal to her.
One man said, "I just don't understand my wife. She has everything she could possibly want.
She has a dish washer and a new dryer, and we live in a nice neighborhood. I don't drink or
beat the kids or kick the dog. I've been faithful since the day we've been married. But she's
miserable and I can't figure out why!" When the counselor heard this he wrote, "His love8starved
wife would have traded the dishwasher, the dryer and the dog for a single expression of genuine
tenderness from her unromantic husband. Appliances do not build self8esteem; being
somebody's sweetheart most certainly does."
In our culture the focus is on success as the source of happiness, but in ancient Israel the
focus was on relationship for happiness. In Deut. 24:5 we read, "If a man has recently married,
he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to
stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married." He was to have one solid year
free of all responsibility but that of making his wife happy. This pattern once established would
be a part of their lives forever. The point is, God's will is that the focus of marriage be, not the
nation, not the community, not the economy, but each other. Get that right and then
incorporate the other aspects of life. We go the other way, and try and get all else right, and
then focus on the relationship.
We can't change our culture to be ancient Israel, but we can modify our behavior to strive
toward the goals God has revealed as ideal. The internal focus is to be first, and that means
romance is to be given high priority. In our culture, one of the reasons for the high divorce rate,
is that men get so absorbed in striving for success that their relationship is put on the back
burner. Women surrender to the culture too, and let their men consume their lives in conformity
to its values. Yet she is unhappy with it and complains a lot. This makes his work and the office
environment more inviting than home. Solomon knew of this situation too, for it was a part of
the ancient world. He wrote in Prov. 21:9, "Better to live on the corner of the roof than share a
house with a quarrelsome wife."
Both mates contribute to the loss of romance. But the husband, as leader of the house,
bears the responibility to restore the romantic relationship. He is to begin to treat his wife with
the attention she needs to get motivated to please him. He is to love his wife as Christ loved the
church and gave Himself for her. He was the initiator, not the church. We love Him because He
first loved us. Husbands leading the way is the biggest need in our culture.
J.A. Fritz goes so far as to say, "You can search the Bible from Genesis to Revelation and you
will find no statement where God has commanded or demanded that a woman love her husband
with an agape love. It's always turned around8"Husbands, love your wives." A woman is like a

pump that must be primed. If the water of love is put into her she will automatically respond
with love, she does not have to be commanded to do so. This is innate in the feminine structure.
Therefore, since marriage in its esssence is an emotional
relationship between a male and a female, and this emotion is love,
therefore, the responsibility for the success or failure of a marriage
weighs far heavier upon the man than it does upon the woman.
This is the design of creation, it cannot be changed."
"Ours was an acrobat romance8we flipped over each other and have bent over backwards to
please each other."
ROMACE
1. Joyce Landorf in Tough and Tender wrote, "We are incurabl eromanticists and our taste for
romance never dies, tires, or gets old. Most women do not, I repeat, do not long to be
romanced in the style befitting an Italian princess or English queen. We do not pine away the
hours in endless fantasies about dinner for two on the Rivera surrounded by flowers and strolling
violinists. We are much more realistic than that.
But we need romance in our lives, and we'd settle for a lot less than dinner ont he Rivera.
Little things,like a slight (but definite) sexy wink from you across a crowded room, can do
wonders fur us!
2. Tracy Cabot wrote, "One way to bring romance back into your life is by doing something
romantic for your man. One wife complained to me, "He never brings me flowers." The husband
said, "Oh yes, I do. I bring you lots of flowers."
"But he always pics them in the park or steals them over someone's fence. I don't want
'ripped8off roses.' I want him to buy me flowers, like a bouquet from the florist, or even from
the grocery store."
Guess what? She had never bought him flowers. As a matter of fact, she had never made
any romantic gestures toward him. She'd always thought that was the man's part that he had to
be imtinate first, then she'd react.
She suddenly realized that it was within her power to bring romance to her marriage. After
she learned to mirror her husband whenever they were together, she realized that mirroring
works both ways. By setting an example of acting romantic herself and bringing him flowers, her
husband began to mirror her new romantic attitude, and their marriage was revitalized.
3. Tracy Cabot wrote, "Anchoring is one of the most potent tools for keeping a man in love. It's
appeal is subtle, unconscious and irresistible. Here's how it works.
Whenever you and the man you love are having an especially wonderful time together,
preserve the feeling of that moment with a special touch. Say special words in a special way.
Perhaps just his name said in a particularly loving tone of voice, or maybe a pet name or
something sill, or "You turn me on," or "Hi, handsome." Each time he seems really happy, use
the same touch and the same words in the same way to establish your good times anchor.
After you have done this several times, your good times anchor will be firmly in place. Each
time you use it, you just reinforce it.
For example, the two of you are at the beach. The breeze is cool, the sand is warm and the
sun is shining. You are rubbing suntan oil on his back andhe is obviously enjoying the perfect
moment. You brush the hair off the side of this face and say, "Oh, John , you have the cutest
nape." Or, "Hey, handsome, got a date tonight?" Or, "Wanna wrestle?"
It really doesn't matter what the words are, just that you always touch the same place and
always say the same words in the same tone of voice. It doesn't matter what spot you pick
either, except that it's better to pick a spot you can always reach, even it he's dressed and in a
public place. His hand, the back of his neck, or his face or arm are good.
4.
ROMATIC LOVE
1. Romantic love is a challenge. Most people experience romance for a time, and more often
than not, lost it again. Perhaps that's in the nature of romance itself. It cannot be held still or
guaranteed, it cannot be pinned down. Writing about love is difficult. Love is a right8brain
perception, and words are a left8brain logical way to communicate. That's why music and dance
express it better. but words can at least hint at what is there, and lead you to the edge of

making your own connections. This is what we will try to do. There are five primary guidelines
for capturing romance, the particular kind of love that is appropriate between lifelong partners.
They are as follows:
1. Romance is definitely about sex.
2. Romance means treating your lover as a stranger.
3. Romance means giving up control, but not submission.
4. Romance means noticing the beauty.
5. Romance means being constantly connected.
2. Ridenour wrote, "This is not overstating the case. As a physician, I have seen that the
emotions of romantic love give people a new outlook on life and a sense of well8being. Romantic
love is good medicine for fears and anxieties and a low self8image. Psychologists point out that
real romantic love has an organizing and constructive effect on our personalities. It brings out
the best in us, giving us the will to improve ourselves and to reach for a greater maturity and
responsibility. This love enables us to begin to function at our highest level.
3. Ridenour wrote, "Romantic love is a pleasureable learned response to the way your partner
looks and feels, to the things your partner says an does, and to the emotional experiences you
share. As you consistently think on these favorable things, your response to them becomes ever
more strongly imprinted in your mind. You are learning the emetion of love through your
thought processes, and it becomes easier to thrill to the sigh, sound, and touch of your partner.
4.Ridenour wrote, " Select a moment of romantic feeling with your partner from the past,
present, or hoped8for future. As you begin to think about that feeling, your imagination goes to
work with visual pictures. You imagination feeds your thoughts, strengthening them
immeasureabluy; then your thoughts intensify your feelings. This is how it works. Imagination is
a gift from the Creator to be used for good, to help accomplish his will in hundred different ways.
So build romantic love on your side of the marriage by thinking about your partner, concentrating
on positive experiences and pleasures out of the past and then daydreaming, anticipating future
pleasure with your mate. The frequency and intensity of these positive, warm, erotic, tender
thoughts about your partner, strengtheded by the imagination factor, will govern your success in
falling in love.
ROMACE
1. Romance like a camp fire starts with kindling88a lot of little pleasant
circumstance that caught fire quickly but can't keep the fire going with these
twigs. They must catch larger logs on fire to get the deep glow that burns long
and produces heat. It is fun to throw on the little stuff once in a while to see
the fire blaze up and give light. Both are needed, the little and the large.
2. Gelett Burgess in The Romance of The Commonplace says, "Romance requires only a new
point of view, it is the art of getting fresh glimpses of the commonplace."
3. It is the only sport in which the animal that gets caught has to by the license.
4. "The weaker sex is the stronger sex because of the weakness of the stronger sex for the
weaker sex."
5. One of the reasons we lose romance is because of a false idea that romance is passive88 that
it is something that happens to you. You fall in love because your eyes meet across a crowded
room and the bells begin to ring. It is all beyond our control and we are swept away by forces
we do not control. This is, of course, how our first romantic experiences often are. But if we
think that is the whole of romance we will miss the best part which is the active part, which is the
part of romance that is love by choice and acts of the will. Love can be generated, and each of
us has the power to create love. You can learn to rekindle love that has faded by doing and
saying and practicing those things that kindled love in the first place. The recipe for romance is
to go back and rerun the courtship. The point of romance is not just a flame but hot coals. Sex
is like the starting of the coals and the grill. The flame flares up and you have fire. But this fire
is not what you cook with.
You wait until the flame is gone and the coals are hot. The slow steady heat of the hot coals are
the goal and not the flame. Sex alone is the flame. Love is the steady burning hot coals.
6. The risk of romance. Jane Goodsell wrote in answer to the question, how can you be sure of
marrying the right man? You can't. "Marrying a man is like having your hair cut short. You
won't know whether or not it suits you until its too late to chance you mind."
7. orman Wright in Romancing Your Marriage writes, " Let's attempt to define romance again.

Romance has been called an invisible energy that may or may not be mutual in a relationship
between a man and a woman. The attraction of romance is a sense of excitement that one
person experieices at the thought of, or in the presence of, another. It is a pwoerful desire to be
with that person in an intimate way. And when romance strikes, it strikes without reason.
Physical affection and sex may be included in the romantic relationship or they may not be
present at all, since they are just two facets of romance.
Feelings of romance also create a desire to be special and valuable to, and well thought of by,
the romatic object. There is a desire for belonging, comapanionship and intimacy. When the
romantic attraction is high, you desire to e with that indivdual as much as possible. And you
want the other person to have the same feelings about you.
You want that special person to want you. Like is less pleasant when you are apart.
In a mutual attraction, there is a shared sense of delight and excitement in both partners.
There is a feeling that something very special and even unusual is occuring between you. All of
life is viewed through the filter of your romantic feelings and experiences.
8. orman Wright wrote in Romancing Your Marriage says, "James Olthius gives us the following
healthy perspective on romance:
One essential ingredient of a good marriage
is romance88not adolescent infatuation, but the
steady delight and genuine sparkle of two peo8
ple who enjoy and nurture each other.
Romance is not all of married love, but it is
its indispensable emotional component. Without
romance, not as a constant state of arousal, but
as a general feeling of comfort, pleasure, and
delight, a marriage is destined to be a listless,
dry, and deary relationship, no matter how
strong the commitment. Without the emotional
connection we call romance, a marraige lacks
the zest and excitement that leads to satisfac8
tion. Married couples, if all is well, experience
this connection in a host of unsung and unevent8
ful ways, as well as in the moments of intense
passion, waves of tenderness, or candles and
soft music. A marriage without such connection
is a divorce waiting to happen.
The challenge of marriage is discovering romance, anticipating its maturing change through
the years and keeping it alive!
9. An idea came to mind as I studied love. There are three levels which are liking, love and
lust. You can lust for one you do not like or love. You can love one you do not like or lust for.
You can like one you do not lust for or love. When you have all three you have the recipe for
romance. Someone you like, love, and have passion for is the ideal. If anyone of the three are
missing you may still have a valued relationship but romance is not there.
10.The 7 letters of Romance.
Religious foundation
Oneness
William Jennings Bryant inscribed his wife's ring won 1884 one 1888. The opposite sex is not
to be the opposition sex.
Maturity
Manners
Mutual respect
Assurance
ewness
Communication

Compatibility
Consistency
Entertainment
Excitement
Expectancy
Encouragement
Exteem
11. Steve and Annie Champman in Married Lovers, Married Friends wrote, "Unfortunately
reomance seems to be a premarital condition that is cured instantly by a trip to the altar. A
woman in one of our marriage seminars once gave this definition of romance: "It's the attraction
during courtship that vanishes with the words 'I do.' Most couples take "I do" to mean "Maybe I
did when I was still trying to woo you, but I sure don't intend to anymore!"
Those o fus who believe in Christ often don't do much better, sad to say. As I've heard a
popular Chrsitian speaker say:
To dwell above with saints we love
ow, won't that be glory?
But to live below with those we know...
Well, that's another story!
What happened? Why did the romance fade?
We believe it's because we've been injected with a massive overdose of soap opera syrup,
and it's brain8washed us into believing romance comes from a Fourth of July fireworkds of
feelings, blasted into the sky by a mega8charge of hormones and heavy breathing. We sigh over
those fuzzy pictures Hallmark produces of boy and girl romping through a meadow awash with
daisies, and conclude we know the elements necessary to generate romance.
The marrieds we meet often voice these "the moon shone in June while you crooned our
favorite toon" explanations of where romance comes from. One man we met in a marriage
seminar wrote, "Romance is walking hand in hand on a moonlit beach with the wind blowing
lightly in our faces888and our walk leading us back to our cottage where there awaits a fire, roses
and satin sheets whispering our names."
But are these really the essential ingredients to stir up romance? If they are, what happens
the next morning when our twosome begins to fuss over the wrinkles in the satin sheets as they
make the bed, then haggle back and forth about who's going to take out the ashes from the
fireplace or give more water to the drooping roses?"
S
SACRIFICE
SEE CRISIS
SEEIG
1. Wordsworth evokes both the freshness with which that self experiences the world, and the
inevitable loss of "the visionary gleam."
There was a time when meadow, grove, and stream,
The Earth, and every common sight,
To me did seem
Appareled in celestial light
The glory and the freshness of a dream
Turn whereso'er I may,
By night or day,
The things which I have seen I now can see no more.
SESE OF HUMOR

1. To a woman, life is real and life is earnest becasue, as I have stated before, she is born
grown8up andnever will be able to appreciate the lackadaisical manner in which her mate travels
through this vale of tears. He, unfortunately,never grows up, and though he may acquire the
appearance of reson and decision, just underneath the skin remains the little boy whose wild
imagination and lust for the fun in life may take over at any moment. This is the principal gulf
between the sexes; man's idiotic sense of humor pitted against a seriousness and purpose in his
mate. These forces balance eachother in the long run, but there are many wild dips of the
needle on the scales before the partners both get too old to care a damn.
2.
SELF8ACCEPTACE
1. A salesmanger said to a salesman, "It is not what the customer comes in for that counts, it
what he goes out with." People come into marriage with a lot of expectations and maybe you
can't meet them. But you have other values and qualities that are good. You need to sell
yourself to your mate, and you can do this if you are sold on the product. One of the keys to
acceptance is to reject unrealistic expectations. Females are often shocked at the sexual energy
of their husbands because they have a false and unrealistic understanding of sex. Christian girls
especially think that Christian boys will not be extremely sexy. John W. Drakeford says there are
many unrealistic expectations that people have coming into marriage. He gives some examples:
+"I always thought wives got up early to prepare breakfast for their husbands."
+"I always thought my husband would never look at another woman."
+"I always thought our marriage would be like a perpetual honeymoon."
A little ditty goes, "All things I thought I knew but now confess88the more I know I know, I know
I know the less." We must always remain open to new information about our mate.
Self8aceeptance becomes the basis for acceptance of others. If you reject your own worth
you will reject those who treaten what little you have. First accept your own limitations. You are
not all you could be. If someone says you are not 6ft. 5in. you are not offended for you can
accept the fact you are not that tall. But there are hundreds of other things you are not and
you need to be equally accepting of their reality.
Surrender to reality, and the surest way to drown if you are in trouble is to thrash about
desperately trying not to drown. You maxamize your chances of survival by not fighting but by
relaxing and surrending to the water, letting you float it on the top. You surrender to let a weak
form of a disease be injected into you, and by this vacination you defeat the disease. Wining is
not always gained by fighting, but often by surrender.
You surrender to the reality that it is okay to be you with all your defects. This surrender will
protect you from the hero8zero split. If I am not the best, the greatest, the number one, then I
am nothing8a total failure. Self love means the ability to accept yourself as imperfect yet
valuable.
2. We do have help from psychologist Albert Ellis and his colleague "rational8emotive therapists"
who teach us so clearly and simply that if someone else calls us inadequate, our hurt and anger
are based on our own confirming thought; within ourselves, we are saying, "Yes, I am
inadequate." One must learn how to say inside, "I don't need to think of myself as inadequate or
unlovable just because the other regards me so." This seemningly simple tour de force is
enormously important!
SELF IMAGE
1. " The healthy, happy human being wears many masks."
2. We change how we see ourselves depending on the people we are relation to and our
motives. This is not inconsistent of deceptive of two faced, but is reality of being multifaceted
creatures. Walt Whitman wrote, "Do I contradict myself? Very well then, I contradict myself. I am
large. I contain multitudes.
So if I am with intellectuals I will talk and think like one as best I can. If I am with funny
people I will be a comedian. I will be many people for many occasions. If I do not change to fit
the situation I will be locke into a very limited self8image that will stifle my relationships. Marriage
can become boring because people limit their self8image and lock themself into a static place with
no change to be different and express themselves in new and exciting ways.
SELF KOWLEDGE
1. David Maitland wrote, "Maturation remains incomplete to the extent that

there are aspects of my life with which I and others are unfamiliar. While some
concealment is probably inevitable, one's protential for good is truncated by
unfamiliarity with one's self. Self8knowledge and accurate self8representation,
however difficult and incomplete, are always preferable to ignorance and
deception."
2. In middle age we become more aware of the distance between the ideal and
the real. We see the inner self better and this makes us more mellow and less
dogmatic.
3. Hugh Prather, "Some people are going to like me and some people aren't,
so I might as well be me. Then at least I will know that the people who like me,
like me."
4.
SELF8LOVE
1. Laura Huxley in You Are ot The Target writes, "At one time or another the more fortunate
among us make three startling discoveries. Discovery number one: Each one of us has, in
varying degree, the power to make others to feel better or worse. Discovery number two:
Making others feel better is much more fun than making them feel worse.
Discovery number three: Making others feel better generally makes us feel better."
This means there really is not conflict between self8love and other love, for loving others is a
form of self8love in that we love ourselves better and feel better about ourselves when we love
others and make them feel better about themselves. Yet, the world is filled with love starved
people, and she writes, "Disguised in a thousand forms, hidden under an infinite variety of
masks, love starvation is even more rampant than food starvation. It invades all classes of
peoples. It occurs in all climates, on every social and economic level. It seems to occur in all
forms of life. Love starvation wears the stony face of the disciplinarian or speaks in the
hysterical voice of the zealot. It puts on the unctuous manner of the jypocrite or the
ruthlessness of the ambitious power8seeker.
Love starvation may cmouflage itself in physical and mental ills, in delingquency, sometimes
in death. In a family, love starvation begets love starvation in one generation after another until
a rebel in that family breaks the malevolent chain. If you find yourself in such a family, BE
THAT REBEL!
SERVICE
SEE CRISIS
SEX
1. Pre8marital dangers
The Accountability Factor (p1 of 11The Accountability FactorHow to promote healthy
relationshipsby Valerie Gladu
J eanne and Mike were both leaders in their fellowship. Jeanne hadserved as both a small
group leader and a chapter leader for the lasttwo years, while Mike had been a part of the
worship team for the pastthree years. Everyone seemed to admire them and more than a few
wereenvious of their seemingly "perfect" relationship. Students oftencompared their own hopes
for a relationship with what they saw betweenMike and Jeanne.
But while their friends looked on admiringly, Jeanne and Mike weresecretly struggling. They
frequently wrestled with the physicalaspects of their relationship, and they kept slipping beyond
theiagreed boundaries. Eventually, Mike and Jeanne found themselves deeplyembroiled in sexual
sin. Soon they were frustrated, defeated and veryalone. They feared that any public admission of
their failures woulddevastate their friends.
Eventually the reality of their problems became evident to all8Jeannebecame pregnant. The
fellowship was aghast. "How could something likethis happen to Jeanne and Mike?" "How could
this happen in ourfellowship?" "Where do we go from here?"
Stories like that of Mike and Jeanne are not uncommon. The impact ofsexual sin is far
reaching, extending from a marred personalrelationship with the Lord to a tear in the very fabric
of afellowship. People fall into premarital intercourse and other sexualsins in many ways, and
there is no single solution. But there areseveral things that can help us to avoid the pain of
sexual sin.
God's StandardsToo often in the arena of sex we ignore any discussion of God'sperspective on

our sexuality. An awesome and fearsome hush seems tourround any talk concerning God's
expectations of us. Whatever thereasons for shelving the discussion, people remain ill8equipped
tohandle the struggles and temptations in which they find themselves.God designed us as sexual
beings and our sexuality is not something wecan or should merely turn off until marriage. But
how do we understandthe implications of our sexuality and the parameters God has given forits
expression outside of marriage?
SEX
1a. The tomato, once universally considered an aphrodisiae was intorduced into
Europe from Mexico by the Sponiards in the 16th century. English lovers called
the tomato a "love apple," the French welcomed it as a "pomme d' amour," and
the Germans as a Liefbesaphfil.' When the Puritans under Cromwell came to power
in England in the middle of the 17th century, "love apples" were frowned upon as
conducive to immorality, and further to discouage their use, Purtians spread the
rumor that they were poisonous. This created a fear of tomato's which persisted
well into the 19th century. In 1820, when Robert Gibbon Johnson of Salem, ew Jersey,
announced that he would eat a dozen tomatos on the court88house steps,
he drew a large crowd, and was attended by 2 physicians. To the surprise of every8
one, the services of the physicans were not required. evertheless, traditions
with a moral basis arehard to eradicate, and at the end of the 19th century a rumor
circulated in England that the eating of tomato's caused cancer. An English, physican
published an article on 1896 in whihc he earnestly contradicted this belief. On the
contrary, he wrote, the tomato "sweetens the blood, and I even recommend it in the
case of sleeplessness." Obviously, then the doctor did not think of the tomato as
an aphrodisiac either.
1b. Sex is the way all human beings come into existence, but we do not think of it, it is also the
way eternal souls come into history and have the possibility of eternal life, and so in reality sex is
the key to eternal life for without it none can ever get to heaven. Sex and heaven are linked.
2. "In the trobriand Islands of Melanesia, singles are renowed for their success
with women. The thant is a long passage like the vagina, say teh natives, and the 2
attract each other. A man who has a beautiful voice will like women very much and
they will like him. For sober scientific exposition we have Charles Darwin: Music
arouses in us various emotions, but not the more terrible ones of horror, fear, rage,
etc. It awakens the gentler feelings of tenderness and love, which readily pass into
devotion.
Leo Tolstoi, Russian novelist and pontificating moralist, thoroughly agreed with
Darwin and thought Bethoven's "Kreutzer" Sonata for violin particularly dangerous.
In a short novel Tolsori described the birth of an illicit love between a violinist and the susceptible
wife whoplayed his piano accompaniment. Once these two had played
the Sonata often enough, they became quit lost to all pracitical and moral considerations. For
anyone not in a highly impressionable mood it is difficult to share
Tolstoi's feelings about this music, which is pleasant but for from luck. I have often
listened to the "Kreutzer" Sonata without feeling any greater inclination to sin than
usual.
3. "Music as love magic entered into the legends of ancient India Krishna, eighth
incarantion of the god Vishnu, was a striking figure during his earthly life. Though
he was extremely handsome and an expert dancer, his popularity with women was
chiefly awing to his ablility as a flute player. When he sat playing the flute by moon8
light in a mango grove near the river, women young and old, single and married
abandoned father, husband, and children to sing and dance with Krishna. ow that
Krishna has returned to his heavenly home, he must still keep in practive, for hs is
credited with sixteen thousand and right heavenly wives. People of the Aberg Tribe in the \caro
hills of Assam trace their ancestry to a music88loving young widow named
Kabu Ranche who went inot deep mourning when her husband died and refused many
proposals of marriage. The music of ordinary flutes had no effect on her, but the suitors
discovered that if the bamboo flute were first dipped into a certain magic potion, Kabu Ranche
was so moved by the music that she could refuse nothing. Unscruprelous
suitors took prompt advantage of this weakness without any further mention of

marriage, and all had thier will of her at one time or another. The resulting offspring
were numerous enough to found the Abent tribe.
4. Gen. 1:31 God could look at those perfect specimens of male and female in all their nakedness
and say that is good. Healthy sexuality says amen. Sex and nudity are not evil but good in
themselves. It is the use they are put to that becomes evil. It is one of God's best ideas, the idea
of sex. He could have made man like a plant where he would cut off one finger and plant it in
the ground and a new person would grow from it. He could have put pollen in his hair that would
blow off in the wind and land on a women's hair and get her pregnant. He could have made man
like the fish where the women would lay eggs and they would then fertilize them without sex or
ever touching the woman. If God did not like sex he had some other ideas for reproduction
already in place he could have used, but he chose sex for man. He liked the idea and so does
man8Gen. 2:21825. It is Satan who introduced shame into the world of sex. He is a sexless being
who cannot reproduce himself and the Jews felt that he was jealous of this gift God gave to man.
In I Tim.4:283 the idea of forbidding to marry is called a doctrine of demons. God did not change
after the fall and call sex bad, but it is still good in his plan Heb. 13:4
5. President Jimmy Carter admitted he had fooled around in the playground of his
mind and had lust for other women. It was only a shock to those who know not the mind of
man. If there is any man who does not have lust he will not come forward for nobody wants to
admit they are freaks. It is normal to have lust for it is simply an awareness of beauty and
pontential pleasure. It is a sense like smelling a steak cooking or popcorn and having your saliva
begin to flow.
6. In China marriage is like putting a kettle of cold water on the fire. Soon it is boiling and stays
hot. But in the West they feel we make marriage like putting a boiling kettle of water on a cold
stove and soon it cools off.
7. All the evidence makes it clear that what people need is not more sex partners but better sex
partners. Any two people can be to each other all they need for sexual satisfaction. It is lack of
quality sex in marriage that leads to sex outside of marriage.
8. Balzac said, "It is as absurd to say that a man can't love one woman all the time as it is to say
that a violinist needs several violins to play the same piece of music."
9. Sex and religion have been linked for all time. History began with two naked people in a
perfect romance and perfect environment. Sex has been an idol for it has many of the features of
a religion. It has abandon, surrender, ecstasy, and union, all that people seek for in prayer and
worship. It is communication with another on the deepest level. Like all of great value it is both
dangerous and delightful, and the goal is to avoid the danger and achieve the delightful. It is a
power and power can always be abused and do harm rather than help. Sex can be debased or
deified and both are dangerous extremes. It is to be devoted to legitimate love to be in the will
of God.
10. A good homework assignement is to spend ten minutes each carressing each other from
head to foot without engaging in intercourse. This can help couples learn that there is a lot more
to sexual pleasure than orgasm. This can lead to pleasure that does not need full commitment to
sexual intercourse. It can be enjoyable time for each when you are tired and not up to
intercourse.
11. Positive purposes of sex. Reproduction, Pleasure, Unity.
12. Madeleine L'Engle in The Weather Of The Heart88
In the moonless, lampless dark now of this bed
My body knows each line and curve of yours;
My fingers know the shape of limb and head;
As pure as mathematics ecstasy endures.
Blinded by night and love we share our passion,
Certain of burning flesh, of living bone:
So feels the sculptor in the moment of creation
Moving his hands across the uncut stone.
13. Married couples are parents who have to convey attitudes toward sex to their children and
often they blow it. Children often play with their body and find pleasure and if the parents scold
them when it comes to the sex organs but no other part of the body and its pleasures they get
the idea that sexual pleasure is bad and forbidden. This can hurt their marriage in the future.
Lucy was so scolded and punished for toughing herself that she grew up feeling she may have
commited the unforgivable sin and this led to years of depression.

14. An old proverb says, "When money goes out through the door, love fllies out of the window."
Money plays a role in sex for if people are too poor for entertainment they get bored and never
can go anywhere and they lose the fire. If they are rich they can go places and meet others and
have affairs. Wealthy people have more opportunity for unfaithfulness. So being average is better
than poor or rich.
15. "Our love is based on friendship, but sex is sex," says Kari Clark, wife of television producer
and host Dick Clark. "Good, solid sex. Our sex life is separate from our love life, and that's how
we like it. We're both very sexual, and that's always been extremely important. We're very
affectionate. We touch each other a lot and hold hands, but as far as sex goes, it doesn't involve
deep feelings; it's more like a porne movie. Sex was the basis for our attraction, and ten years
later, it's still very intense. but as far as I'm concerned, that's not the same as love. It's not the
kind of romantic love that often goes with sex. Affection romance, work, sex88they all have
separate feelings. To me, that's much more satisfying. Our work is all work, our love is all love,
and our sex is all sex."
Kari Clark's attitude bears out the observation of psycholtherapist James F. Walters: "In a
love relationship, sex can deepen what already there, but it can't create what isn't there."
Walters goes on to say, "You can have an active sex life without intimacy, and you can have
intimacy without sex."
16. Art Carney in In Defense of Marriage wrote,"The ultimate erotic challenge," controls George
Leonard in The End Of Sex, "lies not in racing from bed to bed, shirttails aflame, but in the quest
of what I call High Monogamy: a long term relationship in which both partners are voluntarily
committed to erotic exclusivity, not because of moral or religious scruples, not because of timidity
or inertia, but because it is what they want. Because they seek excitement and adventure
through the love of another person."
But can you find excitement and adventure through the love of the same person after five,
ten, or twenty8five years of marriage? Can you stay interested in that person after passion and
romance fade, as they inevitably do?
The answer is yes, some people can88people who believe that human beings are wondrously
infinite in their complexity and mystery, and that despite our surface consistency, we are always
changing, continually remaking our characters and souls. If you subcribe to these beleifs, then it
is possible to have an endlessly exciting adventure with the same person, the adventure of
intimacy.
17. One of the sexual issues newlyweds must contend with is the issue of fantasy. Question:
Should spouses fear their marriage is in trouble if either or both of them harbor secret sexual
longings for the likes of christie Brinkley, Don Johnson, Woody Allen, Cher, Mr. Universe, or the
Playmate of the Month? Answer: o! o! o!
o matter how committed one is to monogamy of the body, monogamy of the mind is not
only difficult to achieve, it's probably impossible. And even if it were possible, it wouldn't be
desirable.
As any sex therapist will tell you, fantasy is not only a routine part of human sexual
experience (indeed the mightiest among us have confessed to lust in their hears), it can often be
an invaluable aid to sexual pleasure. In fact, the secret stirrings we may feel toward an exciting,
attractive person to whom we are not wed may well enhance our sexual appetite for the person
to whom we are. Which may in turn result in more fantasizing. As one recently married man
attested, "The more sexually happy I am, the more likely I am to engage in casual fantasies."
18. Sex is used to get our attention and to sell us everything under the sun. Start with a girl in
a bikini and we will watch a commerical on vacationing in the triangle zone. Women have a
tremendous advantage in getting attention. But women object to being objects of attention just
for the sake of sex. There is probably not a woman alive who has not thought that her husband
only loves her for sex. Women want to have their husbands attention, but not just for sex. So a
woman is caught in a bind. If she uses her sexual attractiveness to get attention she
strengthens the one track mind of her man, but if she does not use her sexulity she may loose
his attention all together, making other women look all the more attractive. God made the
female to be very attractive to the male and to be an attention getter, just as colorful flowers get
the attention of butterflys. Wives need to see sex not as a problem but as a power, a God given
power which they could use to help a man become complete by developing his potential for
romance.
19. I Cor. 7 . Paul does not say a word about pro8creation. Sex is not even considered here for

the sake of children. It is seen purely as pleasure and release. It is sex for the sake of balance,
stability and morality. The key to morality for the Christian is a good sex life. If sex is good and
regular in marriage Satan will have no foundation on which to build temptation.
20. They are saying at least five things. In the course of coitus a couple are experiencing
pleasure and they want to thank each other for that joy. They do this with or without words.
Thus, sexual intercourse is an act of thanksgiving. Secondly, when couples have made love they
want to repeat it immediately, the next day or the day after. Implicit in this desire is the hope
that their spouse will want them again. ow it is a recurrent act of hope. Thirdly, in the course
of the day couples hurt each other. Some of this hurt is forgiven and forgotten immediately, but
some pain can remain, and it is coitus that takes it away. So sexual intercourse can be an act of
reconciliaiton. Fourthly, coitus is the most economic and powerful way by which a man makes a
woman feel a woman, and a woman makes a man feel a man. It is therefore a recurrent act of
affirmation of sexual identity. Fifthly, every time a couple make love they are saying to each
other that each is the most recognised, wanted and appreciated person in the other's life. Here
it is one of the most powerful means of personal affirmation.
21. Ann Landers says, "Do you know what the majority of women write about? They want to
know what is "respectable" in married love. "Are there any moral limits?" They ask. I have
consulted with clergymen of all faiths, physicians, psychiatrist and psychologists. They all agree
that there is nothing indecent or unnatural in married love, provided it is agreeable to both
parties and provided there are no harmful or painful effects."
22. "Sexual drives urge a man to work when he would rather play. They cause a woman to save
when she would rather spend. In short, the sexual aspect of our nature when released
exclusively within the family produces stability and responsibility that would not otherwise occur.
When a nation is composed of millions of devoted, responsible family units, the entire society is
stable, responsible and resilient.
23. orman Wright writes, "You sexual relationship will be enhanced by opening sharing your
feelings and by thanking God for His wonderful gift. Read this concluding prayer, and then
consider reading it aloud with your spouse the next time you come together sexually.
Thank you, O Redeemer,
for letting me express love through sex.
Thank you for making it possible
for things to be right with sex8
that there can be beauty and wonder
between woman and man.
You have given us a model for love in Jesus.
He lived and laughed and accepted His humanity.
He resisted sexual temptations
Which were every bit as real as mine.
He taught about the relationship of husband and wife
By showing love for His bride the church.
Thank you that He gives me
the power to resist temptations also.
Thank you that real sexual freedom
comes in being bound to the true man Jesus.
Everywhere there are signs that point to the sex god:
Books declare that sex is our savior;
Songs are sung as prayers to sex;
Pictures show its airbrushed incantations;
Advertisers hawk its perfume and after8shave
libations.
Help me to know that sex is not salvation.
Help me to see instead that there is salvation for sex.
For the exciting sensations of erotic love,
I offer you my thanks.
For the affirmation of self8giving love,
I offer you my thanks.
Lord, you replace sexual boredom with joy;
you point passed sexual slavery to the hope of

purity;
you enable sexual lovers to be friends;
you teach how to replace lust8making with love8
making.
Would I have any hope for sexual responsibility
Without the power you give?
Would I ever be a covenent keeper
Without the fidelity you inspire?
Thank you, Lord, for the love that stays when the bed
is made.
Help me to keep my marriage bed undefiled8
To see it as an altar of grace and pleasure.
Keep sex good in my life,
Through your redeeming love.
Teach me to say:
"Thank God for sex!"
24. Women often have an aversion to their husbands terminology which they consider vulgar.
Sex for a woman is a total relationship but for the man it is more for its own sake.
The slang labels attacted to the act or the organs of the body stimulate a man and so every
husband and wife have to use terms that motivate and stimulate each of them without feelings
of guilt.
25. Frequency has no rules, but Mohammed said once a week was best. Martin Luther said
twice a week. Kinsey found that frequence depended greatly on the husbands age.
21825 = 3 times in just over a week
31835 = 2 times in just over a week
41845 = 3 times in two weeks
over 56 = once in eight or more days.
26.
SEXUAL HUMOR
1. The story is told of a woman who was living alone. She was awaken in the night by a burgler
going through her things. When he noticed her he said, "Be quiet lady and you won't get hurt."
He frisked her and then demanded her jewels. She said, "I keep them in the bank vault." He
asked, "Then where is your silver?" "I am having that cleaned," she said. "Okay, then get me all
your cash." She said, "I don't keep any cash in the house, but if you frisk me again, I'll write
you a check."
2.
SHARIG
1. In this exercise, each partner should ask the other to answer the following questions aloud,
one question at a time. Do not comment until all the questions have been answered.
What fear do you keep from me?
What do you find difficult to tell me?
What do you want most from me?
What pain do you keep to yourself that you would like to share with me?
What do you secretly worry about the most?
What disappointments have you kept to yourself?
What can I do to make it easier for you to tel me these things?
When do you feel the most love for me?
When do your loving feelings fade?
2. Sharing is the whole meaning of my life. othing inthis life exists for me at all until and
unless I can share it. This is true of everything in my life. There is no sunset however beautiful,
no joke however funny, no poem, no voyage, no movie, no meal even taht I can enjoy only by
myself. 88888Leonard Bernstein

SILECE
1. Conseling agencies are quick to agree that the commonest abuse of silence is the husband's
refusal t talk with his wife. Marriage counselors say at least fifty percent of all troubled marriages
share the factor of a silent husband. The silence many wives continually tolerate inside the home
would be instantly labeled extreme rudeness outside the home, something never tolerated in a
social situation. Silence such as some husbands impose upon their wives would lead to summar
dismissal if practiced in the business world. It is an inconsiderate, sometimes cruel means of
noncooperation especially reserved for the home.
2. Ivy Moody tells of a visitor watching his old friend plow. I don't want to butt in, he said, "but
you could have yourself a lot of work by saying 'gee' and 'how' to that mule instead of just
tugging on the lines. The old8timer mopped his brow and agreed. Yep, I know that, but this
mule kicked me six years ago and I ain't spoken to him since.
3. Francis Klagsbauh in Married People Staying Together In Our Age of Divorce wrote, "Silence is
as important as speech in marriage. Our current obsession with communication makes us forget
sometimes that some things need not or should not be said, even in the most intimate
relationships. Says Henry Spitz, psychiatrist and family therapist,"Some of the most devastating
things I've ever heard have followed the phrase, 'Let me tell you how I hnonestly feel.' "His
modification: "Honesty with some concern for the other person's feelings." Several studies done
by psychologists have found that from the very earliest days of marriage couples quarrel about
things that are said and that become irrevocable. In one such study, published in 1970 (at
theheight of the "let it all hang out" movements) in a journel called The Family Coordinator,
couples were asked, "Does your spouse have a tendency to say things that would be better left
unsaid?" Those who seemed to be getting along well in most areas answered, "o." Those who
had experienced problems in their mariage answered, "Yes."
A historian told me that his wife likes to talk everything out, and that they do talk out difficulties8
8"the first round by shouting at each other." Sometimes, however, he says, "o, let's not talk
this one out; let's act as if everything is all right even if it isn't.' And that is useful in calming
them both down."
SIGLE
1. Art Carey in In Defense Of Marriage wrote, " After I got divorced and became single again,
however, I soon realized that the joys of singlehood were about as substantial as meringue,
about as durable as an ice cube in August. What's more, man of the single people I met88far
from leading the kind of swinging, no8strings lives depicted in Club Med brochrues88were actually
lonely, miserable and eager to get married. "
2. Art Carey in In Defense of Marriage wrote, " The numbers tell the story: In 1980, in the
population as a whole, U.S. Census figures show there were nearly 30 million unmarried women
and just 21.5 million unmarried men. Among singles of prime marryijng age, those between 25
and 35, women outnumbered men by more than half a million. And of the 19.3 million
Americans who were living alone in 1983, only four out of ten were men.
Aggravating the "man shortage" is what sociologists term "the marriage gradient"88the
traditional tendency for men to "marry down" and women to "marry up." It is not unusual to
see a man in his forties married to a woman in her twenties. And "the older a man gets, the
younger he dips down for a wife," says demographer Paul Glick. What this means for a woman
in her thirties is that she is competing for a husband not only against her female peers, but also
againt the new crop of women advnacing through their twenties.
Theoretically, such a woman could seek the company of older men, and many do. The hitch,
though, is that women now between 25 and 35 were born during the post8World War II baby
boom, while men who might "marry down" to them88men in their forties and fifties88were born
during a time when the fertility rate was low. The result: again too many women, not enough
men.
Paradoxically, when a woman is smart, well educated and successful, her chances in the
marriage market are even worse, for men often marry women who are not only younger but also
inferior socially, educationally, intellectually and economically. "Many men feel uncomfortable
with a wife who is superior," says Glick. "It's partly because of male chauvinism. The man wants
to be umber One in the family, and it's less easy to do that in situations in which the wife is
better educated and has a better job."
3. Art Carey in In Defense of Marriage wrote," So while the best men are marrying down, the

best women not only are not marrying up, but in many cases, as not marrying at all. Among
women with five or more years of college, for example, nearly 12 percent have never married.
By contrast, among all women, only 4.3 persent have never married. "At every age bracket,"
writes Jessie Bernard in The Future of Marriage, "the more income a girl or woman has, the lower
the rate of marriage, a situation just the reverse of that of men."
4. Art Carey in In Defense of Marriage wrote, "A divorced man: When I got divorced, I was
really looking foreard to the freedom of being single. This would be my big chance to live out all
my fantasies 888a different lady every night of the week. I thought sex would be easy and free.
My first disappointment came when I realized I was right. It was easy and free, to easy and
free.
I got to try out all sorts of new positions. I saw a wonderful variety of female bodies.
Hugh Hefner would have been proud of me. I can remember one time when I was seeing three
different women at once. I was practically living out of my car, sleeping with one woman one
night, another woman the next. Paradise, right? Guess again. One morning, I woke up and I
didn't know where I was. I didn't know whose bed I was inor who I was with. What was I
doing there? What was I trying to prove?
After that, I began to do somet thinking. All this catting around was empty and
meaningless. Sure, the sex was plentiful, but it was also so clinical, so aseptic, so perfunctory
that for the first time in my life there were times when I had toruble getting it up. Sex was so
available that it was too easy. There was no resistance, no chase, no challenge, no sport, no
romance. Some women were so aggressive that it was a bassle to keep them at bay. A few
times I even wished I were married so they'd leave me alone, so I wouldn't have to worry about
offending them by turning them down.
What bothered me the most was that I just didn't feel good about myself. I felt like I was
wasting my life. And gradually it became clear to me that you can't be a nice guy and a stud at
the same time. Or at least I couldn't. To be a stud you have to be an emotional bit8and8run
artist. You have to be willing to manipulate, mislead and deceive people. And if you're willing to
do that kind of thing, then in my book at least, you're not a nice guy."
5. Art Carney in In Defense of Marriage wrote, "Without a doubt, being single can sometimes
be glamorous, thrilling and full of adventure. But for most people, it's a temporary state,
because ultimately, being single is unfulfilling. Most single people do want intimacy; they do
want, as a single woman friend put it, "to have just one other person love them the best."
6. Art Carney in In Defense of Marriage wrote, "orman Mailer in The Prisoner of Sex.
To me, casual recreational sex is nothing more than mutual masturbation. Although two
bodies may be involved, the intercourse is usually only physical and devoid of the deep emotional
exchanges that accompany intimacy. Hence, the experience is fundamentally a lonely, solipsistic
one. As George Leonard notes, casual sex is "hardly a feast88not even a good, hearty sandwich.
It is a diet of fast food served in plastic containers. Life's feast is available only to those who are
willing and able to engage life on a deeply personal level, giving all, holding back nothing."
7. Art Carney in In Defense of Marriage wrote, "First and foremost, I thought, the joy of
marriage is the joy of not being alone. It is the joy of
88888companionship and intimacy and having a
person and place to come to;
___Structure and order, comfort, security and
stability;
8888having someone to help with the burdens
and drudgery of daily life;
8888making a home and creating a family;
88888being a parent and raising children.
It is the joy of
88888defining your relationship with respect to
others and society at large;
88888loving someone so much that you want to
celebrate that love and commitment pub8
licly;
88888taking a risk, making a leap of faith, going
all the way;
88888believing in someone and something above

and beyond yourself;
888888building something lasting and substantial.
It is the joy of
888888having a best friend who is also your lover,
and a lover who is also your best friend;
88888sleeping with someone who warms your
heart as well as your bed;
88888making love without awkwardness, self8
consciousness or shame;
88888developing a private vocabulary and doing
some of your best talking without words.
It is the joy of
88888having someone real to hold when you
wake up sweating during a dark night of
the soul;
88888having someone who truly cares, someone
who will stand by you when you get sick,
or falter or fail;
88888having someone you believe in, and who
believes in you, tell you at times that you're
the best, and at other times, that you can be
much better.
88888outgrowing your adolescent self8absorp8
tion and getting on with life;
88888being faithful and honoring a vow;
888888ennobling yourself through disciplinre and
sacrifice;
888888having a common history and mutual
memories and the sense of having traveled
together far;
88888being a separate individual and yet also
part of a whole;
88888fighting and making up, going apart and
coming together again;
88888learning to yield and to compromise, to
care and to love.
Finally, the joy of marriage is the joy of giving. To the jaded, it may sound trite and
hackneyed, like some middle8brow bromide from the advice columns on the women's pages, but
it's true: It's more blessed, or at least more satisfying, to give than to receive. For in giving we
tap those parts of our being that make us special, noble, transcendent. In giving we exercise the
most glorious pwoers of human nature. In giving we dispense grace. We dignify ourselves, we
become almost divine. And in my opinion, there are few endeavors that demand more giving
than a vital, working marriage.
SMELL
1. The Song of Solomon makes clear that smell is a factor in love and romance. Each of us has
an odor that is unique to us as much as our fingerprints. In one survey 71 percent of the men
and women said smell plays a major role in being a turn on. Women have a better sense of
smell and it is more inportant to them.
SPICE
1. Richard Armor wrote,
I like "spouse" (the word, I mean),
I've like it all my life.
It's masculine and feminine888
For husband and for wife.
The plural, spouses, though, I think

Is really not so nice.
I wish that one alone were spouse
And two together spice.
SUBMISSIO
1. Steve and Annie Champman in Married Lovers Married Friends wrote, "Annie: When we got
married, most of the Christian marriage formulas boiled down to one easy transaction: Man in
Charge + Woman who Submits = Uninterrupted Bliss.
If you took this teaching to its extreme (which, sadly, I always seem to do with any good
teaching), you find that a wife needs to have only two words in her vocabulary: "Yes" and
"dear." But I was young and eager to please the Lord and my new husband. So I determined to
"yes, dear" our way to happiness. We'd get ready fro an evening out, and he'd say, "Where do
you want to go?"
"Oh, anywhere you want to go, dear."
"Is there any special kind of food you are hungry for?"
"Oh, anything you want to eat, dear."
"Which of these two movies sounds better to you?"
"Whichever one you'd like to see, dear."
All right. It wasn't quite that bad, but you get the idea. This caricature of mindless
submission I'd adopted is what led us to the Copperhead Confrontation.
2. Sometimes working as a team means I give up the way I want to do things. Sometimes it
means dialoguing until my idea fit together with my spouse's. Other times it means taking
charge. Like the time Steve got an ear infection and refused to see the doctor.
When I say had an infection, I'm understating the situation. Actually, he was so sick his
eardrums burst and he was bleeding from his ears. There he lay, writhing in pain, but the man
absolutely refused to see a doctor.
I listened to his moaning as long as I could. When I could stand it no longer, I called a
specialist and explained his symptoms. The doctor agreed it was serious, and said, "It's closing
time, but if you tell him to come in right now, I'll wait.
Unfortunately, this medical confirmation failed to overcome my husband's physician8phobia.
He made no move to budge from his bed. I knew the time had come for drastic measures.
"Steve," I announced, "in First Cor. it says a wife has rights over her husband's body. So
those ears may be on your head, but they're my ears, too. And I'm taking my ears to the
doctor. You can go with clothes, or without clothes.....I don't care, but my ears are getting
medical treatment."
Then I started to pulling him out of bed. Steve was worse than a child. I could have carried
a child to the car, but this 175 pounder88no way. So what I did was to begin prodding him out
from under the covers.
Well, by now he saw there'd be no dissuading me. So he grumpily staggered out of bed,
fumbled his was into a warm8up suit and dragged along to the doctor.
In the car on the way back home, I apologized for being so bossy. And when he frogave me,
he also acknowledged I'd helped him do what he knew he ought to do anyway. We drove home
in peace. (By the way, "our" ears recoverd completely.)
SUBMISSIVE
1. I'M QUITTIG O Monday," Jim yelled as he blasted through the front door.
Elaine greeted him quietly and listend to her husband's outburst of anger. "My boss finally did it!
I'm not working for him any more," he said. Giving him time and her full attention, 'Elaine let
Jim vent his frustration. Then when he had poured it all out, she began to help him rethink the
situation. She reminded him that he could never replace the ideal working conditions or the six8
figure income. Soon Jim had changed his mind. Since then, he has told me it was the best
decision he ever made. Today he enjoys his job more than ever.
T

TIMIG
1. Eccles. 3:188 says there is a right time for everything and married couples need to learn just
when the right time is for dealing with issues. We each have a sort of internal clock that
determines much of how we function. Some are morning people and others are night people.
Early birds and night owls often conflict with each other because of the timing. We often expect
our mate to operate on our clock time and not their own. People are affected by the moon for
their moods and by the time of the month and the weather and many such variables. It is wise to
learn how timing affects what you do with your mate.
TIRED
1. Marjorie Holmes, "Forgive ne, Lord, but I'm tired of being some of the things I've tried so
hard to be.
I'm tired of being so capable, so efficient. I'm tired of the compliment, "If you want to get
someting done ask a busy person." (Guess who?)
I'm tired of being considered so patient and understanding that people dump their troubles
(and their kids) on me.
I'm tired of being so cheerful. I want to be free to be cross and complain and not get a
"buck up, old girl." routine. I'm tired of being my husband's faithful partner and helpmate
instead of his playmate.
I'm tired of being considered so independent, so strong.
Sometimes, at least sometimes, Lord, I want to be weak and helpless able to lean on
somebody able to cry and be comforted.
Lord, I guess there are just times when I want to be a little girl again, running to climb on
my mother's lap.
TOGETHERESS
"Tin Wedding Whistle" by Ogden ash
Though you know it anyhowListen to me, darling, now,
Proving what I need not prove
How I know I love you, love.
ear and far, near and far,
I am happy where you are;
Likewise I have never learnt
How to be it where you aren't
.Far and wide, far and wide,
I can walk with you beside;
Furthermore, I tell you what,
I sit and sulk where you are not.
Visitors remark my frown
When you're upstairs and I am down,
Yes, and I'm afraid I pout
When I'm indoors and you are out;
But how contentedly I view
Any room containing you. In fact I care not where you be,
Just as long as it's with me.
In all your absences I glimpse
Fire and flood and trolls and imps.
Is your train a minute slothful?
I goad the stationmaster wrothful.
When with friends to bridge you drive
I never know if you're alive,
And when you linger late in shops
long to telephone the cops.
Yet how worth the waiting for,

To see you coming through the door.
Somehow, I can be complacent
ever but with you adjacent.
ear and far, near and far,
am happy where you are;
Likewise I have never learnt
How to be it where you aren't.
Then grudge me not my fond endeavor,
To hold you in my sight forever;
Let none, not even you, disparage
Such a valid reason for a marriage.
TOUCHIG
Learn to keep touching, hugging and talking to each
other. Don't just reserve touching for sex.
Loving touch is a part of health. God has so built us that from the time of birth to death we need
loving touch to be healthy. Little babies who do not receive hugging can actually die for lack of it.
All the rest of life we need the power of touch to feel loved and accepted and of worth. Mates
are to give a lot of touch to each other in non8sexual ways. Sex is important touch too, but is
that is the only time you give each other touch, you are limiting its health giving power to one
aspect of life. Wholeness demands much touching that goes beyond the sexual. Holding
hands,giving caresses both for love and for soothing the muscles, just being close as you watch
television, and numerous other ways that give you a sense of connectedness.
TOUCH
1. An experience told me by a psychiatrist friend expresses the importance of touch beyond
question. He had been working for a long time with a woman whose condition did not seem to
improve. Ad then suddenly she recoverd and did not need to come any longer. Sometime later
they met a social gathering. My friend studied her face quietly for a moment, and then asked,
"Would you tell me wha tit was that made you well? Was it anything that I didn?" And with a
quick smile, she told him, "Oh, I thought you knew. Remember when my son wa in the
contagious diseases ward in the hospital? I was standing waiting in the corridor and you stopped
to ask me how he was doing. You put your hand on my shoulder, and I knew that you really
cared. It was then that I started to get better."
TRIVIAL
1. Two scientists spent six months together in a small tent studying weather pattersn at the
orth Pole. On returning home they were interviewed on radio about the difficulties of their trip.
The interviewer asked one of them if differrences in ideology or scientific approach had caused
problems. 'o,' the man replied, 'what really drove me crazy was the way he ate his cornflakes!'
2.
TRUST
1. Francis Klagsbrun in Married People wrote, "Trust in marriage allows for the sense of security
and comfort that mark long and satisfying unions. Trust also makes possible the freedom
marraige provides, the freedom and "right," in the words of psychiatrist Aaron Stein, "people
have to be themselves and have their own feelings."
Each partner trusts the other with his or her core self, trusts that that self will not be ridiculed or
violated, trusts that it will be nurtured and protected888safe. And in that sefety lies a special kind
of freedom.
Intimacy, as I have said, is built around the trust partners allow themselves to have in one
another. Once that trust exists, there is no set form of intimacy must assume.
I cannot say that every couple in a strong marriage communicate with one another as openly as
the much8publicized communication ideals of our society would have them. Some do. Some are
open and loose with one another, ventilating feelings and sensations freely. In other families,
one partner, or both, may be more closed off, less able or willing to pour out heartsounds. But
these marriages have their own ways of being intimate, which grow from the trust between

partners. It may be that one partner is the expansive one while the second is more silent,
relying on the other for emotional expressiveness. Or it may be that both act somewhat
restrained in revealing sensitivities, yet they understand one another and feel comfortable with
the more limitied interchanges they have. I found many styles of relating among long8married
couples, and no one seemed better than another as long as each couple was satisfied with their
own style.
The trust that lies at the heart of happy marriages is also the foundation for sexual
enjoyment among partners. When mates spoke about sexual loving, they almost always spoke
about trusting feelings that had expanded over the years. "Sex is richer and deeper for us," said
one woman. "We trust each other and we're not ashamed to get pleasure." Trust is also the
reason invariably given for a commitment to monogamy, as in "I may be tempted, but I wouldn't
want to violate our trust."
2.
TYPES OF PEOPLE
1. People are protective of the feelings they care about most and the issues most sensitive to
them. What these issues are and how people guard themselves against painful feelings reflect
their particular character type. There are three main character types: the dependent, the
controlling, and the competitive. Each enters into a relatioship to satisfy differnet emotional
needs. Each deals with the important emotional issues ina relationship in a different way.
It will be ease to see yourself in all three of the descriptions that follow88everyone has
dependent, contolling, and competitive traits, but one charavter type usually predominates under
stress and people remain, for the most part, the same character type their entire lives. The
object is not to change, but to become more honest in dealing with your emotions. By
identifying your type, you can dela directly with the world without hiding behind your defenses.
Understanding your style and that of your partner will help you have more meaningful
interactions and allow you to accept and support each other more completely.
Dependent people need to be reassured that they are lovable. They need frequent contact with
someone who expresses care for them. They need to be told repeatredly that they are good.
They need physical stroking and quickly become attached to anyone who shows them affection.
Affecitons if their gift and their quest. They dong closely and completely, sometimes before
taking enough time to be sure tha twhat they are doing is in their best interest. They seem
hypnotized by the prospect of being close to a person, like a deer frozen by the headlights of an
oncoming vehicle.
Dependent people are warm and loving, sometimes too much so. Their loving often seems
motivated by their need to be loved in return. Dependent people have a blind spot created by
this need and so are inclined to attach themeslve to people indiscriminately. They misinterpret
clinging for caring and control for involvment. Even when the quality fo the relationship
deteriorates, they tend to hold on becasue they feel having someone is better than being alone.
This explains why some dependant people who should know better remain even in self8
destructive relationships.
2. Controlling people actually feel out of control of the most important forces in their lives88thier
own feelings88and so they want to control the way other people feel. They want other people to
love them, but they don't want to give them the choice not to. Controlling people insist on being
in charge and making all decisions. When tehir partneres diagree, controlling people try to
imtimidate them88taunting them, daing them to go88providing, of course, they feel confident their
partners don't have the nerve. Gradually, teh partner's affectionwanes, for no matter how
completely one's needs are met, no one loves his jailor. Any withdrawal of affection frightens
controlling people deeply, for they secretly believe that if their partners were free, they would
leave. Their fear of abandonment is the reason they try to control others in the first place.
Controlling people are too close and proud to admit any weaknessesor that they depend on
their partners to keep from being alone. Where the dependent person flaunts his need for
others, the controlling person denies it but won't let others go free.
When their partners resist them, they become irrational and unreasonable. They blame and
punish. They don't really understand any feeling except loneliness and they frequently get
drpessed.

Understandably, many of those who bond with controlling people are dependent character
types. The attraction between them is often born out of a need to rescue and be rescued. The
dependent person percieves the controlling partner's gifts as a proof of love. Controlling people
are frequently excellent earners but tend to confuse giving financial support with giving affection.
Controlling people insist on winning, being right, having the last word, making the other
person wrong, and appearing blameless. They believe they know the way to do things best and
ascribe all their mistakes to others not following their orders. They love to issue commands an
dedicts. They try to pass themselves off as perfect and so take criticism poorly. They tend to
put others down, belittle theri accomplishments, and evalue their feelings.
The great paradox is that controlling types are easily and deeply wounded. They cannnot
admit pain because it makes them seem weak, so they tend to bear grudges. They cannot risk
rejection. Someone leaving them or their sphere of influence is a threat to the integrity of the
system they believe in and to the logic that runs their world. They will actually sit down with a
list of points and try to prove to you that you love them when, in fact, you are packing and
leaving on the next flight to Reno. They refuse to take seriously those who disagree with them,
especially when theperson is the object of their affection. They wil tell lyou that you really don't
mean it when you threaten to leave. They will hide the car keys and tell you they are doing you
a favor, and they will actually believe it. It 's no wonder that their partners often stage
outlandish displays to make their point and defy them.
3. Competitive peoplelike to come out on top, which may be their strength but it also their
weakness. Competitive people are always trying to prove to the world that they are better than
others. They are afraid of testing their self8worth, so they find an opponent they can easily beat
rather than truly challenging themselves. As they become more secure, they may choose more
worthy opponents, but they still fear confronting their own shortcomings. They need to learn to
risk growing into their best, not just being better.
These people are often highly successful in the business world, where their powerful drive to
win is rewarded with high salaries that, itonically, they feel they really do not deserve. So
tentative is their self8esteem that they live stressful lives, for every new venture offers both the
possiblity of success and the discovery that they are not what they pretend to be.
The self8worth of competitive people is continually threatened from without. They can
sometimes lost themselves by working exclusively for the esteem and adoration of others.
Becoming so filled with praise, they lose their motivaiton and call it quits long before they reach
their true potential. They tend to play for the effect more than the goal. This search for external
proof of their value both inspires and limits them. Their life lesson is that they must learn to be
their own critic, set their own standards and goals, and listen to the voice within that tells them
whether they have done well or not.
The need ofr external reinforcement becomes an especially difficult problem in a relationship,
for not onoy do these people want to be the star players, they want thier partners to be their
cheerleaders, which is all well and good so long as their partners do not have their own lives.
Living with these people often resembles life ina performer's dressing room that is filled with an
air of self8centered excitement. Ther performance takes precedence over everything else. They
always insist on having their way becasue they believe what they are doing is more important
than anything else. This preoccupation can be understandable when the performance involves
tomorrow's big negotiation, the upcoming trial, the difficult operation, or the sales presentation,
bu tthey are hardly less intense preparing for a driver's test or even dressing for a party where
they think they will be noticed. They easily become preoccupied with themselves and put all else
second.
4. Competitive women frequently use their sexual charms to get whatever they want.
They know intuitively what excites their partner and often pretend to be sexually aroused, but
the, when their partner responds, they often lost interest or try to pass off their seduction as
harmless play. It is no wonder that these people have great difficulty achieving intimacy.
In addition to pretending to be sexually aroused, competitive people often role8play other
feelings, for examples being hurt, angry, guilty, remoreseful, or afraid. They do
this to elicit from others the emotion they want to express without having to tak responsibility for
it. They can claim that they were only pretending. They often touch on sensitive issues that stir
up their partner. ot surprisingly, competitive people have difficulty knowing whether the
reaction they are seeing is real or just a response to their fantasy.

U
UDERSTADIG
1. Carl Sandberg wrote,
How can we be pals
When you speak English
And I speak English
And you never understand me
And I never understand you?
Understanding a mate is like trying a grasp the principles of any sport you attemt to get good
at. Just when you think you understand you slice the golf ball into the woods or smash the
tennis ball into the net, or lose the bowling ball in the gutter. You never really get it so perfect
you don't have to work at it anymore. Todays success does not carry a guarentee for tomorrow,
and so it is a perpetual challenge.
I know you believe you understand
What you think I said,
But I am not sure that you realize that
What you heard is not what I meant.
V
W
WEDDIG
1. I love you, not only for what you are, but for when I am, with you.
I love you, not only for what you have made of yourself, bu tfor what you are making of me.
I love you for the part of me that you bring out.
I love you for putting your hand into my heaped8up heart and passing over all the frivolous
an weak things that you cannot help seeing there, and drawing out into the light all the
beautiful, radiant things that no one else has looked quite deep enough to find.
I love you fo rignoring the possibilities of the fool in me and for laying firm hold of the
possibilities of good in me.
I love you for closing your eyes to what is discord in me, and for adding to the music in me
by worshipful listening.
I love you because you are helping me to make of the lumber of mhy life not a tavern, but a
temple, and of the words of my every day not a reproach, but a song.
I love you because you have done more than any creed could have done to make me happy.
You have done it without a touch, without a word, without a sign.
You have done it by just being yourself.
After all, perhaps this is what being a friend means. 88Corey Ford.
2. Carl: But why have you decided to get married on Friday the 13th?
John: Well, if things go wrong, I'll have something to blame it on.
3. A minister, like his father before him, had often officiated at marriage ceremonies, but his was
his first experience at giving away the bride.
He was in a devout moon; his church ws small, his salary meager and his family numerous.
This daughter had been especiall expensive.
"Who giveth this woman to be married to this man?" droned the preacher.
Gently the father placed the slender had of the bride in that of the embarrassed groom.
"Take her, my boy," he exclaimed, his face aglow. "It is more blessed to give then receive." 8
8888Everybody's Magazine.

WIFE
1. Positive texts in Prov. 5:18, 18:22, 19:14, 31:10 and see Eccles. 9:9
PERFECT
Wow. This was found by a friend of a friend who was looking through 50's
magazines. Amazingly, it came from a 1950's high school home economics
textbook.
How To Be a Good Wife
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Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
delicious meal 8 on time. This is a way of letting him know that you
have been thinking of him and are concerned about his needs. Most men
are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal is part
of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he
arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh
looking. He has just been with a lot of work8weary people. Be a little
gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

Clear away the clutter: Make one last trip through the main part of the
house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys,
papers, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will
feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a
lift too.

Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands
and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary, change
their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them
playing the part.

Minimize all noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of
the washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children
to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be
glad to see him.

Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain
if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he
might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean
back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have
a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take
off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow
him to relax and unwind.

Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment
of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

Make the evening his: ever complain if he does not take you out to
dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand
his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your
husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

WEDDIG PRAYER
"A Marriage Prayer" by Bud Henry Bowen "Bless our marriage, oh God, as we begin our journey
down the roadof life together. We don't know what lies ahead for the road turns and
bends. But help us to make the best of whatever comes our way.Help us to hug each other
often...laugh a lot, talk more, and argueless.Help us to continue to enjoy each other as we did
when we first met.
Help us to realize that nothing nor no one is perfect and to lookfor the good in all things and
all people including ourselves.Help us to respect each other's likes and dislikes, opinions
andbelieves, hopes and dreams and fears even though we may not alwaysunderstand them.Help
us to learn from each other and to help each other to growmentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Help us to realize that there is design and purpose in our livesas in the world and no matter
what happens to us we will hold on toeachother and know that things have a way of working out
for the good.Help us to create for our chidren a peaceful, stable home of loveas a foundation on
which they can build their lives.But most of all, dear God, help us to keep lit the torch of lovethat
we now share in our hearts so that by our loving example we maypasson the light of love to our
children and to their children and totheirchildren's children forever. Amen.
WORDS
1. Amid the cares of married life,
In spite of toil and business strife,
If you value your sweet wife,
TELL HER SO!
There was a time you thought it bliss
To get the favor of a kiss;
A dozen now won't come amiss....
TELL HER SO!
Don't act as if she's passed her prime,
As though to please her were a crime..
If e'er you loved her, now's the time
TELL HER SO!
You are hers and hers alone;
Well, you know she's all you own;
Don't wait to carve it one a stone...
TELL HER SO!
ever let your heart grow cold;
Richer beauties will unfold.
She is worth her weight in gold;
TELL HER SO!
WORK
Everyone says you have to work at marriage, and this is true, but it is not as if it is pure
drudgery, like ditch digging. It just means that you have to put forth some effort to keep
romance alive. We live is a day of automation where so much work is done by a mere flip of a
switch. But you can't make love work that way. You can't put it on autopilot and expect it to fly
by itself. Love is not automatic. It needs to be made to work the old fashioned way8by effort. It
is like a picnic. It is a lot of fun, but it takes a lot of work for someone to make it pleasurable. So,
love takes action that will convey to your mate that you care enough to do something to please
them.
WORK
1. Men can be devastated by loss of a job. In a Wisconsin city where several factories closed

down the psychologists said it was like being under siege. Suddenly they were confronted with
marriage problems, drinking and drug problems, child abuse, wife abuse, and all kinds of
violence. Loss of a job does not have they same impact on a woman for they do not identify
their worth with their work. Work means more to a man and he does identify his worth with his
work. Getting the job done is more important to him than relationships. Warmth, affection and
feelings are not seen as valuable for efficiency but are seen as signs of weakness. Tenderness
they do not see as a means to success. Wives are often angry and hurt because they take
second place to their husbands work.
2. Dr. Joyce Brothers in her book What Every Woman Should Know About Men does women a
great favor by exposing the most powerful and seductive mistress most men ever have. The
good news is it is not the other woman. The bad news is she is even more powerful than sex
and this is almost impossible to compete with. This seductive mistress is work. Men have two
basic needs she says: Love and work, and work takes priority over love. The value of knowing
this is you do not have to feel your husband is some kind of pervert because he loves his work so
much. It is an almost universal reality. Men get high on work and even if they gripe about it
they get their greatest satisfaction out of it. A high percentage of men die within two years after
retirement because they lose their sense of being needed without work.
Work is your biggest competitor for your husbands time and energy. But do not knock it, for
it is also that which gives him life and makes him a lover of all of life, including you.
If you want you husband to live well and long you need to help him always find meaningful work.

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